JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

When It's Okay To Fart In Public:

~^~ In your boss' office as you are turning to leave. Tip- Make sure
it's a silent one.

~^~ In a bathroom.

~^~ In a cashier's line - it might help to speed up things.

~^~ In an empty elevator before you get off.

~^~ Next to an occupied changing room - it may quickly become
unoccupied.

~^~ In someone else's unoccupied cubicle at work.

~^~ While parachuting.

~^~ While scuba diving.

~^~ In the back seat of a patrol car if you are arrested.

~^~ During interrogation if you're the one being interrogated.

~^~ In your car if you've been carjacked.

~^~ In the changing room when you're sure someone else is waiting
his/her turn.

~^~ In your car once you've been pulled over… the cop may let you go
quicker.

~^~ During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors.

~^~ While walking down a crowded hallway. Nobody will know whom to
blame.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
A: It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

Q: How can you tell when you're REALLY ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

Q: How do you trick a blonde into marrying you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.

Q: Why are blondes always so quiet when they're fucking?
A: Because they were raised not to talk to strangers.

Q: What's the difference being in a "69", and driving in the fog?
A: I don't know, either, but at least in a "69" you can see the asshole in
front of you.

Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the air valve stem


Top Ten Things Men / Women Would Do If They Woke Up And Had A
Vagina / Penis For A Day:

Vagina For A Day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes... BEFORE
closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more
without sleeping first. (Yeah!)

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it
recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too...

And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they
woke up with a vagina...

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.


Penis For A Day:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get oral sex.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging
orgasm.

4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought to how improper
it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as
funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which
occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to
his member which causes two inches to be added to the final
measurement.

And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if
they woke up with a penis...

1. Repeat number 9.

 

[melody]

Ants In Her Pants

There are two ants living in a girl's pair of panties.

One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour.

So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up.

One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeew!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant.

"It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?".

"Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me."

77777

Holy mother , full of grace
Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face
Bless his hair that tends to curl
Keep him safe from all the girls
Bless his arms that are so strong
Keep his hands where they belong
Bless his dick, the one i sucked
Bless the bed, in which we fucked
And if my mum happened to walk in
Bless the shit i'd be in.

Very Important Info

1) 94% of men lie about their dick size. According to condom manufacturers, only 6% of men need to use extra large condoms.

2) The average man is 4-5 inches long when erect; no matter what you have heard ladies, that's the truth. Incidentally the average vaginal capactity is
Only 6 inches, for you women who think you can handle king dong.

3) 80% of American men are circumsized, though Pediatrics say it is not necessary.

4) No matter what all the ads say nothing but time can make your penis grow. (most men reach the end of their growth by the early 20's)

5) There is no correlation between penis size and shoe size, hand size, or nose size.

6) Blue balls does exist! It's technically called "prostatic congestion."

7) Only 16% of men shave their privates.


+Some stuff on the ladies+

1) Only 9% of women around the globe consider themselves "attractive" (20% of British women do). 43% of women use the term "natural", 24% say
They have "average" looks, 8% prefer the term "feminine", 7% say they are "good looking", and 7% say they are "cute", and finally only 2% of women say they are "sexy".

2) An estimated 85% of women wear the wrong size bra.

3) 60% of women have had breast implants.

4) 75% of women like giving/getting oral sex.

5) 95% of women shave their privates.


+Both+

1) Masturbation is healthy for both men and women.

2) 70% of highschoolers have had sex before they have graduated. 27% loose their virginity senior prom night. Only 3% wait until marriage.

3) 95% of men would have sex with a girl after 1 month of ******. Only 10% of women feel this way.

4) Teens are most likely to have sex for the first time in June.

5) First-time intercourse is often unplanned, meaning it's less likely teens will use contraception.

6) Virginity is often lost with a person they haven't been ******.


+5 Reasons Why Sex is Good+

1) It is a good workout. Sex burns about 150 calories every half an hour. It will lower your cholesterol and improve breathing circulation.

2) You won't get sick. According to research if you have sex 1-2 times a week you are less likely to get sick.

3) You'll feel happier. You will feel a greater sense of well-being. Women who have more sex were clinically proven to be less depressed than women
Who don't have sex.

4) Makes you look better; problem is that ugly people don't get any. Sex releases hormones which make your skin and hair softer and shinier and tone your physique.

5) (The best reason) You will live longer. Studies prove that sex makes you live longer. Men who had sex 1-2 times a week had half the death rate as those who did not indulge themselves at least once a month. It also makes you look younger. If you have sex 3 times a week you may look up to 10 years younger than you really are.


Did You Know?

1) Having sex 3 times a week for 1 year adds up to running 75 miles!!!!

 

[melody]

If you dreamt about Masturbation

Auto-erotic dreams are a symptom of emotional isolation.
Let your guard down and reach out to others. After all, during a
waking session of self-love, you surely conjure a fantasy more
interesting than the image of you *doing* yourself.
On the other hand, a dream in which you're masturbating in the
form of the opposite sex is a testament to your capacity for intimacy.





The Dream Of A Beautiful Stranger

I drifted off to sleep, I felt a hand upon my breast
I Looked into the eyes of a woman who was undressed

I didn't move her hand, I Wondered what to do
I felt a strange emotion, something wonderful and new

she gently kissed my head, and she pushed away my hair
she kissed me on my lips, I had to gasp for air

she was so soft and silky, she smelled of sweet perfume
blood was rushing to my head, I had to have some room

I reached and touched her breast, kissing each one real slow
I opened my mouth as much as I could, she whispered something low

I ran my hand all over her, she was so willing to my touch
I wanted to devour her, I wanted her so much

I slid her to the side, admired the beauty of her face
I removed her panties, her heart began to race

when I touched her curly hair, it was wet and begging me
I placed my hand between her legs, traced down around her knee

she spread her pussy eagerly, I savored every drop
I had my tongue inside of her, she begged me not to stop

I teased her swollen clit, I rubbed it soft then stopped
she pushed my head down on her, then I climbed up on the top

I felt her mouth consuming me, I felt her need for more
I lost control and loved it, my head began to roar

what on earth was going on? I sat up to look around
I was alone - no one was home, I had removed my gown

I couldn't understand at first, it all seemed so real
I was so wet and horny, I felt I had no will

I guess I had been dreaming, I needed something more
I noticed a pair of panties that were not there before

I reached and touched my nipples they were raging with desire
I squeezed them with my fingers, my pussy was on fire

my hand ran down my belly, I played around a bit
my fingers slip inside of me, as my thumb caressed my clit

I came so very quickly, but I was far from through
I thought for just a moment, but then I knew what I could do

I stepped into my shower, turned the water on real strong
I sat and opened up my legs, I enjoyed it for so long

I pulled away the hood, that hides that special spot
that makes me wild with passion, that keeps me wet and hot

I let the water take me, I resisted and tried to stay
when it was finally over I had to pull away

the water began to soothe me, I managed to break a smile
I guess I'll have to stop and rest
for a least a little while

Here's What You Need:
Just the two of you.

