JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

One night, a man was feeling very "in the mood," so he decides to get himself
a hooker.
Since he doesn't have much money, He finds the cheapest whore in the
nearest Red
Light District. He spends $10 for a blowjob and a fuck, and in the morning
he wakes up
and discovers he has crabs. He goes back to the same hooker, and says
"Hey, you
gave me crabs! What is up with this?" The hooker replies, "What did you
expect for
$10? Lobster?"

^0^0^0^0^0

The zoology teacher ask a small boy to make a sentence using the word "possum."
He answered, "Maw got horny and gave possum."

Q: What'd the wife do when she found out her husband was a fag?
A: She turned around and took it like a man!

^0^0^0^0^0

"Where Babies Come From?"

A blonde teenage girl comes home from
school and asks her mother, "Is it true what
Rita just told me ..... Babies come out of the
same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear." replies her mother, pleased that
the subject had finally come up, and she
wouldn't have to explain it in detail to her
daughter.

"But then, when I have a baby," responded
the blonde teenager, "won't it knock my
teeth out?"

^0^0^0^0^0

A man was walking down the street.
A hooker stops him and says,
"Say, wanna have a good time?"
"Sure", he says And off they go to the nearest motel. She takes
off her clothes as he keeps staring at her.
She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of
one?"
"Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

More Redneck New Year’s Resolutions

31. Have some of that Franklin Mint breath freshener;
32. Wear your only tie - made of leather, silver and turquoise;
33. Buy a can of Mountain Dew to serve as a container to spit tobacco juice in;
34. Have your house picked up every week;
35. Make bar-b-que a daily thing;
36. Visit your favourite room in your house - the Dark Side;
37. Practice doctorin’ with Mamma’s sewing kit and a jug;
38. Hold a guy over your head because of a fight over a CD radio;
39. Show ‘em your new breed of horse – your Ford Mustang;
40. Start a preference to sleep in the truck than in your house;
41. Stand in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature;
42. Break wind in public and blame it on your kid;
43. Valet park a snowplow;
44. Vacuum the sheets instead of washing them;
45. Get an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company;
46. Take reading material into an airplane restroom;
47. Pay for a 6-pack of beer with pennies;
48. Hang up some beautiful hubcap wind chimes for your neighbors;
49. Hang a Bud Light pool table light over your dining room table;
50. Make the strongest smell in your house butane;
51. Have your dog pass gas and claim it for yourself;
52. Try not to mistake your Aunt Betty for a man;
53. Find out where that Third World country “paprika” is;
54. Ask the preacher, “How’s it hanging?”;
55. Go to a stock car race without a program;
56. Make a bumper sticker that says, “My Momma’s an honor student at the local junior high”;
57. Bake one of your favourite hors d’oeuvres - potted meat on a saltine;
58. Play the banjo in your high school band;
59. Show the neighbours your velvet paintings, bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway;
60. Buy some old hubcaps for your truck ‘cause you’re using the new hubcaps to feed your hunting dogs;

 

[melody]

New Years Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

Read less.

I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store

Stop exercising. Waste of time.

Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

Watch less T.V. in standard definition

Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser.

Watch more movie remakes.

Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.

Procrastinate more.

I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.

I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.

Drink. Drink some more.

Stop buying worthless junk on Ebay, because QVC has better specials

Start being superstitious.

Spend more time at work.

Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!
__________

A Bad Dream?

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, ‘I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?’
‘Aha, you’ll know tonight,’ answered Max smiling broadly.
At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: ‘The meaning of dreams’.

New Years Poem

T'was the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.

I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all
and to all a good diet!

 

[melody]

Ten Indications of a New Year Hangover

You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets.
Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."
Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.
The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.
You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
Your catch phrase is, "Never again."
You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.
Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"

==========

The New Year's Eve party had turned into a regular marathon with numerous guests coming and going.
At one point, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to the bar in the basement.
He sat there happily for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face. "You know," he confided to his host: "I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my driveway."
The guest continued: "My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved."

New Year's Resolutions
New Year's Resolutions For Him & Her [Him (Y) / Her (X)]

X - Lose weight / Go on a diet / Drink more water
Y - One case beer per weekend (unless having guys over or
Superbowl weekend)

X - ONLY - one chocolate bar per week
Y - ONLY - three nights at topless bar per week

X - Workout - Jog/Step Bench 5 times week
Y - Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom
TV remote

X - Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine
Y - Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria's Secret catalog mailing
list

X - Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting
Y - Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing

X - Get organized/clean house
Y - Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother)

X - Buy new Daily Planner
Y - Buy new little Black Book if no luck under furniture

X - Find out name of tall good-looking guy in Finance
Y - Score with tall, long-legged Blond in Finance

X - Read More / Less TV
Y - Buy Dish - More sports channels!!

X - Watch quality TV with positive messages
Y - When surfing DO NOT stop on "Allie McBeal" -EVER

X - Plan budget / Save more money
Y - Only three nights at topless bar per week

 

[melody]

So that's what it means~~

~ Siderodromophilia ~
Arousal from trains
~ Siphnianize ~
Anal masturbation
~ Hedralingus ~
Licking anus
~ Timophilia ~
When a person's primary arousal comes from gold or wealth
~ Pubephilia ~
Arousal from pubic hair
~ Sacofricosis ~
Cutting a hole in pant pocket to facilitate masturbation in public


Sandy went into the new
sex shop & asks if they have any vibrators on special ...
The man behind the counter says ...
Choose from our range on the back wall.
She says OK, great, I'll take the red one!
The man replies No miss, that's a fire extinguisher.


