Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

How Was Yodeling Invented?

Back in the olden days, a man was traveling through Switzerland. Nightfall
was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a
farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told
him that it would be all right, and that he could sleep in the barn. The man
went into the barn to bed down, and the farmer went back into the house.
The farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked the farmer, "Who
was that man going into the barn?" "That's some fellow traveling
through," answered the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night,
so I said that he could sleep in the barn." The daughter then asked the
farmer, "Did you offer the man anything to eat?"

"Gee, no, I didn't," the farmer answered.

The daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take him some food." She went into
the kitchen, prepared a plate of food, and then took it out to the barn. The
daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to the house. When she
came back in, her clothes were all disheveled and buttoned up wrong, and she
had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blonde hair. She
immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep.

A little later, the farmer's wife came down and asked the farmer why their
daughter went to bed so early. "I don't know," said the farmer. "I told a
man that he could sleep in the barn, and our daughter took him some food."

"Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man
anything to drink?"

"Umm, no, I didn't," said the farmer. The wife then said, "I'm going to take
something out there for him to drink." The wife went to the cellar, got a
bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She did not return for over an
hour, and when she came back into the house, her clothes were also messed
up, and she had straw twisted into her blonde hair. She went straight
up the stairs and into bed.

The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his
journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm. A few hours later, the
daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the
barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house.

"Where's the man from the barn?" she eagerly asked the farmer. Her father
answered, "He left several hours ago."

"What?" she cried. "He left without saying good bye? After all we had
together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me."

"What?" shouted the father. "He took advantage of you?" The farmer ran out
into the front yard looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up
the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you!
You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the
mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth, and yelled out,

"I laid the old laDEE, too!"

 

[melody]

CRUDE SEXY Q's & A's

Q. What's the difference between your grandmother's pussy and a bowling ball?
A. If you really HAD to, you could eat a bowling ball.

Q. Have you heard about the new feminine hygiene spray created by SSY?
A. You know, they're the company that took the PU out of pussy.


Q: Why do women have periods?
A: Because they deserve themCrude Sexy Q's & A's

Q. What should you do if your epileptic grandma is having a seizure in the bathtub?
A. Throw in some Tide and a load of dirty clothes.


Q. How do you re-fit an old whore?
A. Shove a five pound ham up her pussy and pull out the bone.

Q. What's the definition of "bonus?"
A. You're fucking a pregnant woman and the fetus gives you a blow job.

Q: Why does a necrophiliac wait six weeks before he fucks a stiff ?
A: Because then he can stick in it anywhere he likes.

Q. What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
A. Male fraud.

Q. What's the difference between a hamster and a cow?
A. Cows survive the branding.

Q. What do a nearsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?
A. A wet nose.

Q. Why does a dog lick its penis?
A. Because it can't make a fist.

Q. What do you call a hillbilly who owns sheep and goats.
A. Bisexual.

Q. What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A. Gonorrhoea.

Q. Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?
A. It's for the Christmas period.

Q. How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A. The best ones squirt when you eat them.

Q. A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in fifth grade. Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
A. When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

Q. How can you tell she's a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.

Q. Why did god give men penises?
A. So they'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!

Q. Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients?
A. They hid their own eggs!

Q. What's the hottest thing in the world?
A. Two rats fucking in a wool sock.

Q. What do your parents' car and testicles have in common?
A. Hit either one of them and you're grounded.

 

[melody]

You Know You're Trailer Trash When.....

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your
spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in
front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different
night.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People.

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch
this"

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen,
start your engines."

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its
wheels.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how
much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge'.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

 

[melody]

GUIDE TO MEN

1. Never sleep with a man who has named his penis.
2. Don't imagine you can change a man unless he is in diapers.
3. Never let your man's mind wander ... it's too little to be
let out alone.
4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? ... You lock
the door behind him.
5. If he asks what sort of books you like, tell him "checkbooks."
6. If they can put a man on the moon, they should be able to
put them all there.
7. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is
unquestionably gay.
8. You might as well go for younger men ... they never mature anyway.
9. Women don't make fools of men ... most of them are the
do-it-yourself type.
10. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
11. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh, all right,I'll stay
the night."
12. Definition of a bachelor: a man who missed the opportunity
to make some woman miserable.
13. Remember, a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him
jokes it means you laugh at his.
14. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest
that they're too old for it.
15. Remember that you are known by the idiot you accompany.
16. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
17. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40
years,proving that even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.
18. So many men, so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
19. Tell him you're not his type: you have a pulse.
20. Never do housework ... No man has ever made love to a woman
because the house was spotless.
21. If he asks you if you're faking it, tell him no, you're just practicing.
22. When he asks you if he's your first, tell him, "You may be; you
look familiar."
23. Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't
even bother to have lunch with.
24. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't
dance or buy drinks.
25. Men are all the same; they just have different faces so you can
tell them apart.

