JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[JaswinderSingh]

http://www.funnymemes.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/Funny-baby-meme.png
http://blog.cdn.famigo.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/13.jpg
http://themommyproject.typepad.com/.a/6a0133f30ae399970b0192aa1b426b970d-800wi
http://themommyproject.typepad.com/.a/6a0133f30ae399970b01901c5cf135970b-800wi

 

[melody]

A Blonde's Message

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!"
The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?"
"Yes, anything" the blonde promised.
With that, the man said, "Follow me" He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door" She did.
He then said, "Get on your knees" She did.
Then he said, "Take down my zipper" She did.
He said, "Go ahead...take it out" She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well... go ahead!"
The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly "HELLO.....MOM, can you hear me???


Bananas are better than Men because...
You don't mind swallowing a banana.
Bananas are always stiff.
Bananas don't know how to fart.
A bananas only purpose is to satisfy you.
No one cares if you have two bananas in bed with you at the same time.
Another woman will never try to steal your banana.
Bananas can last the whole night through.
Even the smallest bananas are at least eight inches long.


A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in June, and left me $10,000." said the friend. "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000." The man looking concerned says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." The friend continues, "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!" "Then this month,..." continued, the friend, "Nothing! Not a single dime!"

 

[melody]

Imaginary New Condom Brands:

Nike condoms - Just do it.
Toyota condoms - Oh what a feeling.
Pringles condoms - Once you pop, you can't stop.
KFC condoms - Finger-lickin' good.
J Ford condoms - The best never rest.
Bounty condoms - The quicker picker-upper.
Energizer condoms -It keeps going and going and going.
M & Ms condoms -It melts in your mouth, not in your hands.
Star Trek condoms - To boldly go where no man has gone before.
Why are condoms like cameras? - they both capture the moment.
________

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence..........then a shot is heard.
The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what!

 

[melody]

Phat Jokes

There was a guy who really loved fat women. He would always go nuts over them. He went to a bar one night and noticed a fat woman walk in. Well he literally wet his pants, so he went over to her and eventually ended up at her house, and sweet talked his way into her bed.
Anyway, they started fucking away and after awhile the guy says, "Can we turn the light off please?"
"Why," said the fat woman, "Am I that ugly?"
"No," replied the guy, "It's just that while I'm fucking you I keep burning my arse on the lightbulb!"


How do you know when your woman is too fat?
When she needs an hour to take a shit - 45 minutes just to line her arse up!

How do you find a fat girl's cunt?
You flip through the folds until you smell shit, and then go back one!

How do you fuck a fat girl?
Roll her in flour and head for the wet spot!

How can you tell when your girlfriend is too fat?
When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo!

How can you tell when your overweight?
When you step on your dog's tail and it dies!

How do you know when you are just TOO fat?
Your car has stretch marks!

What do fat women and mopeds have in common?
They are both fun to ride but you don't want your friend's to see you on either of them!


Mick, a 400 pound country boy had a lot of trouble getting dates with girls. His friends, however, found a 350 pound girl who seemed willing to go out with him. Before his first date, Mick's friend's advised him to be nice to her at first.
"Compliment her on something." They told him, "Chicks always like to hear good things about themselves!"
Mick decided to give it a try, so he left to pick up his hefty honey. His friends were surprised when Mick returned an hour later, all alone.
"What happened?" his friends asked.
"I dunno," Mick replied, "After walking her from the door to the car, I took your advice, and she ran off crying."
"What did you say to her Mick?" his friends asked.
"I told her that for a fat, ugly broad, she didn't sweat so much!" cried Mick.

 

[melody]

A Husband's Funeral

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the funeral, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the funeral director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads"


There once was a woman from Latch,
Who jacked herself off with a match.
She got so excited,
The damn thing ignited,
And burnt all the hair off her snatch.


Reminds me of the woman who goes to her gynecologist and complains of a pain in her averies.

"Don't you mean ovaries ?" the doc says.

"No" she says.

"We had better have a look" says doc. After a minute of peering, doc says "You're right, It looks like there's been a cockatoo up there"

 

[melody]

She's A Keeper If You Hear A Woman Say . . .

* I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
* I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now!
* This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.
* Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wet spot.
* Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse.
* That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch porno's again?
* I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby- sitter Tracy.
* You're my daddy! You're my daddy!
* The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
* Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!
* While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
* Bar food again!? Kick ass.
* I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girl- friend has class.
* That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.
* I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.
* I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's day gift!
* Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.
* I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?
* It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.
* Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila shot off of Chuck's bare ass!
* My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.
* I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.
* Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!
* You are so much smarter than my father.
* If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sports Center.