Q: What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A: A washing machine doesn't drip when you dump your load in it.

Q: Did you hear about the faggot who started using "the patch" on his dick?
A: He's already down to two butts a day.
John and Bruce were having gay sex. "I've got AIDS," said John, who was on top.
"Oh God!" cried Bruce.
"Just kidding," said John. "I just love the way you tighten your asshole when I say that!"

Bert And Mabel

Bert and Mabel were a week away from their wedding day. Bert was beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to chance his arm. "Er, Mabel, as it is only a week to the big day, how's about a quick screw?" said Bert. Mabel's answer as expected was, "No Bert, it's only 6 days to go, however you can have a look at your prize."

The next night Bert again pesters Mabel. Being an understanding sort, Mabel gives in and says, "It is still 5 days to go and as you've been a good fellow,
I'll let you have a little feel of your prize."

It only makes matters worse for Bert and by the next night he can hardly contain himself.Seeing his obvious predicament Mabel greets Bert and whispers in his ear, "I can see what your problem is but you've still got 4 days to go. I will however let you have a good sniff of your prize."

Not being bashful, Bert lifts Mabel's skirts and sniffs. After a minute he comes up for air, "Mabel, do you think it will keep 'till Saturday?!?"


Jim and Bubba, two army buddies are on leave and
decide to go to Bubbas house and get drunk. Lo
and behold they run out of beer so Bubba says
that he will go for more.

As he is leaving he tells his wife Linda -Lou to
show Jim her best southern hospitality which she
agrees to do. Bubba comes back with the beer and
finds Jim and Linda-Lou screwing right on the
kitchen floor.

Bubba yells, "what are you doing Linda-Lou?"

She replies "you told me to show Jim my best
southern hospitality."

Bubba then says "Gee whiz girl, arch your back,
poor Jim's balls are on the cold floor."

 

[melody]

Mommy's Washcloth

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby.
One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked and he asked what was the hair in between her legs?
She responded, "It's my washcloth".
Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again, but while she was in the hospital the doctor shaved her pubic hair, and the boy asked his mother: "What happened to your washcloth?"
The mother responded, "I lost it".
The little boy trying to be helpful set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running to his mother yelling and screaming, I found your washcloth, the mother thinking that the child was just playing went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"
The boy answered, "The maid has it and she is washing daddy's face with it."

A Few Crappy Limericks

Said the Duchess at tea, of Chester
"Young man, do you fart when you pee?"
I replied with some wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?"
I think that was one up to me.

There once was a young man from Brewster
Who said to his wife as he goosed her
"That used to be grand
But look at my hand
You're not wiping as clean as you used to."

Judging by these walls of wit
Shakespeare came here just to shit
And judging by the awful smell
He brought his fuckin' horse as well

Speeding

A guy gets pulled over for speeding 88 MPH in a 45

zone. The cop asks for his drivers license and the guy

says, "I'm sorry officer, but my license was suspended

after my 5th DUI."

The cop asks for his registration and the guy says,

"It's in the glove compartment, but it's not in my name

because I stole this car in a car jacking and I killed

the woman that owns the car and stuffed her in the

trunk and the gun I used is in the glove compartment.

At this point the cop tells the guy to keep his hands

in sight and he radios for back-up.

When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story

and he walks up to the guy in the car. The supervisor

asks to see the guy's drivers license and the guy hands

it over and it is valid with the guys real name and

information.

The supervisor asks for the registration and the guy

says, "It's in the Glove compartment." The supervisor

tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and walks

around to the passenger side and opens the glove

compartment. There is the registration in the guys

name and everything seems in order.

Next the supervisor asks the guy to get out and open

the trunk. The guy opens the trunk and the only thing

there is a spare tire.

At this point the supervisor tells the guy what the

other cop had told him. The guy says "I'll bet that

lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding too!"



Guy goes into a bar and sits down.

"What'll you have?" asks the bartender.

"Gimmee a beer," replies the guy.

The bartender asks, "What kind of beer?"

The guy says, "Oh any kind, so long as it's not a Budweiser."

So the barkeep pours him a Miller and says, "What do you have
against Budweiser?"

"Oh man," groans the guy, "I drank twenty three Budweiser's last
night, went home, and blew chunks."

The bartender says, "Listen pal, you drink twenty three of any
beer and you're gonna blow chunks."

The guy says, "No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog!"

 

[melody]

This guy fell asleep on the beach one day and the wind came up and blew
sand all over him until he was covered with only his big toe sticking
out.
An old nympho was walking down the beach, saw the toe sticking up,
pulled down her bikini bottom and squatted over the toe. She humped
away til
she was satisfied, pulled up her drawers and left.
The guy woke up, brushed the sand away and left, not knowing what
happened. The next day his foot itched like hell, and had a sore on it.

