Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

Bathroom!!

This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down in the bathroom when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:

"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,

"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:

"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:

"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

"Can I come over?"

OK, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them ,

"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions"

 

[7Heaven]

hahahaha !!!!! nice!!

 

[melody]

HOT News !!!!!!!!!!!​

​

TAJMAHAL IS MOVING FROM AGRA TO PUNE
don't believe ? huh..?
Ok... Scroll down to see the proof
-

--------


----


--


-


-


--


-------


---------


----


--


-


-


--


-------


---------





--


--


-


-


--


-------


---------


----


--


-


-


--


-------


---------




-


--


-------


---------


----


--


-


-
-


-


--



--


-


-


--





--


-


-


--


--


-


-


--


-------


---------


----


--


-


http://img522.imageshack.us/img522/7593/tajke0.jpg



http://img522.imageshack.us/img522/4174/taj1zj8.gif​

Even i am looking for the person who sent it to me........​

 

[melody]

A Touching Love Story.....

There was a mosquito and a dog who loved each other a lot???..

One day the mosquito got excited and gave a love bite to the dog??..

The dog became emotional and bit the mosquito??.

The next day???????.

?.

?.

?.

?.

?.

?.

?.

?.

?.

?.

?.

?.

?.

?.

?.

Mosquito died of rabies and dog died of malaria??????..

What a touching story?????????..!!!!!!

*******

Wrong Flowers!!

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'"

*******

No Untruth

One American Couple went to Africa for their Honeymoon.

While walking on the countryside they saw one beautiful lake. There was one boy standing and enjoying the atmosphere on the bank.

They asked him whether there are any sharks in the lake. He said No.

They jumped in the lake but after few minutes they got supicious.

They came back and asked the boy "Are you sure there are no sharks ?"

He replied "Believe me, Sharks don't come where there are Crocodiles".

*******

Mom Test!!

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter.

She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs' I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.'

I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.'

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad. ''Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.

******

Give Me a Break!!

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American,

"You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now I have a hell lot of family problems."

The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story.

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years."After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

The American continued,

My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.

And you say you have family problems.... Give me a break!!"

 

[melody]

PEANUTS!!

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well.

As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, 'Up Nuts', and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, 'Down Nuts', and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, 'Cheer Nuts'.

They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, 'Booooo Nuts' and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he turned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, 'What in the world happened?'

The assistant replied, 'Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'

********

NURSE NANCY!!

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.

''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says.

''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he almost died!''

''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, "earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''

All of a sudden they heard a blood curdling scream from down the hallway.

''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'''

********

3 OLD GUYS!!

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

*******

 

[melody]

OLD AGE!!

Two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a Widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.

The two were at the same table, across from one another as the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, " Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of ' careful consideration' , she answered "Yes. Yes, I will. "

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to Their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just Could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to The telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I Meant it with all my heart. "

Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

********

Honesty is the best Policy....

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north ab out 9 months ago ?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

********

 

[melody]

DIVORCE VS. MURDER!!

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!

They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

********

Password Problem

Bhola calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with his password.

No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," he says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains,

"so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," he says,

"but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

********

What is Your Age??

When a woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing,

Glenn and his partner, both EMT's rushed to her home.

Glenn placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen.

Then he began to gather her information. "What's your age?" he asked.

"Fifty-eight," answered the patient, eyeing the beeping device on her finger.

"What does that do?"

"It's a lie detector," said Glenn with a straight face.

"Now, what did you say your age was?"

"Sixty-seven," answered the woman sheepishly.

 

[melody]

Thoughts On The Future " Yeah .. Dream On FUnnY

http://img153.imageshack.us/img153/8063/futureageue0.gif​

 

[melody]

I received this picture of two really terrified gals ....

http://img518.imageshack.us/img518/8462/showletterboxinboxmsgidca7.jpg


They have seen something ....

or someone ...

that scares them silly ...


Do you know what/who it is ... ??

http://img504.imageshack.us/img504/4069/showletterboxinboxmsgidjm0.png


http://img225.imageshack.us/img225/6613/showletterboxinboxmsgidyw2.jpg​

 

[melody]

The Newly Wed Couple

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,Although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back... " "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer. "

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence,

Because the wife interrupted him by saying,

"You want a frozen glass, puppy face ?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?"

She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey... At the bar... You know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that ..." "You want dirty words, Cutie pie?...

LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F**KING BEER IN YOUR GOD-DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERF**KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING NYWHERE! GOT IT, A**HOLE?" ....

And, they lived happily ever after.

 

[7Heaven]

hahaha... micheal jackson so terrible meh?!
between i like his songs so much ler hehehe....
may be im terrible too HAHAHA!!!!

 

[melody]

hahaha..
well, he's kinda weird lor..
no doubt his songs are nice..

 

[melody]

Wacky Greetings for UNLOVED ONES!!

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.


2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.


3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am...
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.


4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.


5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.


6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!


7.. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.


8. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?


9. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.


10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?


11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.


12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.


13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)


14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?


15. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

 

[melody]

Difference between India and United States

While visiting India , George Bush was invited to tea with Abdul Kalam.
He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says
that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.
Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Kalam.
"Allow me to demonstrate. "
Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir !"
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says Kalam. He hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
Bush nods: "Yes Mr.President. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Bush, upon returning to Washington , decides he'd better put the Condoleeza Rice to the test. Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleeza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves. Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem. "Mr. Powell, your mother has a
child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's our Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Manmohan Singh!"
http://img518.imageshack.us/img518/1097/xmastampwx0.gif
merry christmas
~~mel~~

 

[melody]

http://img256.imageshack.us/img256/8348/jokeke4.png
http://img140.imageshack.us/img140/4264/xmasstamp1cu2.gif
merry christmas
~~mel~~

 

[melody]

A Naive Question...

http://img261.imageshack.us/img261/2118/image001br4.jpg

 

[melody]

Wife Vs Husband

A couple drove down a country road for several miles,

not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."


Words

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, " What?"


Creation

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


Who Does What

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,

that it indeed says........ .. "HEBREWS"


Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were givingeach other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious , he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM, Wake up."

 

[melody]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly?

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 

[melody]

Heavens Ugliest Women

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

 

[melody]

Two Trouble Makers

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"