Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

Blonde Moments

Two blonde girls walk into a department store.They walk up to the
perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her
wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?"
Kathy takes a sniff and replies, "That is nice. What's it called?"
"Viens a moi," replies Nancy.
"Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?"
At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a moi,ladies,
means 'come to me' in French." Nancy takes another sniff, then offers
her arm to Kathy again and remarks,
"That doesn't smell like cum to me.
Does that smell like cum to you?"

 

[melody]

{WARNING! This One Is Sick!}

Two cowboys were drinking at the bar in a saloon out in West Texas. One
of them was chewing tobacco and spat in the spittoon.

The other cowboy said, "Tell you what. I'll bet you $50 that you won't
take a sip out of the spittoon that you just spit in."

The other cowboy said, "I'll take that bet," and he picked up the
spittoon. He lifted the large, heavy spitton up to his mouth and put it
to his lips. He tilted it slightly, then more, then more until he
finally had drank all of the contents.

The cowboy who had initiated the wager said, "Man! Here's your fifty
bucks! Wow! I would have paid you to just take a sip, which is what the
bet was. Why did you drink the whole thing?"

The other cowboy replied, "I tried to take a sip but I couldn't. It was
all stuck together."

 

[melody]

{From The Continuing Saga Of Little Johnny}

One day, little Johnny was bugging his mother, so she told him to
go outside and play. Johnny went outside and down the street. He
saw firefighters rescue a little baby from a burning building and save
the day. He ran home all excited that he saw this, and started to tell
his mother. She interrupted him, saying, "I already heard it all on my
scanner." Little Johnny pouts and goes to his room.

The next day, his mother tells him to go out and play. Again he goes
down the street and this time he sees an ambulance show up at an
accident and save the people's lives. He rushes home and starts to tell
his mother what he saw. She interrupts saying she already heard it on
her scanner.

Again The next day, she sends him out to play, but this time he decides
to go a different way. He walks around farmer Mac's barn and sees him
screwing a pig in the ass. He thinks to himself man I shouldn't be here.
He starts to sneak away when "snap", he steps on a twig. Mac hears him
and says, "Hey Johnny is that you?" Johnny says, "Yeah." The farmer ask
Johnny if he wants to try it. Johnny thinks, why not, and has himself
the time of his life.

When he's done he runs home and starts yelling, "Mommy, mommy, guess
what I did today!"

She says, "OK, what?"

He proudly says, "I got laid."

She replies, "In a pig's ass."

Johnny, now pissed, screams, "DAMN SCANNER!!"

 

[melody]

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've
got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard."

 

[melody]

Dave returned home late and found a naked man
with a hard-on in his wife's bedroom closet.

"Hey, what the fuck are you doing in there?"

"I'm riding a bus."

"That's a fucking stupid thing to say!"

"Well, that's a fucking stupid thing to ask!"

 

[melody]

One of our geeks was at my computer adjusting some settings so I took
the opportunity to ask him a question.

"With all this stuff going around, how do I know if I have a virus?"

He kept working, but without missing a beat he said, . . . "It will burn
when you pee."

 

[melody]

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from
their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this
'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'.
'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk
about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever
have mutual orgasm?". Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook
her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm.

 

[melody]

Annual Checkup

Ruth was complaining to her doctor at the annual checkup, "I'm
losing my urge to make love."
"Mrs. Edelman, it's quite natural and understandable. After all,
you are eighty-four," said the doctor. "But please tell me,
when did you start to notice the change?"
"Last night," she answered, "and then again this morning."
"Aha!" exclaimed the physician. "Your problem isn't a diminished
sex drive. What you need is to be coupling at least fifteen
times a month."
After thanking him, she headed home, eager to let her husband
know her doctor's prescription. "Guess what? He says I need it
fifteen times a month, at least!"
Putting in his dentures her husband said, "That's great, honey.
Put me down for five."

 

[melody]

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers
happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were
discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane
and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Ross was into clubbing, so I'm going to
scatter his ashes on the dance floor."

