Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[sakuraguy]

Nice ones Mel .. colourful n wonderful, like u ;)

 

[melody]

thnx sg..:girl_hug:

 

[melody]

The effects of Alcohol



After 6 beers

http://img518.imageshack.us/img518/3057/a1wb2.jpg


After 2 glasses of wine


http://img404.imageshack.us/img404/9550/a2ht4.jpg


After 2 bottles of wine - Shared of
course


http://img404.imageshack.us/img404/7139/a3gv3.jpg


After too many
margaritas


http://img518.imageshack.us/img518/44/a4yq8.jpg


After 3 Kamikazes


http://img518.imageshack.us/img518/5362/a5su1.jpg


After 7 rum & cokes


http://img519.imageshack.us/img519/8783/a6fj6.jpg


After 1 large purple haze


http://img404.imageshack.us/img404/783/a7zk6.jpg


After 6 cocktails


http://img404.imageshack.us/img404/1298/a8zi7.jpg


After 1 bottle of tequila


http://img518.imageshack.us/img518/1008/a9jl1.jpg

 

[melody]

Night Courses

Ah Beng went to take night courses for the reason in future can get promotion or better job. During work, Ah Beng likes to show off to Ah Seng about his knowledge.

Ah Beng: Ah Seng ah... I've been taking night courses for 3 months already, next week is the exam.
Ah Seng: Oh... Good luck ah.

Then Ah Beng started show off...

Ah Beng: Ok, I test you, who is Graham Bell?
Ah Seng: Don't know
Ah Beng: He is the inventor of phone la... in 1876, see... if you take night courses, you would know this.
Ah Seng: ........................ *speechless*

The next day, Ah Beng shows off again...

Ah Beng: Ah Seng ah... let me ask you, who is Jean Jacques Rousseau?
Ah Seng: Wash your toilet one ah?
Ah Beng: No! He's the author of "Confessions", nah nah nah... told you already, if you take night courses, you would know this.
Ah Seng: ......................... *speechless + frustrated*

The next day, once again...

Ah Beng: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas?
Ah Seng: Your gay partner?
Ah Beng: Choiii!!! If you don't know don't simply answer la. He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.
Ah Seng: ....................... *speechless + frustrated + irritated

This time Ah Seng cannot tahan (stand) anymore and ask Ah Beng...

Ah Seng: Eh... Do you know who is Ah Kaw?
Ah Beng: Errrr... No!
Ah Seng: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this!!
Ah Beng: ........................ *fainted*

 

[sakuraguy]

Again .. made my day my dear ..

 

[melody]

Mix Santa - Banta jokes

Titanic was sinking.

An Englishman asked Santa, "How far is land"?
Santa: 2 KMs.

Englishman jumped into sea.
Englishman: Now, which direction?

Santa: Downwards !

**********

Two days of powercut in Delhi had made life miserable.
Worst affected was Delhi Metro station where families of Santa & Banta were struck for 48 hrs on escalators.


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How did Santa tried to kill a bird??

He took it to the top of a building and dropped it from there to die.


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Santa: I have swallowed a Kay.

Doctor: When?

Santa: 3 months back!

Doctor: What were you doing till now?

Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.


*********

Santa was drawing money from ATM. Banta, who was just behind him in the line said: I've seen ur password. It's ****. Santa: U r wrong. It's 1394.


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Santa falls in love with a nurse... After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: "I luv u sister ."


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Santa asked Banta: Why Manmohan Singh goes for a walk in evening?

Banta: Very simple, because he is PM not AM.


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Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?

Pappu: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl .


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A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell.

Santa doesn't turns up for 4 days.

Lady calls again, Santa replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out.


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Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatos 5 days ago, he hasn't came back yet!

Santa: Why don't u cook something else? .


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An Englishman and Santa inside the toilet.

Englishman: Good evening, how do u do?

Santa: Good evening, we open the zip and do!


***********

Santa opened a petrol pump, but not even one customer went there. You know why?

Because he opened petrol pump on second floor..


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Ultimate answer while changing the job.

Interviewer: Why did you changed your last job?

Santa: Because the company shifted and didn't tell me where.


************

Santa and Banta went for a drive.

Santa: Hey, look out from the window, are the indicators working or not?

Banta puts his head out & says "Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No!!!"


