Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[Daniel Lee]

The bank authority should do a research before naming their toy mascot.
I wonder what the bank will do after realizing what 'puki' is in M'sia.

 

[melody]

http://img250.imageshack.us/img250/7088/joke2vn8.jpg

 

[melody]

Funny Love Letter

Dearest Ms Juliet,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October. With reference to the meeting held between us on the 27th of July. at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Thanking you in anticipation,

Yours sincerely,
Romeo

 

[sakuraguy]

Nice mel.. keep on shaking the forum !

 

[melody]

Thanx SG..
glad u enjoy 'em..

 

[melody]

Exchanging notes!

A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer.

Then he sees someone he knows, and decides
to go and say hi to them,
but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him.

So he sets it on a table, along with a note
"I spit in this beer"
hoping that none will steal it then.

Upon return, he sees another note saying "Me too!"

 

[melody]

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an
examination given by the head doctor.

If the patients pass the exam, they will be free
to leave the hospital.

However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for
seven years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving
board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the
first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks
both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

"Congratulations! You're a free man.
Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered,
"Well Doc, I can't swim!"

 

[melody]

Taxi Driver

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask
him a question.

The driver screamed , lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus,
went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop
window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab,
then the driver said,
"Look mate, don't ever do that again.
You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little
tap would scare you so much. "

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver.
I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

 

[melody]

Hi, here r some jokes to brighten yr hols weekend.
Remember laughter is the BEST Medicines!.


A judge asked a woman on why she wanted a divorce. She
answered, "Your Honor, he knew I'm a vegetarian n yet he
still insists on putting his meat in my mouth."


Woman: Dr. An ant entered my vagina, please take it out.
Doctor removes her panties and start making love .
Woman: What are you doing?
Doctor: This is the only way to drown the bastard!


Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
Ans: YOUR SALARY. It comes once a month last 3
days & if it doesn't come you are in deep trouble!


A lady visited her doctor again, Dr. said: U look more sick &
exhausted than b 4.
Are u having 3 meals a day as I advised?
Lady: WHAT? I thought u said 3 MALES a day!!!!


Women asked God to make The Penis Pretty. GOD Said" No way;
Now As It Is, The Penis is so ugly & U still Suck It. If I make it
Pretty You'll Eat It up!!


A nun went 4 a urine test. The sample got mixed up. When the
doctor told her she waz pregnant, she cried n said," Shit,we can't
even trust cucumber anymore.!


A boy pulls down his pants in front of a girl & asked" Do U have this?"
The girl lifted up her skirt & said," My mom said with this I can have a
lot of THAT!"


Schoolgirl: I do not want to take the SEX EDUCATION. Class
Teacher: Why not? Schoolgirl: Someone told me the FINAL EXAM
would be ORAL!"


Mother asks daughter, how is married life? Daughter shyly says like
BRITISH AIRWAYS. Mother reads the ad & is shocked
"7 DAYS A WEEK, TWICE A DAY, BOTH WAYS!


What is the STRONGEST muscle? TONGUE- It can raise a woman's
hip with just one lick!. The lightest muscle? PENIS! It can be raised
by a woman's tongue!


Lady Immigration officer asked a Korean tourist: Name? Park Yu.
The 0fficer become angry & shouted back: FUCK YOU! Now what's
your full name? Korean replied: PARK YU TOO!!


Man to wife: Business is bad if u learn 2 cook we can remove
servant.
Wife: ASSHOLE! If u learn how to fuck we can remove driver,
gardener & watchman..


COCK say to his two BALLS: I am going to take you with me to a
party. BALLS said: You big fucking liar. You always get INSIDE and
leave us waiting OUTSIDE!


A baby dog asked mama dog how papa look like? Mama dog reply:
How I know. Your papa came from behind & I didn't have chance
to see his face"


What's the difference between stress, tension & panic? Stress is when
wife is pregnant, tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, PANIC is when
both are pregnant!

 

[melody]

Breaking News...
the above is dedicated 2 a dearie good fren..
Roy, it's all yours..
enjoy..
~~a Merdeka Gift 4 my nottie~~
haPPy Merdeka!!

 

[melody]

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[melody]

Sign language of a monkey!!

