Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[sakuraguy]

generator the one below generates electricity, two up there generates heat .. BS dont come in here, u have Milkiophobia :P

 

[melody]

haha..
yah, BS better dun invade here..

 

[melody]

In a biology class, the Prof. was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?"

"That's correct", responded the Prof., going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?". After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class.... and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Prof.'s reply was classic...

Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

 

[Daniel Lee]

The girl should use a bowl and spoon to slowly taste it like drinking soup.

 

[melody]

Why corruption in Malaysia will never be eradicated ?

Because when officials met, they reminded one another:

- Official A said, 'Wa Salah Lu Mai Kong' (Assalamualaikum)
- Official B replied, 'Wa Mai Kong Lu Salah' (Wualaikumsalam)

So, happy ending!

 

[sh@rty 5]

NIce wan......

 

[7Heaven]

hahaha funny funny!!! nice!!!!

 

[melody]

Funny HR Memo...


To all Employees:



Effective July 2007



Dress Code
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we
assume
you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay
raise.
2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,
so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a pay raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Holiday Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year - Saturday &
Sunday.

Compassionate Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be
made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the
funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be
glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently
leave 1 hour early.

Toilet Use
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now
a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper
roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be
taken.
3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the
company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under
the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat
more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced
meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the
time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
directed elsewhere.

Management

 

[melody]

One day Santa's Girlfriend asks him,
Darling, on our Engagement will you give me a RING?
Santa:Ya sure,
Give me ur Telephone No.

When I was born Devil said...
Oh Shit!!! Another GOD!!!.
& When u were born devil said ...
Oh Shit!!!!Competition ...!!! ....

Do U know the fullf orm of COLLEGE-
C-Come,O-On, L-Lets, L-Love, E-Each,G-Girl, E-Equally. .....
Thats why boys go to college regularly... .

Who said english is easy???
Fill in the blank with YES or No...
1.-----I dont have brain...
2.-----I dont have sense...
3.-----I am stupid....

If ur world is spining Round & Round..& Round....
Ur heart is beating fast ,
do u think its LOVE? na Munna na
its called high B/P...

Merry Christmas, Enjoy New Year, Happy Easter,
Good luck on Valentines, Spooky Halloween & Happy Birthday
Now bug off and don't annoy me for the next 12 months!!!!

What happend 2 ur mobile?
i was trying 2 call u but i got this msg:
welcome 2 D jungle network,
D monkey u r tring 2 call is on tree plz try later.

First the engagement ring,
then the wedding ring,
then the suffering

Last night I lay in my bed
looking at the beautiful stars, the moon and the sky...
then i thought where the fuck is my roof

I'm a killer, i kill people for money,
but you are my friend I KILL YOU FOR FREE !!

Its been a rough day.
I got up this morning,
put on a shirt N a button fell off.
I picked up my briefcase N the handle came off.
I'm afraid 2 go 2 the bathroom

Jesus says to John come forth
i'll give you eternal life.
John came fifth he won a toaster

At dis moment in time 10 million people r having sex.
5 million people r drinking coffee.
100 million people r sleeping & 1 stupid fool is reading my text!
pass on

The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass & flowers 2.
If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn't it rain on you?

An independant study has proven dat those who have a bad sex life
& who are crap in bed are readin dis message in their right hand!

Girls are like phones.
we like to be held and talked too-
but if u press the wrong button u'll be disconnected!

God made man and then rested.
God made women and then no one rested

MEN-opause MEN-strual
MEN-opause MEN-strual pain MEN-tal illness GUY-necologist
HIS-terectomy
EVER NOTICED HOW WOMENS PROBLEMS START WITH MEN??

A couple wanted katna(Circumcision) of their son,
but they dont know proper word to print,
so they printed the wording :
THE CUTTING CEREMONY OF FUCKING INSTRUMENTS

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding day?.?.?.?.. ..
It is just a formality, like two boxers shaking hands b4 the fight begins!

