JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Good Girls; Bad Girl's And Naughty Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Naughty girls unbutton your pants

Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack

Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Naughty girls do it with whips and chains

Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
Naughty girls don't really give a shit

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Naughty girls want a "pearl necklace "

Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Naughty girls pack their dildos

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection

Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Naughty girls make you wear high heels

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Naughty girls have sex all over the place

Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra

Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Naughty girls don't say anything, they just moan and scream a lot.

Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
Naughty girls go to the party, hit on every guy there and then go home with two of them.

 

[melody]

Anniversary

She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do.

You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out'..."

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looked up at her, and replied, "Mission accomplished."

=====

"When I see a monk's ass I just grab it."
Said the lazily amorous abbot.
"Although it's more fun,
To have sex with a nun,
It's so hard to get into the habit!"

 

[melody]

Bunk Beds

A guy nearing the end of his senior year in high school unfortunately still has to share a room with his brother who is only 9 years old.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.

They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already on the lower bunk.

So he and his girlfriend climbed into the top bunk. As you expected, things began to heat up.

The guy remembers that his brother is sleeping below, so he tells his girlfriend to whisper, "Lettuce" if she wants it harder, and "Tomato" if she wants a new position.

She screams, "Lettuce! Tomato! Lettuce! Tomato! Lettuce! Whoa!!! Pull It Out Now! I Can't Get Pregnant!"

Then the little brother shouts, "Hey, would you two guys stop making sandwiches up there!

You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!"

=====

There was a young man of Adair
Who thought he would diddle a mare.
He climbed up a ladder
And jolly well had her,
With his backside a-wave in the air.


There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"

 

[melody]

GUYS SUCK......And Let Me Tell You Why

A Female Says...

FARTING - How come it's cool for you to do it and
disgusting if we do it. And must you lift your
leg?

JOCK-ITCH - Get help! Do you see us scratch?
We don't want to see you scratch either.

PORNOS - Why do you want to see other guys
getting what you can't.
By the way, it's not good for our skin.

PICK UP LINES - Not!
DOUBLE STANDARDS - If you can do it, why the hell
can't we?

HONESTY - Learn the concept. It is a good thing.

SENSITIVITY - Get some!!!!

DEODORANT - It's only small change at the corner
store. Buy it.

LOCKER ROOMS - Hello.....air freshner.

HEADS - We know you have two. Keep one in your
pants and get the other out of your ass.

You can't beat up everyone who looks at us.

Being drunk is not an excuse to sleep with any
thing on legs.

Believe me, sex is NOT number one and you are NOT
number one at it.

Why must you tell ALL of your friends about
everything you do with a girl? They all had the
same DREAM last night anyway.

Do not blame everything we do on P.M.S. You
should be glad we're not pregnant.

Try matching your maturity level to your age.

We are NOT objects. We have feelings, thoughts
and ideas. We can even form words like "FUCK
YOU!!!"

There is more to life than playing cards and
video games - How old are you??

Why do we have to look good and you can look like
shit?

Can we eat like humans - utensils were made
especially for this purpose. Ever heard of
knives, forks, and spoons? How about napkins?
(This does not include shirt sleeves.)

WAKE UP CALL! - Wasting a ton of money on tuition
every year to get drunk, get laid, and play
sports is fucking retarded. If you're interested,
become a professional athlete and at least GET
PAID for it.

I am not putting myself through school to carry
your sorry, lazy ass through life.

BIRTHDAYS - If you can remember the size of your
cock to the exact millimeter, then you can
remember our birthday.

Rulers were not made to measure your genitalia.
They were not made that small. Why measure it
anyway? There will always be someone bigger and
believe me, we can find him.

Romance is not three seconds of sweat and nothing
and then rolling over and going to sleep.

The one thing you are good for, you are not good
at!

Remember Meg Ryan's famous 'faking an orgasm
scene'? Sound familiar?

When we say we're lost without you, we're
probably high.

