JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he saw a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices he has a note in his mouth.

He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb,please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well".

The butcher looks inside and, behold, a ten dollar note. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button.

Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks around to the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.

The butcher, by now, open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery.

Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.

Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house.

He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself against the door.

He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and again, it throws himself against it.

There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him.

The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. "What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!" to which the guy responds:

"You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his key."

----Moral of the story----

You may continue to exceed onlookers' expectations but shall always fall short of the boss's expectations!! It's dog's life after all.........*
 
The Old Religion

*You still think the secret problem of priests is alcoholism.
*You think "No meat on Fridays" has nothing to do with oral sex.
*You remember the days of alter boys instead of altered boys.
*You think "Mother Superior" is more than a term of hooker endearment.
*You think the primacy of Peter had nothing to do Lorena Bobbit.
*You remember when a red sash around a priest's waist did not mean he was gay.
*You remember when kneelers were in church, not in the Oval Office.
*You remember when Cardinals were birds of pray, not prey.
*You remember when Holy Water was not from golden showers.
*You remember when "Love one another" did not mean "Orgy Time!"
*You remember when Amazing Grace was not the name of every tenth stripper.
*You remember when "Father" was a religious title, not the results of a court-ordered DNA test.
 
Guys You've Met In The Men's Room

Excitable - Shorts half twisted around, can't find hole, rips shorts.

Sociable - Joins friends and pisses whether he has to or not, figures it
doesn't cost anything.

Cross-eyed - Looks in the urinal on the left, pisses in the middle, and
flushes the one on the right.

Timid - Can't piss if someone is watching. Flushes and comes back later.

Indifferent - All urinals are being used, pisses in sink.

Clever - Look Ma, no hands! Fixes tie, looks around and pisses on floor.

Worried - Not sure if he has been in lately, stops in for a quick check.

Frivolous - Plays stream up, down, and across urinals, tries to hit a
bug on the wall.

Childish - Pisses directly in the bottom of urinal, likes to see it
bubble.

Absent-minded - Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

Sneak - Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows guy in
next stall will get blamed.

Patient - Stands very close for a long time waiting, reads a newspaper
with his free hand.

Desperate - Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

Tough - Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

Efficient - Waits until he has to crap, then does both.

Fat - Backs up and takes long shot at urinal, pisses on his shoe.

Drunk - Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

Disgruntled - Stands waiting for a long time, gives up, walks away.

Conceited - Holds two inch dick like baseball bat.
 
Q: What's White and falls from the sky?
A: The coming of the lord!

Q: What's the worst thing about eating a bald pussy?
A: Putting the diaper back on.
 
Three Hillbillies are sitting on their porch in Arkansas One says: "Boy
is my wife dumb. She's so stupid that she went shoppin' today and
bought an air-conditioner. Hell, we ain't got no electricity." The
others laugh.

Then the other guy says: "Ah, that ain't nothin', my wife's dumber than
that! She went shoppin' yesterday and had a washin' machine
delivered." They all laughed and laughed cause nobody around there had
plumbing!

The third Hillbilly, Billy, said: "Well, I reckon my woman got to be the
dumbest. Just this morning I was lookin' in her purse for some change
and found six rubbers. Hell, she ain't got no dick!"
 
*INTERNET PARKING NOTICE*

Offender : You!

Date: Today

Time: 3:00 a.m.

Offence # : in front of the computer TOO LONG!

Details of Offence : During our routine sweep of the Internet we, the Internet Police, have discovered that you have been on your chair in front of the computer TOO LONG!

You are HEREBY ORDERED to clean up that pile of cups, cans, wrappers and papers on your desk (yes, we can see you - sit up straight!) and after you have logged into the real world for a minimum of ten minutes you may log back on to the Internet. Failure to comply may result in loss of reality, carpal tunnel syndrome, and the requirement of a larger chair.

The timer starts NOW!

Get off your butt - you'll thank us for it later
 
Compete to see who is the fastest

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals:

1. King Kong
2. Ape
3. Orangutan
4. Monkey

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree. Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality. So think carefully .
Try and answer within 30 seconds

Got your answer?

Now scroll down to see the analysis.


































If your answer is:. . .



Orangutan .you're dull & normal
Ape......... ..... you're a moron
Monkey...... .worse, you're an idiot
King Kong ...you're hopelessly stupid

Why?. . .
A Coconut tree doesn't have bananas!
Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
Take some time off, relax and try again next year .
 
Software Engineer........

A software engineer was smoking in office.

Girl says, Cant you see the warning? "smoking is injurious to health"

the engineer says........ ...










Any guesses !!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!

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We bother only about Errors not Warnings !!!!
 
Sex Pills

There once was a man who could not keep it going with his wife.

