JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

A Nun With A Tin Cup

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a
local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun
holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a
long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about
how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it
was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said,

"Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end
of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad
person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I
provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local
service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities.
Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the
occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point
my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such
a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a
sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never
touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from
a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know ...."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a
drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the
glass, it's inside the person."

"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's
out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in
the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must
admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this"

"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about
this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you
mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He
went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the
rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"

The bartender sighed and said,

"Is that fucking nun out there again!"
*******
A man and a woman were in bed getting ready to make love.

The woman directed the man, “Go ahead. Put your finger in there.” So the man

did, and after a few minutes, she said, “Put a few more in.” So the man put a few more in, and then she requested, “Put your whole hand in.” The man did this, and after a few moments the woman said, “Now put your other hand in.” So the man did. The woman said, “Clap”

“I can’t,” replied the man.

So the woman said, “Tight, huh?”

 

[melody]

Love, Lust, Marriage

Love - when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust - when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage - when your belt won't meet around your
waist, and you don't care.

Love - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust - when the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage - what's a climax?

Love - when you show concern for your true love's feelings.
Lust - when you show concern for whether your partner is cute & sexy.
Marriage - when your only concern is what's on television; & where is the
remote?

Love - when your farewell is, "I love you, darling."
Lust - when your farewell is, "Same time next week?"
Marriage - when your farewell is, "Don't forget to
pick up the kids on the way home."

Love - when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
Lust - when you only see each other in the bedroom.
Marriage - when you never see each other awake.

Love - when your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust - when your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage - when your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love - when you're interested in everything your partner does.
Lust - when you're only interested in one thing.
Marriage - when you're not interested in what your
partner does; and where IS that darned remote?



A group of young businessmen were chatting at the bar, and one decided
to share his most recent embarrassment with the others. He tells them that
he was booking a plane ticket to Pittsburgh, but he was so preoccupied with
the beautiful breasts of the girl to the counter, that instead of saying

"I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh", he said, "I'd like a picket to
Titsburg!"!

An older guy nearby hears the story and says, "You know, I had a similar
experience with my wife this morning. We were sitting at the breakfast
table and I meant to say, "Darling, could you please pass the butter"

but what came out was, "You bitch, you're ruining my fucking life!"

 

[melody]

A zookeeper And His Gorilla

A man, having some time to kill, visited the local zoo.

He was fascinated by a Gorilla cage that had a sign reading, 'This is the smartest Gorilla in captivity. He is a perfect mimic. Anything you can do, he can do'

Always one to accept a challenge, the man scratched the top of his head. The Gorilla did the same, exactly.

The man tickled his ribs. Gorilla followed suit.

The man then placed a finger under his eye and dragged it a little downward. The Gorilla went nuts. He bent the bars of the cage, dragged the man inside and beat him nearly to death. The keeper spotted it in time and pulled the man out and sent him to the hospital.

The zoo administrator visited the man and asked what he had done to the Gorilla. The man was outraged and explained that he did not do anything to the Gorilla, just followed the sign.

After describing all his actions, the zookeeper said that the action of dragging down the eye was, in Gorilla sign language, a grievous insult (it was the same as 'screw you!'), so the Gorilla reacted naturally.

The man was not happy with this and, for the 3 months he was in the hospital, he plotted a way to get revenge...

He got out and purchased a straight razor and large salami.

Hiding these, he went to the gorilla's cage and repeated the first 2 actions he had used before (scratched head, tickled ribs) and the gorilla, as before, copied them perfectly.

The man then stuck the salami between his legs and sliced it in half with the razor...

The Gorilla placed a finger below his eye and dragged it down.

NNNNN

One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.
“Grandma” Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother’s legs. “What’s that?”
“Oh,” her grandmother replies. “That’s my beaver, dear.”
The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. “Mommy, is that your beaver?” asks the girl.
“Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?” her mother answers.
“From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out.”

NNNNN

What do you get if you cross an armadillo with a vibrator?
An armadildo!

What do elephants use as tampons?
Sheep!

What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls?
Sparky!

What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
"You know, we do taste like chicken!"

There are two fleas on a woman's pussy. One is smoking dope, what is the other doing?
Sniffing crack!

 

[melody]

Five men end up stranded on a tropical island. The only female around is a gorilla on the other end of the island. After one whole month the guys are all sitting around and Garry stands up and says, "I'm so horny, I can't take it anymore!"

So he grabs a bag and storms off to the other side of the island with his pals right behind him. They catch the gorilla, each guy grabs an arm or leg and Garry puts the bag over the gorilla's head. He climbs on top of the gorilla and begins to do the nasty.

The gorilla fights and struggles and finally gets an arm free and she wraps it around Garry's back. Then she gets both feet free and wraps them around Garry's waist. She gets her other arm free and grabs on to his hips and starts pulling him in harder and harder. Garry yells to his buddies...."Get it off!! Get it off!!

They said, "You're on top, we can't get her off of you."

Garry said... "No, I mean the bag..I want to kiss the bitch!"


Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls. One guy says to the other, " Man, I sure wish I could do that". The other guy says, " Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"


Brent was visiting his doctor complaining of a really painful ass.

Upon inspection, the doctor was amazed at the width of the man's asshole and asked him how this had come about.

'Well', replied Brent, 'I was on safari in Africa and was raped by a huge elephant.'

The doctor was dumbfounded and said 'I'm no expert at zoology, but I was sure that elephants had long but rather thin penises.'

'That much may be true' replied Brent, 'but the bugger fingered me off first!'


Guy from Oklahoma and guy from Arkansas were out hunting. They find a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. Guy from Oklahoma says. "Now's our chance," and he goes over and buggers the sheep. He gets done and says to the other guy, "Your turn." The guy from Arkansas goes over and sticks his head in the fence.


