JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

A Tapeworm

A man had been feeling sick for several days. Finally he decided
to try a new doctor who had just moved into town.

After hearing the man's symptoms and listening to his belly with
a stethoscope the doctor told him that he had a tapeworm.

"Oh, that sounds bad. How can I get rid of it?" asked the man.

"Come in tomorrow and bring with you a hard boiled egg and a
lemon cookie," said the doctor. When he saw a puzzled look cross
the man's face, he said, "Trust me. I'm the doctor."

So, the next day the man brings in the hard boiled egg and the
lemon cookie. "Drop your pants, and bend over," says the doctor.

"What?" says the man.

"Trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor.

So, the man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor
shoves the egg up his rear.

"Whoa! Hold on a minute, Jack!" screams the man.

"Hold still and trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor.

About a minute later, SWOOSH! up goes the lemon cookie.

"Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow with a hard boiled
egg and a lemon cookie," says the doctor.

As the infuriated man starts to protest the doctor says, "Trust
me. I'm the doctor."

So, the man comes in the next day and he brings the hard boiled
egg and the lemon cookie. "Drop your pants and bend over," says
the doctor.

"This again?" yells the man.

"Trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor.

So, the man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor
shoves the egg up his rear.

"Oh! I can't believe I'm doing this!" says the man.

"Hold still now and trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor.

About a minute later, SWOOSH! up goes the lemon cookie.

"Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow with another hard
boiled egg and another lemon cookie," says the doctor.

As the man starts to shake his head the doctor says, "Trust me.
I'm the doctor."

So, this goes on all week until one day, after the man pulls up
his pants, the doctor says, "Now come in tomorrow and bring a
hard boiled egg and a hammer." As the man turns pale the doctor
says, "Trust me. I'm the doctor."

The man gets no sleep that night worried to death about what the
hammer is going to feel like when it gets shoved up his ass. He
almost stays home, but he still feels sick. So far the treatments
haven't helped and he's afraid he'll have to start over if he
goes to a new doctor.

The man comes in the next day and he brings the hard boiled egg
and the hammer. "Drop your pants and bend over," says the doctor.

"But, why do we need a hammer?" asks the man nervously.

"Trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor.

The man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves
the egg up his rear.

"Please!" says the man, terrified of what is to come next.

"Hold still and trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor.

About a minute later, the man is about to pass out from terror
and he is involuntarily clenching his rear as tight as he can.
But nothing happens. Several more minutes pass and he starts to
relax. The man is about to straighten up and ask the doctor what
happened when the tapeworm sticks its head out his rear end and
yells, "Where's my lemon cookie?!"

....and WHAM! Down comes the hammer.

********

Casey came home from the doctor looking very worried. his wife said,
"What's the problem?"
He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the
rest of my life."
She said, "So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their
whole lives."
He said, "I know, but he only gave me four pills!"

 

[melody]

A U.S. Citizen

Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a
George Washington?"
Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?"
He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of- a
United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States,
and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says.
"Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"
Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"
He says, "Hah! Abaham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the
United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United
States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

********

A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppi . . . you know
who Fishlips Lorenzo is?"
He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo is?"
The guy yells, "That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in
night school."
==========
A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just
scratching his nuts-- something she seemed to love to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
'Why do you love doing that?'
'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'
==========
The first black girl asked the Indian girls, what kinda Indians is ya?
The Indian girl responded, "I'm an Arapaho and she's a Navaho."
The black girl responded,"No shit, I's a Cleveland Ho, and she be a
Detroit Ho!"
==========
Why did God give women nipples?
To make suckers out of men.

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
Then the fight started...

 

[melody]

Malaysian Politics - State of Intelligence

Abdullah Badawi was visiting Singapore and during a meeting with Brigadier Lee, he commented to him that he was so disappointed with his cabinet people for being stupid, and asked him how he managed to have such an efficient cabinet in Singapore .

