JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

The Epileptic Fit

An old Irish man is in a honeymoon suite with his young wife. They're
just about to have sex when she has an epileptic fit. The Irish guy
doesn't care and tries to start shagging her, but can't get into her.
He picks up the phone and says to the receptionist, "Bring me up two
strong men." After a couple of minutes two men arrive. "Here," the
Irishman says, "hold her arms." They hold her arms but after several
tries the man still can't get in.
He picks up the phone again and says, "Another two men, please."
The men come. "Here," he says, "hold her legs." They do so, but even
after several more tries he can't get in. He pick up the phone, "One
more strong man, please," he says. The man arrives, as requested.
"Here," says the Irishman, "pin her down." The man does so. And
finally, with five men helping, the man manages to get his dick into his
wife, who is still having a fit.

"Now," says the Irishman, "let her go!"

 

[melody]

Q. How did the john know how many times his favorite whore had gotten fucked that night?
A. He drank her douche and counted the lumps as they went down.

How do you get your wife to scream while you are having an orgasm?
Call her and tell her where you are.

You might be a redneck if your grandmother calls you in the bathroom
and says.. " Hey Y'all Come look at this before I FLUSH!!"

@@@@@

Little Suzie is sitting in a barber shop, eating a Hostess snack cake while the barber cuts her hair.
A customer passes by and says, "Sweetheart, you're getting hair on your Twinkie."
Little Suzie looks up with a big smile and said, "I know, and I'm getting tits, too!"

@@@@@

Your mama's so fat . . .
She pulled her panties down to her ankles and she still had cunt in them!

Yo' mama's so fat that after I fucked her I rolled over twice and I was still on the bitch.

@@@@@

A girl goes to her doctor and as he's examining her, he says "those are terrible rug burns on your knees."
"Yeah, doc," she says, "it's from doing it doggy style."
"Don't you know any other sexual positions?"
"Sure, but my doggy don't."

@@@@@

There once was a Playboy Bunny
who had a pretty blond cunnie
she'd jump straight to bed
her legs she would spread
with a cunt that tasted like honey

 

[melody]

You Might Be Gay if...

You might be gay if you remove the banana seat on your bike and replace it
with a real banana!

You might be "light in the loafers" if, to you, BOYZ 2 MEN isn't a singing
group, but rather a lifestyle preference!

You might be "Tinkerbell's cousin" if you've ever fantasized about french
kissing your high school shop teacher!

You might be "queer as a three dollar bill" if you think that "Male
Bonding" involves a tube of K-Y Jelly...AND a gerbil!

You might be "The Fairy Princess" if you're the daughter your mother never
had!

You might be "as fruity as Carmen Miranda's hat" if you prefer a designer
belt over a toolbelt any day!

You might be "poop packer" if you have www.playgirl.com set as your "HOME
PAGE"

You might be "skin-sword swallower" if you don't care about the size or
shape cause they "all taste the same!"

You might be "semen sucker" if you save used condoms as "doggie bags."

You might be "butch" if your dream, as a little boy, was to grow up and be
a biker chick!

You might be a homo if you make sure that's what it says on your milk
carton!

You might be "skirting the fringe" if during the mooning scene in
Braveheart you got a "woody".

You might be a "weenie queen" if you suck all the condements off your hot
dog before you eat it!

You might be a "low-baller" if Jack Frost has something you'd like to nip
on.

You might be a "gentleman's gentle-man" if you look better in her wedding
gown than your sister.

You might be "riding the fence...and the fencepost" if you're considered
"one of the girls!"

You might be "limp in the wrist" if you consider Richard Simmons "Macho!"

You might be a "swishy blowhard" if you personally know the difference
between oral sex and Oral Roberts...although both suck!

You might be "matrimonily monosexual" if you think of a hetero couple as
being a "mixed marriage."

You might be a "drag queen" if you have to check what you're wearing first
to make sure you use the right restroom.

 

[melody]

A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."

They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."

He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."

The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

99999

Little Johnny comes home from playing at his friend Steve's house.
He goes up to Mum and says, "Hey Mom, guess what! Steve's got a
penis like a peanut!"

His Mum is understandably confused for a second then asks,
"What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?"

