Letter Of Apology
A Letter of Apology From The Chap Who Was Fired After
The Christmas Party....
When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a
sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since
several of you have called me a "dirty son of a bitch"
to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at
the office Christmas Party. The Office Manager called
me from the hospital today and as this is my last day,
I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you.
I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but
all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to
talk to you.
First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for
all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm very
much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your
mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman,
and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana
was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children
are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler
incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it,
and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were
trying to get the glass jug off.
To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own
defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy
our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did
until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to
the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you
incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you
will admit that when we landed it was one of the
biggest thrills you have ever had.
Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for
that little prank I played on you. If I had known you
were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have
been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing
right under the window you jumped through. She really
broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling
three stories.
Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who
turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no
way of knowing they would make such a bad report of
it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don't
they? And the water is cold!!
Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the
door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled
you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you
bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to
pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to
get together for dinner some night after the dentist
finishes your plates.
Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all
your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed
out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I
want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't
remember where I hid them and you had to go home in
that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag
pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a
little drunk.
To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on
fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to
hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.
Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and
not telling them about it until all the drinks were
gone was even worse. Now that I have apologized to
all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my
darndest to come to the picnic......
Cannibals, Monkey Smells, Switching Heads
Cannibals
Two cannibals, wandering around in the desert for days without food, hungry and desolate, all of a sudden, to their delight, they stumble upon a dead human carcass, pristine from any scavenger, so the two cannibals sink their teeth into the dead human flesh, tearing it apart, one starting from the head and one from the toes.
After a few minutes of eating, the guy at the head yells to the cannibal at the bottom, "hey, how is it going down there?"
The cannibal at the bottom says "this is great, I'm having a ball.
The guy at the top says slow down and enjoy it, you're eating too damn fast."
Monkey Smells
A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp.
"I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so he's going to live with us just like one of the family.
He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife."
"But what about the smell?" the friend asked.
"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."
Switching Heads
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the funeral, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the funeral director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads"
A Letter of Apology From The Chap Who Was Fired After
The Christmas Party....
When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a
sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since
several of you have called me a "dirty son of a bitch"
to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at
the office Christmas Party. The Office Manager called
me from the hospital today and as this is my last day,
I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you.
I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but
all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to
talk to you.
First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for
all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm very
much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your
mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman,
and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana
was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children
are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler
incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it,
and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were
trying to get the glass jug off.
To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own
defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy
our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did
until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to
the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you
incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you
will admit that when we landed it was one of the
biggest thrills you have ever had.
Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for
that little prank I played on you. If I had known you
were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have
been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing
right under the window you jumped through. She really
broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling
three stories.
Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who
turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no
way of knowing they would make such a bad report of
it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don't
they? And the water is cold!!
Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the
door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled
you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you
bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to
pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to
get together for dinner some night after the dentist
finishes your plates.
Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all
your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed
out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I
want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't
remember where I hid them and you had to go home in
that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag
pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a
little drunk.
To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on
fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to
hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.
Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and
not telling them about it until all the drinks were
gone was even worse. Now that I have apologized to
all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my
darndest to come to the picnic......
Cannibals, Monkey Smells, Switching Heads
Cannibals
Two cannibals, wandering around in the desert for days without food, hungry and desolate, all of a sudden, to their delight, they stumble upon a dead human carcass, pristine from any scavenger, so the two cannibals sink their teeth into the dead human flesh, tearing it apart, one starting from the head and one from the toes.
After a few minutes of eating, the guy at the head yells to the cannibal at the bottom, "hey, how is it going down there?"
The cannibal at the bottom says "this is great, I'm having a ball.
The guy at the top says slow down and enjoy it, you're eating too damn fast."
Monkey Smells
A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp.
"I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so he's going to live with us just like one of the family.
He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife."
"But what about the smell?" the friend asked.
"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."
Switching Heads
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the funeral, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the funeral director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads"
