JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Hillbillies

A typical family of hillbillies, Paw, Maw, Jethro and little Sally.

One day, Jethro asked, "Paw, what is Sex?"

Paw says, "Since you are a big boy I will show you."

Paw hollers, "Maw get yourself in here!" Paw then says,"Maw, take your clothes off and get on the bed. Now spread your legs."

Paw says,"Jethro see that thar little hole? Now watch this!"

In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims, "What is going on? "

Jethro answers, "Paw is teaching me about sex."

Little Sally asks, "What is Sex?"

Jethro replies, "See that little hole on Paw? Now watch this!"

=====

Little Bo Peep, has lost her sheep,
And doesn't know where to find 'em...
But a search revealed,
They were out in the field,
With Little Boy Blue behind 'em.

=====

A guy walks into a sleazy bar orders a drink and after a while he tells the barmaid, “you should get your belly button pierced.”

She says; “why would I want to do that?” And he says it’s a great place to hang an air freshener.

 

[melody]

A Traveling Salesman

A traveling salesman, out on the road for two months, was beginning to feel lonely and horny.

He stopped in at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender what men did for fun around here.

The bartender told him to go to room at the top of the stairs and wait for Vanessa.

He did. Soon the door opened to reveal the most beautiful black woman he had ever seen.

"Hi, I'm Vanessa, and I'm $20," she said. Much to his dismay the salesman had only $18, which he promptly offered. "Vanessa does not lower her standards for anyone," she said. "I'll send up Angela."

A few minutes later a beautiful white woman appeared, took his money and treated him to a wonderful evening of sucking and fucking.

Twenty-five years later, while on vacation, the salesman found himself in the same bar, talking to the same bartender. "Bet you don't remember me," he said.

"Sure I do," replied the bartender. "You're the guy that knocked up Angela 25 years ago. That's your son at the end of the bar. He's been in every night for ten years, hoping to meet his daddy.

The salesman went over to the boy and said, "Son, I think I may be your daddy."

The boy said, "Great! What is my last name?"

"Bardowski," the salesman said.

"Oh, no," said the boy, "you mean that I waited ten years to find out that I'm Polish?"

"Hey, kid," the salesman said, "it could've been worse. Two dollars more and you'da been black too!"

 

[melody]

Testosterone

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls."

=====

A girl goes to the gynecologist for the first time. She's up in the stirrups, and the doctor notices she's trembling. He says: "You're nervous, aren't you?"
"Yes, it's my first visit to a gynechologist."
"Would you like me to numb you down there?"
"Oh, yes please."
He sticks his face between her legs and goes: "Num, num, num . . ."

 

[melody]

Label Instructions

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.


On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)


On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)


On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

 

[melody]

Blind ****** Dictionary - What It Really Means


Most bachelors have been the victims of a blind date. Numerous well meaning friends and relatives are always willing to "fix up" unsuspecting bachelors with girls whom they describe as "perfect for you."

However, from the description given, it is difficult to imagine what these girls may be like.

After considerable research, as a public service, I have attempted to translate some of these descriptive phrases into plain English:


Dandy little house keeper:
She has been married three times and kept all the houses.


Fine character:
She's ugly.


Knows how to handle money:
She's a spendthrift and great at spending yours.


Spotless reputation:
She's ugly.


Strong family ties:
She's a Mafia Princess.


Loves children:
She's pregnant and needs a husband.


Wonderful personality:
She's fat.


Great sense of humor:
She's fat and will laugh at anything you say.


The outdoor type:
She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, and shaves just like
the guys.


Ready to settle down:
She's thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to marry.


Likes to have a good time:
She gets drunk a lot.


Lots of fun at parties:
Often makes an ass of herself.


Mature woman:
She's at least thirty but looks at least forty-five.


Has the appearance of a young school girl:
She's at least thirty-three but dresses like a teenager.


Casual:
She dresses like a slob.


Decorated her own place:
Her apartment resembles a pig sty.


A great dancer:
She'll wear the soles right off your shoes.


Not overly emotional:
She cries only twenty-seven times a day.


Doesn't chase men:
She's more of a mousetrap or a black widow spider type.


