JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race,
went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only
to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

"What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.

"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble,"
said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled,
'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured,
'what a smooth finish.'"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.

"Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled,
'who the hell left the garage door open?'"
________

Being older with grown children, I often tell younger parents
to enjoy them now. It's a short time between shitty diapers
to a shitty attitude.
________

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one
day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and
said, "Johnny. This is where you come from."
Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends
now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny." "Why?" one asked.
Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this
close to being a turd.
________

Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened
to mention that he had gotten circumcised last week.

"Can I see it?" asked the second gay guy, so he promptly
dropped his pants to show off his operation.

"Oooh," squealed his friend, "You look ten years younger!"
________

Recent medical journals now counsel doctors that, when testing stupid
people,
to refrain from telling them that they have sugar in their urine.
Otherwise, they'll go home and piss on their corn flakes.

Little Johnny

Little Johnny was walking down the street with his mother. They stopped
outside a woman's clothing shop and Johnny's mother knew it would
embarrass him to go inside so she told him to wait outside. Before she had
a chance to go inside, Little Johnny saw a used condom lying on the pavement.
"What is that mummy?" he asked.

His mother looked mortified when she saw the used condom and hastily said,
"Um, it's a biscuit Johnny, but it's on the ground and dirty, so don't touch it!"

Confident that Little Johnny wouldn't touch it she went in the shop. When
she came out 10 min later she saw the condom was gone.

"You didn't eat the biscuit, did you Little Johnny?" she asked.

"Of course not, it was dirty, so I just licked the cream out from inside it."

*********

THIS BLONDE LADY WAS IN AN AUTO ACCIDENT, BUT ALL
THAT HAPPENED TO HER WAS A CUT ACROSS THE FOREHEAD.
AFTER BEING TREATED THE DOCTOR TOLD HER TO COME BACK IN A WEEK.
WHEN SHE WENT BACK, THE DOCTOR SAID "HOW'S YOUR HEAD?"
SHE REPLIED:
"WELL I HAVEN'T HAD ANY COMPLAINTS YET"

 

[melody]

Legs In The Air

One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffles lying dead with its legs up in the air. She asked, "Daddy, Daddy why is Muffles legs in the air?" Thinking quickly, her dad replied, "This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."
The next day when Susie’s dad came home she ran up to him and said, "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today." Flustered, her father said, "Honey what happened?" And Susie said, "Well Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming 'Oh Jesus I'm coming I'm coming' and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she would have been a gonner."

IIIII

A guy was fucking his girlfriend in a park by the side of the road when a cop car pulled up.
"Just what the hell do you think your doing?" asked the cop.
The guy looked up at the cop and said, "I'm fucking my girlfriend!"
"Great!" said the cop, "I'm next!"
"Sounds good to me," replied the guy, "I have never fucked a cop before!"

IIIII

One woman says to another, "I can't understand why you haven't gone
to see that new gynecologist yet!"

"My gynecologist is fine. I don't need to change."

"But the new one's so young and handsome, while your gynecologist is
so old!"

The other woman replies with a smile, "Yeah, I know. His hands
shake all the time!"

IIIII

Two Swedish housemaids are having their pictures taken.

The first one asks, "Why is he lookin' at us like that?"

The second replies, "He's got to focus."
"Oh no," says the first one, "you tell him he has to take the
picture first."

IIIII

Hickory Dickory dock
Some slut was suckin my cock
Her hair got tangled
The bitch was strangled
But at least she swallowed the lot!!!!

Wedding Night

Little Johnny's big brother had just gotten married and spent his first
wedding night with his parents. In the morning, his mother got up and
prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her
garden and gourmet food.

She went to the bottom the stairs and called everyone to come down to
breakfast. Everyone came down, except the newlyweds. After a long wait,
the family ate without them. The mother said, "I wonder why they never
came down to eat?"

Little Johnny said, "Mommy, I think..."

"Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said his mother, not
wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old.

At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again
called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called
again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat.

As she was cleaning the table, she once again said, "I wonder why they
never came down to eat? Once again, Little Johnny started to speak, but
mother immediately shut him up.

At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mother once again
questioned why they had not come down to eat all day. Little Johnny once
again said, "Mommy I think..."

"Well, what is it that you think?" asked his mother rather testily.

"I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last
night, he got my model airplane glue instead!"

======

Q: What did the blonde write on the postcard she sent home from vacation?
A: Hi...having a great time. Where am I?

Q: What is the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, that it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbor, that it is sociology.
Q: Why do sperm donors get paid more than blood donors?
A: Because sperm donation is handmade.

A blonde goes to the drugstore to buy deodorant, and asks the
pharmacist what he recommended.
"How about the ball type?"
"No, this is for my boyfriend's armpits."

