JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Things Never To Say During Sex...
(Part 3)

85) I like your tits.
86) suck my dick, bitch.
87) how much do I owe you?
88) How come we each have a penis?
89) of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
90) your ass is hairy (the guy says this) .
91) just use your finger, its bigger.
92) does your family have to watch?
93) we'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
94) get off me, I'll do it myself!!!!
95) can you hold this sandwich for me?
96) you're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
97) the only reason I'm doing this is because I'm drunk.
98) my mom taught me this.....
99) how cute... peach fuzz!
100) Damn girl! my tits are bigger than your's!
101) should I ask why you're bleeding?
102) this is my pet rat, Larry....
103) if you can't do it, I'll find someone else who can!
104) I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
105) I was once a woman...
106) wanna see me take out my glass eye?
107) no I don't love your mind, I can't grab that!!
108) is it O.K. if I tell my friends about this?
109) I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
110) you wanted me to use a condom?
111) you're no better than my brother!!
112) mooooo!!
113) Fire in the hole!!!
114) I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.
115) hurry up, I'm late for a date.
116) O.K. start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!!
117) you ever see basic instinct?
118) I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
119) don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
120) Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
121) you got boogies showing.
122) (start reciting the 10 commandments) .
123) I think I just shit on your bed.
124) of course I don't love you.
125) let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-I-n-t.

 

[melody]

The Hills Of Inverness

One misty Scottish morn a man was driving through the hills to
Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander
steps into the middle of the road. The man is about six foot
seven and built like a tank. He has a huge red beard and despite
the gale force wind and freezing temperatures, is wearing only
his kilt and his tweed shirt.

At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is
absolutely beautiful, slim, shapely, fair complexion ... heart
stopping. The car driver's attention is dragged from the girl
when the highlander opens his car door and drags him from the
seat onto the road.

"Right, you" he shouts, "I want you to masturbate"

"but ... " stammers the driver

"Now ... or I'll bloody kill you"

So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and
starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this
only takes a few seconds.

"Right" shouts the highlander "Do it again!"

"but ... " says the driver.

"Now!! ... " he bellows.

So the driver does it again.

"Right, do it again" demands the highlander.

This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both
arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind,
has collapsed in a sweating jibbering heap on the ground, unable
to walk.

"Do it again" says the highlander.

"I just can't do it any more - you'll just have to kill me,"
whimpers the man.

The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the
roadside.

"All right," he says, "can you give my daughter a lift to
Inverness?"

*************

Two girls were discussing their heavy smoking habits. "I get such a
yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective
countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck
strongly." "That's all very well for you," huffed her friend. "But
I don't happen to live in a house that's right on the beach!"

 

[melody]

Blonde Moments

Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."


There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the fli

Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."


There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two

ght and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"

A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?
There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde saw a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.
There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"
A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirtfield. She drove over to her and said, "It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your ass!"
Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom." The red head replies,"If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says, "Then I'm gonna have puppies !"


A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."

The cashier leaned over the counter and said:

"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"

What's the difference between a rooster and a blonde?
- A rooster says cock-le-dood-le-doo...
- A blonde says any-cock-le-doo...

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."


A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?" "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying "You've Got Mail."

 

[melody]

Ten Ways To Treat A Penis

1.) You've gotta "introduce" yourself to Willy Wonderful, i.e.,
"Hi! I'm Shirley! Nice to meet ya, big guy !". Don't dive on
it likes it's a raw piece of meat and you're a starving
pitbull! Be gentle. Stroke him nice and easy. Make friends
first.

2.) When (Not "IF") giving oral sex, don't suck so hard that you
make an industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and
suck the man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a
sensitive "guy" ya know. Be gentle. Contrary to your practicing
techniques in high school, the one who "Melts" the popsicle
first is not the winner.

3.) When sitting on top of a man, don't move too far forward or
back. Up and down is fine. What you're gonna do if you do move
too far forward and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's
crotch. Mr. Penis isn't made for that action. And, VERY
Important. When going up and down, if you should go up a
little too high and Mr. Penis pops out, you are not a
basketball net, and Willy Wonderful is not a golf ball ...
your aim is not that good, and your 100+ Lbs, and this little
Newton thingy called gravity will seriously injure Mr. Penis.

4.) Hand jobs - When stroking a guy's Dick don't grab it like a
bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow.
Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment
to strengthen the forearms, and remember friction is the
problem ...lubrication, the cure.

5.) Proper care of the love Tool - like any good tool you wanna
keep around for a while you've gotta take good care of it just
as you do your dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry
him gently. Oil him frequently, and have him park in the garage
as often as you can. Never bend, fold spindle or mutilate.
You'll get years of use out of him that way.

6.) If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just being coy or
stupid. That's where you have to use step #1 again. If no
response, then you sure gave him a good workout the first time.
Good for you!

7.) Never, ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr. Penis's two
friends, Mr. Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster.
Not even ice or a nude Pic of Janet Reno and the Queen Mother
playing chess at the Naturalist beach last July.

8.) If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a tee.

9.) If Mr. Penis can't "throw up" then his owner worked too hard on
pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be
proud that you had that effect on him ... not everyone can have
that effect on him.

