JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Dr. Chang

A woman is very distraught because she hasn't had a
date or any sex in quite sometime. Concerned that she
may have something wrong with her, she decides to
employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her
family doctor recommends Dr. Chang, a well-known
Chinese sex therapist.
The next day, the woman enters the examination room,
and Dr. Chang says, "Okay, take off all your crose."
The woman thinks nothing of the doctor's request,
considering she is in a doctor's office, after all.
Then, Dr. Chang says, "Now, get down and crawl reery
fass to the other side of room."
The reluctant woman complies. She gets down onto the
floor and crawls to the other side of the room.
The doctors holds back a smirk, slowly shakes his head,
and says, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary
Disease. Worse case I ever see. That why you not haf
sex or dates."
Confused, the woman asks, "What in the world is this
Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang replies, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary
rike your ass."

=====

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they
don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because
their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump
women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't
know.....it never happened)

And my personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

 

[melody]

Murphy's Laws On Sex

*The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave
her with no hard feelings.

*Nothing improves with age.

*No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because
it'll never be quite the same again.

*Sex has no calories.

*Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of
trouble.

*There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

*Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

*No sex with anyone in the same office.

*Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or
how long it is going to last.

*Virginity can be cured.

*Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

*The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same
ones she can't stand years later.

*Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

*It is always the wrong time of month.

*When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

*Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't
either.

*Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop
failure.

*The younger the better.

*Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

*Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

*Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

*If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into
our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

*Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is a matter of physics.

*Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter
words to convey its full meaning.

*You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

*Thou shall not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.

*A woman never forgets the men she could have had. A man, the women he
couldn't.

*What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

*A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

*Love comes in spurts.

*Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant.

*Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

*Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

 

[melody]

Dr. Smith

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging
her breasts. He told her, "Everyday when you get out of the shower,
rub your nipples and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger
boobies".

So she did this faithfully for several months, and it worked!

She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late and when she was on the bus she
realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved
her new boobs and didn't want to lose them. So she got up, right in
the middle of the bus, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies I want bigger
boobies."

A guy was sitting nearby and asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any
chance?"

"Why yes, I do. How did you know?"

He leaned toward her and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock".

=====

Darrell walks into his doctor's office and the receptionist gives him a form to fill out and asks him what his problem is.
Darrell replied, I've got something wrong with my cock."
"Please watch your language!" scolds the receptionist. "There are women and children in the waiting room."
Darrell leaves the office, only to return a few minutes later and said to the receptionist, "I've got a problem with my ear."
"Now that's much better," says the receptionist. "What wrong with your ear?"
"I can't piss out of it!"

 

[melody]

Kidnapped

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money,
She decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him
Behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde
And then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped
Your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and
Place it under the pecan tree next to the playground.
Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and
Sent him home to show his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and
Surely enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde
Opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,

"How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

=====

There are at least EIGHT types of ORGASM of a WOMAN.

1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes..................

2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No....................

3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No............

4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming.............

5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God.........................

6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More.....................

7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you...

8. The Submariner - Mmm...OHHH...Deeper...Go DEEPER !! :-)

9. The Fake - Oh Paul! Oh Paul!

 

[melody]

Sensuality

Lying still,
not allowed to move,
the ties
hold me captive.
Breathy moans
pass my lips,
quivering,
shivering.
Your tongue
and lips,
dancing
over my skin.
Sucking here,
nibbling there.
Licking here,
biting there.
Kissing here,
nipping there.
Teasing
Pleasing
Whimpers
turn to moans
and my body squirms.
You take me higher,
exploring the warmth
of my sweet flesh.
Nibble the ears,
nip the neck.
Sucking and chewing,
you mark me as yours.
Tongue gliding,
traveling.
Sucking my nipples,
teasing,
tonguing them,
to hardened peeks,
of inflamed desire.
Exploring my breasts,
your tongue travels
down,
down.
Licking my belly.
Tongue
circling my button.
Dipping inside.
I quiver,
wanting more.
Anticipating the path
your tongue is taking.
Breath hot,
tongue tracing,
full puffy outer lips.
Licking the moistness
tasting my juices.
Then
your tongue
licking,
darting,
teasing,
dancing,
over my clit.
Teeth nipping,
nibbling.
Tongue
stabbing,
thrusting,
probing,
seeking,
deep inside.
Moans
become screams,
as my passion builds.
I beg for release.
Yes,
cum,
cum for me sweet pet.
Cum for your Master.
You cry.
With a gush,
I cum.
Washing your face
with my sweet juices.
You drink deeply
of my gift.
Shivering,
shuddering,
trembling,
whimpering,
moaning,
slowly calming,
as you caress me down.
Kissing you
deep.
Tasting myself
upon your mouth.
Uhmmmmm,
so good.