Did you hear about the homo whale?
He bit the tip off a submarine and sucked all the seamen out!
Why do you wrap duck tape around a guinea pig?
So it doesn't explode when you fuck it!
What do you get if you cross an armadillo with a vibrator?
An armadildo!
What do you call skunks having oral sex?
Odour eaters!
What do elephants use as tampons?
Sheep!
What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls?
Sparky!

The Paratroopers

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher
and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the
news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what
happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door
and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out
of the plane!" "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not
yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and
throw them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father. "I'm
getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left
on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told
be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt." "So, did you jump?" "Not
then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door
and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump
Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He
said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?´ I said, `No, sir. I´m too
scared.´ So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis
out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a
baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I´m
sticking this little baby up your ass.´" "So, did you jump?" asked the
father. "Well, a little, at first.

============ ========= ========= ========= =

A young bride was once heard to say,
"Oh, dear, I'm wearing away!"
"The inside of my thighs,"
"Look just like mince pies,"
"For my husband won't shave everyday!"
A soldier known only as Sarge,
Had sex with a hooker named Marge,
Though only a grunt,
He assaulted her cunt,
An gave her an honourable discharge!

 

[melody]

Blonde And Redhead

There are these two secretaries, a Blonde and a Red Head, and the Red
Head gets flowers sent to her.
The Blonde says, Boy those sure are pretty. The Red Head says, Yes and
I will probably have my legs behind my head all weekend.
The Blonde says, Why? don't you have a vase??

nnnnn

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.
"How am I doing?" He asks.
"Three knots," she replies.
"Three knots? What's that mean?"
"You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back!"

nnnnn

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes
back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a
note to the Chinaman that says, "Use more soap on panties."

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the
laundry.

Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said, "Use
more paper on ass."

nnnnn

There was a young lady from Brewster

Who's ass was so nice that I goosed her,

But her panties were thin

And my finger slipped in

And it still just don't smell like it used ter.

There once was a man from Australia

Who painted his ass like a dahlia

The color was fine

And the likeness, sublime

But the aroma, now that was the falia


Definitions By Gender

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

BUM (bum) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured
makes look bigger.
Male: The organ for mooning (and farting).


LESBIAN (lez-bee-an) n.
Female: A woman who makes love to other women.
Male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch.

aaaaaaaaaa

There were two prisoners. One was a big hulking man and the other was a sort of wimpy one. The big hulking prisoner asks the wimpy prisoner; let’s play house. Who do you want to be, the mama or the daddy? The wimpy prisoner answers in a wimpy voice, “the daddy". Then the big prisoner said: Then get over here and suck mama's dick.

aaaaaaaaaa

"Doctor I think my breasts are filled with water."
"Water! How's that possible?"
"Whenever someone presses them my pussy gets wet."

 

[melody]

THE REDNECK INTELLIGENCE TEST

Study each question carefully, then choose the answer that seems "most"
correct (TRUE or FALSE) and mark an "X" (just like you sign your name)
on the appropriate line at the right.

1. A clitoris is a type of flower____TRUE____FALSE

2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit ____TRUE____FALSE

3. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird ____TRUE____FALSE

4. Vagina - a medical term to describe heart trouble.____TRUE____FALSE

5. A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels ____TRUE____FALSE

6. A G-string is a part of a violin ____TRUE____FALSE

7. Semen is another word for sailor ____TRUE____FALSE

8. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly" ____TRUE____FALSE

9. Testicles are found on an octopus ____TRUE____FALSE

10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles ____TRUE____FALSE

11. Masturbate is used to catch a large fish ____TRUE____FALSE

12. Kotex is a radio station in Bryan, Tx ____TRUE____FALSE

13. Coitus is a musical instrument ____TRUE____FALSE

14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke ____TRUE____FALSE

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute ____TRUE____FALSE

16. A condom is an apartment complex ____TRUE____FALSE

17. orgasm - accompanies the choir at church ____TRUE____FALSE

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry ____TRUE____FALSE

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle ____TRUE____FALSE

20. Erection - when the Japanese vote for their new
government____TRUE____FALSE

21. A lesbian is a person from the middle east ____TRUE____FALSE

22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass ____TRUE____FALSE

23. Pornography is the business of making record
albums____TRUE____FALSE

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish faith ____TRUE____FALSE

25. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve" ____TRUE____FALSE

26. An enema is someone who is not your friend ____TRUE____FALSE

27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese ____TRUE____FALSE

28. Scrotum is a small planet near Venus ____TRUE____FALSE

29. "Cock" is a bird that crows in the morning ____TRUE____FALSE

 

[melody]

Rough Sex Facts

Body: Giving .........head. ...... Massages the jaw....while burning 32
Calories.

Swallowing foreign body juices is actually like taking vitamins and it
Whitens your teeth

The American Dental Association says that semen cuts plaque better than
Mouth wash, so suck a dick and save a smile.

Having nice sex burns 358 calories.

Having rough sex [make it hurt] burns 543 calories.

Take off her clothes:
With her consent..... ......... ......... ..12 cal
Without..... ......... ........187 cal

Take off her Bra:
With two hands....... ......... ......... .8 cal
With one hand........ ......... ........12 cal
With mouth....... ......... ......... ....85 cal

Put on Protection:
Hard ............ ......... ..... 6 cal
Soft........ ......... ......... 315 cal

Foreplay:
Looking for target...... ......... ....8 cal
Finding G spot ............ ......... .92 cal
I don't F***ing care........ ......... ....0 c

Entry:
Holding her......... ......... 12 cal
On the floor....... ......... .8 cal

With Different Position:
Missionary.. ......... ......... ......358 cal
Doggy....... ......... ......... ..316 cal
69 lying....... ......... ......... ......286 cal
69 standing.... ......... ......... .......512 cal
Italian hanger...... ......... ......... .912 cal

Orgasm:
Real........ ......... ......... ......112 cal
Faking...... ......... ......... ........315 cal

