JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

The Test

An old sea captain, and a little guy who played the fiddle, were arguing
about women. The old sea captain tells the little fiddle player that
women can't be trusted, and they will not be faithful under any
circumstances.

The little fiddle player said well he bet his wife would not do anything
like that.
So, the old sea captain said he would bet his ship and cargo against the
fiddle player's violin that she would be unfaithful. The fiddle player
took the bet, and invited the sea captain over to his house, and sent
the two of them into the bedroom while he waited outside the door.

A half hour went by and he heard nothing from his wife, so he started
singing to the tune of Auld Lang Syne:

Be true, my love, be true my love,
It's only for an hour.
Don't screw, my love, don't screw, my love,
And the ship and cargo's ours.

She sang back to him:

Too late, my love, too late, my love,
He's got me round the middle,
He's screwed me once, he'll do it twice,
And you've lost your damned old fiddle!!!

====
A couple were going at it in a barn down on the farm.
In the process, the condom slipped off.
The guy pokes around inside her with a couple straws and manages to
lose them too.
Nine months later the doctor enters the waiting room where the father
asks him what the baby is.
Doctor replies "It's a little bastard dressed in a raincoat and a straw
hat."
====
Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: One set to bitch at you with, and the other to apologize with.
Alternate answer: So they can piss and moan at the same time.

Q. Did you hear about the gay guy that's on the patch?
A. He's down to four butts a day.

Q. What do you call a hillbilly who owns sheep and goats.
A. Bisexual.

Q. What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
A. One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running cunt
Q. What do women and police cars have in common?
A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

 

[melody]

"What's What"

One day, little Tommy, bored out of his mind, went to his father for
suggestions on what to do to pass the time. "I`ll tell you what,"
said the father, "take this dollar and run into town and get me a
dollars worth of what`s what."

Tommy grabbed the dollar, hopped on his bike and rode into town.
Once there, he had to decide what store would have the what`s what.
He stopped in front of the pharmacy and went in. He went to the
pharmacist`s desk, held up the dollar and said, "I`d like a dollar`s
worth of what`s what, please."

The pharmacist knew immediately that the boy was on a wild goose
chase and said, "If you go across the street, to the house with the
red light on the front porch, they can get you some what`s what."

Tommy ran across the street and knocked on the front door. A tall,
stunning blonde, completely naked, opened the door. Her "bush" was
right in little Tommy`s face. Pointing to it he said, "what`s
that?"
"What`s what?" the prostitute replied. Tommy then replied, "Good,
I`ll take a dollar`s worth."

88888

Did you hear condoms are now being sold with a free calling card? ~
The attached instructions say, "If you can't come, call."

What's the best way to get into a sleeping bag?
~ Wake her up first!

Did you hear about the house that was built by lesbians?
~ There were no studs it was all tongue in groove.

What's the definition of "Tender Love?"
~ Two gays with hemorrhoids.

Why is death a lot like sex?
~ It feels funny for a second, but then it's over.

Why do women like wearing black panties?
~ It's a way for them to say, "In memory of those
who were buried here."

What is a Peter Pan?
~ A wash basin in a whorehouse.

What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
~ You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.

Civil War Between Husband And Wife

WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart and I got a heart attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know just what you are
Mental hospital is not so far

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful,
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like you should be kept in a zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in a cage but outside, laughing at you.

---------
One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his
parents room to check it out. He opened the door to see
his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind
her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink
as Johnny closed the door. After business was
finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He
opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over
the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind
her. Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you
doing?!" Little Johnny replied, "It's not so
funny when its YOUR mom, is it?!"

 

[[H] [K] [S]]

 

[melody]

CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN BECAUSE.......
(Long But Funny)

A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
A cucumber can always wait until you get home.
A cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your family.
A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.
A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll on deodorant, or hair spray.
A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
A cucumber never has to call "the wife".
A cucumber never snaps your bra, or pinches your butt.
A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.
A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.
A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
A cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey." and then come home with the smell of Channel No. 19 on him.
A cucumber will never leave you for another cucumber.
A cucumber will never leave you for another man.
A cucumber will never leave you for another woman.
A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator..
A cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?"
A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer.
A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon.
A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while you're asleep.
A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy.
A cucumber won't make you sleep on the wet spot.
A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over.
A cucumber won't need to be sucked off.
A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache.
A cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy."
A cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy blonde.
A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter.
A cucumber won't want to cum on your face.
Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
Cucumbers won't ask am I the best?
Cucumbers won't ask did you come? How many times?
Cucumbers won't ask how was it?
Cucumbers won't give you a hickey.
Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.
Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bad with your boots on.
Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for him.
Cucumbers won't write ! your name and number on the men's room wall.
No matter how you slice it, you can always have your cuke and eat it too.
No matter what age group you are in, you can always get a fresh cucumber.
The average cucumber is at least seven inches long.
With a cucumber you can get a single room and you won't have to check in as "Mrs." Cucumber.
With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry.
With cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
You always know where YOUR cucumber has been.
You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
You only eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
You won't find out later that your cucumber is married.
You won't find out later that your cucumber is on penicillin or have AIDS.
You won't find out later that your cucumber likes you, but loves your brother
You won't find out that a cucumber is married.
You won't find out that a cucumber is trying to screw your sister.
Your mother won't flip out finding a cucumber in your house.

 

[melody]

Grandpa's Wisdom

This touched me. This once again confirms that the most important
information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library
or the internet, but from a mentor and on a very personal level.
My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it
is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives.
The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could
spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted
because I was young when he died.

If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a
better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember
most, the jewel in the crown of grand fatherly advice, came when
he paused, looked me in the eye and said,
. . . "Son, Don't marry a woman with big hands.
It makes your pecker look smaller."


