Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

Q. What's the difference between your grandmother's pussy and a bowling ball?
A. If you really HAD to, you could eat a bowling ball.

Q. Why do women have such a hard time peeing in the morning?
A. Ever try to pull apart a grilled cheese sandwic

Q. What's the difference between "like" and "love"?
A. It's the difference between "spit" and "swallow."

 

[melody]

What should a woman say as she guides her
lover's tongue toward her clitoris?
This bud's for you!

=====

His dick is most surely a dilly,
A grand and marvelous Willie.
His gal loves to give head,
But most often instead,
He ends by just screwing her silly.

=====

 

[melody]

Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as their
older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.

They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!"

The six-year-old says to his brother, "He must be fucking her up the ass!"

 

[melody]

Penis Woes

This guy was out hunting one day, he had all the gear, the jacket,
boots, and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a
fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right into his penis.

So, he went to the doctor and got put under the gas. When he woke up,
he found that the doctor had done a marvel job repairing it. When he was
ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. This is my brothers
card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him.
The guy says "Is your brother a doctor too?"

The doc replies "No, he plays the flute. He will show you where to put your
fingers so you don't piss in your eye!"

 

[melody]

Q: How many women does it take to paint a wall?
A: It depends on how hard you throw them

Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.

Q: How do you make a hormone
A: Kiss her pussy

 

[melody]

Did you hear about the new device that makes your
car run 95 percent quieter?
Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A Bingo Machine.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.

How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
Say, "Nice Dick"

How do you know when you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."

Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day,
What do single guys have? Palm Sunday

Why is being in the Military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel

What does a 85 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her Navel.

 

[melody]

The City Boy

There was a city boy who had just moved into the country.
He went walking around to check out his surroundings and found a farmer
selling chickens. The city boy went over to the farmer to see how much
he was selling them for.
The farmer asked him if he wanted a male or a female.
The city boy asked for both. So the farmer said,
"Here you go, one cock and one pull-it."

The city boy confused asked him what he meant.
The farmer said, "A cock is a male chicken and a pull-it is a female
chicken."
The city boy said, "Oh," and went on his way with two chickens one
under each arm.

A bit further down the road he saw a donkey for sale.
He went to the man who was selling it to find out how much it was.
The man said, "The ass is 15 dollars."
The city boy replied, "No, I want the donkey out side in your yard."
The man just said, "That's an ass."
The city boy, new to these terms, just said, "Oh." and bought the
donkey.

As he was leaving the man yelled out, "Wait, the ass gets a bit
stubborn about going over hills, so you have to scratch him behind the
ears to get him going again."
So the city boy is going back home and the donkey stops dead in its
tracks and he can't get it to move. He can't scratch its ear because he

would have to drop one of the chickens and it would run away.
So the city boy starts to fuss and yell at the donkey. While he is
doing this a beautiful women walks up and asks him if he needs help.
The city boy thinks, hey why don't I try to impress this beautiful
women by using my new slang terms that I learned today.
So the city boy turns to the woman and says,
"Yeah, could you hold my cock and pull-it while I scratch my ass?"

 

[melody]

Q. What's the main difference between fucking a regular woman and fucking a woman with
no arms?
A. When you fuck a woman with no arms and it pops out, you're the one who has to put it
back in.

Q. Did you hear about the new douche for women?
A. It's made of Pot, Arrid Deodorant, and Fried Chicken
It leaves you high, dry, and finger licking good!

=====

A married couple go to a marriage counselor to work out some problems.

The counselor sits them on the couch and says "For starters, lets talk about something you both have in common."

The husband says "Well, neither of us suck dick".

 

[melody]

Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole
as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.

They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!"

The six-year-old says to his brother, "He must be fucking her up the ass!"

 

[melody]

Q. What is black and sits at the top of a set of stairs?.
A. A quadraplegic in a house fire.
**
Q. What did the mongoloid say to his dog?
A. Downsyndrome!!
**
Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhea
**
Q: What's the definition of disgusting?
A: Stuffing a dozen oysters up Granny's cunt and sucking out 13.
**
Q. How do you cook vegetables in the microwave?
A. Take them out of their wheelchair.
**
Q. What's sicker than sick?
A. Masturbating with your grandma's ashes under your foreskin....
**
A guy rings work and says "I can't come in to work today as I`m sick"
The voice at the other end asks "How sick are you ??"
The guy says "Well I'm in bed fucking my daughter !!"
**
Q. What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm...
**
A quadruple amputee is waiting at the bus stop. The bus pulls up.
The driver says, "alright Jack, how you getting on today?"
**
Q. What's better than winning a gold medal at the Para-Olympics?
A. Having arms and legs.
**
Q: Who's always happier than a nerophiliac in a morgue?
A: A pedophile in charge of an orphanage!
**
Quit bitching about sucking my dick.
At least you don't have to worry about a dick bleeding in your mouth.
**
Q. What's the difference between acne and a catholic priest
A. Acne doesn't come over your face until your 13.
**
What are the three reasons that make anal sex better than vaginal sex?
It's warmer, it's tighter, and it's more degrading to the woman.

