JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Seven Wise Men

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.

First was a carpenter, strong and bold,
using a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.

Second was a butcher, endowed with wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit.
Then came a tailor, tall and thin,
with a piece of red velvet, he lined it within.

Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
using a piece of fur, he lined it without.
Then came a fisherman, nasty as Hell,
he threw in a fish and gave it a smell.

Next was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Finally, a sailor, the dirty little runt,
he fucked it and sucked it and called it a cunt.

_____________________________________________

Little Johnny !!

"My Dad and I went on a deer hunting trip. We saw a huge 18 point buck
in the field, my Dad aimed and shot it right in the asshole," Little
Johnny said. The teacher was mad, "Johnny you mean rectum," she
said."Rectum, you bet it rectum, shot his balls clean off."


_____________________________________________

Too big

Prostitute: doc, my hole is too big.
Doctor looks into the hole & says GOD...GOD...GOD...
Prostitute: Why are you repeating the word God?
Doctor: It was an ECHO!

_____________________________________________

Q:) What did one testicle say to the other?
A:) Don't mind the asshole behind us! It's the PRICK ahead we're working for!

Q: How can you tell if two lesbians are twins?
A: They lick alike.

Q: What's a tiger?
A: A five-hundred-pound pussy that eats you.

Q: When do you know you're really lonely?
A: Your own tongue starts to feel good in your mouth.
____

There was a young lady named Flo.
Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
So they tried it all night
'Till he got it just right.
Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.

 

[melody]

On Second Thought....

A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar. He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples."
She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your ass."
He laughs and says, "Alright, why don't I just give you a big sloppy kiss then."
She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man kill you."
"This is my final offer", he says, "I'll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your pussy, and drink from your cunt."
She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to lick her tits.
He yells, "I'll kill him!"
She then tells him he was going to kiss her. By now he's pissed and starts walking in his direction.
She says, "Wait! He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my twat, and drink from me!"
Her boy friend stops and say's "Sorry babe, I can't fuck with anyone who can drink that much beer."

********

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

********

Top Ten Things Women Would Do If They Woke Up And Had A Penis For A Day...

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9......

 

[melody]

More Signs You Might Be Gay

*^* There's a dick up your ass.
*^* You own moisturizer that has to be bought at a cosmetics counter.
*^* You're best friends with the girl you took to your high school prom.
*^* You think Pamela Anderson dresses nice.
*^* You dress like Liberace on casual Fridays.
*^* Your idea of "getting lucky" on the weekend is finding Ralph Lauren
sheets on sale.
*^* You start to cry when your boss says you can't have the day off for
your birthday.
*^* That's NOT a milk mustache you're sporting.
*^* You don't know the score of the game last night, but you do remember
that the players had some of the roundest butts you've ever seen.
*^* You aren't insulted when called a 'cheap slut'
*^* When someone asks you if you're a pitcher or a catcher, your first
thought isn't about baseball.
*^* When you see a handsome police officer following you on the highway,
you speed up instead of slowing down.
*^* You've wondered if batman and Robin share a bedroom.
*^* You noticed that Ricky Martin shaved his chest for his last video.
*^* You're the one everyone turns to when they need someone to plan a
surprise party.
*^* You can recite the next line of the following song: "The minute you
walked in the joint, I could see you were a man of distinction."
*^* When viewing straight porn videos you watch the women give head and
think, They're not doing that right.

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*


Frank and Stan, two lifelong gays sat down, no clothes on, watching a gay porn video.
Frank gets up, gets dressed and says "I'm just going to the shop for some beer, whilst I'm gone I don't want you wanking, save yourself for later".
"Ok" said Stan.
When Frank returned he couldn't believe his eyes, the was cum all over the walls, curtains and carpet.
"I thought I told you no wanking" said Frank.
"I didn't have a wank" replied Stan, "I just farted"

 

[melody]

Arse Jokes

An elderly couple (who lived in an old folks home) had had feelings for one another for quite some time.

Then one day they had a chance to meet up, as the old folks were going out on a day trip.

The two complained of some sort of illness and the caretakers told them to stay put.