Here's How You Do It:
Get your man naked. Have him lie on his back.
Lie on your stomach beside your man, facing him.
Using your index finger, press the head of your man's penis against his stomach.
Gently fondle his testicles with your other hand.

Starting at the base of his shaft, flick your tongue back and forth
along the exposed underside of your man's penis. Slowly move upward until you
reach the head of his penis (your tongue should feel like the small keys
of a typewriter typing away at paper).

Once you reach the head, quickly run your flattened tongue back down
the shaft in a single, long stroke. That's the carriage return.

Continue until your man achieves an orgasm worth writing home about.


Your husband is exercising
So he'll fit in your clothes
You can't find your vibrator
Your daughter "borrowed" it

]]]

Dear Lord
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man
Love to forgive him
And Patience for his moods
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength ....
I'll beat him to death!


I need to be extra careful not to get pregnant!" Rose exclaimed to her friend Paula.
"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy?" Paula responded
"He did! shrieked Rose.
]]]
One blonde was instructing another in the art of fellatio. Blonde 2 ventured,
"I wonder how long dicks should be sucked."
"That's easy!" said Blonde 1, "The same as the short ones!"
]]]
A young man who had the job of collecting sperm from turkeys to use on other
turkeys distinctly heard the turkey he approached, say, "Gobble, Gobble!"
"Fuck you, fellah! You get a hand job just like all the rest!"

 

[melody]

> Funny Sexual Positions

All The Sexual Positions That You Can Try With Your Special Someone Tonight!
> Tea Bag: As you are sitting on a girl's face, repeatedly dip your scrotum in and out of her mouth
>
> Pancaking: After you have preformed the teabag, you sit and flop your nuts on and as far across the girl's face as possible. A.K.A. Ball sacking
>
> Angry Dragon: Immediately after you blow your load in a girls mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.
>
> Shocker: When fingering a girl with two fingers, very suddenly and without her knowing, bend your ring finger down to touch your thumb, and while the two fingers are still in her pussy, stick your pinky up her ass. Two in the pink, one in the stink.
>
> Smurf: Smurffing is when the guy takes his dick and flogs it onto the side of the girl's face.
>
> Dog In The Bathtub: You attempt to insert your cock and nuts into a girl's ass. Now, which is harder; getting the dog in the bath, or keeping the dog in?
>
> Dirty Sanchez: A time honored event in which while laying the bone doggie style, you insert your finger into her asshole. You then pull it out and wipe it across her upper lip leaving a thin shit mustache. Take that you dirty Mexican.
>
> Houdini: Wanna be a magician? First off start ramming the bitch from behind. When you are about to cum, announce that you're cumming. Pull out and hock a loogie on her back, and when she turns around to look at you, bust a nut right on her face.
>
> Bucking Bronco: You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab her tits as tight as possible and yell another girls name. When she tries to get you off, see how long you can stay on this bucking bronco.
>
> The Donkey Punch: Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, you stick your dick in her ass, and then punch her in the back of the neck. The blow to the neck will stun the muscles in the female's ass, which will constrict and needless to say will make you cream everywhere.
>
> One Eyed Pirate: Blow your load in one of the bitch's eyes. While she tries to wipe it off, kick her in the shin. The desired effect is to get her hopping on one leg while holding the other, and covering one of her eyes with her free hand. She may even say "Argh!"
>
> Popcorn Surprise: Not really a sex position, but something really funny to do. First when you and your bitch are at a movie theatre, tell her that you will buy the popcorn while she holds the seats. When you buy the popcorn, cut a hole in the bottom, so when you sit down you can carefully maneuver your schlong into the hole. When she reaches in for a handful or two, she will get a nice surprise. Everyone likes buttered popcorn.
>
> Flaming Pele: This is funny as shit. You start plugging the girl from behind. You reach around with a lighter and light her bush on fire and you kick her off the bed. Flaming Pele.
>
> Flying Camel: As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees. You very carefully move forward and prop yourself (without using your arms) on your dick while it is still in her cunt. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long shrieking howl much like a flying camel. Strictly a classy move.
>
> Pearl Necklace: Whenever you cum on the neck/cleavage area of a girl. Give her some nice jewelry. Fuck that diamonds are forever shit.

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and
you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only
five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the
game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you
should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually
end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with
you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to
a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're
welcome.

Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they
can avoid if they remember the terminology! And send it to your women
friends to give them a good laugh!

Oh, and before we forget ...
"WHATEVER"
...it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

=====

Nurse: How old are you?
Patient: None of your business.
Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for his records.
Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?
Nurse: Yes. Fifty.
Patient: All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?
Nurse: Zero.
Patient: Right. And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my age.

 

[melody]

Naughty Little Johnny

So this teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling
them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can
use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands.
"Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids
with mumps, 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher.
Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious,"
and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"

Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the
class. (and she really doesn't want to call on Little Johnny) "Yes,
Johnny?" she says.

Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we
saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny
little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes
up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take
that cunt ages to finish that fence.

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

Q. What does 70 year old pussy taste like?
A. Depends!

Q. What's the hardest thing about a sex change operation?
A. Inserting the anchovies.

Q. What do you call a female clown?
A. A Clunt

Q. What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pubic hair?
A. Cunt Stubble.

Man Hit By Frying pan

A man is sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

Man: 'What was that for?'
Wife: 'What was that piece of paper in your pants' pocket with the name Marylou written on it?'
Man: 'Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on. '
The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes and goes off to work around the house.
Three days later the man is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

Man: 'What the hell was that for this time?'
Wife: 'Your horse called.'


The teacher says, "Let's discuss what your fathers do for a living."
Mary says, "My Dad is a policeman. He puts bad guys in jail."
Jack says, "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all sick people better."
The teacher says, to Dirty Johnny, "John, what does your Dad do?"
Johnny says, "My Dad is dead."
She says, "I'm sorry to hear that. But what did he do before he died?"
Johnny says, "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."


Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

DAFFYNITION: Tender love - two faggots with hemorrhoids.

Q: What do you call a queer dentist?
A: The Tooth Fairy, of course.

Q: How can you tell you're at a gay BBQ?
A: The hot dogs taste like shit.

Q: How many faggots does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one. But it takes an entire emergency room to remove it.


A naked old whore walked into a bar and asked the bartender for
a drink. "OK, but it genuinely looks like you won't be able to pay
for it."
The whore pointed to her well-used, flabby-lipped pussy, and
said, "Will this do?" blinking her long, false eyelashes at him.
"Don't you have anything smaller?"

 

[melody]

Dogs Versus Women/Men

26 reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
6. A dog's parents never visit.
7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point
across.
9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or
desk.
10. Dogs seldom outlive you.
11. Dogs can't talk.
12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a
day.
13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you
get another dog?"
17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them
away.
18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you
a pervert.
19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just
think it's interesting.
21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.
25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.
And, last but not least:

26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff!

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog
8. Dogs are easy to buy for
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you

MY PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace..

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little
crazy,

she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please

accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the

hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,

'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.

'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,

but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'


(You've gotta love this .)


'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING, SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU.
========
Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."
========
Q: What's the first sign that you've been kidnapped by an idiot?
A: He puts the return address on the ransom note.

Q: What's the second sign that you've been kidnapped by an idiot?
A: When your parents ask for proof that you're alive, he sends you home to tell them.

 

[hieu.hap]

up ph? bác, chúc bác d?t hÃ*ng :d

 

[melody]

The Good, Bad & Ugly

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
**************
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
*************
Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
**************
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them
***************
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
**************
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
*****************
Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
***************
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
***************
Good: Your son is ****** someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend
**************
Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your workmates are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do
=====
What's this?

"Give it here!"
"NO, IT'S MINE!"
"I said let me have it!"
"NO! IT'S MY TURN!"
"Come on! Give it to me!"
"NO WAY!"

Siamese twins whacking off.

Doggy Style

A happily married man, one night, asked his wife to have sex
"doggy style."

"No!" she said, aghast.

Throughout their long relationship, he would periodically ask her
to have sex "doggy style."

She always emphatically said "No!"

Finally, on the man's deathbed, he asked his wife why she refused
his simple request to have sex on her hands and knees.

"Hands and knees?" she said, "I thought you meant in the front
yard!"

77777

Q: What do lesbians always bring to work?
A: Box lunches.

Q: Why are faggots such pricks?
A: You are what you eat.
Q: Why do pedophiles like Halloween?
A: Free home delivery.

Q: What is a shit?
A: A faggot's wet dream.
Q: How can you tell if a novel is homosexual?
A: The hero always gets his man in the end.

Q: How can you tell if a Western is homosexual?
A: All the good guys are hung.

 

[melody]

The Internet
What Is The Internet ? - A FAQ For Beginners

Q. What's a FAQ ?
A. This text is.. it means "Frequently Asked Questions"

Q. Oh, so it's not a dirty word then ?
A. No, - it just sounds a bit like one.

Q. So, What, exactly, is the Internet?
A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government,
business, and private computer systems.

Q. Who runs it?
A. A 12-year-old named Kevin.

Q. How can I get on the Internet?
A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the
popular commercial "on-line" services, such as AOL,
CompuServe, Netscape Online, BT Internet, etc, etc,
which will give you their program disks for free. Or,
if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak
in some night and install their programs on your
computer when you're sleeping. They are really
desperate for your business with them.

Q. What are the benefits of these services?
A.The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user-friendly"
interfaces that enable you -- even if you have no previous computer
experience -- to provide the on-line services with the information they
need to automatically put monthly charges on your credit card bill
forever.

Q. What if I die?
A. They don't care.

Q. Can't I cancel my account?
A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.

Q. How?
A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us
have been trying for years to cancel our on-line
service accounts, but no matter what we do, the
charges keep appearing on our bills. We're thinking of
entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.

Q. What if I have children?
A. You'll want an anaesthetic, because it really hurts.

Q. No, I mean What if my children also use my Internet
account?
A. You should just sign your house and major internal
organs over to the on-line service right now.

Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do
once I'm connected to an on-line service?
A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things!
No end to the number of things you can do!

Q. Like what?
A. You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat.

Q. Chat?
A. Chat.

Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends.
A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of
people all over the entire globe, you can chat with
total strangers, many of whom are boring and stupid!

Q. Sounds great! How does it work?
A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to
chat in. Some areas are just for general chatting, and
some are for specific interest groups, such as Teens,
Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay Teens Who
Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having Pointless
Arguments About Sports. At any given moment, an area can contain
anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake names such as
"ByteMe2" so nobody will know their real identities.

Q. What are their real identities?
A. They represent an incredible range of people, people
of all ages, in all kinds of fascinating fields from
scientists to singers, from writers to wranglers, from
actors to athletes -- you could be talking to almost
anybody on the Internet!

Q. Really?
A. No. You re almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed
13-year-old boys. But they pretend to be writers, wranglers, scientists,
singers, etc.

Q. What do people talk about in chat areas?
A.Most chat-area discussions revolve around the
fascinating topic of who is entering and leaving the
chat area. A secondary, but equally fascinating topic
is where everybody lives. Also, for a change of pace,
every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a hormone-crazed
13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to women -- or to other
13-year-old boys. To give you an idea of how scintillating the repartee
can be, here's a re-creation of a typical chat area dialogue (Do not
read this scintillating repartee while operating heavy machinery.)


LilBrisket: Hi everybody
Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket
Toadster: Hi Bris
Lungftook: Hi B
LilBrisket: What's going on?
Toadster: Not much
Lungftook: Pretty quiet

(LONGISH PAUSE)

Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
LilBrisket: No
Toadster: Nope
Lungftook: Sorry

(LONGISH PAUSE)

UvulaBob: Hi everybody
Toadster: Hi UvulaBob
Lungftook: Hi Uvula
LilBrisket: Hi UB
Wazootyman: Hi U
UvulaBob: What's happening?
LilBrisket: Kinda slow
Toadster: Same old same old
Lungflook: Pretty quiet
Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties
LilBrisket: OK, but I'm a man

(LONGISH PAUSE)

Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?
UvulaBob: No.