 

[melody]

The Robot

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Let me tell you how she works.
If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her
right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex,
too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for
a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh!
Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil
sharpener!"
=======
A couple had not been married for long, when the husband came home one
day to find that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and
gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success. Two
days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the
kitchen. He asked her what she had been up to and why she hadn’t been
home for so long. She replied:”These four men kidnapped me and had wild
sex with me for a week.” The husband answered: “But it’s only been two
days what do you mean a week?” She answered “I am just here to get
something to fuck’n eat.”

New Drink

This guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar. The girl
says she'll be happy to pick up the first round as she's heard
of a new drink she wants him to try. She gets back to the
table and has two glasses for him.
One is a shot of Bailey's. The other, a shot of lime juice.
She says,Okay, what you have to do is swig the Bailey's,
hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice. He
looks a little dubious but does as he's told because she's
really cute when she's enthusiastic.
First he shoots the Bailey's. Smooth. Creamy. A warm feeling
in this mouth.
Then he shoots the lime juice. After about a second, the
Bailey's starts to curdle in his mouth.
Two seconds later, his face turns the color of fresh lime juice.
Three seconds and he finally calms his stomach enough to
swallow the mess. As he makes a face she smiles and whispers
sweetly in his ear, The drink's called 'Blowjob Revenge'.
________

What's the difference between a farmer with epilepsy and a blonde with
diarrhea?
One shucks between fits, the other fucks between shits.
When does a cub scout become a boy scout?
When he eats his first Brownie.

How To Shit Like a Woman/Man

How to shit like a woman:

Under no circumstances, use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any stomach pain may be caused while waiting to get home.

With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pot by your boyfriend/husband. Also, wipe his pubes off the seat with some toilet paper.

Flush the toilet twice before starting. Then wash your hands three times.

Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).

Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent any chance of a splash back.

Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat (hover) over the seat as opposed to taking any risk of touching it with bare flesh.

Release solids, but DO NOT make any sounds whatsoever.

Rise and quickly flush before direct eye contact is made with any feces.

Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per role).

Wipe once and throw paper into the pot. Do not look at the paper at all.

Repeat the previous two steps at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sports.

Flush the toilet twice, bleach it, and leave the lid in the down position for your husband/boyfriend - this is now law in most civilized countries.

Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.

Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.

Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.

How To Shit Like a Woman/Man

How to shit like a man:

Select reading material.

Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell
girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the
toilet rim.

Open reading material and relax.

Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to
experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the
first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.

Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs
and buttocks.

Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities to report
to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. color, consistency, any visible
traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.

Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the Paper
before throwing it into the bowl.

Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of feces on the
paper.

Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no circumstances
attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or,
when your girlfriend/wife next uses the toilet.

Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you Can use
it again later).

Wash your hands once.

Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's
self-esteem that other people smell his produce.

 

[melody]

Myrddin And Aspazia

Myrddin and Aspazia are just married and decided to make love on their
wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. Aspazia did
not want to get pregnant and requested that myrddin buy a condom from
the shop nearby.

When Myrddin went out, Aspazia waited anxiously in the room with all
the lights switched off. Myrddin had a hard time looking for a shop that
sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had
only 20 cents. He asks the shop owner to sell him one condom and the
shop owner asked him which quality he wanted!.

"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each.
The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each.
And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each."

So Myrddin took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him.
While Myrddin was out, a black thief came into the room.
Aspazia did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She
grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. Aspazia was so
exhausted that she fell asleep immediately. When Myrddin reached the
hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his
wife, mounted her and started fucking her vigourously. Apazia was
surprised that the husband was so energetic as she thoroughly enjoyed
the session.

A year later, Aspazia gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby
grew up, he asked his father. "Papa, why am I black and you are
white?" Myrddin shouted " You are damn lucky, 5 cents more and you would
have been PURPLE."

Generation Gap

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents, young Michael
cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women.
I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"
With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close
behind.
"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."
"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute,
I'll go with you."
=======
A blonde decided to commit suicide. So, she thought being hit by
a train would not be that bad. She lay with her legs spread
over the railway line. The next day in the paper it read:
Train disappeared
Reward offered
=======
Q: Did you hear about the new douche they've made for women?
A: It's made of Marijuana, Arid Deodorant, and Kentucky Fried Chicken....
It leaves you high, dry, and finger licking good!
Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness
with a Hell's Angel Biker?
A: Someone who comes to your door on Sunday and tells
YOU to fuck off!

 

[melody]

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....
I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours?
Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire
room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change
the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look".
Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?
Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their ass!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?".
No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"....
Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'.
Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short".
What the hell?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone ! asks "Has the bus
come yet?".
If the bus came would I be standing here, dumass?