 

[melody]

A blonde's Year In Review

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels...Helllloooo!!!..bottles won't fit in the typewriter!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my Jeep in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 and a half days - instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
What a year!!

=====

Q: What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
A: You know we do taste like chicken.

Q: Why did the army private tattoo sergeant's stripes on his cock?
A: He loved to pull rank!

Q: What do you call a successful masturbation by a 90 year old man?
A: Miracle whip.

 

[JaswinderSingh]

Missing Wife
Husband: I lost my wife. She went shopping & still hasn't arrived home yet.
Inspector: What is her height?
Husband: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector: Colour of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Inspector: Colour of hair ?
Husband: Changes according to the season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Pants and shirt, maybe a dress or something ..... I don't remember exactly.
Inspector: Did she go in a car???
Husband: Yes!!!
Inspector: Can you tell me the number, name & colour of the car ?
Husband: NLH-638 Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode....and it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door. At this point the husband started crying...
Inspector: Don't worry sir, we will find your car........

 

[melody]

Firehouse System

A man who worked for the fire department came home from work one day
and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the
firehouse.
Bell #1 rings, and we all put our jackets on.
Bell #2 rings, and we
all slide down the pole.
Bell #3 rings, and we are on the truck and ready to go!"
"So," he continues, "From now on, we're going to run this house the
same way.
When I say Bell #1, I want
you to strip naked.
When I say Bell #2, I want you to jump into bed
and when I say Bell #3, we're going to make love all night!"
The wife
is agreeable with this arrangement. The next night, he came home from
work and yelled,
"Bell #1!" The wife took off all her clothes.
"Bell #2!".....The wife jumped into bed.
"Bell #3!"..... They began passionate loving...
After two minutes, the wife yelled, "Bell #4!".....
The husband asked "What the hell is Bell #4?"
"MORE HOSE!" she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"

=====

Q: What are invisible and smell like dog food?
A: Old people's farts.

Q: What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?
A: Nice tits!

 

[melody]

Shit......The Most Functional English Word

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:
You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of- luck, Or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for
your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget
shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit,
horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when
the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some
days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are
times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong
shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit
creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in
a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block
of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything
else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't
give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do
give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But,
if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head... ........
Well, Shit Happens!!!

 

[melody]

Trailer Trash Personal Hygiene

Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
Going without underwear is NOT an option.
Dab a little perfume here and there.
Once every month take the kids out to the back yard so pa can hose them down.
Both of your socks should always be the same color, or they should at least both be fairly dark.
Remember, the cleanest kid goes in the tub first.
_________

A farmer was having trouble getting his horses to breed. He had tried everything and was at his wits end. Finally one day he called the local Vet. The Vet told him to rub the male nose into the female horse...He would get the scent of her and breed. Sure enough the farmer rubbed the male horse’s nose into the female and he hopped right on. That evening the farmer was thinking about his own trouble in the sex department. So that night after him and his wife were laying in bed, he reached down underneath the covers and rubbed on his wife and then rubbed his nose. To his amazement he got his first hard-on in years. He yelled out to his wife..."honey look!!! look!!!" His wife turned on the light disgusted and said "You woke me up to tell me you had a bloody nose?"

 

[melody]

Original Version Of Piss Pot Pete
A great classic joke


Now gather round children and I'll tell a story of old,
When men were brave and women were bold.

It all started a way out west,
To settle the bet of who was best.

Now Old Lill fucked everything that crawled or creeped,
And piled her victims in a great big heap.

There wasn't a man for miles around;
With a big enough rod to fuck her down.

Now news of this boast traveled far and wide;
Thousands of rod-toters came and died.

When down from Texas came Piss Pot Pete,
With eighteen pounds of Swinging Meat.

Eighteen pounds of meat, and thirty pounds of cod;
He wasn't a boy--he was a MAN, by God!

Pete laid it out on the Blue Balls Bar;
I'll swear it stretched from thar to...........thar.

Stunk like shit, I thought I'd die;
But he just laughed and let it lie.

Gentlemen, countrymen, boys in blue;
Came to witness this terrible screw.

People came from miles afar,
To place their bets at the Blue Balls Bar.

They met the next morning in the middle of the street,
The Mangey Whore and Piss Pot Pete.

Pete greased his dick with a tub of lard,
And he killed a mule trying to work up a hard!