PM Lee said, 'Simple, Abdullah, I choose able men for my cabinet.'

Abdullah asked, 'Yes, but how do you know that they are able?'

PM Lee replied : Just ask them simple questions to test their intelligence. They don't need to be too difficult. Let me illustrate to you.

Just then, DPM Tony Tan was walking by, PM Lee called out to him, 'Hey Tony, come over here.'

Tony walked briskly over and PM Lee asked, 'Tell me, Tony, who is your father's son ?'

Tony Tan immediately replied, 'Me ! Of course.'

PM Lee turned to Abdullah and said, 'See, all my ministers can answer such questions. Why don't you go back and try?'

Abdullah thanked PM Lee and left for Putra Jaya.

Once he was back, he immediately summoned Home Minister Syed Hamid, and shot the question at him, 'Tell me, Hamid, who is your father's son?'

Syed Hamid was shocked beyond words and did not know the answer.

After a while, he recovered and said, 'Boss, let me find out and I'll tell you tomorrow.'

Abdullah, a bit disappointed, agreed, hoping that Syed Hamid will give him the answer the next day.

Meanwhile, Syed Hamid was panicking that the PM was testing him. He tried desperately to find out the answer from his staff, but none of them knew the answer.

The next morning, he thought a smart guy like Anwar must know the answer. So he phoned and when Anwar picked up the phone,


Syed Hamid said: 'Hello, Anwar !!, I want to ask you a question. If you do not willingly give me the answer, I shall have you detained under the ISA.'

Anwar then agreed reluctantly and Syed Hamid asked: "Tell me, who is your father's son?'

Anwar who was fuming at having been threathened over such a trivial question replied: 'Of course it's me, you stupid!' and he slammed the phone down.

Satisfied that he got the answer, Syed Hamid confidently walked into Abdullah's office and said: 'Boss, I've got the answer to your question.'

Abdullah, happy that his minister wasn't that dumb, said, 'So tell me quickly Hamid, who is your father's son?'

Syed Hamid confidently replied, 'It's ANWAR!'

Abdullah slapped his own forehead in disgust and said: "No you stupid ! It's TONY TAN!'


HAHAHAH....HEHEHEHHE....HOHOHOHO

 

[melody]

The Singing Pussy

A rather plain looking woman enters the office of a Hollywood talent agent and says, "I wish to hire you. "OK, he says, lets talk. Are you an actress, dancer, comedian, what?" "I can sing through my pussy!" "You can do what?" "I sing through my pussy! "Listen!" Pulling up her dress she removes her panties, spreads her legs apart and sings like a bird through her pussy. The agent grabs his phone and calls his friend Jack, a producer of X-rated shows. He is informed that the producer is in Paris France and is given a number where he may be reached. He immediately places the call forgetting the time difference. The producer answers mumbling a sleepy, "H'lo." "Hey, Jack, this is Morley. I got a broad her that you won't believe. You gotta hear this, listen." He places the phone next to the broads pussy and it sings. After a few bars of the song he says, "Well, wadda ya think? I never heard anything like it in my life. This could make us millions." The producer bellows into the phone, "Morley, you son of a bitch, I didn't get to bed till after midnight, it's three o'clock in the morning here and you wake me from a sound sleep just to hear some cunt sing!"

=================================================

Why did the blonde pull her Dildo out before she came?
She wasn't on the pill.

What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear ?
"Thanks for the refill!"

=================================================

Thomas and Tamara were attending a dinner party so that Thomas's mother could meet Tamara for the first time. Towards the end of the evening, Tamara approached Thomas and asked if there was a problem, as Thomas's mother seemed to be avoiding her after their first introduction.
"Honestly, my dear," Thomas said, "Mother finds you to be, how should I put it, a bit on the crude side."
"Crude? Doesn't she know that I come from one of the most respected families in Boston? That I was educated in Switzerland ? That I attended the finest finishing schools on the East Coast? That I obtained a master's degree at Vassar, graduating Magna Cum Laude?" Tamara asked.
"Yes, yes, my love, I told her all that," Thomas replied.
"Then where in the fuck does that snooty cunt come off with all that crude bullshit?"

