JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Oral Sex

A man went to a whorehouse to get some practice
performing oral sex on his wife. The woman at the front
desk gave him a key and told him to go to room 319.

The man walked into the room and met the lady of the
evening. He told her why he was there, so she gave him
a few pointers and then told him to go for it.

So, the man began performing oral sex and he was, by
her reaction, pretty good at it. But something strange
happened. A couple of minutes into the deed, he felt
something in his mouth. He spit it into his hand and found
a piece of carrot.

"Oh man, that's nasty!" he thought, but he said nothing
and continued.

A couple of minutes later, he came up with a pea.

"Damn, can't take much more of this. There's something
wrong with this bitch." But again, he said nothing and
gave it one more shot.

A couple of minutes later, he came up with a piece of
chicken. He couldn't stand it any longer.

"I can't do this anymore! I'm gonna throw up!"

"That's funny," remarked the hooker, "that's what the
last guy did."

=====

Why don't pygmies wear tampons?
They keep stepping on the strings.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A mechanic!

Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies
A: A bingo machine.

 

[melody]

Oral Sex

A man went to a whorehouse to get some practice
performing oral sex on his wife. The woman at the front
desk gave him a key and told him to go to room 319.

The man walked into the room and met the lady of the
evening. He told her why he was there, so she gave him
a few pointers and then told him to go for it.

So, the man began performing oral sex and he was, by
her reaction, pretty good at it. But something strange
happened. A couple of minutes into the deed, he felt
something in his mouth. He spit it into his hand and found
a piece of carrot.

"Oh man, that's nasty!" he thought, but he said nothing
and continued.

A couple of minutes later, he came up with a pea.

"Damn, can't take much more of this. There's something
wrong with this bitch." But again, he said nothing and
gave it one more shot.

A couple of minutes later, he came up with a piece of
chicken. He couldn't stand it any longer.

"I can't do this anymore! I'm gonna throw up!"

"That's funny," remarked the hooker, "that's what the
last guy did."

=====

Why don't pygmies wear tampons?
They keep stepping on the strings.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A mechanic!

Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies
A: A bingo machine.

 

[melody]

Wet Dream

Her only instructions to him had been to take off all his clothes and have a seat in the chair. He had been a little suspicious at first, but the thought of what could happen had made his dick hard and straining to get out of his jeans. So he did as she had said stripped and sat.

He'd only been sitting for a few seconds when she appeared in the doorway. She was wearing a silky robe and a naughty smile. His dick responded by jerking a little. She laughed and walked toward him. As she approached she asked him if he trusted her and if he would let her do whatever she wanted to him tonight. His heartbeat quickened as he said yes.

Slowly she knelt in front of him. Her robe parted a little as she lowered herself to her knees and he caught a glimpse of her smooth pussy. He leaned back and waited to see what would happen next.

She had been thinking about him all day. It had started with his emails to her at work. Suggestive and teasing, he had worked her into quite a frenzy. She was squirming in her desk chair by lunchtime. She could feel her how wet she was and it was starting to seep through her panties. She imagined his tongue licking her and tasting her juices. She finally had to get up and go to the bathroom. In the bathroom she slid her hand into her panties and felt how slick her pussy was and how hard her clit was getting. She played with herself for a few minutes, but there wasn't enough time to finish. She cleaned up as best as she could and went back to her desk. She felt the need to get back at him, in a good way, for getting her so hot and horny. She sent him an email telling him to meet her at home and be ready. The rest of the day flew by.

Now here she was on her knees in front of her man staring at his hard cock. Slowly she slid her hands from his knees and up his thighs, lightly rubbing her fingernails across him. She worked her way to his penis, loving how it was sticking straight up, waiting for her to touch it. She slid her index finger from his balls up the underside of his penis to the tip, where the moisture was beading up. She took the cum off the tip and brought her finger to her mouth and sucked it clean. He watched her intently the entire time and she closed her eyes imagining she was sucking his cock. When she opened her eyes she looked at him and smiled.

She lowered her head and wrapped her mouth around his head and sucked. He moaned and scooted lower in the chair, forcing more of himself inside her hot, moist mouth. Then she lowered her head further and took his entire length into her mouth until his head hit the back of her throat. She opened her mouth slightly and rubbed his dick against the back of her throat. He grasped the arms of the chair and waited for more.

She loved the feel of his cock in her mouth. The way it pulsed against her tongue and cheeks and how hard it got when she sucked harder on it. She moved her head up and down as her tongue licked along the bottom side of his penis. Slowly she moved her way up and off and then lower to lick between his balls. They were full and hot. She licked around each one and pulled them one at time into her mouth and sucked. She used her hand to stroke up and down his penis as she worked his balls. She licked under them using her tongue to press into sensitive spots. His balls pressed against her cheek and his cock got harder in her had as she continued to lick and suck on his sack.

She was getting very excited and she could feel herself getting wetter by the second. Her nipples were getting hard as she stroked his cock. She moved herself closer to him and parted her robe. Her breasts were aching to be touched. She took his penis and pressed it between her breasts. She squeezed them together and moved up and down, stroking him with her breasts. He reached down and pinched her nipples as she fucked him. As she moved up and down she lowered her head and kissed and licked his cock as it popped up between her tits with each stroke.

She wanted to feel his hard cock in her mouth so she backed up and took him in as far as she could with her mouth. She cupped his balls and squeezed as she sucked hard and moved up and down his length. She could feel him tensing up and knew he would cum soon. This made her wetter and she increased the speed and pressure of her mouth. She squeezed and massaged his balls with each stroke. She pressed them against his body and used her tongue to worship his cock. He grabbed the back of her head and pressed her head down further, she opened her mouth and took all of him in.

As he pulled on her hair she felt his body tensing and knew he was going to squirt his cum deep into her throat. As she rubbed his balls she felt the first shots of his cum hit the back of her mouth and then he emptied his hot cream into her mouth. She swallowed and slowed her movements as he continued to jerk into her mouth. Slowly she lifted her head and licked the remaining drops of cum off his penis and kissed it.

As she lifted her head off his lap, he was sure glad he had followed her instructions.

 

[melody]

Young Tim

Young Tim has just finished high school and, not being too bright, he wants to get a job at a local mechanic's workshop in Christchurch.

Tim spies this advert for a job in a Motor Spares Shop and hurries over. Unfortunately, when he steps in there are already 2 guys there before him.

Tim with tears in his eyes explains to the manager that he really needs the job. Manager looks at him and says, "You know what Tim - I'd really like to give you this job but see these two guys are here before you .. you're going to have be really something special to get this job you know!"

Tim thinks now, mmmm, and then he says, "well boss, there is one thing - if you take a spark plug and stick it into my arse - I can tell you what type of spark plug it is."

The manager goes "Wow .. that's something - lets test you out!"

So Tim turns around and drops his pants. The boss takes a Bosch spark plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... Bosch!!".

The boss, goes .. "Wow, that's really something - but lets test you out again!"

He takes a NGK spark plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... NGK !!".

The boss, goes .. "Wow, you're really good .. but, one more time - I need to be sure. "

Boss thinks now, lets catch this guy out! He unzips his pants, takes out his penis and sticks it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeeee .... Champion!!!"

=====

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

 

[melody]

You Know You Are Living In 2007 When...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't
have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first
20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
=====
This girl walks into a hardware store as she needs a new hinge
for a door at home. As she takes it to the counter, the clerk
asks,
"Wanna screw for that hinge?"
To which she replies,
"No, but I'll suck you off for that toaster on the top shelf."
=====
A woman who is uncomfortable watching a guy masturbate:

a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
b) Is uptight and a waste of time.
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

 

[melody]

Drunken Stranger

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
Just some drunken guy asking for a push" he answers
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"
His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told (of course), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello? Are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

=====

Aunt Rose was in the garden tending to her flowers when she
got about to pee. So she did and wiped off the dew on a rose.
Uncle Fred came along later, picked up the rose, sniffed it, then
ran to phone the newspaper editor.
"I found a rose that smells like a woman's you-know-what!"
The editor said, "That's nothing. When you find a you-know-what
that smells like a rose, call me again."

 

[melody]

86 Years Old

Your honor, I am 86 years old.

So here I am, sitting there on porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me.

He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your Honor.

So I don't stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honor. Why, Your Honor, I haven't felt that good in years! So I just spread my old legs and say to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

That's when he yelled, "April Fool!".

And that's when I shot the Son of a Bitch!

=====

A prostitute was in hospital having a kidney removed. Just after the doctor had removed the kidney he was about to stitch up the wound. Just then the prostitute woke up on the operating table. She looked up at the doctor and asked him not to bother stitching up the wound.
When the doctor asked why she replied " Well, I've been doing it a bit tough lately and I might see if I can get some extra work on the side ".

 

[melody]

Yoga Style

Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual
activities.
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she was
able to get her husband excited at night by getting totally naked,
lying in bed, and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.

The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night she
got totally naked and began the long process of putting her two legs
behind her head. The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as
she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place.
She was having an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked
herself backwards until she finally got it behind
her head. However, she had rocked back so hard that she flipped
slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in
the air.
Moments after this happened, her husband came out of the bathroom.
"Gladys!" he exclaimed,
"For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth back in!
You look like an asshole!!"

=====

An old guy went to his doctor and said, "I have this toilet problem doc."
"Well," replied the doc, "How's your urination?"
"Every morning at 7am - like a baby!" said the old man.
"Good," replied the doc, "How about your bowel movements?"
"8am every morning - like clockwork!" answered the old guy.
"So what's the problem then?" asked the doc.
"Well," replied the old man, "I don't get up till 9am!"

 

[melody]

Check Up


A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up.

The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up. So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer?"

The girl replied, "...uh ...not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."

"Okay...let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested.

"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried.

"Okay then," so he put the thing in the girls butt.

Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!"

The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."

=====

In her youth, exhibitionist Annie
Was frequently spanked by her nannie.
That is why, to this day,
Some psychiatrists say
She is fond of exposing her fanny.

=====

Husband wakes at 5 in the morning feeling realy horny,
He nudges his wife and says,"honey give me a blow job."
His wife says, "sweetheart i'm tired,
just have a wank in a glass and ill drink it in the morning."

 

[melody]

Racing

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a casino when he met up with a striking but quite small and slim young woman. They got on famously and ended up in bed.

She told him she was a jockey and that, if he came to the races at Randwick that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.

In race 2, she rode out rubbing both her breasts. The bloke looked through the race book and found "Two Abreast" on which he placed $100 at 5 to 1. It won by 2 lengths.

"Shit, this is great he thought. In race 4, she rode out rubbing her fingers around her eyes. He put the lot on "Eyeliner" at 10 to 1 and was 5 grand in front.

In the last race she came out standing in the stirrups and rubbing her crotch. He backed nothing. After the races he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 & 4. "What about "Itchy Mickey" in the last at 66-1?" she asked. "Shit, he said, "I thought you were telling me the cunt was scratched".

=====

A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife, "What's the problem?" She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?" The husband replies, "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me."

 

[melody]

15 MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE WHILE HAVING SEX:

1) BEING PASSIVE: Don't let him undress you and himself. Just help him a lil
bit: like making the first step. It won't hurt. One more thing, just cause
we are men it doesn't mean that we must do all the job.

2) WEARING JEANS OR TIGHT PANTS: It takes time to take off these kinda
clothes. Every second counts. Remember one thing: the more time you got,
the more rounds you got. And the more rounds you got, the more you are
satisfied. Be smart.

3) GOING DOWN HALFWAY: Once you start going down, don't stop at the belly
button or around it. Keep going or just don't go below the neck at all.

4) CHOCKING HIS CHICKEN TOO HARD: Men feel pain, we are not as tough as you
think. No man has a leather Dick. You got to be smooth with the Dick.
Pulling it too hard doesn't make us feel horny, it hurts us even though we
don't tell you.

5) LICKING HIS EAR TOO MUCH: It's just the same as a dog licking a bitch's ass.

6) MOANING LIKE A RUNNER WHO NEEDS AIR: Better moan with style girl cause men
love to make fun of girls who can't moan like movies stars (Halle Berry,
Whitney Houston). Try not to make to much noise when you exhale.

7) SCRATCHING HIS BACK: We don't need no autographs, girls. It does not feel
good at all!! Depends on the length of the nails, and how deep you dig the
nail in our backs, they leave permanent marks. So keep your nails in your
pockets, please. If you feel the need to scratch a brother's back, either
grip the hell out of the sheets, or the headboard.

8) LETTING YOUR LONG HAIR FALL ON HIS FACE: Men need air: they breathe. So
please be intelligent a little bit. Don't just think about yourself :-)

9) JUMPING ON HIS HIPS 2 HARD: A man is not a horse so please take it easy
unless you got a big booty that can take care of the landing.

10) SCREAMING TOO LOUD WHEN YOU CUM: What are you, crazy??. Do you want us to
get caught by parents? Or you just love to see us jumping through the window
butt naked.

11) KEEP YOURSELF CLEAN: Everyone know that fish is the smell. But we don't
have to be smelling it when you take your drawls off. Please warn us if you
haven't freshened up. And nobody want to suck on no salty dirty titties.
Ladies, men aren't the only ones who sweat you know. And we sure don't want
you smelling like you work at a fish market either. Make sure your ass is
clean!! No man wants to eat off of a dirty plate.

12) NICE FEET: Make sure your feet are in check Every man has a certain turn
on, everything on a woman must be perfect, that's how we like it and love it.
Do not, I repeat do not!!! get in bed with us with your feet looking like
you've been walking barefoot on toxic waste. You know what I'm talking
about, nail polish coming off halfway, smelly like hell, uneven toenails,
soles are ashy as hell feeling like sandpaper, it's hard to perform good
foreplay when you have hammertime, and worst of all, don't even think about
asking us to suck your toes if they look like they been beaten with a
sledgehammer (ugly). We're not to fond of unpolished toes either. We like
them soft, smooth, pretty, and most of all tasty looking.

13) GIVING HEAD: Some women have a very bad habit of using their teeth. That
is not a banana. It's a hell of a difference between a Dick and a banana.

14) AFTER SEX: BROADCASTING: Don't go bragging to your girlfriends that you so
called got us "whipped" or "sprung". It's not cool at all, especially when
his homies are around.

15) KEEP IT REAL: When you're at the point of a breakup in a relationship,
don't wait until then to tell us we didn't knock it right. You know damn
well we had you climbing walls & walking on air.

 

[melody]

A Foursome

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.

The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it and hacks it another 10 feet.

She looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately replies, "Now, you see, that's your problem.

You should have taken golf lessons instead."

=====

A couple were going at it in a barn down on the farm.

In the process, the condom slipped off.

The guy pokes around inside her with a straw and manages to lose that too.

Nine months later the doctor enters the waiting room where the father asks him what the baby is.

Doctor replies "It's a little bastard dressed in a raincoat and a straw hat."

=====

When I was young and had no sense,
I had a piss on an electric fence,
It tickled my prick, And shivered my balls,
And made me shit in my overalls.

 

[melody]

51 More Lies Men Tell Women


51. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

52. No, I'm not seeing anyone else.

53. I haven't thought about her (old girlfriend) in years.

54. How many times do I have to tell you I'm not having an affair?

55. Your career is as important as mine.

56. I promise you that I'll change.

57. I want us to remain close friends always.

58. My wife and I have an understanding.

59. You're wonderful; you deserve someone better than me.

60. I don't masturbate.

61. Let's be friends first.

62. When you walked through that door, I knew it was the real thing.

63. I'd like you even if you were a man.

64. It's okay to be good looking, but looks just don't mean that much to me.

65. The difference between us will bring us even closer.

66. I spend everything I earn on you and the kids.

67. No, I never said that.

68. You make me feel like a kid again.

69. I'm going out with the boys (to the gym, to the office).

70. I'll move wherever you want.

71. Of course I'm not bored with you.

72. As soon as I finish this project (get a promotion, a raise, make partner), we'll......

73. You've got more sex appeal in your little toe than my wife's got in her whole body.

74. It wouldn't be you and me anymore if I used one of those.

75. Let's pool our assets - whatever is mine is yours.

76. I still find you just as attractive as the day I met you.

77. Divorce is the farthest thing from my mind.

78. Sure, I'll watch the kids.

79. It's not just the sex I want, it's being close to you.

80. We'll be spending a lot of time together when I retire.

81. You're the only reason I've worked so hard.

82. If I didn't have all this work, you know I'd go with you and the kids to your mom's.

83. No one's ever turned me on like you do.

84. My boss says there's nothing to worry about.

85. I'll never tell.

86. Relax, she's just a friend.

87. This is just a temporary separation until we get things worked out.

88. Your hair (dress, outfit) looks fantastic.

89. It was just sex - it didn't mean a thing.

90. Of course I'm listening to what you're saying.

91. Come on in and we'll just cuddle for a few minutes.

92. No, I don't think you're fat.

93. You're the woman I should have married.

94. I'm going to be focusing on my work for a while now.

95. I guarantee you, I'm not the father.

96. Your having kids has nothing to do with my not wanting to get married.

97. I'm not ashamed of the way you talk (look, act, etc.)

98. It's nothing personal; I just don't like sharing my living space with someone.

99. This time I'm really serious.

100. Honestly, honey, it's just for the guys - none of the wives go to the conference.

101. I'll always take care of you.
_______________________________________________

 

[melody]

Boob Icons

(o)(o) perfect breasts

( + )( + ) silicone breasts

(*)(*) high nipple breasts

(@)(@) big nipple breasts

oo a cups

{ O }{ O } d cups

(oYo) wonder bra breast

( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts

(o)(O) lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) pierced breasts

(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts

\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts

( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts

|o||o| android breasts

($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts

=====

Finding his wife in bed with another man, the dismayed husband cried out, "Jan what are you doing?"
Turning to her lover, the wife frowned and said, "Didn't I tell you he was an idiot?"

=====

A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman
"Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"
"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids."

 

[melody]

50 Lies Men Tell Women

1. I'll call you.

2. I love you.

3. You're the only one.

4. I've never felt this way about anyone else.

5. I've got to work late at the office tonight.

6. That's the best sex I've ever had.

7. You've got the most beautiful eyes.

8. No, I'm not married.

9. Sorry. I must have left my wallet and credit cards at home.

10. You just have to believe me when I tell you nothing's wrong.

11. I'm ready to make a commitment.

12. Except for a beer or two, I never drink.

13. My wife and I haven't had sex in years.

14. We'll get married as soon as I ...

15. I'll be home in twenty minutes.

16. It's not that I don't care - I just have to spend more time with my kids.

17. I've only slept with maybe ten women in my entire life.

18. I've been celibate since we broke up.

19. I could never lie to you.

20. I can still last all night.

21. I always use a con-dom.

22. I can help you get a great job in my company (field)

23. I haven't seen her since she and I broke up.

24. I tested HIV negative.

25. I haven't seen her since she and I broke up.

26. The only sexual fantasies I have are about you.

27. No, I don't think your thighs (stomach, breasts, hips, etc.) are too big.

28. I'm too tired.

29. How could you think I'd be interested in her? She's your best friend.

30. When it comes to oral sex, I'm the best.

31. I've never had any trouble keeping an erection before.

32. It's you and me, babe - we'll make love all over Europe.

33. I'd never do anything to hurt you.

34. I want to grow old with you.

35. Believe me, my wife and I live very separate lives.

36. Our having sex won't change a thing between us.

37. Don't worry, I've had a vasectomy.

38. I'm going to leave my wife.

39. You're nothing at all like my mother.

40. Your being a different religion doesn't matter to me.

41. It doesn't bother me that you make more money than I do.

42. Even without sex, we'd still be friends.

43. I think older women are the most exciting.

44. I'm considered one of the top people (in my field, in the company).

45. What attracts me to you is your mind.

46. We'll split all the child care and household chores fifty-fifty.

47. Of course I don't mind that you didn't come.

48. I've never had an affair before.

49. You're the only one who understands me.

50. I've never been in therapy.

 

[melody]

The Nine Important Men In A Woman's Life....