Old Lill warmed up on an old cross-tie;
Oh my God how the splinters did fly!

Pete came down Main Street like a south-bound freight,
And Old Lill knew she had met her fate.

All she could do was to take a seat,
And let old Pete sink his meat.

With a stretching of flesh, and tearing of skin,
Old Pete drove the first two feet in.

Old Lill screamed and clawed at the grass,
And yelled like a panther with a turpentined ass!

Lill let out a scream, "I can't take any more!"
But Pete pounded away on the smelly old whore.

The earth shook and dark came to the sun;
Pete's eyes rolled back and he fired off his gun.

When the battle was over and the dust had cleared,
Over forty acres, Lill's ass was smeared.

Gallons of love were spilled out in the street.
It was so damn sticky, you couldn't pick up your feet!

Land was torn up for miles around,
Where Old Pete's balls had drug the ground.

Pete reeled in his dick, and pounded his chest;
Got on two horses, and rode off West.

As a lasting memory to the great Old Whore,
They hung her drawers on the Bar Room door.

And all the soap this side of hell;
Couldn't wash away that whorehouse smell!

Now Old Pete died and went to hell;
Fucked the devil and his wife as well!

The little imps screamed and climbed the wall,
Yelling, "Get him out of here before he fucks us all!"

He fucked ninety-eight and his balls turned blue,
Then he backed off,jacked off, and fucked the other two.

 

[melody]

Before And After Marriage

Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I'm suffocating.

Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.

Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before - Ricky & Lucy.
After - Fred & Ethel.

Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night Football.

Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

Before - Don't Stop.
After - Don't Start.

Before - The Sound of Music.
After - The Sound of Silence.

Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before - Wheel of Fortune.
After - Jeopardy.

Before - It's like living a dream.
After - It's a nightmare.

Before - $60/dozen.
After - $1.50/stem.

Before - Turbocharged.
After - Needs a jump-start.

Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before - Victoria's Secret.
After - Fruit of the Loom.

Before - Feathers & handcuffs.
After - Ball and chain.

Before - Idol.
After - Idle.

Before - He's lost without me.
After - Why can't he ask for directions?

Before - When together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.

Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
After - Bagels and instant coffee.

Before - Oysters.
After - Fishsticks.

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?
_________________________________________________

A customer was screwing an old whore and she asked him, "Say, John,
that ring you are wearing is a little uncomfortable, do you mind taking
it off?"
"Hah! That's not my ring, that's my watch!"
______________________________________________

 

[melody]

The Ugliest Wife

These three guys are sitting at a bar arguing which one has the ugliest
wife. The conversation begins to get heated to the point of the barkeeper
telling them to get the hell out or shut up! In fact he says, "why don't
you settle it once and for all and just visit each others house and
decide for yourselves..."
Damn Good idea they agree, finish their drinks and make off for the
first guys house.
Upon arriving he bangs on his door and the wife answers,
she's not pretty and he turns to collect the bet from the other two.
Not so fast says the second, I got that beat.

And off they go to his house... He
bangs on the door and his wife comes to answer the door opens and all three
step back in fright, she's damn ugly. He asks to collect the bet but the
third guy says sorry I've got you both beat.
He goes to his house and walks right in, there's no sign of anyone
around. He stomps his foot on the trap door in the floor and they all hear
this voice say "Is that you honey?"
"Yeah it's me," he says.
"Do you want me to come out?" she asks
"Yes please," he says.
"Should I put the bag on my head?" she asks.
He says, "No. I don't want to fuck you, I just want to show you off!"

====================

A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long penis.

He called in his receptionist to show her.

She took one look and said, "It's just like my husband's penis."

"Wow, you mean he's got one that long?" the mortician asked.

"No," she replied. "That dead."

 

[melody]

Nudist Colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander
around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets
an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says,
"Did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She
says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if
you get an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads
him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly
pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as
he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of
the steam room toward him,
"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the
hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for
me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and
has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office,
where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist,
"May I help
you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have
the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she
replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the
chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68
years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."

=====

There once was a queen from Bulgariar
whose bush grew hairier and hairier
a prince from Peru came up for a screw
and had too hunt for her cunt with a terrier.

 

[melody]

Her Story: / His Story:

HER STORY:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might
have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything
much about it. The conversation was quite slow going, so I
thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we
could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and
he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and
start to wonder whether it's me or something else.

I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure.
So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him
and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell
this means because you know he doesn't say it back or
anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if
he's going to dump me!

So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV.
Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about
10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed
really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave.