After "O":
Lying in Bed......... ......... ......... ..18 cal
Hop off the bed......... ......... ......... .36 cal
Wondering why she left pissed off......... ..816 cal

Get dressed:
Quiet and calm........ ......... ......... .32 cal
Rushing..... ......... ......... ..98 cal
Heard her boyfriend opening the door........ .....1218 cal
Heard her dad at the door........ .....1942 cal
Her mom walking in.......... ......... ......... ..Priceless! !!LOL

 

[melody]

Sex Education Alphabet

"A" for......Asshole
"B" for......Boobs
"C" for .....Cunnilingus
"D" for......Dick
"E" for......Entry
"F" for......Fondling
"G" for......G-spot
"H" for......Handjob
"I" for........Inside
"J" for.......Jerks
"K" for......Kiss
"L" for.......Lesbian
"M" for......Man
"N" for.......Nipples
"O" for......Oral
"P" for... ...Penetration
"Q" for......Quicky
"R" for.......Rape
"S" for......Strokes
"T" for.......Trio
"U" for.......Undressing
"V" for.......Vouyerism
"W" for......Womaniser
"X" for........X X X
"Y" for.......Young
"Z" for........Zest
------------
Two nuns were sitting in their car waiting for the traffic lights to change when suddenly a vampire appears in front of them.
"Oh sister," said the first nun, "What shall we do?"
"Show him your cross!" replied the second nun.
So the first nun stuck her head out of the window and screamed, "Fuck off you ugly motherfucker!"
Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asked the barman.
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I wanted to brew my own!"

The Paratroopers

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher
and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the
news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what
happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door
and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out
of the plane!" "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not
yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and
throw them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father. "I'm
getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left
on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told
be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt." "So, did you jump?" "Not
then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door
and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump
Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He
said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?´ I said, `No, sir. I´m too
scared.´ So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis
out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a
baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I´m
sticking this little baby up your ass.´" "So, did you jump?" asked the
father. "Well, a little, at first.

============ ========= ========= ========= =

A young bride was once heard to say,
"Oh, dear, I'm wearing away!"
"The inside of my thighs,"
"Look just like mince pies,"
"For my husband won't shave everyday!"
A soldier known only as Sarge,
Had sex with a hooker named Marge,
Though only a grunt,
He assaulted her cunt,
An gave her an honourable discharge!

 

[melody]

I.M. With An Idiot
This classic IM actually happened with an old friend of mine. (Sillygirll693) I crack up everytime I read it.

Hello all...
Today I had an ecounter with someone who is probably the stupidest person on the face of the Earth. You all know how much I HATE the a/s/l IMs, and I just could NOT back down from giving this loser everything I could think of to throw at him...LOL... enjoy.. I sure did..hehehe.


NHWhGuy: a/s/l/ pic
Sillygirll693: do I know you?
NHWhGuy: not yet
Sillygirll693: then please don't IM me
NHWhGuy: why
Sillygirll693: because I said so.
NHWhGuy: why
Sillyigirll693: do you speak English?

( five minutes later...)

NHWhGuy: want fuck
Sillygirll693: excuse me?
NHWhGuy: i am 10 inces
Sillygirll693: and I am the first lady. Go away.
NHWhGuy: I lik pussy
Sillygirll693: You have a wonderful grasp of the english
language. What are you ... 12?
NHWhGuy: want fuck
Sillygirll693: I am not sure I understand you.. are you asking
a question or making a statement?
NHWhGuy: i am 16
Sillygirll693: 16 inches or 16 years old?
Sillygirll693: Keep in mind that 16 AOL inches equals 4 real
life inches?
NHWhGuy: 10 inces
Sillygirll693: well I wish you would make up your mind. 10 INCHES
is actually 2.
NHWhGuy: cyber
Sillygirll693: Hey!! You spelled something right! You'll make it to
the third grade in no time.
NHWhGuy: what
Sillygirll693: what?
NHWhGuy: r u hot
Sillygirll693: Well, actually it is snowing here, so it is hard to be hot
NHWhGuy: mak u hot
Sillygirll693: you couldn't MAKE me hot if I was sitting bare-assed on
a wood stove.
NHWhGuy: Make you walk the sheets
Sillygirll693: What's that? Your mother walks the streets? Oh now I
understand things much better..
NHWhGuy: u r funny ha ha
Sillygirll693: Thank you. You are an imbecile.
NHWhGuy: u lik me
Sillygirll693: Lick you or like you? Either way I will have to think about
it a bit..
Sillygirll693: Ok, thought about it..... NO
NHWhGuy: r u white
Sillygirll693: actually I am a pinkish color.
Sillygirll693: Is your neck red?
Sillygirll693: Do you have a junkyard in front of your trailer?
NHWhGuy: what
Sillygirll693: Me Tarzan, you Jane.
NHWhGuy: i like u
Sillygirll693: I am so glad to hear that.
Sillygirll693: It is past your naptime, kid. Better go upstairs and brush
your tooth, pop a few zits, etc.
NHWhGuy: no its not
Sillygirll693: Then why is your mother calling you? Never mind, I don't
want to know.
NHWhGuy: why
Sillygirll693: why what? Why do you have the IQ of a goat? I have the
answer...INBREEDING.
NHWhGuy: i have a g/f
Sillygirll693: Oh really? How many teeth does she have?
Sillygirll693: Does she shave her mustache before kissing you?
NHWhGuy: we like 3ways
Sillygirll693: Oh cool.. I know someone who might be interested.
NHWhGuy: who
Sillygirll693: she's right here .....baaaaaaa...baaaaaaa
Sillygirll693: she still smells like the barn, but I am sure you are used
to that
NHWhGuy: why
Sillygirll693: because she is a sheep, numbstick!
NHWhGuy: why u have sheep
Sillygirll693: oh forget it. Go get your own.
Sillygirll693: a pimple on my ass would have ten times the intelligence you have.
NHWhGuy: cyber me
Sillygirll693: hmm.. let me think about it awhile.
Sillygirll693: No
NHWhGuy: u dont like me
Sillygirll693: Really! What gave you that idea?
NHWhGuy: why r u in bi room
Sillygirll693: Well, you see I thought maybe if I came in here another 16
year old sheep-fucking, pimple-faced, braincell-challenged redneck idiot
with a 2 inch penis and a 3 word vocabulary might IM me and try to cyber.

