JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

A Knock On The door

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a innocent man standing there.
He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he
asks the same question of the woman,
'Do you have a vagina?'She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice
'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'
The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,
'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy
I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.
'She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;
'Do you have a vagina'?
'Yes, actually I have,' she says...
The man replies..
'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours' ???
____________________________________

 

[melody]

Fancy Hospital

A man returned from a very fancy hospital and was telling his friend all about his experience.

Man: The hospital I was in was very specialized.

Friend: How so ?

Man: They had a food nurse who gave you food.
They had a drug nurse who gave you drugs.
They had a coffee nurse who gave you coffee.
Then there was the head nurse...

=====

On the banks of the Thames stood Lord Buckingham
Dreaming of tits and of sucking them
While watching the stunts
Of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks who were fuckin' 'em

=====

Now down in the valley of Shneel
Lived a woman who loved to reveal
With her curtains well drawn
Standing bare as a fawn
She'd do this really neat trick with an eel

 

[melody]

A Waiter And A Blonde

A waiter was working one night, when a beautiful Blonde was seated in his section. He went over to take her order, and saw that she was crying.

"What is wrong, miss? Are you ok?" he asked.

Wiping tears from her eyes, she looked up at him and said, "My boyfriend just dumped me, and today is my birthday. Nice gift, isn't it?"

The waiter talked with her a few moments, and was able to get her to stop crying. He kept a close eye on her, and when she had finished her meal, he went into the kitchen, cut a large slice from the best cake on the menu, and stuck a candle in it. He lit the candle, and brought it to her table. She looked very happy, and he was glad. He said, "Make a wish and blow!"

She closed her eyes, and made her wish. Then she came up to the waiter, got down on her knees, unzipped his pants, pulled out his cock, and started sucking on it. He had no idea why she was doing this, but she was really into it, sucking away, and playing with his balls. He knew that he should stop her - they did not even know each others names - but hey, when you have got a hot blonde going down on you, are you really going to say, "No, do not do it?"

He stood there, enjoying every moment, and when she made him cum, he exploded inside her mouth, and she swallowed every drop of his huge, hot load. She looked up at him with a smile, and said, "Did you like it?"

He said, "Yes, of course, you do it great, but I am just wondering why you suddenly started sucking my cock?"

She looked confused. "Well, I was just doing what you told me to."

Now he is confused. "What I told you to?"

Smiling, she says, "Don't tell me you forgot already. You said, 'Make a wish and blow!'"

 

[melody]

Naughty Funnies

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.

Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Tracy?"

"Yeah. What's it called, Sharon?"

"Viens a moi."

"Viens a moi? What does that mean?"

At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'."

Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"

=====

Vinnie and Hank are drinking, when Vinnie leans over and starts stroking Hank's beard.
Vinnie says, "Your face feels just like my wife's pussy."
Hank strokes it himself and says, "You're right."

=====

Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend is frigid?
A: When you open her legs a light goes on!!

Q: How do you know if elephants have been making love in your back yard?
A: The trash can liner bags are missing.

Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

Q: How do you spell clitoris?"
A: I don't know, but I had it on the tip of my tongue just a moment ago.

 

[melody]

No Arms

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.
He was depressed, And decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building.
He was standing on the ledge and saw this man skipping,
Whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer
And saw this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing,
I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes
A man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk,
Happy and going on with his Life.

He hurried down and caught the man. He told him how he had
Lost one arm and felt useless and was going to kill himself.
He thanked him for saving his life.

The man with no arms began dancing, whistling and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

The man said, "I'm NOT... My butt itches!"

___________________________________________________

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed
That she decided to end her life by throwing herself
Into the ocean. But just before she could throw
Herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor.
"Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you
Away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring
You food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid
Her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he
Would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her
Until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain
During a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?"
Asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she
Replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to
Europe . Plus he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the
Staten Island Ferry."

 

[melody]

THE WORD FUCK!
( I just love this one )

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).

It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck"..