(LONGISH PAUSE)

Lungftook: Well, gotta run.
Toadster: 'bye, Lungflook
LilBrisket: Take 'er easy, Lungster
Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung
UvulaBob: So long, L

(LONGISH PAUSE)

PolypMaster: Hi everybody
LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster
Toadster: Yo, Polyp
UvulaBob: Hi, P
PolypMaster: What's going on?
LilBrisket: Not much
Toadster: Pretty quiet
UvulaBob: Kinda slow ...

And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting
hour, where the ideas flow fast and furious, and at
any moment you could learn some fascinating nugget of global-network
information, such as whether or not PolypMaster comes from Texas.

Q. I've heard that people sometimes use Internet chat
areas to have "cybersex." What exactly is that?
A. This is when two people send explicitly steamy
messages to each other, back and forth, back and
forth, faster and faster, hotter and hotter, faster
and faster and hotter and harder and harder until
OHHHH GODDDDDDDD they suddenly find that they have a
bad case of sticky keyboard, if you get my drift.

Q. That's disgusting!
A. Yes.

Q. Could you give an example?
A. Certainly

Born2Bone: I want you NOW
HunniBunni: I want YOU now
Born2Bone: I want to take off your clothes
HunniBunni: Yes! YES!
Born2Bone: I'm taking off your clothes
HunniBunni: OH YESSSS

(LONGISH PAUSE)

HunniBunni: Is something wrong?
Born2Bone: I can't unhook your brassiere
HunniBunni: I'll do it
Born2Bone: Thanks. Oh my god! I'm touching your,
umm, your...
HunniBunni:Copious bosoms?
Born2Bone: Yes! Your copious bosoms! I'm touching
them!
HunniBunni: YES!
Born2Bone: Both of them!
HunniBunni: YESSS!!
Born2Bone: I'm taking off your panties!
HunniBunni: You already did.
Born2Bone: Oh, OK. You're naked! I'm touching your
entire nakedness!
HunniBunni: YESSSSSS!!!
Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
Born2Bone: No
HunniBunni: No
Born2Bone: I am becoming turgid in my manfulness!
HunniBunni: YES! YES YOU ARE!! YOU ARE A BULL! YOU
ARE MY GREAT BIG RAGING BULL STALLION!

Wazootyman: Hey, thanks

HunniBunni: Not you
Born2Bone: I AM A STALLION! I AM A RAGING, BULGING
BULL STALLION, AND I AM THRUSTING MY ... MY ... ummm ...
HunniBunni: Your love knockwurst?
Born2Bone: YES! I AM THRUSTING MY LOVE KNOCKWURST
INTO YOUR ... YOUR...
HunniBunni: Promise you won't laugh?
Born2Bone: Yes
HunniBunni: My passion persimmon
Born2Bone: Ha ha!
HunniBunni: You promised!
Born2Bone: Sorry. OK, here goes I AM THRUSTING MY
MASSIVE KNOCKWURST OF LOVE INTO YOUR PASSION
PERSIMMON!
HunniBunni: YES! YES! YES!
Born2Bone: OHHH! IT FEELS SO GOOD!! I FEEL POWERFUL!!
HunniBunni: YOU ARE POWERFUL, BORN2BONE!! I FEEL
YOUR POWER INSIDE ME!!!
Born2Bone: IT FEELS LIKE, LIKE ...
HunniBunni: Like what?
Born2Bone: IT FEELS JUST LIKE, OHMIGOD ... OHMIGOD ...
HunniBunni: TELL ME, BORN2BONE!! TELL WHAT IT FEELS
LIKE!!
Born2Bone: OH LORD IT FEELS LIKE... IT FEELS LIKE
WHEN I BREAK A TIE VOTE IN THE SENATE!
HunniBunni: What did you say?
Born2Bone: Whoops
HunniBunni: It feels like when you break a tie vote
in the Senate?
Born2Bone: Umm, listen, what I meant was ...
HunniBunni: This is you, isn't it, Al? ISN'T IT??
YOU JERK!!! YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE ATTENDING A STATE
FUNERAL THIS AFTERNOON!!!
Born2Bone: Tipper?
HunniBunni: Whoops


Q. Aside from chatting, what else can I do on the
Internet?
A. You can join one of the thousands of forums wherein
people, by posting messages, discuss political topics
of the day.

Q. Like what?
A. Barry Manilow.

Q. There's a forum for Barry Manilow?
A. There's a forum for everything.

Q. What happens on these forums?
A. Well, on the Barry Manilow forum, for example,
fans post messages about how much they love Barry
Manilow, and other fans respond by posting messages
about how much they love Barry Manilow, too. And
then sometimes the forum is invaded by people
posting messages about how much they hate Barry
Manilow, which in turn leads to angry counter
messages and vicious name-calling that can go on
for months.

Q. Just like junior high school!
A. But even more pointless.

Q. Are there forums about sex?
A. Zillions of them.

Q. What do people talk about on those?
A. Barry Manilow.

Q. No, really.
A. OK, they talk about sex, but it is not all
titillating. Often you'll find highly scientific
discussions that expand the frontiers of human
understanding.

Q. It is a beautiful thing, the Internet.
A. Indeed it is.

Little Johnny

Early one morning as school was starting the teacher called out to her students to get ready to make their presentations. She had asked the students to write about something important that happened in their families the night before. She asked who wanted to go first and Terry and little Johnny raised their hands. She called on Terry first because Little Johnny had a tendency to be fowl mouthed Terry gave his presentation and went back to his seat. Little Johnny walked up to the board and drew a dot and then walked back to his seat. The teacher after pondering over this for a minute finally asked what it was and Little Johnny said it was a period and the teacher said yes I can see that but what does it mean.

Little Johnny said, "The hell if I know, but last night at dinner when my sister told my parents she missed one Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted and the drug store owner on the corner shot himself.”


A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Oh! I need a bike! I need a bike!"


Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher asked the kids if they could use the word definitely in a sentence. Well the first little girl raised her hand and said, "Well the trees are definitely green." The teacher said "No not really because the trees turn yellow red and brown in the fall. The next little boy raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher said, "No not really because the sky can be all different colors." From the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand and asked, "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher said, "No Johnny of course not, that’s silly." Then Johnny said, "Well then I definitely shit my pants!"