Seldom dates:
She's a lesbian who needs a male escort for something.


Understands men:
She's been married and divorced four times.


A good sport:
She knows two hundred jokes and can drink you under the table.


Looks and dresses like a model:
She's five eleven and weighs seventy three pounds.


Been in show business:
She's a former porn movie star.


Traveled a lot:
She's searched high and low for a husband.


Knows a lot of interesting people:
None of whom would marry her.


Wonderful disposition:
She's ugly.

 

[melody]

Erotic Correction

Jenny taught erotic correction,
Told her student "To get an erection,
Put your dick in my mouth,
Move it north, move it south,
Now, you're getting a sense of direction!"

Her instructions were very explicit,
And more than a little illicit:
"Please fill up my cunny,
With fresh clover honey,
And butter my buns like a biscuit."

"Then wrap me up nice in a blanket,
And I'll sit on your staff while you crank it.
I'll put on some feathers,
And laces and leathers,
And wiggle my ass while you spank it."

"Now that your fingers are stinky,
Tie me up in some chains that are clinky...
Bring in some goats and a sheik,
Give my big titties a tweak,
And now, we can start getting kinky!"

"Forget what the chain and the whip meant,
Get the straps and the slings and a shipment
Of high-grade Vaseline,
And a strong trampoline,
And all of that other equipment!"

"Now, when we get the bedsprings a strummin',
That's when I'll start in a hummin',
Then quickly, my dear,
Put it into my ear,
So I can hear the sound of it comin'!"

"I don't know how much this is costing,"
Said her student, still covered with frosting,
"But I can say with affinity,
That I've lost my virginity...
Quite frankly, my dear... you're exhausting!"

 

[melody]

A bartender is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door.
When he answers, a tramp says: "can I have a toothpick?"
He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.
A few minutes later there is a second knock.
When he answers, there is a second tramp who says: "can I have a toothpick?"
He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third tramp. The bartender says,
"Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."
"No, a straw," says the tramp.
The landlord hands him a straw and says, "why do you want it?"
Says the tramp: "Some guy just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already."

=====

This guy was on a hot date, and after well and truly fucking this sweet thing, she turned to the guy and said, "Wasn't it a bit presumptuous to think that I would let you fuck me on the first date?"
To which the bloke responded, "Presumptuous? Now that's a big word for a 7 year old!"

 

[melody]

Seductively

A pretty woman goes up to the bar and gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.
She seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"No."
"Can you get him for me?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender, clearly aroused, "is there anything I can do?"
"Please give him a message for me," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What message?" croaks the bartender.
"Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies' room."

=====

There is a guy at the bar and he's feeling low. He walks in and he sits down next to a man with leprosy, who also had his share of bad luck. The young man says to the bartender, "Gimme a beer," so, he gets one. He drinks it fast, and runs and throws up. The guy with leprosy says, "If I make you that uncomfortable, well, I will leave , OK?" The other guy says, "No, you ain't making me sick, it's the guy behind you. He's dipping his nachos into your back!"

 

[melody]

Little Johnny And Susie

Every day Little Johnny went to the park and sat
On the park bench to watch the squirrels climb
The tree.

One day while Little Johnny was sitting on the park
Bench, Susie walked by and unzipped Little Johnny's
Fly.

He went home and told his mother about it and she said,
"Tell the little girl not to do that again because you
Have a mouse in your pants."

The following day Little Johnny was sitting there and
Susie did the same thing again. As his mother told him,
Little Johnny exclaimed "Don't do that because I have
A mouse in my pants."

At that remark, Susie lifted her skirt and said,
"Go get 'em Pussy.

=====

Q: What has six legs and eats pussy?
A: You, me and Ellen Degeneres.

Q: What is worse than a dead dog on your piano?
A: An infected pussy on your organ.

Q: Why does a man have a hole in his penis?
A: To get some air to his brain.

=====

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A & M University, has
invented
a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples

from pushing through the fabric of their clothing when cold weather
sets
in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men
took
Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

 

[melody]

Male Bashing

If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in
convenience stores and drive-through windows.

Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all
their decisions.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.

Why do men like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.

How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.

What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A.So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
B.So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take
them around the block.

Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
To keep the swelling down.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."

How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A.One - men will screw anything.
B.One - men will screw up anything.
C.Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

What do men and beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who knows? - did it ever happen??

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or
extremely small.

What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

 

[melody]

1st Date

A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given some word of advise and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;

1.) kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel,

2.) or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter, and

3.) never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it."

The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back. "How was it?" asks mom.

"Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!"

"Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"

"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!"

"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?"

"Not exactly mom, see it was like that.

First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said, and he stopped.

Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said, and he stopped.

Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part, and I told him what you said, and he then took his hands out and said; "What a coincidence, I happen
to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would love to put it in your "Grill" to cook!!""

"WHAT?!?" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to the others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?"

"Well, not really mom. You see, he promised to be careful and was very careful not to "burn" his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me "taste it" to see if it was cooked or not."

=====

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!

 

[melody]

Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems
at home and were giving each other the
silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM
for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence
(and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up,
only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why
his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said,
"It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

=====
Q) Whats warm and soft, when you go to bed, and hard, and stiff in the morning
A) Vomit

Q) Why do women have foreheads?
A) So men have a place to kiss them after a Blowjob

Q) Why did the guy buy his wife, a coat and a dildo for her birthday?
A) He figured if she dont like coat, she could go fuck herself

 

[melody]

A Man's Penis

A man walks into his doctors. The doctor asks the man why he is there.
He
replies, "It's my penis, I would like you to take a look at it."

The doctor says, "Very well then, if you get up onto the bed and get it
out I'll have a look for you."

The man jumps up onto the bed and produces a 12-incher from his
underpants. After about five minutes examining it, the bemused doctor
says, "I have to say, I can't see anything wrong with it."

To which the man replies, "I know, it's a fucking beauty, eh?!"

=====

Three friends were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Arthur said: "I'd like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine leader and a great family man."

Daniel commented: "I'd like them to say I was a wonderful example and the kind of person who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Don said: "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

 

[melody]

Tiny Miserable Baby

A woman marched into the doctors office with a tiny miserable baby that
was howling at the top of its lungs and demanded," Do something about this baby".
After a quick examination, the doctor realized the baby was
malnourished. He's obviously not getting enough milk," he said
sternly. "is he being breast fed?"
"Yes," replied the woman.
"Then the milk supply isn't adequate. Please take your blouse off."
The woman obliged, and the doctor proceeded to give her a very thorough
breast exam, kneading, rubbing, massaging, and sucking each breast at some length.
Finally, perplexed, he announced that he could see why there was a
problem. "You aren't producing any milk at all."
"Of course not," she responded." It's my sister's kid,"
"Why on earth did you come?" asked the doctor in amazement.
"I didn't," she replied, "until you started sucking on the other tit

=====

This guy was working on his car when he got gas on his hand and arm. As he was driving to the Auto Shop to get some more parts, he lit a match, his arm then caught on fire and in a panic he quickly rolled down the window and stuck his arm out to extinguish the flame. The police pulled him over for an illegal use of a firearm.

 

[melody]

Facts Of Life

A father was explaining the facts of life to his son. After covering

the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of lovemaking:

Father: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say

different things during the act, even if you are doing the same thing.

Son: What do you mean, Dad?

Father: Well, for example, their words will vary according to their
occupation.

For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?"

On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?"

Son: What do other women say?

Father: Well, a school teacher will say, "We are going to do this over

and over again until you get it right!"

A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit."

Son: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over."

Father: That's male nurses. Moving on, a bank teller will say,

"Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."

A stewardess will say, "Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe

normally."

Son: And what does mother say?

Father: She says, "Beige... beige... I think we should paint the

ceiling beige."

=====

Q. What's the difference between spit and swallow?
A. Forty pounds of pressure on the back of her head.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with a light on.

Q. How do you know when there's a gay president in the White House?
A. All the cigars taste like shit.

 

[melody]

The Baby's Name

A young girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off."

So off she went. After a little while at the party, boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her.

She asked him,

"What will our baby be called?"