(Long pause)

Sillygirll693: was that too many words for you?
NHWhGuy: i am not 16
Sillygirll693: Really.. and I thought you were being honest.
NHWhGuy: i am 20
Sillygirll693: as if it makes all the difference in the world.
NHWhGuy: age dont matter
Sillygirll693: actually it does, since you claim to be 20 with the intellect
of a 14 year old pervert.
NHWhGuy: fuck u
Sillygirll693: No thanks, I am not into sheep.
Sillygirll6931: baaaaaaaa baaaaaaaa
NHWhGuy: u r funny
Sillygirll693: nope.. I am Silly you dorkhead.

Sillygirll693: Well junior, it's been fun. But I know you should be taking a
nap by now, or your mommy will be mad at you and Santa won't bring you
any presents.
NHWhGuy: moms not home
Sillygirll693: Oh that's right, she's working. And she will probably have
breakfast with her pimp when her shift is over.
NHWhGuy: fuck u
Sillygirll693: baaaaaaaaa
NHWhGuy: fat ugly dike
Sillygirll693: that's DYKE you uneducated drip of snot.
Sillygirll693: If I am a fat ugly dyke, then why do you want to cyber me?
NHWhGuy: cant get a man
Sillygirll693: Oh, don't give up so easily, Junior. I know there is a perfect
man out there somewhere just waiting for you.
NHWhGuy: no u cant get a man
Sillygirll693: I am a dyke, remember, genius?
NHWhGuy: hope u get shit for xmas
Sillygirll693: Was that an insult? Allright junior!! Way to go!!
NHWhGuy: fuck u
Sillygirll693: Don't hold back now!
NHWhGuy: fat ass
Sillygirll693: baaaaaaaaa.. baaaaaaaa
Sillygirll693: Well junior, thank you so much for entertaining me. I
always enjoy watching a dildo like you make a complete ass of himself.
NHWhGuy: u r a fucken fat ass dike bitch
Sillygirll693: That's a good boy. I am
sure your parents will be proud when they read this.
NHWhGuy: they wont read it
Sillygirll693: They will when I mail it to the master screen name account of the computer you are using right now.
NHWhGuy: u cant do that
Sillygirll693: Why don't you just wait and see?
NHWhGuy: no
Sillygirll693: yesssss!
NHWhGuy: r u goin to mail it
Sillygirll693: Junior, this is such a classic I am going to mail it to everyone I know, INCLUDING your parents and AOL
NHWhGuy: please dont
Sillygirll693: Now its please...
NHWhGuy: never mind i dont want cyber u
Sillygirll693: Oh how disappointing.
NHWhGuy: i want be frends
Sillygirll693: I am sure you will make lots of new friends in prison.
NHWhGuy: bye
Sillygirll693: bye Junior.. don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.
NHWhGuy: what
Sillygirll693: I said go smell a fart.
NHWhGuy: No u didnt
Sillygirll693: Say no to drugs!
NHWhGuy: u r werd
Sillygirll693: And you have the brains of a doorknob. Good luck in prison,
and remember my barn door is always open to you.
NHWhGuy: bitch
Sillygirll693: don't go away mad..just go away

Here's the good part... an hour later I went to put this guy's name on my idiot list for future reference.. and it said he wasn't a member. Either he changed his SN immediately, or he's not on AOL...
hmmmmmm......
Anyway, everyone keep an eye out for him, and let him have it if you see him...LMAOFF

"Hey, Can You Give Me A Hand?".

Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man
with no arms comes up to him and says
"Hey, can you give me a hand?"
Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help.
He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes
out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy.
Imagining the bonus he will get come judgement day, he continues to hold
the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back
up in his pants.
"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says
"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with
your Johnson?"
Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know,
but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"


A kindergarten teacher comes to class and says, "Today class I am going
to give you a letter of the alphabet and I want you to give me a word
that begins with that letter." She begins with the letter "A" and all the
kids raise their hands. There is one kid in the back named Johnny that is real
eager to answer the question, but the teacher knows that he is always
vulgar and likes to use obscenities so she chooses on little Mary to
answer. Mary stands and says,"A...Apple" The teacher replies,"That's
great, Mary, good job." So she moves on to the letter "B", and again
Johnny is still eager to answer the question, but the teacher is sure
that he will probably say "Bitch" or something like that so she calls on
Todd.
Todd says,"B...Baseball." And the teacher replies,"Good Job, Todd."
So they start going through the alphabet and the class' attention
dwindles, except for Johnny. The teacher comes to the letter "R" and no
one, except for Johnny, is raising their hand so she is forced to call
on him. "Okay Johnny, what starts with R?" she says. "R...Rat" Johnny
replies. "Rat, ...that's it...rat?" the teacher questions with
astonishment. "Yeah," says Johnny, "Big-ass mother-fuckin' rat with a
dick 12 inches long."

 

[melody]

A Farmer And A Student

A farmer hires a college student one summer to help around the farm. At the end of the summer the farmer says, "Son, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you." The college guy says, "Right on, thanks a lot man." So the farmer says, "Well you better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkn' going on." College guy "Hey, I can drink just as much as anyone else so I should do just fine." Farmer "There is also going to be a lot of fightn' so I hope you are ready." College guy "I have been working hard all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape." Farmer says, "Well, did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?" College guy "Good. I have been out here all summer and I have been dying for some action. What should I wear to this party?" Farmer says, "I don't care it's just going to be me and you."