Little Johnny asks his dad one day, "Dad, can you buy me a bicycle for my birthday?" "I'm sorry Johnny, but I've just lost my job and we still owe the bank $80,000 for the house. We just can't afford to buy you a new bike."
The next morning Johnny's dad sees him walking out the front door with his suitcase. He asks him where he's going and Johnny tells him, "Last night I heard you tell mom you were pulling out, but she told you to wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'm going to stay here with a $80,000 mortgage and no f....g bike."


In school the students were learning about gardening tools and little Johnny, Jennifer and Daniel raise their hands when the teacher held up a picture. She called on Jennifer. Jennifer said that is a shovel. The teacher said " very good”. The teacher held up another picture. She called on Daniel. Daniel said “ that is a hose". The teacher held up another picture. This time little Johnny was the only one raising his hand, so she had to call on little Johnny. Little Johnny said that is a rake. “No” said the teacher that is a hoe. Little Johnny was kind of upset and said, That’s not a hoe cause my sister is a ho and she looks nothing like that!!


Little Johnny walked in oh his parents having sex. He asked what they were doing. His father said, "We're playing poker and you're mom is the wild card." the next day, little Johnny walks in on his brother having sex with his girl friend and he asked what they were doing. His brother said, "We're playing poker and she is the wild card." The next day little Johnny's mom walks in on him w….. off like there is no tomorrow. She said, "I see you're playing poker but where is your wild card." Little Johnny said, "Why do I need a wild card with a hand like this."

 

[melody]

Breast Fed

A young woman with a baby was shown into the examining room. The
doctor examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, he asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or bottle fed?"

"Breast fed," replied the woman.

"Strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

The woman did as she was told and the doctor examined her breasts.
He squeezed and pulled each one for a while and then he sucked hard on
each nipple. Finally he remarked, "No wonder this child is suffering
from malnutrition. You don't have any milk!"

"That's right," said the woman. "This is my sister's child."

"Well," said the startled doctor. "I had no idea. You shouldn't have
come."

"I didn't," replied the woman, "until you started sucking on my second
breast."

0000000

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this
problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never
smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least
20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was
farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next
week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know
what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still
silent... stink terribly."

"Good!" the doctor says, "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses,
let's work on your hearing."

0000000

This guy goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a lady
sitting by herself.
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you. Alcohol has a bad side-effect on for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they spread."

Don't Break The Chain
(for women only)

This letter was started by a woman like yourself
in the hope of bringing relief to other tired and
discontented women...

Unlike most chain letters, this one will not cost
anyone anything. Just bundle up your husband
or boyfriend, send him to the woman whose name
appears at the top of the list (below), and add your
name at the bottom of that list. Then send a copy
of this letter to five of your friends who are equally frustrated.

When your name comes to the top of the list, you will
receive 16,877 men...
...one of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better than
the one you already have.

Do not break the chain. One woman broke the chain,
and got her own son-of-a-bitch back. At this writing, a
friend of mine already received 184 men. They buried
her yesterday, but it took three undertakers more than
36 hours to get the smile off her face, and two days to
get her legs together so they could close the coffin.

Hurry up and send this letter along, so my name can
move up fast!

The Liberated Women's List

Helena Backseat

Yowanna Blojob

Lotta Fuxenbach

Andi Luvdit

Ima Luzinthyme

Anita Hardwun

I. B. Givvenhead

Wilma Holedrip

Iva Deephole

Wanda Getlaid been2long@bellevue. hosp.edu

 

[melody]

Tequilas

A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas.
The bartender asked, "what's wrong," and the guy says that he just found out that his younger son is gay.
The bartender says, "he's sorry about it."
After a couple of days the guy comes back and orders 15 tequilas. The bartender asked, "What's wrong now," to which the guy responds That he found out that his older son was gay, too.
The bartender says that he's sorry. The guy returned a few days later and ordered 20 tequilas.
The bartender burst out, "Isn't anyone in your family getting' any pussy?!" The guy gets really pissed and says, "Yeah, my wife!!!!!"


A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range.
The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.
The golf pro says not bad.
Golf pro: "Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts".
The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards.
The golf pro says "Excellent!" Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards.
Golf pro: "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
Golf pro: "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."


Woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband,
"Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!"
"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
"Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by noon!"

****** vs Married

When you are ******..... Farting is never an issue
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times
When you are ******..... He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"
When you are ******..... He holds your hand in public
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public
When you are ******..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot
When you are ******..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married ....You think to yourself...."Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"
When you are ******..... You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"
When you are ******..... He hugs you, when he walks by you ...for no reason
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets
When you are ******..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first
When you are ******..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy"
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are ******..... He knows what the "hamper" is
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area
When you are ******..... He understands if you "aren't in the mood"
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."
When you are ******..... He understands that you have "male" friends
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away
When you are ******..... He likes to "discuss" things
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare
When you are ******..... He calls you by name
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really! Like a new-born baby!"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

Best Women's T-Shirts

1. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
2. I hate everybody, and you're next!
3. And your point is....
4. Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.
5. **Warning** I have an attitude and I know how to use it!
6. You KNOW you want me.
7. Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.
8. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
9. I'm multitalented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
10. Do NOT start with me! You will NOT win!
11. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!
12. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
13. I'm not a bitch, I'm THE BITCH; and it's MS. BITCH to you!
14. All stressed out and no one to choke.
15. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
16. Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
17. My husband could have had any women he pleased-he just couldn’t please any!
18. Guys have feelings too. But like…who cares?
19. So many men, so few who can afford me.
20. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
21. My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
22. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
23. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.
24. Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.
25. I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.
26. I run things at my house! (e.g. the vacuum cleaner, washing machine, iron, etc)
27. If they don’t have chocolate in heaven, I ain’t going.
28. At my age, I’ve seen it all, done it all, heard it all… I just can’t remember it all.

 

[melody]

Exotic Love

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon.

The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those
fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet
whispering of the leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final
touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now.
Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of
dominance.

I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as
she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ.

I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.
Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex. Although
inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm,
moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending
it all too soon.

As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax,
it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had both been
waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled together in the now damp
grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted into the
darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an
amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered how good she
had been, and she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and
whispered:

"Baaaaaaa", then re-joined the flock.


A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
=====
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said: "I don't
like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither, Doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook, a
wonderful mother to our kids, and is fantastic in bed."

Suzy Is Bleeding

Suzy is sitting in class and she starts bleeding. She whispers her
problem to the teacher who tells her not to worry too much, just go home
right now, to her mother, and she will explain what happened.

