JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

A Midget

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet
tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they
went back to the tall woman's apartment.
"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said
the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."
"Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs
apart and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd
ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had
climaxed eight times.
"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk,
"Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

=====

A lady called a music store about a recording, but dialed wrong and
connected with an auto mechanic instead. She asked, "Do you have two
lips and seven kisses?"
He said, "No..But I have two balls and seven inches."
She responded, "Is that a record?"
He said, "No...But it's a damn good average"

 

[melody]

Last Longer

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it. "He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

=====

I sat by the Duchess for tea,
And she asked, " Do you fart when you pee?"
I said with some wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?"
And I felt it was one up for me.

 

[melody]

Puff Of Flour

The little boy went over to the little girls house next door. Their
parents were at work. They played with her toys for a while and became
bored.

The little boy turned to the girl and said, "I know a game we can
play." So they went in the kitchen. The little boy got two
plates out of the cabinet and some flour. The little boy put a cup
of flour on each plate. The little boy said, "Now, what we do is squat
over our plate and fart. Whoever blows up the biggest puff of flour
wins." The little girl said, "You go first".

So the little boy squatted over his plate and gave out a big grunt.
Up came a little puff of flour. The little girl squatted down over her
plate, gave out a grunt and blew all the flour off the plate. The
little boy said, "Wow, I've never seen anything like that, let me look
at your
butt!" The little girl bent over so he could see. The little boy looked
at her butt and said, "No wonder! You got one of them double barrels!"

=====

why can't single women fart
they don't get an asshole till they get married

=====

Blonde Moments!

How does a blonde moonwalk?
She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

What do you call a blonde holding her breathe?
Increasing brain capacity

=====

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A & M University, has
invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents
the nipples
from pushing through the fabric of their clothing when cold weather
sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men
took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

 

[melody]

MARRIAGE IS...

Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.

Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.

Marriage is mind over matter; if the husband doesn't mind, it doesn't matter

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Marriage is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

=====

on the veranda and the old guy
leaned over and said to the woman "F*ck you".
She rocked back and forth for a bit then leaned to him and said "F*ck you too".
They rocked on in silence and some 10 minutes later she leaned over and said
"I don't think much of this oral sex, do you?"
_______________________________________

 

[melody]

Memo To Employees:

Subject: FW: Memo to employees:

If you don't read anything else, read the paycheck guide.
SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything.
We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach
of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be
made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases,
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in
the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share
of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your replacement.

REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the
future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.
For instance, those employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from
8:00 to 8:10; employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10
to 8:20 and so on.
If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait
until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies
employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'
supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there
is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees
better understand their paychecks:

Item Amount

Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax $244.40
Outgo tax $45.21
State tax $11.61
Interstate tax $61.10
County tax $6.11
City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.11
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $2.22
Tic-Tacs $1.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $0.98
Stadium tax $0.69
Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $3.46
Corporate tax $2.60
Parking fee $5.00
F.I.C.A. $81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95
Life insurance $5.85
Health insurance $16.23
Dental insurance $4.50
Mental insurance $4.33
Reassurance $0.11
Disability $2.50
Ability $0.25
Liability $3.41
Unreliability $10.99
Coffee $6.85
Coffee Cups $66.51
Floor rental $16.85
Chair rental $0.32
Desk rental $4.32
Union dues $5.85
Union don'ts $3.77
Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83
Eastern Time $9.00
Central Time $8.00
Western Time $7.00
Pacific Time $6.00
Time Out $12.21
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot air $20.00
Miscellaneous $113.29
Sundry $12.09
Various $8.01
Net Take Home $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input
should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Paul

 

[melody]

Having Breakfast

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty
years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as
a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal.'

=====

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me,
madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that
your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," s
aid the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then
back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down
there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

=====

Lionel takes Freda to their doctor for a check-up. After the doctor finishes examining Freda, he takes Lionel aside and says, "I don't like the look of your wife at all."
"I don’t either, doctor," says Lionel, "but she's really very good with the children and she’s a great cook."

 

[melody]

God Grant Me The Senility...

God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Can't remember...read #4 again.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

16. It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.

=====

Little Johnny's mother decided to tell him all about making
babies, so she had "the talk" with him. Afterwards Little
Johnny just sat there silently for awhile.
"Do you understand?" his mother asked.
"Yes," replied Little Johnny.
"Do you have any questions?" asked his Mother.
"Yes, how about little kittens and puppies?" asked Little
Johnny.
"In exactly the same way as with babies", answered his Mom.
"Wow!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "My daddy will fuck ANYTHING!"

 

[melody]

IRS

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or
enhancement to make it better. This is one of those. It's a real letter
submitted to the IRS in the midst of 1995's weird and bizarre
denial of dependents, exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for
itself.

Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three
dependents I claimed on my 1994 tax return.
Thank you.

I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years.
They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors
and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about
them and what to expect over the next year.
Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction.
They are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her!
I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer the
people's questions about their returns.
While she has no formal training, it has
not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name.
Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that
you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that
over, keep in mind that she has a truck.
It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some
Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or get up early to drive her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the
wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best
to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of
overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite
relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you
reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are
a little close together than those of normal people.
He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first.
In February, I was awakened a three in the morning by a police
officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses.
In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or the
Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare.
His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal?
Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a
few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria.
I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal.
Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones.
This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when
he lives in your home.
DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives,
inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or cellphones.
(They find cellphones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to
lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien.
She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year.
I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21.
She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes,
beads, sandals and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's.
Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of their
remedial reading courses. "Hooked on Phonics" is expensive, so the
schools dropped it. But here's the good news!
You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction
that you are denying me!

It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two).
She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand
the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the
hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak.
The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her "R's".
It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats
backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times.
There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me,
but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her,
she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to
move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is
only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you
take the youngest two. I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but
then I am free!
If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for
counseling before Heather becomes a teenager.
If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting
Patrick in a military academy.

Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already
increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and
made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours truly, Bob
(Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund).

 

[melody]

JUICY LUCY
In Kentucky, a woman complained of a purple discharge from her
vagina. She thought it might have something to do with the diaphragm
that her doctor had recently given her.
"I followed all the instructions to the letter," she told her doctor,
"and used it with the jelly."
When asked which kind of jelly she had used, she replied "Grape."
=====

A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side
on a plane.

The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll
from?"

The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use
a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied,
"So, where ya'll from, bitch?"

 

[melody]

Couple of Sentimental Poems

FEMALE POEM

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen all day long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I want him to be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind,
and knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And forever be my very best friend.

MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac,
with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

 

[melody]

Creation:

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.

Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' .."

After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing
around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and
firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his
desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes,
as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless
you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two
dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth.

Ruined the whole fucking thing.

=====

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and then bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers!"

A sudden silence descends. After a moment, he asks, "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.

He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on this side of the bar are motherfuckers!"

Once again, the bar is silent. He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?"

A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man. The construction worker looks the man square in the eye and says, "You got a problem, buddy?"

"Oh no," insists the man. "I'm just on the wrong side of the bar.

 

[melody]

A Concerned Patient

A concerned patient asked the doctor if masturbation is harmful.

"Not usually," answered the doctor. "Not unless you do it too often."

"How about three times a day?" the patient asked.

"That seems a little excessive. Why don't you get a girlfriend?"

"Oh,... I already have a girlfriend," the patient replied.

"I mean a girl you can live with and have sex with?" asked the doctor.

The patient said, "I've got one just like that!"

So the doctor asked, "Then why do you masturbate three times a day?"

"Because,... she won't have sex during mealtimes!"

=====

One day a little boy sees his mother stepping out of the shower and curiously points to her triangle of hair and asks, "Mommy, what's that?" "That's my mop", she replies. The little boy then asks, "Where is the handle?" The mother replies, "Oh, Dad is going to put it on tonight."

=====

Q: What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons ?
A: You can also sit upright in a car.

=====

I know a tall Sunday school teacher,
Who wanted to screw the short preacher.
She flashed him some thigh,
But her pussy seemed high,
So he stood on a chair just to reach her.

 

[melody]

Vocabulary Meanings

1. DOOHICKEY:
A. Female................Any part under a car's hood.
B. Male......................The strap fastener on a woman's bra

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
A. Female................Fully opening up one's self emotionally to
another.
B. Male.....................Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
A. Female.............The open sharing of thoughts and feelings
with one's partner.
B. Male...................Leaving a note before taking off for a
weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
A. Female..............A desire to get married and raise a family.
B. Male...................Not trying to pick up other women while
out with one's girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
A. Female.............A good movie, concert, play or book.
B. Male..................Anything that can be done while drinking.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
A. Female............An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
B. Male.................A source of entertainment, self-expression &
male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
A. Female............The greatest expression of intimacy a couple
can achieve.
B. Male.................Call it whatever you want just as long as
we end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
A. Female............A device for changing from one TV channel to
another.
B. Male.................A device for scanning through all 175
channels every 5 minutes.

 

[melody]

Female Slogans

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Guys have feelings too. But, like, who cares?

I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

I hate everybody, and you're next.

Please don't make me kill you.

And your point is?

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now.

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude, and I know how to use it.

Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.

You KNOW you want me.

Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.

Of course I don't look busy - I did it right the first time!

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?

Do not start with me. You will not win.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.

I'm out of estrogens and I have a gun.