He went to the Dr. and after an exam the doc told
him he had syphilis of the big toe. "Syphilis of the big toe?", he
inquired, "isn't that rare."
The doc said "You think that's rare, I had a woman in here this morning
with athlete's pussy."
______

A young woman said to her friend: "I didn't realize
that sex could be so painful!"
"Why was he THAT big?" exclaimed her friend excitedly.
"No, when I got on all fours, the perverted bastard
missed the target by about an inch!"
______

A young man went to the dentist, and as the dentist was leaning over
him he said, "I see you have had oral sex recently sir."
The young man said, "Why, is there pubic hair in my teeth?"
The dentist said, "No...you've got shit on your nose."
______

A man goes to his doctor for an annual check up.
The doctor says "I'll need you to come back tomorrow with a urine sample, a poo sample and a sperm sample".
The man replies "Right so doctor, I'll bring'em by tomorrow"
When he gets home his wife asks "Well what did he say ?"
The man replies "He needs me to bring in a pair of your underwear."

Animal Jokes

A man called his doctor, and said "doc", you gotta come over here quick, you see
when my wife got out of the shower, and bent over to pick up her towel a mouse
ran straight up her twat.

The doctor said," okay just hold a piece of cheese just outside of her vagina
until I get over there".
The doctor drove up, got out of his car, and went inside to see the man holding
a big fish up to her twat instead of cheese.

The doctor said,"what are you doing, I said a piece of cheese".

The man said,"I did what you said, and it almost worked, but when the mouse started
to come out, the cat chased it right back up her snatch!


One day in the forest a rabbit and a bear were talking when the rabbit said,
"Gosh, I feel like taking a shit!"
"Me too," said the bear, "Do you have any problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
"No." replied the rabbit.
"Good!" replied the bear. So he picked up the rabbit and wiped his arse with him!

HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.

Women look good in sweaters.

Women leave the room to fart.

Though they only have two, women's breasts are far more interesting.


A young boy with a green, yellow and red Mohawk sits next to an
old man at the park. After 5 minutes he turns to the old man and says
"What are you staring at you never did anything crazy in your life".
The old man turns and says "Sure have... I had sex with a peacock years
back and I'm wondering if you're my son".


What's the difference between meat and fish?
If you beat your fish it will die!

 

[melody]

How To Fuck Like A Black Dude

A white guy is sitting in a bar next to a black guy. "Hey, dude," he
asks. "How's it you black dudes are so popular with the ladies?"

"Well," the black guy replies, "It is all a matter of fuckin'. When you
white guys fuck, you just stick it in and Wham! Bam! Thank you ma'am!
It's all over before it's even started. When we make love to a woman,
we tease her first, and then only when she begs for it, we stick it in
slow, and gentle like. That's the secret, man, tease her until she begs
you for it, and then slow and gentle like. Works every time."

The white guy finishes his drink and goes home. That night, in bed with
his wife, he remembers the black guy's advice. First he teases his wife
until she begs him to put it in her, and then he starts fucking her, but
very slowly and very gently.

"Hey," she says to him passionately. "When did you learn to fuck like a
black guy?"


Girls, they say the hand is quicker than the eye...
So, quick, come over here and jerk me off. No one will see you!


A guy pulls up to a little girl playing on the sidewalk and says, "Hey,
little girl, want a lollipop?"
The girl says, "My mommy told me not to take candy from strangers. But if you give me twenty bucks, I'll suck your cock."
A guy's driving by a field and sees a cow kneeling and praying and a
rabbit fucking a cat.
He says, "Holy cow, look at the hare on that pussy."

Hairy

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said- "that part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair"

the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey has grown hair"

Her sister smiled and said-"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas" .

Mom fainted...

))))))))

There is a lady laying in bed. At about midnight her husband comes walking in with a sheep under his arm and says " That's the fat pig I've been sleeping with when I'm not sleeping with you." His wife gets a confused look on her face and states " but honey that's not a pig its a sheep." Her husband says " Shut up pig I'm talking to the sheep!"

))))))))

A woman complained to her vet that her mongrel dog would start to fuck her every time he came into the house.
"Is there anything you can do?" she asked.
"Well," The vet said, "We could cut his balls off to cut his sex drive down."
"Oh no," the woman replied, "that seems a bit rough. Couldn't you just clip his nails and do something about his bad breath?"

))))))))

Q. How can you tell if a novel is homosexual?
A. The hero always gets his man in the end.

Q. Why can't scientists find a cure for AIDS?
A. They can't get the laboratory mice to arse fuck.

Q. Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his Viagra?
A. So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the arse.

Q. Did you hear about the two gay judges?
A. They tried each other.

 

[melody]

The Restroom

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you the owner?"
she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands. Actually,"No" he replies.
"I'm just the manager."
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him."
She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the manager clearly aroused,"he's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."


Aunt Rose was in the garden tending to her flowers when she
got about to pee. So she did and wiped off the dew on a rose.
Uncle Fred came along later, picked up the rose, sniffed it, then
ran to phone the newspaper editor.
"I found a rose that smells like a woman's you-know-what!"
The editor said, "That's nothing. When you find a you-know-what
that smells like a rose, call me again."

A Hovering Fly

A fly is hovering 6 inches above a lake.

In the lake is a salmon and the salmon thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches

I can jump out and eat it".

Now on the edge of the lake there is a bear and the bear thinks,

"If that fly drops 6 inches the salmon will jump out to get it,

then I can grab the salmon and eat it".

Just behind the bear is a hunter and the hunter thinks,

"If that fly drops 6 inches the salmon will jump out to get it

then the bear will grab the salmon and while it's distracted I can shoot it".