On her way home she meets Little Johnny who has been cutting school.

Little Johnny asks Suzy "Where are you going?"

"I'm going home because I'm bleeding," says Suzy.

"Where ya bleeding?" asks Little Johnny.

So Suzy pulls down her blood soaked panties and shows him. Little Johnny
steps back in horror and says, "Who ripped your cock off?”
~~~~~

"That fucking jerk of a husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the
landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife
told a neighbor.

"You didn't do it, did you?"

"Yes, I did. What I haven't done, is tell my bastard husband the rent is
paid up for six months!"
~~~~~

An eight year old boy comes home from school and says "Daddy! Daddy!
What is the difference between a pussy and a cunt?"

The dad says, "No, I can’t tell you that! You're too young!" The son
goes, "NO I'm not daddy! Please tell me."

So the father says alright and takes the boy into the bedroom. When they
walk into the room, the boys’ mother is fast asleep. So the dad pulls
back the covers, and like always, the mother is lying there without any
panties on. The father points in between her legs and says, "You see
that soft fluffy patch of hair? That's a pussy!" The son asks, "Oooo!
Can I pat it?"

The father replies, "NO! You'll wake up the cunt!"

Nymphomaniacs!

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman
boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight
towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out
"Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said,
"Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs
of America Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting
next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,

"What's your business role at the convention?" "Lecture,"
she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information
that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk
some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really,"
he said, "and what kinds of myths are there? "

""Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American
men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is
the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait..
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers,
when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best
stamina is the Southern Redneck.."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you.
I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.

 

[melody]

Guest Application For Jerry Springer Show

Personal Information:

Name___________ Nickname______________ CB Handle______________
Yore Mama______________ Yore Daddy (if known)________________
Spouse's Name_________________
Relationship to spouse: __Sister __Brother__Mother__Father __Pet
__Aunt __Uncle ___ Several of the above
Occupation: ___Unemployed Mechanic ___Gun Show Dealer___Skinhead
Number of Children in Household___ Number that are yours___
Circle Highest Level of Education: 1 2 3 4 How many times each grade___________
How Far is Your Mobile Home From a Paved Road: ___1mi. __5 mi. ___?
Number of Times You Have Survived a Tornado: ___
Number of Vehicles Owned___ Number on Cement Blocks___ Number Repossessed___
Truck Equipment: ___Gun Rack ___Spit Cup ___Fuzzy Dice ___Rebel Flag
___Naked Woman Mudflaps ___NWO and/or NRA sticker
Weapons Owned: ___Tire Iron ___Pick Handle ___Beer Bottle ___Shotgun
Number of Dogs Owned: ___
Number of Homemade Tattoos:___
Which of the Following Appliances are in your Front Yard:
___Friggerator ___Heatin Stove ___Warsher ___TV ___Freezer
How Many of the Above Appliances Work: ___
Fav-o-rite Recreation: ___Drinkin ___Cow Chip Throwin ___Possum Huntin
___Crawdad Huntin ___Scratchin ___Watchin Wrasslin
If You Can Read, Which Magazines Do You Prefer:
___Soap Opera Digest ___NWA ___Rifle and Shotgun ___NWA
___TV Guide __National Enquirer ___True Confessions
Which Stinks Worse: ___Hogpen ___Outhouse ___Spouse
Can You Spell Your Last Name:___Yup ___Nope
Can You Remember Your Last Name: ___Yup ___Nope
Have You Ever Stayed Sober for More Than One Day: ___Yup ___Nope
Do You Know Any Words with More Than 4 Letters: ___Yup ___Nope
Which is Correct: ___"I Seed Him" or ___"I Seen Him"
How Many Cartons of Cigarettes Do You Smoke a Day? ___
Math Test: How Many Food Stamps Do the Following Cost?
___Six Pack ___Cigs ___Shotgun Shells ___Whore
Number of Times You've Seen: ___a UFO ___ Elvis___Elvis in a UFO
Health Questionnaire: Which of the Following Do You Have?
___Head Lice ___B.O. ___Crabs ___Runny Nose___Boils
Can You Remember the Last Time You Bathed? ___Yup___Nope
Color of Teeth: ___Yellow ___Brown ___Black ___N/A
I hereby swear this is the trooth and sign my "X" on _________20__

Two Ladies Talking In Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.


2nd woman: Hi! I’m Kelly, how’d you die?


1st woman: I froze to death.


2nd woman: How horrible!


1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?


2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.


1st woman: So, what happened?


2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.


1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer —– we’d both still be alive.



A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker wearing REALLY
short shorts. "Say, What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she
climbed up in the truck.
"It's Snow - Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?" "Me, I'm June -
June Hansen," she said.
After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with
those sidelong glances?"
"Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered,having eight
inches of Snow in June?"



A petrol station in country QLD was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”
Soon a local pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The bloke then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.”
A week later, the same bloke come along, with his mate, Bluey, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The bloke guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time.”
As they were driving away, the bloke said to his mate, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”
Blue replied, “No, it ain’t, Bill. It ain’t rigged — my Missus won twice last week.”

Things You'd Love To Say Out Loud At Work:

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it
my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're
saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the know-it-all fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. Congratulations, you have officially earned the Dumber than a Box
of Rocks Award.

22. You know the acronym behind your name won't keep me from kicking
your ass in the parking lot.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

 

[melody]

A teenage boy is taken to his girlfriends home to meet her parents for the first time.
The mother of the girl hands him a piece of cake. They all sit there in silence wondering what to say, when the family dog walks in, sits down, and proceeds to lick its balls.
To break the ice, the boy looks at the girls Father and says, "I wish I could do that!"
The Father looks at the boy and says, "give it a piece of your cake, and it might let you!"

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

Doctor", the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get
it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can
do."

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your
clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie
down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said.
"Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

Young Amy likes lifting her dress,
And removing her panties to press
In a manner obscene
'Gainst the washing machine
To relieve all her work-a-day stress.

Payback's a bitch

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's cock and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

=====

A woman wants to surprise her husband for their 25th anniversary. She decides to go out buy some sexy lingerie. She picks up some crotch less panties and a new bra.

When the hubby gets home from work she's sprawled out on the bed wearing her new lingerie. In her sexiest voice she says "do you want some of this, big boy?” Slightly frightened, the man exclaims "hell no, look what it did to your panties!"

