Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

Chest Of Love

A wife wanted an expensive fur coat from the executive husband to celebrate
their Silver wedding anniversary.

The miser overbearing rich husband rejected the expensive but affordable demand, He said, "You grow the hair on your chest and I will give you fur coat to cover it."

The wife was out of control with anger. She pulls up her skirt, drops and throws her panties and pushes her hairy pubic area forward.

She said, "There! I have the hair on my chest, now buy me that damn coat!"

"That's not your chest, that is your p***y!" husband screamed back.

"Oh yes that is my chest all right" she yelled back.

"While we were ****** this was your chest of hope.

We got married and on our honeymoon you used to tease me it was your chest of pleasure.

Then I started bearing children and it became your chest of family, and damn it

"If you don't buy me that fur coat, it is going to be the community chest of public."

 

[melody]

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little

Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

 

[melody]

Doctor......

One day at TAN TOCK SENG HOSPITAL - Centre for Communicable Disease a man suspected of SARS is lying in bed with a mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse arrives to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr Kwan, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The Head Nurse was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.

"Nurse," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of long-standing, the Head Nurse was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pyjama trousers, moved his p***s out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with your testicles!!!"

At this, the man pulled off his mask and yelled, "I SAID... Are my TEST RESULTS BACK !!!"

 

[melody]

Taste test

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste)
of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to say:

Red................. ....Cherry

Yellow..................Lemon

Green...................Lime

Orange.................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.
After eating them, none of the children could identify the
taste.

"Well, she said, I will give you all a clue. It's
what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit out her
lifesaver and yelled, "Oh my God - they're assholes!"

 

[melody]

A little spicy


A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.

His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.

I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.

As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.

As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!

 

[melody]

Just look around before you laugh

A young woman several months pregnant boarded a bus.

She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing .... ........ ....She had him arrested.


When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She first sat under an advertisement,

Which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins' .

I was even more amused when she changed her seat and went to sit under a shaving advertisement,

Which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick '.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement,

Which read: ' Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

And The case was dismissed... .....!!!

 

[melody]

First taste of sex

A young man goes to a whorehouse to expierence his first taste of sex.

The madam suggests that he start with 69. He decides to give it a try.

The prostitute leads him to a room, gets undressed, and instructs the young man to eat her p***y. Unfortunately, just as he starts she farts.

The man quietly says to himself, "phew", but he goes down on her again.

A moment later she farts again. He says "phew", but continues.

Once more she farts. This time he immediately gets up and starts walking out. She asks him what's wrong, and he replies "I don't think I can take another 66 of those!"

 

[melody]

Virgin Husband

A very 'straight and honest' girl is going to Town. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice: "Daughter, when you're in Town and if you're looking for a match there, you must take note of the following the requirements mother set for you. You must find a man that is faithful', 'thrifty' and must be a 'virgin'.

With this advice from her mother, the girl went to Town. After some months later, she came home to get her mother's blessings to marry.

"Mother, I've met the my match following your instructions. My future husband is faithful because when we went out for holiday one day, he took care of me specifically even though there were so many prettier girls around. Isn't that being faithful?"

Her mother nodded in agreement.

"Then, since the day was getting late in the night and rain was pouring, my boyfriend decided that we stay the night at a hotel. He also suggested that in order not to spend too much, they'll share one room only. Isn't he not thrifty guy?"

For the second time her mother nodded her head in agreement, but with a little concern.

"And finally mum..., I know he is a virgin"

"How did you know he is still a virgin?" The mother asked with repidition. "MMM...his 'that one' is still new and hard....all wrapped up in plastic, mum!"

 

[melody]

Hot & Cold Sex

An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact I do," said the man, "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor, "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh, that old buzzard," she replied, "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time in December."

 

[melody]

Frustrated Wife

After less than a year of marriage, this lady was becoming more and more frustrated. Her husband worked very long hours and was no longer interested in Bonking. Plucking up her courage, and with a few stiff drinks inside her, she visited a sex shop.

"Hello, I'm very embarrassed about this. My husband doesn't make love to me. You sell 'Sex Dolls', I'm here because I'm interested in buying one. You know ... one with a BIG Dick - for me."

The shop assistant was taken aback. In front of him was a lady - about 22 years old, 38 DD bust and a figure he would have crawled over a kilometre of broken glass to buy a coffee for.

"Well Miss - or Madam," he took another breath. "Frankly, we don't get much call for that sort of thing. However, we do have three models in the back room."

Jane looked him directly in the eye and smiled, "Tell me about them!"

"Well," the man replied, "I'm sure you won't like our first model. It's called 'The Soccer Player'. Don't get me wrong; it's very nice. Powerful legs, cute butt - but it does tend to 'dribble' a lot."

Jane wasn't exactly delighted about this, "Well, No. Not interested in that! What else you've you got?"

"Well, " came the reply, "We also have The Aussie Cricketer. Listen, I must me fair with you. This is a great model, big ... well, Ummm huge, in the right places, but ... "

"Yes !?!" gulped Jane, with eyes like dinner plates.