When the coach with the elders had pulled away, the couple made sure the coast was clear before slipping into the mans bedroom.

As soon as they'd taken their clothes off and got into bed the man asked the women did she like anything he should do to her?

"I love to be licked down below!" came the reply.

So the man ventured downwards.

After five minutes the man came back up.

"Anything wrong?" asked the women.

"Well yes there's a horrible smell and it tastes quite bad down there" said the man.

"Oh" said the women. "That must be my arthritis"

"In your Vagina?" enquired the man.

"No"answered the women. "The arthritis in my shoulder! I can't wipe my arse!!!"

~~~~~~~~

Two old ladies were chatting one day and their subject
finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she
enjoyed sex now just as much as ever. The second old lady
was surprised and asked her what her secret was.

The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling
the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower,
jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When
her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and
has his way with her.

The second old lady decides to try this approach. So that
night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a
quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her
head.

Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says,
"For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in,
you're starting to look like an asshole!"

~~~~~~~~

During a routine physical, a doctor tells his patient to drop his pants.

After the examination, the doctor says to the man, "You have the filthiest balls I've ever seen!"

The guy goes home to his wife and says, "I want to talk to you about something."

She replies, "Not now, I've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to wipe my ass!"

He says, "That's what I want to talk to you about."

 

[melody]

Signs You Had A Bad First Date

* Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother
* You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her
* She has a thicker moustache than you
* When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions
* You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole
* Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system
* You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your ass
* You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic
* She beats the crap out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut
* You wake up the next morning with a wickedhang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno
* At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill
* You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh
* She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan
* She is better hung than you
* She constantly complains that her cat won't stop laughing at her
* She informs you that you can't go out again because her spirit guide doesn't like you
* She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you

yyyyyyyyy

A Jewish girl came home one day and says, "Ma, I got married." Her mother says, "That's great!"
The girl says, "But Ma, he's an Arab." Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great."
The girl says, "But Ma, he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."
Six months later, the Jewish girl walks into the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is screw me in my ass. Day and night, all he'll do is bang me in the ass. When I got married, my asshole was like a dime. Now it's like a silver dollar."
Her mother says, "So for ninety cents, you're going to make trouble?"

 

[melody]

Ladies Night Club

Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a
$10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the
$10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.
She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks
it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out
a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I'm worried
about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of
his butt cheeks, again.

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy
gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the
guy's egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I
reached for my wallet. What could I do?

Then the woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed
the 80 bucks, and went home.

~~~~~~~~

"Mom, can I ask you something?"
"Sure! What about?" replied mother.
"Well, I'm already fourteen and.. I think it's just proper that I
should own one."
"Own 'one' what?" mother asked suspiciously.
"Could you buy me a push up bra?"
"No."
"But my nipples are already prominent and it catches attention."
"Nope."
"I think it would be just proper at my age..."
"I said no way...!"
"But all of my friends wear.......!"
Morris! How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls!?"

~~~~~~~~

Q: Why did god give women nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men.
Q: Why do gay men have mustaches?
A: To hide the stretch marks.
Q: What do you call a guy with a one inch dick?
A: Justin.
Q: What's the difference between a boxer and a woman?
A: A boxer stands up to get knocked down and a woman lies
down to get knocked up.

 

[melody]

A little old man went into a drug store to buy Viagra. He says, "Can I
have six tablets, and can you cut them into quarters for me?"

"I can cut them into quarters, sir," says the pharmacist, "but a quarter
won't give you a full erection."

"I don't mind," says the old man. "I'm 96 and don't have any use for an
erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my
slippers."

~~~~~~~

"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynecologist
trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient.

"Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"

~~~~~~~~

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies TONY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

~~~~~~~~

The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause are:

Itchy
Bitchy
Sweaty,
Sleepy,
Bloated,
Forgetful,
Psycho