 

[melody]

He Said.....She Said

He said... Want a quickie?
She said...As opposed to what?
===
He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put
in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
===
He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I'd love you no matter who left you the
money.
===
She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
===
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to
you in the worst way.

She said...Well, you succeeded.
===
He said... 'If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then
we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house,
we could fire the maid as well.'

She said...'Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we
could do without the gardener too'
===
He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'

She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be a queen'
===
On wall in ladies room: 'My husband follows me everywhere'
Written just below it: 'I do not'
===
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?

She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
===
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway
light on.
===
He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said...I would, but you're never there.
===
He said... Every time women look at me, they can't help thinking
of sex.

She said...Yeah, 'cause you look like a prick.
===
He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"

She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart."

 

[melody]

Ok, it's official. I'm getting old.

The other day I was walking back to my car from the grocery store.
Coming into the store was this smoking hot 19, maybe 20 year old,
blonde. God, she was hot.

My thought? "I wonder what her mother looks like.

 

[melody]

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .

. . . you think a lavatory is a breed of dog.

. . . you’ve ever taken a date flowers you’ve stole from a cemetery.

. . . you’ve ever relieved yourself from a moving vehicle.

. . . you use old auto parts as a boat anchor.

. . . your pickup truck and wife are the same age.

. . . your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off.

. . . you’ve ever given livestock as a wedding present.

. . . you think safe sex means putting on the emergency brake.

. . . people hear your car a long time before they see it.

. . . your 23-channel CB radio is used to communicate with your family.

. . . your bridal veil was made of window screen.

. . . you call your boss “dude.â€

. . . you repaint your pink flamingo every spring... but not your house.

. . . you have ever carried leftovers home in your handbag.

. . . you think an oil change involves a comb and a bottle of Vitalis.

. . . you whistle to get the attention of your waiter or waitress.

. . . your college graduation ceremony includes parallel parking an 18-wheeler.

. . . you think ribs come from Europe.

. . . your toothbrush is a hand-me-down.

. . . the nearest liquor store is brewing in your basement.

. . . your Friday nights consist of lots of Budwieser and a mechanical bull.

. . . you have used a potato peeler to remove a corn.

. . . the Marlboro man is your idol.

. . . you see a sign that says “dip in road†and you stop to see what flavor it is.

. . . you think a canopy goes under the bed instead of over it.

. . . you’ve ever had a conversation about truck tires that lasted more than an hour.

. . . you’ve ever fished from over a fence.

. . . you have ever taken lawn furniture to a drive-in.

. . . your state senator is willingly photographed with no shirt and a leather vest on a Harley, but refuses to take a Breathalyzer test.

. . . you think virgin wool comes from ugly sheep.

. . . you keep catfish in your aquarium.

. . . you think truffles are a brand of potato chips.

. . . you’ve ever bought a used cap.

. . . you know all the verses to the “Hee Haw†song.

 

[melody]

Lil Johnny's Farts

Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly
letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she
insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little
Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm
very proud of that fact."
The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will
you stop?"
Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the
floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped
his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck
of dust off the paper.
The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and
farted but when she was done, and there was not a trace of chalk dust
left on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her
do it again.
She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny
peeked up underneath her skirt.
"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a
Double-Barrel!"

 

[melody]

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, are sitting,
people-watching, in a Catskill hotel lobby.

"You know, " says Ethel, "I've been reading this 'Sex and
Marriage' book and all they talk about is mutual orgasm. Mutual
orgasm here, mutual orgasm there, that's all they talk about.
Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever
have mutual orgasm?"

"No," says Mabel, "I think we had Allstate."

 

[melody]

A girl was about to see a gynecologist for the first time. She lay on the
couch, naked from the waist down, with the gynecologist looking at her.
"You're obviously a bit tense, Miss. Would you like me to Numb you down
there"

"Yes please doctor"

The doctor puts his head right on the girls crotch and as he shakes it from
side to side he says "num num num num num num"

 

[melody]

The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about
time that she understood the facts of life.
"Liza," she began, "I think it would be nice if we had a little chat
about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady's tummy
and..."
"It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom," interrupted the
daughter, "but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm."

 

[melody]

Why is having a good shit better than sex?
Because you don't have to kiss it afterwards

=====

Doug says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as
a substitute for women."
"Yeah? What happened?" asked Bill.
Doug replies,
"Well, I got my dick stuck in the neck of the bottle."

 

[melody]

Q. How do you re-fit an old whore?
A. Shove a five pound ham up her pussy and pull out the bone.

Q. What should you do if your epileptic grandma is having a seizure in the bathtub?
A. Throw in some Tide and a load of dirty clothes.

Q. How did the john know how many times his favorite whore had gotten fucked that night?
A. He drank her douche and counted the lumps as they went down.

 

[melody]

Sick On Mondays

So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says,
"You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays.
You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem?
Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I
don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and
then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure
she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing
leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm fucking her." The
boss says, "You fuck your sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was
sick."