=====

A salesman knocks on a house door. Little Johnny answers the door, dressed in a pair of underpants, huge joint in one hand and a can of beer in the other.
"Hello little boy, is your Mummy or Daddy in?"
"What the fuck do you think?"

Perks Of Being Over Fifty

1) Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2) In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3) No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4) People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5) People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6) There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
7) Things you buy now won't wear out.
8) You can live without sex but not without glasses.
9) You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
10) You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
11) You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
12) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14) You sing along with the elevator music.
15) Your eyes won't get much worse.
16) Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off, and that bundle you've spent on life insurance is starting to look smart, too.
17) Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guys with the Live Doppler 10,000.
18) Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
19) Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
20) A thirty year mortgage sounds like a pretty clever scam.
21) You won't remember who sent you this list.

 

[melody]

86 Years Old

Your honor, I am 86 years old. So here I am, sitting there on porch on a
warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and
sits beside me. He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your
Honor.

So I don't stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honor.
Why, Your Honor, I haven't felt that good in years! So I just spread my
old legs and say to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

That's when he yelled, "April Fool" and that's when I shot the Son of a
Bitch!!

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..."
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles...the salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?".
He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"

Safe Sex Options

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life
and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe":

- Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash,
then buy the crack directly.

- Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant
loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.

- Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy
from harm."

- Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow
anyone to get to third base with you.

- Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and
scabbed over before use.

- When taking two cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal
amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.

- Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure
to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

- Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating
farm animals.

- You CAN get it from kissing -- tear out partner's tongue before
any mouth-to-mouth contact.

- To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

- If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out beforehand
to hope for the best.


Little Johnny was in the bath one day with his gran.
"Granny, what's that?" jesturing to her ragged old front arse
"That's my pussy cat darling." She replied
"oh, ok then" and he left it at that.

A couple of days later he was in the bath with his mum.
"Mummy, what's that? He asked, again pointing to her beaver.

"That's my pussy cat darling."
"Oh, Granny has got one of them. But it looks like it has been run over

as its guts are hanging out"

Dear Abby

Dear Abby:

I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as
carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia
and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a
transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and
selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters,
who are
prostitutes in Jersey City.

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life
sentence Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother
is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of
sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who
lives in the Bronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a
brothel.
Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her
as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested
in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute
themselves, it would get them off the street, and hopefully, the heroin
habits.

All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiance and
look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be
totally honest with her.

So.... Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation


A sheep farmer made his monthly journey into town
to buy supplies. While loading up his pickup, he
spotted one of the girls who worked at the
bordello watching him.

"Say, honey," he asked, "what's the going rate
these days?" "Hundred bucks," she replied.

"If every man raised sheep, we wouldn't need you
women," he exclaimed with disgust.

"Yeah," she said, "and if vibrators could cut the
grass, we wouldn't need you men, either."

 

[melody]

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Joey-Jim asked. "Well didn't ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"


Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"
* * * *

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
*****

Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room. The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left. Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions. When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT , opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool. The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"

* * * *
An Irish drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. Puzzled at the non-Catholic service, he proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back, ever the open-minded fellow, and says, "Yes sir, I am."
The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.
Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
* * * *
A drunken Irishman gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes later, another loud scream reverberates throughout the bar. The bartender goes to the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there"? "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I flush something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls!"
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says....."You idiot--You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Letters Of The Alphabet

The teacher was addressing her class of young children.
"So, children, today we are going to run through the letters of the
alphabet, and see which words we know".

She scanned her eyes round the attentive young faces. "Ok ", she said,
"Who can tell me a word beginning with the letter 'A'?"

Little Johnny at the back shot his hand in the air.
"Yes, Johnny - Go on".

"ARSE, miss".

"Oh.... er... well, yes, I suppose so."

Now, who knows a word beginning with 'B'?"

Once again Johnny's hand flew into the air.

"Go on then Johnny".

"BASTARD, Miss".

"Oh dear. But yes, you're right."

"Now then, who knows a word beginning with 'C'?
On second thought, we'll skip that and move on to 'D'.
Who knows a word beginning with the letter 'D'?"

Little Johnny's hand flies up. The teacher thinks about it for a moment,
and then says: "Ok, Johnny, go on..."

"DWARF, miss."

"Oh, very good, Johnny. Do you know what a dwarf is?"

"Yes miss. A short-arse squat little cunt about three feet high."

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

A chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both
just getting finished with their shaves--the barbers were reaching for
some aftershave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't
put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The
chief turned to his barber and said in a smug voice, "Go ahead and put
it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells
like."

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Herb sat glumly all evening eyeing his wife suspiciously.

Finally, he blurted, "Blanche, admit it. You've been sucking off the dog!"

"What?!" she shouted. "How can you say such a thing?"

"I've been watching you two, Herb answered, every time you yawn, he
gets a hard-on!"


A teenage boy is taken to his girlfriends home to meet her parents for the first time.
The mother of the girl hands him a piece of cake. They all sit there in silence wondering what to say, when the family dog walks in, sits down, and proceeds to lick its balls.
To break the ice, the boy looks at the girls Father and says, "I wish I could do that!"
The Father looks at the boy and says, "give it a piece of your cake, and it might let you!"

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

Doctor", the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get
it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can
do."

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your
clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie
down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said.
"Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

Young Amy likes lifting her dress,
And removing her panties to press
In a manner obscene
'Gainst the washing machine
To relieve all her work-a-day stress.

 

[melody]

Voodoo Penis

A business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew
his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so
he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while
he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking
around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something
special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind
the counter. He explained his situation.

The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments,
and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for
weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo
Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden
box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and
there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said
"Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He
pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the
door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly
with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.
Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"

The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet
once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and
that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and
remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said
"Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and
started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became
very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but
it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out,
but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut
it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering
with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense
orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and
immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked
how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I
haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo
Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an
arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."

The rest is history.

I've Learned.....

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
assholes.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are
more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're
finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to
take its place.

I've learned that 99 percent of the time when something isn't working in
your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from
you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "Screw'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it.
Who knows, maybe something good will happen. If not... tough shit


1. What is the best thing about ****** a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.

2. What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

3. What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.

4. Where does virgin wool come from?
Ugly sheep.

5. How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
It isn't hard.

6. How can you make your wife mad while making love?
Call her from your cell phone.

New Medications For Women Only

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to six hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing
the
memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait
till they moved out.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves
flirting.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country western music.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the
urge to flip off other drivers.

