Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

Prince Charles & Sardarji were having dinner.
Prince said, "Pass the wine you divine".
Sardar thinks "how poetic"
Sardar says, "pass the custard you bastard".


Sardar at bar in New York.
Man on his right says "Johny Walker single"
Man on his left says "Peter Scotch single"
Sardar says - "Baljith Singh Married"


Boss : am giving u job as a driver. STARTING salary Rs.2000/-, is it o.k
Sardar : U R great sir! Starting salary is o.k.......but??
how much is DRIVING salary...?

Sardar's theory : Moon is more impt than Sun, coz it gives light at
night when light is needed & Sun gives light during the day when light
is not needed!!!


2 sardars are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the
other to check whether its working, he puts his head out and says
YES...NO...YES...NO...YES...NO...

 

[melody]

A sardar for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in the
exam the essay which came was 'FATHER' . he replaced friend with father
in the essay and>it read: AM A VERY FATHERLY PERSON, I HAVE LOTS OF FATHERS,
SOME OF MY FATHERS ARE MALE AND SOME ARE FEMALE. MY TRUE
FATHER IS MY NEIGHBOUR.

Interviewar: what s ur qualification?
Sardarji : Sir I am Ph.d.
Interviewar : what do u mean by Ph.d?
Sardarji : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY....

Santa goes 2 a Petrol Pump sees a board Don"t use Mobile Here,
he Picks his Mobile Phone,
Calls everyone from his phone & says DON"T CALL ME NOW.

CID to Santa: Why criminals leave

their finger prints aftr their work?

Santa: Sir, criminals r uneducatd.

If they r educatd,

they wud leave their signature

 

[melody]

In a bar 1Guy says 2 another
"I kissd ur mom last n8"

whole bar was waitin 4
d othr Guy's response.

He laughs & says:
"Lets go home dad,
U r drunk".


English Teacher:
Make a sentence using "Neither-Nor"

Naughty boy Student:
When girls wear tight fitting dresses,
"NEiTHER" are they
comfortable, "NOR" are we!

 

[melody]

Where is God??

Two brothers, about 8 and 10 years old, were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it usually turned out they had a hand in it.

Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them, so hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys.

The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!"

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.

He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."

The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"

His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"

 

[melody]

Suffering Heart Attacks!

(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Americans or Australians.

(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Americans or Australians.

(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Americans or Australians.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Americans or Australians.

(E) Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

 

[melody]

Fiance & his God!!

A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man.

The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.

"So what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.

"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.

"A Biblical scholar. Hmmm," the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"

"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.

The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.

Later, the mother asked, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answered, "He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I'm God!"

 

[melody]

When Hindi Prof speaks English!!!


Inside the Class

* Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
* Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.
* Cut an apple into two halves - take the bigger half.
* Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed away in the corridor
* You, meet me behind the class ( meaning AFTER the class) when I am empty
(meaning when he is FREE).
* Both of u three, get out of the class.
* Close the doors of the windows please .. I have winter in my nose today...
* Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver.....
* Take 5 cm wire of any length....


About his family

* I have two daughters. Both of them are girls...(?)


At the ground

* All of you, stand in a straight circle.
* There is no wind in the balloon.


To a boy, angrily

* I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk?


Giving a punishment

* You, rotate the ground four times...
* You, go and under-stand the tree...
* You three of you, stand together separately.
* Why are you late - say YES or NO ....(?)


Sir at his best

Sir had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance, he happened to see one of our boys at the theater, though the boy did not see them. So the next day at school... (to that boy) - "Yesterday I saw you WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theater"


* To a beautiful girl who is trying to make excuses for coming in late
" What is this ? Yesterday you were lying with the principal and today you are trying to lie with me"


* To a boy telling him to summon a girl "Hey boy, Call girl !"


* Telling a student to put a picture on the wall before an exhibition "Boy, hang that picture on the wall or I will hang MYSELF "


* Student : " Sir, would you mind if I sit in the back of the class. "
Prof. Bihari : " No, No! ... I have no mind . "

 

[melody]

Reason why never visit a Five Star Hotel

Question : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"

Answer: "tea please"

Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"

Answer : "Ceylon tea "

Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?"

Answer: "white"

Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"

Answer: "With milk "

Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"

Answer: "With cow milk please.