Behind the hunter is a mouse and the mouse thinks,

"If that fly drops 6 inches the salmon will jump out to get it,

then the bear will grab the salmon, the hunter will

move forward to shoot it, drop his sandwiches and I’ve got my tea",

behind the mouse is a cat and the cat thinks,

"If that fly drops 6 inches the salmon will jump out to get it,

then the bear will grab the salmon, the hunter will move forward to shoot it,

drop his sandwiches, the mouse will grab the sandwiches

and while it's distracted I can grab it and eat it".

Just as the cat thinks this the fly drops 6 inches, the salmon jumps out,

eats it then the bear eats the salmon the hunter shoots the bear,

drops his sandwiches the mouse grabs the sandwiches,

and the cat pounces on the mouse but misses and falls in the lake.

The morale of the story, "if a fly drops 6 inches you'll end up with a wet pussy"
______

Love is a temptation caused by a sensation
which a man sticks his location into a girls destination
which doubles the population for the next generation
do you need an explanation or do you need a demonstration?
_______

Q:Why did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
A:Because Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.

One sperm says to another: How long will it take to get to the womb??????
The other sperm replies: Quite a while we have to pass the tonsils first!!!!!

 

[melody]

Household Repairs

This woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more. He would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.
One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?"
Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The Tidy-Bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?"
Once again, he growled, "What do I look? Mr. Plumber?"
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?"
And again she was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?"
Finally, she had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer.
When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."
He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"
"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them."
"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?"
She smiled. "What do I look like, BETTY CROCKER?"
_______

A man six foot four with a head no larger than a grapefruit goes into this bar. He sits down and orders a drink. After serving him the bartender cannot take his eyes off this guy’s head. He finally goes over and asks him why his head is so small. The man explains, that one time while walking on the beach he found this bottle and rubbed it and a beautiful Genie popped out of the bottle and offered to grant him one wish. He said he wished to have intercourse with her. She replied that Genies were not allowed to do that. He then asked her if he could have a little head.

 

[melody]

Pete And Martin

A well dressed man went into a bar ordered a double whiskey. He stood there sipping his drink when another man came up and said "Is that you Pete??"

Pete said "My name is Pete, but I don`t think I know you"

The second man said "You do, it`s me, Martin we used to work at the same factory together before it closed down"

Pete said "Now I remember you, but what happened to you? You are all in scruffy clothes. We got good redundancy money when we finished. What happened Martin??"

Martin said "I blew it all on cars women and drink. I'm totally broke now, but look at you Pete. All in the best clothes and I've seen your posh car outside. How did you do it??"

Pete said "Well I wanted to make my money work for me. So I thought if you have some money, London is the best place to do that.

I bought a three story house. On the first floor there was ordinary sex - just men and woman.

On the second floor homo sex - you know, men shagging men- , and on the third floor paedophile sex for them who like shagging children.

I must say I made a fortune. Mind you it was hard work : just me, the wife and the kids."
______________

The doctor tells his patient: "Mandy, I have some good news
and some bad news."
She asks for the good news first.
"Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you
aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd
feared."
"And the bad news?" Mandy asks.
To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for
being a natural bitch."

 

[haykal]

LOL...hilarious...

 

[melody]

Read Upon Bathroom Walls

"This is a teepee
where you peepee.
This is not a wigwam
where you beat your tomtom."
(Submitted via email; location not specified)
lll

"Here I sit in a misty vapor
Some damn fool stole the toilet paper
My bus is late and I cannot linger
Lookout butt here comes my finger"
(From a bus station bathroom in Philadelphia)
lll

"This is where Napoleon blew his bone apart"
(Scratched into the wood barrier between urinals in
a Bodega bay campsite bathroom)
lll

"I fu*ked your Mom"
(written underneath) "Go home dad you're drunk."
(Somewhere in Orlando, FL)
lll

"Those who write on shithouse walls roll their shit into little balls.
Those who read those words of wit, eat those little balls of shit."
(A men's restroom in Sierra College, Rocklin, CA)

lll

"If a tree falls in the forest, and there's nobody
around to hear it - who gives a fu*k?"
A men's room in an Atlanta bookstore

lll

(arrow pointing to toilet paper dispenser)
"Turban repair kit"
(Porta toilet, Pittsburgh, PA)

lll

(Written on the front of a condom machine)
"This gum tastes like shit!"
(Booches Bar and Grill, University of Missouri,Columbia)

lll

"Hi, I'm Gonorrhea.
Have a seat and I'll be right with you"
(Submitted via email; location not specified)

lll

"There was an old man from Peru,
Who fell asleep in his canoe.
While dreaming of Venus,
He played with his penis,
and awoke in a boat full of goo."
(On a bathroom wall in the Coz Chemical building,
Northbridge MA)

lll

"Here I sit broken hearted
paid a dime only farted.
Second time took a chance,
saved my dime shit my pants."
(In a bathroom stall in a Winnipeg restaurant)

lll

"In the days of old
when knights were bold
and toilets weren't invented.
They'd drop there load
by the road
and ride away contented."
(In a bathroom stall in a Winnipeg restaurant)

lll

"BEER DRINKERS LAMENT:
I sit inside this dim lit stall,
and scribe these words upon the wall
For relief has come to me alas
cause I've expelled some noxious gas.
And the reason for this woeful wit,
Is I loaded up my pants with shit."

lll

"Fix this toilet!"
The response: "We're actors, not plumbers."
The response to the response: "Then act like plumbers."
(At a playhouse theatre in Boston)

lll

"Did you know that this porcelain instrument upon
which you are sitting is
really a very powerful telescope?
Spread your legs and stick your head down
between them.
Look way down and over to the back.
There! See it? Uranus!"