~~~~~~~~

"Mom, I'm pregnant," announced a teen.
"How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?" asked her mom.
"That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and
went with the biggest."

~~~~~~~~

Nine Answers Men Would Like to Give to Women's Stupid Questions.
...But Never Will

1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.

2. The dress doesn't make you look fat; it's all that fucking ice
cream
and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

3. You've got no chance of my calling you.

4. No, I won't be gentle.

5. Of course, you have to swallow.

6. Well, yes, actually, I do this all the time.

7. I hate your friends.

8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking
to
you after tonight.

9. I'd rather watch a porno.

 

[melody]

Please Hire Me

Do you know of anyone hiring? Rosalie is in search of a job, can ya help a
sista out or give her suggestions on her resume.
PLEAS

Thanks
_____________________________________________________

Resume of: Rosalie Anastasia Shanekia "Pookie" Eucalyptus Jones

ADDRESS: 2036 South Side Skreet, Compton, CA 11122

PHONE: Cut off right now but will be back on by the 15th

OBJECTIVE: To one day fulfill my dream of being a Soul Train dancer and you
know just gitting my life togetha and stuff.

I also hope to one day be the best cosmotologecalist you know what I mean
(Beauty Speciacalist) there is in my hood.

SKILLS: I do hurh (hair) and nails in my kitchen and I use my glitter and
weave bonding glue for arts and crafts and stuff. I do braids in any texture
or color: synthetic or real human hurh. Black, blonde, brown, dark brown,
dark black, gold blonde, dark gold blonde, red, maroon, blue and rainbo
colors.

EDUCATION:

***THE "GET YOURS" HOME CORRESPONDENCE COURSE, INC. BIG MAMA'S
***HOUSE OF HAIR N' NAILS N' FRIED CHICKEN N' STUFF (graduated with honors
for the most extensions done in a year's time).

WORK EXPERIENCE:

Big Daddy's Motel Motor Lodge Bar & Grill Pool Hall & Bait N' Tackle Shop
(January 10, 1998 - January 30, 1998) Reason for leaving: Big Daddy kept
hitting on me.

My Baby's Daddy Day Care Center Car Wash & Shoe Repair (Nov. 2,
1998 - Nov. 10, 1998) Reason for Leaving: They tried to work a sistuh to
death and I got thangs ta do!

The Golden Tooth Dental & Jewelry Emporium (Mar. 1, 1998 - Nov. 1,
1998) I loveded this job cause they gaveded me a free tooth every month and
now I can spell my baby daddy name but they done up and fired me cause I let
one of my homeboys sniff that laughing gas. He just smelt it; he don't do
drugs no mo.

Kim Fung Toi's House of Rice & Skrimp & Stuff (you don't even wanna know).

Jimmy's Jheri Curls & Motor Lube (Nov. 6, 1998 - Nov. 7,
1998) Reason for Leaving: (Hospitalized for spine injury when I slipped on
an overflow over activator).

The Ike Turner Hoe Slap Recovery Center (They have lovely accommodations;
yes, I worked there and was a patient too) Reason for Leaving: Center
closed down cause Tina Turner done refused Ike's request to give us a benefit
concert and donate the money to Ike. Ike say Tina done got beside hurself
since she a big star.
He say he remember when she was Anna Mae Bullock from Nut Bush, Tennessee.

References: Lawanda Jenkins (from up the skreet)
Hezakiah Clevestus "the playa" Jones (my mama's sister's brother-in-law
half-brother)

The Right Reverend Aliza Benjamin Ineedadrank O'Grady (Pastor of The Greater
Mt. Carmel Church of God in Christ Kingdom Hall of Our Lady of Saints Holy
Rosary Latter Day Seventh Advent Saints Episcapaleen Sanctified
Non-Denominational Baptist Church, Inc. (a not-for-profit agency).

Note: All time periods unaccounted for above when I wasn't working are "none
of yo' business but I was not on no welfare cause I done always worked at
something nother."

Resume by The Professional Resume People, Inc. of South Central

 

[melody]

Cute Little Inspirational Poem
It's sure to bring a tear of joy to every Redneck and Tasmanian who reads it. :)

Daddy slid in bed with me.
And slid his "thing" in my pee-pee.
Now the result is plain to see,
as my tummy's big as it can be.

It really feels neat to me
when Daddy slides his thing in me
I begged him show me how to suck
his big prick, and how to fuck.

Now Daddy fucks me every night.
Together we make up quite a sight.
I won't let Daddy pull it out,
'cause that's what sex is all about.

I've been helping out my mother,
have my sis or little brother
in my tummy, so I can be
Mom to Sis, just like MY mommy.

Mom was once a girl like me,
being fucked by HER daddy.
Then she had her little sis,
Once Daddy gave her that kind of kiss.

I've been helping Mom since eight,
and now my period's REALLY late.
Six months or more, to be sure.
That's 'cause I'm Daddy's little whore.

Daddy likes to cum in me.
and squirt his sperm in my pee-pee.
Those little wrigglers twist and squirm
up in my womb, just like a worm.

Daddy's sperm have joined with my
egg inside me, so that I
can feel his baby in my tummy.
Is there ANYTHING so yummy?

So while I'm pregnant with Daddy's kid,
we'll keep on doing just what we did,
to get my tummy in this way,
we suck and fuck the day away.

Mom says there's nothing like the fun
of having a brother as your son,
unless it all the fun you'd miss
of having your own little sis.

 

[melody]

Things Overheard At The STD Clinic

The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a
public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for Sexually
Transmitted Diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two
decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.

"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD.

When I ejaculate
I have flashbacks."

"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."

"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and
my face stunk and my dick hurt."

"My last period looked like meat."

"My balls feel soft and mushy."

"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell
you they got something unless they mad at you."

"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"

"I got the dripper."

"I have food chunks in my urine."

"Had sex with my daughter's fiancé and then douched with Lysol--feelin'
a little raw down there."

"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."

"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."

"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old
