Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

Signs You Might Be Gay


You wake up each morning and scratch someone else's balls.

You blow every paycheck on gerbils.

You get offended and/or turned on by the word "Fruit Loops."

Your fantasies include prison showers and dropped soap.

Anyone mentions "The Village People" and you think of your neighbors.

Your friends want to kill Richard Simmons. You'd rather paddle his cute
little ass.

You're best friends with the girl you took to your high school prom.

You think Pamela Anderson dresses nice.

You dress like Liberace on casual Fridays.

Your idea of "getting lucky" on the weekend is finding Ralph Lauren
sheets on sale.

You start to cry when your boss says you can't have the day off for your
birthday.

You don't know the score of the game last night, but you do remember
that the players had some of the roundest asses you've ever seen.

When someone asks you if you're a pitcher or a catcher, your first
thought isn't about baseball.

When you see a handsome police officer following you on the highway, you
speed up instead of slowing down.

You've wondered if Batman and Robin share a bedroom.

You noticed that Ricky Martin shaved his chest for his last video.

You're the one everyone turns to when they need someone to plan a
surprise party.

You can recite the next line of the following song: "The minute you
walked in the joint, I could see you were a man of distinction."

When viewing straight porn videos you watch the women give head and
think, "they're not doing that right."

 

[melody]

How do you keep a hard-on?
Don't fuck with it ...

He says ... I'm tired, I'm drunk, and I'm horny.
She says ... Get some sleep, get sober, and get a grip.

What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A rumor

How can you tell if a man is dead?
He stays stiff for longer than 2 minutes

 

[melody]

After Myrddin divorced his first wife, Gary came to visit him.

Gary asked, "Why is there a tampon on top of your TV?"

Myrddin replied, "It's there to remind me of the cunt who took my VCR."

 

[melody]

There was a young gypsy girl Rose
With obsessions for gentlemen's hose.
Up her pussy, her rear,
In her mouth and each ear
And her cute little freckle-tipped nose.


Marriage is like a bank account.
You put it in, you take it out.
You lose interest.


Husband ~ This coffee isn't fit for a pig!
Wife ~ No problem. I'll get you some that is.

 

[melody]

Sex is good
Sex is fine
Doggy style
Or 69.
Just for fun
Or getting paid
Everyone likes getting laid.​

 

[melody]

An eight year old boy comes home from school and says "Daddy! Daddy!
What is the difference between a pussy and a cunt?"

The dad says, "No, I can’t tell you that! You're too young!" The son
goes, "NO I'm not daddy! Please tell me."

So the father says alright and takes the boy into the bedroom. When they
walk into the room, the boys’ mother is fast asleep. So the dad pulls
back the covers, and like always, the mother is lying there without any
panties on. The father points in between her legs and says, "You see
that soft fluffy patch of hair? That's a pussy!" The son asks, "Oooo!
Can I pat it?"

The father replies, "NO! You'll wake up the cunt!"

 

[melody]

"That fucking jerk of a husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the
landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife
told a neighbor.

"You didn't do it, did you?"

"Yes, I did. What I haven't done, is tell my bastard husband the rent is
paid up for six months!"

 

[melody]

Suzy Is Bleeding

Suzy is sitting in class and she starts bleeding. She whispers her
problem to the teacher who tells her not to worry too much, just go home
right now, to her mother, and she will explain what happened.

On her way home she meets Little Johnny who has been cutting school.

Little Johnny asks Suzy "Where are you going?"

"I'm going home because I'm bleeding," says Suzy.

"Where ya bleeding?" asks Little Johnny.

So Suzy pulls down her blood soaked panties and shows him. Little Johnny
steps back in horror and says, "Who ripped your cock off?â€

 

[melody]

The eight qualities of a perfect husband ...
Brave
Intelligent
Gutsy

Polite
Energetic
Nutty
Industrious
Sensitive

And if all else fails, well ... read the RED :tongue:​

 

[melody]

THE WORD FUCK

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).

It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck"..

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

1. Greetings: How the fuck are ya?
2. Fraud: I got fucked by the car dealer.
3. Resignation: Oh, fuck it!
4. Trouble: I guess I'm fucked now.
5. Aggression: Fuck you!
6. Disgust: Fuck me.
7. Confusion: What the fuck.......?
8. Difficulty: I don't understand this fucking business!
9. Despair: Fucked again...
10. Pleasure: I fucking couldn't be happier.
11. Displeasure: What the fuck is going on here?
12. Lost: Where the fuck are we.
13. Disbelief: Unfuckingbeliveable!
14. Retaliation: Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial: I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity: I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy: Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?
18. Suspicion: Who the fuck are you?
19. Panic: Let's get the fuck out of here.
20. Directions: Fuck off.
21. Disbelief: How the fuck did you do that?


It can be used in an anatomical description- He's a fucking asshole.
It can be used to tell time- It's five fucking thirty.
It can be used in business- How did I wind up with this fucking job?
It can be maternal- Motherfucker.
It can be political- Fuck Dick Cheney!



It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:

What the fuck was that?
-Mayor of Hiroshima

Where did all these fucking Indians come from?
-General Custer

Where the fuck is all this water coming from?
-Captain of the Titanic

That's not a real fucking gun.
-John Len

Who's gonna fucking find out?
-Richard Nixon

Heads are going to fucking roll.
-Anne Boleyn

Let the fucking woman drive.
-Commander of Space Shuttle

What fucking map?
-Challenger, Mark Thatcher

Any fucking idiot could understand that.
-Albert Einstein

It does so fucking look like her!
-Picasso

How the fuck did you work that out?
-Pythagoras

-You want what on the fucking ceiling?
Michaelangelo

Fuck a duck.
-Walt Disney

Why?- Because its fucking there!
-Edmund Hilary

I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?
-Joan of Arc

Scattered fucking showers my ass.
-Noah

I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.
-John F. Kennedy-

 

[melody]

You Know You're A Mom When...


* Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor..... and you
don't care.

* When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room
together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.

* You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you,
and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you
locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

* Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking
bodily fluids on you.

* Popsicle's become a food staple.

* Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

* You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body
part it happens to be on.

* You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts
to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

* Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

* You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

* You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're
equal.

* You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

* You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

* Your kid throws up and you catch it.

* You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; but your child
chews his toast into the shape of a gun anyway.

* You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.

* You're up each night until 11 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing,
drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing,
ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers,
bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons,
folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing,
buckling, feeding (them, NOT you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football, catch,
bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping
rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening,
painting, and walking the dog.
You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go
to the bathroom, and yet ... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

 

[melody]

Sex is good
Sex is fine
Doggy style
Or 69.
Just for fun
Or getting paid
Everyone likes getting laid. :tongue:​

 

[melody]

Blind fold

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent
that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from
work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him
that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a
small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With
miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I
reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had
consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure
that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed
delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a
seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went
to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was
becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized
the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not
only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in
front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air
around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was
worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I
went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells
signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times
with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling
very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the
blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated
around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'

I fainted!!!!! !!!!!!!!!

 

[melody]

2O MORE WAYS MEN FAIL IN BED

TAKE NOTES, ALL YOU CASANOVAS....

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH: It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME: You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But, if you really don't know, don't ask.

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY: Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN: Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to- penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX: Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO: Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETTIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES: In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES: Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT: This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES: When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you? "she'll hear the words "to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH: Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINT HERS: There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES: If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE: Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES: It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS: Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY: It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES: You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER: Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER: Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

 

[melody]

How guys select the girl they want to marry


A man is ****** three women and wants to decide which to marry.

He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, purchases new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man.

She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man is impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.

She gets him a new set of STRONG golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market.

She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.

She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money.

Guess which lady he chose to marry?

Think like a man . . .

(scroll down for the answer)

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He married the most beautiful one!!!!!!​

 

[melody]

Customer care in 2030​

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh...,hold........ ..on..... .889861356102049 998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your
mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat
Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99"


Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing
loan,Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdrawsome cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your
daily limit on machine withdrawal today"
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash
ready.How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle.. ."
Customer: " What!"
Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,...registra tion number 1123..."
Customer: " ????"
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free
bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you'realso diabetic.... ... "
Customer: #$$^%&$@$% ^
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987
you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman... ?"
Customer: [Faints]​

 

[melody]

Cyril And Cecil

Two gay guys, called Cyril and Cecil naturally, are in a train compartment with just one other passenger, a City type reading his Daily Telegraph.
"Cecil?" asks Cyril. "Do you mind if I fart?"
Cecil replies, "Of course not, luvvy! Go ahead!"
And with that Cyril emits a "Pffffffffff!" like an emission of steam, barely audible.
A few minutes later Cecil asks, "Cyril? Do you mind I have a little farty poo?"
"No darling!" says Cecil.
And Cyril duly replies with a "Psssssssss!", a mere whisper in the air.
The City gent puts down his newspaper and says "I couldn't help overhearing you two chaps, but would you mind awfully if I had a fart?"
Cyril and Cecil reply "Don't be shy on our part, ducky!"
And with that the City gent lets out a"HRRRRRMPPPPPHHHHHHFFFFFFFF!", window-rattling, triple salko, 10 pints of Guinness and a vindaloo of a fart with possible follow through!
With that, Cyril turns to Cecil and says, "You can always tell a virgin!"

 

[melody]

How do you brainwash a blonde?
Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

***

WHY CAN`T BLONDES WATER-SKI?
When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.

***

If you think that sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.

***

How does a lesbian hold her liquor?
By the ears.

***

Q. How does an asthmatic lesbian breathe?
A. In snatches.

***

What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.

***

What do you call a jewish homosexual?
A Heblew

***

Did you hear about the gay bank robber?
He tied up the safe and blew the guard.

***

What were the two gays doing in the telephone box?
Ringing each other.

***

Two gay guys are in a bar and a beautiful blonde walks in wearing a tight t-shirt with no bra. "God, look at that," says one gay guy, "it's enough to make you want to be a lesbian."

 

[melody]

A West Virginia teeny bopper comes home from school and
asks, "Ma, is it true that babies come out of the place
boys put their wieners in?"

Ma replies,"Yep, sho' do."

Daughter says," Why Ma, is that why you are missin
yo' front teeth?"

=====

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

=====

The 3 tragedies in a man's life:
1- life sucks
2- job sucks
3- Wife does NOT!

=====

A guy races into the men's toilet, burns up to the urinal,
whips out his twelve inch dick and says with a sigh of relief,
"Phew, just made it."

The guy next to him looks over and says, "No Shit, can you
make me one too?"

=====

Johnson sees McGann in a bar.
He says, "I heard you buried your wife."
McGann says, "Had to. She was dead."

=====

Redneck Motto: Drink until she's beautiful, but if that doesn't work,
put a flag over her head and do it for your country.

What's the difference between a woman and a volcano?
A volcano never fakes an eruption.

Smoking a cigarette shortens your life by 14 minutes......
However, having sex lengthens it by 12 minutes ......
So smokers ... Screw! Screw for your lives!

=====

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as
his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the
horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad,
why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make
sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny,
looking
worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

 

[melody]

A very interesting Fact in the form of a Question:

How do Girls download Videos from Internet?​

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No offense meant !!! ​