JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Creation Of The Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a carpenter, strong and bold,
using a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.

Second was a butcher, endowed with wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit.
Then came a tailor, tall and thin,
with a piece of red velvet, he lined it within.

Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
using a piece of fur, he lined it without.
Then came a fisherman, nasty as Hell,
he threw in a fish and gave it a smell.

Next was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Finally, a sailor, the dirty little runt,
he fucked it and sucked it and called it a cunt.


Q: How can you tell if two lesbians are twins?
A: They lick alike.

Q: What's a tiger?
A: A five-hundred-pound pussy that eats you.

Q: When do you know you're really lonely?
A: Your own tongue starts to feel good in your mouth.


There once was a girl from Decatur
Who got laid by a big alligator.
Now, nobody knew
The result of that screw,
Because after he laid her, he ate her.
There once was a man from Madrass
Whose balls were made out of brass
When he'd bang 'em together
They'd play stormy weather
And lightning would shoot out of his ass


Q. What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
A. An elephant with diarrhea.
Q. Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
A. Her lipstick
Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well hung.


This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.
A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

 

[melody]

Rules And Instructions On Being A Man
( Part 1)

1. Don't call. EVER.
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun
to let her figure it out by herself.
3. Lie.
4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic
and unoriginal, such as "spike"
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell
them you mailed it to them/already gave it to them.
6. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone
about it.
7. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to
answer, a grunt will do.
8. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter
what, it isn't your fault.
9. Lie.
10. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women
than baths.
11. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help
- don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
12. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone,
use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises
are permissible.
14. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big
penis)
15. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his
name in urine.
16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her
best friend. She will then see what she's missing and
love you for not giving up on her.
17. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
18. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your
girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style
on picking up chicks.
19. Lie.
20. Deny everything. Everything.
21. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about
her. Especially female friends you suspect may have a
crush on you. (Probably all of them - you're a man
remember?) They really want to know.
22. Don't have a clue.
23. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
24. No means yes.
25. Yes means no.
26. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will
shrivel. You may get sick or even die. This is one of
the most important rules.
27. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible
positions and locations.
28. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak,
sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
29. Feelings? What feelings?
30. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than
you at something, either pretend it's not true or kick
their ass.
31. Lie I tell you!!
32. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are
backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If
you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a
loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you
take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you
can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
33. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have
sexual meaning. Twist.
34. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like
various genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh,
make sure you make a replica of your penis. Exaggerate
the dimensions by 25%).
35. Lie.
36. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about
saying it.
37. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not
satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not
worth it.
38. Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her
back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.
39. Lie.
40. Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.
41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
42. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget
trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day
and eye color.
43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they
can't see you.

 

[melody]

No Arms Or Legs

A very good looking guy is walking down the beach and he
sees a woman with no arms or legs, just "sitting" there.
As he approaches her, he notices that she is crying her
eyes out. He bends down and asks "why are you crying?"
She replies, "I've never been deeply kissed, would you
kiss me?"

So he thinks for a second and then bends down, gives her a
deep kiss and starts to walk away again. But then she
starts bawling and crying even louder. He turns and asks
why she's crying this time. She looks at him wantonly
and says, "I've never been fucked before."
So he thinks for another second, walks over to her,
bends down and picks her up, and chucks her into the
ocean, and says, "Well, you're fucked now."


A Young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking cappuccino
at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.
"Hello," he said. " Do you understand English?"
"Only a little," she answered.
"How much?" he asked.
"Fifty dollars," she replied.

 

[melody]

Fresh Sex With Fill-up

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the
owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his
free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he
guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with his buddy, Bubba, pulled in
for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again
gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The
redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was
4. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that
game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged my wife
won twice last week."


Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was always after the girl to quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth."

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he had never. Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse then?"

 

[melody]

First Mammogram

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE ONE:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO:
Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE:
Freeze two metal book ends over night. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

YOU ARE NOW TOTALLY PREPARED! SEE THAT WASN'T ALL THAT BAD. . .

uuuuu

Two nuns are bicycling down a cobblestone street. The first one says to the other,
'I haven't come this way before.'
The second one says, 'It's the cobbles.'

uuuuu

Two old ladies are sitting in a park, when a flasher walks up yanks open his raincoat and exposes himself totally to them.
This is an enormous shock to the ladies and one of them has a stroke right away!
The other one can't quite reach.

uuuuu

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.

