JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

A Weird Guy

This weird guy from the city drops into a country pub one night and lays ten $100
notes on the bar and claims that he can eat the sloppiest turd ever produced. If he
can't, then who ever lays this turd will be a grand richer.
The first guy to try was a trucker who proceeded to produce a turd that was so runny
it started to run down the cracks in the floor. The city fella licked it up in no time. The
next guy to have a go was an old pig raiser and he does a shit that went from his chair
over the table and onto the next chair. This city dude panicked a bit but still ate it in
five seconds flat.
Now everybody in the pub was amazed and it looked like the city dude was going to keep
his money. Then this biker walked into the bar and decided to have a go. He stood on the
bar and laid the meanest, smelliest shit ever seen. It went up the length of the bar, down
across the barstools and right to the feet of this dude. He gets down and starts chomping
but all of a sudden heaves his guts out all over the place. The biker goes over to the bar,
picks up his money and as he was about to leave he decided to stir this dude.
The weird city guy turned around and said, "it wasn't your turd that made me sick, it was
that little bastard picking his nose in the corner.

BBBBB

Harry's missus had died, and at the funeral, Harry was in a terrible mess. He kept crying,
yelling, pulling his hair and wailing, "What am I gonna do?! What am I gonna do?!
The priest took pity on the poor guy and came over to him.
"My son," the priest said. "I know this is hard on you, but eventually the pain will go away
and you will find another fine woman, marry again and forget about all this in years to come."
"Yeah, yeah, Reverend, I know all that," Harry sobbed. "But who's gonna cook me dinner
and let me root her tonight!"

---------- Post added at 06:05 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 01:05 PM ----------

Battle Of The Sexes

Things NOT to Say to a Naked Man...

*That's it?

*Wow - look at all the hair on your back!

*Maybe you should start going to the gym more.

*That was fine, dear...pass me my vibrator?

*Thats a shame, maybe we should grab a video instead?

*Wake me when it's over, ok?

*I think the condom's too big.

*Zzzzzz....

*You want me to what?!?

*Well, that explains the padded pants.

*Did you take out the garbage yet?

*My husband's in the Marines.

*He's due home any day now.

*Is that a toupee?

*So THAT'S what your ex warned me about!

*No.

*Surgery might be able to help.

*Not until you've showered.

*That must be my mother on the phone.

*Your brother's bigger.

*Your best friend's better.

*Are you done yet?

*Wow! Look at the size of your.....beer gut!

*Size doesn't REALLY matter, dear.

*You might want to see a doctor about that.

*Hahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!

Things NOT to say to a naked woman...

*Cool, I've never been to the Grand Canyon.

*How many storage boxes can you fit in there?!

*You must be very experienced.

*Remember, you said this was a freebie...right?

*Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don't fall in.

*I gotta take off my watch, wouldn't wanna lose it.

*Why do you wear a bra when you've already got a belt.

*Would you mind rolling around in this flour.

*I heard carpenters dream about you.

*So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

*Look....I can get my whole arm in.

*It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

*Is that an optical illusion?

*If I look right at it I feel like I'm falling in.

*Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?

*Do you mind if I wear one too...in case yours falls off?

*Jeez...What ya got up there, dead fish?

*I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.

*Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

*I've been wondering all night what that smell was.

*Maybe if I get really wasted I wont mind your body.

*You know they have surgery to fix that.

*Everybody down at the bar said you were good.

*Oh, that's why they call it a Wonderbra, it makes those lines go away.

*Huh? They told me your name was Jezebel.

*I expect a good time, at least, the bathroom wall said so.

*You're not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway.

*You're not 'that' fat.

*I see why everyone said, with you, it's better with the lights out.

*Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.

 

[melody]

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
(Back By Popular Demand)

Dear Connie,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.
The day you left,
I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded
little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one
to make contact.
In my fantasies, it was always you who would come
crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that.
But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things.
I'm tired of pretending I don't
miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who
makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we
let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says:
"There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts
of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me.
I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my
desperation.
She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies
that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice-skating can give you.
I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass
that just wouldn't quit, every man's dream, right?
But as I sat on the
couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've
made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a
perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case,
yes, but you see what I'm getting at.
Does it make her a better person?
Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie?
I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.
I don't know,
maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a
half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel
so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her
slutty, shameless hunger, but something else;
some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?
Nothing feels the same without you. Oh, Connie, I'm just going crazy
without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember
Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well,
she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured
I wasn't eating right without a woman around.
I didn't know what she meant
till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses
of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom.
And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything,
you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight
or her career and whether the kids can hear us.
And all of a sudden,
she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity.
So she puts
it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And
it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking,
"Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old
vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order.
I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her
shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time.
She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general.
She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is.

