Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[sakuraguy]

IN THE SERVICE


A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.

"Yes, I was a Marine," responded the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."

"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."

 

[sakuraguy]

THE WORLD'S GREATEST IDIOTS


Q: How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
A: Give him a piece of paper with "Please turn over" written on both sides.

* * *

An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer,
"I think I'm planting them too deep."

* * *

Q: How do you confuse an idiot?
A: Give him two spades and tell him to take his pick.

* * *

Did you here about the idiot who won the 'Tour De France'?
He did a lap of Honour!

* * *

Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer?
He fell in the sink!

 

[melody]

nice one mel and SG!!! keep it on!!!

thanx..
it will flow 4ever..

 

[melody]

MODERN WIVES


These are the type of women we should be marrying....Mordern women - so says the men?

It is a myth that when a son gets married and a new daughter-in-law arrives in the family, everything changes.
Some daughters-in-law are well trained and well mannered....They don't come to change the family, they are here to... (READ ON!)

The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a speech;
"My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family, firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine ."No, I will never do that, never in a million years."

"What do you mean my child?" asked the father-in-law.
"What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws);

Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked should not stop at my account, AND
Those who used to clean should continue cleaning!!!

"And what are you here for?" enquired the mother-in-law.

"AS FOR ME, I'M HERE JUST TO ENTERTAIN YOUR SON!!!!!"

http://img264.imageshack.us/img264/4789/mwhh4.gif

 

[melody]

You have to watch the guy on the left, NOT THE GIRL!!!


http://img509.imageshack.us/img509/5892/fjyu1.gif

 

[melody]

Secret of Success​

Sir, " What is the secret of your success?" a reporter asked a bank President.

"Two words."

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"And how do you make right decisions?"

"One word.'

"And, sir, What is that?"

"Experience. "

"And how do you get Experience?"

"Two words"

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Wrong decisions." ​

 

[melody]

An office manager was given the task of hiring an Individual to fill
a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four
people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask
them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would
get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table
the interviewer asked: "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man (A WHITE MAN), on his right, the man
replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's
on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked the second man (A INDIAN MAN). "Hmm .....
let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever
happened.

A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye .....that's a very
popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to the third man (A COLOURED MAN) who was
contemplating his reply." Well, out at my dad's FARM, you step out of
the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch
& way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than
an ant. TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of. "The
interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" He said.

Turning to the fourth and final man (A BLACK MAN), the interviewer
posed the same question. It's obvious to me that the fastest thing
known is DIARRHOEA." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the
response. "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other
day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I
could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already kakked in my pants!"

HE GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!

 

[melody]

A Really Bad Day


There was a guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me.

When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing.

I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.

And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

 

[melody]

Hallmark Cards .. Inside - Outside .. funny!


1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me ..

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

6. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

7. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

8. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often .

9. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

10. Looking back over the years that we have been together, I can't help but wonder.....
(Inside card) - What the hell was I thinking

11. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

12. Thank you for being part of my life.....
(Inside card) - I never knew what evil was until I met you!

13. Congratulations on your wedding day!
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

14. How can I say this....
(Inside card) - Your cooking kills me

15. Hooray.....
(Inside card) - You're divorced.

16. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened...
(Inside card) - Especially since you survived.

17. Congrats on getting married...
(Inside card) - It's not everyday you decide to ruin your life.

18. Someday I hope to marry...
(inside card) - Someone other than you.

19. We have been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

 

[melody]

Missing Wife

A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing."

The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"

"A month."

"Why did you wait so long to report it?"

"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn't have any clean clothes to wear."

 

[melody]

I don't need light

Santa and Banta decide to apply for jobs at a mine that had opened nearby. After sitting in the waiting room for a while, Banta gets called in for his interview.

The boss asks Banta if he had worked underground mines before? Banta says that he had.

The boss asks him how deep under ground he worked?

Banta says, "Oh, about 8 to 10 feet."

The boss says, "Mines are a lot deeper than that, get out of here - you're no miner!"

On his way out, Banta tells Santa to tell the boss that he worked real deep underground so he could get the job. Santa gets called in.

The boss asks Santa if he had worked underground mines before?

Santa says, "Oh sure."

The boss asks how deep underground he worked.

Santa says, "I used to work in a mine 20,000 feet underground. "

The boss says, "20,000 feet, Wow! That is incredible!, "What kind of lights did you use in a mine so deep underground? "

Santa says, "Oh, I didn't need a light, I worked on the day shift!"