What's the only thing used sanitary napkins are good for?
Tea bags for vampires.

What did the potato chip say to the battery?
"If you're Eveready, I'm Frito-lay."

 

[melody]

Disorder In Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent -- don't miss the last one.
________________________________________
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've not forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when
he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_____________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo
or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
_____________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep
, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
_____________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_____________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
____________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
____________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
____________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height
and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
_____________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_____________________________________
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school
did you go to?
A: Oral.
_____________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was
dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy.
____________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
____________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

 

[melody]

Public Transportation

One morning a woman and her baby were taking public transportation.
As she entered the bus the driver said, "Wow! That is one ugly baby."
The woman, deeply hurt, just continued onto the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.
The man asked, "What's wrong, you look mad?"
She replied, "I am." "That bus driver just insulted me."
"You shouldn't take that from him," the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect.
If I were you, I would take down his badge number and report him."
"You're right sir, I think I will report him," she said. The elderly man said,
"You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."


After returning home from an examination, the young woman phoned her gynecology’s and asked. “Doctor, would you see if by chance I left my panties in your office?” He looked in the examining room, returned to the phone, and told her, “I’m afraid they are not here.” “Sorry to trouble you, doctor,” she said. “I’ll try my dentist.”

 

[melody]

Tattoo Parlour

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she
wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line.
She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then
instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her
left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is
getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind,
could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that
there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
============================================================
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
============================================================
Confucious say: Man who lick titty make clean breast of things!
============================================================
Blonde Moments!

As the priest was leaving his church after the service, he accidentally
bumped a gorgeous blonde parishioner, knocking her left tit with his
elbow.
"I'm so sorry," the priest gushed. Then after a moment of hesitation
added, "But I'm sure that if your heart is as soft as your breast,
there's a place for you in heaven."
"Well," said the blonde, "if your cock's as hard as your elbow, we
should go into those bushes and fuck!"
============================================================
Why do blondes wear tampons?
Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too.

 

[melody]

Dad's Explanation

Son: "Dad, why does love-making makes you feel good?"
Dad: "Just like digging in your nose, it feels good, right!"

Son: "Why is it that guys don't usually feel as good as gals?"
Dad: "Just like when you dig in your nose, it's your nose that feels
good, not your finger!"

Son: "When girls are having their menstruation, why don't they usually
want to have sex?"
Dad: "If your nose is bleeding, will you still want your nose to be
dug?"

Son: "Dad, one last question ... why don't guys like to wear condoms
when they make love?"
Dad: "Would you want to wear a glove when you dig your nose?"


When the gynecologist confirmed her suspicion that she was pregnant,
Judy got a little scared. "It'll be my first baby," she confessed with a blush, "and actually I don't know the first thing about how babies are delivered."
"Don't worry about a thing," reassured the doctor. "It's really not all that different from how the baby got started in the first place."
Startled, Judy exclaimed, "You mean twice around the park with my legs hanging out of the cab?"

 

[melody]

Garden Of Eden

In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.

In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.

As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.

At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.

And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.

They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.

Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside.

The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.

Then down through the years,
People did screw,
And now it is time,
For me and you.

So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Cause I'm in the mood,
For a piece of that ASS!

 

[melody]

Old Folks Home

Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen lived next door to each other for over 40
years, and over the years became loving friends. One day Mrs. Murphy
came to Mrs. Cohen and said, "This house is becoming to much for us,
let's sell it and each move into a home for the aged.

Each went to a home of their respective religions, and were soon placed.
Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, and one day asked to be
driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend Mrs. Cohen. When she
arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs and kisses. Mrs. Murphy
said "So how do you like it here."

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the
care takers. She then said, "You know the best thing is that I now have
a boyfriend."

Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful. Tell me what you do."

Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room, and sit on the edge
of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and
then we sing Jewish songs."

Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you Mrs. Murphy?"

She said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also
had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Cohen said, "So what do you do?"

"We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I
let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below."

Mrs. Cohen said, "And then what do you do?"

Mrs. Murphy said, "Since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck."


A bible-thumping preacher was really getting it going
one Sunday, and in the heat of the Gospel, an
attractive lady leaned out of the balcony a little too
far, and fell over the railing.

As she passed the chandelier on the way down, the hem
of her dress caught on part of the fixture, and she
hung there with her dress pulled clear over her hips
for everyone's viewing pleasure!

The preacher, a sensitive sort, cried out, "Any man
who dares to look shall be struck blind!"

An old fellow in the front row nudged his friend and said,

"I'm gonna chance it. This left eye ain't worth a damn, anyway!"

 

[JaswinderSingh]

Tattoo joke make me laugh out loud. It's awkward when i laugh and my fellow in office look at me! what happen?

 

[melody]

Rules To Determine If Sex Counts

Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex
counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if
you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.

1. Oral Sex does not count.

2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day,
doesn't count.

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex,
doesn't count

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm,
doesn't count

5. Sex with a friend,
doesn't count, it's just another thing you share

6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave my legs for this",
doesn't count

7. An old flame, doesn't count

8. An ex-spouse,
doesn't count, refer to this as a "pity fuck"

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same,
sorry, not sex...not cheating

10. Cyber-sex -
NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation

11. Two heterosexual women having fun,
not sex

12. Kissing body parts is not cheating

13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves,
not sex,
BUT only if you do not know their significant other

14. An act committed while you were intoxicated,
doesn't count

15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other,
doesn't count,
this should be referred to as "a skeleton in the family closet
"...not cheating

16. Acts committed in a public place,
doesn't count
(why should it, it was public, right?)

17. Phone sex, doesn't count,
refer back to "glorified masturbation"

18. In car, doesn't count,
way too cramped, if vehicle is
in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts,
way too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act
was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1

19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter
did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm),
doesn't count

20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not
been exchanged (pull'n pray method of birth control)
doesn't count

21. An act in which no kissing takes place,
doesn't count
(not considered to be intimate)...not cheating

22. Any act in which "you do all the work",
doesn't count

23. An act committed with your next door neighbor,
doesn't count,
this should be referred to as "being neighborly"

24. Any act committed with an acquaintance because you are
angry with your significant other
doesn't count

25. An act which only happens on a random basis,
doesn't count, this should be considered "getting acquainted".

26. An act with a US President
doesn't count,
unless the Senate votes impeachment.

27. Any act with your boss,
doesn't count, just considered career enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.

SEX does count if a pregnancy, or a social disease results!

 

[melody]

Safe Sex Tips

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a
matter of life or death. Here are some valuable tips
to help you "play it safe":

* Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens
for cash, then buy the crack directly.

* Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay;
resultant loss of erection will prevent potential
unsafe sex.

* Wash hands thoroughly before fisting goat.

* Under no circumstances should you give CPR to a stranger.

* Avoid dipping penis in buckets of AIDS-infected blood.

* Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in
the clergy from harm."

* Pull out cat's teeth before pouring gravy over vagina.

* Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow
anyone to get to third base with you.

* Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried
and scabbed over before use.

* When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an
equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of
CHI imbalance.

* Stock up on free safe-sex pamphlets at local health clinic;
use them to make paper-mache genital wrap.

* Before fellating anonymous man in back room of gay bar,
be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

* Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before
penetrating ape.

* You CAN get it from kissing -- tear out partner's tongue
before any mouth-to-mouth contact.

* To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

* Avoid talking to homosexuals at all costs.

* If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out beforehand
to hope for the best.

O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0

Q: What does an elephant use as a tampon?
A: A Sheep

Q: What does an elephant use as a vibrator?
A: An epileptic pygmy

Q: What's green with 15 breasts?
A: The wheelie bin behind the breast cancer clinic.

 

[melody]

Saving It

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said, "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later, the priest was in his study when a young man in his early twenties came in. "Yes, my son?" said the priest.

"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."

"And what was that, my son?"

"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married," said the young man.

"That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest. "Did you take my advice?"

"Yes I did, Father, but there's only one problem."

"What's that, my son?"

"Well, I have a 55-gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"
=====
There once was a young man from Nairs
Who liked to have sex on the stairs,
With one powerful stroke,
The banister broke
And he finished her off in mid-air.