 

[melody]

The Silent Ride

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated
by the airplane rides, but he balked at the $30 tickets.

"Let's make a deal," said the pilot. "If you and your wife can ride
without making a single sound, I won't charge you a thing.
Otherwise, you pay the thirty dollars."

"Good deal!" said the farmer.

So they went for the ride. When they got back the pilot said,
"If I hadn't been there, I never would have believed it.
You never made a sound!"

"It wasn't easy either," said the farmer, "I almost yelled when
my wife fell out."

 

[melody]

A Redneck Son

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't
live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20
miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the
address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the
house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their
address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't
seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first
time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut
them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it
is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks
just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to
pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated,
he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the
tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the
normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom

 

[melody]

Several men are in the locker room of a tennis club. A cell phone
on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function
and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ....go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2009 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$80,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last
year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him
in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

 

[melody]

An Example Of Love

The teacher asked the class if anyone could give the class an example
of love.

Little Susie stood up and said, "I saw two robins making a nest
together, I think that is love".

Very good said the teacher, anyone else?

Little Johnny stood up and said i think love is "fucking".

The teacher was shocked and told little Johnny to go home and not to
come back without a note from his father.

The next morning Little Johnny was back in class, the teacher asked,
"Do
you have a note from your father?"

Little Johnny said, "No, my father said love is fucking and anyone that
says it is not is a cock sucker and he doesn't correspond with cock
suckers."

=====

A guy goes to the optometrist. The Doctor tells him, "You've got to
stop
masturbating!"

"Why Doc," he asked, "am I going blind?"

"No," the Doctor explained, "but you're upsetting the other patients in
the waiting room!"

=====

Why do men love blow jobs so much?
They love all jobs they can lay back and watch a woman do.

=====

An elderly couple were at home as the wife called out "So, when are
you going to the doctor"

"I told you, I'll go when I feel like going."

After 3 months of nagging, the old man finally walked into the
doctors office. "Doc," he said, "This is embarrassing, but I'd like to
get a prescription for Viagra."

"Not a problem," said the doctor, as he started writing the 'scrip.

"You don't understand," said the old man. "I am almost 90 years old
and I haven't had sex in more than ten years. I only want it to stick
out a little so when I pee, it doesn't get on my shoes."

 

[melody]

Health Care Provider

TOP 10 INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN:


10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

9) Directions to your Doctor's office include "Take a left when you
enter the trailer park"

8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles

7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "An apple a
day."

5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill
last month.

4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges,"
is not a typographical error.

3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming".

2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:

1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

 

[melody]

10% of women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of women favor nudity.
45% of women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of women experienced anal sex
70% of women prefer sex in the morning
80% of men have never experienced homosexual relations
90% of women would like to have sex in the forest
99% of women have never experienced sex in the office.

CONCLUSION: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having
anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have
sex in the office at the end of the day.

MORAL: Do not stay late at the office, nothing good can come of it.

 

[melody]

Q: Why did the blonde get confused in the the bathroom?
A: She is not used to pulling her own pants down.

Why are blondes quiet when they're having sex?
Because they were told not to talk to strangers

o0o0o0o0o0

The doctor approached the husband who was in the waiting
room while his wife was being examined. The doctor said,
"I have good news and bad news."
"What's the bad news?"
"Your wife has syphilis."
The husband exclaimed, "What could possibly be 'good news'
with a situation like that?"
The doctor replied, "She didn't get it from you."