How To Keep A Woman Happy...

Oh what a man must go through.............
How to make a woman happy?
It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest (white lies okay)
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
50, keep the heat up

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. to never forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

1. Feed him
2. Fuck him
3. and Shut the fuck up.

 

[melody]

30 Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid

*A few clowns short of a circus
*A few fries short of a Happy Meal
*An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
*A few beers short of six-pack
*A few peas short of a casserole
*Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
*The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
*One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl
*One taco short of a combination plate


Death Notice

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in
the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the
papers delivered than a good friend of the family phoned and complained
bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he
died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to
remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
__________

An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
examination whereupon the doctor said
"You are in fine shape for your age.. but tell me..
do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute .. I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She went
... out to the reception room and said:
"Jake do we still have intercourse?"
Jake answered impatiently........
"If I told you once I told you a thousand times...
We have blue cross !!"
__________

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer.
You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer... TWICE!
*A few feathers short of a whole duck
*All foam, no beer
*Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
*Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
*Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
*Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
*Too much yardage between the goalposts
*An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
*As smart as bait
*Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
*Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair
*Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
*Forgot to pay his brain bill
*Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
*His belt doesn't go through all the loops
*If he had another brain, it would be lonely
*No grain in the silo
*Proof that evolution can go in reverse
*Receiver is off the hook
*Several nuts short of a full pouch
*He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down


A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.
Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.
As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."

 

[melody]

Two Drunks

One day two drunks are sitting in a bar drinking. One drunk notices a
sign saying, "Lady in the back."

Being curious, they called the bartender over and asked what it
meant. The bartender says, "Well, there is a lady in the back that will satisfy
all your requests for only $20.00 and the answer to a riddle."

One of the drunks, thinking how cheap and easy it should be, gives the
bartender a twenty and heads for the back.

Laying on the bed is a beautiful and voluptuous red head. The drunk
says,
"I paid my twenty so what is the riddle?"

The red head says, "If my pussy was to sail out to sea, how would you
bring my pussy back to me?"

The drunk thinks for a minute and then answers, "I don't know. How'd
the damn cat get out there?"

The red head laughs and says, "Go on, you didn't answer the riddle."

The drunk, pissed off and embarrassed, sits down by his buddy. The
buddy is anxiously waiting to hear what happened and asks, "Well, how good
was it?"

Feeling very embarrassed, the drunk answers, " I couldn't answer this
damn riddle about some f****** cat."

So the second drunk says, "Well, this I've got to try." He calls the
bartender over and throws him a twenty while heading for the back
room.

There lies the beautiful and voluptuous red head, all spread out and
smiling. She proceeds to say, "If my pussy was to sail out to sea, how
would you bring my pussy back to me?"

The second drunk answers, "Well, I don't know. Don't you think the
damn cat is dead by now?"

She laughs and says, "Go on, you didn't answer the riddle."

Now the drunks are pissed, frustrated, and out forty dollars. While
complaining to the bartender, in walks this huge sailor with his
duffle bag. He walks up to the bartender, throws a twenty down and
says, "Where is the room?" The bartender stands back and just points the way for
the sailor.

The sailor opens the door and says, "Okay, let's hear it."

The voluptuous red head, with eyes open wide, sits up and says, "If my
pussy was to sail out to sea, how would you bring my pussy back to
me?"

The sailor, taking his duffle bag and throwing it on the floor says:

"Well, with this bag I'll make a boat,
And with my balls, I'll make it float.
With my dick, I'll make and oar,
And row your pussy back to shore."
********
A guy's talking to a girl in a bar.
He says, "What's your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"
He says, "Beerfuck."

Champagne

A Texan enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a
gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of
... champagne to be sent over to her-knowing that if she accepts it,
she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl,
saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and
decides to send a note with the bottle back over to the Texan.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle,
you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1M in the bank,
and 7 inches in your pants."
WELL, the Texan, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to
her and it read:
"Just so you know-I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage,
I have over $2M in the bank, but not even for YOU,
would I cut off 2 inches! Sorry, honey."
___________

I bought a racehorse today."

"Oh, really? What is the horse's name, gender, timing, and what are you going to do with him??

"I've decided to call him 'My Face.' He is male, runs a mile in just under a minute. I don't care if he doesn't win a race or if he makes me any money."

"Then why'n the hell did ya buy him??

I just want to hear thousands of those uppity posh bitches at the race course shouting: 'Come on, My Face!'

GOD I'd love to hear that!"

 

[melody]

Tiny Miserable Baby

A woman marched into the doctors office with a tiny miserable baby that
was howling at the top of its lungs and demanded," Do something about
this baby".