 

[melody]

ARE YOU ADDICTED?

*Tech Support calls "You" for help.
*Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL
*When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"
*You have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's
*You have to be pried from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life
*You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it
*You no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences .
*You begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing
*You know more about your online friends daily routines than you do your own family's.
*You lie to others about your time online and when they complain
*You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out"
*You meet people from the Internet in public and have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name
*That your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook
*You have an identity crisis if someone else is using an s/n close to your own
*You would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night online)
*You marry your cyber boyfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room
*You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time
*You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved
*You sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists
*You look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy
*You have withdrawals if you are away from the puter for more than a few hours
*You use Internet lingo in everyday life (if you still have one...hehehe)
*Your buddy list has over 100 people on it
*You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get on-line before you have your first cup of coffee
*You wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to sign on
*You don't know where the time has gone
*You end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil.
*Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had
*You get up at 2am to go the bathroom but go turn on your computer instead
*You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo
*When you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs}}} or ***Kisses***
*You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme
*Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n and I will TTYL"
*You type faster than you think
*Being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult
*You are on the phone for a min. and need to do something else you say "BRB" or "BBL" *You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say good-bye to everyone in a chat room.

 

[melody]

This fellow went to his doctor complaining that his asshole was
feeling terribly sore. The doctor asked him to drop his drawers
and bend over so he could take a look.

"This is amazing!" the doctor said, as he pulled a $20 bill from
the fellow's anus.

Another $20 bill appeared behind the first one, so the doctor
pulled it out, too.

And then another! And another! And many many more.

Finally, the doctor had pulled the last $20 from the guys ass.
He looked at the large pile of $20 bills on his desk, and began
to count them. (I sure hope that the doctor doesn't lick his
thumb when he counts money)

Finally the doc exclaimed, "There was $1980 stuck in your ass!"

And the fellow replied, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand!

 

[melody]

What did the hillbilly virgin say to her partner after her first
orgasm?
"Get off dad! You're crushing my Camels!"

==========

A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class.
The subject of the day was involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman, "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"
"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids."

==========

Here I sit in stinking vapor
Some son of a bitch used all the paper
The bus is comming
I cannot linger
So pucker up asshole here comes the finger

==========

Q: How can you tell that the letter you received came from a leper
colony?
A: Because there is a tongue stuck to the stamp.

Daffynition: Tampon - a beaver dam.

 

[melody]

Responses To Avoid When She Says, "Do I Look Fat In This?"

"Not to Stevie Wonder."

"Oh my god, yes. That's why I'm fucking your best friend."

"No way! You look *least* fat in that outfit!"

"I guess there's not much point in asking if you mean fat
with an f or phat with a ph."

"No hablo ingles."

"Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker,
so things balance out."

"No, but taking it *off* sure does."

"Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a
negative way on the comparison I am about to make ..."

"Not if you were traveling at the speed of light."

"Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."

"Let me jog around to your front and take a look."

"Shit! A talking couch!"

"May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"

 

[melody]

Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy.

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the
ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because
I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her
Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-
Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"

The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.

Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew
because he can mount and do me any day of the week."

Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more
high fives.

The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good,
but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."

The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a
soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"

The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"

 

[melody]

Man strikes again........

A man walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, 'Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?
'Are you nuts?!!!' she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the
corner before she does. 'Would you let me bite your
breasts for $1,000 dollars?' he asks again.
'Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?'
So the man runs around the next block and faces her
again. 'Would you let me bite your breasts just once
for $10,000 dollars?'
She thinks about it for a while and says, 'Hmmm, $10,000 dollars;
Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there.'
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her
blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the
world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and
starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing
them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are
you gonna bite them or not?'
'Nah, baba', says the man... 'Costs too much...'

 

[melody]

The Peanut and the accident

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing.

He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room. As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.

"So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A General Practitioner or a surgeon?"