1. THE DOCTOR: because he says, "Take your clothes off."
2. THE DENTIST: because he says, "Open wide."
3. THE HAIRDRESSER: because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown?".
4. THE MILKMAN: because he says, "Do you want it in the front or
the back?"
5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR: because he says, "Once it's in, you'll
love it!"
6. THE STOCK BROKER: because he says, "It will rise right up,
fluctuate for a while, and then slowly fall back again."
7. THE BANKER: because he says,
"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest.
8. THE HUNTER: (our favorite) because he goes deep in the bush,
shoots twice, and always eats what he shoots.
9. THE TELEPHONE GUY: because he says,
"Would you like it on the table or up against the wall?

=====

All the young men chased after Aunty Em.
For she wore a white skirt with short hem.
With a smile and a wink,
She flashed us her twink.
Like diamonds and pearls, she's a gem.

 

[melody]

Special Happening

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.

She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"

"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"

The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."

"That's right, Dad."

"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."

"That sounds great, Dad, but can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

=====

I once had a ladyfriend, Rose,
Double-jointed she was I suppose.
And I watched fascinated,
As Rose masturbated;
Herself with the tip of her nose.

=====

A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew.
The brunette's word was quizzical.
The redhead's word was photosynthesis.
The blonde's word was dick.

 

[melody]

Happy Thanksgiving!

Things I Can Only Say This Week At Thanksgiving And Get Away With It

1. Talk about a huge breast.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's cool whip time.
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
10. Don't play with your meat!
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once.
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
20. Man, that looks just like cranberry sauce.
21. Is that hole good and stuffed?
22. Should I wrap that for you?
23. I've done my part, now I just want to sleep.

 

[melody]

Happy Thanksgiving To All My Friends And Family.
How to Cook a Turkey

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

~~~~~~

A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles.

He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin.

After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up. The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"

The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"

 

[melody]

50 Dumb Uses For Used Condoms...

1) Bicycle handle grips.
2) French tickler animals.
3) Shower caps for people with tiny heads.
4) Put one on a light bulb for mood lighting.
5) Fill one with helium and tie a note to it.
6) Get 1000 and make a submarine.
7) Put one over the showerhead to surprise Dad.
8) Put 'em on your cat's feet to keep it from climbing the curtains.
9) Blow a bunch up and tie them to the cars outside a wedding.
10) Put one on your nose and be Bobo the clown.
11) Water wings for those non-swimmers.
12) Use 500 of them to spell out "We Want Women!!" on your house.
13) Jello molds.
14) Finger puppets.
15) A wind sock.
16) Use as a bobber when fishing.
17) Put them on soda cans to keep the fizz in when you're not drinking it.
18) Practical joke: Put one on an exhaust pipe.
19) Suspenders.
20) Recycle as a Burger King ketchup baggie. (or would mayonnaise be better?)
21) Small animal muzzle.
22) Put them on your fingers & play proctologist.
23) Put them on your toes to make swim fins.
24) Draw eyeballs on them and make funny glasses.
25) Automatic door closing devices.
26) Have 'water' balloon fights.
27) Glue a bunch together and use to replace silicon breast implants.
28) Freeze them for an all- natural popsicle.
29) Glue several together and sell as a "Stretch Man" toy.
30) Use for a Xmas stocking stuffings for those that screwed you.
31) Ear/nose plugs.
32) Use 365 of them to make into a tire, and call it a "Good Year".
33) Replace those old "Dr. Scholls" shoe cushions.
34) Feed them to your pet iguana, Clyde.
35) Paint scales on them & put them in a fishtank.
36) "I challenge you to a duel!"
37) Drain plugs.
38) Put them in with your tax return.
39) Go see "Saturday Night Fever" and throw them at the screen.
40) Punching bags.
41) Hang them on the blades of a ceiling fan.
42) Send 69 of them to your ex-girlfriend.
43) Novelty key rings.
44) Hang them all around your windshield and be a chicano.
45) Spell "Happy Birthday" on a cake.
46) Break out your paints and make wax fruit.
47) Glue them on your nipples and try to swing them in opposite directions.
48) Make a patch work "water" bed.
49) Put your money in one. Nobody will steal it!
50) Stick one on the bridge of your nose and run around saying "Gobble Gobble".