The boy found some excuse and disappeared.

Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders...

She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him,

"What will our baby be called?"

He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off.

"What will our baby be called?" she asked once more.

He began to have sex with her.

"What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.

After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one...
David Copperfield!"

=====
There once was a girl named Louise,
Who's pubic hair hung to her knees,
The crabs came together,
And knitted a sweater,
So in winter her cunt would not freeze!

 

[melody]

Pelvic Examination


A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination.

She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room.

Doctor instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

As he is examining her she hears him saying "mmmm... mmmhmmm".

He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done.

In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments.

"Oh, that" he says." I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice."

The young woman proudly smiled and replied, "Why thank you! I have a woman come in twice a week and clean it!"

=====

It seemed all was well for old Bill
For the night was romantic and still.
She was warm, she was waiting,
She was ripe for the mating
But alas--she was not on the pill.

 

[melody]

Fuller Brush Man


A young wife was at home waiting for her husband to get off work when the doorbell rang. It was the Fuller Brush Man with her order from the week before. She told him, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom."

They made their way back to the bedroom and started fucking. About the time that the Fuller Brush Man popped his nuts, there was a knock on the door. The wife said, "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!"

The guy crawled underneath the bed and the wife went to the door. It was the delivery boy from the grocery store with her grocery order. She said, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom."

Again, while the wife was fucking the delivery boy and he was cumming, the doorbell rang. The wife exclaimed, "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!" So he crawled under the bed.

At the door, it was the delivery boy from the drug store with her order. She said, "I don't have any money, but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom." They started fucking and just when the boy shot his wad, there was another knock on the door.

It was the insurance man who had come to collect the weekly payment. The wife said, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom".

They went back to the bedroom and starting getting it on and had just finished when the doorbell rang. "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!", said the wife. So, he got underneath the bed.

At the door was the coal truck driver with a load of coal for the furnace. He was a black man, unlike the crackers before him. The wife told him, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom".

They went back to the bedroom and consummated the agreement the wife had made. While the coal man was getting off, the doorbell rang again. The wife said, "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!"

She went to the door, sweaty and smelly and cum dripping from her cooze, and this time it WAS her husband. He came in and sniffed the funky smells in the air, and shouted at her, "Damn you! You been fuckin' somebody else again! I told you I was gonna pull all the hairs out of your cunt, one by one, if I ever caught you fuckin' again. Back to the bedroom and lay on the bed, bitch!"

They went to the bedroom and he threw her on the bed and started pulling hairs out of her pussy. As we know, it was pretty crowded underneath the bed but the ones who were there remained silent while the wife screamed at each pull of a hair. The husband finally had pulled all the hairs out except for one. He just couldn't get the last hair pulled out and he screamed, "Come on out of there, you kinky curly little bastard!"

With that, the coal driver stuck his head out from under the bed and said, "hey, there are fo white gentlemans before me."

 

[melody]

Buying Condoms

A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms, and a sales girl approached him.

Sales girl: Can I help you, Sir?

Young man: Yes, I want to buy some condoms.

Sales girl: What size do you need, Sir?

Young man: I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size I would need.

Sales girl: May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need?

As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance: "Give me a SMALL one... Wait! Make it MEDIUM...Wait! Make it LARGE... Shit! Give me a TISSUE !!!"

=====

How is a blonde like peanut-butter?
They spread for the bread

What do you call a blonde on a waterbed?
Cherry Float.

What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
An air bag.

 

[melody]

Public Swimming Pool

A young man in a public swimming pool was startled when his swimsuit fell off.

He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how desperately he looked.

Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried to figure out what to do.

As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that he now sported a raging hard on.

Finally, he struck up a course of action. He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog! Mad dog!"

Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty redhead took a more direct course of action.

She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch before it gets away!"

=====

Two morons went hunting in the woods. Before long, however, they realized that they had no idea how to get back to civilization.

"Not to worry," one of them said. "When you're lost, all you have to do is fire three shots into the air." So they did, and waited.

An hour later they did it again and still, no one came.

Finally they decided to try a third, one man said to the other. "These are our last three arrows."