************

Santa's wife dies. He is calm, but his wife's lover is crying furiously...

Finally, Santa consoles him: Don't worry buddy, I will marry again.


************

Why did Santa keep the door open while bathing?

Because he was afraid that someone might watch him from the key hole.


************

Santa phoned his wife: I am not coming home . The steering, dash board, gears of car have been stolen.

After sometime he calls again: I am coming , earlier I sat on the back seat.

 

[melody]

Test your Selves​

So, take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it ." The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have made your answer.



OK, relax, clear your mind and ... Begin. WELL, MAYBE NOT THAT CLEAR!



1. What do you put in a toaster?

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Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.



*******


2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell " silk." What do cows drink?


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Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat.

It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Children's World. If you said "water"


Then proceed to question 3.



*******


3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?


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Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions??? ?? If you said "glass,"

Then! Go on to Question 4.



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4. Its twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany(If you will recall, Germanyat the time was politically divided into West Germanyand East Germany.)


Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germanyand West Germany.

Where would you bury the survivors? East Germanyor West Germanyor in "no man's land"?


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Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else,

You are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors",

Then proceed to the next question.



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5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from Londonto MilfordHaven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on.

In Sweden, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.

In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmarthen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at MilfordHaven. What was the name of the bus driver?


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Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!


********


**to my "smart friends" and hope you do better than me**


(PS: 95% of people fail in most of the questions !!):tongwink:

 

[Daniel Lee]

I enjoy the Ah Beng's night courses!

 

[melody]

Cool Question...
http://img63.imageshack.us/img63/4350/cool1du6.jpgIn which direction is the bus traveling?"

Look carefully at the picture.

Do you know the answer?

(The only possible answers are "left" or "right.")

Think about it

Still don't know?


Okay, I'll tell you.


The pre-schoolers all answered "left."

When asked, "Why do you think the bus is traveling in the left direction?"

they answered:

"Because you can't see the door."

How do you feel now ???
I know, me too.
http://img244.imageshack.us/img244/8893/cool2jr4.gif


Have a Great Day!

 

[zephyr3d]

eh.. that only applies to left hand drive car... in m'sia.. itz going to be going right instead..

 

[sakuraguy]

hehe .. at 1st, it doesnt look like a bus at all .. :P

 

[melody]

Personal Injury Lawyer in a brain store

A Personal Injury Lawyer went to a store that sells brains.
He wanted to check a personal hypothesis. After reading a sign in the store regarding the quality of brains offered, he decides to inquire the prices of the different brains available.

"How much does a doctor's brain cost?" He asks the butcher.
"Five dollars the kilo."
"How about a waitress's brain?"
"Three bucks the kilo."
"And for a personal Injury lawyer's brain?"
"$1,000 dollars the kilo."
"Why so much?" Asks the confused lawyer.
"Well, you have no idea how many personal injuries we've had to kill to put together one kilo."


How Immigration Lawyers Do it…

Immigration Lawyers do it with taste.
Immigration Lawyers do it with high self-esteem.
Immigration Lawyers do it to get to the trial.
Immigration Lawyers do it for justice's sake.
Immigration Lawyers do it for however long there is money behind the deal.
Immigration Lawyers do it for as long as it's legal.


Satan visited a lawyer.

Satan visited a lawyer. He was interested in making him a special lawyers' offer. "If you're willing to give me one major thing, I can arrange a very special deal for you. I can multiply your income by five or even six. This way, everybody will adore you, look up to you, respect you. You'll be able to take as much vacation as you wish. Nobody will ever call you a lying, cheating lawyer ever again."

"And what do you need in return?" Asked the eager lawyer.

"In return I need your wife's soul, as well as your children's and their children's. Their souls must prevail in hell for ever and ever."

After pausing a moment, the lawyer asked, confused, "What's the catch?"


Criminal Attorney Question

What is a Criminal Attorney? Redundancy.


Tax Attorneys in Accidents

Did you hear about the Tax Attorney who was involved in a terrible accident?

An ambulance stopped suddenly.


Personal injury attorneys to change a light bulb

How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? Three--one to turn the bulb, one to shake the ladder and make sure the first one falls, and the third to sue the light bulb company. The first personal injury attorney will then make sure to sue the ladder company, as well.