10.) If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't say, "Shit! Not
that deep! What are you doing ...drilling for oil??" Say, "Wow
you're much bigger than I thought. Could you take it a little
easier on me?"

And never never say "Is it in?"

Blonde Moments

Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."


There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the fli

Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."


There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two

ght and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"

A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?
There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde saw a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.
There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"
A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirtfield. She drove over to her and said, "It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your ass!"
Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom." The red head replies,"If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says, "Then I'm gonna have puppies !"


A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."

The cashier leaned over the counter and said:

"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"

What's the difference between a rooster and a blonde?
- A rooster says cock-le-dood-le-doo...
- A blonde says any-cock-le-doo...

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."


A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?" "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying "You've Got Mail."

 

[melody]

Farm Animals

One day Little Johnny went walking
around to check out his surroundings
and found a farmer selling chickens.
Little Johnny went over to the farmer
to see how much he was selling them for.

The farmer asked him if he wanted a
male or a female. Little Johnny asked
for both. So the farmer said, "Here you
go, one cock and one pullet."

Little Johnny got confused, and asked
him what he meant. The farmer said,
"A cock is a male chicken and a pullet
is a female chicken."

Little Johnny said, "Oh," and went on
his way with two chickens one under
each arm. A bit further down the road
he saw a donkey for sale.

He went to the man who was selling it
to find out how much it was. The
man said, "The ass is 15 dollars."

Little Johnny replied, "No, I want
the donkey out side in your yard."

The man just said, "That's an ass."

Little Johnny, new to these terms,
just said, "Oh," and bought the donkey.

As he was leaving the man yelled out,
"Wait, the ass gets a bit stubborn about
going over hills, so you have to scratch
him behind the ears to get him going
again."

So Little Johnny is going back home
and the donkey stops dead in its
tracks and he can't get it to move.
He can't scratch its ear because he
would have to drop one of the chickens
and it would run away.

So Little Johnny starts to fuss and yell
at the donkey. While he is doing this a
beautiful woman walks up and asks him
if he needs help.

(Little Johnny thinks, hey, why don't I try
to impress this beautiful woman by using
my new terms that I learned today.)

So Little Johnny turns to the woman and
says, "Yeah, could you hold my cock and
pullet while I scratch my ass?"

()()()()()

Said a woman with open delight,
My pubic hairs perfectly white,
I admit there's a glare,
But the fellows don't care,
They find it more quickly at night!

There was an old fellow named Paul,
Whose prick was exceedingly small,
When in bed with a lay,
He could screw her all day,
Without touching her vaginal wall!

There was an old man of Duluth,
Whose cock was shot off in his youth,
He fucked with his nose,
And his fingers and toes,
And he came through a hole in his tooth!