lll

"Here I sit, same as ever
Took a shit, pulled the lever
The toilet clogged, the water flowed
Look out world, its the motherload"

lll

It's a wonderous thing the magnificent turd
to describe beauty there's nary a word
some may float while others may sink
but if you pluck them out there'll all going to stink
(Lnwood IL. police department latrine.)

lll

"Shithouse poets when they die
should have erected where they lie
in memory of their caustic wit
a monument of solid shit"
(No location specified)
lll
"If you want to crap at ease
put both elbows on your knees
give a grunt,and give a squeeze
and out will come like rotten cheese."
(Men's room at Old Sturbridge Village in Sturbridge, Massachusetts)

lll

"Here lies the bones of screwy Rick
Cursed at death with a corkscrew dick
Spent his life in a futile hunt
To find a girl with a corkscrew cunt
He found that girl, but now he is dead
The no account bitch had a left-hand thread."
(In a bar long since closed in Greensburg, PA)

 

[melody]

The 100 Rules Of Porn Movies
( Part 2 )

26. Anal sex requires very little preparation time. Even
the first time.

27. Married men love fantasizing about their wives
having sex with other men, and they will jump at the chance to let that
fantasy come true.

28. A woman whose male lover has spurned her will
invariably be a dyke by the end of the story.

29. Who needs condoms?

30. Young males get hard almost immediately after ejaculation (if they
indeed lose erection at all) and are able to perform on multiple women
(i.e. their own mothers and the mother's three female friends).

31. If a
woman has small breasts, she will always have dark, pointy, otherwise
amazing nipples.

32. She also makes up for her deficiency by having a
tight ass and a ravenous sexual appetite.

33. A backrub ALWAYS leads to
something else.

34. If a married man's wife has a sister, the sister
will be a bombshell sexpot (more beautiful than his wife) who is just
aching for a chance to leap in the sack with him.

35. Anyone caught in
the act of masturbation won't stop, but will instead continue to
completion.

36. Older men always prefer younger girls, no matter how
air-headed they may be.

37. Older women are desirable only to younger,
teenaged boys... but fortunately, those older women are more than
willing to teach those teenage boys how to do it right.

38. Parents
routinely leave porn tapes and sex toys lying around the house for
babysitters and children to find.

39. Videos enhance sex. A sexually
conservative wife/girlfriend will immediately become an insatiable slut
after watching a hot tape.

40. No sexually active teenagers have zits.

41. If a guy has a female friend who's a stripper, he'll end up
backstage doing all her co-workers.

42. If a girl has a male friend
who's a stripper, she'll end up backstage getting gangbanged.

43. Long hair never gets in the way.

44. Your girlfriend's mum is a carbon copy
of her daughter and she's just as horny.

45. And your best friend's mum
looks like a sex goddess and hasn't had a good fuck in years.

46. The guy can always stick it into the girl without missing or fumbling, even
the first time.

47. Even after drinking.

48. When visiting married
friends not seen since high school/college, you must first smoke pot and
get a good buzz going before fucking your friend's wife in the ass while
your own spouse wolfs down gallons of your buddy's cum like it was Diet
Coke.

49. Flashback mode seems to work best here.

50. Men never lose their erection in the middle of things.

 

[melody]

Alternative Ways To Say No :

I'd rather have my nipples chewed off...by a pack of wild dogs.

I'd rather suck the snot out of a gorilla's nose...until the back of
his head caves in!

I'd rather masturbate with a cheese grater.

I'd rather slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol.

I would rather stick my genitals in a bees nest.

I would rather crush my foreskin between two tables while being bitch whipped by a fat, mustached geek named Spyros.

I would rather have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum.

I'd rather drink a gallon of turpentine...and piss on a forest fire.

I'd rather suck cow snot...through a straw.

I would rather sandpaper a wildcat's ass.

I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle... in the nude.

I'd rather bungee jump...with the harness tied to my penis...with your mom lying naked in the landing zone.

I would rather dry fuck a polar bear....in a phone booth.

I would rather spend ten hours getting a tattoo on my back...and then find out it's the wrong one.

I'd rather cram my dick in the ass of a bear with inflamed hemorrhoids.

I'd rather have the ten strongest 300 pound linemen in the NFL play tug of war with my nut sack....each side of 5 pulling a separate nut in a different direction.

I would rather try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter....and not a twist off either.

I would rather have my lower legs stripped with a wood planer...and then wear wool socks...in August.

I'd rather stick my nose up someone's ass...after he just finished taking a shit.

I'd rather shave my poison-ivy covered legs ... with a dull barber's razor...and no water or soap.

I'd rather french kiss a barracuda.

I'd rather butt fuck a rattlesnake... in a phone booth.

I'd rather nail my dick to the middle of a 2x4 and set both ends on fire...and try to get loose with a butter knife.

I would rather have sex with Pee Wee Herman in the daylight, without a bag to put over his head.

I'd rather drink for a week from the septic tank...of the 700 pound man next door.

I'd rather wipe my anus with barbed wire.

I'd rather poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass...with a short stick.

I'd rather stick a Hartz flea brush up my ass...and jog a mile.

I'd rather insert and break a slender glass rod in my penis... then tie it in a knot.