Q) What do you do when your Kotex catches on fire?
A) Throw it on the floor and tampon it.

Q) What's the difference between a blonde and a college freshman?
A) The blonde has a higher sperm count.

Q) What is the difference between a blonde and a bitch?
A) A blonde will fuck anyone; a bitch will fuck anyone but you.

Q. "Johnny, can you use "indefinitely" in a sentence?"
A. "Sure! When my balls are slapping up against her ass, I'm in . . . definitely!"



There once was a whore from Dundee,
Who charged an extremely low fee
"I'll give you a fuck
For just half a buck
And throw in my asshole for free.

There was a young fellow named Pell
Who didn't like cunt very well.
He would finger and fuck one,
But never would suck one---
He just couldn't get used to the smell.

There was a young girl from Seattle
Who got her kicks sucking off cattle,
'til a bull from the South
Popped a load in her mouth
That made both her ovaries rattle.

There was a young lady of Natchez
Who chanced to be born with two snatches
And she often said, "Shit!
Why, I'd give either tit
For a man with equipment that matches."

Happy Marriage's

Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table
unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,
fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and
don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any
comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or
not."

SHE'S GOOD!)
_____

Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
_____

Marriage (Part III)
Husband (he's a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated
husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
_____

Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in
spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts
at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right
back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

 

[melody]

PRODUCTS COMPETING WITH VIAGRA

*Vigor Mortis
*Chubmeisterin
*Nice-a-Boni
*Firmicox
*Upsydaisium
*Newman's Own Peter Pill
*Mydixapokin
*PeneTrex
*Erectomycin
*I Can't Believe It's Not Flaccid!
*St. John's Pork
*Fuchinacea
*Jimmy Dean's Sausage Helper
*Nuprick
*Dr. Wong's Essence of Small, Harmless, Endangered Animal TrimFast
*Bonertin Dr. Pecker Jizzquil
*Grogaine: Most users can expect to see some evidence of an erection
in 3-6 months.
______________________________

Said a dainty young whore named Miss Meggs,
The men like to spread my two legs,
Then slip in between,
If you know what I mean,
And leave me the white of their eggs.
_____________________________

In the shade of the old apple tree
I got all that was coming to me.
In the soft dewy grass
I had a fine piece of ass
From a maiden that was so fine to see.
_____________________________

In my sweet little Alice Blue gown
Was the first time I ever laid down,
I was both proud and shy
As he opened his fly
When I saw it I thought I would die.

Pregnancy Dictionary

Afterbirth:
When the hard part begins.

Cravings:
An excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy.

Dilation:
One of those things a pregnant woman has to take her doctor's
word for.

Elastiphobia:
Fear of making it into the Guinness Book of World Records for
"Most Stretch Marks."

First Trimester:
The first three months of pregnancy when you wonder, "Is it
too late to hire a surrogate mother?"

Maternity Clothes:
What a pregnant woman wears to show people there's a reason
she's fat.

Miracle:
1. The birth of a baby.
2. The fact that you lived to tell about it.

Obstetrician:
The doctor who tells you you're doing fine when you think
you're caught in the jaws of death.

Pregnant Pause:
The amount of time it takes for a nine-month pregnant woman
to get out of a chair.

Prenatal:
When your life was still your own.

Pushing:
The final effort to get a ten-pound baby through an opening
the size of a dime.

Second Trimester:
The time when you ask the question, "Will my husband notice if I
eat this gallon of ice cream and side of beef before he gets home?"