So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times.
Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is
think of how much she looked like you when you were 18.
And that just
about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole
anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you
about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between
us.
But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's
cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Connie. In your heart
you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all
the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the
same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me
know where the fucking remote is?
Love,
Dan

 

[melody]

Farmer Jones

Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with only dirt access roads.

His tame bear had been naughty that day so he put him in the barn and said "you stay here until you learn how to behave yourself".

Shortly afterwards it begin to rain (a real heavy down pour).

About an hour later a travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the Farmer for a place to stay.

The Farmer told him he didn't have room in the house, however he could stay in the barn.

He told the salesman there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn.

The Farmer said the bear would not bother him.

The salesman went to the barn.

Later another travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer told him about the barn-no lights and the tame bear.

Salesmen left for barn.

One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the Farmer.

He told her about the barn and mentioned the two travelling salesmen (he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the bear).

The woman said I can take care of myself and left for the barn.

Two hours later the Farmer was awakened by heavy knocking at the door.

When opening the door the woman was standing there with her clothes torn and rumpled.

The Farmer said good heavens what happened to you?.

The woman replied I give up on human nature,the first guy gave me forty dollars,the second guy gave me fifty dollars,but that cheap bastard in the fur coat never even said thanks.

&&&&&

The RIGHT (R) And WRONG (W) Things To Say To A Man After Sex:

R: You're the one
W: Next.

R: You really know how to satisfy a woman.
W: What the hell was that? Do you have to catch a plane?

R: You're the best I've ever had.
W: You're almost as good as my cousin Earl.

R: What color are your eyes?
W: Is my discharge still brown?

R: You make me forget my problems.
W: You make me forget I'm just 15.

R: I think we should go away for the weekend.
W: I think we should go to the clinic.

R: I love you.
W: I love you.

 

[melody]

The Little Old Couple

It was Valentines Day and a little old couple in their eighties
were sitting on the couch watching TV. For a lark, the old man
switched over to the Playboy Channel.
They watched for a few minutes, then he looked at her and asked,
"Do you think we can still do that?"
"Well, we can sure try!" she answered.
So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to
get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When
he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in
the middle of the bedroom floor.
"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.
"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe
you could just drop it in!

@@@

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over lunch. "I do
wish that my John would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."
My Fred used to do the same thing," the other old girl replied. "But
I broke him of the habit."
"Really, how?" asked the first woman.
"Easy, I hid his teeth."

@@@

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I
got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start
exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired
for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the
class was over

 

[melody]

Yo Father...

Yo father's like cement, takes him two days to get hard.
I saw Yo father jacking off into a paper sack, I asked what he was doing, he said packing your lunch.
I called Yo father a fag and he hit me with his purse!
Yo father's so fat, even his dick has rolls.
Yo dad’s so stupid, when Yo mama says "Fuck me silly and make it hurt!" he puts on a clown suit and hits her with a brick before he does her.
Yo dad's so stupid, he has to unzip his pants to count to 11.
Yo father's dick is so small, he makes yo mama look hung.
Yo father's dick is so small, he pisses on his nuts.
Yo father's dick is so small, he'd been fucking yo mama for an hour and she asked if it was in yet.
Yo father's so ugly, he couldn't get laid in a monkey whore house with a bag of bannanas.
Yo father's so ugly, his own hand turns him down.
Yo father's so ugly, that's not a receding hair line, that's his hair running away from his face.
Yo father has to stick his dick in the freezer to get hard.
Yo father suffers from dick-do disease... His stomach hangs out farther than his dick do.
Yo father's so stupid, he brought his fishing rod to Sea World.
Yo father's like an arcade game, give him a quarter and you can play with his joystick.
Yo father's so stupid, when yo mama says "Give me ten inches and make it hurt!" he has to fuck her three times and put a vice grip on her head... and yo mama likes that.

<><><>

Your momma is so fat, she uses a toilet brush to clean out her belly button!

Yo momma's so fat She can't even fit in the chat room.

Yo momma's so fat She put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.

Yo mama's so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.

Yo mamma is so fat she takes showers at carwashes

Yo momma so fat i put a quarter in her mouth and pushed her belly button and milk dudes fill out of her ass

Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.

Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to "Get the fuck off."

Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her "Sorry, we don't do livestock."

 

[melody]

The Brothel

A sailor who has been at sea for several months comes into port
and heads for a brothel. He tells the man at the desk he'd like
some sex, but he doesn't have much money.

The man tells him a girl will cost him $40 and a sex show $20.
The sailor is desperate as he only has $5, having lost most of
his money in cards games aboard ship. "You've got to help me out
I've been at sea for months and I really need some sex. You've
got to do something for me. Please!"

The man thinks for a moment, takes the money, and directs the
sailor to one of the upstairs rooms. Once inside the room the
sailor looks around but the only thing he sees is a chicken.
Desperate for some action, he resigns himself to fuck the chicken
and quickly leaves.

Two weeks later, he returns, this time having won a few bucks on
ship. "What do you have for $20," he asks. The man directs him
upstairs once again to a different room.

Opening the door, the room is packed with men shoulder to
shoulder all watching lesbians through a one-way mirror on the
wall. The sailor's eyes light up as he watches and remarking to
a man standing next to him, "This is great."

The man replies, "If you think this is great, you should have
been here 2 weeks ago. There was a guy fucking a chicken!"

QQQQQ

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he
needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take
a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use
in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow
you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you
had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

QQQQQ

What's the definition of an overbite?
When you're eating pussy and it taste like shit.

 

[melody]

The Vibrator

A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave his
gorgeous, sexy blonde wife alone. The night before he left, he brought
home a vibrator and gave it to her.

"What's this for?" she asked.

"It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her husband,
winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you get
horny."

A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in the
garbage.
"Honey," he says, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you should
use it in my place when I'm gone."

"I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled my fillings loose."

@@@

There once was a man from Bombay
Who ate gallons of beans everyday
He farted so loud
He attracted a crowd
But the smell made them all run away

@@@

This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and
he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again,
I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

 

[melody]

A New Motorcycle

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains, he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

His girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He rides his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight awhile ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table, and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. When he witnesses this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the fucking dishes!"

======

A camel and an elephant meet.
The elephant asked the camel:
"Why do you have your breasts on your back?"
The camel, clearly irritated, replies:
"What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."

======

Why did it take so long for Lorena Bobbitt to throw the dick out
the window?
She didn't have the balls.

---------- Post added at 06:19 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 12:34 PM ----------

The Fart List

THE CUSHIONED FART: A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually
on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the
cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving
then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with
some people.

THE DUD FART: The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that fails. For this
reason it is strictly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you can
identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all
farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.

THE ECHO FART: This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great
loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart
that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then
the second tone. Like an echo.

THE G AND L FART: This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands
for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.

THE GHOST FART: A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified
by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart,
yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe
it is just something that happens to smell like a fart.

THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART: This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that
the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady
farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, my", or
"Well, well". There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an
old person's fart as there is.

 

[melody]

Sexy Thanksgiving Story

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own.

Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw the door.

Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender white skin.

From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits.

The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin.

My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body.

I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door.

As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I.

I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in.

I put in more, you take it willingly. In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it,

I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within. Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender.

I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good.

Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste.

"Oh yes", I say to you,

I must say Grace "Thank God for Butterball turkey.... Amen"

17 Ways To Cook A Turkey Go buy a turkey

1. Take a drink of whisky
2. Put turkey in the oven
3. Take another 2 drinks of whisky
4. Set the degree at 375 ovens
5. Take 3 more whiskys of drink
6. Turk the bastey
7. Whisky another bottle of get
8. Ponder the meat thermometer
9. Glass yourself a pour of whisky
10. Bake the whisky for 4 hours
11. Take the oven out of the turkey
12. Floor the turkey up off of the pick
13. Turk the carvey
14. Get yourself another scottle of botch
15. Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
16. Bless the dinner and pass out

@@@

* Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving? They couldn't get the moose in the oven!
* Where did the first corn come from? The stalk brought it.
* Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers? To keep his wigwam.
* What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
* How did the Mayflower show that it liked America? It hugged the shore.
* Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
* Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building? Yes - a building can't jump at all.

@@@

"Well, dear what's it to be tonight?" said the amorous hubby. "Hmmm ... I'm in the mood for something special tonight, how about turkey style?" replied his mate. "Turkey style? I've heard of 'doggy style,' but what in the world is turkey style?" To which the wife replied, "Gobble, gobble, gobble!"

 

[melody]

Happy Thanksgiving!

Things I Can Only Say This Week At Thanksgiving And Get Away With It

1. Talk about a huge breast.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's cool whip time.
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
10. Don't play with your meat!
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once.
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
20. Man, that looks just like cranberry sauce.
21. Is that hole good and stuffed?
22. Should I wrap that for you?
23. I've done my part, now I just want to sleep.

 

[melody]

You Might Be A Redneck If:

You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

You've ever re-used a paper plate.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say
Cool Whip on the side.

If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

 

[melody]

Bashful College Boy

A certain virginal and shy college freshman was lucky to have a roommate
who was considerably more experienced. When the bashful boy broke down
and explained his predicament, his roommate was quick to offer to set
him up with a blonde who'd made the rounds of the campus.

Just take this bimbo out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take
its course, he explained reassuringly. This girl knows what the score
is, and she's even a natural blonde.

The roommate arranged the date as promised. The freshman was delighted
by his cute, outgoing companion and they spent the evening dining and
dancing. On the way home he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in
a cold sweat, and blurted out, "Gosh, I sure would love to have a little
pussy."

"I would too," sighed the blonde, "Mine's the size of a goddamn milk
pail."

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

A woman of very loose nature soon got fed up with men as they were not
big enough. She progressed to ponies and then horses.

But she soon outgrew them and her quest for a large male member took her
to Africa where she sought a bull elephant in the mating season.

She finally selected one and went down on all fours for him.

She felt him enter her and cried out "Oooh, wonderful, what a tight
fit!"

"I should hope so!" bellowed the elephant. "I'm sticking in my front
leg."

 

[melody]

Naughty Q's And A's

Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermit's Finger

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence!

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.

Q. What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?
A. There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.

Q. What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. Pimp.

Q. What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
A. Beethoven's First Movement.

Q. What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
A. I can't see a thing with all this shit in here!

Q. Why do women wear black underwear?
A. They are mourning for the stiff they buried the night before.

Q. How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?
A. Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays
it all over the car.

Q. What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School
reunion?
A. At a hockey game you see fast pucks.

Q. What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A. A salad shooter

Q: What's the difference between a woman with VD and a clever midget?
A: One's a cunning runt...

Women all over the U.S. are giving up bowling for fucking. It seems that
the balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes!!

Q: How do deaf people have phone sex?
A: By fax.

Q: What do you get if you cross your missus with a pit bull?
A: Your very last headjob.

Q: Did you hear about Martina Navratilova's new book?
A: It's called how I licked all them cunts at Wimbledon.

Q: How can you tell if a crab is an insomniac?
A: It only sleeps in snatches.

 

[melody]

A French-Canadian Man

One summer a few years ago, a middle age French-Canadian man named
Jacques decided to vacation on the coast of Maine. While soaking up some
sun on the beach, a very pretty girl caught his eye and his sexual
desires.

He immediately got up, ran to her, grabbed her by the hand and brought
her to his hotel room.

There he had sex with her and then sent the young lady on her way.

She immediately reported this to the police and Jacques was arrested.

On his court date the judge asked him if he understood the nature of the
crime he committed against the young lady. Jacques looked at the judge
with a bewildered look and said, "Non!! Hi don't understand! Hin my
country you grab de pretty girl, bring her to de hotel room, BOOM-BOOM,
give hit to her den let her go! Hit's O.K.!!!"

"Sir", the judge said, "in THIS country if you are to have sex with a
lady, you must have her permission first, or it is considered rape. You
must have her consent!"

After hearing this, Jacques turned around and mysteriously looked at the
judge and exclaimed, "CUNTSCENT!!! Hi got her cuntscent!!! Hi got her
cuntscent on my fingers, cuntscent on my mustache, hi got her cuntscent
everywhere!!!

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After
a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"

The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"

"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

 

[melody]

Campers

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they
were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You
know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split
up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike
south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our
experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes
south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a
canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I
sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The
wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day
overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says,
"I went south and ran across a set of railroad
tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied
to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks,
and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I
was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine.
Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

What are the 5 most common cuss words used?

SHIT --- You shithead
FUCK --- Fuck you, you fucking fuck,
DAMN --- You Damn fucking shit hole
PISS --- Piss on you
HELL --- You will go to Hell for saying that

 

[melody]

Say What You Mean

Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'

eeeee

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."

eeeee

Mum walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny furiously scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste. "What the hell do you think you're doing, young man?!" she exclaimed. "Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's."

eeeee

A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down
his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"

 

[melody]

EXPRESSIONS FOR HIGH STRESS DAYS

1. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine.

2. Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.

3. Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we now?

4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a fucking people person?

7. You! Off my planet!!

8. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

9. I wish for world peace, harmony and nakedness.

10 Let me show you how the guards used to do it

11. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

12. Allow me to introduce my selves.

13. Whisper my favorite words: I'll buy it for you.

14. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

15. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

16. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

17. How many times do I have to flush you before you go away?

18. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

19. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

20. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

21. Can I trade this job for what's behind door # 2

22. Okay, okay, I take it back! UNFUCK YOU!

23. Just smile and say "Yes Mistress,"

24. Mommy, I want to grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.

25. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

26. This is a mean, fucking cruel world & I want my nappy and medication right now.

27. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic except my friends deep
inside the earth.

28. Earth is full. Go home.

29. Is it time for your medication or mine?

30. And which dwarf are you?

31. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

 

[melody]

The Typical Man

A woman is in the hospital in a coma and the nurses are giving her a sponge
bath, and as they touched her private parts they noticed a slight response.

They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as
this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of
the coma."

The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the
curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and
goes into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlines ..no pulse ... no heart
rate.

The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his
pants and says, "I think she choked."

()()()()()

How can you identify the Polack at a Cock fight?
He's the one who brought the duck.

How can you identify the Italian at the Cock fight?
He's the one who bets on the duck.

How can you tell if the Mafia is involved in the Cock fight?
If the duck wins,

 

[melody]

Sheriff walks up to a gay cowboy, and says, "padner, you've got 5 minutes
to blow this town."
Gay cowboy looks around slowly and says, "this is a pretty big town, i'll
need a couple of hours."
~~~~
Q. Did you hear about the faggot undertaker?
A. He called his mates around to suck on a few cold ones!
~~~~
Q: How can you tell if your little boy will grow up to be homosexual?
A: He likes to play Lick the Can.
~~~~
Q: Did you hear the miracle plan announced in Congress
for ending AIDS?
A: Tell all the faggots to sit down and shut up.
~~~~
Q: What did the poof do when he missed his boyfriend?
A: He shit in his hand and had a wank.
~~~~
A faggot visited his bum buddy in the hospital. "What did they do?" he
asked his pillow biting boyfriend lying in the bed.
"They removed my tonsils, pulled out my teeth, and cut out my hemorrhoids."
"My God," gasped the poo bandit. "A complete hysterectomy!"
~~~~
Q: What is a shit?
A: A faggot's wet dream.
~~~~
Q: How can you tell if a Western is homosexual?
A: All the good guys are hung.
~~~~
Q: Did you hear about the Gay magician?
A: He vanished with a poof.
~~~~
Q: How can you tell if a household is homosexual?
A: The welcome mat reads: "Please wipe your knees."
~~~~
Q: What do you call a fag that doesn't have aids?
A: A lucky cocksucker.
~~~~
Q: What did one gerbil say to the other when they saw the faggot
….swish into the pet store?
A: "Don't panic! Just turn your back and act like a dog!"
~~~~
Q: How can you tell if you are in a gay amusement park?
A: They issue gerbils at the tunnel of love.
~~~~
There once was this bum fucking faggot!
He'd see anything male, and he'd shag it!
One day he fucked the wrong ass
Now he's pushing up grass
And his only mate is a maggot!
~~~~
Two faggots are in a hot tub pushing a big turd back and forth in the
water. Another fag walks by and asks, "What the hell are you two doing?"
"We are teaching our baby to swim!"
~~~~
Q: What do you call a gay dentist?
A: The tooth fairy!
~~~~
Q: What is the most popular pickup line in a gay bar?
A: Hey big guy, would you like me to push up your stool?

 

[melody]

Medical Breakthrough Medications

St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression
by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that
eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful
they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they
moved out.

Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full
cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size,
decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls,
is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up
phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin ... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases
resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be
a better person ... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to
shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra,
can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the
victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr.
Laura.

Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man
who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet
to be used on anyone too eager to share their life
stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More
effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear,
I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the
same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the
wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women
to identify who to cross off the ****** pool.