Jokes Archieve - Text Based

The Four Cats!

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were .

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third
man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

"T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen
and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed
that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He
divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies ............Everyone agreed
that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said
"Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a
drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can
your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said.....

"Coffee Break.....do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet...........


ate the cookies...............


drank the milk..............


sh*t on the paper....................


screwed the other three cats.....................


claimed he injured his back while doing so..................


filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.........


put in for Workers Compensation...............and


went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............!!!!!!!!!!
 
A man marries a deaf girl. He mimes: "Let's make a code: if I want sex,
I will squeeze your breast. In response, you can pull my penis
once for Yes, and 50 times for No"

-------------------------

John asks his grandpa: "Do you still have sex with Granny?"
Grandpa says: "Yes, but only Oral".
John says: "what is oral?"
Grandpa: "I say Fuck you, and she says: Fuck you too"

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The 3 tragedies in a man's life:
1- life sucks
2- job sucks
3- Wife does NOT suck!

--------------------------

A man is dying of cancer. His son: "Dad why you keep telling
people you're dying of AIDS??".
Answer: "So that when I die, no one will dare to fuck your mother."

--------------------------

"I am your Doctor. sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem.
Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right. The left part has nothing right
in it, and the right has nothing left in it"

--------------------------

YESTERDAY NEWS: A nun jogging in the park was raped.
TODAY'S NEWS: Hundreds of nuns are jogging in the park!

--------------------------

Question: "Why is a waist called a waist?"
Answer: "Because, anything above the pussy and below the tits
is a waste"

------------------------

A lady tells her Man: "I demand good manners in bed, just like at the
dinner table".
The man climbs into bed slowly and says: "Honey,would you
please pass me the vagina?"

------------------------

Question: "What's the similarity between a good-looking, faithful, rich
husband who satisfies his wife sexually every night and Bin
Laden?" "BOTH CANNOT BE FOUND"

-----------------------------

Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage as they finally
realized with wisdom that for 60 grams of sausage, it is not worth buying
the whole pig.
 
It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists,
Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked
simple questions:

MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"
Miss USA: Lamp
Miss Malaysia: Light Bulb
Miss Singapore: LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"

MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name me an animal
starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lion
Miss Malaysia: Leopard
Miss Singapore: LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no!

MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that starts with "L"
Miss USA: Lexus
Miss Malaysia: Lamborghini
Miss Singapore: Lolls-Loyce
Judge: Oh my God!
MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a fruit starting
with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lemon
Miss Malaysia: Lychee
Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN!!

This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of
judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really be disqualified;
and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having so many problems
with the letter "L", they decided to give her another chance.

Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human anatomy starting with
the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU
The Judges fainted..!!!
 
WHAT THE ANGRY FORK TOLD
THE CUTLERY SHOP OWNER​







http://img503.imageshack.us/img503/7243/arrowtg7.png







http://img503.imageshack.us/img503/7243/arrowtg7.png







http://img503.imageshack.us/img503/7243/arrowtg7.png







http://img503.imageshack.us/img503/7243/arrowtg7.png





http://img339.imageshack.us/img339/8836/forksx0.png​
 
SICK LEAVE.........

Ah Beng calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomachache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know Beng, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Ah Beng calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house!
 
A wife mentioned to her husband that for her birthday, she would like something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in four seconds.
She was expecting something like this............​

http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/2278/j1fc1.png​

But her husband presented her with something very different...​



















http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/2031/j2bu3.png​


The husband is in a critical but stable condition in ICU​
 
That present can do 0-100 in 1sec... She should be happy.....gua gua gua.....
 
How to Save Papayas Falling from a tree...!!!




http://img223.imageshack.us/img223/880/fancyarrowyk8.png​


Think.....


http://img223.imageshack.us/img223/4610/fancyarrowur8.png​



Think.................​


http://img223.imageshack.us/img223/880/fancyarrowyk8.png


Think.....​



http://img223.imageshack.us/img223/880/fancyarrowyk8.png​


Come on keep thinking .................


http://img223.imageshack.us/img223/880/fancyarrowyk8.png​


You think too hard........​






http://img223.imageshack.us/img223/7424/papayabrauh5.png​
Ohhh my god.........​
 
Mobile Accidents!!

http://img509.imageshack.us/img509/2561/ma1ap0.jpg

http://img509.imageshack.us/img509/4236/ma2md6.jpg

http://img105.imageshack.us/img105/3496/ma3rk1.jpg

http://img230.imageshack.us/img230/676/ma4eg6.jpg

http://img509.imageshack.us/img509/2205/ma5oh4.jpg
 
Last week I had a chat with your mom.
She showed your Childhood photo !!!
I took a copy for my album.
Hmmmm..... Oh no. You are So So So cuuuuuuuuuuuute
And......... ..... I wish I was there then to hold you. ......
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http://img230.imageshack.us/img230/9615/cutexv6.png​
 

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