PENISCILLIN
Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines
as,"You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and
duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength BUY-ONE-ALl
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy
so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a
book by Dr. Laura.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary or phone number.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers.

SEXCEDRIN
More effective than Excedrin in creating the, "Not now, dear, I have a
headache" syndrome.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging
him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it
herself.


Why Men Get Out Of Bed:
A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get
out of bed in the middle of the night:
5% said it was to get a glass of water.
12% said it was to go the toilet.
83% said it was to go home.

 

[melody]

The New Square Dance

Up With The Petticoat,
Down With The Pants.
In With The Pecker,
Everybody Dance.
Girls With Rags On,
Up Against The Walls.
Guys With A Hard On,
Promenade The Halls.
Girls Grab Your Partners
Firmly By The Balls.
Drag Him Down The
Length Of The Halls.
Make Him Holler,
Make Him Shout.
Put Your Pretty Ass
Up Against His Snout
First Lady Go
Second Lady Pass
Third Lady's Finger
Up The Fourth Guy's Ass
Finger Out
Promenade The Halls
Now Release The
Poor Guy's Balls
Then Down With The Petticoat
Up With The Pants
This Is The End Of
The New Square Dance!

@@@

LITTLE GIRL: Mommy, I just found out that our
neighbor's son has a penis like a peanut!
MUM: You mean it's small?
LITTLE GIRL: No it's salty!!!

@@@

What is a KISS?

It's an upper PREPARATION for a lower INVASION that will lead to
further PENETRATION with fast ACCELERATION that will build next
GENERATION.

Jerry Springers Future Stories

If you like watching your Dad and Mom have sex on their own website, call 1-800-Jerry and tell your story!
If your father's sister's mother's aunt's grandfather's nephew's cousin is your bi-sexual lover and they want you to have sex while the family watches, but you're against it... Please Call 1-800-69-JERRY
Are you a transexual with a story to tell? Call Associate Producer Deb at 888-321-5387
IF YOUR MOM IS YOUR COUSIN, AUNT, UNCLE AND DAD AND YOU HAVE THE URGE TO HAVE HER CHILDREN-CALL 1-800-JERRY AND SHARE YOUR STORY.
Does your college roommate beat off in the middle of the night and u want to confront him call us at 1-800-jerry
Are you a bald, one legged male prostitute, And want to confront your one eyed pimp on our show? Call 1-800-JERRY
Are you a scitzofrenic necrophelic, and 3 different personalities want to propose to your canine companion? Call 1-800-Jerry
If your penis is 2 inches.......from the ground call 1-800-hi-jerry
Is your gay son using your douche to satisfy his gay needs?? If so call 1-800-89-jerry
Is your dad a cross-dressing pedophile? If so call 1-800-96jerry
If your father is your mother's cousin and you are curently having an affair with your sister(or is it your aunt?)
Are you a pregnant prostitute who is in love with your pimp and his girlfriend and want to confront them both on our show? Call 1-800 96JERRY
Is your gay lover having an affair with both your parents? Then call 1-800 Jerry Jokes.
If your mom is thinking of becoming a man to satisfy your father's gay curiosity,please call us at 1-800 Jerry jokes!!
Is your Dad a Grand Dragon in the KKK, and you are having an interacial sex affair? If so, call 1 800 Jerry and tell us your story!
Do you suspect your wife or partner of having sexual relations with the family pet? Call 1 800 Jerry and tell us your story!

 

[melody]

A Man Is Having Problems

A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better
times.
He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but
you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out. You
only have 30 erections left in your penis."

The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at
the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his
problem.

He tells her what the doc told him.

She says, "Oh no! Only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that!
We should make a list!"

He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home.
Sorry, your name isn't on it.".



Say this fast 10 times!
My Dixie Wrecked

Q: What is the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow and gargle.

Did you hear about the nympho at the hotel pool?
She was barred from the area after the lifeguard saw her go down for
the third time.



Martin went to a brothel and told the madam, "I want a girl with big
boobs and a small box." "Why?" she asked him. "Never mind!" replied
Martin.
"I'm paying for it. I want a girl with big tits and a small cooze!"
"No problem," said the madam. "Go straight up the stairs to room 23."
A few minutes later there was a knock on the door, and a young woman
walked in.
"Okay," she said," are you the guy with the big mouth and the small
dick?"

Funny Perfume Scent

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?"
Kathy takes a sniff and replies, "That is nice. What's it called?"
"Viens a moi," replies Nancy.
"Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?"
At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French."
Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?
_______________

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
_______________

Did you hear about the new paint on the market?
It's called Blonde. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy!
What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.
What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?
We don't fucking know, they haven't met yet!

 

[melody]

About Women.....Part 1

Women especially love a bargain.

The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out.

Anything on sale is fair game.

Women never have anything to wear.

Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.

Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.

Women think all beer is the same.

Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

Women don't understand the appeal of sports.

Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality.

Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.

If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

Women brush their hair before bed.

Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.

Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.

Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

Erotic Correction

Sally Jo taught erotic correction.
She told her student to get an erection.
"Put your dick in my mouth.
Move it north, move it south
Now, you're getting a sense of direction!"

Her instructions were very explicit,
and more than a little illicit:
"Please fill up my cunny
with fresh clover honey,
and butter my buns like a biscuit."

"Then wrap me up nice in a blanket,
and I'll sit on your staff while you crank it.
I'll put on some feathers,
and laces and leathers,
and wiggle my ass while you spank it."

"Now that your fingers are stinky,
tie me up in some chains that are clinky.
Bring in some goats and a sheik.
Then give my big titties a tweak
and now, we can start getting kinky!"

"Forget what the chain and the whip meant.
Just get the straps and the slings and a shipment
of high grade Vaseline,
and a strong trampoline,
and all of the other equipment!"

"Now, when we get all the bedsprings a drummin',
that's when I'll start in a hummin',
then quickly, my dear,
put it into my ear,
so I'll hear the sound of it comin'!"

"I don't know how much this is costing,"
said her student, still covered with frosting.
"But I can say with affinity
that I've lost my virginity.
Quite frankly, my dear, you're exhausting!"



The Russian couples sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a
black market copy of a sex manual. A week later, the man said to the
women, "Honey, I want to eat your pussy like it says in the book, but it
smells so bad. Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine
deodorant spray?"

She agreed. An hour later, she returned, all excited. "You should see
the flavors they have," she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry,
banana ...."

"What did you get?" he interrupted.

"Tuna," she replied.