Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[sakuraguy]

A Blonde's Year in Review


January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 . "duh".....there's no "eleven" Button on the stupid phone!!!


THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

 

[sakuraguy]

Porno Clips

Enjoy you dirty monkeys..

http://img3.freeimagehosting.net/uploads/01e9311f05.jpg

 

[sakuraguy]

Suicide Bomber

http://img297.imageshack.us/img297/6093/6k4liqplr2.jpg

 

[sakuraguy]

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 40 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor." No, from skipping."

 

[sakuraguy]

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor she's broken every
single bone in her body. "That's impossible!" says the doctor.

The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!" She then touches her leg with
her index finger and screams "Ouch!" Then she touches her arm and yells
"Eeeeoooow!" Finally she touches her ribs and can barely maintain her
composure as the tears start to roll down her face. She says, "See, I told
you I broke every bone in my body."

The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination. "Well, miss,"
he tells her, "I've got some good news and some bad news.

The good news is, you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is, you've broken your finger."

 

[sakuraguy]

The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman



#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.

#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.

#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

 

[melody]

Different types of bra's

Poisonous BRA --- coBRA

Mathemetical BRA---- algeBRA

striped BRA---- zeBRA

strongestBRA- --- vertiBRA

sunsignBRA-- -- liBRA

magical(invisible) BRA---aBRA ka daBRA

 

[melody]

I will do it.....!

Once, a beautiful secretary of the Managing Partner of a very big and reputed company
goes to a sight-seeing tour with a very rich african who was a very important client.

The client, out of the blue, asks her to marry him.

Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her.
Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman
from wanting to marry her.

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to man, "I will only marry you under three conditions.
First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara."

The rich man pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says
"No problem!! I have it.. I have."

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to man,
"I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home,
I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The rich man pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone,
calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France.
He looks at the woman, nods his head and says,
"Okay, okay. I build it.., I build."

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make
this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea.
A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly,
" I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch willie "

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table.
All the while, he's muttering something in African dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, hit the ground with his feet..
looking real sad, says to the woman,
"Okay, okay. I cut it.. I cut."

 

[melody]

Frustations of married man.. Too much!! LoL

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and t-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla immediately went crazy.
He jumped on the bars and, holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously very excited by the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got extremely excited, now making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her dress straps fall to show a little more skin. She did ... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down!

"Now, show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.

This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips and charging the bars!

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla, slammed the cage door shut ................


and said, "Now, tell him you have a headache AND U ARE NOT IN THE MOOD NOW."

 

[melody]

A Dentist's Wisdom

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled.

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. "I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. "No,"- the patient says, -"I am fine with pills".

The dentist then returns and says, "Here is a Viagara tablet."

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagara worked as a pain pill!"

"It doesn't,"- said the dentist -"but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."

 

[melody]

http://img296.imageshack.us/img296/7370/joke1bf5.png

 

[melody]

http://img182.imageshack.us/img182/1649/bunny2ej1.jpg

 

[melody]

Nervous Dad

Dave is told his girlfriend’s gone into labour early. "Here’s the nurse’s direct number," a supervisor tells him. Unfortunately, the number is wrong and Dave gets through to the local cricket club during a game. "How’s everything going?" he asks.

"Oh, fine," says a cheery woman. "We’ve got eight out already."

"Eight?" wails Dave, who’s nervous enough about becoming a dad.

"Yep," she says. "And the last one was a duck."

 

[melody]

Have you noticed that your computer monitor, after a few years of use, is not as clear as it was when new? Well, that's because electrostatic charges cause micro-etching on the interior surface of the glass which can degrade the picture quality.

As a result you end up straining your vision and visual acuity can suffer.. BUT... GOOD NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks to MICROSOFT this process is REVERSIBLE thanks to a brand new JUST INTRODUCED PROGRAM that "cleans" the inside of the screen!!!!!!

The process takes LESS THAN 30 SECONDS, and the difference is IMMEDIATELY NOTICEABLE!!!!!
By scrolling down to the bottom, the embedded program will clean your computer screen.





























SCREEN CLEANER

http://img242.imageshack.us/img242/4195/dog1ti9.gifhttp://img168.imageshack.us/img168/6781/dog2xd1.gifhttp://img169.imageshack.us/img169/9592/dog3ks2.gifhttp://img175.imageshack.us/img175/8499/image004mg6.gifhttp://img186.imageshack.us/img186/6461/image005ml8.gifhttp://img244.imageshack.us/img244/1963/image006uo9.gif
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OK. Your screen is clean.


http://img263.imageshack.us/img263/2734/hahasw5.gif

http://img185.imageshack.us/img185/4416/laughingmouseoj1.gif

 

[melody]

Discoveries of man & woman


Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up .

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip .

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage .

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered

 

[melody]

http://img244.imageshack.us/img244/2553/coolingyourpchs7.jpg

 

[melody]

http://img299.imageshack.us/img299/6715/j1mv0.gif http://img178.imageshack.us/img178/7804/runawayhusbandja4.gif http://img201.imageshack.us/img201/9241/j2ky5.gif

http://img166.imageshack.us/img166/7149/j3ir1.gif​

This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. So he decided to take his new Porsche on a test drive down the interstate one day.

http://img145.imageshack.us/img145/9222/j4gg2.gif​

He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.

http://img167.imageshack.us/img167/8342/j5za7.gif​

The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, “This is crazy, I could go to jail for this,” so he pulled over. The patrolman came to the car and told the man, “It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go.”

http://img244.imageshack.us/img244/3572/j6xc9.gif​

So the man told the officer, “Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back.” The officer looked at the man and said, “Have a nice day.”​

http://img244.imageshack.us/img244/2517/j7vr5.gif
​

 

[melody]

Email to wife (wrong recipient)


A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

http://img413.imageshack.us/img413/469/computerinhotelso0.jpg

Meanwhile… somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Reached Safely
Date: 21 st July, 2004

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones. I’ve just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was …

 

[melody]

I like your thinking


A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Mark.

He replies, “None , they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then little Mark says, “I have a question for YOU. ”
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”
To which Little Mark replied,
“The correct answer is ‘the one with the Wedding ring on,” but I like your thinking.”

 

[melody]

Clever Prisoner and the prison guard

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some flowers in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”

http://img120.imageshack.us/img120/5364/prisonerandflowerqt6.gif

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:“Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the entire back garden.”

The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the flower.”