Third Trimester:
The final months of pregnancy when you wonder, "How much
longer can I keep from waddling?"

~~~~~~~~~~

Ching Chong Chinaman
went to milk a cow,
Ching Chong Chinaman
didn't know how,
Ching Chong Chinaman
pulled the wrong tit,
Ching Chong Chinaman
was covered in shit!

 

[melody]

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman ,"Can I smell your pussy?" "F*ck No, you can't smell my pussy!" the woman yells back at him. "Oh." he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then."

****

Q: Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?
A: Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
Q: Why did God give women multiple orgasms?
A: So they can fucking moan when they're happy, too.

Why did God give women nipples?
To make suckers out of men.

Q: Why are pubic hairs curly?
A: So you don't poke your eye out.

Q. Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A. Because she blows the horn!

What's the difference between a woman and a volcano?
A volcano never fakes an eruption.

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

Q) Why are clams like women?
A) Because when the red tide comes you don't eat them.

When is a pixie not a pixie?
When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

Q: When do you know a man is desperate ?
A: When he practices yoga just so he can give himself head.

Why are condoms transparent?
So the sperm can enjoy the scenery

Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.
********
"No bananas," she said, with a sigh,
And a tear trickled down from her eye.
"No cukes, no zucchinis,
No Oscar Meyer weenies,
I'll have to go find me a guy."

Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep,
And doesn't know where to find 'em...
But a search revealed,
They were out in the field,
With Little Boy Blue behind 'em.

---------- Post added at 06:18 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 12:18 PM ----------

How Vibrators are Better Than Men!

It's happy to keep going until we're satisfied.

Vibrators don't prematurely ejaculate

A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop "vibrating."

They don't get tired after the first time

You never have to lie to a vibrator by saying it was good or ... that
you had an orgasm.

Vibrators are never too busy watching the game on TV ... or Fishin'!

Vibrators never go limp and rubbery, you simply replace the batteries
when it tires.

Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!!

You can throw them in a drawer and only take them out when you want to!

Vibrators don't hog the remote ... Nor the computer!!

We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want
without being called a slut.

Position is your choice, not his.

You don't have to suck it.

It works "while" the sports games are on.

It always is hard.

It doesn't leave a mess behind.

You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.

It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.

It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.

You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.

You don't have to cook it breakfast and pretend to be interested in it
the next morning.

They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the
mood.

They never drink too much and embarrass you.

You don't have to tell the vibrator he's the best you ever had!

Safe sex without a rubber

Vibrators don't ask who your Daddy is

Vibrators do what you want them to do at ALL times!

Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime anywhere you want!!

They never ask how they were.

They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.

You don't have to stroke its ego.

They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another get-go.

It doesn't leave a wet spot.

You can carry it with you at all times, and not feel obligated to feed
it.

It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard

It has no problem finding the "g spot."

You know exactly where its been.

Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.

A couple batteries and you don't have to put up with the shit, just turn it off when you get done with it !

As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can keep going and going and going! (while you keep coming and coming!)

It doesn't have a mother!!

You don't have to dress up for your vibrator.

You can show it off to your friends.

They never come before you do.

 

[melody]

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, ! that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

 

[melody]

The Best Porn Movies Of 2011

Womb Raider

Shaving Ryan's Privates

Driving Into Miss Daisy

Batman in Robin

Star Whores

Forest Rump

Edward Penishands

Gangbangs of New York

On Golden Blonde

Saturday Night Beaver

Sick Degrees of Penetration

Legally Boned

Throbbin' Hood

When Harry Ate Sally

Romancing The Bone

White Men Can't Hump

Pulp Friction

Swollow Hal

Breast Side Story

Buttman and Throbbin'

Rambone

Sperms of Enderarment

School of Cock

The Sperminator

ddddd

A fellow on his wedding night in the hotel says to his new wife. "My
God! I never realized you had such huge droopy breasts." The wife
has a major dummy spit and throws him out of the room. While he is
sitting in the hall another fellow comes out down the hall. "What
happened?" asks the first man.

"Well" replies the other "I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and
all I said was "Hells bells! I didn't realize you had such a big
fat droopy arse..." Then she threw me out.

Just then a third fellow comes storming out into the hall with a
face like thunder. "Hey" says the second fellow, "did you put your
foot in it as well?"

"No" says the third fellow, "But, shit! I bloody well could have!"

ddddd

A priest, in complete violation of his celibacy wows, makes amorous
advances to a nun who, at first, rejects his proposals saying it's a
sin, but finally relents and the two end up in bed together.

After making love, the nun says, "Since you are a priest, I would like
you to hear my confession. I have sinned. Twice."

The priest says, "What do you mean, 'twice'? We only did it once."

The nun: "You're going to do it again, aren't you?"

 

[melody]

Indispensable Hand Job Techniques
( Part 1 )

One of the secrets of great manual sex is varying your hand motions.
Here are a few indispensable techniques:

SWITCH HITTER
Use both hands, alternating back and forth in a pattern you develop to
offer him the most arousal. He will notice the difference. Don't get
into a routine where the strokes are dull, and noncommittal. Give it to
him good. Get him to the point where he's singing out, "I second that
hand motion!"

DOUBLE WHAMMY
How about going double or nothing! Bring both well-lubricated hands down
on his shaft. Some cocks are so big they require both hands. If your
partner's doesn't, then use the other hand to caress and lightly flutter
his balls, or tighten around the base of his shaft. If both hands fit
along the length of the shaft, move then together, up and down, in the
typical pumping motion. Pretend you're holding a baseball bat and are
about to score a grand slam. You can also vary the directions of your
hands, one up, one down at the same time. There's no doubt that two
hands are better than one.

THE ANVIL STROKE
Bring one hand down, letting it stroke the penis from the top all the
way to the bottom. When it hits the bottom, release it. Meanwhile you're
bringing your corresponding hand down to the top of the shaft, creating
an alternating beating motion, hence the name "anvil stroke." Think of
those blacksmith duos who keep up a double beat pounding motion as they
beat that rod of iron on a piping-hot anvil.

THE SHUTTLE COCK
Not many people have heard of the "shuttle cock," but it's one of the
best. Take the penis in both hands, fingers lightly touching the sides
of the shaft. In order to visualize the position, think of yourself