Question: " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"

Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "

Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"

Answer: "With sugar"

Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"

Answer: "Cane sugar "

Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"

Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."

Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "

Answer: "Mineral water"

Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"

Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst

 

[melody]

Things To Say When You caught Sleeping At Your Desk

They told me at the blood bank this might happen.."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.."

"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.."

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm..!"

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people..!"

"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.."

"Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend..

"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.."

"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off..!"

"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic . . . "

 

[melody]

WHY men wear ear rings?


I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing
an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally
conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in
"fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, "he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity
prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

 

[melody]

Time To Study!!

Hi Friends,

It Is No Fault Of Student Becoz A Year Has Only 365 Days.

Days In A Year = 365

Sundays = 52 Days
Sundays Are Meant For Rest

Days Left = 313 Days

Summer Vacations = 60 Days
Weather Is Very Hot, and its a Vacation

Days Left = 253 Days

8 Hours Of Daily Sleep = 122 Days
Sleep Is Necessary

Days Left = 131

1 Hour Daily For Play = 15 Days
Its Good For Health

Days Left = 116 Days

2 Hours Daily For Food = 30 Days
Chew The Food Properly Don't Care For Time

Days Left = 86 Days

Examination Days In A Year = 30 Days
Giving Exams Is Necessary

Days Left = 56 Days

Winter Vacations = 25 Days

Weather Is Cold Its Difficult To Study

Days Left = 31 Days

Other Holidays = 20 Days

These Holidays Are To Enjoy

Days Left = 11 Days

Illness At least Once A Year = 8 Days
Becoz Of Illness Study Is Difficult

Days Left = 3 Days

Result Days = 3 Days
Going And Taking Result Is Necessary

Days Left =0 Days

So Tell Me Where Is The Time To Study?

 

[melody]

Male Comebacks To Female Comebacks

Man : I know how to please a woman.
Woman : Then please leave me alone.
Man : I guess you're pretty good at pleasing yourself then.


Man : I want to give myself to you.
Woman : Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
Man : Oh, just cheap perfume then.


Man : You look like a dream.
Woman : Go back to sleep.
Man : You mean this isn't a nightmare?


Man : Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman : Do not enter, -OR- Stop.
Man : Really? You look more like a "Yield."


Man : Your body is like a temple.
Woman : Sorry, there are no services today.
Man : Here's a donation to restore the exterior.


Man : What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
Woman : What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?
Man : You're right. I was lying.


Man : Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman : Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man : Well, I guess you really don't belong in the men's room anyway.


Man : So, what do you do for a living?
Woman : I'm a female impersonator.
Man : So that's how you got the moustache.


Man : "Want to dance?"
Woman : "No, thank you."
Man : "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."


Man : You're pretty
Woman : Piss off.
Man : Don't interrupt, You're pretty....... ugly.

 

[melody]

New Style Love Letter!!

My dear FAIR and LOVELY (ek chand ka tukda) , after WIPRO (Applying Thought) so much ,I dare to say that You are my TVS SCOOTY (First love) and my AIWA (Pure passion). I always BPL (Believe in the best) and you are SANSUI (Better than the best). You are DOMINO'S PIZZA (Delivering a million smiles) for me. This is a COLGATE ENERGY GEL (Seriously fresh) feeling for me.

I want you to be my life partner but I think you are worried about your father who is KAWASAKI BAJAJ CALIBER (The Unshakable) and my father who is CEAT (Born Tough) but don't worry as I am also FORD ICON (The Josh Machine) and rest of our family members are KELVINATORS (The Coolest ones).

If they say no, we will run away and marry and PHILIPS (Let's Make Things Better). They will feel MIRINDA (Zor ka jhatka dhire se lage) but I believe in COCA COLA (Jo chahe ho jaye). For our marriage SAMSUNG DIGITALL (Everyone's Invited) and after marriage we'll become WHIRLPOOL (U and ME - The World's best homemakers)

Trust in God who's always NOKIA (Connecting people) who love each other. And we are WILLS (Made for each other) . Now that HYUNDAI (we are listening) the song of love, you must know that love is DAIRY MILK (Real taste of life), SATYAM ONLINE (Fun, Fast, Easy).So never forget me. Ok bye!

I wrote little but PEPSI (Yeh dil mange more).

LG (Digitally Yours) !!!!!
bye bye

 

[melody]

Men's Logic

A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case.