I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean,
do you think he's met someone else?

HIS STORY:

Lousy day at work. Tired. Got laid though.

______

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to
take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.

The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.

The pro said "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too
hard - grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis.".

The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards
straight down the fairway.

The pro said "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this time
take the club out of your mouth."

 

[melody]

Murphy's Laws On Women !!!

1. Chances are - If you think that a woman is beautiful, she will always have a husband, or a boy-friend - to prove it !

2. Chances are - The more beautiful a woman is, the greater the chances that, she may dump you !

3. Chances are - The more make up - a woman wears - she may look proprtionately uglier !

4. Chances are - the man standing next to a beautiful woman and chatting with her, may not be her brother !

5. Chances are - if the woman whom you like, likes you back, she may let you know about her interest in you, after you are married to another lady !

6. Chances are - The more you ignore a woman, the more she would be interested in you !

7. Chances are - The more you chase a woman, the faster she may run away from you !

8. Chances are - The more you like a woman, the more her father will dislike you !

9. Chances are - the number of bullets in the gun owned by the father of the woman you like, maybe directly proportional to the extent of your interest in his daughter !

10. Chances are - when you get a woman to be alone with you, her friend will come to meet her !

11. Chances are - when you get a woman to be alone with you, her friend who comes to meet her, will be a handsome and very exciting male hunk !

12. Chances are - the day, the woman whom you like comes to talk to you, that may be the day when, you are most badly dressed !

13. Chances are - the day, the woman whom you like comes to talk to you, that may be the day when, you forgot to brush your teeth !

14. Chances are - the day, the woman whom you like comes to talk to you, that may be the day when, you forgot to wear body deodarant !

15. Chances are - the day, the woman whom you like comes to talk to you, that may be the day when, you have an itch problem !

16. Chances are - the day, the woman whom you like comes to talk to you, that may be the day when, you have a gas problem in your tummy !

17. Chances are - the day, the woman whom you like comes to talk to you, that may be the day when, your ex-girl friend comes to re-concile with you !

18. Only 35 % of the women in this world are supposed to be beautiful. Chances are that, it is only the balance 65 %, who may be in your company !

 

[melody]

Arithmetic

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

=====

Little Johnny asks his dad;
"What's between mum's legs?"
The father answers," Paradise."
Little Johnny asks again, "What's between your legs?"
The father replies, "The key to paradise."
Then, little Johnny says, "Piece of advice dad, change the lock. The neighbor has a copy.

=====

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this Shit..."

Q. What's the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back?
A. A police horse.

Q. What has 2 gray legs and 2 brown legs?
A. An elephant with diarrhea.

Q. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table has no balls.

Q. Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
A. He did okay until his business fell off.

 

[melody]

20 Ways In Which A Dildo Beats The Real Thing

1. It never goes limp on you

2. It doesn't make you pregnant.

3. It doesn't give you any nasty rashes or diseases.

4. You don't have to make it breakfast in the morning.

5. You don't have to listen to it's problems

6. It has a permanent hard-on and can keep going all night

7. It doesn't give you any shit

8. It will never fuck another woman

9. You never have to tell it you've got a headache

10. You never have to fake an orgasm

11. It never stands you up

12. It doesn't lie to you

13. It doesn't get angry if you're not in the mood

14. You don't feel obliged to fuck it just cos it happens to have a hard-on

15. It always makes sure you cum first

16. When you give it a blow job you don't have to swallow

17. It doesn't suffer from premature ejaculation

18. Doesn't need Viagra

19. You can put it in the cupboard and forget it's there.

20. It can give you a quickie any time you want
_______

A very good magician has hypnotized an entire audience. He has them under his complete control and they are willing do whatever he tells them to do. Unfortunately, at the vital moment, he trips over the microphone cord, lands on his ass and says "Shit!"

 

[melody]

Monkey On The Dashboard

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a
monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles, he asks the driver what
the monkey is for.

The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with
the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the
dash.

The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls
out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.

When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up,
puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

"See that?" said the trucker.

The man said, "Yeah."

The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?"

The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"
_____

What should you do if you find a woman lying in a ditch at the side of the road?
Ask her why she left the kitchen.
_____

How does an Arkansas mother know her daughter is having her period.
Her son’s dick tastes funny.
_____

A man calls into work and tells the boss he can’t come in because he’s sick.
“How sick are you?” asks the boss.
“Well, I’m currently screwing my daughter.”
_____

What’s the best way to tell if your roommate is gay?
His dick tastes like shit.