=====

~ Author unknown
Some may think that in the female animal kingdom only humans experience
orgasm. But scientific evidence suggests that female rabbits, female
ferrets and strangely enough, even female snails all apparently
experience orgasm.

 

[melody]

A group of blind lesbians were bunchin'
Together to have a big luncheon.
But no one could tell,
Except by the smell,
Exactly whose cunt each was munchin'!

=====

This bloke walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a meal.
Two girls come in and sit at a table near him.

"Waiter," says the bloke. "A bottle of your finest wine for my two
friends here."

"Look mate," replied the waiter. "They're lesbians. You won't get
anywhere with them."

The bloke insisted on the wine and the waiter shrugs and says, "It's
your bloody money but I warned you."

One of the girls comes over to his table and thanks him for the wine.

"That's OK," he replies. "Anything for you two beautiful girls."

"Right," she says. "So do you fancy my friend?"

"I sure do," he replies.

"Would you like to smell her pussy?" she asks.

"Yeah," he gasps "You bet!" So she breathed on him!

=====
In order to save on vacation costs, two secretaries are rooming
together.

On the first night Jill turns to her friend Sally, puts her hand on her
shoulder, and says, "There's something
I've been meaning to tell you about myself. I'll be frank, I'm a
lesbian."
"That's OK," says Sally. "I'll be Frank tomorrow night, I'm a lesbian
too."

=====

Q: How many screws are there in a lesbian's coffin?
A: None, it's all tongue-in-groove, with no studs.

Q: What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
A: You know, we do taste like chicken.

Q: Did you hear about the lesbian who took Viagra?
A: She couldn't get her tongue back in her mouth for a week!

Q: What do you call a thick fingered lesbian?
A: Well hung.

Q: Why are lesbians fatter than straight women?
A: Because they're always eating out and don't do dick.

Q: What do two lesbians do when they're both menstruating?
A: Finger-paint.

Q: What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?
A: Klondike.

Q: Why were lesbians invented?
A: So feminists wouldn't breed.

 

[melody]

Rude Song lyrics

Abraham Lincoln Rhyme
Abraham Lincoln was a good old man. He hopped out the window with his dick in hand. he said, "Excuse me ladies, just doing my duty so why not pull down your pants and give me some booty."

Mary Mary Rhyme
Mary Mary quite contrary shaved her pussy cause it was so damn hairy.
Row Your Boat Song
Roll, roll, roll your joint twist it at the end, take a puff, that's enough and pass it to a friend.

Jack and Jill Went Up The Hill Rhyme
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana, Jack got high, unzipped his fly, and Jill said "I don't wanna"
Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.

I'm A Little Penis Rhyme
I'm a little penis,
Long and hard,
If you want to see it,
Come in my yard,
When I get all horny,
Then I spurt,
Push me in,
And pull me out!

Jack Rhyme
Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack burnt off his little Dick!

Mother Hubbard Rhyme
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cubbard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over,
Rover took over
And the bitch got a bone of her own!

Peter Peter Rhyme
Peter peter pumpkin eater
had a wife loved to beat her
smacked her twice across the head
fucked her ass and went to bed

Mary Had A Little Lamb Rhyme
Mary had a little lamb
she kept it in her back yard
when she took her panties off
his wooly dick got hard

Hickory Dickory Dock
Hickory Dickory Dock
The bitch was suckin my cock
The clock struck two
I dropped my goo
And dropped the bitch off at the next block!

Little Boy Blue
Little boy blue,
he needed the money.

Little Bow Peep
Little bow peep fucked a sheep
blew a horse, licked his feet,
she ate his ass so very nice
tongued his balls not once but twice.

Mary Had A Little Lamb Rhyme
Marry had a little lam
it's fleece was black as coal,
and every time it jump a fence
you could see it's pink asshole.