After a quick examination, the doctor realized the baby was
malnourished. He's obviously not getting enough milk," he said
sternly. "is he being breast fed?”

"Yes," replied the woman.

PENIS TAX

The only thing I.R.S. has not taxed is the penis.
This is due to the fact that
40% of the time it's hanging around unemployed.
20% of the time it's pissed off,
... 30% of the time it's hard up,
10% of the time it's in the hole.
On top of all this, it has two dependants
and they are both nuts.

Accordingly, starting January 1, 2013,
Penises will be taxed according to size!!
To determine the category,
please consult the chart below
and comfirm this information with page 2,
section 7, line 3, of the standard 1040p form.
10 to 12 inches* Luxury Tax $50.00
8 to 10 inches Pole Tax $ 30.00
6 to 8 inches Privilege Tax $ 15.00
4 to 6 inches Nuisance Tax $ 5.00
PLEASE NOTE: under under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST AN EXTENSION
Males exceeding 2 inches must file Capital Gain.

Issues still under consideration are as follows...
Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
Are condoms deductible as work clothes?

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Service
Nicole Cheeks
========
One blonde asks another: "Which is closer, Vancouver... or the Moon?"
The other replies: " HELLOOOOO, can you see Vancouver?"

What happened when the cat swallowed a one pound coin?
There was money in the kitty

What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck?
A duck filled fatty puss.

"Then the milk supply isn't adequate. Please take your blouse off."

The woman obliged, and the doctor proceeded to give her a very thorough
breast exam, kneading, rubbing, massaging, and sucking each breast at
some length.

Finally, perplexed, he announced that he could see why there was a
problem. "You aren't producing any milk at all."

"Of course not," she responded." It's my sister's kid,"

"Why on earth did you come?" asked the doctor in amazement.

"I didn't," she replied, "until you started sucking on the other tit."

=======

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the US from China.

They decided to become American Citizens, and "Americanize" their names.

Bu - called himself "Buck"

Chu called himself "Chuck"

and Fu had to go back to China.
=======
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

 

[melody]

Green Shit

A man walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "Give me a shot of that
green shit you have
over there."

The bartender said, "I don't know about that, sir, it's pretty strong."

The man replied, "Good, give me two shots. I just found out my older son's
gay."

The bartender understood and gave the man two shots of the green shit.

The next night the same man walked into the bar and said, "Give me four
shots of that green shit
from last night."

The bartender said, "Are you sure about that?"

The man said, "Yes, I just found out that my younger son is gay."

The bartender understood and gave him four shots of the green shit.

Then the next night the man went back to the bar and said, "Give me eight
shots of that green shit."

The bartender said, "I don't think I can do that."

The man said, "Please, I had a horrible day."

The bartender said, "Doesn't anyone in your family eat pussy?"

The man said, "Yeah, my wife."


Q: What are invisible and smell like dog food?
A: Old people's farts.

Q: What does a 14 year old girl from Tasmania say after the first time that she has sex?
A: Get off of me Dad you're crushing my cigarettes..

Q: What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs who gives good head?
A: Partially disabled

Q: Why did the army private tattoo sergeant's stripes on his cock?
A: He loved to pull rank!

 

[melody]

Naughty Little Johnny

Little Johnny was only six years old when he tried to feel his sister's friend's pussy. She slapped him and said not to do that because her pussy had teeth and it would bite!
Years passed and little Johnny grew into a man. He was sitting in his car with his girlfriend, rubbing her thighs and squeezing her tits, when she said, "Are you ever going to feel my pussy Johnny?"
"I can't!" replied Johnny, "All pussy's have teeth!"
"What do you mean? My pussy doesn't have teeth!" his girlfriend replied, "Look I will show you!"
Johnny's girlfriend opened her legs wide for him to see and she opened up her pussy hole as far as it would stretch.
"Your right!" said Johnny, "But I'm not surprised you have no teeth, with gums like that!"
sssss
What's the smallest hotel known to man?
A cunt. Because you leave your bags outside!
Why do women find it hard to piss first thing in the morning?
Have you ever tried opening a toasted cheese sandwich!
Why do women have cunts?
So that men will speak to them!
What's worse than a dead dog on your piano?
An infected pussy on your organ!
sssss
Little Harry walked into the bathroom and saw his mum with no clothes on standing in front of him. He looked up at her private parts and said, "What's that mum?"
His mum froze and tried to think of something to say. Finally she said, "That's where your dad hit me with an axe!"
"Good shot!" replied little Harry, "Right in the cunt!"

 

[melody]

THERE'S TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY!

TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
7 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing
the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what
I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I
was trying to breathe.