holding a clarinet. Now flick the penis back and forth between your two
hands by holding on to the loose skin of the shaft. Shuttling it back
and forth in this manner may not seem incredibly thrilling to him at
first, but pretty soon, as it builds up momentum, it will drive him out
of his mind. Orgasms encountered via this method are sometimes messy,
but always memorable.

THE BOOKENDS
Place both of your hands side by side against his shaft like a pair of
bookends. Now push hard against his penis. Then lift your hands up and
down. Continue in this manner for a while. The constant tugging of the
skin around the balls and the mons pubis will do the trick.

THE FLAME
Place your hands down on either side, your fingers pointing away from
the cock. Pretend you're a campfire girl and start spinning his pecker
like a stick of wood. This way you'll keep the home fires burning for a
long time to come.

THE BASE CLUTCH
Tighten your thumb and forefinger around the base of the shaft, pressing
down on the balls. This will cut off the blood (acting as an impromptu
cock ring) and help you steady the shaft in your hand. If the skin on it
is slick and immutable, you can stroke the penis with more friction,
thereby enhancing the excruciating experience.

THE LOVE TUG
As you are stroking him, lightly pull on the wispy strands of pubic hair
sprouting from his testicles. Don't pull so hard that you remove them,
but tease them gently, lovingly. This will make him holler with delight
and awe at your inventiveness.

THE TWO-TIMER
Tickle his balls with one hand while the other jerks him up and down.

THE THIGH-SWATTER
Use the hand that is currently unemployed to firmly but lovingly pat his
inner thighs.

 

[melody]

"Do Something!"

John is in bed with a girl and no matter what he does, he just can't seem to
get an erection.

She says, "Come on, will you? Do SOMETHING !"

He says, "Like what?"

She says, "Put your foot in."

He sticks his foot in, and she has one hell of a good old time riding it.

A few days later, his foot is swelling up, has a runny, red rash, and it's
starting to itch. He goes to the doctor to have it looked at.

The doctor says calmly, "Well, my friend, it seems you have gonorrhea of the
big toe."

John says, "GONORRHEA OF THE BIG TOE? Shit, Doc, I bet that's pretty rare!"

The doctor says, "Yeah, it's pretty rare. Of course, it's not as rare as
the girl who was in here this morning with athlete's pussy.

@@@

When I was young and in my prime I used to jack off all the time now im
older with more sense I use a knot hole in the fence.

@@@

Squirrel Bait meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's
go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you
LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down
on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he
gets out his lighter.

He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so
curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She says, "Go ahead."

He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"

She says, "Of course."

He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire.

A Rare Disease

Old Mendel Rugelbaum was very old and suffering from a rare disease
and his doctor told him could drink only human milk.

"How can I get human milk?" Mendel asked the doctor.

"Well, Ruby Finkelstein's just had a baby, maybe she'll help."

So every day Mendel went to Ruby's house for his daily feed. Ruby
was a dark eyed, big breasted lady, who, in spite of herself,
gradually became aroused as Mendel lapped at her ripe breasts. One
day as he quietly lay sucking, she whispered to him, " Tell me Mr.
Rugelbaum, do
you like it?"

"Mmmm, wonderful," he sighed.

"Is there," she hesitated, her lips parted, eyes aglow, "is there
anything else you'd like?"

"As a matter of fact there is," murmured Mendel

"What?" Ruby asked breathlessly.

Mendel licked his lips. "Maybe a little cookie?"

11111

SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS:
HEARING AIDS, Band-Aids, ROLL AIDS,
WALKING AIDS, MEDICAL AIDS,
GOVERNMENT AID, AND MOST OF ALL ,
MONETARY AIDS TO THEIR CHILDREN.

11111

THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST

I CANNOT SEE, I CANNOT PEE,
I CANNOT CHEW, I CANNOT SCREW
MY MEMORY SHRINKS, MY HEARING STINKS,
NO SENSE OF SMELL, I LOOK LIKE HELL,
MY BODY'S DROOPING, GOT TROUBLE POOPING
SO THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST.
WELL, THE GOLDEN YEARS CAN KISS MY ASS!!!

 

[melody]

THE CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

NAME ____________________

GANG NAME _________________

TAG ____________________

HOOD ____________________


1). Little Johnny has an AK 47 with a 30 round clip. He usually
misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by
shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt
before he has to reload?

2). Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio
for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street
value of the rest of his hold?

3). Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks
per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4). Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to
make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?

5). Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette,
and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how
many more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?

6). Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If
his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left
when he gets out?

Extra credit bonus: How much more time will he get for killing the ho
that spent his money?

7). If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the
average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with
3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?

8). Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his
gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?

9). Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor
that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie
makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed
the boa on one week's income?

10). Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph,
Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his
magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?

@@@

One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak to the God
dammed head hog at the trough?"

The secretary thought she heard what he said, but asked, "I'm sorry,
who?"

The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the God dammed head hog at the
trough?"

She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as
'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him the way
you did!!"

To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the
building fund...."

The secretary quickly responded, "Hang on, I think that fucking big fat
pig just walked in!"

Indispensable Hand Job Techniques
( Part 2 )

BEST FIST FORWARD
Place your fist against his perineum as you're stroking him. He'll
probably start opening his legs a little wider, giving you more space to
press against. Guaranteed to drive him wild. As always, it is the
psychological impact of what you are doing that makes the sex so
satisfying. Let your mind escape into the uncharted wilderness of
fantasy. As a sexual pioneer, it is your manifest destiny to explore the
outer limits of your sensuality.

THE MILKER
Opposite of the Anvil - Hands alternate 'milking' up the penis, starting
at the base and working all the way up past the tip.

THE PERPETUAL PENETRATION
Like the Anvil, but rather than just grabbing the penis at the top, let
his penis 'penetrate' into your fist on each stroke. Before the head of
his penis pops out of your hand, bring the other hand up for the next
penetration. This way it seems to him like he is penetrating deeper and
deeper into an infinite vagina. Make sure you keep the penetration
continuous for best results. Try faster or slower to taste.