"No", replied Little Johnny. "it tastes salty!"

99999

Q: How do you find a fat girl’s cunt?
A: You flip through the folds until you smell shit, And then go back one.

Q: How do you fuck a fat girl?
A: Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.

Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.

Q: Why are faggots so generous?
A: They don't know how to be tight-arsed.

Q: Why did the guy sleep with his sister in-law?
A: He had it in for his brother.

99999

"Doc, you gotta help me!" said this bloke to his doctor.
"I eat apples, and whole apples come out. I eat bananas,
and bananas come out!" what do I do?
"Simple." said the Doc. "Eat shit!"

 

[melody]

Long List Of Lesbian Q&A Jokes

Q: Why do lesbians like whales so much?
A: Because they have 50 foot tongues and breath out of the top of their heads!

Q: What do my girlfriend and Jack Daniels have in common?
A: They are both hard liqueurs.

Q: How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
A: She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

Q: Is there anything a penis can do that a finger or tongue can't do?
A: Well urinate comes to mind.

Q: What can two femmes do in bed?
A: Each other's makeup.

Q: Have you heard about the new lesbian style of running shoe: the dykee?
A: It has an extra long tongue and only takes one finger to get it off.

Q: What do you call 2 butches bonding?
A: Hockey Night in Canada

Q: What do you call a lesbian with 10 girlfriends?
A: A bush-hog!

Q: How many femmes does it take to change a tire?
A: 2 - one to call AAA and one to whine about the grease on her skirt

Q: What do you call an Irish lesbian?
A: Gaylick

Q: What did Ellen DeGeneres say to Kathie Lee Gifford?
A: May I be Frank with you tonight?

Q: What do you call a lesbian who lives up north?
A: A Klondyke.

Q: What's the most important question on the minds of Alaskan lesbians?
A: What would ya do oh oh for a Klondyke bar?
(Sung to the theme of the Klondyke ice cream bar commercials.)

Q: What do you call a lesbian's closet?
A: A lick-her cabinet.

Q: What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?
A: Single!

Q: What does an 80 year old lesbian taste like?
A: Depends

Q: Did you hear that k.d. lang died?
A: She was found face down in Ricki Lake
(With a smile on her face no doubt!)

Q: Why can't lesbians go on a diet and wear lipstick at the same time?
A: You can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face!

Q: What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
A: Toys for Twats

Q: What do you call a 300 pound lesbian?
A: A bush hog

Q: What do you call a 100 pound lesbian?
A: A weedeater

Q: What did one lesbian say to another?
A: "Your face or mine?"

Q: What kind of humor do lesbians like?
A: Tongue in cheek.

Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: 3 blind lesbians in a fish market.

Q: Why do lesbians like to have gay male friends?
A: Someone has to do the cooking!

Q: Why do gay men like to have lesbian friends?
A: Someone has to mow the yard.

Q: How can you tell if you have a butch dyke co-worker?
A: You find the toilet seat up when she leaves the stall.

Q: What do you call lesbian dinosaurs?
A: The lickalotopuss and the clitolickumus.

Q: How do you know if you have lesbians living next door?
A: Frequent U Hauls in front of the house.

Q: What do you call a lesbian with 1,000 semiautomatic rifles?
A: Militia Etheridge

Q: What does it mean when 2 lesbians have sex?
A: It don't mean dick!

Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a lesbian?
A: You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

Q: What's the lesbian mating call?
A: "I'm *so* drunk!"

Q: What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
A: Well hung

Q: If man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, what do lesbians need?
A: A liqueur license.
(And 1,203 marches on Washington, 476 lawyers, 3.5 million dollars, and an act of Congress!)

Q: What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
A: You don't taste like chicken!

Q: What drives a lesbian up the wall?
A: A crack in the ceiling.

Q: What has 4 legs and eats ants?
A: 2 other aunts

Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 2 if they're small enough (think about that one for a minute!)

Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Light? Who needs light? We prefer to do it in the dark!

Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 5 - 1 to screw it in and 4 to bitch about the man who invented it

Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Both of them.

Q: What do you call a room full of 50 politicians and 50 lesbians?
A: 100 people who don't do dick!