When you screw up, a rose would suffice, but if
it's not too much trouble, a dozen would be
nice.

WANDERING EYES - We know you look. Try not to
make it so obvious.

GET A CLUE! - When we say "HARDER!, FASTER!"
we're not referring to your breathing pattern.


To the FEW nice guys who don't apply to these
statements and never get the time of day,
here's a note of hope.....WE'LL WISE UP SOONER OR
LATER AND YOU'LL GET YOUR CHANCE. HANG IN THERE.

 

[melody]

Kenny, Stinko Drunk

Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me
back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but
knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent
back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and
clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until
he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Kenny

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting on the bed!!!

 

[melody]

Clucking

Harry was kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?......and who are you?" he asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.....I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own..."
Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow........then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"
"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked. "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Harry, for Gods sake wake up! You're shitting all over the bed."

=====

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study out about women and how they feel
about their asses.
I thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too fat..

10% of women think their ass is too skinny...

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him,
he's a good man,
and they would have married him anyway.

 

[melody]

AN ARTIFICIAL LEG

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his artificial leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancée' about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his artificial leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmmm," she said softly, "That IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"

=====

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra.
The mom asks, "Why on earth do you need that?"
The little boy replies,"Isn't that what you give dad when HIS shit won't get hard?!"

 

[melody]

He Said.....She Said

He said... Want a quickie?
She said...As opposed to what?
===
He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put
in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
===
He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I'd love you no matter who left you the
money.
===
She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
===
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to
you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
===
He said... 'If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then
we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house,
we could fire the maid as well.'
She said...'Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we
could do without the gardener too'
===
He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be a queen'
===
On wall in ladies room: 'My husband follows me everywhere'
Written just below it: 'I do not'
===
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
===
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway
light on.
===
He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
===
He said... Every time women look at me, they can't help thinking
of sex.
She said...Yeah, 'cause you look like a prick.
===
He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart."
_______

Ok, it's official. I'm getting old.

The other day I was walking back to my car from the grocery store.
Coming into the store was this smoking hot 19, maybe 20 year old,
blonde. God, she was hot.

My thought? "I wonder what her mother looks like.

 

[melody]

Fertilizer Club

This letter is being sent to you because we know that you are critically interested in the condition of your lawn. This is a fertilizer club that will not cost you a cent to join! Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of the list and shit on their front lawn. You will not be the only one there, so do not feel embarrassed.

Then make five copies of this letter and send them to five of your friends who appreciate a good lawn. Add your name to the letter. You will not get any money or checks, but within one week , if this chain is not broken, there will be 9,126 people shitting on your lawn. Your reward will come next spring when you will have one of the greenest, most beautiful lawns in the neighborhood.

Mrs. Harry Butt - 236 Corn Cob Alley
Mrs. Smelly B. Hind - 475 Diarrhea Way
Mrs. Apple Crop - 1422 Enema Drive
Mrs. Bigger Movement - 89 Rectum Road
Mr. Go More Piles - 741 Hemorrhoid Street
Mr. C. Howie Farts - Whistle Britches Ave.
Mr. & Mrs. Charlie Springer - 2 Suppository Lane
Mr. & Mrs. Took A. Fizzik - 634 Running Loose Lane

P.S. If you are constipated, pass this along to your neighbor. Don’t break the chain. One Man didn’t give a shit and lost his entire lawn. Best wishes for a greener lawn, and more fun at your lawn parties!!!

=====

Though I don't carry all that much girth
Fucking women is Heaven on Earth
When up go their knees
And the way that they squeeze
Just milks me for all that it's worth!

 

[melody]

Bus Trip

A group of young women decided to arrange for a camp with their mothers-in-law to hopefully get to know and understand each other better. Two buses were hired, one

for the mothers-in-law, and the other for the daughters-in-law.
Unfortunately the bus with the mothers-in-law was involved in an accident and all the passengers died on the spot.
The daughters-in-law (women being women) shed a few tears but they were all puzzled by one sister who wailed uncontrollably for what they perceived to be her loss.
Her friend asked her, "Forgive me for asking, but why are you crying so hard; I didn't realize you were so close to your mother-in-law?"
To which she replied, "No we're not close at all...she missed the bus!"