THE PALM SWIRL
Use your open palm to swirl around the head, the way your tongue would
lick an ice cream cone. This sensitizes the head, and will make it get
larger and turn (even more) red. Try reversing direction for a surprise.

TINY CIRCLES
As in "The Palm Swirl," use your open palm on his glans, but stop at
each "hour of the clock," and make circular motions with your open palm.
This will make this part of the head EXTREMELY sensitive, so move to the
next hour after a few circles.

THE RING
Make a ring with your thumb and forefinger, and pump up and down with
this ring. When you get to the top, close the ring, and then make him
squeeze his way in as you slide back down to the bottom.

THE DOOR KNOB
Turn the head of his penis like a you're trying to open a door knob
coated with grease. It won't turn, but he may flip. Now try turning the
other way. Repeat.

THE SHAFT
Stroke only his shaft, ignoring the head. You will notice it swelling
and turning red. When it's bright red and rock hard, use the Door Knob,
the Palm Swirl, or the Perpetual Penetration.

THE SPOT PINCH
Lightly and slowly run a finger up the under side of his cock. Ask him
to tell you where the most sensitive spot is. Pinch it, squeeze it,
nibble it, and tease it. This is a good spot to pinch to turn a soft
cock rock solid.

 

[melody]

The Redneck Farmer

The redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was
masturbating several times a day out in the barn. "Boy, you gotta
quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife." So the boy went out and
found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got married. But a
week or so after the wedding, the farmer found his son choking the
chicken again.
"You crazy boy!!" he yelled, "That Elli-Mae's a fine young gal!!" "I
know Paw," the boy replied, "but her arm gits tired sometimes!"

@@@@@@@

Creeping around to the bedroom window, the private detectives saw
their client's wife in bed with another man. "Just as I suspected,"
said the first. "Let's go in after him." "Great idea," the other
replied. "How soon do you think he'll be finished?"

@@@@@@@

A sweet, beautiful young would-be starlet comes to Hollywood to seek
her fortune. At her first power cocktail party she goes to the host
and asks him: "Who's the most powerful man in the room?"

"That would be Bob, over there by the caviar," he says.

The young woman walks over to Bob and says, "Excuse me, Bob, would
you mind stepping back behind this column? I'd like to talk to you."
Bob and the girl step behind the column and she says, "Bob... I'm
gonna unzip your fly, take out your cock, and give you the best
blowjob you ever had...!"

Bob smiles slightly and says, "Well, okay. But.............. what's
in it for me?"

@@@@@@@

Dear Santa,
Please send me a baby brother.
Love, Bobby.

Dear Bobby,
"Send me your mother..."
Love, Santa

The Power Of Shit
(Click On Jack Schitt At the End)

Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate
with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the
English language.

CONSIDER THIS:

You can be shitfaced,
be shit out of luck,
or have shit for brains.

With a little effort you can get your shit together,
find a place for your shit
or decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit,
buy shit,
sell shit,
lose shit,
find shit,
forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit and die.

You can shit or go blind,
have a shit fit
or just shit your life away.

People can be shit headed,
shit brained,
shit blinded,
and shit over.

Some people know their shit
while others can't tell the difference between shit and
shinola.

There are lucky shits,
dumb shits,
crazy shits,
and sweet shits.

There is bull shit,
horse shit
and chicken shit.

You can throw shit,
sling shit,
catch shit,
or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can take a shit,
give a shit,
or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit,
or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit,
some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit,
things can look like shit,
and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit,
not enough shit,
the right shit,
the wrong shit
or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit,
have a mountain of shit,
or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes you really need this shit
and sometimes you don't want any shit at all.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit
and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out
smelling like a rose.

Shit!

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic
building block of creation.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to
know anything else.

 

[melody]

Old One Liners

1. What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?
Answer: Hair balls.

2. How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
Answer: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive

3. What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
Answer: Come in five flavors

4. What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
Answer: Crust

5. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
Answer: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork

6. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
Answer: If your girlfriend chews before swallowing OMG! OMG! OMG !

7. What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy
together?
Answer: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection

8. How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
Answer: By sticking your finger in his honey

9. What is the ultimate rejection?
Answer: When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep

10. What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?
Answer: I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.

11. What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
Answer: Both can smell it but can't eat it

12. What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
Answer: A blow job with handle bars

13. What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
Answer: A mobile sperm bank.

14. What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?
Answer: All you can eat for under a buck.

15. What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?
Answer: A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

16. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
Answer: cherry float.

17. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
Answer: Beat IT - we're closed.

18. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
Answer: To find a tight seal.

19. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
Answer: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

20. What's the difference between sin and shame?
Answer: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

21. What's the speed limit of sex?
Answer: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

22. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
Answer: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

23. Why is air a lot like sex?
Answer: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

24. What's another name for pickled bread?
Answer: Dill-dough

25. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
Answer: He heard the snow blower coming.

26. Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
Answer: She's withholding evidence

27. What's the difference between light and hard?
Answer: You can sleep with a light on.

28. Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
Answer: Because they don't have balls to scratch.

29. Why is sex like a bridge game?
Answer: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

30. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
Answer: Their balls are just for decoration.

31. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Answer: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

Three Explorers

Three explorers were in the deepest darkest jungles of Africa, and were captured by a pigmy tribe.

The tribe brings them before the chief, who declares that the explorers were tracking across secret hunting grounds, and the penalty was death.

One explorer asks the chief if they are to die, could they chose the way they wanted to go.

After much consideration, the chief agreed.

The first explorer loved to eat, and wanted to eat himself to death.

The tribe puts him in a hut with 10,000 lbs of food, and two guards outside the door to make sure he doesn't escape.

The second explorer loved to drink, and wanted to drink himself to death.

Again, the tribe puts him in a hut with 10,000 gals of booze, and two guards outside the door to make sure he doesn't escape.

The third explored loved to screw women.

This took a little time, as the tribe had to construct a large hut and collect 10,000 naked women.

They finally got it all together, placed the explorer in the hut with 10,000 naked women, and two guards outside the hut to make sure he didn't escape.

Time rolled by, and about 3 months later the chief remembered that he had to see how the punishment of the three explorers turned out.

He went to the first hut, and found the man had ate so much, he exploded.

He had the two guards clean up the mess and dismissed them.

In the second hut, the explorer drank so much, he puked his guts out.

The chief had the two guards clean up the mess, and dismissed them.

You'd never guess what the chief found in the third hut...

10,000 pregnant women, two guards outside the door with red asses, and the explorer jacking off in the corner!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young apprentice talent agent went out to dinner and a few drinks
one night. After a few drinks he met a woman and they had a few
drinks together then ended up at his place.

Things start to get pretty hot and he goes down on her. When he
gets close to it he hears something, so he puts his ear closer and
hears singing. It's a high pitched sweet voice singing an old song.

The man is so excited he forgets all about sex, he gets on the phone
and calls his boss.

"Hello Joe you gotta hear this," and he puts the phone down by her
pussy where the singing is still going on. "Did you hear that Joe,
Did you hear it?"

Joe says, "What the hell's wrong with you? Did you wake me up at
three o'clock in the morning just to hear some cunt sing!

 

[melody]

Two Redneck Boys

Two redneck boys are sitting in their redneck class one
day when they realize they can see straight up their Pollack
teacher's skirt and she wasn't wearing any underwear..
One says to the other, "What do you suppose those little
brown things are? They look like raisins. She musta had
raisins at lunch and dropped some in her lap."
The other says "Naw - them's dung balls from the way
women wipe their asses."
"Nope - them's raisins."
Finally, they approach the teacher and ask her. "Johnny
says them things around your snatch is raisins and I say
they're dung balls from the way you wipe your ass. Which
one's right?"
"Neither, " replied the Pollack teacher kindly. "They're flies."

A man and a woman were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were talking before their dinner about how they should celebrate their big evening. The woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night and eat at the dinner table naked. The woman agreed. Later that night at the table, the woman says, "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago." The man replies, "That's because they are sitting in your soup."

A man from the Internal Revenue Service knocks on a door and it is opened by a little boy. The man asks the boy, "Where is your mother?" The boy states, "She's in the backyard, screwing the goat." The man exclaims, "Son, it's not nice to make up stories like that!" The boy says, "Come on in and I'll show you." So the taxman follows the little boy to the back of the house and looks out the window into the backyard. There, he sees a woman screwing a goat. Disgusted, he turns to the boy and says, "That is gross! Doesn't that bother you?" The little boy answers, "Naaaaaaaaah!"

Hair spray

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

@@@

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'

@@@

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

 

[melody]

Cyber Sex Chat Rooms

I suggest a visit to your favorite Chat Room where you can engage in
some of that Cyber Sex stuff, I just found out about this last night! I
was on AOL and I went to this chat room. It was named something
suggestive, but I can't remember which one it was. Something like,
"Horny and Bald", or something like that.

OK, so I get in there and man these people are talking some real shit
back and forth. I can't believe it. Somebody asks, "What's everyone
wearing?" And everyone starts responding about what they are wearing.
Girls were saying they were wearing silk nighties, leather and lace, or
nothing at all, spikes, all kinds of kinky stuff. Well hell, I was just
wearing a T-shirt and blue jeans and I felt sort of out of place. So I
hurried up and put on a jock strap, my wife's bra, roller blades, ear
muffs, and a ring of bratwurst around my neck.

Suddenly I realize that certain people are asking other certain people
if they want to go to a private room and have Cyber Sex. I wasn't quite
sure how this whole thing worked, so I asked, and members of the group
explained that you could send another person in the room a private
message, and then two members could talk back and forth without anyone
else knowing, and that's how you have Cyber Sex. Way Cool!

OK, so I'm waiting, and one by one I keep seeing people ask other people
if they want to have Cyber Sex, and they say yeah IM me. I found out
that means Immediate Message or something like that. OK, so I wait some
more, 'cause I know some really hot cyber chic babe is going to be
asking me to have some private cyber sex any minute now.

Well, I'm waiting and waiting, and nothing. I'm thinking, how do they
know I'm getting bald, that I've been married 26 years, have three kids,
and sometimes when I have a choice of making love to my wife or taking a
nap, I choose the nap. Hey, I figure I can get some sleep and dream
about having sex and kill two birds with one stone.
Geez, I'm 47 and I'm at that point where my wife makes me have sex at
least once a month whether I need to or not.

I'm thinking this Cyber Sex thing will be great because I won't have to
get out of breath or, get up in the middle to take a pee, or anything.

But no one sends me an invitation to join them. Then I got a brain
storm.

I wondered if I could send myself a private message. Sure enough I
could! So I sent a message to myself asking me if I wanted to have
Cyber Sex. Well, I reluctantly agreed. Once I was in the private room
I started telling myself what I was wearing, you know earmuffs and all.

Then the next thing I knew I was saying some really lewd stuff to
myself, man at first I was really embarrassed and on some level offended
by the things I was saying to me.

But the next thing I knew I was really starting to get turned on, I was
saying things to myself like, "oh yeah, oh yeah baby, that's it, that's
the way I like it, you're the king, you're the king, oh jesus you're the
chief of police, your the sheriff, go trooper, ride me like a K9 dog
humping the Sergeant's leg, oh god, oh god, cuff me, beat me, call me
dirty names, turn on your red light, scream like a siren....."

Man it was really getting hot, then just when it was really getting good
said something about "my momma", well shit, that did it, I just lost it.

I really got pissed off and I started screaming at myself TYPING IN ALL
CAPS and shit, and I told myself that I was a no good insensitive
asshole. I came back with a reply that I was nothing but a Cyber Prick
Teaser, and then I said I couldn't believe that I would have done
something like this with someone as disgusting a pig as me... well to