The third man said, "My Paul was such a good lover, I think I'm going
to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one
more time."

 

[melody]

"Pass The Note"

John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his
wife's side of the bed.

His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs
preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little
boy into he room and asked him to take this note to your beautiful
Mommy."

The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take
this to your silly Daddy.

Her note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply.

Then, he asked his son to take it back to "the lady in the kitchen."

His note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take this
to the poor dude upstairs."

Her note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
Do It By Hand!

 

[melody]

Fucking Parrot

Hawthorne buys a parrot, and the first night he has it, he brings
home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna try to fuck you!
He's gonna try to fuck you!"

After he takes her home, he says to the parrot, "You pull that shit
again, I'll slash your throat and throw you in the toilet."

The next night, he brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches,
"He's gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna try to fuck you!"

Hawthorne grabs the parrot, slashes his throat, and throws him in
the toilet. He goes back to the girl and it turns out she's having
her period, so she excuses herself to go yank out her tampon.

She's sitting on the bowl after she yanks it out, when she hears,
"I'm gonna live! I'm gonna live!"

She says, "What do you mean, 'You're gonna live'?"

The parrot points to her bloody snatch and says, "If you can live
with a gash like THAT, I can live with a gash like THIS!"

 

[melody]

A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.
"Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist.
"Only one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the arse."

_____

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before

 

[melody]

Two friends talking.
John, would you like to participate in group sex?"
"Who's involved?"
"Me, you, and your wife."
"NO!"
"Fine. Then I'll take your name off the list."

 

[melody]

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"
The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!" The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away.
Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair."
Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"

 

[melody]

Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened
to mention that he had gotten circumcised last week.

"Can I see it?" asked the second gay guy.

So the first guy promptly dropped his pants to show off his
operation.

"Oooh," squealed his friend, "you look ten years younger!"

 

[melody]

Two firemen were buttfucking in a smoke-filled room.

The fire chief came in and saw what they were doing.
He shouted, "What the hell are you guys doing?"

The first fireman said to the chief, "This man is suffering
from smoke inhalation!"

The chief replied, "Why the hell didn't you just give him
mouth to mouth or something?"

The fireman said, "I did! That's how all this shit got started!"

 

[melody]

Two gay guys live together. The first guy said,
"Let's play hide and seek. I'll hide, and if you
find me I'll blow you."

The second guy asked, "What if I can't find you?"

The first replied, "I'll be behind the piano."

 

[melody]

A guy's jogging through the San Francisco park when he veers off the "beaten path" to take a leak. He accidentally steps into quicksand and rapidly sinks to his waist. He can't get himself out.

So he calls to another guy who's jogging. "Hey, can you give me a hand?"

The other jogger says, "I'll help you - for a blowjob!"

"Hell no! Damned fags!" The jogger shrugs and goes on his little merry way.

A few moments later, the sinking jogger is still going down, and another male jogger comes up. Again, the man in the quicksand asks for some help. "For a blowjob!" the other jogger says.

"Hell no!! Damned fags!"

By this time, he's almost up to his neck in the quicksand. A third male jogger comes by. The man in the quicksand says, "Look, hey, if you help me out of here, (sigh) I'll give you a blowjob."

The new jogger walks over. He stops in front of the other guy. Then he takes his foot and puts it on the guy's head and pushes him down under the quicksand. "Damned fags."

 

[melody]

"Mom, can I ask you something?"

"Sure! What about?" replied mother.

"Well, I'm already fourteen and..
I think it's just proper that I should own one."

"Own 'one' what?" mother asked suspiciously.

"A push up bra?"

"No."

"But my nipples get hard and it catches attention."

"Nope."

"I think it would be just proper at my age..."

"I said no way...!"

"But all of my friends wear.......!"

John! How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls!?"

 

[melody]

A Daily Moment With Zen:

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15. Don't squat with your spurs on.

16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

20. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

23. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

24. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

25. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

26. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28. Never miss a good chance to shut up.