Jack Daniels

A man walked into the local tavern where he
Frequented, and when the bartender came over, he said,
"I'd like to have three shots of Jack Daniels."
The bartender didn't question him, and brought him his 3
Shots. One, two, three -- they disappeared!
"Fill 'ER up again," asked the man.
The bartender repeated the process, and so did the
Patron -- one, two, three -- they were gone!
Well, Joe the Bartender didn't know what to make of this.
When the man asked for a third fill up, he said,
"Buddy, seems like you got problems! Do you want to talk
A bout 'em?"
The customer said, "Joe, I have a computer at home, and
Once a month -- maybe more -- I go to a porno website."
Joe, the bartender, said, "A lot of men do that -- but it
Doesn't make them drink like fish!"
"You don't understand," said the customer, "the one
I went to today, I saw 3 gorgeous women!" Joe said,
"That's not unusual. A lotta lovely women on the Internet!"
The customer turned to Joe, with tears in his eyes.
He said, "Have you ever been to a website,
And the first three women you see are your
Daughter, your wife, and your mother?"
~~~
How do you know when a woman is getting old?
Her bra size goes from a 44-D to a 44-long.
~~~
Q. Did you hear about the new gay website?
A. It's at "C : : ###"
(see-colon-enter-colon-pound-pound-pound)
~~~
What's the difference between a good fuck and a good shit?
You don't have to cuddle the turd afterwards.

 

[melody]

Mike Is Dead!

Two guys in a bar...

One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!"

" Wooo, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he
arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit
the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went
flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed
in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the
floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room
and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just
dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing
down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the
wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull
himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks
and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken
banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor,
sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the
downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the
kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big
pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and
burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground,
covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull
himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and
pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't
mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he ..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my fucking house."

*~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«

A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.
The doctor says, "I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?"
The girl thought and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans,
would you know which bean made you FART?"

Q's And A's

~~Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.

~~Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn?
She woke up with a kernel between her legs.

~~A married couple had a wild passionate session one Saturday morning before breakfast. They were really into it, even performing oral sex on each other.
I'm still trying to understand just why the husband went ballistic when his wife wanted to use his toothbrush after breakfast.

Q: Why were lesbians created?
A: So feminists couldn't reproduce!

Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your fridge?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!

Q. How do we know the Cinderella story was written by a woman?
A. Because if it was written by a guy, the prince would have fucked her till 12 and then she would have turned into a pizza.

Q) Did you hear about the inventive woman who wired up her vibrator to her bedside radio?
A) She came up with the world's first radio alarm cock!

~~What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
Odor eaters.

MEN.....

~~What's the difference between a man and a condom?
Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive.

~~What do UFO's and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but you never see any for yourself.

~~Why is sex like a game of cards?
Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

~~What's the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky?
Whisky improves with age.

~~Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it is unused.

~~What do you call a man who has suddenly lost 98 percent of his brain?
Divorced.

~~What are the three types of men?
The handsome, the caring and the majority.

~~What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?
Walking into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

~~What is a man?
A life-support machine for a penis.

~~I wanna be first to kiss the bride, no me, no me........

~~What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Slow down.

~~What do cheerleaders and tampons have in common?
They're both stuck up bitches!

~~What's the difference between the game of pool and a woman?
With pool you put all the balls in the holes and the stick stays
out, while with a woman you put the stick in and you leave the balls out.

~~Define "proctologist. "
A crack investigator.

~~Define "bisexual."
Someone who likes girls as well as the next guy.

Q. What do blowjobs and flowers have in common?
A. After the first year they are only given on special occasions.

~~Success is just like being pregnant:
Everybody congratulates you,
but nobody knows how many times you were fucked to get pregnant.

Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

~~What does a rooster have that a man wants?
A hard pecker.

Q. What does a man say after his third consecutive orgasm in one night?
A. "What!? What!? Don't you guys believe me?"

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde with a piranha?
A: I don't know, but it's your last blowjob.

 

[melody]

The Bus Ride

A guy down on his luck, was reduced to catching the bus.

One day a beautiful young nun boarded the bus and sat down in front of him. She was such a babe he kept leaning forward to perv on her. Finally, he could control himself no longer. Leaning forward, he whispered quietly in her ear, "I'd like to fuck you up the arse."
With a gasp of shock the nun jumped to her feet, rang the bell and got off the bus.

A couple of stops later, the bloke was getting off when the driver said, "Hey, what did you say to that nun?"

"Well, to be honest," said the guy, "she looked so damn good I said I'd like to fuck her up the arse."

"Shit, no wonder she got off. She's very religious and you shoulda asked her in a more devout way. As a matter of fact, she goes through the park down the road every night at about 7.30. Why don't you go there and try a different approach.

The guy had long hair and a beard, so he got himself a robe and waited in the park for her to come by.

Sure enough, around 7.30, the nun appeared on her way to the convent. Leaping out of the bushes, the guy shouted, "Hey nun, I'm Jesus, come to fuck you up the arse!"

"No worries, Jesus," said the nun and she bent over and hoisted up her habit.

After the guy had done the deed, remorse set in and he said rather sheepishly, "I'm not really Jesus."

"That's okay," came the reply. "I'm not really the nun. I'm the bus driver."

=======

A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves an aspirin down his wife's throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and yells, "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Just giving you an aspirin for your headache." The bloke answered.

"But I ain't got a headache," she yelled back.

"Good then, Lets fuck!" said the bloke.

=========

Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache.

"I've got a beaut cure for a headache," said his mate Trev. "Whenever I have a headache
I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails."

A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my headache cure," asked Trev. "Yeah said Phil, worked great! Your house is nice, too!"

Tequilas

A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas.
The bartender asked, "what's wrong," and the guy says that he just found out that his younger son is gay.

The bartender says, "he's sorry about it."
After a couple of days the guy comes back and orders 15 tequilas. The bartender asked, "What's wrong now," to which the guy responds That he found out that his older son was gay, too.