This lady goes to the gynecologist but won't tell the receptionist what's wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor. After hours of waiting the doctor sees her in. Ok my good woman what is your problem the doctor asks. Well, she says, my husband is a very compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. So I had five hundred dollars and I stuffed it in my vagina but now I can't get it out. The doctor says, don't be nervous I see this happen all the time. He asks her to pull down her underwear sits her down with her legs wide open puts his gloves on and says: I only have one question. What am I looking for? Bills or loose change?


There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

No Arms Or Legs

A very good looking guy is walking down the beach and he
sees a woman with no arms or legs, just "sitting" there.
As he approaches her, he notices that she is crying her
eyes out. He bends down and asks "why are you crying?"
She replies, "I've never been deeply kissed, would you
kiss me?"

So he thinks for a second and then bends down, gives her a
deep kiss and starts to walk away again. But then she
starts bawling and crying even louder. He turns and asks
why she's crying this time. She looks at him wantonly
and says, "I've never been fucked before."
So he thinks for another second, walks over to her,
bends down and picks her up, and chucks her into the
ocean, and says, "Well, you're fucked now."


A Young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking cappuccino

at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.
"Hello," he said. " Do you understand English?"
"Only a little," she answered.
"How much?" he asked.
"Fifty dollars," she replied.


A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the
owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his
free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he
guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with his buddy, Bubba, pulled in
for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again
gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The
redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was
4. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that
game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged my wife
won twice last week."

 

[melody]

Sperm

A swarm of sperms is swimming frantically through the murky passages of
a human body. The main group is being led by a scout sperm who is
running up ahead, making sure they are all going the right way.

At some point the scout sperm goes round the corner and disappears for a
second. When the main group reaches the spot, they see the scout sperm
stand still, just his little tail whipping left and right, his little
head wagging this way and that. He looks really perplexed.

The sperms in the main group start yelling, "What`s the
matter, why are we stopping? C`mon, we gotta run, we gotta
job to do, an ovum to meet..!"

The scout sperm shushes them impatiently, then sniffs the air up ahead
some more and announces grimly: "Brothers, we`ve been had... We`re up
somebody`s ass!"

~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~

There once was a fellow named Howard,
Whose large tool was nuclear-powered.
While grabbing some ass,
He reached critical mass;
But think of the girl he deflowered!

~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~

A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he
really never said too much.

One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of brushes knocked his
door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't
home.

" Well," the woman said, " could I please wait for her?"

The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more
than three hours.

After feeling really worried, she called out for him and asked," May I
know where your wife is?"

" She went to the cemetery," he replied.

"And when is she returning?"

"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now."

 

[melody]

Yo Mama's So Nasty...

Yo mama's so nasty, she only changes her drawers once every 10000 miles.
Yo mama's so nasty, she went to a hair salon and told the stylist to cut her hair, then she opened up her blouse!!
Yo mama's so nasty, she calls Janet "Miss Jackson."
Yo mama's so nasty, she puts ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh.
Yo mama's so nasty, when she did the splits, she stuck to the floor.
Yo mama's so nasty, she has more crabs then Red Lobster.
Yo mama's so nasty, she pours salt water in her drawers to keep the crabs alive.
Yo mama's so nasty, she breeds crabs.
Yo mama's so nasty, her crabs use her tampon string as a bungee cord.
Yo mama's so nasty, she has a sign over her pussy that says "Crabs: All U Can Eat"
Yo mama's so nasty, when I went to yo house said whats for dinner, yo mama jumped up on the table, spread her legs, and said "crabs!"
Yo mama's so nasty, when I went to yo house said what's for dinner, yo mama put her foot up on the table and said "Corn!"
Yo mama's so nasty, she's got more clap than an auditorium.
Yo mama's so nasty, she has a sign by her pussy that says: "Warning: May cause irritation, drowsiness, and a rash or breakouts."
Yo mama's so nasty, they call her Norelco... Home of the triple head.
Yo mama's so nasty, she made Speed Stick slow down.
Yo mama's so nasty, she made Right Guard turn left.
Yo mama's so nasty, she has to use Right Guard and Left Guard.
Yo mama's so nasty, she went swimming and made the Dead Sea.
Yo mama's so nasty, her tits give sour milk.
Yo mama's so nasty, she bit the dog and gave it rabies.
Yo mama's so nasty, when someone asked her what she was going to eat, she spread her legs and pointed down.
Yo mama's so nasty, she bought her boyfriend kneepads for christmas.
Yo mama's so nasty, she had sex with a woman and got pregnant.
Yo mama's so nasty, I called her up for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.
Yo mama's so nasty, I talked to her over the computer and she gave me a virus.
Yo mama's so nasty, a skunk smelled her ass and passed out.

Yo Mama's So Smelly/Stank...

Yo mama's so stank, the only dis I want to give her is a disinfectant.
Yo mama's so stank, even dogs won't sniff her crotch.
Yo mama smells like the Flash's nuts after a hard day of runnin'.
Yo mama's so stank, when you were being delivered, the doctor was wearing the oxygen mask.
Yo mama smells so bad her Sure deodorant is confused and her Secret told on her.
Yo mama's so stank, she made her Right Guard call for backup.
Yo mama's so stank, she made Right Guard go left, Speed Stick slow down, and Ban come off strike.
Yo mama's so stank, she has to use Right Guard and Left Guard.
Yo mama's so stank, a blind man walking by her asked "How much for the shrimp platter?"
Yo mama's so stank, when she spreads her legs I get sea sick.
Yo mama's so stank, she was playing in a sand box and a cat came along and buried her.
Yo mama smells like hot ass on a cold day.
Yo mama's so stank, every time she opens her mouth she's talking shit.
Yo mama's so stank, that her shit is glad to escape.
Yo mama's so stank, she's like Shaquille O'Neal, she don't fake the funk!!
Yo mama's so stank, next to her a skunk smells sweet.
Yo mama's so stanky, she gets sourdough yeast infections.
Yo mama's so skanky, she stuck in a cucumber and pulled out a pickle.
Yo mama's drawers are so funky, the roaches check in but they don't check out.