 

[melody]

I need a promotion!!!!??....

Hi Boss


People who do lots of work...
make lots of mistakes


People who do less work...
make less mistakes


People who do no work...
make no mistakes


People who make no mistakes...
gets promoted


That's why I spend most of my time
sending e-mails & playing games at work


I need a promotion!!!

 

[melody]

Spaceman

American Spaceman is called Astronaut
Russian Spaceman is called Cosmonaut
Chinese Spaceman is called Taikonaut
Malaysian Spaceman is called Can-or-naut (Not)!!


Dr. Mahathir was thinking about sending a Malaysian into space.
Three potential can-a-nauts were called for an interview - one
Indian, one Malay and one Chinese.

Dr. Mahathir interviews the Indian first: "So, Muthu, this is a
dangerous mission.

How much do you think you should be paid?
"Muthu replied: "One million ringgit."

"Why so much?" asks Dr. Mahathir.

"Very dangerous mission, Datuk. Maybe I no come back!" replied
Muthu.

"That's understandable," says Dr. M. "Thank you...
Please ask the Malay guy to come here."

So the Malay walks up, and is asked the same question.

Alamak, 2 million ringgit only lah Datuk," replied the Malay
candidate.

"Two million? That's twice as much!
Even that Anneh (Bro in tamil) before you asked for only one
million."

"You see, Datuk," explains Mat. "I have 4 wives and 15 children
....
With so many of us, it is a big family to leave behind when I
am gone..!"

"I see," says Dr. M. "Okay, can you ask that Chinese guy to
come then?"

The Chinese guy comes in and Dr. M asks, "Ah Chong, as you
heard,
This is a very risky mission, how much do you want?"

Ah Chong smiles for a while, and says, "3 million linggit only
loh Latuk."

Mahathir appears shocked. "What??? 3 million! Why so much?"

Ah Chong beckons Dr. M to come closer, where-upon he quietly
whispers into his ear, "Latuk, one million you keep, one million I
keep, and then one more million to send that Anneh into space!"

 

[melody]

Customer is always right

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account."

The astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no fuckin problem," the man says. I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my fuckin money in this damn bank."

"I see," says the manager, "and is this b***h giving you a hard time?"

 

[melody]

25th Wedding Anniversary

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding
Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the
hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a
very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you
were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for
'Bambi' to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open
just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi
walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the
range of $25."

Bambi laughed derisively, "You must really be a hick if you
think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I
just can't believe it!"

George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat
dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind
George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get
for $25?"

 

[melody]

Safety's sake

A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.

"Honey?"

"Yes, darling?"

"Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist
in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip?
You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful."

"Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly.
"It's just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases
out there, it would make me feel better to know that if any-
thing did happen, you'd be protected. So please, darling, take
it with you, won't you? For my peace of mind?"

"Oh, alright, if you put it that way," he relented. "I'll do it
for you. But for safety's sake, give me more than one."

 

[melody]

NO CHANCE

A women without arms or legs is sitting on a beach weeping. A guy walks by and asks her what''s wrong.

She says, "I''ve never been kissed before." The man feels sorry for her and gives her a long passionate kiss and starts to walk away.

As he''s walking he hears her start crying again so he goes back and asks her what''s wrong now. She says, "I''ve never had sex before."


The man sweeps her up in his arms, looks into her eyes,
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
and tosses her into the water yelling, "You''re screwed now!!"

 

[melody]

Hooker In Training

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.
She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy and tell him it'll be a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?"

She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says, "s**t. All I've got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

Harry says, "A handjob."

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says, "Okay."

She gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a HUGE P***S.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?"

 

[melody]

Brothel Arrest

A young woman was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, didn't want her grandmother to know. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young woman.

The police had the all the prostitutes line up in a straight line on the sidewalk, just as grandma was passing by. As soon as she noticed her granddaughter, she stopped and asked her what she was lining up for.

Not wanting her grandmother to know the truth, the granddaughter told grandma that someone was passing out free oranges and she was lining up for some.

"That sounds good. I think I'll have some too," Grandma said, as she made her way to the back of the line.

A policeman went down the line, questioning all the prostitutes, until he reached grandma. Looking very bewildered, he said to her, "You're so old, how do you do it?"

"It's easy," replied Grandma. "I just remove my dentures and suck them dry!"

 

[melody]

Nudist colony

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half of the picture.

He is really worried when he realizes that he has sent the wrong half. But then he remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says:

"Thank you for the picture. You should change your hair style... it makes your nose look too short."