I'd rather lick an elephant's asshole...after he had just dropped a load of steaming diarrhea.

I'd rather run naked through a rosebush garden...then jump into a pool filled with chlorine.

I would rather lie under an elephant with diarrhea...in August...with my mouth propped open.

I'd rather ride a donkey naked through the desert...with snapping turtles attached to my nipples.

I'd rather be tied to a chair...and forced to listen to Barry Manilow tunes..while having my tonsils removed with a rusty spoon.

Fat Country Boy

Mick, a 400 pound country boy had a lot of trouble getting dates with girls. His friends, however, found a 350 pound girl who seemed willing to go out with him. Before his first date, Mick's friend's advised him to be nice to her at first.
"Compliment her on something." They told him, "Chicks always like to hear good things about themselves!"
Mick decided to give it a try, so he left to pick up his hefty honey. His friends were surprised when Mick returned an hour later, all alone.
"What happened?" his friends asked.
"I dunno," Mick replied, "After walking her from the door to the car, I took your advice, and she ran off crying."
"What did you say to her Mick?" his friends asked.
"I told her that for a fat, ugly broad, she didn't sweat so much!" cried Mick.
_____

Howard was feeling guilty all day long. No matter how much he
tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of
betrayal was overwhelming.

Every once in a while he'd hear a soothing voice trying to
reassure him - "Howard, don't worry about it. You aren't the
first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be
the last."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality -
"Howard, you're a veterinarian."
_____

Man: "Is there a mirror in your pocket because I can see myself in your pants!"
Woman: "Sorry but there's already one asshole in there!"

 

[melody]

The Russian couples sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a
black market copy of a sex manual. A week later, the man said to the
women, "Honey, I want to eat your pussy like it says in the book, but it
smells so bad. Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine
deodorant spray?"

She agreed. An hour later, she returned, all excited. "You should see
the flavors they have," she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry,
banana ...."

"What did you get?" he interrupted.

"Tuna," she replied.


A bartender is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door.
When he answers, a tramp says: "can I have a toothpick?"
He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.
A few minutes later there is a second knock.
When he answers, there is a second tramp who says: "can I have a toothpick?"
He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third tramp. The bartender says,
"Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."
"No, a straw," says the tramp.
The landlord hands him a straw and says, "why do you want it?"
Says the tramp: "Some guy just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already."


A man is at the dentist's for a check-up.

As the dentist leans over, he asks, "Well, so you had a little 69 this
morning, eh?"

"How did you know?" asks the man, embarrassed but also amazed at his
dentist's perception. "Was it the smell on my breath?"

"No" says the dentist.

"Well, did you see a pubic hair caught in my teeth?" asks the man.

"No" says the dentist.

"Well, what then? How did you know?" asks the man, losing patience.

The dentist says "There's a little bit of shit on the end of your nose."

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .

. . . you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.
. . . your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.
. . . your wife’s hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.
. . . your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
. . . you’ve got more than three cousins named “Bubba”.
. . . you break wind in public and blame it on your kid.
. . . you’ve ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.
. . . you can’t visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.
. . . you’ve ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.
. . . your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.
. . . you have grease under your toenails.
. . . your idea of a romantic evening is sharing the same spit cup with your girlfriend at a tractor pull.
. . . your mother has more chest hair than your father.

The Redneck at the Whorehouse

A redneck has five bucks and is horny, so he thinks to himself, "Maybe I'll go to that whorehouse I've been hearin' so much 'bout." The redneck walks in, approaches a very burlesque, good-looking woman and says, "I've got 5 bucks, give me your best."
The man is immediately escorted to a room with a mirror, a couch, and a chicken in the corner. The woman shuts the door. The man reluctantly takes the chicken and finishes his business. He then realized that that was the best sex he'd ever had.
The following week, the man brings $10 of his hard earned money, and offers it to the woman. He is the whisked off in to a small room with a few benches and a double sided mirror. The small room quickly fills with men and women alike.
Two women walk into the room that the people are viewing. The two lesbians then proceed to make love on the table.
The redneck nudges the man next to him and exclaims, "Damn, for 10 bucks, this is damn good." The man then chuckles and says, "You should have been here last week, we had a man screwing a chicken."

 

[melody]

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .

. . . you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.
. . . your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.
. . . your wife’s hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.
. . . your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
. . . you’ve got more than three cousins named “Bubba”.
. . . you break wind in public and blame it on your kid.
. . . you’ve ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.
. . . you can’t visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.
. . . you’ve ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.
. . . your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.
. . . you have grease under your toenails.
. . . your idea of a romantic evening is sharing the same spit cup with your girlfriend at a tractor pull.
. . . your mother has more chest hair than your father.

The Redneck at the Whorehouse

A redneck has five bucks and is horny, so he thinks to himself, "Maybe I'll go to that whorehouse I've been hearin' so much 'bout." The redneck walks in, approaches a very burlesque, good-looking woman and says, "I've got 5 bucks, give me your best."
The man is immediately escorted to a room with a mirror, a couch, and a chicken in the corner. The woman shuts the door. The man reluctantly takes the chicken and finishes his business. He then realized that that was the best sex he'd ever had.
The following week, the man brings $10 of his hard earned money, and offers it to the woman. He is the whisked off in to a small room with a few benches and a double sided mirror. The small room quickly fills with men and women alike.
Two women walk into the room that the people are viewing. The two lesbians then proceed to make love on the table.
The redneck nudges the man next to him and exclaims, "Damn, for 10 bucks, this is damn good." The man then chuckles and says, "You should have been here last week, we had a man screwing a chicken."