Divorce Law

Did you hear they are now selling a new children's doll called "Divorced Barbie"? Yeah, it comes with a Divorce Lawyer and two thirds of Ken's property and alimony.


A defense attorney was driving his amazing new Volvo

A Defense Attorney was driving his amazing, shining new Volvo. He was singing "I adore my Volvo, I adore my Volvo, I adore my Volvo." Not looking at the street, he ran into a tree. Surprisingly, the Defense Attorney survived, but his Volvo was a wreck. He cried, "My Volvo, My Volvo!!"

A man who was just walking by hurried to help him out. He said, "Sir, let me help you, you're bleeding. Oh, your right arm is gone!"

The Defense attorney, hysterical, yelled, "My Golden Rolex, My Golden Rolex!!

 

[melody]

A Criminal Lawyer in a Cocktail Party

A Criminal Lawyer met his Surgery Doctor friend in a cocktail party. A man approached the doctor and consulted him regarding a surgery that didn't go very well the year before.

The impatient doctor answered him quickly. He then asked his criminal lawyer friend, "How do you usually react when people ask you for a consultation during a social event?"

"Well, that's simple," said the criminal lawyer, "I send them the bill in the morning."

On the next day, the Surgery Doctor hurried to his office to prepare the $50 bill for the man who had approached him at the party. On his desk lay a $100 bill from the criminal lawyer.


Immigration Lawyers' Club

A group of crooks decided to break in to a lawyers' club. The old Immigration Lawyers fought for their life and their money. The crooks were happy to leave the place intact and escape the fight.

"We're not that bad off," one of the thieves commented. "We have $35 between the lot of us."

The eldest thief screamed in desperation, "We had $1,000 when we went in the club!"


A Beginning Defense Attorney

A Beginning defense attorney took over his father's practice. One night, he came home happy as ever with some good news for his father.

“Dad, you'll never guess!,” he said, “I’ve settled for once and for all that old Stanley case.”“Settled it!” cried his desperate defense attorney dad. “Why, that was a case I left you as an annuity for life.”


A Defense Lawyer's Choice

On his death bed, a rich old man decided he wanted to take his money with him. He called the three people he had trusted most during his lifetime: his priest, his doctor and his defense lawyer. Here's $3 million. I want each of you to hold on to $1 million and put it in my coffin when I go. I want to take all my money with me."

After the funeral ceremony, each one of the three men put a package in the coffin next to the dead man. As they were saying good bye to each other, the priest, unable to hold the shame and guilt any longer, said, "I must confess, "I put only $800,000 in the coffin. I need to renew the loft in the church".

"I, too, must confess, priest," said the doctor, "I left the man $500,000, since I really need to redecorate my office and get some new equipment."

The defense lawyer was surprised at the two, and said, "The two of you disappoint me." I put the whole $1 million in the coffin, but made myself a personal check for the service for a full $1 million!"


Personal Injury Lawyers are guilty for all of America's problems

In a cocktail party, a group of people were discussing the problems of America and blaming Personal Injury Lawyers for them. One man said, "I don't think they are so bad. I got $2,500 from my Personal Injury Lawyer," he claimed.

"Impossible!" said the crowd.

"Well, that is exactly what happened," said the man. "I suffered a personal injury case. My bill amounted to $120,000 with the lawyer's fee, the witnesses, testimonials and all. When the judge declared that I deserved $122,500, my Personal Injury Lawyer simply game me the difference."

 

[sakuraguy]

Cant's Place Her ..


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from.

"Do you know me?" he asks.

"I think you're the father of one of my kids," she replies.

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery while another shoved a carrot up my ass???"

She looks into his eyes calmly and says "No, I'm your son's math teacher."






LOL .. sometimes it's better to keep your mouth shut!

 

[sakuraguy]

Sexual Harassment

A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very close to her, inhales a big breath of air through his nose and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in HR. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what her co-worker does and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What is sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget."

 

[sakuraguy]

What not to say at the doctor's office ..

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know we all have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

 

[Daniel Lee]

SG, nice posts!

 

[sakuraguy]

Thnx bro .. let me the one make ure days :) ..more coming soon ..

 

[melody]

i liked the one at 'the doctor's office'..
keep 'em coming, SG..:angel_smile:

 

[sakuraguy]

Coming or Cuming Mel ?