 

[melody]

Naughty Shorties

He is so stupid that he made 2 holes in his condom, cause he wanted
twins.
==========================================================
I wonder if the person who invented the vibrator was moved to act by
ghostly voices chanting . . . "If you build it, they will come."
==========================================================
Three reason why chocolate is better than sex
Chocolate satifies you even when soft
You can have it in front of your parents
And it wont mind if you bite hard on its nuts
==========================================================
Husband says
My olympic condoms have arrived
Tonight I am going to wear a gold one
Wife says Why don’t you wear a silver one and come second for a
fu*king change
==========================================================
How can a man tell his woman is too fat for him?
When she sits on his face, he can't hear the stereo.
==========================================================
A blonde carpenter was fixing up some wooden window frames on a
50-story building. He was using an electric saw and accidentally
cut one of his ears off.

A guy was walking along the street below him so he called out,
"Hey, you on the street, can you see my ear down there?"

The guy on the street picks up an ear saying, "Is this it?"
"No," was the reply from the blonde carpenter, "mine had a pencil
behind it."
==========================================================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out
to someplace expensive.....
So I took her to a gas station!
==========================================================
A BIG CAT can hurt you, but a LITTLE PUSSY never hurt any man.
==========================================================
What does a rooster have that a man wants?
A hard pecker.
==========================================================
A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a
T.G.I.F. tee-shirt.
"Why are you wearing a Thank God it's Friday
tee-shirt on Monday?"
"Oh shit!" the blonde says,
"I thought it meant Tits Go In Front."
==========================================================
My neighbour`s young son swallowed a quarter, a dime and a nickle.
He was rushed to the hospital.
The next day I asked my neighbour how his son was doing , and he
replied, "no change yet".

 

[cYBorG]

 

[melody]

Two Old Ladies

There was this guy who took very good care of his body. He lifted
weights, and jogged six miles everyday. One morning, he looked
in the mirror and admired his body. He noticed that he was sun-tanned
all over, except his penis, which he decided to do something about.

That afternoon he went to the beach, got completely undressed and
buried himself in the sand, except for his penis.

Two old ladies came walking along the beach. Upon seeing the thing
sticking out of the sand, one old lady began to move it around
with her cane, remarking to theother old lady, saying, "You know,
there really is no justice in the world."
The other lady daid, "What do you mean by that?"
The old lady said, "Look at that, when I was 20.
I was courious about it, when I was 30, I enjoyed it, when I was 40, I
asked for it, when I was 50, I paid for it, when I was 60, I prayed for
it, when I was 70, I forgot about it and now that I'm 80,
the damn things are growing wild and I'm to old to squat!"

==============

You are suffering form what is technically known as an Electra
Complex," the psychiatrist is informing his blonde female patient.
"In other words, you are in love with your father."
The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.
"Now, now," comforts the shrink. "It's not all that bad."
"Yes..(snif)...yes, it is," gets out the blonde between sobs.
"I have no chance at all...he's a married man!"

==============

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The
prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of
August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand.
"I don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no
reason
for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of
August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."

 

[melody]

One night, a man was feeling very "in the mood," so he decides to get himself
a hooker.
Since he doesn't have much money, He finds the cheapest whore in the
nearest Red
Light District. He spends $10 for a blowjob and a fuck, and in the morning
he wakes up
and discovers he has crabs. He goes back to the same hooker, and says
"Hey, you
gave me crabs! What is up with this?" The hooker replies, "What did you
expect for
$10? Lobster?"

^0^0^0^0^0

The zoology teacher ask a small boy to make a sentence using the word "possum."
He answered, "Maw got horny and gave possum."

Q: What is the difference between a hog and a man?
A: A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night just so
he can fuck some pig

Q: What'd the wife do when she found out her husband was a fag?
A: She turned around and took it like a man!

^0^0^0^0^0

"Where Babies Come From?"

A blonde teenage girl comes home from
school and asks her mother, "Is it true what
Rita just told me ..... Babies come out of the
same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear." replies her mother, pleased that
the subject had finally come up, and she
wouldn't have to explain it in detail to her
daughter.