The bartender says that he's sorry. The guy returned a few days later and ordered 20 tequilas.
The bartender burst out, "Isn't anyone in your family getting' any pussy?!" The guy gets really pissed and says, "Yeah, my wife!!!!!"


A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range.

The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.

The golf pro says not bad.

Golf pro: "Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts".

The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards.

The golf pro says "Excellent!" Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards.

Golf pro: "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.

Golf pro: "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."

Woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband,
"Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!"
"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
"Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by noon!"

 

[melody]

Dingaling

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted
speed limit.

He asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just
give the fellow a break and write him out a warning
instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for
the last name. The man tells him that he used to have
a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he
has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."

"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last
name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I
stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades.
When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a
doctor.

I went through college, medical school, internship,
residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred
Dingaling, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream!
Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then
I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling
around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I
was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took
away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my
DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving
me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so
now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

eeeee

Did you hear about young Henry Lockett,
Who went for a ride in a rocket?
The force of the blast
Blew his balls up his ass,
And his pecker was found in his pocket.

eeeee

The young hooker reports for her first day at the brothel. The
madam says to her, " Do you have any questions?"

The hooker replies, " Yes, I was wondering how long penises should
be sucked?"

The madam says," The same as the short ones".

eeeee

Doug went to a psychiatrist and said, "Doc, I'm really worried about
my wife. Yesterday she posed for a nude picture."

The psychiatrist said, "Well I wouldn't worry about that. It's
probably just an expression of her interest in art. What was the
nude picture for?"

Doug said, "Her driver's license."

 

[melody]

Head Job

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in
and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms
or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son anyway and raises him as well as he
can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of
him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With
all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender
shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons
chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Swoooop! Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son
to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he
reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....
then to the right.... right through the front door, into the
street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says,
"That boy should have quit while he was a head."


Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."

 

[melody]

Bob And His Boat

Bill walks into a bar and sees Bob sitting at the end of the bar counter
with a great big smile on his face.
Bill says "Bob, what are you so
happy for?"
"Well Bill, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my
boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to
here, Bill, tits out to here!

She says 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out,
Bill. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She
couldn't swim, Bill, she couldn't swim!!"

The next day Bill walks into
the bar and sees Bob sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger
smile on his face.
Bill says "What are you so happy about today Bob?"
"Well Bill... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,
just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to
here, Bill, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bill, way
out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its
either screw or swim!'
She couldn't swim!!, Bill, she couldn't swim!!!!"

A couple days pass and Bill walks into the bar and sees Bob down there
cryin over a beer.
Bill says "Bob, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Bill,
I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my
boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...tits WAY out to
here, Bill, tits WAY out to here.
She says 'Can I have a ride in your
boat?' 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,
Bill, way WAY out... much further than the last two.
I turned off the
key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. She
pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Bill !!! She had a great BIG
dick!!!
And Bill, I CAN'T SWIM,... I CAN'T SWIM !!!"
---------
Two young girls were talking about their sex lives when the first young girl says, "Oh my God!, It was really great, but I was Sooooo scared after his condom broke. I didn't get a good night's sleep in a week!"
"What happened?" said her friend.
I didn't know what I was going to do, but I finally was able to get a little piece of it out with dental floss!"

 

[melody]

Little Old lady Goes To Court

Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own
words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing
on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man
comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since
my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts..

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and
excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy
that I just spread my old legs and said to him......
"Take me.... young man... Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled,
"April Fool!!"... And that's when I shot the son
of a bitch!


Little Johnny was a triplet and on the first day of school the teacher asked
them their names. The first one said "my name is Johnny, mam." The
second one said "my name is Tommy, mam." Then the third one spoke in a deep
gruff voice and said "my name's Sam."

The teacher was quite surprised and she asked why his brothers were so
nice and polite and he was so rough and tough.

Sam replied... "my old lady only had two tits and I had to suck on the
old man."

The Restroom

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.

When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you the owner?"
she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands. Actually,"No" he replies.
"I'm just the manager."
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him."
She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the manager clearly aroused,"he's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."


Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary
Muscular Contractions"
to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting
subject, the Professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and
said, "Do you know what
your asshole is doing while you're having an
orgasm?"

She replied, "Fishing with his buddies."


Aunt Rose was in the garden tending to her flowers when she
got about to pee. So she did and wiped off the dew on a rose.
Uncle Fred came along later, picked up the rose, sniffed it, then
ran to phone the newspaper editor.
"I found a rose that smells like a woman's you-know-what!"
The editor said, "That's nothing. When you find a you-know-what
that smells like a rose, call me again."

 

[melody]

Sleep Walking

This man walks in to a psychiatrist's office and lies down on the couch.
The shrink says, "What makes you think you need the services of a
psychiatrist? "
The man replies that he wakes up every night in the kitchen after some
pretty crazy sleepwalking.

The shrink says, "So, would you like me to try to cure you of
sleepwalking? "

The man explains that the sleepwalking isn't really the problem. Every
