Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[miqveh]

I don't know if this is posted before but still a good laugh...

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Husband 1.0​

Dear Tech Support:​

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

_________________________________________​

Dear Desperate:

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command: "C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME" to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

Remember, though, that overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly 10.8. Whatever you do: DO NOT install Mother-in- Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

 

[minivan]

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!"

 

[sakuraguy]

yes , great ... bring this thread back to live man.... ;)

 

[SkYwAlKeR]

true story of my friend's friend having his SPM malay lisan

invigilator: apa nama adik??
student: saya tak ada adik...

and yet he passed his lisan... nothing wrong ma, he answer correctly...

 

[sakuraguy]

Beer Drinker's Troubleshooting Guide

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Room is spinning.
Fault: Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution: Vomit on person doing the spinning.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Lap cool and wet.
Fault: Drooling on yourself.
Solution: Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hijacked.

Symptom: Bar looks like a circus.
Fault: You're at a circus.
Solution: Go to a bar.

 

[sakuraguy]

Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head

 

[sakuraguy]

This guy is really horny, but all he has is two dollars. He goes to the nearest whore house and says to the man working there,

"Look, I'm really horny, but all I have is two dollars. What can I get?"

"Well, the cheapest we have is one hundred dollars. But I'll cut you a deal on two conditions. For two dollars, I'll let you go down two doors on the right, but you have to wear a black condom, and leave the lights out!"

The horny man agrees and goes two doors down on the right with the black condom on and the lights out. A while later he comes back out and says to the man working there, "Man, that was the best sex I've ever had, but why did I have to wear the black condom?"

"Well, you gotta show some respect for the dead!"

 

[sakuraguy]

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."



P/S: Wakakakakakaka .. he got it !

 

[sakuraguy]

Men's Archive

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get the remote.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, then it's our job to stomp them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we would hopefully like to have dinner with.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ... men will screw anything.

What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

How do you scare a man?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

What's the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need ... A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows ... it's never been done.

How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are already taken, and the ones left are handicapped.

What is a man's idea of helping you with housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

What is the difference between men and E.T.?
E.T. called home.

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

Do you know why there's a hole in a man's penis?
So he can get air to his brain.

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

How is a man like linoleum?
If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next 20 years.

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.

Why are men so happy?
Because ignorance is bliss.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a woman?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

If a man and a woman fell off a 10-story building at the same time, who would reach the ground first?
The woman ... the man would get lost.

How are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word either one of them says and they both last about 60 seconds.

How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in a bikini.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

If men got pregnant ....
Psychiatric Services and serious pain killers would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.

Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.

What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable."

What does a man consider to be quality time with his wife?
Pulling the sheets over her head and saying, "Great chili, Babe!"

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
****** children.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawnmowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time!

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't stop to ask for directions.

Why don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have a penis to keep them in!

What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They're usually intended for children, but it's the men who end up playing with them.

Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock!

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Why did God create a man before a women?
You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.

Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have penises to keep them in.

What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

How are men like noodles?
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.

What do a vagina, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men and spray paint alike?
One squeeze and they're all over you.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.

Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 50,000 miles, whichever came first.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, men will screw anything.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
****** children.

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.

The three words most hated by men during sex?
"Are you In?" or "Is It In?"

Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Three words women hate to hear when having sex?
"Honey, I'm home!"

 

[sakuraguy]

The Blonde's

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.

Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"

Q: How do you get a blonde off of your knees?
A: Come.

Q: How does a blond spell farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O

Q: How does a bitchy blonde do it doggy style?
A: She takes off her clothes and makes her boyfriend roll over and beg.

Q: How does a blond kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.

Q: How do you know a blond likes you?
A: She screws you two nights in a row.

Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
A: Her crayons are still sticky.

Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

Q: Why can't blondes count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.

Q: How is a blonde like peanut-butter?
A: They spread for the bread.

Q: What do you call a blonde on a waterbed?
A: Cherry Float

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
A: a foursome.

Q: What do you give the blonde that has everything?
A: Penicillin.

Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.

Q: What nickname is most used by blondes in order to boost their popularity?
A: B.J.

Q: Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped?
A: Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open.

Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.

Q: Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
A: They have to pull their own pants down.

Q: Why do blondes wear panties?
A: To keep their ankles warm.

Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A: It's too hard to re-train them.

Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.

Q: What do blonde virgins eat?
A: Baby food.

Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm sooo drunk!"

Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

 

[turbo10]

hehehe...really funny guys..thanx sakuraguy..and all..really released some tense burdening my head..i laughed and laughed..head cleared..eh..i wonder if anyone remembered reading jokes about a guy chatting in mirc...i read it in here and forgotten where..

 

[sakuraguy]

Ure welcome bro. I know some may need this kinda thread. Thats y I am here. :)

Enjoy ure day!

 

[KeV-TEC]

waahaha... that 1st 1.... masuk lagi.. hoho

 

[Maozai]

Now come the small hero,
Her youngest son (10 years old), was listening quietly all this while at the other end of the room.
Suddenly, he shouted "Brother....female mini bus conductor more better laa....they always say...”NAIK CEPAT,NAIK CEPAT...MASUK,MASUK.....MASUK LAGI, DALAM LAGI...DALAM LAGILAAAAH, MASUK BELAKANG....BELAKANG LAGI, …...BELAKANG BANYAK KOSONG!..........."

this really make me laught ...... haha

Usually you apply 2 days sick leave every year, so you still left 20 days working. Every year have 5 days holidays for festival or whatever, then you just work for 15 days.

Again, company every year gives you 14 days leave?
THEN! You ONLY WORK FOR 1 DAY!!!
Damn! You still want to apply 1 day leave ?

hey guys ...... i'll wish i can have a job like he did ..... lol
but i dun think we work so less days in a year !! .............................. do we???

 

[sakuraguy]

Bored? .. sad? come read this ..!

 

[sakuraguy]

Sardari Ji's Archive


Santa: WHat is another difference between a mosquito and a fly?
Banta: A fly can fly but a mosquito cannt mosquito.

Banta: When did George Washington die?
Santa: 2 days b4 his funeral

Banta: tell me five FERROUCIOUS animals that you can think of......
Santa: 3 lions and 2 tigers.

Sardarji is buying a TV
"Do you have colour TVs?"
"Sure."
"Give me a green one, please."

Sardarji calls Air India.
"How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?"
"Just a sec," says the rep.
Thank you." says the Sardarji and hangs up.

Sardarji is filling up a job application
He promptly fills in the lines on NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc.
Then came the column SALARY EXPECTED
After much thought he writes: Yes

A sardar invested 2 Lakhs in a business and Suffered huge Loss. Do u know what the business was? . . . .. . . . . .. . . He opened a Saloon in Punjab!

A sardarji photographer is focusing a dead body's face in a funeral function, suddenly all dead persons relatives beat him. why? He said "SMILE PLEASE"

Sardarji gets ready, wears tie, coat, goes out, climbs tree, and sits on the branch regularly. A man asks why he does this. Sardarji: "I've been promoted as branch manager."

Why is a Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open mouth................. Because his doctor advised him "Today's dinner should be light"

One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college. U know Why? Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...

Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant: It's already raining. Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.

Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever - What will come first, Chicken or egg? O Yaar, what ever u order first will come first.

A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except one Sardarji. He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"

Postman: - I Have To Come 5 Miles to Deliver U This PacketSardar: - Why did u come so far. Instead u could have posted it....

A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce. Judge asked: How'll U divide, U"VE 3 children? Sardar replied: Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR

Sardar's wish: when i die, i wana die like my grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all d passengers in d bus he was driving..

A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid. A Sardar stands up- We must find & stop her!.

A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not in the morning. Sardarji replied ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.

Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital. The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies. Sardarji goes 2 china 2 find meaning of friends last words. It is 'U R STANDNG ON the OXGN TUBE!"

Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed. His wife asked what you are doing. He said-I am seeing how I look while sleeping.

Why did Sardar cut the sides of the capsule before taking it? Guess what...---To avoid side effect!!!

Man: Sardarji where were u born? Sardarji: Punjab . Man: Which part? Sardar: Oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body is born in punjab".

Sardar: For the past one week a girl is disturbing me. I don't know how she got my no, She interrupts whenever I call someone and says "please recharge your card"

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found Mrs Sardar painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall. She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For best results put on two coats"

A sardar was drawing money from ATM, The sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks (****). The first sardar replies, Ha! Ha! Haaa! U r wrong, Its 1258.

Q How do u recognize a sardar in school or college???

A They are the ones who erase their notebooks when the teacher erases the blackboard... BOLO tarara!!

Q Why did the sardarji sleep with a scale? A Because he wanted to measure how much he has slept........

Santa Singh MBBS. After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his own practice. He checked his first patient's Eyes, then the Tongue, and finally the Ears using a torch. Finally he said Battery is Ok !!!

 

[sakuraguy]

Men Are Happier !

Men are Happier

Men are just simply happier people, and here is why...

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car Mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You dont have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes dont cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all of your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

 

[sakuraguy]

Forgetful Actor

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play hes practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

 

[sakuraguy]

A 90 Year Old Man's Happy Life

A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup. The doctor asked him how he
was feeling. "I've never been better," the old man replied." I've got an eighteen-year- old wife who's pregnant & delivered a child. "What is your opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked.

The doctor thought for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who is an hunter. He never misses a season for hunting. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. The doctor continued, "So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a lion in some bush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle.

BAM !!!

The lion drops dead in front of him." "That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. Someone else must have shot that lion."

"Exactly" Said the Doctor

 

[sakuraguy]

"A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo"



A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner. "Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"

"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.

The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"

"It was ME," chortled the Indian.

So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.

Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies.

"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?"

"Fair enough," said Sven.

"Ok," the Norwegian said, "my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"

"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"

The Norwegian burst out, "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!"