make a long story short I told myself "F off you Cyber Slut", and I
disconnected myself from me.

God I am so sick and ashamed of what I did I never want to talk to
myself again. Do you think I cheated on my wife? Should I tell her?

Welfare Office

A man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the
counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather
find a job,"

The person behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing.
We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are
provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be
provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her
overseas holidays trips.
The salary package is $200,000 a year!"

The man said, "You're bullshitting me man!"

The clerk behind the counter said, "Yeah, well, you started it."
**********
Woman #1: "His pee pee is really small, you know, but the sex is
wonderful."
Woman #2: "You mean he's rich?"
Woman #1: "Yeah. Exactly."
**********
A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and
squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea
how ridiculous you look? What`s the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don`t care. I
just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the
breasts of an 18 year old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 65 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.
**********

I don't know whats happening in this country. You've got school
children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children.
Its a nightmare ... you just don't know whether to carry sweets or money!
**********
A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap
over his dick. An ugly woman is passing and remarks 'if you were a
gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady ...'
He replies 'If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself!'

 

[melody]

What Are They Are Talking About?

* The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
* He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
* He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow!
* It's a game of inches.
* That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through
it.
* When you get down in this area, you gotta just start
pounding it.
* He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
* He found his tight end.
* End around!
* He had to stretch to get it in!
* He gets penetration into their backfield!
* He blows them off!
* He bangs it in!
* He could go all the way!
* He gets it off just in time!
* He goes deep!
* He found a hole and slid through it!
* He pounds it in!
* He beats them off at the movement of the ball~
* He's got great hands!

Football~~~Now Aren't You Embarrassed!

=======

A married couple was having dinner and the conversation got around to
transplants and artificial body parts.

"They'll make an artificial dick next," the wife said.

"Bullshit!" replied the husband, "There are something's you can't make
... besides, what would you make it from?"

"Iron," she told him.

"Don't be stupid, woman. It'd rust."

"Ok, brass then," she insisted.

"That's bloody ridiculous," scoffed the husband. "Men would never be
able to keep it clean."

"Rubbish!" she told him. "I've watched you polish yours while watching
porno videos for years!"

=======

At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, "That new
bull nearly did me in today, partner."

"Oh yeah, what happened?"

"I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me
like a locomotive from hell. He damn near got me!"

"So, how'd you get away?"

The bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me
a chance to make it to the fence and jump over."

"Man, that's scary. If it'd been me, I would probably have shit
all over the place."

"I DID! What do you think that bull was slipping in?

Skin Specialist

The MD had referred the patient to the dermatologist, because she
could not understand why the patient had these GREEN places on her
inner thighs. "Tell me," said the skin specialist, "are you
married?"

"No," said the patient, "but I have a boyfriend."

"And is your boyfriend a
Gypsy?" "Yes," said the patient, "but how did you know?"

"It was elementary, my dear. And you can tell your boyfriend that his
earrings are not real gold."

========

What do you call a prostitute with her hand in her panties?
~ Self employed.

What do you get if you cross a whore and a computer?
~ A fucking know-it-all.

Do you know the difference between a salad and a blowjob?
~ No? Well, okay then, let me take you out to lunch.
It'll be my treat!

What's the favorite TV show in Arkansas?
~ Touched By An Uncle.

How is a dick like fishing?
~ Throw back the small ones, eat the medium ones and ...
mount the large ones.

How do you get your husband interested in oral sex?
~ Douche with beer

Did you hear about the prostitute who was into bondage?
~ She was strapped for cash.

Did you hear about the masochistic homosexual?
~ He was sucker for punishment.

What do menstrual periods and spaghetti sauce have in common?
~ If you miss your Ragu, you could be Prego.

How do you know your mechanic has just had sex?
~ One of his fingers is clean.
========

The was a young lady named Flo.
Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
So they tried it all night
Till he got it just right.
Well, practice makes pregnant, you know!
Said the whore whom they called Geraldine,
"When I think of the pricks that I've seen,
And all of the nuts
And the arseholes and butts
And bastards like you in between."

Fair Jennifer's hair is beyond compare.
Her eyes are bright, brown, and shiny.
Her lips are divine,
In fact, she'd be fine...
If only her tits weren't so tiny!

 

[melody]

Bear Hunting

Elkins is out hunting and sees a bear. He shoots, and the bear
falls. He goes running up, and there's no bear. There's a tap
on his shoulder, he turns around, and it's the bear.
The bear says, "Did you just shoot at me?"
Elkins says, "Yeah."
The bear points at his dick and says, "Suck my cock."
What can he do, it's a bear. So he sucks the bear's cock.
He swallows. [That has nothing to do with the joke, but I like
to promote that whenever I can.]
Elkins goes to the gun shop and buys a double-barrel
shotgun. He goes into the woods, sees the bear, fires both
barrels, and the bear falls. He goes running up, and there's no
bear. There's a tap on his shoulder, and it's the bear.
The bear says, "Did you just shoot at me twice with a
double-barrel shotgun?"
Elkins says, "Yeah."
The bear says, "Pull down your pants and bend over that
log."
What can he do, it's a bear. He pulls down his pants,
bends over the log, and the bear fucks him in the ass. And it
takes a long time because the bear just had sex the day
before.
The next day Elkins goes to the gun shop and buys an
elephant gun. He goes into the forest, spots the bear, empties
the gun into it, and the bear falls. He goes running up, and
there's no bear. There's a tap on his shoulder.
He turns around and the bear says, "You don't come here to
hunt, do you?"

~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~

There once was a man from Brighton
Who said to his girl, 'You're a tight one'
She said, 'Pardon my soul,
But you're in the wrong hole.
There's plenty of room in the right one.'

Hiking In The Woods

Two men were hiking in the woods when one had to go take a
dump. He left the trail and began to unload behind a tree.
Suddenly, a huge rattlesnake sprung up and bit him on the end
of the penis.

As the man screamed for help, his friend came to his aid. Not
knowing what to do, he ran two miles back to their car, drove
10 miles over dirt roads and 15 miles back to town.

Upon finding the doctors office, he rushed right in to find
the doctor in the middle of delivering a baby. "Doctor, you
have to help! My friend just got bit by a rattlesnake on his
penis!"

The doctor replied, "I can't go with you right now, but if you