time he wakes up he is in the same place, doing the same thing - he has
his pajamas around his ankles and his dick in a jar of peanuts.

The psychiatrist says, "I think I know what your problem is. You're
fucking nuts."

11111

A traffic policeman pulled a car over on a lonely road and approached the blonde woman driver.
"Miss," said the copper, "why are you weaving all over the road?"
"Oh officer," screamed the blonde, "Thank goodness you are here. I almost had a terrible accident! swerving to avoid a tree, I looked up to find another tree in front of me, so I pulled the car to the right and, yet again, there was another tree in front of me!"
The policeman nodded and pointed at the blonde's rear view mirror.
"Miss," said the cop, "That's your fucking air freshener!"

11111

There was an old man of the port,
Whose prick was remarkably short,
When he got into bed,
The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick, it's a wart!"

 

[melody]

Two Blondes

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the
perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and
smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?"

Kathy takes a sniff and replies, "That is nice. What's it called?"

"Viens a moi," replies Nancy.

Dear Santa (From Barbie)

Dear Santa:

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing
at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in
frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and
I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm
gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna
be around to smell it).

So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm
sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits
gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro
crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear
to my skin? (It looks like cellulite);

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway?
If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)
anatomically correct;

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct;

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just
get it done;

6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about
a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec or even a
hooker....for goodness sake!

8. A new, more '2008 persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with
a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and
a bag of chips;
"Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake
fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable
Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum;

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl;

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 42 years--I think I deserve it; Ok,
Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't
think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find
yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Up yours truly,
Barbie

Ken's Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes
in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In
addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about
me, my ability to please, and my some of my fashion choices.
I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues
concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT
deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with
Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette,
evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to changes our hair style. I
personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great
length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in career. Have you ever considered "Decorator
Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of work Actor Ken" ? In addition, there
are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S & M Ken"
"Green Lantern Ken" "Chippendale Ken" ... "Master Ken" These would
more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.

And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need
bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would
also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue
before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the
blonde bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others.
And Barbie can forget about having G.I.Joe - he's mine.

Real sincerely,
Ken

"Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?"

At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies,
means
'come to me' in French."

Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and
remarks,
"That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"
=========
Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is. "The blind man" a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits ! Where do you want me to install these blinds ?"
=========
A young married couple go to a sex therapist, and the bride
promptly complains, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation!"
"Is this true?" the therapist calmly asks.
"Well, not exactly. I don't suffer. She does."

 

[melody]

An Italian Merry Christmas

I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a
date to my parents' house on Christmas Eve.
I thought it would be interesting for a non-Italian
girl to see how an Italian family spends the
holidays. I thought my mother and my date would
hit it off like partridges and pear trees.

So, I was wrong. Sue me.

I had only known Karen for three weeks when I
extended the invitation. I know these family
things can be a little weird," I told her, "but my
folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun on

Christmas Eve." "Sounds fine to me," Karen said.
I had only known my mother for 31 years when I
told her I'd be bringing Karen with me.

"She's a very nice girl and she's really looking
forward to meeting all of you."

"Sounds fine to me," my mother said.
And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two
"sounds-fine-to-me". What more could I want?
Christmas was set!

I should point out, I suppose, that in Italian
households, Christmas Eve is the social event of
the season - an Italian woman's raison d'etre.
She cleans. She cooks. She bakes. She orchestrates
every minute of the entire evening. Christmas Eve
is what Italian women live for.

I should also point out, I suppose, that when it
comes to the kind of women that make Italian men
go nuts, Karen is it. She doesn't clean. She doesn't
cook. She doesn't bake. And she has the largest
breasts I have ever seen on a human being.
I brought her anyway.

7p.m. - we arrive .
Karen and I walk in and putter around for half
an hour waiting for the other guests to show up.
During that half hour, my mother grills Karen
like a cheeseburger and cannily determines that
Karen does not clean, cook, or bake.

My father is equally observant. He pulls me
into the living room and notes, "She has the largest
breasts I have ever seen on a human being!"

7:30p.m. - Others arrive.
Uncle Antonio walks in with my Aunt Mafalde,
assorted kids, assorted gifts.! We sit around the
dining room table for antipasto, a symmetrically
composed platter of lettuce, roasted peppers, black
olives, salami, prosciutto, provolone, and anchovies.

When I offer to make Karen's plate she says, "Thank you.
But none of those things, okay?" She points to the anchovies.

"You don't like anchovies?" I ask.

"I don't like fish," Karen announces to one and all
as 67 other varieties of foods-that-swim are
baking, broiling and simmering in the next room.
My mother makes the sign of the cross. Things
are getting uncomfortable.

Aunt Sophia asks Karen what her family eats on
Christmas Eve. Karen says, "Knockwurst."

My father, who is still staring in a daze,
at Karen's chest, temporarily snaps out of it to
murmur, Knockers?" My mother kicks him so hard he
gets a blood clot. None of this is
turning out the way I'd hoped.

8:00p.m. - Second course.
The spaghetti and crab sauce is on the way to the
table. Karen declines the crab sauce and says she'll
make her own with butter and ketchup. My mother asks
me to join her in the kitchen. I take my
"Merry Christmas" napkin from my lap, place it on the
"Merry Christmas" tablecloth and walk into the kitchen.

"I don't want to start any trouble," my mother says
calmly, clutching a bottle of ketchup in her hands,
"But if she pours this on my pasta, I'm going to
throw acid in her face."

"Come on," I tell her. "It's Christmas. Let her eat what she wants."

My mother considers the situation,
then nods. As I turn to walk back into the dining
room, she grabs my shoulder. "Tell me the truth,"
she says,"are you serious with this tramp?"

"She's not a tramp," I reply. "And I've only known her for three weeks."

"Well, it's your life", she tells me, "but if you marry her, she'll poison you."