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

1. Greetings: How the fuck are ya?
2. Fraud: I got fucked by the car dealer.
3. Resignation: Oh, fuck it!
4. Trouble: I guess I'm fucked now.
5. Aggression: Fuck you!
6. Disgust: Fuck me.
7. Confusion: What the fuck.......?
8. Difficulty: I don't understand this fucking business!
9. Despair: Fucked again...
10. Pleasure: I fucking couldn't be happier.
11. Displeasure: What the fuck is going on here?
12. Lost: Where the fuck are we.
13. Disbelief: Unfuckingbeliveable!
14. Retaliation: Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial: I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity: I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy: Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?
18. Suspicion: Who the fuck are you?
19. Panic: Let's get the fuck out of here.
20. Directions: Fuck off.
21. Disbelief: How the fuck did you do that?


It can be used in an anatomical description- He's a fucking asshole.
It can be used to tell time- It's five fucking thirty.
It can be used in business- How did I wind up with this fucking job?
It can be maternal- Motherfucker.
It can be political- Fuck George Bush!


It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:

What the fuck was that?
-Mayor of Hiroshima

Where did all these fucking Indians come from?
-General Custer

Where the fuck is all this water coming from?
-Captain of the Titanic

That's not a real fucking gun.
-John Len

Who's gonna fucking find out?
-Richard Nixon

Heads are going to fucking roll.
-Anne Boleyn

Let the fucking woman drive.
-Commander of Space Shuttle

What fucking map?
-Challenger, Mark Thatcher

Any fucking idiot could understand that.
-Albert Einstein

It does so fucking look like her!
-Picasso

How the fuck did you work that out?
-Pythagoras

-You want what on the fucking ceiling?
Michaelangelo

Fuck a duck.
-Walt Disney

Why?- Because its fucking there!
-Edmund Hilary

I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?
-Joan of Arc

Scattered fucking showers my ass.
-Noah

I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.
-John F. Kennedy-
___________________________

 

[melody]

Vibrators Are Better...

* A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop "vibrating."
* Vibrators are never too busy watching the game on tv.
* Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!!
* When we're done with them we can stuff them back in the drawer and not hear from them until we're ready.
* It's happy to keep going until we're satisfied.
* We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want without being called a slut.
* Position is your choice, not his.
* It always is hard.
* It doesn't leave a mess behind.
* You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.
* It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.
* It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.
* You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.
* Vibrators are better then men because ...
* They don't get tired after the first time
* They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood.
* Vibrators are better then men because in the morning you don't have to fix it breakfast.
* Safe sex without a rubber
* A couple batteries and you don't have to put up with the shit, just turn it off when you get done with it !
* As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can keep going and going and going! (while you keep coming and coming!)
* Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime, anywhere you want!!
* They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.
* You don't have to dress up for your vibrator.
* You can show it off to your friends.
* They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another one
* It doesn't leave a wet spot.
* It can be stashed away in a drawer.
* It doesn't have a mother!!
* It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard.
* You know exactly where it's been.
* Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.
* They never come before you do.

 

[melody]

Local Whorehouse

A miner comes out of the bush camp after several months of very hard work. When he gets to town, he decides to go to the local whorehouse so as to unload some pent up frustrations. He picks out a whore, takes her to her room, and she gives him a skillful blow-job. When she's done, she reaches under the bed, pulls out a big mason jar and spits his wad into it.
"What the hell is THAT for?" he asks.
"Well", she says..."Me and my girlfriend have a running contest. Whoever has more at the end of the week...gets to drink both."
=====
A guy was walking around the parking lot with his keys in his hand,
A cop pulls up and asks him if there was anything wrong. The guy
replies " They stole my car."
The cop asks him where he saw it last. He says " At the end of my key."
The cop seeing that the guy is plastered, looks him over and notices
that his dick is hanging out of his pants. The cop points this fact
out to him. The guy looks down and says, " Oh shit, they stole my
wife too!"

 

[melody]

Slumped Over The Bar

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar.
He Walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know
that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her. "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
And what happened then? Asked Jeff.
"I kicked her in the face."

=====

Roger had set a double date for himself and his friend Troy. Roger
said, "Troy, I'll give you first choice. Let me tell you what they're
like." "Okay," said his buddy. "Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure.
She's short on looks, but she gives an incredible blowjob. Suzie is
pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by wearing
shoes with very high heels." "Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll
go for head over heels anytime."

=====

My dental hygienist, Faye Ray,
Said, "Travis, eat pussy each day;
Your gums will be stronger,
Your teeth will last longer,
Coz pussy prevents tooth decay!"

