JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Rich Man, Poor man

Rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both
at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the Rich
man, "What'd you get your wife this year?"

He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring."

The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?"

The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back
happy."

The Poor man says, "O.K. That works."

The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?"

The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."

The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?"

The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck
herself!"

 

[melody]

The mortician calls Mrs. Jones, and says, "Excuse me Mrs. Jones, but I
can't seem to close the lid to your husband's coffin because he has a
huge erection." To which she replies, "Why don't you cut it off and
stick it up his ass? That's the only hole in town it hasn't been in."

 

[melody]

"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says.
"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
"The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live".
The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?".
The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that
blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up
to heaven?"
The patient nods his head and the doctor replies, "I'm fucking her."

 

[melody]

Q ~ Why did the rubber fly across the room???
A ~ Because it got pissed off!

Q ~ What is the difference between a Triscuit and a lesbian?
A ~ One is a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker!

Q ~ Why are professional golfers such lousy lovers?
A ~ Four strokes, and they're on to the next hole.

Q ~ What's the difference between a girls track team and a band of pygmies?
A ~ A band of pygmies is a bunch of cunning runts.

 

[melody]

I used to be overweight. A few years ago, I was waiting in
line at a bank. There was a mother and her little boy in
line behind me.

The little boy asked, "Hey Mister, how come you are so fat?"

I looked at him and replied "Well, every time I fucked your
mother, she gave me a biscuit."

 

[melody]

Man, Woman, Sleeping Compartment

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

 

[melody]

Cartwheeling for Cash

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.

The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

 

[melody]

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

 

[melody]

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

 

[melody]

Tight Skirt, Bus Stop

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

 

[melody]

I Like Your Thinking

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

 

[melody]

A little boy asked: "Daddy, how was I born?"
Ole Dad says: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway! Well you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room
on AOL

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom, and we met at a
cyber-cafe. We eventually sneaked into a secluded room, where your
mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we
discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was
too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little
pop-up appeared and said:.....'You've Got Male!' "

 

[melody]

A poor couple sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm going down to the bar for a bit, so put your coat on.''

The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''

The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''

 

[melody]

Q. Did you hear about the new Greek tampon?
A. It's called "Abzorba the Leak."

Q. How does James Bond like his pussy?
A. Shaven, not furred.

If little girls are made of sugar and spice. Why do they smell like sardines?

 

[melody]

A highly anal-retentive woman was shopping in a furniture
store for a new mattress. As she bent over to examine the
seventeenth mattress she had considered, she suddenly cut a
horrendous fart. "Exuse me," she said, embarassed, to the clerk
who was helping her.
"Hey, I'm used to it, lady," he said. "When you see the
price on that one, you'll shit."

 

[melody]

More Things Never To Say To A Man With A Small Dick

1. Look, it all fits in my mouth at once.
2. Were you neutered?
3. Deep throat??? I doubt it'll reach my tongue!!!
4. Can you get this pencil out of me now?
5. Stop fingering me and fuck me.
6. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your dick.
7. I'm sorry.
8. I think there's a dildo around here somewhere.
9. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
10. Let me know when you're done.
11. Does it come with an air pump?
12. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
13. Did you date Lorena Bobbett?
14. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
15. Aww, it's hiding.
16. Are you cold?
17. I didn't know they came that small.
18. If you get me real drunk first.
19. Is that an optical illusion?
20. Who circumcised you?
21. Wow, and your feet are so big.
22. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
23. Nevermind, why bother.
24. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
25. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
26. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
27. (giggle and point)
28. Can I be honest with you?
29. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
30. Let me go get my tweezers.
31. How sweet, you brought incense.
32. But it still works right?
33. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!

 

[melody]

An ode to the hole
That never heals.
The more you touch it
The better it feels.
You can rub it
And scrub it
And brush it like hell,
But you will never get rid
Of that fucking fish smell.

 

[melody]

SO THE BLIND DATE WENT BADLY?
Clasp his/her hand tenderly as you part and say:

"THIS IS THE BEST TIME I'VE HAD SINCE..."
(choose one of the following)

a.) "the night my car broke down near the dairy farm,
and I pissed on the electric fence."

b.) "my last mammogram, when the machine jammed..."

c.) "my date's vasectomy leaked on my new suede skirt..."

d.) "the IRS audit denied Grandma as a dependent, just
because she runs a little 'massage parlor' in the basement."

e.) "my ex-husband stopped by to introduce me to his
boy friend..."

f.) "my girl friend dumped me, and I spent the weekend
watching the roaches drive off the kitchen rats..."

g.) "that ski weekend I bunked with 2 really cute
babes... engaged to each other."

h.) "the night before my budget presentation, when
Rover crapped on my laptop PC..."

i.) "my date got sick, and had me take out her cousin
Brunhilda. Did you ever see a women wrestler crack
walnuts in her armpit?"

 

[melody]

http://img375.imageshack.us/img375/352/download1505942bq1.gif

 

[melody]

The Five Toughest Female Questions Are:

What are you thinking about?
Do you love me?
Do I look fat?
Do you think she is prettier than me?
What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Al Rules!!

Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

* Inappropriate responses include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.")
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: Yes, I would.

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her drive my car?
MAN: No, she can't drive a 5-speed!