8:30p.m. - More fish.
My stomach is knotted like one of those macramé
plant hangers that are always three times larger
than the plants they hold.

All the women get up to clear away the spaghetti
dishes, except for Karen, who, instead, lights a cigarette.

"Why don't you give them a little hand?" I politely suggest.

Karen makes a face and walks into the kitchen carrying three forks.

"Dear, you don't have to do that," my mother tells her, smiling painfully.

"Oh, okay," Karen says, putting the forks on the sink.

As she reenters the dining room, a wine glass flies
over her head, and smashes against the wall. From
the kitchen, my mother says, "Whoops."

I vaguely remember that line from Torch Song Trilogy. "Whoops?"
No. "Whoops is when you fall down an elevator shaft."

More fish comes out. After some goading, Karen
tries a piece of scungilli, which she describes as "slimy, like worms."

My mother winces, bites her hand and pounds her chest like one of those old women you
always see in the sixth row of a funeral home.
Aunt Sophia does the same. Karen, believing that this is
something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve,
bites her hand and pounds her chest also.

My Uncle Antonio doesn't know what to make of it. My father's
dentures fall out and he almost chews a six-inch gash in the
tablecloth with his fingernails.

10:00p.m. - Coffee, dessert.
Espresso all around. A little anisette. A curl of
lemon peel. When Karen asks for milk, my mother
finally slaps her in the face with a cannoli.
I guess it had to happen sooner or later.

Karen, believing that this is something that all
Italian women do on Christmas Eve, picks up a
cannoli and slaps my mother with it.

"This is fun," Karen says. Fun?
No. Fun is when you fall down an elevator shaft.

But, amazingly, everyone is laughing
and smiling and filled with good cheer - even my
mother, who grabs me by the shoulder, laughs and says,
"Get this bitch out of my house."

Sounds fine to me.
THE END

(If you aren't in stitches by now, you don't
know Italians!)

Season's Greetings Jokes

Money's Short, Times are Hard
Here's your Fucking Christmas Card

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
everyone felt shitty, even the mouse

Mom at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass

When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my place to see what's the matter

Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment the old fucker fell

He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick for my brother the queer

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch blew the chimney apart

He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
Piss on you all and have a good night

- Have a nice Christmas, asshole


1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
2. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
3. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
4. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
5. I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!
6. Some of my best toys run on batteries.
7. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)
8. I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
9. Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!
10. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

---------- Post added at 05:21 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 11:59 AM ----------

X-rated Christmas Carols

*I'm Dreaming of a Great Blow Job

*Little Hummer Boy

*A Lay In A Manger

*Let Her Blow, Let Her Blow, Let Her Blow

*The First Time With Noelle

*Oh, Cum All Ye Faithful

*I Came Upon A Midnight Queer

*Jingle Bell Fuck

*Here Cums Santa Claus

*Frostie The Frigid Bitch I Married

*I'm Creaming On A White Christmas

*That Lying, Cheating Bastard's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire

*You Boff The Red-nosed Vain Queer

*Oh, Hole-y Night

*Santa Claus Is Cumming, You Clown

*Frosty the Blow Man

*Jiggle My Balls

*I Don't Fear You Have Aids

*The Twelve Steps to a Sober Christmas

*Oh, Watch Me Pee

*I Came All Over Her Rounded Buttocks

*I Saw Mommy Giving Santa Head

*Santa's Cock Is 12 Inches Long

*Jingle Bell Rock, Suck My Cock

*Do You See My Pee-Pee?

*We Three Queens and a Vaseline Jar

*Deck My Balls with Clamps and Leather

*Bark! The Hairy Anal Thing

*I Came Upon a Midget's Rear

*Pumpin' Away in a Manger

*Santa Claus is Coming All Over Town

*Deck My Balls with Brows of Holly

*O Cum, Gobby Facefuls

*I Came Upon Your Midriff, Dear

*Dick the Ho's with KY jelly

========

Woman: My ex was such a Scrooge at Christmas.
Friend: Some men are like that.
Woman: Yeah? The closest he ever got to giving me a gift was the time he put a bow on the head of his dick and said,
"Hey, Cunt! C'mere and suck this package!

Christmas Q&A Jokes

Q. What did Santa say to the three blondes?
A. Ho! Ho! Ho!

Q. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A. You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

Q. What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
A. They go into town and blow a few bucks.

Q. What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A. Snowballs.

Q. Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?
A. Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

Q. Why is Santa Claus always so jolly?
A. Because he knows where all the naughty girls live!

Q. What do you call a truck load of vibrators heading South from the North Pole on Christmas Eve?
A. Toys for twats!

Q. Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
A. Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

Q. Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
A. Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

Q. How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
A. They both have ornamental balls.

Q. Why do people make snow men instead of snow women?
A. Because it takes too long to hollow out the head!


This woman walks into a tattoo shop and asks for a tattoo of a Christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh.

The tattoo artist says "That's an unusual request. Why do you want two tattoos there?"

She replies "Because my husband needs to eat between Christmas and New Years."

 

[melody]

Santa's Response To Little Johnny's After Christmas Letter

Dear Johnny,

I know WHO you are,
and I KNOW where you live.
You little shit!
You can't talk to SANTA
like that and get away with it!

If you don't like the yo-yo, which is a classic toy,
by the way, then you can just
cram it up your little *$$!
As for the whistle you didn't care for --
I gotcha whistle right here!!!
Come blow on this!
And the socks...well, I figured
you are big enough to
be whacking off, and those sox
would have come in handy and been
handy to ... well, even you should get the picture!

And... that little "faggot" across the street,
you'll be happy to know that he's already
got pubic hair and his wang is
TWICE as long as yours.
Besides, his parents think YOU're the fag --
always moanin' and whinin'.

Don't worry about gathering up rocks
for my visit to your house next year,
'cause I ain't coming down
your chimney ever again.
If you find any pennies this year,
you had better stop and pick
them up, 'cause that's about all
you're going to get for Christmas.
Your mom and dad are going
to be killed in a car crash,
and you'll be stuck in an
orphanage before Thanksgiving.

Bad? You want BAD? I'll show you who's bad!

Affectionally, Adieu,
Santa

Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid..


10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, Dream on,
Bucko!

9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes.

8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and
handling.

7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing.

6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his
bed.

5. Instead of Naughty or Nice, Santa has him on the dork list.

4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee.

3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, Touch my beard and I'll
put the hurt on you.

2. Labels on all your kid's toys read Straight from Craptown.

1. Four words: Off my lap, Tubby!

Dear Santa - LITTLE JOHNNY

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of
December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things
that have occurred since the beginning of the month when, filled
with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an
electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football
uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only
was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the
whole school!

I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire
neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my
brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on
errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was
virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a f**king yo-yo, a stupid
whistle and a pair of socks! What the f**k were you thinking,
you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the
whole f**king year to come out with some shit like this under the
tree. As if you hadn't f**ked me enough,you gave that little
faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into
his house.

Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my
chimney next year. I'll f**k you up! I'll throw rocks at those
stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to WALK back
to the f**king North Pole, just like what I have to do now since
you didn't get me that f**king bike.

F**K YOU SANTA! Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you
FAT SOB.

Sincerely,
Little Johnny

 

[melody]

A Redneck "Night Before Christmas"

'Twas the night before Christmas in my redneck house;
Junior was wringing the neck of a mouse.
My .357 sat right on my lap
Just waiting for Santa, to take all his crap.

The young'uns were restless and watching in shifts
To see if he'd come and I'd shanghai some gifts,
When out from the yard came a godawful noise
O could it be him with a shitload of toys?

I jumped from my chair and my crotch screamed in pain
I caught my left nut on my wallet's big chain
But then I unwrapped it and flew out the door
Yelling, "Hold it right there, you old son of a whore!"

"Hands in the air and kick over that sack,
And then real slowly move 20 feet back."
He did as I told him, fat, stupid old elf;
I laughed so damn hard I near pissed on myself.

I grabbed his big bag with a hearty guffaw
Then I dragged it inside after spitting some chaw.
I heard him take off - in a second he split,
Leaving my yard heaped with fresh reindeer shit.

Back in my chair I let out such a yelp
That the wife and the kids came to offer their help,
Their eyes filled with wonder - I started to drag
A whole shitload of presents from Santa's big bag.

A big can of crawdads for when I go fishin'
A whopping belt buckle - a brand new transmission,
A carton of Redman, some boots and a knife,
A nice leather strap just for beating the wife.

A matched set of hubcaps, some new fuzzy dice,
A country 8-track and a Hustler, how nice!
An inflatable dollie for when the old hag
Starts her bitching and moaning and goes on the rag.

When out of the bag I had pulled every bit
I said "Looks like you kids won't be getting no shit."
Here was my chance to try out my new strap
When they started their bawling and screaming and crap.

I chased them upstairs and I popped me a brew,
I sat back in my chair, filled my mouth up with chew,
With my heart full of gladness, my soul full of cheer,
I yelled up, "Maybe you'll get some presents next year!"

Another Version

A Redneck "Night Before Christmas"

'Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back.
The skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.

When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission.

The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'.
Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'.

When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick
I said "Shoot Fire!" That must be St. Nick!

More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name.

Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!

From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!

I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog.

He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam.

His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.

The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.

He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.

He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price.

He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.
Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.

When the presents were gone and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.

He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
"Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"
And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL!"

YEE HAWWWW!

Christmas Ball Warmers

Three blondes are sitting in a café, talking about what to get their
boyfriends for Christmas.

"It's funny," said Samantha. "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when
I'm sucking his cock! I think I should get him some ball warmers for
Christmas."

"You know what?" replied Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard!"

They turn to the third blonde, Candi, and asked, "When you blow Chris,
are his balls cold, too?"

"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!"
exclaimed Candi.

"You're crazy," Samantha piped up. "A good blowjob is the best way to
keep a guy! You should try it! It would make a great Christmas gift for
Chris!"

Candi says she'll think about it. The next time they meet at the café it
is Boxing Day and Candi is sporting a wicked shiner.

"Whoa!" the Jenny asked. "How did you get that black eye?!"

"Chris hit me when I was blowing him," Candi said.

"What on earth for?!" the Jenny asked.

"I don't know," Candi replied. "I was giving him his Christmas present
like you two suggested. I mentioned how strange it was that his balls
were so warm, when Pete and Richard's were so cold, and he punched me!"

Santa’s Pickup Lines

*^* Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
*^* Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
*^* I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
*^* Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
*^* I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small
talk, sister!
*^* Some of my best toys run on batteries.
*^* Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs.
calls it)
*^* I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear,
do you?
*^* Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!
*^* Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

 

[melody]

Parrot Sings Christmas Carols

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a
unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just
what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings
Christmas carols.



He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man
agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much
for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his
pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter
and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts
singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and
watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right
foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."

The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband
rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful
gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's
special talent.

Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the
bird sings "Silent Night."

He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a
round of "Jingle Bells."

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her
husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.
Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and
the bird begins to sing - Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

Schizophrenia ---
Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder ---
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Amnesia ---
I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic ---
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic ---
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants and

Paranoid ---
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder ---
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder ---
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
Maybe I'll tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Agoraphobia ---
I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

Autistic ---
Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock ...

Senile Dementia ---
Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House In My
Slippers and Robe

Oppositional Defiant Disorder ---
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

Social Anxiety Disorder ---
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
The Twelve Days of Christmas:

DAY 1

Dearest Mike:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge
in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I know we only
met 4 months ago but I couldn't be happier with anyone else.
Thank you again for the wonderful gift.
With all my love and devotion,
Cindy

DAY 2

Dearest Mike:
Today the postman brought you're very sweet gift. Just imagine.