Blow Job Etiquette


WHAT A GIRL HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about
the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."

WHAT A MAN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier
than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no damner of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

 

[melody]

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

English: He's cleaning his automobile
Chinese: Wa Shing Ka

English: This is a tow away zone
Chinese: No Pah King
English: Is there a fugitive here?
Chinese: Hu Yu Hai Ding?

English: Small Horse
Chinese: Tai Ni Po Ni

English: Your price is too high!!!
Chinese: No Bai Nut Ding!!!

English: Did you go to the beach?
Chinese: Wai Yu So Tan?

English: I bumped into a coffee table
Chinese: Ai Bang Mai Ni

English: It's very dark in here
Chinese: Wai So Dim?
English: Has your flight been delayed?
Chinese: Hao Long Wei Ting?

English: I thought you were on a diet?
Chinese: Wai Yu Mun Ching?

English: They have arrived
Chinese: Hai Dei Kum

English: Your body odor is offensive
Chinese: Yu Stin Ki Pu

English: You know lyrics to the Macarena?
Chinese: Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

English: I got this for free
Chinese: Ai No Pei
English: Stay out of sight
Chinese: Lei Lo

English: Phew! Does this bathroom stink!
Chinese: Hu Flung Dung?


You Know.....

YOU KNOW YOUR LIFE SUCKS WHEN.....
A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.
You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft.
You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment.
Your children's school calls to surrender.
The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice.
Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.
Your plants do better when you don't talk to them.
All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists.
Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection,plastic.

You know you are in the wrong Church when:

1. The church bus has gun racks.
2. The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.
3. The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version."
4. There's an ATM in the lobby.
5. Choir wears leather robes.
6. Worship services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake."
7. No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.
8. Karaoke Worship Time.
9. Ushers ask, "Smoking or Non-smoking?"
10. The only song the organist knows is "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."

 

[melody]

Red Tomatoes

A very beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get
her tomatoes to turn red.

One day while taking a stroll she came upon a handsome gentleman
neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

She asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my
tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn
red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same
thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.

So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping
for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way,
how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied,"but my cucumbers are enormous."

A Fairy Wish

A Fairy told a married couple:

"For being such an exemplary Married couple for 25 years, I will give
you each a wish."

"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband"
said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! two tickets appeared
in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said:

"Well......this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this
only occurs once in a lifetime. So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish
is......to have a wife 30 years younger than me"

The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish.

The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and.......abracadabra!...

Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.

Men might be bastards But Fairies are Female!

=========

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking
about their professions.
The one guy says,
"I'm a YUP..ya know...Young, Urban, Professional.
The second guys says
... "I'm a DINK..ya know, Double Income No Kids."
They asked the woman, "What are you?
"She replied.... "I'm a WIFE...ya know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.

 

[melody]

Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get
naked, and start fingering themselves and each other. After a few
minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they
measure the slimy outline she leaves. The second one then squats on
the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which
is even bigger. The third one squats on the table, but when she
stands back up, the first whore says, "You didn't leave an outline."
She says, "Smell the rim."
=======
*There was a young plumber named Lee
Who plumbed his girl down by the sea;
Said the lady, "Stop plumbing!
I hear someone coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "That's me."

*My dental hygienist, Faye Ray,
Said, "Travis, eat pussy each day;
Your gums will be stronger,
Your teeth will last longer,
Coz pussy prevents tooth decay!"
*On the banks of the Thames stood lord Buckingham
Dreaming of tits and of sucking them
While watching the stunts
Of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks who were fuckin' 'em


Things Men Shouldn't Say After Sex

~*~ "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."
~*~ "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"
~*~ "How come it's so BIG in there?"
~*~"You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"
~*~"Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear,...OK?"
~*~ (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"
~*~ (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"
~*~ "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"
~*~ "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."
~*~ "Do you know what a 'douche' is?"
~*~ "Maybe if you did some push ups, your boobs would grow."
~*~ "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."
~*~ "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday
night or something?"
~*~ "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"
~*~ "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before!"
~*~ "I've been getting these little blisters lately...."
~*~ "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"
~*~ "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"

O0O0O0O0O0O

Little Johnny and his dad were in the front yard attempting to fly a
kite. Every time the kite went up into the air, it came crashing down.
This went on for a while until Little Johnny's mom stuck her head out of
the front door and yelled, "You need more tail!"

Little Johnny's father yelled back "Shut the Fuck up you BITCH! I told
you yesterday that I needed more tail... and you told me to go fly a
fucking kite!"

 

[melody]

Babies

A polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby
came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had
a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without
hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local
college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What
ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year

or so he'll start to talk.
We just want to be able to understand him."

Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist,
so everyone will know what it looks like in here."
The next one says, "I want to be an olympic swimmer because I get so much practice
in here." Then the last baby says," I'm going to be a hunter, because if that
snake comes in here and pokes me again I'm gonna chop that damned thing in half!"

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.

It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"

A young boy knows about sex and where babies come from because his
mother told him that "the man puts his penis inside the woman and she
gets pregnant." A few days later, after pondering this for some time,
the boy asks in all the innocence and wonder of a child, "Does the man
ever get his penis back??"

A teenager is walking downtown and a girl whispers to him, "Blowjob, five dollars". He gives her a strange look and keeps walking. Soon another girl does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking. The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was "Mom, what's a blowjob?". His mom replies "Five dollars, just like downtown!".
======
Three prostitutes are chatting in a bar one night and the topic comes up on how loose they are.
The first one says, "Oh, three fingers."
The second says, "Gotcha beat, my whole fist!"
The third one just laughed and slid down the bar stool.
=======
Pick-Up Line: "That blouse looks very becoming on you, but if I were
on you, I'd be coming too."
======
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts.
"This is her husband!"


Q: What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A:A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

Q: What is the difference between garbage and an ugly girl?
A: Garbage gets picked up at least once a week.

Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later.

Q: What is the strongest muscle?
A: Tongue.... Because it can raise woman's hip with just one lick.


Love is a complicated machinery. But sometimes all you need is a good screw to fix it.


"How did your evening with your new boyfriend go?"
"It was a disaster. We were nude in bed in heavy foreplay and he had a premature ejaculation."
"What did he say when it occurred?"
"He just said I was the loveliest girl he had ever come across."

 

[melody]

Good Girls; Bad Girl's And Naughty Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Naughty girls unbutton your pants

Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack

Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Naughty girls do it with whips and chains

Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
Naughty girls don't really give a shit

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Naughty girls want a "pearl necklace "

Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Naughty girls pack their dildos

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection

Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Naughty girls make you wear high heels

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Naughty girls have sex all over the place

Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra

Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Naughty girls don't say anything, they just moan and scream a lot.

Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
Naughty girls go to the party, hit on every guy there and then go home with two of them.

Piano Player

A bar had a sign in the window advertising that they needed a piano
player. A scroungy-looking, old, retired Navy Chief entered the bar and
told the bartender he was interested in the job. The bartender wasn't
too impressed with his looks but said, "What the hell," and pointed the
old sailor to the piano in the corner.

The tattooed old veteran sat down and started to play the most
beautiful, melodious piece of music the people in the bar had ever
heard. All talk stopped while he played, and when he finished with a
musical flourish, they all applauded.

"Hey, man, you're good," said the barkeep. "What was that?"

"That was an original composition I call, 'Drop Them Panties And
Grease-Up, Woman, 'Cause It's Gonna Be A Long, Long Night.' "

"Interesting title," said the bartender. "Got another?"

The old sailor broke into a foot stompin' honky-tonk piece that brought
the bar patrons to their feet, clapping along until it was finished,
when they again gave him a thunderous round of applause.

"You are great, man. Really great. What do you call that one?" asked the
bartender.

"That's another original little ditty I call, 'I Wanna Lick Yer Bare
Butt, Baby, 'Til I Make You Bark Like A Fox.' "

The old sailor then turned around on the bench and said, "If you'll
excuse me, I need to use the restroom."

While he was gone, the bartender decided to offer him the job, starting
immediately. When the old musician returned a few moments later, the
bartender said, "If you want the job, it's yours."

He looked down and noticed the old sailor hadn't "quite" finished his
trip to the restroom.

"By the way," he asked him, "do you know your pecker is hanging out for
all the world to see?"

"Know it? Hell, I WROTE it!"

BBBB

Two men were in the pub discussing their latest sexual conquests. The
first man says he picked up this girl last week and they agreed to go
back to his
house and have sex. Once in the house the girl stripped off her
clothes,
lay down on the bed with legs apart and panted, "I want you to give me
twelve inches and make me bleed."
The second man not for one moment believed his friend was that
well-hung, asked what he did.
"Well" he says, "What could I do - I laid her twice and smacked
her in the face!"

 

[melody]

I Will Survive
~To the tune of Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive"~

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly fucker lying by my side.
I would've drunk a little less, I would've tried to keep my head,
If I'd known for just one second I'd be in your crusty bed ...

I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that I've fallen on the floor.
Your butt's a pimply mess, it's just a broken-out disgrace,
But I'd rather look at that, than at your fuckin' ugly face ...

I want to go, I've got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football really makes me want to heave.
I only know I've got to stop my drinking spirits and the beer
Cuz when I looked at you last night, you looked just like Richard Gere!

I can't believe that we both shagged.
You should be wearing concrete shoes, or simply bound and gagged.
I'm fucking off right now, I'm jumping on the flippin' train
and I'm not stopping till I'm home and washed your greeblies down the drain.

Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst sex in the world and you're an ugly little prick.
I should have fucked your gorgeous roommate, at least he's got a nice tight ass
But no, I go and trust the booze and now I'm stuck with you, and you have no class.

It's time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law.
I'm going to give up all the booze, I'm going to have no stupid fun,
Cuz waking up beside your mug, just makes me want to be a nun!

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤«::::»§«::::»¤»¤«::::»§«::::»¤«::::»§«::::»¤

Yes, in fact I do suffer from PMS ...
Putting up with Men's Shit.

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤

As the doctor removed the fourth peanut butter cup
from my rectum, I came to a very, very important
realization: There *is* a wrong way to eat a Reese's.

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤

I don't mean to sound pessimistic, but it seems
as if everything I eat lately turns to shit.

Lesbionics

Q: What do lesbians do after an argument?
A: The go home and lick each others wounds.

A group of blind lesbians were bunchin'
Together to have a big luncheon.
But no one could tell,
Except by the smell,
Exactly whose cunt each was munchin'!

Q: How many screws are there in a lesbian's coffin?
A: None, it's all tongue-in-groove, with no studs.
Although most were called back because their tongues weren't long enough.

There's a new tennis shoe on the market made strictly for lesbians,
they are called DYKYS.


Q: Why were lesbians invented?
A: So feminists wouldn't breed.

Q: How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 19-One to change it and 18 to make a documentary about it.

Q: How do you know that you are in a real lesbian bar?
A: Not even the pool table has balls.

Q: What is the name for a fight between two Chinese lesbians?
A: A tong war.

A lesbian was in the gynecologist's office one day, and as the doctor began his examination, he remarked, "My, aren't we clean today?"
"Yeah," replied the rug muncher, "I have a woman who comes in twice a week."

Q: What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian?
A: Vagitarian.

What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet

What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke

What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.

What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.

What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.

What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.

Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake .

What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker; the other's a crack snacker.

What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 city workers?
100 people that don't do Dick.

 

[melody]

Old Mr. Periwinkle

Old Mr. Periwinkle was the nastiest, meanest patient in the hospital. So one day, Betty, the head nurse, decided to try and cheer him up. She brings him a beautiful bouquet of flowers and sets them down on his bedside table. Mean old Mr. Periwinkle promptly picks them up, throws them up against the wall, breaks the vase and flowers go everywhere. Betty patiently cleans up the mess and leaves the room. Later in the day, Betty comes back in and says to Mr. Periwinkle, "It's time to take your temperature, Mr. Periwinkle." He grumpily opens his mouth but Betty says, "No, not this time Mr. Periwinkle. We have to check it in the other end this time." Grumbling, Mr. Periwinkle turns over and sticks his rear end up in the air. Betty sticks it in and leaves the room. A while later, Dr. Brown is walking past Mr. Periwinkles room and looks in. He does a double take and wal ks in his room. "Mr. Periwinkle, what are you doing?" he says. "Oh that old nurse is taking my temperature." he replies. To which Dr. Brown says, "With a daisy?"
,,,,,
Deb and Jeff had just finished a vigorous round of passionate sex when
Jeff discovered that the condom he was using had come off. After the
initial panic wore off and expletives were issued, Jeff, in a fit of
humor, grabbed a flashlight, and while pointing it towards Deb's
private parts yelled:
"Swim toward the light! Swim toward the light!"
,,,,,
"You'll never believe what happened to me!" said Andy to Fred.
"What?"
"This weekend, I went out hunting, and I came across a girl tied to the railroad tracks! She had the most beautiful body I ever saw! I untied her and I fucked her for hours! It was great!"
"So, did she suck a good dick?"
"Well, that's the only thing. I looked and looked, but I never did find her head."

Dr. Chang

A woman is very distraught because she hasn't had a
date or any sex in quite sometime. Concerned that she
may have something wrong with her, she decides to
employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her
family doctor recommends Dr. Chang, a well-known
Chinese sex therapist.
The next day, the woman enters the examination room,
and Dr. Chang says, "Okay, take off all your crose."
The woman thinks nothing of the doctor's request,
considering she is in a doctor's office, after all.
Then, Dr. Chang says, "Now, get down and crawl reery
fass to the other side of room."
The reluctant woman complies. She gets down onto the
floor and crawls to the other side of the room.
The doctors holds back a smirk, slowly shakes his head,
and says, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary
Disease. Worse case I ever see. That why you not haf
sex or dates."
Confused, the woman asks, "What in the world is this
Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang replies, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary
rike your ass."