 

[melody]

****** vs Married

When you are ******..... Farting is never an issue
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times

When you are ******..... He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are ******..... He holds your hand in public
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public

When you are ******..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot

When you are ******..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married ....You think to yourself...."Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are ******..... You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are ******..... He hugs you, when he walks by you ...for no reason
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets

When you are ******..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first

When you are ******..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy"
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are ******..... He knows what the "hamper" is
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area

When you are ******..... He understands if you "aren't in the mood"
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are ******..... He understands that you have "male" friends
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away

When you are ******..... He likes to "discuss" things
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare

When you are ******..... He calls you by name
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

 

[melody]

A Horsefly And An Elephant

A horsefly kept biting an elephant near her tail. She kept swinging her trunk, but he was far out of reach.

A little sparrow observed this and flew down and snipped the horsefly in half.

"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant. "Listen, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask."

The sparrow paused. "Well, ma'am -," he said.

"What is it," said the elephant. "You needn't be shy with me."

"Well," said the sparrow, "the truth is that all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck an elephant."

"Go right ahead," said the elephant. "Be my guest!"

The sparrow began to fuck away. Up above them, a monkey got very excited and started to masturbate. This shook a coconut loose and it hit the elephant smack on the head.

"Ouch!" said the elephant.

The sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear?"

=====

Felix the most evil cat,
Cared not a jot where he shat,
Slippers or shoes,
Don't care where he poos,
And he laughs as he hears your feet splat.....

=====

A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?"

The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down."

His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad."

The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."

 

[melody]

Rhymers

Hickory Dickory dock
Some slut was suckin my cock
Her hair got tangled
The bitch was strangled
But at least she swallowed the lot!!!!

=====

Ginger was feeling quite gruff
'Til he placed his head in her muff
Then she purred like a kitty
When his tongue hit her clitty
Saying, "I just can't get enough!"

=====

Ginger from County of Dade
Said, "I think it's time I got laid."
"My vibrator can tingle"
"But it's not cunnilingual"
"And that's how orgasms are made."

=====

A girl came home from a date.

Her mother had waited up for her, and when the girl walked in the door, the mother noticed she had rice in her hair.

"Sally," she said, "you didn't tell me you were going to a wedding."

"I didn't mom," Sally replied. "I was giving a blowjob to a Chinese guy and he threw up on me."

 

[melody]

Season's Greetings Jokes

Money's Short, Times are Hard
Here's your Fucking Christmas Card

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
everyone felt shitty, even the mouse

Mom at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass

When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my place to see what's the matter

Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment the old fucker fell

He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick for my brother the queer

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch blew the chimney apart

He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
Piss on you all and have a good night

- Have a nice Christmas, asshole

*****

1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
2. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
3. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
4. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
5. I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!
6. Some of my best toys run on batteries.
7. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)
8. I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
9. Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!
10. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

 

[melody]

Facts Of Life

A father was explaining the facts of life to his teenage son. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of love-making:

Dad: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different things during the sex act, even if you are doing the same thing.

Son: What do you mean, Dad?

F: Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?" On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?"

S: What do other women say?

F: Well, a school teacher will say, "We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!" A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit."

S: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over."

F: That's male nurses. But let's move on, a bank teller will say, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." A stewardess will say, "Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally."

S: And what does mother say?

F: She says, "Beige... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling beige."

=====

One day a man and his wife needed to type in a password so that they could login on. So the husband tries to be funny so he types in “penis”. His wife literally falls on the ground laughing when the computer replies “PASSWORD REJECTED NOT LONG ENOUGH”

 

[melody]

Dear Santa (From Barbie)
Dear Santa:

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing
at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in
frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and
I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm
gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna
be around to smell it).

So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm
sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits
gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro
crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear
to my skin? (It looks like cellulite);

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway?
If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)
anatomically correct;

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct;

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just
get it done;

6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about
a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec or even a
hooker....for goodness sake!

8. A new, more '2008 persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with
a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and
a bag of chips;
"Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake
fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable
Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum;

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl;

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 42 years--I think I deserve it; Ok,
Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't
think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find
yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Up yours truly,
Barbie

Ken's Letter To Santa
Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes
in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In
addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about
me, my ability to please, and my some of my fashion choices.
I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues
concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT
deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with
Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette,
evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to changes our hair style. I
personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great
length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in career. Have you ever considered "Decorator
Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of work Actor Ken" ? In addition, there
are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S & M Ken"
"Green Lantern Ken" "Chippendale Ken" ... "Master Ken" These would
more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.

And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need
bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would
also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue
before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the
blonde bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others.
And Barbie can forget about having G.I.Joe - he's mine.

Real sincerely,
Ken