There once was a young holy roller,
Had a boy friend attempt to console her.
She'd gone down on his cock,
That was hard as a rock...
Chipped a tooth, plus she knocked out a molar.

 

[melody]

Two Starving Bums

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"


There Once Was A Man From Nantucket
Whose Dick Was So Big He Could Suck It
He Said With A Grin
As He Wiped Off His Chin
If My Ear Was A Cunt I Would Fuck It


In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.


Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".

The Answer: A Cockrobin.
The Question: What are you putting in my mouth, Batman?


Two men are approaching each other on the sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other points behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."


A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."

 

[melody]

You Know You're Trailer Trash When...

Your junior prom had a daycare.
You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You let your 12 year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"
Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

 

[melody]

Rough Sex Facts

Body:
Giving head.
...... Massages the jaw....while burning 32 Calories.

Swallowing foreign body juices is actually like taking vitamins and it
Whitens your teeth

The American Dental Association says that semen cuts plaque better than
Mouth wash, so suck a dick and save a smile.

Having nice sex burns 358 calories.

Having rough sex [make it hurt] burns 543 calories.

Take off her clothes:
With her consent..... ......... ......... ..12 cal
Without..... ......... ........187 cal

Take off her Bra:
With two hands....... ......... ......... .8 cal
With one hand........ ......... ........12 cal
With mouth....... ......... ......... ....85 cal

Put on Protection:
Hard ............ ......... ..... 6 cal
Soft........ ......... ......... 315 cal

Foreplay:
Looking for target...... ......... ....8 cal
Finding G spot ............ ......... .92 cal
I don't F***ing care........ ......... ....0 c

Entry:
Holding her......... ......... 12 cal
On the floor....... ......... .8 cal

With Different Position:
Missionary.. ......... ......... ......358 cal
Doggy....... ......... ......... ..316 cal
69 lying....... ......... ......... ......286 cal
69 standing.... ......... ......... .......512 cal
Italian hanger...... ......... ......... .912 cal

Orgasm:
Real........ ......... ......... ......112 cal
Faking...... ......... ......... ........315 cal

After "O":
Lying in Bed......... ......... ......... ..18 cal
Hop off the bed......... ......... ......... .36 cal
Wondering why she left pissed off......... ..816 cal

Get dressed:
Quiet and calm........ ......... ......... .32 cal
Rushing..... ......... ......... ..98 cal
Heard her boyfriend opening the door........ .....1218 cal
Heard her dad at the door........ .....1942 cal
Her mom walking in.......... ......... ......... ..Priceless! !!LOL

 

[melody]

Cool One Liners

Roses are red that much is true
but violets are purple not fucking blue.

Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"?
Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don’t stop"

After 20 years of marriage, I still get blow jobs.
If my wife finds out, she'll f**king kill me.

Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection.
A fake name and a fake number.

It would be a lot easier to be a hard worker if my company didn’t block access to porn sites on the Internet.
How many guys can participate in a gang bang before it's gay?

The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.

Women fake orgasms to have relationships. Men fake relationships to have orgasms.

A vagina is like the weather. Once its wet, it's time to go inside

Have you heard of the new movie called "Constipation"? It hasn't come out yet.

I wonder if Asians put their smiley's like this ¦)

I'd like to point out that 'beautiful' has u in it. But, 'quickie' has u & i together.

When Hugh Hefner dies, will he really be going to a better place?

I got raped by an alligator the other day. I think I have gatoraids.

Roses are red. Nuts are round. Skirts go up. Panties go down. Belly to belly. Skin to skin. When it's stiff, stick it in.

Sex, drugs, rock & roll; speed, weed, & birth control. Life's a bitch and then you die, so fuck the world and lets get high!

I'm trying to write a joke about unemployed people... But it needs more work

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. 'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks 'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'

Relationships used to be X's an O's , now its just Exes and Hoes...

Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.

I wish I had parents like Dora. They let that b*tch go everywhere.

A PENIS is the lightest thing in the world. Even a thought can raise it.

Real men don't wear pink, they eat it.

A pervert walks over to this sorority girl, he said "Bend over and spell run."
So she bent over next thing she new there was a sharp pain she said "R U N"
The perverted guy said "As far as I can go."

 

[melody]

Sex Quiz For Real Men

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever
find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had
sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last
month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.