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and
passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little
monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I am saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by
his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?" The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?"
The monkey motioned "kissing."
"They were kissiing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"Now wait, you are saying your owners were drinking, smoking and
kissing before they wrecked."
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

 

[melody]

1) Teacher tells a student a=b, b=c implies a=c. Tell me an example.
Student : I love u - u love your daughter - so I love your daughter.


2) Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" o"shoot himself".


3) What is a girl friend?
Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of enemies
& division of friends.


4) A married man was asked to perform his SWOT (Strength, Weakness,
Opportunity, Threat) Analysis.
He said, my strength is my wife.
My weakness is my neighbours wife.
Opportunity comes when neighbour goes out.
Threat comes when I myself go out


5)Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest
waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20
supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.

Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara
Falls?"

 

[melody]

1. Chinaman saw accident.
He call police but dunno English,
He said 1 car come, 1 car go,
1 car bo brake, 1 car bo stop
2 car ping, ping, piang, piang.
Please call e or e or. Thank you.

2. America has cowboy and cowgirl,
England has madcow,
Hong Kong has Macau,
Russia has Moscow,
S'pore has 2 famous cows-
'Cow-peh and cow-bo'

3. When ur life is in darkness......
Pray 2 God and ask Him 2 free u from darkness..... and
If ur still in darkness...Pls rem.2 pay ur TNB bill.

4. Girlfriends r like appetizers,
They taste better at any time.
Mistresses r like BBQ, Hot and Spicy
Can be eaten everyday,
Wives r like tins of sardines,
Only 2 be opened when there is nothing else 2 be eaten.

5. Before marriage, she expects a man;
After marriage she suspects him and
After death she respects him.

6. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
You can be sure of one thing;
Either the car is new or the wife.

 

[melody]

Starbucks Coffee??...

http://img46.imageshack.us/img46/1155/starbuckskp2.jpg

 

[melody]

A Clever Lady!!

A woman and a man are involved in
a car accident. It's a bad one. Both of
their cars are totally demolished but
amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man,
that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's
nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from
God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace
for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely.
This must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another
miracle... My car is completely demolished but this bottle
of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this
wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head
in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then
hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle,
immediately puts the cap back on,
and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies,
"No, I think I'll just wait for the police..."

 

[melody]

6 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was
very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with
her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother,
she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat
our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher, she's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position
the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun
made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

 

[melody]

MY FIRST TIME....​

​

http://img530.imageshack.us/img530/7294/f1yk2.png

It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...



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http://img442.imageshack.us/img442/2026/f3kr1.png

http://img442.imageshack.us/img442/6366/f4tn7.png​

 

[sakuraguy]

hehehe .. mel mel ... luckily i scroll down at first level :P

 

[melody]

1. MOM...CAN YOU BUY ME A BRA?

"Mum, can I ask you something?"
"Sure! What about?"
"You see, I'm already fourteen and... I think it's just proper that I should own one."
"And what is this 'one' you're referring to?"
"Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?"
"No."
"But my nipples are already prominent and it catches attention."
"Nope."
"It will be just proper at my age..."
"I said no way...!"
"But all of my friends wear......!"
"David! How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls!?"


2. WHO SHOT THE BEAR?

An 80 year old man is having his annual check-up at his doctor's office.
He says to the doctor, "I've never felt better in my whole life. In fact,
I have a 20 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child. What do
you think of that?"

The doctor thinks for a second and then says, "Let me tell you a story.
I know this guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season.
But one day he's in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs
his umbrella instead of his rifle. So he's in the woods and suddenly a giant
grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at
the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him.
What do you think of that?"

The old man says, "That's impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear!"

"EXACTLY" says the doctor.


3. WHAT'S IN A NAME?

A Red Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say, Mom," he asked, "why is my big brother named Mighty Storm'?"
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." she replied.
"Why is my sister named 'Corn Flower'?"
"Well," his mother answered, "Your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called 'Moon Child'?"
"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived," the mother replied.
The mother then asked the boy, "Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?"
?


4. BIOLOGY LESSON

At a Biology class, the teacher asked the class:
"Why is that during childhood, gals tend to grow taller than guys?"
A student replied: "That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."
Teacher: "Then why is that at maturity, guys tend to grow taller than gals?"
Student: "That's because gals have breasts and they are heavier than the guy's balls."
?

?

?

?