Q: Mommy, Mommy! Why don't I have a big thing like Daddy's between my
legs?
A: You will when you're older, Lucy!
Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Don't pay her.
Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a cat?
A: A pussy-gobbler.
Q: What's the difference between a gynecologist and a geneologist?
A: A genealogist looks up your family tree and a genealogist looks
up your family bush.


One day a boy asks his dad,
What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?
Dad thought for a minute and said "Come with me." He took his
son to his mother's bedroom, where she was sleeping nude.
Son" he whispered, see that brown soft furry patch?
That is a pussy".
The boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and furry it is?
No!" replied his father.
That might wake the cunt up

 

[melody]

Prostitutes

A cowboy arrives in a little town, enters the saloon and screams, "I want a woman, I want a fuck!"
"Welcome." says the owner, "We have Rosy the Red who fucks like three witches for only $30!"
"She's wonderful!" replied the cowboy, "But I don't have that much money!"
"No problem." said the owner, "For $20, Blondie the Blonde sucks your cock out of your underwear!"
"She's real pretty," replied the cowboy, "But I don't have that much money!"
"No problem sir!" said the owner, "For $10 Terry the Terrible will keep your cock in her hand til the mornin!"
"She's nice," replied the cowboy, "But I don't hav......"
"How much fucking money do you have then?" screamed the owner.
"Errrrr," whispered the cowboy, "25 cents!"
"Alright then," gasped the owner, "Go upstairs to room 22!"
The cowboy runs upstairs, opens the door of room 22, and on the bed sees a nice young girl lying with her legs wide open. He jumps on her and begins fucking. After ten minutes he goes downstairs and says to the owner, "I... I think I have a problem!"
"What about?" replied the owner.
"Well," said the cowboy, "You know the young lady in room 22.....I was having fun with her and suddenly she turned her face and threw up a load of white mess!"
"Oh shit!" screamed the owner, "Someone go and change the corpse in room 22, it's full again!"

iiii

Two prostitutes were talking about how rough times were.
One said, "You know, times are so bad that I did a trick last night for five measly bucks, just so I had the taxi fare home!"
"Huh," replied the other slag, "I gave away a blowjob last night just to get something warm in my stomach!"

I've Learned.....

I've learned that you cannot make someone love
you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they
panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up
trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy
it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for
about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better
have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself
to others - they are more fucked up than you
think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after
you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what
we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and
steamy a relationship is at first, the passion
fades, and there had better be a lot of money
to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you
expect to kick you when you're down will be
the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad
friends because their dysfunction makes us feel
better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how you try to
protect your children, they will eventually
get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about
in life are taken from you too soon and all the
less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take
a joke" in 6 languages.

========================================

Did You Know!

Laughing stock is really cattle with a sense of humor.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?
...
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Eating right. Staying fit. Die anyway.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

A shin is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

 

[melody]

The Older Woman

A guy ends up with an older woman at a bar last. She looked pretty good for a 55-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s Double”? “What’s that?” the guy asked. “It’s a mother and daughter threesome.” she said.
As the guy’s mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, “No, I haven’t”. They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, “tonight’s your lucky night.” They hopped into a taxi and went back to her place. When they arrived back at her place and they walked into the front door, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs “Mom… you still awake?”

*****

*There once was a lass called Louise,
who’s cunt smelt like Limburger Cheese,
she leaked so much grunge,
that she purchased a sponge,
that sopped up the muck to her knees.

*There was a young man from Bombay,
who shagged 20 chickens a day,
he wouldn’t stop fucking,
till they all started clucking,
then he’d eat all the eggs that they lay.

*There once was a man from Leeds,
who swallowed a packet of seeds,
within half an hour,
his dick was a flower,
and his balls were all covered with weeds.

*There once was a lady from Reno,
who lost all her cash playing keno,
so she laid on her back,
opened her crack,
and now she owns the casino.

Sex Therapy

A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist's office in Winter Haven
Florida.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, Will you watch
us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished,
the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have
intercourse," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then
leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find
out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married

and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $140. We do it here for

$50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.


Which is more profitable, a two story or a one story whore house?
-A one story because there's no fucking overhead!
What do you get if you cross a prostitute with an elephant?
-A whore who fucks you for peanuts and remembers you forever!
Why do men like women in leather?
-Because they smell like new cars.
What should you do if you arrive home and find your wife in bed
with another man?
-Make sure his guide dog hasn't shit on the bedroom floor!
How does a woman know when a man fakes an orgasm?
-She ends up swimming in a sea of piss!