"Well," says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."

 

[melody]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel,
did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel
answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and
stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

 

[melody]

Three guys are sitting in a bar having a few drinks together.
One guy says, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your wife wild?"
"Well," says the second guy, "After making love, I go out to the
garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and
sprinkle them all over her body. Then I blow them off with a
soft breath that drives her wild."
Next guy says, "After making love, I get some baby oil and
massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!"
Last guy says, "When me and the old lady are through,
I jump out of bed and wipe my cock on the curtain.
Drives her fucking nuts!"

 

[melody]

I became fully aware last night that I've been spending entirely too
much time with my computer. The first clue was when I noticed that my
right hand is now permanently cramped into the famous "Microsoft Mouse"
position.

The second hint was a little more tragic. As I lay in bed last night
looking at my wife, thinking how nice it would be to have sex with her,
I rested my hand upon her breast and gently cupped it (having no
choice, since my right hand is now permanently cramped).

I heard a soft moan, but moments later she relegated me back to my side
of the bed.

Alas, I had double-clicked her nipple

 

[melody]

Said an irate young whore in Hong Kong,
"I think you are utterly wrong
To say my vagina's
The largest in China
Just because of your mean little dong."

+++++

There was a young girl of Peru
Who had nothing whatever to do
So she sat on the stairs
and counted cunt hairs:
Four thousand - three hundred - and two.

 

[melody]

"This Partition Comes Out"

A carpenter gets called to do some work at the local house of ill
repute. The madam of the house explains that she wants him to build a
partition to divide one of the larger rooms into two smaller rooms.

The carpenter spends all day building the partition and when he's done
he gives the madam a bill for $300.

The madam smiles and says, "We usually pay all our bills around her in
trade."

"Sorry ma'am" replies the carpenter, "it's $300 cash or this partition
comes out"

"But you can have some fun with any girl here," explains the madam.
"That's worth more than $300"

"Sorry ma'am," replies the carpenter, 'it's $300 cash or this partition
comes out"

"But my girls can fulfill your every desire. Choose any girl you like."

The carpenter thinks a while and then says, "You said any girl I want.
Does that include you?"

The madam smiles seductively, "Why yes of course" and she starts to
disrobe.

Once she is naked on the bed the carpenter slowly and gently inserts his
thumb deep into her 'front opening'

She sighs and moans with pleasure.

Then the carpenter carefully inserts his middle finger deep into her
'rear opening'

The madam is writhing in ecstasy

Then the carpenter suddenly clamps his thumb and finger together and
says, "Like I was saying, it's $300 cash or this partition comes out"

 

[melody]

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.

"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

 

[melody]

One guy in the plane got up all of a sudden and shouted "HIJACK"

The passengers got scared and put their hands up.

From the other end someone shouted Hi John!

 

[melody]

Bad Day

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided
to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in
order to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of
a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at
noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates
of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly
said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me
how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor
apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked.
She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was
nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him.
My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out
onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging
off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well,
I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until
he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed
in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't
die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back
inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to
throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of
was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto
the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted
stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was
so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment.

Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion.
So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,"
and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said,
"Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your
day was like when you died."

"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going
to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor
apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot
of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my
stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and
accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to
catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.

But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of
his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers.
Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at
the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move,
and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his
REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the balcony. It falls
the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes
his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks
to himself.

"Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom
of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The
angel says, "Please tell me how you died."

The third man says,"OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding
inside a refrigerator...."

 

[melody]

Austin Powers Pick up lines...

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.

2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)....Let's get you out of
these wet clothes.

3. Nice legs...what time do they open?

4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my
package.

5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only
one talking to you.

8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed
Thrasher,have you seen one?

9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth
tonight.

10. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell
outta me.

11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I
could ride you all day long for a quarter.

12. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

13. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is
only a light switch away.

16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even
farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by
morning.

19. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

20. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

21. F@#! me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?

22. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my
bedroom floor.

23. My name is Austin ... remember that, you'll be screaming it
later.

24. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by
again?

25. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

26. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."

27. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to
you.

28. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want
to.

29. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you
been drinking?

30. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth,
I bet we could do it in public.

31. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you
like pizza?

32. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home
without me.

33. Do you sleep on your stomach? no..........? Can I???

34. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in
them.

35. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went
into this cheap motel room.