Beer ~vs~ Pussy

A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football
game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a
breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God.
Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are
normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you
are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you
back.
Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Draw

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.

 

[melody]

3 Nuns And Mother Superior

There were 3 nuns and a mother superior. The mother superior told the
nuns they had one last test before they would receive their saint name.
The mother superior said the nuns each had to go out and commit a sin so
they would not be tempted. Each nun commits her sin and returns to the
mother superior.
The mother superior asks each nun if they have
committed their sin and they reply "Yes."
The first two nuns are crying
and the third is wearing a grin.
So she asks each nun what their sin
was.
The first nun says, "I was really terrible; I picked flowers from
someone's garden."
The mother superior says, "Go and drink the holy
water and your sin will be forgiven."
The second nun is still crying and
the third is now giggling.
So the second nun was asked to confess her
sin. She says, "I said a curse word." The mother superior tells her it
will be all right after she too goes and drinks the holy water.
The third nun can barely speak she is laughing so hard.
Finally, the mother
superior asks what her sin was. She calmed herself enough to say,
"I peed in the holy water."

Sperm

A swarm of sperms is swimming frantically through the murky passages of
a human body. The main group is being led by a scout sperm who is
running up ahead, making sure they are all going the right way.

At some point the scout sperm goes round the corner and disappears for a
second. When the main group reaches the spot, they see the scout sperm
stand still, just his little tail whipping left and right, his little
head wagging this way and that. He looks really perplexed.

The sperms in the main group start yelling, "What`s the
matter, why are we stopping? C`mon, we gotta run, we gotta
job to do, an ovum to meet..!"

The scout sperm shushes them impatiently, then sniffs the air up ahead
some more and announces grimly: "Brothers, we`ve been had... We`re up
somebody`s ass!"


Visiting a lawyer for advice, Lisa said, "I want you to help me
obtain a divorce. My husband Richard is getting a little queer
to sleep with."

"What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to
indulge in unusual sex practices?"

"No, he doesn't," replied Lisa, "and neither does the little
queer."

 

[melody]

An Opossum

Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway
And run over an opossum.
Knowing that mother opossums often carry babies in their pouch,
They decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was
A baby, so they decide to rescue it.
They take it into the car and continue down the road.
The little opossum is scared and squirming around like
Crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?
He thinks for a minute and says,
"Well it's used to being in it's mother's pouch.
Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in "there"
It will calm down."
She exclaims, "I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly
And nasty!"
The husband replies, "Well why don't you just hold it's
Little nose then?"

...

Little Johnny's father walks into the bathroom and catches him
having a wank.

He says, "Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby."
The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him
again.Johnny says, "Bow your head, Dad. Can't you see we're having a
funeral?"

...

Nappy haired bitch
with eyes like a frog
I wanna bend you over
and fuck you like a dog.
...

This guy is eating this prostitutes cunt and he says, "this
tastes like rice pudding?"
"That's what all the boys say, but it's really maggots."
...

A little girl asks her father, "where do little girls come from?"
The father says, "they come from a hard-on."
The little girl then asks her father, "where does a hard-on come from?"
The father says, "little girls!"

 

[melody]

Bizarre 'Accidents' Suffered By Blokes...

A man turned up at a hospital wearing an overcoat, and with blood
dripping down his leg. When he removed the coat, the doctor saw
he had a geranium inserted in his penis. The man had got the
flower in without any difficulty, but when he tried to remove it,
the hairs on the stem of the flower had dug into the urethra and
ripped it to shreds.

A policeman in Staffordshire returned home from a night shift to
his wife preparing breakfast. For some unknown reason, he wrapped
a slice of bread around his penis, at which point the dog leapt
up and took a bite out of it. The man needed cosmetic surgery to
restore the damage.

----------

A 34-year old New Yorker injected a cocaine solution into his
penis to heighten his sexual pleasure. After enjoying intercourse
with his girlfriend on not one but two occasions, he noticed that
his erection was still at its full glory. Having struggled to
sleep through the night he woke up to find his boner still
standing proud, but due to him worrying about the police finding
out about his possession, and indeed the use of an illegal
substance, he decided against visiting his doctor. However after
three days of enduring headaches and nausea, caused by the
constant trouser swelling, he went to the hospital in search of
help. He was admitted immediately and referred to a specialist
who diagnosed lack of oxygen to vital blood streams in his body,
as the cause of his sickness. He was given numerous drugs and
antibiotics to combat the swelling, but shortly afterwards
developed blood clots in various parts of his body with gangrene
setting in. As a result he lost both legs, nine fingers and his
penis.

--------------

You may want to grit your teeth before you read this. This is
really gruesome...

When a mate was studying in Ireland, he took up rugby. As his
first season wore on, the lads and him were eventually scheduled
to play a team which had a reputation for violent play.
Considering that they weren't the most talented outfit to have
ever taken the field, they decided to accept the challenge with a
"do or die" attitude, hoping things would eventually swing their
way. They didn't, and to make matters worse their star player
dislocated his hip after a particularly ferocious tackle. He was
clearly in a lot of pain, so they all stood back to allow the
medic to, in one swift movement, slot the hip back into its
socket. Then Alan began a long blood curdling scream. To their
horror, they realized that one of his testicles had also been
jammed into the socket and was now firmly held in the place by
the hip. Incidentally, he also managed to rip a vocal chord with
his screaming.

 

[melody]

Larry, Joe and the Gorilla

There were two guys that worked at the Zoo. One guy was named Larry,
and the other guy was named Joe. Well, one day, Larry bet Joe $500 to
go have sex with one of the female gorillas.

"Hell no," was Joe's first reply.

"Come on man! It's $500!! And besides, we'll have her feet and arms
tied down, and she'll have a muzzle on, so she can't get to ya!" Larry
urged Joe.

