JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Standing In The Fairway

A golfer was standing in the fairway, about 140 yards out, when a frog

whispered from the rough, "Use an 8-iron." The golfer, deep in

concentration pulled out his 8-iron and hit the shot. It rolled

right into the cup for an eagle. "Now take me to Vegas," said the

frog.

"What?" said the startled golfer, suddenly realizing it was a talking

frog. "You heard me," repeated the frog, "take me to Vegas. I'm obviously a

lucky frog, and we'll make a bundle!"

So the golfer picked up the frog and they flew to Vegas. In the

casino, the frog whispered, "Go to the dice table and bet everything

on the pass line." The shooter rolled a seven, and the man with the

frog won $100,000.

Then the guy took the frog upstairs to his room and the frog said,

"Kiss me." When he did, it turned into the most beautiful girl you've

ever seen - deep brown eyes, blond hair, beautiful smile and 16 years

old.

"And I swear, Your Honor, that's how she got in my room."

 

[melody]

Johnny Fuckauer

It was the first day of school, and the elementary
school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd
take no nonsense from the kiddies this year.
While taking the roll, she was told by one boy,
"My name is Johnny Fuckhauer".
So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing
this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!".
The kid said "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer.
You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my
brother if you don't believe me!"
Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the
teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth
grade classroom door.
The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to
the front office for a moment, so she entered the room
and directly asked the class, "Do you have a Fuckhauer
in here?"
"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row,
"We don't even get a cookie break!"

=====

Q. What do you call a Mexican after a vasectomy?
A. A dry Martinez!

A little boy asked his mother, "Mummy, am I descended from a monkey?"
The mother replied, "I don't know, son, I never met your father's
folks...."

 

[melody]

Visiting Grandma

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
While playing with his toys in her bedroom
while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
... I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.
The comedies make me laugh.
I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs,
trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV
hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring,
so he hurried to open the door,
and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied," Yeah,
she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.”

=====

Since I've been depressed I've completely lost the urge to masturbate.
I guess I just haven't been feeling myself lately

Three Things Women Can Do That Men Can't:

1. Bleed for a week and not die.
2. Give milk without eating grass
3. Bury an eight inch bone faster than any dog!

 

[melody]

Chamber Maids

The chamber maid blushed a bright red
It must have been something I said
I quipped, "You look hot
And I like you a lot
So please do not turn down my bed"

"I have never been screwed," the maid said,
"But I do enjoy giving men head."
First she went down on me,
Then I screwed her with glee.
I got two things in one: maidenhead.

I was horny, said, "Let's go to town!"
Then said, "Lie on your back." She did frown.
She replied, "Me on top,
And I'll screw 'til we drop.
It's a thing I won't take lying down."

The maid was quite hot; I adored 'er.
Her bod I explored while I scored 'er.
I remember the night
That was filled with delight.
For me, it was just maid to order.

I enjoyed many times getting laid,
And I'm glad that the housekeeper stayed.
'Bout that night I reflect,
And as you might suspect,
I admit that I did have it maid.

All night long 'gainst my body she pressed
Without stopping. I got little rest.
When I left the next day,
"Come again!" she did say.
The maid service I got was the best.


Three friends took their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas and they all had a great time.

A few days after they returned home, the men were sitting around talking about their trip.

"I don't think I'm ever going to do that again!" says the first guy. "Since we've been back, my wife flings her arms and hollers '7 come 11' all night long. I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

"I hear ya, buddy," the second guy replies. "My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there. Since we've been back, she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light, hit me hard'. I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

"You guys think you have it bad!" exclaims the third guy. "My wife played the slots the entire time we were there. Every morning I wake up with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!"

 

[melody]

Physical Examination

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed
because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed.
'I am so ashamed, Doctor, she said. I guess I let myself go.

The physician was checking her eyes and ears. Don't feel ashamed, Miss.
You don't look that bad.

Do you really think so, Doctor? she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said,
Of course.... Now just open your mouth and say moo.