"But then, when I have a baby," responded
the blonde teenager, "won't it knock my
teeth out?"

^0^0^0^0^0

A man was walking down the street.
A hooker stops him and says,
"Say, wanna have a good time?"
"Sure", he says And off they go to the nearest motel. She takes
off her clothes as he keeps staring at her.
She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of
one?"
"Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

 

[melody]

The Insult List

User Added

* Knuckle Fuck
* Dumb Fuck
* Dip Fuck
* Clit Lips
* Lip Dragger
* Stamp Licker
* Cluster Fuck
* Pecker Head
* Waste of Skin
* Dip Shit
* Fat Head
* Knob Jockey
* Shit Stabber
* Fuck Stick
* Gimp
* Dick Breath
* Dill Smack
* Beefy Tits
* Crack Whore
* Turd Wipe
* Tit Suck
* Fool
* Shit Fuck
* Pube Plucker
* Poppy Cock
* Shit Sniff
* Butt Nugget
* Cunt
* Bitch
* Monkey Spank
* Penis Wrinkle
* Fuck Nut
* Dick Munch
* Nut Knocker
* Pooshit
* Cumdumpster
* Gloryholer
* Cum bubble
* Sweater Meat
* Rumple Foreskin
* Slut Bag
* Ass Monkey
* Cock Smoker
* Ass Pony
* Shit Sickle
* Butt Pirate
* Poopy Dick
* Pig Fucker
* Moped Rider
* Butt Hugger
* Cum Smuggler
* Sphincter Dart
* Ass Bandit
* Rump Ranger
* Ass Assassin
* Bitch-Licker
* Anal Crusader
* Rectum Ranger
* Anal Munchkin
* Spankmaster General
* Ball-less prick
* Fudge Packer
* Cumbubbler
* Cock Chomper
* Ass Stuffer
* Dicklick
* Buttpirate
* Assmaster
* Wanker
* Handjob
* Lube Licker
* Cock Cooker
* Assbag

General

*
Asswipe
*
Knob Shiner
*
Jerkoff
*
Dip Stick
*
Circus Performer
*
Whoremonger
*
Trollop
*
Dick shit
*
Twat
*
Prick
*
Jackoff
*
Wank Master
*
Hoe
*
Douche Bag

Beavis and Butthead

*
Bung Hole
*
Fart Knocker
*
Knob Goblin
*
Nut Sack
*
Butt Munch
*
Dill Hole

Anatomy - Vagina

*
Mound
*
Meat Curtains
*
Box
*
Snatch
*
Axe Wound
*
Mutta
*
Muff
*
Twat
*
Yoni
*
Lippies
*
Flaps
*
Salmon Lips
*
Humphole
*
Whisker Biscuit
*
Fuzzy Taco
*
Bearded Clam
*
Hatchet Wound
*
Smoo
*
Lippies
*
Gash
*
Slot
*
Tuna Town
*
Slit
*
Gouge
*
Snack Bar
*
Lips of Life

Anatomy - Breasts

*
Jugs
*
Fun Bags
*
Melons
*
Bullets
*
Cans
*
Rack
*
Titties
*
Knockers
*
Pleasure Pillows
*
Thingies

Anatomy - Penis

* Chop
* Pole
* Stick
* Dick
* Monkey
* Cyclops
* Lingam
* Pork Sword
* Wang
* Snake
* Pig Skin Bus
* Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger

Masturbation

* "Tug of war with Cyclops"
* "Choking the Chicken"
* "Corralling the Tadpoles"
* "Wanking"
* "Having a Toss"
* "Jerking Off"
* "Slappin' the Salami"
* "Flogging the Dolphin"

 

[melody]

Cavity

Mom was getting ready for work and running late for the day when her 3
year old daughter began asking questions about her 'private' area.
Mom didn't realize her 6 year old son was listening around the corner.
Mom proceeded to tell her young daughter 'it' was a 'cavity'.
Satisfied, the 3 year old daughter ran off to play.
The next morning Mom walked into the bathroom and found her
young son furiously scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste.
"What the hell do you think you're doing, young man?!" she exclaimed.
"Don't try to stop me!" he warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day!
"There's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells like my sister's!"