After thinking a bit, Joe replied, "Well... I guess. Heck, it is $500.
Who could turn that down?"

So they put Joe and the horniest gorilla they had in a room together.
Sure enough, the gorilla had chains on, and a muzzle.

Joe got it going.. at first going a little slow, then picking up his
pace. Just then, the gorilla's feet broke loose from the chains, and
wrapped around Joe's hips. A few minutes later, the gorilla's arms
broke loose and wrapped around Joe. Just then, Joe started yelling.

Larry came running in, out of breath, panting, "What?? What's the matter?
Do you want us to chain her up again?!" To this Joe replied,

"Hell no! Take this muzzle off so I can kiss the bitch!!!"
=======
Q. Did you hear about Woody Allen's latest movie?
A. It's called, "Honey, I married the kids."

Q. What's the difference between Princess Di and Jon Benet?
A. One was killed by Paparazzi and the other by Papa Ramsey.

Q. What do vampires use as snack crackers?
A. Scabs.

Q. What is black and has 12 green tits?
A. The garbage bag at a breast cancer clinic.

Q. Why do women enjoy giving blow jobs?
A. They know it's about the only time that they can get anything
straight in their heads.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who went to visit the Home for the
Profoundly Retarded and met a young female patient there who
had practically nothing on?
A. When he went back to revisit nine months later she had a little moron.

Q. What's the new movie about Michael Jackson called?
A. "The Hand that Robs the Cradle."

 

[melody]

Space Travel

A Russian, an American and a Blonde were discussing space travel. The American argued that because they were the first to put a man on the moon, America was superior in space travel. The blonde stated her kind was going to be far superior to Russia and America because they were going to be the first to land on the sun. The Russian asked the blonde if she was nuts. Didn't she know that it was impossible to land on the sun? The American asked her just how in the hell she thought they could accomplish this considering the heat and extreme brightness of the Sun." well, duh!" the blonde replied. "We’re going at night."

=============

Frank and Stan, two lifelong gays sat down, no clothes on, watching a gay porn video.
Frank gets up, gets dressed and says "I'm just going to the shop for some beer, whilst I'm gone I don't want you wanking, save yourself for later".
"Ok" said Stan.
When Frank returned he couldn't believe his eyes, the was cum all over the walls, curtains and carpet.
"I thought I told you no wanking" said Frank.
"I didn't have a wank" replied Stan, "I just farted"

 

[melody]

What Kind Of Man Are You?
(one of my favorites)

What kind of man are you? Take this test and find out:

1. A woman whispers, "Do me now, big boy..." in your ear. She is
obviously:
a) Short sighted.
b) Attempting to overcome a lack of self-esteem through meaningless
sexual gratification.
c) Begging for it.
d) A recording.

2. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Sex.
b) Fucking.
c) Enclosure.
d) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town.

3. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
b) Blood-test results.
c) A cab.
d) Five tequila slammers.

4. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first.
b) You both climax simultaneously.
c) The director can set up for a close-up.
d) You don't miss Sports night.

5. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Strictly for cats.
b) Healthy, creative love-play.
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
d) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.

6. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with
is:
a) The best part of the experience.
b) The second best part of the experience.
c) A loathsome chore.
d) $100 extra.

7. Your girlfriend says she's gained two kilos in weight in the last
month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours.
b) No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend.
c) No problem - she can join your gym.
d) A conservative estimate.

8. Today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) An ideal to which you aspire.
b) A myth.
c) An oxymoron.
d) A moron.

9. Your girlfriend announces that she is pregnant. Do you:
a) Take her in your arms and say: "Oh darling, this is the happiest day
of my life..."
b) Take her to bed and say: "I might as well get hung for a sheep as a
lamb..."
c) Ask her who the father is.
d) Take her phone number and tell her you'll get back to her.

10. A prostitute is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.

11. A wife is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.

12. Masturbation is:
a) Sex with someone you love.
b) A healthy exploration of your erogenous zones.
c) A team sport.
d) A cheap date.

13. How can you tell when your partner has an orgasm?
a) When she drops her nail file.
b) When she goes the color of a Chicago Bulls uniform.
c) When the Earth moves.
d) Who cares?

14. It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you:
a) Call her.
b) Call your lawyer.
c) Call your doctor.
d) Call your wife.

15. Which of the following lines best fits into your ideal role-playing
sexual fantasy:
a) "Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn..."
b) "I've got a nasty swelling down here, Nurse..."
c) "You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep...."
d) "Another consonant please, Pat...."

16. You take a woman out to dinner and the bill comes to $300. Do you
expect:
a) An overdraft.
b) A blow job.
c) Her to pay next time.
d) A thank-you letter.

17. You call your penis:
a) John Thomas.
b) 7 times a day.
c) Massive.
d) On its birthday.

18. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Priming is to painting.
b) Appetizer is to entree.
c) Trailer is to feature.
d) A queue is to an amusement park ride.

19. The slogan that sums up your sexual mores is:
a) Free Lorena Bobbitt.
b) Free Mike Tyson.
c) Free Willy.
d) Free condom with this survey.

20. During sex you:
a) Haggle.
b) Talk dirty.
c) Talk of love.
d) Talk on the phone.

21. Your local Mayor is involved in a lurid sex scandal. You are:
a) Outraged.
b) Implicated.
c) Jealous.
d) Never going to vote anyway.

22. A woman who consents to having sex with you when she is drunk is:
a) Easier.
b) Unfortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement.
c) Fortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement.
d) A tricky defense in court.

23. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."
c) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
d) "Keep the change."

24. At what point do you put on the condom?:
a) Before you go out.
b) Before you pass out.
c) As a party trick.
d) Never.

25. You wake to find your partner clutching your penis in one hand and a
carving knife in the other. Do you:
a) Talk through her anger.
b) Shout "Look behind you!" and make a run for it.
c) Ask her to put down the offensive weapon.
d) Ask her to put down the knife.

26. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Is uptight and a waste of time.
b) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
of intimacy.
c) May need glasses.
d) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.


Determining the results is simple. Whichever letter you have the most
of, is what type of man you are!

a. An Unreconstructed Male
b. A Right-on Male
c. A Rogue Male or
d. A Delivery Boy of the New Male Order

 

[melody]

Spring Cleaning

A lady was doing her spring cleaning in her 12th floor apartment. She was just shaking out the rug on her balcony when a strong gust of wind caught the rug and carried her over the edge.
As she was falling, a man reached out of the eighth floor window and caught her.
"Do you fuck?" the man asked.
"No, of course I don't!" the woman replied, so the man dropped her.
As she hurtled past the fifth floor, another man caught her.
"Do you suck?" asked the man.
"Definitely not!" replied the woman angrily, so the man dropped her.
As she approached the earth, she prayed to God to give her another chance at life. As she plummeted past the second floor a third man miraculously caught her.
"I fuck and I suck!" the woman screamed in a frenzy of fear.
"Dirty slut!" said the man, so he dropped her.
///
A boy walks into the bathroom and catches his mom sitting on the bowl in
her full glory.
He runs out to tell his father. He asks his father "What's that big gash
between mommy's legs?"
The father replies, "That's where I accidentally hit her with an axe!"
The boy replies "WOW, you got her right in the pussy!"
///
Why hasn't a woman ever walked on the moon?
Because it doesn't need cleaning!
Why do women always appear to be changing their minds?
It allows them to continually delude themselves that they have one!
Women are like guns.
Keep one around long enough and you are going to want to shoot it!

What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles.

What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
"Have another beer."
Melissa was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray pubic hairs.
She bent down and said to her privates, "I know you haven't been getting much lately.....
but I didn't know you were so worried about it!"

Fun Things To Say To A Girl With
No Arms And No Legs

What do you say
to a girl with
No Arms & No Legs?
" Nice Tits!!!
" If your happy and you know it clap your hands!"
" I guess a hand job is out off the question?
" You don't expect me to do the dishes?
" Could you pass me my cigarettes darling?
" I would have at least expected you to cook me dinner!!!
" Do you want a vibrator for Christmas?
" Why do you mean you haven't done the shopping?
" Oh… give me back the remote control.
" Do you want to play racket ball?
" Why haven't you made the bed?
" Now stand up and say that… BITCH!!!!!
" It's your turn to mow the lawn!
" Who left that slug trail on the kitchen floor?
" If you need something done while I'm gone, call a handyman!
" Are you having an affair you bitch, I've been calling all day!!!!
" One giant leap for mankind, one enormous thump on the floor!
" Remember… progress is just one step at a time.
" Put another log on the fire.
" Do you want to drive, or should I?
" It's your turn to walk the dog!
" For god sake woman… get off your arse!!!!


There once was a man from Bandoo
Who fell asleep in a canoe
He dreamed of Venus
And played with his penis
And woke up with a hand full of goo

There once was a girl from Azores,
Whose cunt was all covered in sores,
the men who got pussed,
were desperate for lust,
and licked up what was left in her drawers.

There once was a girl named McGill,
Who used dynamite sticks for a thrill.
They found her vagina
In South Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil.

 

[melody]

Animal Love

Bats have sex in the air while flying.

Kinsey found that the most frequent animal/human sex was in excess of eight times a week.
The age group that was the most frequent was less than 15 years old.

Erect giraffe penises are four feet long.

Chinese lovers, before the days of Mao, were most fond of sex with fowl.

When faced with an unfamiliar partner, a pregnant female rat or mouse will
spontaneously abort its fetus and go into heat.

To have sex with donkeys, Mongol men would often tie their hind legs together.

Average sexual intercourse between minks lasts eight hours.

Middle Eastern cave paintings reveal that men used to have sex with female crocodiles
because they believed that it would make them rich and important

A dragonfly's penis has a shovel on the end that scoops out a rival male's semen

The Inca enacted laws to prevent llama drivers from having sex with their animals
and enforced the laws be requiring that the llama drivers be escorted by chaperones.

The average gorilla weighing 200 pounds has a penis that is two inches long.

Upon losing battles, apes will tend to masturbate.

Male boars excite females by breathing on their faces.

In the animal kingdom, chimpanzees hold the record for the fastest quickies.
Sexual intercourse can last as little as three seconds.

Most giraffes are bisexual.

Billy goats urinate on their own heads to smell more attractive to females.

Pigs and hogs have corkscrew-shaped penises.

The sea slug does little more than eat, sleep, and copulate--actually it copulates a lot,
often in orgies. One researcher at the University of Miami has witnessed as many
as 10 sea slugs at a time engaging in chain copulating.

(Damn sea slugs got the right idea)

Under The Sheets

A man returned home from the night shift at 8 am, went straight
up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over
her head, feigning sleep.

Not to be denied, the horny fellow pulled up the sheet and
proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was
startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring
coffee.

"How'd you get down here so fast?", he asked, "we were just
making love."

"Oh my God", his wife gasped, "that's my mother up there! She
came over with a headache. I told her to lie down for a while."

Rushing upstairs, the woman ran into the bedroom.

"Why didn't you say something!", she asked her mother.

"I haven't spoken to that jerk in fifteen years", she huffed,
"and I wasn't about to start now!"
---------------
My ex-wife could manipulate the muscles of her vagina so it felt like you were getting a blow job.
Pretty funny when you think about it because when she manipulated the muscles of her mouth she sounded like a cunt.
----------
An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get
up to leave until the theater was ready to close for the night.

"You folks must've enjoyed the show," the usher said.

"Disgusting!" said the old lady.

"It was revolting," her husband added.

"Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks.

"We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady
replied. "We couldn't find my panties,and his teeth were in them!"