=====

Suzie Wong and her sister looked tight
When they laid Mr. Wright one hot night
He resisted just one
But a pair?.. Too much fun
Which is how two Wongs made a Wright.

=====

A trucker drives his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and starts down the other side when he notices a man and a woman making love in the center of the road.

He blows his horn several times, but they don't budge. He slams on his brakes and stops just inches from them.

Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walks to the couple, still in the road, and yells, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!"

The man on the highway looks up and says, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

 

[melody]

Answers Men Would Like To Give To Women's Stupid Questions, But Never Will.

1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.

2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that fucking
ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

3. You've got no chance of me calling you.

4. No, I won't be gentle.

5. Of course you have to swallow.

6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.

7. I hate your friends.

8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of
speaking to you after tonight.

9. I'd rather watch a porno.

=====

Why are chickens so ugly?
You would be too if you had a pecker hanging out of your forehead!

What is similarity between an audio cassette and a girl?
You can use them on either side.

Confucius Says....
man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
Italians hate ALL witnesses.

Why do Italians wear gold chains?
So they know where to stop shaving.

 

[melody]

RULES THAT GUYS WISHED GIRLS KNEW

(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear “the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up; you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don 't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Nomadic tribes did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know,
I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.

 

[melody]

Annual Checkup

A 90 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season.

But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

 

[melody]

A Pending Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!!

 

[melody]

What Men Really Mean

Have you ever asked what men are really thinking when they say the things they do? Well now is your opportunity to answer that very question...

"I brought you a present."
Really means...
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means...
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet
paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...
"No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means...
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...
"I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
Really means...
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means...
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means...
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means...
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...
"She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means...
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means...
"You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means...
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, with pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really means...
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means...
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

 

[melody]

How To Bathe A Cat

Please forward to cat lovers everywhere who, like myself, are very concerned about their hygiene.

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG

=====

She wasn't what one would call pretty,
And other girls offered her pity,
So nobody guessed,
The paternity test,
Would involve half the men in the city.

 

[melody]

Cool Shorties

A man walks into a pub, sits down at the bar,
And says to the barman, "cor! I've just had my
First blow-job and it was great! -- I'll have a
Large whiskey please, barman."

The man takes his whiskey and downs it.

"Same again?" asks the barman.

"Okay" says the man and downs the second.

He then orders a third and a forth and downs
Them both.In fact in total he downs 27 whiskeys.

"Do you want another?" asks the barman.

"No I don't think so", says the man,
"If 27 whiskeys won't take away the taste
I don't think that another one will!"

=====

A man says to his wife, "I fancy some kinky sex, how about I blow my
load in your ear?"

The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!"

To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my love wads in your mouth
for the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you!"

=====

"Oh Mom!" sobbed Little Mary, "I'm pregnant!"
"What!? How could you?" screamed the Mother,
"and just who is the father?"
The daughter lifted up her tearful face and wailed,
"How should I know?
You're the one who would never let me go steady!"

 

[melody]

Co-Workers

Two female co-workers are having a conversation at work. - Did you have good sex last night?

No. It was a disaster... Husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in 4 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes. How about you?

Oh it was amazing... My husband came home. He took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we took a walk for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. After foreplay we had an hour long fantastic sex and after sex we talked for an hour. It was like in a fairytale.

At the same time their husbands are talking at work. - Did you have good sex last night?

Yes, it was great! I came home dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. What about you?

It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity cause I didn't pay the bill. In return I had to take my wife out to dinner and the dinner was so expensive that we didn't have money for a cab so we had to walk home for an hour. I was so angry when we came home that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't cum for another hour. After I finally did I was so mad and aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep for another hour.

=====

She demanded I gave her affection
Then opened her thighs for inspection;
I found her quite nice
'Til I noticed the lice
And immediately lost my erection.

Before they could jump on my dick
I re-buttoned my fly pretty quick;
But she shouted, "You fool!
All I want is your tool!"
So I gave her my shovel and pick.
___________________________________________________

 

[melody]

Perfect Reincarnation

Three gays were talking about their perfect reincarnation.
The first one says, "I'd love to reincarnate in a mirror and see all those handsome men shave in the mornings."
The second gay guy says, "I wish I were underwear so I could rub my face in their dicks and asses."
The third gay guy was thinking of something better to say, and replied, "I'd love to an ambulance.
I would love to have three or four men stuck through my behind at a time and then run through the streets of the city shouting, 'Ooha-ooha, ooha-ooha, ooha-ooha'."

=====

Dirty Johnny is walking down the street leading the giraffe.
A cop says, "Kid, where you going?"
Johnny says, "I'm taking this giraffe to get mated."
The cop says, "Where?"
Johnny lifts up the giraffe's tail, points to her snatch, and says,
"Right there."

 

[melody]

A Brand New Corvette


A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

This is great, he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

I can get away from him with no problem, thought the man as he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

Then he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing. He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir."


=====

The redneck farmer was disturbed when he found his son masturbating several times a day. "Boy, you got to stop that," he said. "Go out and get yourself a wife."

So the boy went out and soon found a pretty, young girl to whom he got married.

But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer found his son whacking off again.

"You Crazy boy! the father yelled. "That Lucy Mae's a fine girl!"

"I know, pop," the boy replied, "but her arm gets tired sometimes."

 

[melody]

Blind Date

The attractive young thing was about to go to bed with her blind date when she burst into tears. "I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!"
"I believe ya," her date said, as he tried to comfort her.
"You're the first one," she gulped.
"The first one to make love to you?" he asked.
"No!" she replied. "The first one to believe me."

=====

A man walks into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the
table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest
London Broil," he says.
"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter. "Oh," answers the
man, "she'll order for herself."

=====

Why did the Blonde put ice in her boyfriend's condom?
To keep the swelling down.

"Do you serve women at this bar?"
"No, sir, you have to bring your own."

 

[melody]

"You Gotta Help Me Doc!"

A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doc, you gotta help me!"
The doctor says, "What's your problem?"
The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my morning flagpole,
give the missus a quick one, then go to work.
I car-pool with the next-door neighbor's wife and she gives me a
blowjob during the ride to work. Once I get to the office I do
some work and then at morning coffee break I go into the
photocopy room and have it off with one of the young office
girls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her
a good bonking. For afternoon coffee I give the boss's wife a
good servicing. I then go home and slip the maid a few inches.
Then at night I give the missus another screw..."
"Well" said the doctor. "What's your problem?"
The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate."
=====

Q: What is six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A: Money.
Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

 

[melody]

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR SON HAS
GROWN TOO OLD FOR BREAST FEEDING

10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.
1. Beard abrasions on areola.
=====

TOP 10 OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES
1. Sag, You're It
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
4. Kick the Bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
6. Doc, Doc Goose
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
8. Hide and Go Pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical Recliners
______________________________

 

[melody]

Come Ons And Come Backs

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there any more.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat slut.

Man : Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Probably because you will be on your knees sucking on my cock.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my car,
I don't give a shit where you go.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: So that's how you got that little moustache

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized
Man: No problem, I can always shoot my load up your arse.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of bitch that's impossible to shake off
once you've shagged her.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: That works for me.... as long as you are still a bit warm when I shove it in ya.

=====

What is FOREPLAY?

1- The loving before the shoving.
2- The petting before the getting.
3- BULLSHIT!
4 -The licking before the pricking.
5- The stroking before the poking.
6- The procrastination & masturbation preceding penetration.
7- The lingering and the fingering.
8- A premature ejaculators nightmare!
9- Unnecessary with barn animals.

 

[melody]

Stranded

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.
The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."
The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."
The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "fuck me then!"
The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.
The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.
The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

=====

Said a woman with open delight,
"My pubic hair's perfectly white.
I admit there's a glare,
But the fellows don't care.
They locate it more quickly at night

=====

Q: What's the difference between a boxer and a woman?
A: A boxer stands up to get knocked down and a woman lies down to get knocked up.