Filthy Nursery Rhymes

Peter Peter pumpkin eater
had a wife he loved to beat her
he smacked her twice across the head
fucked her ass and went to bed.
***
Little Miss Muffett, sat on a tuffett
eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider, and sat down beside her,
and said " What's in the bowl, bitch !? "
***
Little Boy Blew (sic)....
He needed the money !
***
Georgie Porgey
Pudding & Pie...
Whacked off in his girlfriend's eye...
And when that eye was glued and shut...
Georgie fucked that one-eyed slut.
***
Hickory Dickory Dock,
the bitch was sucking my cock
the clock struck two...
I shot my goo,
and dropped the bitch off ' the next block.
***
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack burnt off his fucking dick.
***
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack jump over the candlestick.
Jack's not so nimble, and he's not so quick
Now he's in the hospital,with a burnt fucking dick.
***
There was an old lady who lived in a shoe
She had so many kids- her uterus fell out!
***
There was an old lady who lived in a shoe
She had so many kids, she didn't know what to do.
So she started giving head.
***
Little Bo Peep
Fucked her sheep.
She blew her horse
and licked his feet.
She ate his ass,
all very nice.
Tongued his balls
Not once but twice!
***
Mary, Mary quite contrary
Trim that pussy, it's too damn hairy!
***
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
So Jack could lick Jill's fanny.
Poor Jack's gob
Was filled with knob
'Cos Jill's a fucking tranny.
***
Jack and Jill went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass,
and grabbed her ass;
And now his two front teeth are missing.
***
Mary had a little sheep,
And with this sheep
She went to sleep.
The sheep turned out
To be a ram
And Mary had a little lamb!
***
"Mirror Mirror, On the wall,
Who's the sexiest of them all?"
The mirror sighed, and with a grunt
said "Well, it ain't you!, You ugly cunt !"
***
My dick is big, her arse is tight
I poked her anus with delight
but halfway there I hit a bump
the bitch forgot to take a dump

 

[melody]

TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:

14. Pass My Shotgun
13. Psychotic Mood Shift
12. Pack My Stuff
11. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
10. Perpetual Munching Spree
9. Puffy Mid-Section
8. People Make Me Sick
7. Provide Me with Sweets
6. Pardon My Sobbing
5. Pimples May Surface
4. Pass My Sweat pants
3. Pissy Mood Syndrome
2. Plainly Men Suck
And the number one thing PMS Stands for........
Who Cares?
I'm not in the mood to play this shit anymore!!

}}}}}

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.

Q: What's worse than silicone tits?
A: A cardboard box.

Q: What's the difference between a terrorist and a wife?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What do you Call a period?
A: A waste of fucking time.

Q: What do you give the pedophile who has everything?
A: Another parish

Q: What's the difference between a clit and a mobile phone?
A: Nothing. Almost every cunt's got one.

Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary
Muscular Contractions"
to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting
subject, the Professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and
said, "Do you know what
your asshole is doing while you're having an
orgasm?"
She replied, "Fishing with his buddies."

What's the definition of the perfect woman?

She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth, and her head is flat so you can put a
can on it. The sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in. The economy model
fucks all night and at midnight turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.


Steady Eddie had just won the club snooker competition. After the big game he
was approached by a lady to go back to her place for some shafting. Well being
the stud that he is, he said "OK"

Later she's lying on the bed naked and she's wondering what's takin' him so long.
She peers through to the bathroom and he's chalking his dick up.

The minutes went by and finally he comes out but still he stops at the end of the bed
bending over, checking her out.

Well, she's just itching for it and can't stand him peering at her any longer, so she says,
"Eddie, what's keeping you?"

He replies, "Just wondering whether to go for the pink or the brown."

 

[melody]

John And Jane

John and Jane were attending a dinner party so that John's mother could
meet Jane for the first time. Towards the end of the evening, Jane
approached John and asked if there was a problem, as John's mother
seemed to be avoiding her after their first introduction.

"Honestly, my dear," John said, "Mother finds you to be, how should I
put it, a bit on the crude side."

"Crude? Doesn't she know that I come from one of the most respected
families in Boston? That I was educated in Switzerland? That I attended
the finest finishing schools on the East Coast? That I obtained a
master's degree at Vassar, graduating Magna Cum Laud?" Jane asked.

"Yes, yes, my love, I told her all that," John replied.

"Then where in the fuck does that snooty cunt come off with all that
crude bullshit?

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

A woman went to visit a psychiatrist. He immediately threw her on the
couch and fucked her brains out. After he got his rocks off, he said,
"Well, that takes care of my problem; what's yours?"
Q. What do a condom and a woman have in common?
A. They both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your
dick.
Q. Why are they having so much trouble finding a cure for AIDS?
A. The scientists can't get the little mice to butt fuck
Definition of an Airoplane Blonde:
A woman who has bleached her hair but she still has a black box.
What is 6.9?
A delightful activity interrupted by a period.