The Problem was who should get custody of the child.

The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honor. I brought The child into the world with all the pain and labor.

The child Should be in my custody. "

The judge turned to the husband and said: "What do you have to Say in your defense?"

The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose. "Your Honor... If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi Comes out...

Whose Pepsi is it... The machine's or mine?"

 

[melody]

Relax and have a good laugh.


During the Mahathir's Era.…

One lousy day in the middle of the economic crisis, PM Mahathir was feeling extremely frustrated and wondering how another neighbouring country can be doing better than Malaysia.

One of his aides said, "I heard that the leaders consult Feng Shui masters to ensure prosperity for the country."

Dr M thought if that is the case Malaysia Boleh also, and went to seek the top bomoh's advice in the country.

After reviewing the case, the bomoh told Dr M that there are 2 things that he must do:

Bomoh: Step 1 - You must blame the crisis on SOROS for everything.

Dr M: But Why?

Bomoh: Because SOROS stands for: "Speculate On Ringgit Or Stocks". You must blame him, and look at ways to control the ringgit and stock market.

Bomoh: Step 2 - You must get rid of ANWAR.

Dr M: What, why him?!

Bomoh: Because ANWAR stands for: "A Nation Without Any Ringgit".

Dr M: But how? This is most difficult to do, he is very popular with the people.

Bomoh: Aiyoh, you bodoh lah! Look at your name, MAHATHIR, see what it stands for!! "Make Anwar Homosexual And Then Highlight It Repeatedly"!!!

 

[7Heaven]

hahaha!!! nice ANWAR and MAHATHIR!!!

 

[melody]

http://img512.imageshack.us/img512/3291/92882154os0.jpg

 

[melody]

Car Operating System!!

Bill's company made software to run a car.
Bill was taking a test ride of the car. Suddenly a truck came from opposite side.

Bill pressed ctrl+b to apply brakes.
A pop-up window appeared asking, "Are you sure you really want to stop?"
Before Bill could enter "Yes", there was a crash and the car caught fire.

In panic Bill forgot the password to open the door.
He started shouting "F1! F1!" but there was no computer professional present there to understand his screams.

Then he tried to come out through the car window-pane.
A message appeared on the screen, "An illegal function is performed.
All the window-panes of the car will be closed." Poor Bill died.

Messengers of death took away his soul and said to him, "You have never ever performed any good deeds in your life. You always stole the code from others. We are going to send you to hell."

Bill pleaded, "I am ready to go to hell but do provide me a computer, please."
Messengers of death smiled inwardly and permitted him a computer, but with no Alt, Ctrl and Delete keys on the keyboard.

 

[melody]

Customer to waiter: Everyday you charge me money for a cup of coffee. It will be wonderful if you serve me coffee free of cost today.

Waiter: Sir, everyday you drink coffee from a filled cup. It will be wonderful if you drink it from an empty cup today.


Doctor's Promise!!

"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."

"Don't worry, it won't happen to you. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia only."


Dentist's Thinking!!

Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth."

Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."


In Safe Hands!!

Patient: Doctor I heard 10 percent of the total patients undergoing this surgery die.

Doctor: Don’t worry man, those 10 percent patients operated by me are already dead. Now it’s the turn of the 90 percent survivors.

 

[melody]

Officers at a military installation in U.S. were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks.

Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, "There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee."

The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?"

"Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard."

*******************

A married man was visiting his mistress one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.

"Oh James," she pleaded, "I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome, clean-shaven face."

James quickly replied, "My wife loves this beard, Jocelyn. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"

"Oh, please?" Jocelyn asked again, in a sexy little voice.

"Oh really, I can't," he replied. "She loves it … I just can't!"

But Jocelyn was seductively persistent, and he sighed and finally gave in.

That night, a worried James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife woke up and sleepily felt his face.

Suddenly she was wide awake and sitting bolt upright in the bed. She said tersely, "Jesus Christ, Michael! What the hell are you doing here? My husband will be home any minute!"

*******************

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!" There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that loves you .
The 2nd floor has wives that loves you and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

*******************

MAN:boy, whats your dad's name?

BOY:his name is LAUGHING..

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.
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MAN:and yoursmother's name?

BOY:SMILING..

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.
.

MAN:you must be kidding...

BOY:no, thats my brother..

.
.
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i am JOKING..!

*******************