Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[sakuraguy]

A woman stopped by at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed!

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

 

[melody]

lidat no dinner 4 him ady..
hahaha..

SG, i'm cuming..:tongue:

 

[sakuraguy]

There are four types of sex in a marriage.

1.The first one is Kitchen Sex. This is when you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen.

2.The second type is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom.

3.The third type of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, ''Screw you.''

4.The fourth kind called Courtroom Sex. This is when you are getting a divorce and you try to screw each other in public.

 

[sakuraguy]

Mel .. not here, cum private ;)

 

[sakuraguy]

Breast Bite

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts
just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."

 

[sakuraguy]

One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.

So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."

So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."

So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis."

 

[sakuraguy]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

 

[melody]

Damn lucky guy..
he got it for free..

 

[sakuraguy]

A blonde is on holiday and she wallks into an internet cafe to send an e-mail to her mum in America.

She doesn't know how to work the computers so she goes up to the guy on the desk and says: "Excuse me could you help me send an e-mail to my mum?"

The guy says "Yeh, but it will cost ya"

And the blonde says "Sure i'll do anything for my mum"

The guy says: "In that case follow me"

So she follows him into the back room and he pushes her down onto her knees, he unzips his trousers and pulls down his boxers and says: "Well go on then you said you'd do anything!"

So she picks up his dick, holds it to her mouth and says: "Hello.........mum are you there?"

 

[sakuraguy]

A company, feeling it was time for a shape-up, hires a new CEO.

The new CEO is determined to rid the company of all unproductive workers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a young chap leaning on a wall and relaxing. The room is full of workers who were busy working, except for this guy.

The CEO decides to let his staff know that he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?” A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $300.00 a week.........Why?” The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash and screams, “Here’s two weeks’ pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”.

Surprised and in fear, the guy immediately leaves. Feeling pretty good about having fired his first worker, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me which department that worker belonged to?”




With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “He was the Pizza Delivery guy from Domino’s.”

 

[sakuraguy]

Men's answer to Women !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle the truth !

 

[melody]

2 TOUGH QUESTIONS

Q1.

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?


Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.


Q2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates. Who would you vote for?

Candidate A.
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B.
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C.
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.


Which of these candidates would be your choice?

Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for the response.














Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Candidate B is Winston Churchill .

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.



And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said YES, you just killed

Beethoven.


Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.

Wait till you see the end of this note! Keep reading..




Never be afraid to try something new.

Remember: Amateurs...built the ark.

Professionals...built the Titanic





And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse

* 7 have been arrested for fraud

* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks

* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

* 3 have done time for assault

* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting

* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...


Can you guess which organization this is?


Give up yet?

















It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.

The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep Americans in line.

 

[melody]

SIGNS...

http://img508.imageshack.us/img508/7968/image001zq8.jpg

http://img510.imageshack.us/img510/4690/image002hl8.jpg

http://img338.imageshack.us/img338/5858/image003xa7.jpg

http://img386.imageshack.us/img386/2839/image004ip0.jpg

http://img386.imageshack.us/img386/1217/image005kb8.jpg

http://img508.imageshack.us/img508/4757/image006ut6.jpg

http://img508.imageshack.us/img508/4348/image007ot9.jpg

http://img518.imageshack.us/img518/4550/image008ve5.jpg

http://img518.imageshack.us/img518/4922/image009uc7.jpg

http://img504.imageshack.us/img504/3513/image010wr1.jpg

http://img521.imageshack.us/img521/1818/image011bq8.jpg

http://img518.imageshack.us/img518/8346/image012mu6.jpg

http://img338.imageshack.us/img338/3967/image013xc0.jpg

 

[Daniel Lee]

http://img518.imageshack.us/img518/8346/image012mu6.jpg

I would like to get a dog which could read.

 

[melody]

MORE SIGNS...

http://img511.imageshack.us/img511/3972/image014hf8.jpg

http://img410.imageshack.us/img410/3894/image015bf7.jpg

http://img341.imageshack.us/img341/3306/image016br6.jpg

http://img508.imageshack.us/img508/357/image017lm5.jpg

http://img410.imageshack.us/img410/9833/image018jz8.jpg

http://img410.imageshack.us/img410/8818/image019mx7.jpg

http://img511.imageshack.us/img511/2556/image020ec5.jpg

http://img341.imageshack.us/img341/9773/image021fd5.jpg

http://img341.imageshack.us/img341/3507/image022tm7.jpg

http://img341.imageshack.us/img341/4260/image023ge4.jpg

http://img341.imageshack.us/img341/489/image024ni8.jpg

http://img385.imageshack.us/img385/7955/image025af9.jpg

http://img508.imageshack.us/img508/4999/image026bi4.jpg

 

[sakuraguy]

The last one is edited using photoshop :)

 

[melody]

umm..
u have sharp eyes..

 

[melody]

HEIGHT OF POVERTY:

Wife stitching husband's condom.

HEIGHT OF INNOCENCE:

A girl applying clearsil 2 her nipples thinking they are pimples.

HEIGHT OF AMBITION:

An ant is climbing on the leg of elephant with a motive of rape.

HEIGHT OF UNEMPLOYMENT:

A spider web found in a prostitute's pussy

HEIGHT OF LAZINESS:

Naked man sleeping on top of a naked woman expecting an earthquake to do the rest!

 

[Lennon]

HEIGHT OF POVERTY:

Wife stitching husband's condom.

HEIGHT OF INNOCENCE:

A girl applying clearsil 2 her nipples thinking they are pimples.

HEIGHT OF AMBITION:

An ant is climbing on the leg of elephant with a motive of rape.

HEIGHT OF UNEMPLOYMENT:

A spider web found in a prostitute's pussy

HEIGHT OF LAZINESS:

Naked man sleeping on top of a naked woman expecting an earthquake to do the rest!

Well describe....... ahhahah

Maybe Ogawa can create a device such sex aiding machine...... whahaha

 

[melody]

IKEA did come out with a furniture that can 'do' wonders..
it's a wonderful unique furniture..
hehe..