()()()()()

Q: How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?
A: Give the bitch a shovel.

Q: How does the blonde know when her guy has cum?
A: The one standing in line behind him takes his place.

Q: How are all those 900 phone sex numbers examples of delayed gratification?
A: Until you see the phone bill, you don't know how you have been fucked.

()()()()()

Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on
her face and told her mother, "Frank Brown showed me his
pee-pee today!"
Before the mother could register her concern, Sally went
on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mother asked,
"Why? Really small was it?"
Sally replied, "No...salty!"

()()()()()

After examining a woman, the doctor told her husband,
"I don't like the way your wife looks."
"Neither do I, but she's a good cook and gives great head."

 

[melody]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny was walking down the street with his mother. They stopped
outside a woman's clothing shop and Johnny's mother knew it would
embarrass him to go inside so she told him to wait outside. Before she
had a chance to go inside, Little Johnny saw a used condom lying on the
pavement.

"What is that mummy?" he asked.

His mother looked mortified when she saw the used condom and hastily
said, "Um, it's a biscuit Johnny, but it's on the ground and dirty, so
don't touch it!"

Confident that Little Johnny wouldn't touch it she went in the shop.
When she came out 10 min later she saw the condom was gone.

"You didn't eat the biscuit, did you Little Johnny?" she asked.

"Of course not, it was dirty, so I just licked the cream out from inside
it."

====================

Q. Did you hear about the guy who went to visit the Home for the
Profoundly Retarded and met a young female patient there who
had practically nothing on?
A. When he went back to revisit nine months later she had a little moron.

Q. Did you hear the one about the redneck who couldn't tell the
difference between arson and incest?
A. He set fire to his sister.

Q. Why do men fart louder than woman?
A. Woman can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure.
Q: How do you know if the barman hates you.
A: When you find a string in your bloody Mary.

Q: How can you tell if a crab is an insomniac?
A: It only sleeps in snatches.

Q: What's the worst thing about washing your cat?
A: Getting the fur off your tongue afterwards.

====================

This guy is eating this prostitutes cunt and he says, "this
tastes like rice pudding?"
"That's what all the boys say, but it's really maggots."

 

[melody]

Shorties

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have
plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need
surgery to do that. I know how to do it without
surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make
them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

*0*0*0*0*0

A woman was walking down the street when she was stopped by a man who
was carrying out a survey.
"Excuse me, Madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards
sex."
"Really!" said the woman smiling.
"Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the television?"
"Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable,
especially when you've got a vase stuck up your ass"!

*0*0*0*0*0

Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudity

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

The difference between "hard core" and "soft core" pornography?
"Soft core" pornography is that which gives one a soft-on!

*0*0*0*0*0

Blonde Quickies!

Why did the blonde climb the chain link fence?
So she could see what was on the other side.

What does a blonde say when she finds out she is pregnant?
"Boy, I hope it's mine!"

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.

How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow stepped on her.

 

[melody]

The Fart List
Part 2


THE ANTICIPATED FART: This one warns that it is back there waiting for some
time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at
a time when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart.

THE BACK SEAT FART: This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified
chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an
.eased-out fart and not very loud. But its odor is foul, will give it away, due to the way air
moves around in a car. And then someone will say, who farted in the back seat?

THE BARRED OWL FART: A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart.
Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds
talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart
that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds
maniacal, you have heard the rare Barred Owl Fart.

THE BULLET FART: Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its
sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can
startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common
fart foods, such as beans.

THE COMMAND FART: This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be held
for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is
intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in
history class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any
questions.

THE COMMON FART: This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts what
the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing this fart any
further.