=====

"My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," reports Sadie to her
friend Sophie. "She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant,
has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends."
"Oh, my daughter's a whore too."

=====

Q: How can you tell if you've stumbled into a lesbian bar?
A: Even the pool tables don't have balls.

Q: What does a lesbian do when her secretary makes a mistake?
A: Gives her a good tongue-lashing.
Q: Why are faggots such pricks?
A: You are what you eat.

 

[melody]

Rules To Determine If Sex Counts

Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex
counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if
you
have cheated on your spouse or significant other.

1. Oral Sex does not count.

2. If you can't remember the person's name the following
day, doesn't count.

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more
sex, doesn't count

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn't count

5. Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another
thing you share

6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave
my legs for this", doesn't count

7. An old flame, doesn't count

8. An ex-spouse, doesn't count, refer to this as a
"pity fuck"

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the
same, sorry, not sex...not cheating

10. Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation

11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex

12. Kissing body parts is not cheating

13. An act to make a married person feel good about them-
selves, not sex, BUT only if you do not know their
significant other

14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't
count

15. An act committed with a family member of your significant
other, doesn't count, this should be referred to as "a
skeleton in the family closet "...not cheating

16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn't count (why
should it, it was public, right?)

17. Phone sex, doesn't count, refer back to "glorified
masturbation"

18. In car, doesn't count, way too cramped, if vehicle is
in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts,
way too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act
was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1

19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter
did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn't
count

20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not
been exchanged (pull 'n pray method of birth control)
doesn't count

21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn't count
(not considered to be intimate)...not cheating

22. Any act in which "you do all the work", doesn't count

23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn't
count, this should be referred to as "being neighborly"

24. Any act committed with an acquaintance because you are
angry with your significant other doesn't count

25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't
count, this should be considered "getting acquainted".

26. An act with a US President doesn't count, unless the
Senate votes impeachment.

27. Any act with your boss, doesn't count, just considered
career enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.

SEX does count if a pregnancy, or a social disease results!

 

[melody]

Pet Rooster

A farmer and a pet rooster went everywhere together.

One day they went to a movie and as the farmer got close to the ticket window the clerk said, "I'm sorry but you can't take animals into the theater."

The man looked sad and said "But this is my pet rooster, Clucky. He goes wherever I go."

"Oh, I understand. But if that is the case, you should not come in either."

The farmer sighed and said, "Well this time I will leave him in the truck!”

So the farmer went around the corner and stuffed Clucky down his pants.

He then went back, got his ticket, went into the theater, and sat down next to two old ladies.

About halfway through the movie Clucky started struggling so the farmer unzipped his pants to let him stick his head out.

The first old lady saw this and turned to her friend and whispered, "Patsy, you’re not going to believe this but the man next to me has just unzipped his pants and let his thing out."

Patsy turned to her friend and said, "Well just ignore him. Besides, at our age, we've seen plenty."

"Well normally I would agree with you, but this one eating my popcorn!"
=====
A blonde is racing to her convertible as it begins to rain. All of the sudden, she screams "NO, NO!!!!"

A man standing near by rushed to her aid. "What's wrong?"

The blonde said, "I locked the keys in the car and the top's down!"

 

[melody]

Fancy Restaurant

A well dressed woman in a fancy restaurant was just getting served her
dinner when she let rip a horrendous fart. Embarrassed, she turned immediately
to the waiter and snapped, "Waiter! Stop that this instant!"
"Very well, Madam," the waiter replied with professional cool. "And
in just what direction do you think your fart was headed?"
=====

Daffynition: Wife - an attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework
done.