 

[melody]

Hysterical

Jack and Jill went up the hill
For just an itty bitty.
Jill’s now two months overdue,
And Jack has left the city
=====
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his front teeth are missing
=====
Jack and Jill went up the hill
so Jack could lick Jill's fanny.
Jack got a shock
and a mouthful of cock
cos Jill's a fucking tranny.
=====
My friend Billy
Had a ten foot willy,
He showed it to the girl next door.
She thought it was a snake
And hit it with a rake
And now its only 4 ft 4.
=====
Spider, spider on the wall.
Ain't you got no sense at all?
Can't you see the walls been plastered?
Now you're stuck you silly bastard
=====
Hey Diddle, Diddle,
The cat did a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun
Then died of electric shock.

=====

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

 

[melody]

You Know You're Trailer Trash When.....

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your
spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in
front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different
night.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People.

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch
this"

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen,
start your engines."

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its
wheels.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how
much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge'.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

 

[melody]

On The Desert

Two men went to the desert for a vacation.
They rented a camel and headed out.
Five days later they came back but without the camel.
The man who had rented them the camel was very upset and screamed,
"Where is my camel?"
They replied, "Well, we were riding along when we kept hearing people say, 'Look at the two assholes on that camel!'
So finally we got off to take a look and the damn camel ran away!

=====

Mary had a little lamb,
she kept in in her yard
And when she took her panties off,
his wooly dick got hard

Mary Mary quite contrary
Shave your bush it's so damn hairy

Hickory dickory dock
some girl was sucking my cock
The clock struck two
I shot my goo
And dumped the bitch on the next block.

 

[melody]

Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy
this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
"Well, you've done the right thing," says Mommy
"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

=====

What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?
Toast is brown on both sides.

=====

A woman is complaining to her friend about her marriage.
Her friend says, "Yeah, I understand, I guess there isn't anymore magic

in your life."
"Oh, no, there's still some magic! Every Saturday night he disappears!"

=====

"Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?"
"I used two fingers."
"What for?"
"I needed a second opinion."

=====

A guy came home from work, "Honey, where are you?"
"I'm upstairs douching," his wife answered.
"I told you never to talk like that!" he yelled.
"What do you want," she called out, "good grammar or good taste?"

 

[melody]

Steering Wheel And The Seat

A guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friend's house instead. Her friend lives out of the way, so in return for the favor, she offers to get naked.

The guy agrees and the girl takes off all her clothes. The guy is so busy looking at her that he smashes the car into a tree and get stuck between the steering wheel and the seat.

"You'll have to go get help!" he tells her. "But I can't. I have no clothes on, and I can't reach them." "Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!"

She reluctantly agrees and runs off to the nearest gas station. She finds the attendant and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?"

"I'm sorry, ma'am... but I think he's too far in."

=====

Confucious Say.....

Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.
It takes many nails to build a crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who sit on tack, get point.
Man with hand on tool not always mechanic.
Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.
He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

 

[melody]

How To Give A Blow Job
(And Blow His Mind)

Blowjobs aren't just for men's pleasure. That's right, many women say the feeling of control it gives them combined with the oral stimulation is a turn-on in its own right. Read on for tips and techniques to make a blowjob an ultimately satisfying experience for all involved.
_______

The Anatomy
Know what you're getting into:
Glans: The head of the penis
Frenulum: The underside of the gleans; ** the most sensitive part **
Shaft: The length of the penis
Perineum: The area between the anus and the testicles
Testicles: Where sperm is made and stored for ejaculation.
_______

Basic Up & Down
Position yourself comfortably:
Start by teasing his penis - kiss, breathe lightly, whisper, tickle.
Switch to sucking. Create a vacuum by pursing your lips, then using them to surround his penis.
Thrust your mouth down over his penis while you suck.
Use your saliva as a lubricant.
Stroke with your hands while sucking.
Twist your hand as you move up and down on the shaft. Switch hands occasionally for variation.

_______

Beyond Sucking
Licking & nibbling is quite stimulating:
Run your tongue around the glans, then focus on the frenulum.
Flick your tongue back and forth and all around as you're sucking.
Lick the bottom of the shaft while using your hand to fondle the glans, and vice versa.
_______

All-Around Focus
There's more to the penis than meets the eye:
Take his balls gently into your mouth and suck.
Run your tongue along his perineum.
Lick his anus and see if he likes it.
Rub his balls gently as you suck the shaft.