"Once it's in - It's almost impossible to get it out. Frankly, we've only sold two of these in the last four years"

"Don't want THAT," replied Jane. "You said you have three models. What's left?"

"I hesitate to even talk about this," answered the shop assistant. "It's called 'The Santa Claus' Model."

"What do you mean, The Santa Claus model?" replied Jane.

"Well," answered the shop assistant. He took a deep breath. "This model only comes once a year and when it does - it fills up BOTH your stockings !"

 

[melody]

Safe Sex

A man and wife having finished foreplay when she asks the dreaded question, "Darling would you use a condom?"

Reluctantly he leaves the bed, goes to the dresser and fetches one, is putting it on when he sees the bedroom door open and his seven-year-old boy is saying goodnight to his mother. Mom has pulled the covers over her head and pretends to be sleeping.

Dad with nowhere to hide falls to the floor on all fours and tries to cover-up as best as he can.

The boy looks at Dad and asks, "Goodnight Dad. Uhh what are you doing?"

Dad says, "Ohh ahhh Just looking for a mouse."

The child says, "Oh Cool!! When you catch him, what are you going to do, f**k him?"

 

[melody]

Personal Question

A shy, drunken, innocent young man walked up to a beautiful young blonde in a pub and said, "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"

"Yes I do," replied the beautiful blonde, "But go ahead, as I'm sure you're going to ask me anyway."

"OK," said the shy, drunken, innocent young man, "How many men have you slept with?"

"That's my business!" snapped the blonde.

"Oh, right!" said the bloke, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it!

 

[melody]

Peeing Problem

A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him.

The newcomer asks, "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?"

The man replies, "I am waiting to see the doctor."

"W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?"

The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem.

"A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?"

"Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk."

 

[melody]

We are the best of friends!

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."

 

[melody]

Mental Hospital

A mental hospital was critically overcrowded. The doctor decides to get all the patients seated in one large room to conduct a test to see how many they discharge that day.

At the front of the room the Doctors took some chalk and drew a full size door on a Blackboard and offered an ice cream to any patient who could open the door.

There was a mad rush for the door with the patients scratching a clawing at the door and the handle.

The doctors were disappointed, until they noticed a single patient who remained in his chair and was quietly chuckling to himself as he watched his fellow patients.

Encouraged that at least one patient could be discharged today, the doctors asked him why he wasn't trying to open the door.

The patient, who could no longer contain his laughter, shouted, "I've got the key!"

 

[melody]

Wet dreams!!!

A patient complained to a doctor that he wetted his bed every night.
"Before it happens, do you see any dreams?" the doctor said.
"Yes, doctor. Usually I see a dream in which a small demon comes and says, 'Let's pee."
"OK," the doctor said. "Next time you see the demon, say, "No, we've already peed."
Next time the patient came to the doctor, the latter asked, "So? Did you do as I said?
"Yes, I did."
"Did it help?"
"Yes, doctor. Only, it made the matter worse."
"How?"
"As I said 'We've already peed,' the demon nodded and said, 'Then, let's s**t a little."

 

[melody]

The health minister is visiting a psychiatric ward. He asks the head of psychology, "How do you determine if a patient is cured."

The psychologist explains:

"We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub."

"I see," says the health minister, "the cured person would choose the cup because it`s bigger, and would empty the tub faster."

"Actually no," replies the psychologist, "a normal person would simply pull the plug."

 

[melody]

Blow the safe!

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail.
The robbery begins. Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffie, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," said Buffie. Buffie goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car.
One minute passes . . . Two minutes pass . . . Seven minutes pass . . . and Judy is really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffie. She`s got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.
The guard`s pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Judy says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"
Buffie said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," said Judy. "I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

 

[melody]

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbour owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up.What should I do?" "Do you have any proof?", asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1,000 he owes you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500!" replied the man. "Precisely, that's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need," said the lawyer.


The professor of a Contract Law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was outraged."No! No! Think like a lawyer!" The student then replied, "Ok. I will tell him - "I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before and hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding.


A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognised the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." A few days later the butcher received a cheque in the mail for for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read : 'Legal Consultation Service: $150.


The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with Honours, and then went home to join his father's legal firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, you know what, in one day I managed to solve the accident case that you've been working on for 10 years!" His father responded : " You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for 10 years!"

 

[melody]

DAILY TALKING BY STREET


Viagra Life is: For people who only want to masturbate.


Did you hear about the midget that overdosed on Viagra?
He's a little stiff now.


Scientists have just released Viagra in the form of eye drops. Apparently it does nothing for your sex life
but it makes you look really hard.


What do the vacuum "dirt devil" and Viagra have in common?
They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand


What are the advantages of having an affair with a married woman?.
They give like hell.They do not yell. They do not tell. They do not swell and there are no wedding bells!


What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
Goes-in-tight!


Have you heard about the brown nosed duck?
He could fly just as fast as the other ducks, but couldn't stop as fast.


Why was the two-piece bikini invented?
To separate the meat section from the dairy section


What do you call a 400 lb woman who likes to have sex with men and women at the same time?
A bisexual built for two.


What does a bungee jumper and a gay guy have in common?
If the rubber breaks they are both in deep shit!