Daffynition: Orgasm - a gland finale.

Daffynition - Fart: a Greek love call.

=====

A blonde just got married and decided to fuck the brains
out of her new husband on their first night together. She put on
her sexiest negligee, crawled into bed with him, and snuggled up.
But nothing happened.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"I can't have sex...it's Lent."
"Lent? To whom and for how long?"

=====

A precocious ten year old girl came into her mother's
bedroom and asked, "Mommy, can I have a baby?"
"Why, of course not!" her mother shrieked.
The girl ran out of the room smiling and her mother soon
heard her yelling as she ran back outside the house, "OK, guys, we
can play that game some more!"

 

[melody]

Disabled Swimming

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest for invalids.
The first lacks one arm, the second has only two legs, and the third
one has no legs and no arms.
They all line up, the whistle blows, and with a splash
they're all in the pool. The first guy takes the lead instantly
but the guy with no arms is closing very fast. The third one sank
straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later the guy with no arms
finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of
the pool, so he decides to dive down to rescue the poor guy.
He picks him up, swims back up to the surface and places him
at the side of the pool, whereupon the limbless guy starts coughing
and spluttering. Then he shouts: "Three fuckung years I've spent
learning to swim with my ears then, two minutes before the whistle,
some son-of-a-bitch puts a swimming cap on my head!"

=====

The new patient began describing his problem to the shrink
from his horizontal position on the couch. "You see, doc, I have
this recurring fantasy about having sex with a horse."
"Oh? Mare or stallion?"
"Hey, wait a minute! What do you think I am, some kind of
pervert or something?"

 

[melody]

Naughty Shorties

A woman was walking down the street when she was stopped by a man who
was carrying out a survey.
"Excuse me, Madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards
sex."
"Really!" said the woman smiling.
"Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the television?"
"Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable,
especially when you've got a vase stuck up your ass"!

=====

A Policeman pulls a blonde in a sports car over for speeding and is trying to explain to her what and where her driver's license might be. After she eventually gives him her driver's license, he asks for registration.
Getting another blank blonde look from her, he explains, "It's that little piece of paper you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment."
"Ah," she says as she bends over to get it. While she is looking through the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his cock out.
Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, "Oh, no! Not another breathalizer test!"

=====

"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician
solicitously.
"Nah," replied the blonde mother to be.
"He and my husband don't get along."

=====

Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened to mention that he had gotten circumcised last week.
"Can I see it?" asked the second gay guy, so he promptly dropped his pants to show off his penis operation.
"Oooh," squealed his friend, "You look ten years younger!"

 

[melody]

Summer The Virgin

He wanted many things in a wife, but above all he wanted one who was a virgin. Falling madly in love with Summer, he decided to test her.

At a drive-in one night, he leaned over and asked, "Would you like to see my pee-pee?"

As he unzipped his fly, Summer covered her eyes. "No! No! Please put it back!"

Thrilled, he deemed Summer worthy of being his bride, and immediately proposed to her. On their wedding night, he was keenly anticipating the delight of introducing Summer to sex.

When she came to bed, he unzipped his fly and took out his member.

Summer smiled, "Oooooh...what a nice pee-pee."

He stroked her hair. "My dear, the first thing you must learn is that it really isn't called a pee-pee. It's called a cock."

"No," Summer said, studying it, "That's a pee-pee. A cock is long, fat and like Bubba's!!"

=====

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked
out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked
the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc
you Amelicans, too!"

 

[melody]

Twisted Penis

Ed and Ted are standing side by side at urinals when Ed glances down and sees that Ted's dick is twisted like a corkscrew.

Ed says, "I've never seen one like that before."

Ted says, "Like what?"

Ed says, "All twisted, like a pig's tail."

Ted says, "What's yours like?"

Ed says, "Straight, like normal."

Ted says, "I thought mine was normal 'til I saw yours."

Ed finishes and starts shaking his prick.