_______

Spit or Swallow
It's your decision:
Some like to take come into their mouth, some like to watch it shoot. Both can be very sexy.
If you choose to take it in your mouth, you can swallow or keep a cloth or napkin nearby to spit into.
Know your partner and make good choices. Swallowing during oral sex on an HIV-infected man has been known transmit the virus.

_______

10 Advanced Tips
1. Take a deep breath before you take his penis into your mouth to relax your throat muscles. This is to prevent gagging if you think his penis is going to touch the back of your throat.
2. Use your hand around the base of his penis to control how deep he goes into your mouth.
3. Try swallowing when his penis reaches the back of your throat. It kind of tickles.
4. You can start a blowjob when your partner's penis is flaccid and stimulate him to erection.
5. Pubic hairs in your mouth are normal. Just stop for a minute to take them out & then keep going.
6. Use a finger in your partner's anus to massage his prostate.
7. Pop an ice cube in your mouth or a mint for extra stimulation.
8. Run your hands over his inner thighs as your mouth moves on his shaft.
9. Keep your teeth away from his penis, or very, very lightly rub them against him while sucking.
10. Not all men come during oral sex. Don't worry if he doesn't - his orgasm is his responsibility, not yours.

 

[melody]

Phallic Symbol

Camilla had come to see Dr. Hardy. When the shrink began using sexual
terms, she interrupted, "Wait, what is a phallic symbol?" "A phallic
symbol," explained Hardy, "represents the phallus."
"What's a phallus?" asked Camilla. "Well," said the analyst,
"the best way to explain it is to show you." He stood up, unzipped his
fly and took out his pecker. "This is a phallus." "Oh," said the
girl. "It's like a prick, only smaller."

=====

A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on
her own. After a couple of drinks he decided to offer her a drink and make
small talk. She accepted.

"What's your name?" he asked her.

"Carmen," she replied.

"That's a nice name. Did your mother or father name you that?"

"Neither. I changed my name when I was eighteen from Sharon to Carmen."

"Why did you do that?" he asked.

"Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars,so that is how I got my
name. What's your name?"

"Beerpussy," the man replied.

 

[melody]

How To Shit Like A Woman/Man


How to shit like a woman:

*Under no circumstances, use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any stomach pain may be caused while waiting to get home.

*With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pot by your boyfriend/husband. Also, wipe his pubes off the seat with some toilet paper.

*Flush the toilet twice before starting. Then wash your hands three times.

*Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).

*Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent any chance of a splash back.

*Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat (hover) over the seat as opposed to taking any risk of touching it with bare flesh.

*Release solids, but DO NOT make any sounds whatsoever.

*Rise and quickly flush before direct eye contact is made with any feces.

*Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per role).

*Wipe once and throw paper into the pot. Do not look at the paper at all.

*Repeat the previous two steps at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sport.

*Flush the toilet twice, bleach it, and leave the lid in the down position for your husband/boyfriend - this is now law in most civilized countries.

*Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.

*Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.

*Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.

_________________________________________________

How to shit like a man:

*Select reading material.

*Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell
girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

*Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

*Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the
toilet rim.

*Open reading material and relax.

*Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

*Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to
experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the
first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.

*Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs
and buttocks.

*Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities to report
to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. color, consistency, any visible
traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.

*Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the Paper
before throwing it into the bowl.

*Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of feces on the
paper.

*Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no circumstances
attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or,
when your girlfriend/wife next uses the toilet.

*Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you Can use
it again later).

*Wash your hands once.

*Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's
self-esteem that other people smell his produce.

 

[melody]

15-Year-Old Scotch

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a shot of 15-year-old scotch, the bartender thinks that he doesn't know the difference so he gives him a shot of 5-year-old scotch.

The guy drinks it and says, "Yuck that isn't 15-year-old scotch, that's 5-year-old scotch."

The bartender thinks to himself "Alright lucky guess," so the bartender gives him a shot of 10-year-old scotch and the guy drinks it and say "Nope, that still isn't 15-year-old scotch, that is 10-year-old scotch, give me a shot of 15-year-old scotch now."

So the bartender thinks, "Wow, this guy knows his scotch," so he pours him a shot of 15-year-old scotch and the guy drinks it down and says "Mmmm that's the stuff."

Meanwhile a drunk from across the bar stumbles over the scotch drinker and gives him a shot and says "Take this."

So the scotch drinker takes it and spits it out right away and say "Yuck! That tastes like piss!"

The drunk says, "Yea, how old am I!"

=====

Q. Have you heard about the queer Indian?
A. He was a brave sucker.

Jack: "So how often do you have sex with your wife?"
Jim: "Oh, four or five times a week."
Jack: "That's more often than I get it!"
Jim: "Well it should be, after all she's MY wife."
**

Mary: Did you know that Linda has become a vegetarian?

Jill: Really? Wow!

Mary: Yep, and she's become a lesbian, as well. I guess she doesn't want "meat" of any kind!

 

[melody]

Idiots Guide To Sex

If she wants to do it French, Russian or Greek, it doesn't mean you have to go to Berlitz and learn the language.

Faster, Harder, Deeper" is not the motto of the Olympics.

A Fallopian tube is not part of a TV set.

Membership of the Mile-High Club is void if you apply by yourself.

A clitoris is not something you order from a florist.

Contrary to popular belief, Grape Nuts is not a venereal disease

If it doesn't make you smile: you AIN'T DOIN' IT RIGHT!

When she comes down wearing her most expensive body-stocking and asks you to come to bed, don't say you first want to check your e-mail.

=====

I woke up early one morning.
The earth lay cool and still.
When suddenly a tiny bird perched on my window sill.
He sang a song so lovely so carefree and so gay
that slowly all my troubles began to slip away.
He sang of far off places of happiness and fun
It seemed his very trilling brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers crept slowly out of bed
then gently shut the window and crushed his fucking head.
I'm not a morning person!

=====

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.

She said I have to stop wanking, I said "Why?"

She said "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

 

[melody]

Glad To Be A Man And Glad To Be A Woman!

I'm Glad I'm A Man!

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.

I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.

I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.

I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.

And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.

I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.

I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.

I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.

I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.

I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.

I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.

I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

And now it's time for a rebuttal

I'm Glad I'm A Woman!

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.

I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.

I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.

It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.

I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.

Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

Send this to 3 people in 24 hours and you will have
great sex this weekend with the person of your dreams. If
you do not you will have bad luck and terrible sex for the rest of
your life. ( yeah right )

 

[melody]

The Wedding Night

A girl about to be married confessed to her close friend that she was
not, as her fiance thought, a virgin. She asked her friend what to do.
"No Problem," said the friend, who had just finished watching an Arnold
Schwarzenegger movie. "Just buy a piece of raw liver and shove it up
inside you. It will make you tight and he will never know the
difference."

The girl followed this advice and on her wedding night the groom
consummated the marriage with tremendous energy in the bed, on the
floor, in the bathtub, under the kitchen table, everywhere. She fell
asleep blissfully, but when she awoke she was devastated to find the
following note pinned to her pillow: Dear Jane: Last night was pure
heaven. Unfortunately, since we will never be able to repeat that
performance, I am leaving you forever. P.S. Your pussy is in the sink.

=====

The Ideal Wife should be beautiful,
but not so beautiful that people think
you married her only for her beauty.
And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy,
but not so wealthy that people think
you married her only for her money.
And The Ideal Wife should be gentle,
but not so gentle that she can't
suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.

 

[melody]

Cyber Baby

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find
out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a
cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed
to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we
discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was
too late
to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up
appeared and said: "You've Got Male!"

=====

A girl about to be married confessed to her close friend that she was
not, as her fiance thought, a virgin. She asked her friend what to do.
"No Problem," said the friend, who had just finished watching an Arnold
Schwarzenegger movie. "Just buy a piece of raw liver and shove it up
inside you. It will make you tight and he will never know the
difference."

The girl followed this advice and on her wedding night the groom
consummated the marriage with tremendous energy in the bed, on the
floor, in the bathtub, under the kitchen table, everywhere. She fell
asleep blissfully, but when she awoke she was devastated to find the
following note pinned to her pillow: Dear Jane: Last night was pure
heaven. Unfortunately, since we will never be able to repeat that
performance, I am leaving you forever.

P.S. Your pussy is in the sink.