Nasty Gay Jokes

There once were four gay friends that lived in a small town. Feeling
the need for freedom to truly be themselves, they moved to the big
city.
Once there they had a good ole time, but unfortunately one of them,
Lloyd, fell into the drug scene and ended up with aids.
After his death his three friends had his body cremated and got
together to divide his ashes so each could remember Lloyd in his own
way.
The first friend said,"I am going to take Lloyd's ashes with me to the
top of the highest mountain. There I will have a hang glider and as I
glide to earth I will scatter his ashes to the wind, because Lloyd
loved to hang glide."
The second friend said, "Well, I am going to go out on my boat with
Lloyd's ashes and sail into the sea. And when I am far away from all
land I will scatter his ashes on the water, because Lloyd loved to
sail."
The third friend just looked and them both and said, "Well, you can do
whatever you want, but as for me, I'm taking Lloyd's ashes with me to
Wendy's and sprinkling them on a bowl of chili so he can tear my ass up
one more time!"

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

Two faggots were on the beach, one says to the other, "shall I put the
umbrella up?" The other one replies, "yes but don't open it!"


Two faggots are in a hot tub pushing a big turd back and forth in the
water. Another fag walks by and asks, "What the hell are you two doing?"
"We are teaching our baby to swim!"


Q: What is a shit?
A: A faggot's wet dream.

Q: What did the poof do when he missed his boyfriend?
A: He shit in his hand and had a wank.

Q: What do you call two faggots on a waterbed?
A: A fruit float!
Q: Why are faggots always the quickest out of a burning building?
A: Because they've already got their shit packed.

Q: What do you call a homosexual dinosaur?
A: A Megasorarse!

Q: What's worse than your best friend telling you that he's a faggot?
A: When he tells you that he fucked you that night you passed out drunk
....on his couch!

Q: What do you call the foreskin on a faggot?
A: Mud flaps.


A faggot hadn't had any sex for quite some time. One night,
he happened to run into a wino just outside of a gay bar. He said to
him, "Look, I do not know you, and you don't know me, but if I can
have sex with you, I'll give you fifty bucks!" The wino considered
this proposition and said, "well---okay. But you ought to be
forewarned that I have crabs." "That's all right," said the faggot...
"I love seafood."

 

[melody]

Bull And A Cow

A man wanted his bull and a cow to mate;

he tried everything but couldn't get the too together.

So he went to get some advise from a farmer who had the same problem.

The farmer told him to put his hand up the cow’s pussy

and then rub his hand around the bulls nose.

He went home and did this and then the cow and bull were at it

none- stopping. He went home and wondered if it would work on humans,

so he rubbed his hand around his wife’s pussy,

and rubbed it around his face and he got the biggest bone ever,

so he woke his wife up and said look!

She turned to him and said,

“ You have just woken me up to show me you have a nose bleed?”

_______

Yo mama's so big, she has to buy clothes by the acre.

Yo mama's so big, her belly button's got an echo.

Yo mama's so big, she whistles bass.

Yo mama's so big, she uses bowling balls for earrings.

Yo mama's so big, that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One size fits most"

Yo mama's so big, when I fingered her I lost a watch and two rings!

Yo mama's so big, when she goes in the water at the beach she changes the tide.

Yo mama's so big, when she stands up the sun goes out.

Sexual Activity

This couple were in bed starting sexual activity when the
girl places the man's hand onto her pussy.
"Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without
hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...",
she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to
get worked up when she says, ..."Put your whole hand in!".

The guy's like, "Well,Ok!". So he has his entire hand in,
when she says moaning and screaming with pleasure,
"Put both your hands inside of me!!!".
So the guy puts both of his hands in!
"Now clap your hands..."commands the girl.
"I can't applaud", says the guy.
The girl looks at him and says....."See, I told you I had
a tight pussy!"

nnnnn

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old RICH man married a
20-year-old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to
give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying,

"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again.

The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year.

The nurse said, "Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!"

He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then replied, "Well, you had better change the oil.

This one's black!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!.

nnnnn

Margaret went to her new gynecologist for her first exam.
The doctor got her in the stirrups and spread her
Legs. Then the doctor said, "Oh My God!!! In my all of my
Career, I have never seen such a huge vagina!! ...huge
Vagina!!"
She said, "Doctor, I know it and I'm very self-concious
About it. But you didn't have to repeat yourself."
The doctor replied, "I didn't. It was an echo!"

 

[melody]

Signs You Had A Bad First Date:

*Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother.
*You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her.
*She has a thicker moustache than you.
*When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions.
*You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.
*Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.
*You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your ass.
*You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin.
*At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.
*She beats the shit out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut.
*You wake up the next morning with a wicked hangover. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.
*At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.
*You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh.
*She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan.
*She is better hung than you.
*She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend
doesn't like you.

For The Discontented Women

Dear Friend:

This letter was started by a woman like yourself in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discontented women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just bundle up your husband and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list. Then add your name to the bottom of the list and send a copy of this to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.

When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive 3,325 men . . . and some of them are bound to be better than the one you gave up! DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN!!! One woman did, and received her own jerk back!

At this writing, a friend of mine had already received 184 men; they buried her yesterday, but it took four undertakers 36 hours to get the smile off of her face.

We're counting on you,

A Satisfied Woman
________

A worried father telephoned his family doctor and said that he
was afraid that his teenaged son had come down with V.D.

"He says he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so it has to
be her."

"Don't worry too much," advised the doctor. "These things
happen."

"I know, doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit that I've
been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the same
symptoms."

"That's unfortunate."

"Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife."

"Oh God," said the doc, "That means we all have it."