He went to the doctor who gave him some sex pills. There was a label on the bottle that said "Take one pill for a great night." The man thought that he wanted a stupendous night so he downed the whole bottle.

In the morning the neighbors came over to find the man's son sitting on the porch crying.

"What's wrong?" they said. The boy replied, "Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my butt hurts and dad's in the basement yelling 'here kitty"
 
This guy is eating this prostitutes cunt and he says, "this
tastes like rice pudding?"

"That's what all the boys say, but it's really maggots."
 
Whore House Slogans

1. More Fuck for your Buck!

2. More Honey for your Money!

3. More Gash for your Cash!

4. More Hole for your Pole!

5. More Head for your Bread!

6. More Booty for your Looty!

7. More Strange for your Change!

8. She'll Wear a Collar for a Dollar!

9. Will suck for a buck!

10.We'll Tally Whack Your Ban !
 
For a lark this strip joint has a contest, for the smelliest
cunt contest. So this Fat disgusting chick shows up with
her husband. She's so fat and lazy she has to be assisted
by her husband to the cunt stand. She blows the doors
out of this place because her cunt is so smelly. She wins
hands down. Her brave husband had stuck with her and
accepted the check for winning the contest. The
management couldn't help but ask, how do you stand the
smell. He says, "well when she first died two weeks ago,
it was pretty bad, but you get used to it."
 
To get the full effect, this should be read aloud.


You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation.
This was nominated for the best email of 2005 .


The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia,
which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): 'Morrin. Roon sirbees.'
Guest (G): 'Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.'

RS: ' Rye ..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??'
G: 'Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs.'
RS: 'Ow July den?'
G: 'What??'
RS: 'Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?'
G: 'Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.'
RS: 'Ow July dee baykem? Crease?'
G: 'Crisp will be fine.'
RS: 'Hokay.. An Sahn toes?'
G: 'What?'
RS: 'An toes. July Sahn toes?'
G: 'I don't think so..'
RS: 'No? Judo wan sahn toes??'
G: 'I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means.'
RS: 'Toes! Toes!....Why Jew don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?'
G: 'English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.'
RS: 'We bodder?'
G: 'No...just put the bodder on the side.'
RS: 'Wad?'
G: 'I mean butter...just put it on the side.'
RS: 'Copy?'
G: 'Excuse me?'
RS: 'Copy...tea...meel?'
G: 'Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all.'
RS: 'One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??'
G: 'Whatever you say.'
RS: 'Tenjewberrymuds.'
G : 'You're very welcome..'
 
"Mom, I Had Sex!"

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day.
His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.

She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"

"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"

The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."

"That's right, Dad."

"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."

"That sounds great, Dad, but can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."
 
Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover,
"Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"

His roommate lubes up his finger and shoves it up Bruce's ass.
He feels all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."

So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass.
He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."
Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
 
Phone call between emergency room doctor and worried husband:

"Sir, I have bad news and good news."

"What's the bad news?"

"Your wife was in a serious car accident. Her face was peeled off, she lost all use of both arms and
both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

"Oh my God. What's the good news?"

"I'm kidding. She's dead."
 
Myrddin & Thorn

Myrddin was in the corner bar having a few when his friend Thorn
stopped in and joined him.

It didn't take long for Thorn to notice a string hanging out of
the back of Myrddin's shirt collar that his friend kept tugging on.

Finally Thorn couldn't contain his curiosity, and asked, "What's
that string for?"

"Two weeks ago I had a date with that dish Rosey," Myrddin
explained, "and when I got her into the sack, would you
believe I couldn't perform? Made me so mad that I tied
this string to my dick, and every time I think of how it
let me down, I pull the string and make it kiss my ass."
 
Two men are approaching each other on a pavement in America. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."
 
There was this old couple that had been married a long time. Being of advanced years, they hadn't had sex in a while, so the wife decides to go out and buy some crotch-less underwear. She goes home, puts them on and goes downstairs where her husband is watching TV. She tries to get his attention, but all he's interested in is the sports channel. Finally, she goes and sits on the floor in front of him with her legs wide open, saying, "Do you want some of this?" The husband looks at her in horror and replies, "Bloody hell no, look what it's done to your underwear!"
 
There was this old couple that had been married a long time. Being of advanced years, they hadn't had sex in a while, so the wife decides to go out and buy some crotch-less underwear. She goes home, puts them on and goes downstairs where her husband is watching TV. She tries to get his attention, but all he's interested in is the sports channel. Finally, she goes and sits on the floor in front of him with her legs wide open, saying, "Do you want some of this?" The husband looks at her in horror and replies, "Bloody hell no, look what it's done to your underwear!"

Kahkahkah...very hardcore this one...five star weh...
 

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