Girl friends are like mobile phone,
whenever you want happiness just check inbox,
whenever u want to cry check out box,
and whenever u want to enjoyment just plug in your charger and enjoy.

1980 GIRL
Mama can I wear jeans.

2006 GIRL
Mama can I wear mini skirts

Why the groom is made to sit on the horse on marriage ceremony?
He is given his last chance to run away.

 

[imoloq]

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You’re going to be OK, you’ll walk again, and everything, but something happened. I’m trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.”

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got £9000 insurance compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s a thousand pounds an inch.”

The bloke perks up at this. “So the thing is”, the doctor says, “it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five inches this time she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.”

The bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

“So”, says the doctor, “Have you spoken with your wife?”

“I have.” says the fellow.
“And has she helped you in making the decision?”

“She has” says the bloke.
“And what is it?” asks the doctor …

“We’re going to renovate the kitchen.”

 

[melody]

Strict advise

An obese blonde with unhealthy overweight, went to Doctor.

Her doctor put her on a diet with strict advise.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days
and then skip a day. I want you to repeat this procedure
for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at
least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing
nearly 20 pounds. "Wow, this is amazing!" the doctor said,
"So you did follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded yes. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was
going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" The Doctor asked.

"No, from skipping", The Blonde explained .

 

[melody]

Mr. Samy-vellu went for the United Nations' meeting. He represented
the Malaysian Prime Minister.

All nations were discussing about space exploration by the year 2008.


Here are some of the conversations:


China Delegate : "By the year 2008, China will start their moon
exploration project."


Russian Delegate : "We too, we are going to explore the moon.
This time we will see to it that our cosmonauts will step on the moon."

George Bush & Clinton : "We the United States will also explore the
moon for the second time."


Malaysian Delegate: "By the year 2008, Malaysia will explore the sun."


There was a long silence. Bush stood up and asked the Malaysian
delegate: "Isn't it too hot to explore the sun?"


Samy Vellu (after a long silence): "We will do it in the evening."

 

[melody]

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down,
then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost
as quickly as they were served.

Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

 

[melody]

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.

Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note .

Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's
still on my desk...
sorry
....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the
screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not
Bill Gates damnit!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try
it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and
placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he
can't find it...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer?

Customer: No.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --


Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the
supermarket.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Helpdesk: And now hit F8.

Customer: It's not working.

Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?

Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's
happening...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: OK

Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

A customer couldn't get on the internet.

Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --


Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver
on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?

Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can
you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?

Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?

Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more
than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping
me?

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Helpdesk: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle
around it?

 

[melody]

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to
give me 12-year scotch, and don`t try to fool me because I can tell
the difference."

The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with
5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender,
this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes
a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don`t want 8-year scotch
like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"

Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes
a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that`s the real thing."

A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with
great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of
the man and says, "Hey, I think that's really far out what you can
do. Try this one."

The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries,
"Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"

The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"

 

[melody]

Out with the boys...

This guy walks up to his buddy who invited him out for a
Few beershttp://img502.imageshack.us/img502/2803/beergl133xh4.gif after work. The man said that his wife would
Never go for it, and that she does not allow him to go
Drinking with the guys after work.

The buddy suggested a way to overcome that problem:
"When you get home tonight, http://img248.imageshack.us/img248/10/beer1dw7.gif sneak into the house,
Slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties,
And give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me,
She'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself.

Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under
The sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex.
She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while,
He realized he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back,
Got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see
His wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

"Shhh!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"
http://img248.imageshack.us/img248/6025/doofy155gs3.gif http://img504.imageshack.us/img504/6406/smilin166ky6.gif

 

[sakuraguy]

Hahahaha .. I like the Tech support jokes :)

 

[Daniel Lee]

I like the story of out with the boys...

 

[melody]

http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/5418/pukime8.jpg

 

[sakuraguy]

yah .. everyday bring one home .. better hahahahaha..