homosexual man."

"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis
over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the
sores,
they smell like vagina juice."

"Can't you put the swab in further?"

"I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma and my
other new baby's momma has disease."

"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat
before it's cooked."

"My cervix hurts when I jiggle."

"The seam in my circumcision split open."

"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust
either of them."

"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my
armpits."

"From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline
out of me."

"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my
brain and had sex with me."

"I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a
'chlamydiahoris.'"

"My pee smells like ham."

 

[melody]

Simple Rules Women Don't Know

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's down, put it up.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Don't make us guess.
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like
every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than cats. Period.
11. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to
like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and
your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark
anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Share the bathroom.
20. Share the closet.
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
26. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
27. It is neither your interest nor ours to take any quiz together.
28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
29. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.
30. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
33. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done, not both.
34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
35. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

 

[melody]

Snappy Comeback Lines

"Did you take a bath?"
"Why, Is there one missing?"

"Are you chewing gum?"
"No, I'm John Smith."

"I want to buy a dress to put on around the house."
"Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"

"What are you going to be when you graduate?"
"An old man"

"I spent three years in college taking medicine."
"Are you well now?"

Do you say a prayer before you eat?"
"No, we don't have to. My mother is a good cook."

"I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for
dinner."
"Who wants to eat friends?"

"We are having mother for dinner, darling."
"Make sure she's well done."

"I want some rat poison."
"Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"

"It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear
and out the other."
"Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."

"May I hold your hand?"
"No, thanks, It isn't heavy."

"Does water always come through the roof in this place?"
"No, sir, only when it rains."

"When will you straighten out the house, dear?"
"Why? Is it tilted?"

"Do these stairs take you to the second floor?"
"No, you'll have to walk"

"Now that you're married, you should have some insurance"
But why? My wife isn't dangerous."

"I have changed my mind."
Thank heaven! Does it work better now?"

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Q. What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?
A. You can eat your mom's apple pie.

Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
A. Place to hang their air freshener.

Q. What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
A. One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running cunt

Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A. Yell at her.

Q. What is a zebra?
A. 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

Q. What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
A. Good morning Girls

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out!

 

[melody]

X-Rated Bumper Stickers

* Constipated people don't give a sh*t.

* Practice safe sex, go fu*k yourself.

* If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

* Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

* If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

* Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

* If that phone was up your a$$, maybe you could drive a little better.

* My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

* Thank you for pot smoking.

* To all you virgins thanks for nothing. If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.

* Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

* If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

* Horn broken...watch for finger.

* It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

* If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my a$$.

 

[melody]

The Proverbs of Life

* A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand

* A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life

* A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House

* A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen... And This Kitchen Is Delirious

* Help keep the kitchen clean - Eat OUT

* Housework Done Properly Can Kill You

* If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast and cheap.

* My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

* No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes

* Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator

 

[melody]

"Just Married"

A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk
clerk notices the "Just Married" sign still on the car. As soon as the
man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.

He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern
and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the
man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with
the man and mentions his behavior:

"I know it's none of my business,... but I was wondering why you
weren't in the room having sex with your new wife."

"Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea."

"Well, what about anal sex?"

"Couldn't do that; she has diarrhea."

"There is always oral sex."

"Nope, she has pyorhea."

"Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorhea, why did
you marry her?"

"That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!"

~~~~~~~~

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an
unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me."

"One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am, and then my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my
clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, on a meal of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought, "I don't fu#ken think so!"

 

[melody]

Jokes for April, 2009

July 1
Oh, kids are wild today. They get pregnant from eating chicken. Yeah, it's finger-lickin' good and one thing leads to another!

July 2
My life, I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. And I was jealous of the dog - so they got rid of me!

July 3
I don't get no respect. One night I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand - my wife lit it!

July 4
I made love to an inflatable girl - now I got an inflatable guy lookin' for me!

July 5
Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

July 6
Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. I was so poor, in my neighborhood - the rainbow was in black and white!

July 7
I tell you, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters - my wife and her mother.

July 8
I was crossing the street, I got hit by a bookmobile. I was laying there in pain moaning, the guy went shhhhhhhhhhhh....

July 9
In my neighborhood, they got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

July 10
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother!

July 11
I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the circus; we went to see the freaks. The owner looked at me, he said, "Get the kid out. He's distracting from the show!"

July 12
What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food!

July 13
Oh, when I was kid, I got no respect. I was kidnapped; they sent back a piece of my finger. My old man said he wanted more proof.

July 14
Oh, I knew one guy, he never went off his diet - he never drank, he never smoked, he never did anything wrong ... he was in perfect health - right up 'til the time he killed himself.

July 15
Oh, I'm getting old - my insurance company sent me half a calendar!

July 16
And when we were kids, the whole neighborhood made fun of my brother. They'd call him four eyes. Then when he got glasses then they called him eight eyes.

July 17
I told a guy, "Kids. Today the way they dress, you can't tell boys from girls. Why, look at that kid over there. What's that? A boy or a girl?" He said, "That's a boy, that's my son." I said, "Sure, you knew, you're his father." He said, "I'm not his father, I'm his mother!"

July 18
Oh, yesterday was a beauty. I found a guy's wallet. Inside was a picture of my kids!

July 19
I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.

July 20
With my wife, I can never have a good time. The other night I was drinking. She told me to stop. She said, "You're drunk enough for me." I told her, "I'm never drunk enough for you."

July 21
I remember I told my wife, "Honey, I love you, will you marry me?" She said, "If you really loved me, you wouldn't ask me to do this."

July 22
My doctor told me not to make any quick moves - and my wife told me not to make any moves!

July 23
I tell you, a hooker is more important than a doctor. I mean, four o'clock in the morning, drunk. I'd never walk up five flights of stairs to see a doctor.

July 24
I found out how the limbo started - yeah, midgets sneaked into a pay toilet.

July 25
Last week, my fan club broke up - the guy died.

July 26
Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. I used to sleep six in one bed. I didn't know what it was to sleep alone until I got married!

July 27
When I was a kid, I was poor. My teeth were all yellow - I mean yellow - why, when I would smile, I would stop traffic!

July 28
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was, she put everything in both names. Her and her mother's.

July 29
I loaned a guy ten thousand dollars to get plastic surgery - now I can't find him - I don't know what he looks like!

July 30
Oh, I had an uncle who was really a big drinker. The fire burned for four days!

July 31
And I was an ugly kid. Everytime my old man wanted sex, my mother showed him my picture. I mean, ugly. My mother breastfed me through a straw.

 

[melody]

Cum Swallowing Tips
Part 2

11: As an earlier poster mentioned, diet has a profound effect on the qualities of the cum. But while fish may make the taste even worse, some foods can improve the taste somewhat. Citrus, especially, is good for this. Drinking a lot of juice (pineapple seems to work best) should affect the taste enough to make it bearable. - Anonymous, California

12: I tell my mate to let me know when he's ready to cum, by tapping my head or shoulder. When he does I take his penis as far back in my mouth as I can. That way I feel the hot cum, but the taste is not as bad as it would be up front. Practice on dildos to perfect this technique. - Bobbie, Kentucky

13: I have a tongue piercing, but its overrated if you know how to use you tongue. Not too much, but not too little. Use your tongue on the back of his dick and around the head. Start slowly at the top like you're making out with it, then work your way down and increase the speed. They love it! (Hint: Drink alcohol and fruit juice combined for the best tasting cum.) - Lexi, Seattle

14: There must be something good about Asian diets, because the taste of Asian cum is just wonderful. Has anyone else noticed this? - Matt, Australia
Brush your teeth before - that way you don't taste it. - Shannon, U. S. -

15: If gagging can not be helped or prevented, put 1 or 2 cough drops in your mouth. This will help numb the back of your throat and also give him a tingling sensation. - Anonymous, Maryland

16: Swallowing really isn't that bad at all. In fact, if you get the technique down, you hardly taste it. You can let his cum hit the back of your throat, totally bypassing your tongue...and voila! He's happy and you don't make any funny faces at the taste of it. Hell, think of what he does do you. - Lily, Pennsylvania

17: I know that it's a great idea to have ice cream afterwards. Not only does it get the taste out of your mouth, but if you're not used to sucking very hard the coldness sooths your throat. - Connie, Louisiana

18: I love to taste the payoff of my attentions, but some are much better than others. I've noticed that the flavor is much less tasteable when the release is deeper in the throat area, at very least to the back of the tongue, which has no taste buds. The throbbing is the best warning, and is a delicious sensation, if you can swallow at least the head, or more. I prefer more....but the first shot on the tongue is absolutely the best, then down the throat, you get the flavor and the throbbing to enjoy! - Anonymous, Georgia

19: I have often found eating a cinnamon candy or chewing cinnamon gum not only masks the flavor but also gives the man a "HOT" blowjob. I know mine will reach for a pack of Big Red when he's ready. - Sammi, Ohio

 

[melody]

Thoughts On Aging

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.

 

[melody]

Dear Wife, Dear Husband...

"To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, with
your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you
will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
perturbed I shall be back home before midnight."

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining
room table:


"My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to
take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At
the same time, I would like to inform you that while you read this, I
will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who, like
your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with
your excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in
the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 a
lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back
before lunch time tomorrow."

 

[melody]

Jeff Foxworthy's Redneck Test

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . your car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it.

. . . your greatest accomplishment is the 10-pound turnip you grew.

. . . any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.

. . . you think people who have electricity are uppity.

. . . you know how to milk a goat.

. . . you’ve ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.

. . . your two best friends are named Skeeter and Possum.

. . . you’ve ever hollered, “You kids quit playin’ on that sheet metal.”

. . . your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday night.

. . . your idea of summer vacation is running through a sprinkler in the front yard.

. . . you’ve ever named a child for a good dog.

. . . there are four pairs of pants and two squirrels hanging from your clothesline.

. . . your local newspaper has a front-page feature called “Cow of the Week.”

. . . you don’t need a clean shirt to go to work.

. . . you bum a dip from your mother.

. . . you have the entire WWF slurpie cup collection proudly displayed on a shelf in your trailer.

. . . your favorite mixed drink includes Yoo-Hoo.

. . . you think “Hooked on Phonics” is a fishing show.

. . . you’ve ever attended a dance at the bus station.

. . . your guest bedroom is also your tool shed.

. . . you spend three days in line for Reba tickets.

. . . you can’t keep your cats out of your car at night because the interior smells like fried chicken.

. . . you think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.

. . . you drive more than thirty miles to save money on a pack of cigarettes.

. . . you spend most of your time in the laundromat so you can watch TV.

. . . grass is growing in the floor boards of your car.