Ted says, "What'd you do that for?"

Ed says, "I was shaking out the last few drops."

Ted says, "Wow... and to think that all these years I've been wringing mine out."

=====

A man went into a bookstore and asked the young woman working the counter, "Do you have the new book for men with short penises?"

"Hmmm. I'm not sure if it's in yet." she replied.

"That's the one! I'll take a copy."

=====

Henry and Doris were sitting in the lounge of the old folks' home one evening, Henry in his pajamas and dressing gown.

Doris whispered, "Henry! Do yourself up properly; your willy's sticking out!"

Henry looked down, and said, "Don't flatter yourself, dear. My willy is HANGING out!"

=====

He says, "Hey Dad! What are you doing?"

His father says, "I'm filling your mother's tank."

Johnny says,"Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning."

 

[melody]

Bingo

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband
in bed fucking another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing
him off the balcony of their 20th-floor assisted-living apartment,
killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on a charge of murder, she was asked if she had
anything to say in her defense. "Your Honor", she began coolly, "I
figured that at 92, if he could fuck, he could fly."

=====

Little Johnny is flying his plane, with his co-pilot and a load of
sheep. The route is long and the weather is abominable. Nearing their
destination Little Johnny realizes that the fuel is insufficient. He
worriedly asks his co-pilot what he thinks they should do.

"I'm afraid we are just not going to make it Little Johnny. We must
prepare to jump." advises the co-pilot.

Little Johnny asks, "What about the sheep?"

"FUCK THE SHEEP!" replies the co-pilot.

"Do you really think we have time?" Little Johnny says.

=====

Q: Why is it so hard for women to piss in the morning?
A: Ever try to pull apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Q: How do you say Richard and Robert raped a Rabbit without putting any
R's in it?
A: Dick and Bob fucked a bunny!!!

 

[melody]

Nasty Limericks

There once was a man from Briton
Who said to his girl, you're a tight 'n
She cried 'pon my soul
You're in the wrong hole
There's plenty of room in the right one.
==================================
There once was a guy called Reg
Who fucked a girl in a hedge
Then along came his wife
With a big carving knife
And cut off his meat and two veg.
==================================
There once was a man named booker
Who only like to fuck hookers.
One day at the loft
His dick fell off
And now he's only a looker.
==================================
There once was a girl from Seattle
Whose hobby was sucking off cattle
A bull from the south
Left a wad in her mouth
That made her ovaries rattle.
==================================
There once was a man named Fred,
He was in search of getting head.
He went to Dallas,
And found a Pussy Palace,
And settled for that instead!!
==================================
There once was a young man named Sweeney
Who's girl was a terrible meany.
Her snatch had a hatch
With a catch that would latch,
And she could only be screwed by Houdini!

 

[melody]

A French/Canadian Man Named Jacques

One summer a few years ago, a middle age French-Canadian man named
Jacques decided to vacation on the coast of Maine. While soaking up
some sun on the beach, a very pretty girl caught his eye and his sexual
desires. He immediately got up, ran to her, grabbed her by the hand and
brought her to his hotel room.

There he had sex with her and then sent the young lady on her way. She
immediately reported this to the police and Jacques was arrested.

On his court date the judge asked him if he understood the nature of the
crime he committed against the young lady. Jacques looked at the judge
with a bewildered look and said, "Non!! Hi don't understand! Hin my
country you grab de pretty girl, bring her to de hotel room, BOOM-BOOM,
give hit to her den let her go! Hit's O.K.!!!"

"Sir", the judge said, "in THIS country if you are to have sex with a
lady, you must have her permission first, or it is considered rape. You
must have her consent!"

After hearing this, Jacques turned around and mysteriously looked at the
judge and exclaimed, "CUNTSCENT!!! Hi got her cuntscent!!! Hi got her
cuntscent on my fingers, cuntscent on my mustache, hi got her cuntscent
everywhere!!!

=====

Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.

Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.