Two turtle doves! I'm just delighted at how sweet you are. I love you so much. The doves are so adorable. Thank you. Can't wait until I see you.
All my love,
Cindy

DAY 3

Dearest Darling Mike:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest.
I don't deserve such generosity, Three French hens. They are just great but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Cindy

DAY 4

Dear Mike:
You are so romantic! 4 calling birds. Now really,
they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? I love everything but I'm running out of room for all these birds.
Love,
Cindy

DAY 5

Dearest Mike:
Oh my God! The postman delivered 5 gold rings today.
One for
every finger. I love the rings. Thank you darling. I hope I don't hurt your feelings but all these birds and their squawking is beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Cindy

DAY 6

Dear Mike:
When I opened the door there were actually 6
geese-a-laying
on my front steps. So you're back to the birds
again, huh? Those
geese are huge. Where will I keep them? I told you before the
other birds were starting to get to me. I'm not
getting any sleep
because of all the racket and my neighbors are
complaining.
Please Mike, no more birds.
Cordially,
Cindy

DAY 7

Mike:
What's with you and these fucking birds? 7
swans-a-swimming?
Is this a joke? There's bird shit ALL over the
house, and they
never stop with the racket. I asked you no more birds please!!
I can't sleep and I'm a nervous wreck. This isn't
fun any more!!
So stop with the fucking birds!
Thank you.
From,
Cindy

DAY 8

Okay Buster:
The birds were bad, but what in the hell am I going to do with
8 maids-a-milking? They even have their own cows.
There is shit all over the lawn, I can't move in my own home. This is it.
It's over between us. I'm sorry Mike. Please lay off
me and
leave me alone. Cindy

DAY 9

Hey! Shithead,
Are you fucking stupid? 9 pipers playing their bells
from hell!
They haven't stopped chasing the maids since they got here. The
cows are upset and are stepping on the screeching birds. My
neighbors have started a petition to evict me. God
Dammit Mike!
Stop it! WE ARE OVER, REMEMBER? I'm getting pissed. You'll get yours! Cindy

DAY 10

You rotten prick,
Now there's 10 fucking ladies dancing. I don't know
why I call
the sluts ladies, they've been fucking the pipers
all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and they have diarrhea. My
living
room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of
Buildings has
subpoenaed me to show cause why this house shouldn't be
condemned. You must have DUMB FUCK across your
forehead. I'm calling the fucking cops on you!
ONE MAD AS HELL BITCH

DAY 11

Listen fuck-for-brains,
What's with the 11 lords-a-leaping on the maids and ladies.
Some of those broads will never walk again. The pipers are
now committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 of the
birds are
dead, they were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you are
fucking happy you rotten, vicious piece of shit!
Cindy

Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Cajole
555 NW 1st Avenue
Miami, FL 33138

Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12
fiddlers fiddling
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client,
Ms. Cindy Clark.
The destruction, of course, was total. All
correspondence
should come to our attention. If you should ATTEMPT to reach Miss Smith at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the
attendants have instructions to SHOOT you on sight.
With this letter, please find attached a warrant for
your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender and Cajole
A Division of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe

 

[melody]

Parrot Sings Christmas Carols

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a
unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just
what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings
Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man
agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much
for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his
pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter
and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts
singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and
watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right
foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."

The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband
rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful
gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's
special talent.

Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the
bird sings "Silent Night."

He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a
round of "Jingle Bells."

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her
husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.
Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and
the bird begins to sing - Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!


Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

Schizophrenia ---
Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder ---
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Amnesia ---
I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic ---
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic ---
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants and

Paranoid ---
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder ---
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder ---
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
Maybe I'll tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Agoraphobia ---
I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

Autistic ---
Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock ...

Senile Dementia ---
Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House In My
Slippers and Robe

Oppositional Defiant Disorder ---
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

Social Anxiety Disorder ---
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

 

[melody]

Letters To Santa

Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy
all yeer.
Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a fricken book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
***

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask
for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
***

Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like
for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door
in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
***

Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis"nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
***

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my
face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a
bottle of scotch.
Santa
***

Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas,
where spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses
while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
***

Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when
we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you
do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
***

Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

***

Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into
our home?
Love, Marky

Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting
your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live
in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams, Santa

 

[melody]

Santa's Problems

I have been watching you very closely to see if you
have been good this year and since you have I will be
telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave
under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you
all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a
little problem.

The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD
from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords
leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the
9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird
things to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese
a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle
doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to
my sled runners in bird shit.

On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through
menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves
have joined the gay liberation and some people who
can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the
5th of January.

Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together
and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest
you get your asses down to Walmart
before everything is gone.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus