JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

_______________________________________


TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS...

10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."
5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
3. You're counting down the days until menopause.
2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

_______________________________________


"So he asked, 'Would you be interested in a threesome?'" "OH, NO! What
did you tell him?" "I said, "I might. 'Whom did you have in mind?' He
replied, 'Your pretty little friend Jill!' I said, 'That's too bad
because I was thinking more along the lines of your gorgeous, hunky
friend Jerry, who I know for a fact has 10 and a half inches to offer!'"

 

[melody]

You May Be A Ho If......

You become a Vaseline spokesperson.

Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.

You go through a Sealy Bed (tm) a week.

Frederick of Hollywood actually comes to your door himself...just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.

You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.

Tetracycline is your best friend.

McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".

It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.

When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your door.

When you get hemorrhoids on you shoulders.

Your day starts and ends by rolling over.

When the sperm bank calls for remnants.

When you're wearing more latex than spandex.

When your ceiling mirrors fog.

When they install a revolving door at your apartment.

When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.

Madonna comes to you for pointers.

When he doesn't even have to buy you a drink.

When you have a room key to every hotel in town.

Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.

The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon.

When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"

When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.

When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.

=======

2 nuns were walking in Central Park in New York late
at night and 2 men came out of the bushes, and started
to force them into having sex.

The first nun prayed saying, "Forgive him Lord for he
does not know what he is doing,"

While the other nun screams, "Oh yes, he does!"

=======

What's a clitoris?
A female hood ornament.

 

[melody]

The Men's Code

1. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

2. Never hesitate to reach for either the last beer or the last
slice of pizza -- but not both. That's just plain mean.

3. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator
is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable,
however.

4. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

5. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the
ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

6. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must
bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait
10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic
1-10 scale.

8. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is
trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get
carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the
beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your
bachelor party.

9. Before ****** a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his
permission and he, in return is required to grant it.

10. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem -- you didn't see
nothin'.

11. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never
ask who's playing.

12. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel ... and it's free.

13. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

14. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be referring
to his beer.

15. Never join your girlfriend/wife in discussing a buddy, except when
she's withholding sex pending your response.

16. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal
footing; either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all
other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.



Once there was 3 golfers, and there was this animal called a foo bird.
Legends said that if it shits on you and you wipe it off you will die.
Well, they were out golfing, when all of a sudden a foo shitted on the
first guy, he wiped it off, and the next day he died.
The next day another guy did the same after being shitted on. The next day he died as well.
The following day the 3rd guy went to play alone, and it shit on him,
but he didn't wipe it off. He lived to be 104 years old.

Moral:

If the foo shits, wear it.

 

[melody]

Naming The Father For Child Support In England

The following are all replies that British women have
put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for
listing the father's details:

These are 'genuine' excerpts from the forms.

01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,
child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to
the identity of the father of child B, but I believe
that he was conceived on the same night.

02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my
child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from
behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were
at the party if this helps.

03. I do not know the name of the father of my little
girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand
Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met
that night. I do remember that the sex was so good
that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the
father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

04. I don't know the identity of the father of my
daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by
my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can
contact BMW service stations in this area and see if
he's had it replaced.

05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a
letter from the Pope confirming that my son's
conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen
again.

06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he
informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that
would have cataclysmic implications for the British
economy. I am torn between doing right by you and
right by the country. Please advise.

07. I do not know who the father of my child was as
all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that
he was a Royal Green Jacket.

08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do
catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my
AC/DC CDs?

09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was
conceived at EuroDisney - maybe it really is the Magic
Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing
that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program
about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed
in and watched more TV rather than going to the party
at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained
unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my
baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't
be sure which one made you fart.

 

[melody]

Duck Hunting

One Friday night a man tells his wife that he is going duck hunting
in the morning.

She says, "I want to go too."

He says, "NO... You are too hard to wake up."

She begged him, "Please, Please. I promise I will wake up early."
He says, "O.K. but if you wont get up, I'm going to screw you up
the ass or you are going to give me a blow job."

She said, "I've got nothing to worry about because I will wake up."

3:00am the next morning the alarm goes off. The man gets up and tries
to wake up his wife. She's still laying there and he tells her that
he is going to take a shower and when he gets out she'd better be up.
He gets out of the shower and she is still sleeping. He tells her he
is going to give her one more chance to wake up. He has to go out and
get their stuff and put the dogs in the truck and when he comes back
in she has to be awake or she has to pay up. He's out there about
30 minutes and when he comes back in his wife is snoring.

He is pissed. He wakes her up.

He said, "OK now what's it going to be? In the ass or a blow job?"

She said, "all right... I can't take in the ass so I will give you a
blow job."

He pulls out his cock and she starts sucking on it.

Then she begins to spit and spit. She says, "THAT TASTES LIKE SHIT!!!"

He said, "Yeah, I know, the dogs didn't want to wake up either."

yyyyyyyy

A little boy and his mother were driving down the
road one day and the little boy saw 2 dogs "doing
it." He asked his mom what they were doing. She
answered, "They're making cake." Later on he
saw 2 cows "doing it" and he asked his mom
what they were doing. Again she answered,
"They're making cake." Later that night the little
boy saw his mom and dad "doing it" and the next
morning he said to his mom, "Mommy, last night I
saw you and daddy making cake and I licked the
icing off the bed."

yyyyyyyy

There was a young maid from Belfast
Who had trouble getting it past
The warts and the scabs
That she got from the lads
Who wiped their tools on her arse.

A dyke and a queer named Groom
Were planning their honeymoon
Groom said "My dear
It's not very clear
Who should do what to whom".

On The Footpath

A little boy was on the footpath, playing with shit.
A postman rode up and asked him what he was doing.
"I'm making a postman!" the kid declared.
Then a little old lady came up and asked him what he was doing.
The little boy replied, "I'm making a little old lady!"
The old lady was so disgusted that she went to the local cop shop
and reported the little boy.
A short while later, a big policeman strolled down and approached
the boy.
"G'day, little fella," he said. I know what you're doing - your
making a policeman."
The little boy looked up at the cop and smiled.
"Fuck off!" he said. "I ain't got enough shit for that!"
====================
Q. How do you make a hormone?
A. Kick her in the guts.

Q. What's charred and stands between two sticks?
A. A burnt cripple.

Q. What do women & dog turds have in common?
A. The older they are, the easier they are to pick up!
====================
This little boy comes home from school, he sees his mom and says,
"Mom, what's a cunt?"
Shocked, his mother says "Where on earth did you hear that kind of
language?! Go tell your father what you said to me!"
So the little boy goes downstairs to see his dad in the basement, and
says, "Dad, what's a cunt?" His father takes out a playboy centerfold,
and draws a circle around the girl's pubic area with a pencil. The Dad
says, "Son, see this? That's a pussy. Everything outside that circle is
a cunt!"

 

[melody]

MEN'S THOUGHTS DURING LOVE MAKING

Kissing/Light Petting:

What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww! "
**

Undressing

What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the SIZE of that!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"
**

Foreplay/Oral Sex

What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours."

What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."
**

Penetration

What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"
**

Your Orgasm

What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for this performance. "
What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's name here), yes!"
**

Postcoital Bliss

What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feels like."

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."

**********

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says,

"I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"

"Oh, no! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you
look less attractive."

"I also heard that you've been calling me fat!"

"Oh, no! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes
you look larger than you really are."

"I also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on
his dick!"

"Oh, no! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his
dick!"

~THE REAL MAN'S TEST~

This is a test DESIGNED BY REAL MEN, intended FOR REAL MEN ONLY.
Circle the best answer to each question below. Answers below

1. Impotence is
a. rude or disrespectful behavior
b. helpful when you need dinner reservations or theater tickets
c. when you care enough to give her a break from her sexual duties

2. A menstrual cycle has
a. three wheels
b. two wheels
c. no wheels...it just drags along

3. The G-spot is
a. a key on the piano
b. close to the F-spot
c. imaginary - dreamed up by feminists to persecute men

4. Masturbate refers to
a. the best fishing lure for big fish
b. everyone joining in the discussion
c. the rewards enjoyed by a man who does his best work alone

5. Premature ejaculation is
a. a man younger than 18 having sex
b. soiling your new PLAYBOY before you get to the centerfold
c. the ultimate testament to your woman's overpowering sex appeal

6. A Douche is
a. one rank above Earl
b. a playing card with the number "2"
c. French for "You're fresh out of luck tonight"

7 Lesbian refers to
a. someone from the Middle East
b. a French word for "the well"
c. a woman trying to do what a man does better

8. Vagina is
a. a heart disease
b. a state near Washington DC
c. like a Club Med - a retreat where kids aren't your responsibility

9. Pornography is
a. the business of making records
b. the science of loaning money against hocked valuables
c. better than foreplay - you're ready before she hits the sheets

10. KOTEX is
a. a radio station in Los Angeles
b. a synthetic fiber for outerwear
c. a chastity belt for women who don't need one

11. A wet dream is likely to occur
a. when your roof begins to leak at night
b. reading the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition
c. when a work accident has disabled both your hands

SCORING: The correct answer to all questions is (c).

If you got 11 CORRECT:
You are a real man. The only romantic challenge you face is finding
a woman worthy of your attentions.

If you got 6-9 CORRECT:
You are still a man...but you need to spend more time riding in
pickup trucks, talking to chicks on sex hotlines, visiting internet
pornography sites...

If you got 1-5 CORRECT:
Liberals, feminists, fairies and wimps are chipping away at your
manhood. Stay away from open, honest discussions of sexuality...
anyone's sexuality!

if you got NONE CORRECT:
It's time for sex change surgery, testosterone replacement therapy,
monastic life or marriage.

 

[melody]

More Things Not To Say In Bed With Someone...

1. You know you want me to.
2. You suck it-like an ice cream cone.
3. You brought the condoms, right?
4. Let's have a flesh fest.
5. What's your last name?
6. I believe in only fivesomes.
7.. Don't tell anybody, OK?
8. The condom is on inside out.
9. You don't believe in bestiality?
10. I'm gonna make you squeal like a pig.
11.. Wait! I need my teddy bear.
12. Let me go wash my face real fast.
13. I've got pussy breath.
14. I'm gonna throw up.
15. But I wanted to bite it.
16. You broke my nail!
17. Have you ever seen Basic Instinct?
18. Are you a virgin?
19. Shooey! You're better than Mom.
20. Do you trust me, I mean, really trust me?
21. I wanna go muff diving.
22. My dad did it differently
23. Huh? I'm sorry. I fell asleep.
24. Who needs birth control?
25. The ceiling needs painting.
26. Swallowing is a lot neater.
27. Oh, baby, you're so good. (Said sarcastically.)
28. Do you mind if I draw blood?
29. Ever lick someone's anus?
30. My ex was much better.
31. How much do I owe you?
32. I can't find the key.
33. What do you mean, you can't find the key?
34. I'm hungry for some hair pie.
35. You don't mind if I film, do you?
36. Can I beat you with my love stick?
37. Where am I?
38. It's Mr. Pastyface!
39. Why don't you just bend over and smile.
40. I forgot to lock the door.
41. Leave the TV on.
42. That's $20 for the first hour, right?
43. I think a blindfold would make you feel better.
44. Do you always smell like that?
45. How about some fellatio?
46. Is it in yet?
47. When was the last time you did this?
48. Cullulite makes me horny.
49. What's your name again?
50. Meet my pet sheep, Stud.
51. Are you done yet?
52. Oh, I've got my period. I forgot. I'm sorry.
53. I thought you were your sister.
54. I thought you'd never climax.
55. Meet Russel the Love Muscle.
56. I'm really really drunk..
57. Your stretch marks turn me on.
58. Did you have an orgasm?
59.. My name is really Andy Dugger.
60. Glad we got that over with.
61. Your cushion lends me to some real good pushin'.
62. If you tell anyone, I'll kill you.
63. If you loved me you would.
64. You mean you're only fourteen?--Yeah.
65. Mr. Head wants some.
66. Ooh, I love small penises.
67. I'm gonna suck your cl-- like a straw.

Making Out

A teenage boy and his steady girlfriend were making out in his
parked car, when the boy got really turned on, and said, "Please
darlin', I can't take it anymore, I have to get some relief."
His girl replies, "You know I am saving myself until we get
married!"
He continues to plead and begs her, "What if I just put the head in
for a while, just let me marinate it a little?"
Finally getting a bit steamed up herself, she reluctantly agrees,
but says, only if it's the head.
So he anxiously unzips and
fumbling, puts the head of his manhood into the softness of her
secret treasure and that's all he does, well for about 30 seconds
anyway, but in the heat of passion, he gets carried away and before
you know it he's put it in entirely and is pumping away with deep
thrusts for all he's worth.
After a few minutes his lady love moans and thrilling to the
mounting pleasure and a new awareness, haltingly gasps "I know we
have this deal, that you are only putting the head in, but... this
feels so damn good, go ahead and give it all to me!"
Jolted to his senses, stopping in mid thrust, but thinking quickly
our hero responds, "Nope, a deals a deal."

~~~~~~~~

An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
She was finally the prize
Of a man twice her size
And all she recalls is the ache.

There was a young man named Keith,
Who liked to be fondled beneath,
When she'd start with her lips,
Mmmmm, he'd wiggle his hips...
But not when the bitch used her teeth!

There was a young lady of Dover
Whose passion was such that it drove her.
To cry, when you came,
"Oh dear! What a shame!
Well, now we shall have to start over."

 

[melody]

DUMB SEX LESSONS

Lesson #1... >IN< ... (Repeat as often as possible)

A condominium is NOT the smallest size they make.

If your wife tells you sex is a 'pain in the ass', turn her over.

A porn shop will not give you money for your used stuff, that's a pawn
shop.

Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church.

If she says "doggy style please ," Do run on down to the local pet
center.

Kama Sutra is not a martial art... therefore don't tell your lover that
you have a black belt in it.

Well-endowed is not a reference to the size of your bank account.
_______

The economy is so bad that...

Jewish women are marrying for love.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you
call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their
children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

The most highly paid job now is jury duty.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges..
_______

I got married," said the first tavern regular, "so that I could get
laid 3 or 4 times a week."
The other regular replied, "that's strange; cuz that's the reason
why I got divorced!"
~~~
Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra?
A man took twelve pills and his wife died.
~~~
What is the definition of suspicious??
A nun doing pushups in a cucumber patch
~~~
What does a woman's asshole do during orgasm?
He's usually on the couch in the living room watching TV.
~~~

After listening to other kids in the classroom telling all the cool
talents their parents have, the teacher called on Little Johnny.
Quickly thinking of something just as good or better than the talents
of the other kids' parents, Little Johnny thought of something. Little
Johnny exclaimed, "My dad eats light bulbs!" All through the classroom

there were remarks of "Cool!" The teacher, in shock, asked,
"What makes you think your father eats light bulbs?"
Little Johnny replies, "The other night when I was in bed, my dad said,

'Honey, if you turn the light out I will eat it.'

 

[melody]

YOU ARE NOT A REDNECK IF......

1. You don't pee in the sink.
2. Your wife is not related to you
3. Your car ACTUALLY runs.
4. You have a full set of teeth.
5. You passed the 5th Grade.
6. None of your brothers names start with Billy Bob.
7. Your house costed more than your car.
8. The shower is ACTUALLY being used.
9. You never saw Elvis.
10. You don't miss the $100 question on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire
========

Why did the elderly Nympho plant roses?
Last chance to get a bush full of pricks.

What did the blonde say when the job interviewer said, "Spell your name?"
Y-O-U-R N-A-M-E

Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like
Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact
that Won Ton spelled backwards is Not Now.

========
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets
back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put
them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and
says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well,
put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again
that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them
through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are
really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever
get cold?"

 

[melody]

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?" "Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".

~~~

"Mom, I'm pregnant."

"How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?"

"That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and
then
I went with the biggest."
~~~
Woman: "Are you good in bed?"

Man: "Of course I am."

Woman: "How do you know?"

Man: "Because I'm always satisfied...."
~~~
Nate said to his wife, Barbara, over dinner, "You know, drinking makes
you beautiful."

Puzzled, Barbara said, "I don't drink."

"I know," said Nate, "but I do."
~~~
Q: What is the real cause of Pamela Lee's being dim witted?
A: Headboards.
~~~
When my son was in third grade, his teacher
asked him to spell "straight." He did so
correctly.

"Now," said the teacher, "what does it mean?"

"Without water," he replied.
~~~
"I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here,
Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move
at all."
~~~
Q: What do you call a cow with only 2 right legs?
A: Lean beef!


A lady went to her doctor for a check-up. when asked how she got the bruises on the outside of her thighs, she explained that she got them from having sex. The doctor then told her she would have to change positions until the bruises healed. She replied "Oh doctor, I can't... my dog's breath is awful!"


A gay man was driving his sports car around the corner,
when an eighteen-wheeler pulled out of the alley and directly in front of his way.
The sports car plows into the truck and totally demolishes the front end of the sports car.
The gay man jumps out of the car, comes tearing around
the side of the truck where the truck driver is, and hollers,
"You did that on purpose! You just pulled right out in front of me!"
The truck driver says, "Suck my dick."
Waving his hands, "Don't try to sweet talk me out of it!!!
I'm really fucking PISSED here!"


A woman went to a computer ****** service and said she didn't
care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a
man of upright character.

Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking
in a woman was intelligence.

The service matched them together at once because they had one
thing in common -- they were both pathological liars.

 

[melody]

Top 10 Signs You're Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active....

10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."
7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.
6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.
4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.
3. You've just seen the photos in the "Beaver Hunt" section of Hustler.
2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

And the Number One Sign Your Grandparents are still sexually
active.....

1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style."

999

An elderly couple was having dinner at another couple's house, and after their meal,
the wives left the table to go to the kitchen.
The two elderly gents were talking, and one says:
"Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant. I'd highly recommend it."
The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying:
"Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies: "A carnation?"
"No, no. The other one," the man says.
His friend suggests, "The poppy?"
"No, no, no," growls the man.
"You know - the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells:
"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

 

[melody]

Dildos

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop.
His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while,
and "can you handle it? " The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but
with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is
there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one.
I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the
black dildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the
white one. I've never had a white one before..."
She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde
woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He:"Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one,
I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks,
"How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the salesman responded, "I did
really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your
thermos for $165!"
________

Abe's son Morris arrived home from school puffing and panting,
sweat rolling down his face.

"Dad, you'll be so proud of me," Morris said,
"I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home!"
...
"Morris, you are a stupid boy!" said Abe,
"You could have run behind a taxi and saved $12.00!"

 

[melody]

Q: What's blue and fucks old people?
A: Hypothermia

Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is
fucking her.

Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhoea

Q. What's the difference between acne and
a Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face
until he's at least 13 years old.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a
cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own
name.

Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian
blowjob?
A. You know she'll swallow.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic
wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake
jewelry.

Q: What is better than winning a medal at the
Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded in the first place.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot
and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. Why are women’s feet so small?
A. So they can stand closer to the stove/sink.

Q. How did the john know how many times his favorite whore had gotten fucked that night?
A. He drank her douche and counted the lumps as they went down.

Q. What's the definition of gross?
A. Licking the sweat off your grandpa's back as you fuck him in the ass.

Q. What's gross?
A. When you're eating cornflakes, and your brother asks what happened to his scab collection.

Q: How many women does it take to paint a wall?
A: It depends on how hard you throw them.

Q: What did the maxi pad say to the fart?
A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

Q. How does a gay guy fake an orgasm?
A. Stands behind his partner and throws warm yogurt on his back.

Q. How many "Sickest Sites" fans does it take to put in a light bulb?
A. One, but it takes an entire emergency room to get it out.

Q. What's the difference between snot and broccoli?
A. Kids won't eat broccoli.

 

[melody]

When It's Okay To Fart In Public:

~^~ In your boss' office as you are turning to leave. Tip- Make sure
it's a silent one.

~^~ In a bathroom.

~^~ In a cashier's line - it might help to speed up things.

~^~ In an empty elevator before you get off.

~^~ Next to an occupied changing room - it may quickly become
unoccupied.

~^~ In someone else's unoccupied cubicle at work.

~^~ While parachuting.

~^~ While scuba diving.

~^~ In the back seat of a patrol car if you are arrested.

~^~ During interrogation if you're the one being interrogated.

~^~ In your car if you've been carjacked.

~^~ In the changing room when you're sure someone else is waiting
his/her turn.

~^~ In your car once you've been pulled over… the cop may let you go
quicker.

~^~ During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors.

~^~ While walking down a crowded hallway. Nobody will know whom to
blame.


Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
A: It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

Q: How can you tell when you're REALLY ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

Q: How do you trick a blonde into marrying you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.

Q: Why are blondes always so quiet when they're fucking?
A: Because they were raised not to talk to strangers.

Q: What's the difference being in a "69", and driving in the fog?
A: I don't know, either, but at least in a "69" you can see the asshole in
front of you.

Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the airvalve stem.

 

[melody]

A Dummies' Guide For Dummy’s

Don't throw a brick straight up.

Don't take long naps while driving.

Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.

Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.

Don't microwave yourself too often.

Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.

When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's
sufficiently hot.

If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually
raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.

Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.

When you are in bed remember to close your eyes.

No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside
of all fences at the zoo.

When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.

Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.

When you find a prize in a box of "Crackerjacks" there is no need to
report it on your income tax return.

"Time" magazine is not suitable to wear on your wrist. Get a watch.

One + one = two. Try to remember that.

Don't count the peas in a can. It is not an exact science.

If you discover that February only has 28 days, don't report it to the
Consumer Fraud Department. Likely they will ignore your complaint.

For faster elevator service press the elevator button many times.

April 1st is Your special high holy day.

-------

A Polish woman went to the drugstore and asked the clerk to sell her
some deodorant for her husband. "Certainly, madam," answered the clerk,
"would that be the ball type?"
"Oh, no. It's for under his arms."

-------

A balding man asked his barber one visit if the barber knew any kind
of treatment that would combat hair loss. "Yes," said the barber, "I know
of something very effective. I use fluids from the vagina."
"Female fluid? But that's preposterous! You are one of the baldest
guys I have ever met!"
"Oh, on top. Who cares about that? Check out my moustache!"

 

[Black06]

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied 'We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you', the lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree'.
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated,'You come with us also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'
'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 metre high!'
Lesson : Don't trust kind lawyers. (Also, don't send this to your good friend who is also a lawyer)!!

---------- Post added at 01:40 AM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 01:39 AM ----------

ROMANTIC SMS


She sent the following message while waiting for her train:

My love

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams

If you are smiling, send me your smile

If you are crying, send me your tears

I love you



He replied:

I'm in the toilet. What do I send?

---------- Post added at 01:43 AM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 01:40 AM ----------

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. ......................

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus

---------- Post added at 01:44 AM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 01:43 AM ----------

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.



While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names'.

The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.'

---------- Post added at 01:45 AM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 01:44 AM ----------

University aspirants were asked to answer this:

"If a girl faints, we must first feel her pu_s_".

*Those who write 'Pulse' become doctors.

*Those who answer 'Purse' become investment bankers, lawyers and professional thieves.

The rest are considered normal, and good enough to go straight into adult life....

 

[melody]

Tie The Knot

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake
biscuits in the kitchen.
"Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of
marriage?"
The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes
up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her privates.
"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man
will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.
So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.
While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged
wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened
the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and
squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.
Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.
"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.
He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing
barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any
meat at it!"
_______

What your sleeping position says about you!

According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say
the position you sleep in says a lot about you.

...They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who
sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on
their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.
________

"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said four year old Little Johnny to
his grandfather.

"You are? Why?" the old man asked.

Little Johnny replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned
to put your hand in front of your mouth."

"Of course I have," the old fellow says. "How else can I catch my damn
teeth?"

Hired By The FBI

The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" so he replies "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir.", interviewer continues, "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" he replies "My country, sir." The interviewer looks at the man, "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."

The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."

The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!", to which the guy replies, "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"

=======

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

 

[melody]

Fun Things To Do In Church

Put stray dogs in coat closets.

Un-tune the piano.

Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".

Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.

Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"

Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead
concerts.

Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a
dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or
crucified?"

Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.

Start a wave.

Do cool things with the lighting.

Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.

Make up your own words to the songs.

Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say:
"HEY. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.

Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.

Dress all in camo.

Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in
your ear as jewelry If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the
evening service.

If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching
shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.

At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that
you can see an image of Jesus.

Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and
socks.

Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first
mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.

Inflate balloons, then send them off.

Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side
cartoons.

Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in
asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.

Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.

Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.

During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what
you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over
65 million years ago."

Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly
light them.

Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned,
especially Stephen.

Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how
good it is.

When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper
with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.

Blow bubbles.

Fake a possession.

Distribute condoms.

Speak in tongues.

Ask where the nearest ashtray is.

Drool in the collection plate.

Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they
tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.

After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When
someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act
embarrassed.

Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".

At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a
wristwatch embedded inside.

Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"

On The Beach

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini,
"I want to feel your breasts," he said.
"Get away from me, you dirty old man," she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $5" he says.
"$5? !! Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $10" he says.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"$50" he says.
She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses & says, "I said NO!"
"$100 if you let me feel your breasts," he says.
She thinks, well he is old ... and $100 would be very handy...."Well, OK...but only for a minute," she says.

She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel...and then he starts saying OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...while he is caressing them. So out of curiosity, she asks him "Why do you keep saying "Oh my god’?"
While continuing to fondle her tits he answers "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... Where am I ever going to get $100 ?"


A woman goes into the doctor because she's missed a couple of periods
and takes a test, revealing she's pregnant. So she goes into the doctor
to confirm the results, and finds out she's about 3 1/2 months
pregnant.
"Hmmmm." she says "Is this not good news?" He says to her.
"No, not necessarily.. The problem is that I've been with 5
different guys in the past 4 months, I have no idea who the father
could be!"
"Well, it looks as though you may want to contact each of them and
have them come in for DNA testing. Then you'll know for sure." Said the
Doc.
"I can't do that." She says.
"Why not?" The Doctor replies.
"Because, they've changed their Screen Names!!!


God decides it's time he has a vacation. So he asks St. Peter for his
assistance. St. Peter says, "Why don't you go to Mercury?"
"Oh no!" says God, "I went there 25,000 years ago and got the worst
sunburn of my life."
St. Peter says, "How about Pluto?" "Oh no!" says God,
"I went there 10,000 years ago, broke my leg skiing."
St. Peter says, " How about earth?" "Oh no!" says God,
"I went there 2,000 years ago knocked up some Jewish chick and I've
been
hearing about it ever since".

 

[melody]

Norman's Blonde Wife

Norman and his wife live in Cleveland. One winter morning while
listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going
to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car
on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can
get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park
your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplows
can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park ..." just then the power goes out, and Norman's wife
is very upset. With a worried look on her face she says, "Oh god,
I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to
park on so the plows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Honey, why don't you
just leave it in the garage this time?"

@@@

There are many ways to say I love you, but fucking is the fastest. As
whispered to me by a very naughty lady

What drives a lesbian up the wall?
A crack in the ceiling.

A genius is any man who can adjust the thermostat to please his wife.

Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
To avoid the draft.

Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two
hours?
Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

 

[melody]

Colonoscopy's

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during this exam were
quite
humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
made
by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopy:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all . . .
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?"
________________________________

There once was a man named Eugene
Who invented a screwing machine
Concave and convex
It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.
There once was a priest from Bings,
whose mind was on heavenly things.
But his earthly desire
was a boy on the choir
whose ass shook like jello on springs.

There was a young girl from Odessa,
A rather unblushing transgressor.
When sent to the priest
The lewd little beast
Began to undress her confessor.
________________________________

Q: How do you change a Fox into an Elephant?
A: You marry her.

Q: How do you turn a Stallion into a pig?
A: You marry him.