make an incision between the two bite marks, you can suck out
most of the poison and save your friend's life."

The man jumped back into his car, drove 15 miles back to the
woods, 10 miles over dirt roads and ran two miles back to his
friend.

Upon arriving, his friend asked, "What did the doctor say?"

He replied, "The doctor says you're going to die!"

~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~

ASK AUNT NASTY

Dear Aunt Nasty,

I am a 17 year old virgin, and have been ****** my boyfriend
for almost a year now. He has been pressuring me to have sex
with him, and tells me that if I love him I would let him take
my virginity. What should I do?

signed,
Pressured


Dear Pressured,

Oh girl, how I wish I were in your shoes! I say you are a
foolish girl for wasting some of the best years of your life.
Years from now you'll look back and regret those missed times
and opportunities. Once you try it, you'll know what I mean!
AND darling, if you decide to not heed my advice, well just
send your boyfriend my way and I'll give him all he wants and
then some. (hee hee)

AUNT NASTY

 

[melody]

Confucius says...

- Man with penis in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.

- Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.

- Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

- Man who go to bed with question of sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.

- He who go to bed with itchy butt, wake up with smelly finger.

- He who pees in wind gets wet.

- Man who run in front of car get tired.

- To prevent hangover stay drunk!

- Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly.

- Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

- Man who walk thru airport turnstyle sideways going to BANGkok.

- Woman who eat banana get cream in mouth.

- Man trapped in whore house get jerked around.

- Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

- Man with tool in woman's mouth, not necessarily a dentist.

- Man with hand in pocket is having a ball.

- Man who puts rooster in ice box take out stiff cock.

- Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!

- War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

- Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.

- Man who bounce woman on bed spring this spring have offspring next spring.

- People who make Confucious joke speak bad English.

- All blonde not blonde by cracky

- Blonde who fly upside down have crack up.

- Boy fool with girl in wrong period get caught red handed.

- Chemist who fall in acid get absorbed in work.

- Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

- Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.

- Girl who douches with vinegar, walks around with sour pussy.

- Girl who marry detective must kiss dick.

- Girl with back to fire warming whole of her body.

- He who eats ice cream in car is a Sundae Driver

- He who keeps both feet planted firmly on ground, have trouble getting pants off.

- He who masturbates in front of cash register come into money.

Making Cupcakes

One night a little girl comes down the stairs and catches her
parents having sex on the couch.

The little girl asks, "What are you doing?"

Her parents, surprised, stammer "Oh... er... well we're just
making cupcakes honey don't worry just go back to sleep"

So the little girl goes back to sleep.

The next morning the girl walks up to her parents and asks them
if it's true that they were making cupcakes the night before.

"Of course sweetie" says the mother.

"Good" says the girl, "because I licked up all the frosting."
===
Three reason why chocolate is better than sex
Chocolate satifies you even when soft
You can have it in front of your parents
And it wont mind if you bite hard on its nuts
===
August's Ebonic Word of the Month is "Omelette"
Yes, let me use it in a sentence:
I should punch you dead in the eye for what you just said, but
OMELETTE this one slide.
===
What's the difference between a Jewish American Princess and Jello?
Jello wiggles when you eat it!

Q. What do you find in a clean nose?
A. Fingerprints!
Q. How can you tell if a novel is homosexual?
A. The hero always gets his man in the end.
Q. What do a nearsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?
A. A wet nose.
Q. What's the hottest thing in the world?
A. Two rats fucking in a wool sock.
Q. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
A. Beef strokin' off.
Q. Why doesn't Smokey the bear have any kids?
A. Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.
Q. How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?
A. 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"

 

[melody]

Get Rid Of The Crabs

Little Johnny got the crabs from a girlfriend and wanted to know how
to get rid of them. There are three options.

1. Hold a mirror opposite of your genitals and the crabs will think
that there is another crotch to jump off onto.

2. Shave off half of your pubic hair, set the other half on fire
and stab the crabs with an ice pick when they run out of the first
half.

3. Go to a movie; buy a box of popcorn, a coke, and a pack of milk
duds.
When the movie is really getting to a point of real excitement be
sure to drop some of the popcorn into your lap so the crabs can eat
some of the popcorn. The salt in the popcorn will make the crabs
really thirsty, and they will go to the lobby to get some water.
While they are gone, you get up and move to another seat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There once was a whore named Nellie,
who's clients complained she was smelly.
She was given some soap,
the kind dangling on rope,
but never made it past her belly.

Nellie's next was a tender young buck,
come to call for his very first fuck.
He went down for a nibble,
alas, there was dribble.
She was already full of cum, darn his luck!

The English teacher had each pupil write then read an essay on how
his summer went. One boy began, "Last week, my Daddy fell down our well."
"WHAT?" the teacher interrupted. I trust he is alright!"
"Must be," the boy replied. "Yesterday he stopped yelling for help."

How To Fuck Like A Black Dude

A white guy is sitting in a bar next to a black guy. "Hey, dude," he
asks. "How's it you black dudes are so popular with the ladies?"

"Well," the black guy replies, "It is all a matter of fuckin'. When you
white guys fuck, you just stick it in and Wham! Bam! Thank you ma'am!
It's all over before it's even started. When we make love to a woman,
we tease her first, and then only when she begs for it, we stick it in
slow, and gentle like. That's the secret, man, tease her until she begs
you for it, and then slow and gentle like. Works every time."

The white guy finishes his drink and goes home. That night, in bed with
his wife, he remembers the black guy's advice. First he teases his wife
until she begs him to put it in her, and then he starts fucking her, but
very slowly and very gently.

"Hey," she says to him passionately. "When did you learn to fuck like a
black guy?"

@@@

Girls, they say the hand is quicker than the eye...
So, quick, come over here and jerk me off. No one will see you!

@@@

A guy pulls up to a little girl playing on the sidewalk and says, "Hey,
little girl, want a lollipop?"
The girl says, "My mommy told me not to take candy from strangers. But if you give me twenty bucks, I'll suck your cock."

@@@

A guy's driving by a field and sees a cow kneeling and praying and a
rabbit fucking a cat.
He says, "Holy cow, look at the hare on that pussy."

@@@

An old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco,
Crisssssssco!"
Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Lady, the Crisco is in
aisle D."
The old lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff.
I'm calling my husband."
The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?"
The old lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when
we're out in public."
"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"
"Lard ass."