Q: What is the difference between a Wheat Thin and a lesbian?
A: One is a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.
(This is a visual joke, but I did the best that I could!)

Q: What do you call a woman who can't get her tongue back in her mouth?
(Visualize a woman trying to talk with her tongue rigidly sticking out of her mouth.)
A: A lesbian with a hard on.

 

[melody]

Atlantic City

This guy is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City and he
runs into a hooker.
He says, "How much?"
She says, "Twenty bucks."
He says, "All right."
They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next
night, he runs into the same hooker. They go under the boardwalk,
only this time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible
farts. When they get done, he hands her twenty-FIVE dollars.
She says, "What the extra five?"
He says, "That's for blowing the sand off my balls."



Q: Three tampons were walking down the street. How many
of them stopped to say "Hi"?.
A: None. They were all stuck up cunts.

Q: When do you know you're really ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

Q: What's green and has an IQ of 160?
A: A platoon of marines.

Q: What's the definition of saturated fat?
A: Rush Limbaugh in a hot tub.

Q: Why does a dog lick his ass?
A: Because he knows in 5 minutes he'll be licking your face.

Q: What is the definition of pile carpeting?
A: Hair on hemorrhoids.

Q: What's the worst thing about eating a bald pussy?
A: Putting the diaper back on.

*****

Really Gross!!

Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner,
Playing with Grandma's twat.
He stuck in his pinky,
Pulled it out stinky
And said, "Damn, it's beginnin' to rot!"

 

[melody]

Crabs

Little Johnny got the crabs from a girlfriend and wanted to know
how to get rid of them. He found that there are three options.

1. Hold a mirror opposite of your genitals and the crabs will
think that there is another crotch to jump off onto.

2. Shave off half of your pubic hair, set the other half on fire
and stab the crabs with an ice pick when they run out of the
first half.

3. Go to a movie; buy a box of popcorn, a coke, and a pack of
milk duds. When the movie is really getting to a point of real
excitement be sure to drop some of the popcorn into your lap
so the crabs can eat some of the popcorn. The salt in the
popcorn will make the crabs really thirsty, and they will go
to the lobby to get some water. While they are gone, you get
up and move to another seat.

 

[melody]

One day a construction worker left the job a little early,

and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man.

Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.

Utterly terrified, the man screamed,

"Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"

"Nope, " replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Q: What’s meaner than a pit bull with AIDS
A: The fucking guy that gave it to him

Q: What's more dangerous than the guy in the above question?
A: A buck toothed faggot with the hiccups

Q: What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?
A: Line dancing at the nursing home.

Q: Where do one legged people work?
A: IHOP!!

Q: Why did the gypsy walk carefully?
A: Because he had crystal balls.

Q: Why didn't the elephant like to play cards in the jungle?
A: Because there were too many cheetahs.

Q: What do you get when you cross a CabbagePatch doll
with the Pillsbury dough boy?
A: A short ugly chick with a yeast infection

 

[melody]

Doctor: "I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news, Miss Hottwot."
Miss Hottwot: "Well, give me the good news first, Doc."
Doctor: "Your lab tests came back today, and your crabs are all gone."
Miss Hottwot: Gee, that's great! But what's the bad news?"
Doctor: "We don't know what killed them."

P P P

Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are
listening through the
keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.
They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man
has gone before!"
The six-year-old says to his brother, "He must be fucking
her up the ass!"

P P P

A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an
anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary
muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students
a bit, asked the woman "Do you know what your asshole
is doing when you're having an orgasm?"

"Sure" she said, "He's at home, taking care of the kids."

P P P

There are two sides to every divorce:
Yours and shithead's

Q. What do you call a soup made from vegetables and chewing tobacco?
A. Spit pea soup.

Q: Why couldn't the Greek boy run away from home?
A: He couldn't leave his brothers behind!

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?
A: A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For better traction in the mud.

P P P

Two firemen are butt-fucking in a smoke filled room. The captain walks in and
says: "What the fuck is going on in here?!"
The guy on top replies: "Sir, this man is suffering from smoke-inhalation!"
The captain then asks: "Why don't you just give him mouth to mouth?"
To which the one on the bottom replies: "How do you think this shit got
started?"

P P P

So I said to my office mate "Man, your new girlfriend sure is big
and ugly."
And he says "So is my cock, but that doesn't stop me from having a
good time with it."

P P P

There's a scream from the bedroom.
The husband runs in and there's a guy leaping out of the window.
His wife says, "Whaa! That guy just fucked me twice!"
He says, "Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he fucked
you once?"
She says, "Because I thought it was you...until he started for
the second one."

 

[melody]

Reading A Book

There was this couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready
for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on and read a book. As he
was reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling
with her pussy.
He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to
reading his book.
The wife then got up and started stripping off in front of him.
The husband was confused and asked, "What are doing taking all your
gear off?".
The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was
foreplay for something a bit heavier"
The husband said, "No, not at all".
The wife then asked," Well, what were you doing then?".
"Oh", he said, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the
pages in my book!."
______

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full
and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with
both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running
her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is
there anything I can do?"
"Well, as a matter of fact there s. I need you to give him a message"
she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and
allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper
in the ladies room."

 

[melody]

Checking Account

Man goes into a bank and up to the cashier's desk.

"Nice tits love, I want to open a FUCKING checking account," the man snarls.

"I beg your pardon, sir?", the startled female teller replies.

"Listen, you dumb bitch, I said I want to open a FUCKING checking account."

"I'm sorry, sir, but I can't help you if you're going to talk like that." She leaves the window, walks over to the bank manager and whispers in his ear. The two return and the manager asks, stiffly,

"What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no GODDAMN problem!" the man insists. "I just won ten million dollars in the lottery, and I want to open a FUCKING checking account!"

"I see sir," the manager quickly replies,

"and this cunt's giving you a hard time, is she?"

 

[melody]

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay. It began, 'Daddy fell into the well last week...' 'My goodness!' the teacher exclaimed. 'Is he all right?' 'He must be,' said the boy. 'He stopped yelling for help yesterday.'
___________

A guy comes home from work one day and finds his wife doing it furiously with another man. "What the fuck are you doing?" he screams. His wife looks over her shoulder and says to the other guy, "See, I told you he was stupid."
___________

This husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready to go to work when the husband looked at his wife and said, 'I gotta have you!'

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and nailed her.

When he finished he started putting his clothes back on and saw his wife still writhing around against the door and he asked, 'What's wrong honey? Didn't you come? Do you want more?'

His wife said, 'No, no, it's not that. I'm just trying to get the doorknob out of my asshole!'

___________

Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A. A bloody waste of fucking time.

Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged

Q. What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?
A. You can eat your mom's apple pie.

Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
A. Place to hang their air freshener.

 

[melody]

Where Babies Come From

One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached
her mother, and announced that she had learned where
babies come from. The mother was amused and said "Oh
really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl then explained, "Well...the mommy and
daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's
wiener stands way up high, and the mommy kneels on the
floor and puts the daddy's wiener in her mouth, and
then the daddy's wiener sort of explodes and makes
sticky juice into the mommy's mouth, and then the
mommy swallows the sticky juice, and that's where
babies come from."

The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over
to meet her eye to eye and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet,
but that's not where babies come from. That's where
jewelry comes from."

 

[melody]

It has come to the attention of researchers of the Food and Drug
Administration that previously unanticipated complications, result
when Viagara is taken along with Ex-Lax. Both products tend to act
together and magnify the effects of the other.

The researchers have concluded that the result is that you end up
both coming and going at the same time.

It *really* gets complicated when Prozac is taken with the other
drugs, because then, you really don't give a shit.

********

If you have sex with your own clone, are you gay ...
or are you masturbating?

Q. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
A. Sperm is handmade.

Q: What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
A: When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you.

Q: What do you call a female midget who gives excellent head?
A: Short, sweet, and to the point.

Q: Why do women have two holes so close together?
A: In case you miss.

Q: What do a farmer and a pimp have in common?
A: Both need a hoe to stay in business.

Q. Why shouldn't you suck a twelve inch dick?
A. You could get foot in mouth disease.

 

[melody]

Funny Sexual Positions

All The Sexual Positions That You Can Try With Your Special Someone Tonight!


Tea Bag: As you are sitting on a girl's face, repeatedly dip your scrotum in and out of her mouth

Pancaking: After you have preformed the teabag, you sit and flop your nuts on and as far across the girl's face as possible. A.K.A. Ball sacking

Angry Dragon: Immediately after you blow your load in a girls mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.

Shocker: When fingering a girl with two fingers, very suddenly and without her knowing, bend your ring finger down to touch your thumb, and while the two fingers are still in her pussy, stick your pinky up her ass. Two in the pink, one in the stink.

Smurf: Smurfing is when the guy takes is dick and flogs it onto the side of the girl's face.

Dog In The Bathtub: You attempt to insert your cock and nuts into a girl's ass. Now, which is harder; getting the dog in the bath, or keeping the dog in?

Dirty Sanchez: A time honored event in which while laying the bone doggie style, you insert your finger into her asshole. You then pull it out and wipe it across her upper lip leaving a thin shit mustache. Take that you dirty Mexican.

Houdini: Wanna be a magician? First off start ramming the bitch from behind. When you are about to cum, announce that your cumming. Pull out and hock a loogie on her back, and when she turns around to look at you, bust a nut right on her face.

Bucking Bronco: You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab her tits as tight as possible and yell another girls name. When she tries to get you off, see how long you can stay on this bucking bronco.

The Donkey Punch: Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, you stick your dick in her ass, and then punch her in the back of the neck. The blow to the neck will stun the muscles in the female's ass, which will constrict and needless to say will make you cream everywhere.

One Eyed Pirate: Blow your load in one of the bitch's eyes. While she tries to wipe it off, kick her in the shin. The desired effect is to get her hopping on one leg while holding the other, and covering one of her eyes with her free hand. She may even say "Argh!"

Popcorn Surprise: Not really a sex position, but something really funny to do. First when you and your bitch are at a movie theatre, tell her that you will buy the popcorn while she holds the seats. When you buy the popcorn, cut a hole in the bottom, so when you sit down you can carefully maneuver your schlong into the hole. When she reaches in for a handful or two, she will get a nice surprise. Everyone likes buttered popcorn.

Flaming Pele: This is funny as shit. You start plugging the girl from behind. You reach around with a lighter and light her bush on fire and you kick her off the bed. Flaming Pele.

Flying Camel: As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees. You very carefully move forward and prop yourself (without using your arms) on your dick while it is still in her cunt. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long shrieking howl much like a flying camel. Strictly a classy move.

Pearl Necklace: Whenever you cum on the neck/cleavage area of a girl. Give her some nice jewelry. Fuck that diamonds are forever shit.

 

[melody]

Annual Checkup

Ruth was complaining to her doctor at the annual checkup, "I'm
losing my urge to make love."
"Mrs. Edelman, it's quite natural and understandable. After all,
you are eighty-four," said the doctor. "But please tell me,
when did you start to notice the change?"
"Last night," she answered, "and then again this morning."
"Aha!" exclaimed the physician. "Your problem isn't a diminished
sex drive. What you need is to be coupling at least fifteen
times a month."
After thanking him, she headed home, eager to let her husband
know her doctor's prescription. "Guess what? He says I need it
fifteen times a month, at least!"
Putting in his dentures her husband said, "That's great, honey.
Put me down for five."

======

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from
their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this
'Sex and Marriage'book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'.
'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk
about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever
have mutual orgasm?". Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook
her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm.

======

Dave returned home late and found a naked man
with a hard-on in his wife's bedroom closet.

"Hey, what the fuck are you doing in there?"

"I'm riding a bus."

"That's a fucking stupid thing to say!"

"Well, that's a fucking stupid thing to ask!"

======

One of our geeks was at my computer adjusting some settings so I took
the opportunity to ask him a question.

"With all this stuff going around, how do I know if I have a virus?"

He kept working, but without missing a beat he said, . . . "It will burn
when you pee."

======

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've
got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard."

 

[melody]

Battle Of The Sexes

The Last 11 Things Any Man Would Ever Say:

* I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
* While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
* I think hairy butts are really sexy.
* Her tits are just too big.
* Sometimes I just want to be held.
* That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
* Sure I'd love to wear a condom!
* We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
* Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
* I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions
* No, I don't mind watching Thelma and Louise again.

The Perfect Day According to ... HIM

10:00am Wake up
10:02am Oral sex
10:15am Big breakfast
11:30am Drive up the coast in Ferrari with gorgeous blonde with big jugs
2:15pm Enormous lunch
3:00pm Oral sex
3:15pm Play sports with the guys
4:00pm Drink beer with guys
6:00pm Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:10pm Oral sex
6:25pm Huge dinner, more beer
11:00pm Full on, get down, gorilla sex

 

[melody]

The Last 11 Things Any Woman Would Ever Say:

* Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
* Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
* I think hairy butts are really sexy.
* Hey, get a whiff of that one.
* Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
* This diamond is way too big!
* I don't mind throwing all these useless shoes out.
* I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
* Wow, it really is 14 inches!
* Does this make my butt look too small?
* I'm wrong, you must be right again.

The Perfect Day According to ... HER

8:45am Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00am 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30am Light breakfast
11:00am Sunbathe
12:00pm Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:30pm Shopping
2:30pm Run into boyfriends ex, notice she's gained 30 pounds
3:00pm Facial massage and nap
7:30pm Candle light dinner for two and dancing
10:00pm Make love
11:00pm Pillow talk in his big strong arms

 

[melody]

Twitchin'

Daddy told me long ago,
"Son, don't play with your dick.
Your teeth will rot, your nose will grow,
It's sure to make you sick."

"Your palms will get all hairy,
Or so I've heard it said.
You'll grow up to be a fairy
Just like your uncle Ned."

"Your bones will crack, your skin will crawl
Your back will always ache.
You won't grow more than four feet tall.
Your knees will start to shake."

"Your tongue will get all mushy,
Your hair will all turn green,
And then you'll lose your tushy
Before you turn thirteen."

"Your ears will flop, your eyes will cross,
Your crotch will start to smell.
Your brain will turn to applesauce.
YOU'LL DIE AND GO TO HELL!"

"And if they ask me how you died,
I'll tell them you were sick.
But in my heart I'll know I lied.
It's 'cause you pulled your prick!"

Daddy went to work this morn
And Mommy's in the kitchen.
I think I'll go get Daddy's porn
And give myself a twitchin.'

hhh

How do you fit four gay guys on one bar stool?
Turn it over.

How can you tell if a redneck girl is a virgin?
She can run faster than her brothers.

How do you circumcise a redneck?
Kick his sister in the chin.

How many nuns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know, I never asked. I just fuck 'em.

How can you tell if a redneck girl is on the rag?
Her brother's dick is red.

What's the difference between a priest and acne?
Acne waits until you're a teenager before it comes on your face.

How can you tell if your roommate is gay?
He gets hard when you fuck him.

 

[melody]

Where Babies Come From

One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached
her mother, and announced that she had learned where
babies come from. The mother was amused and said "Oh
really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl then explained, "Well...the mommy and
daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's
wiener stands way up high, and the mommy kneels on the
floor and puts the daddy's wiener in her mouth, and
then the daddy's wiener sort of explodes and makes
sticky juice into the mommy's mouth, and then the
mommy swallows the sticky juice, and that's where
babies come from."

The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over
to meet her eye to eye and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet,
but that's not where babies come from. That's where
jewelry comes from."

********

It has come to the attention of researchers of the Food and Drug
Administration that previously unanticipated complications, result
when Viagara is taken along with Ex-Lax. Both products tend to act
together and magnify the effects of the other.

The researchers have concluded that the result is that you end up
both coming and going at the same time.

It *really* gets complicated when Prozac is taken with the other
drugs, because then, you really don't give a shit.

********

If you have sex with your own clone, are you gay ...
or are you masturbating?

Q. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
A. Sperm is handmade.

Q: What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
A: When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you.

Q: What do you call a female midget who gives excellent head?
A: Short, sweet, and to the point.

Q: Why do women have two holes so close together?
A: In case you miss.

Q: What do a farmer and a pimp have in common?
A: Both need a hoe to stay in business.

Q. Why shouldn't you suck a twelve inch dick?
A. You could get foot in mouth disease.