 

[melody]

Emoticons/Assicons
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_O_) And more....

(_ x _) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass
(_._) A flat ass


(_^_) A bubbly ass


(_!__) A lop-sided ass


(_o^o_) A wise ass


(_13_) An unlucky ass

You have just been e-mooned!

 

[melody]

Things Overheard While Having Sex

"A hundred bucks?!? What can I get for ten?"
*
"Mmmmm, yeah baby, take it off! C'mon, nice & slow ... That's goo--
AAAARRGGGG!! Disconnected again! Friggin' AOL!!!"
*
"Dammit! They just don't make these colostomy
bags as strong as they used to!"
*
"Oooh, you're so BIG! Oooh, you're so POWERFUL!
Oooh, your batteries just died!"
*
" ... 'Rectum? It nearly killed him.' Get it? Wait ... come back!"
*
"No, really, I always yawn like that when I climax."
*
"It's called a 'bra.' Women wear them under their clothes."
*
"Don't laugh -- if *all* penises were this small,
birth control would be a thing of the past!"
*
"OK, now put on the Deanna Troi mask and say
'Captain, I can sense your throbbing manhood!' ...No, no, try it again
with more accent!"
*
"Oh, Baby! Here I expected 5, and you whip out 13!!"
*
"Well, what you lack in size, you make up for in speed."
*
"Top 5? C'mon, it's more like the Top 3 1/2!"
*
"Wait! Wait! We can't start until I find my beret!!"
*
"Dammit Mom! Knock first!"
*
"OK, this time, *you* be Martha Stewart and *I'll*
be Rico the gardener."
*
"Look, lover boy, $120 means $120 -- I don't give
a shit if that works out to $240 a minute."
*
"Mind if I wedge my calculator under your breast
there while we're doing this?"
*
"Shave it? You're lucky I washed it."
*
"Why yes, as a matter of fact, I *WAS* the
original body model for the Ken doll. How in the world did
you guess?"

 

[melody]

A Rancher's Hand

A successful rancher died and left everything to his
devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman
and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very
little about ranching, so she decided to place an
ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the
other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it,
and when no one else applied, she decided to hire
the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk. He proved to be
a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of
them worked very hard, and the ranch was doing
very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired
hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch
looks great. You should go into town and kick up your
heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on
Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he
didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He
returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's
widow sitting by the fireplace.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my
blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did
as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did so,
slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He did.

"Now take off my skirt." He did. "Now take off my bra."

Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.
Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly
pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you EVER wear
my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

=====
dancing divider
What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
The back of her head.

Blessed is the man who sucks on dirty clits
for he shall ever have the shits.

 

[melody]

Persian Rugs

A lady walks into a shop that sells VERY expensive Persian rugs. She browses around, then spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug, she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now. As she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day, madam. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely rug?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are very likely to shit when you hear the price!"

=====

Little Johnny was taking a bath one day, when his mother came in to use the bathroom. Curiosly, Johnny viewed his mother's anatomy while she was sitting down.

"Mommy,", Johnny asked, "what's that between your legs?"

His mother replied, "Why that's where your dad hit me with an axe."

"Came awfully fuckin' close to your cunt, didn't he?" he replied.

=====

Let's try it this new way," said Jack
As he winked at the girl in the sack.
She turned and she grunted,
"I should be affronted,
But this time I'm taken aback!"

 

[melody]

Halloween Party

A Black man and his wife are going to a Halloween party in a couple of
days, so the husband asks his wife to go to the store and get costumes
for them to wear.

When he comes home that night, he goes into the bedroom and finds, laid
out on the bed, a Superman costume.

The husband calls to his wife, "What are you doing, honey?" he says.
"Have you ever heard of a Black Superman? Can you take this back and get
me something else to wear?"

The next day, the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a
replacement. The husband comes home from work and goes into the bedroom.
There, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume.

He yells to his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a
Black Batman? Take this shit back and get me something I can wear to the
costume party!"

The next morning, his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes
home again from work, he finds there, laid out on the bed, three items:
one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt,
and the third item is a 2X4 piece of wood.

The husband yells again to his wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells right back, "Take your clothes off. You can put these
three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't
like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as a an Oreo cookie.
And if you don't like that one, you can stick the 2X4 up your ass and go
as a fudgesicle."
happy halloween jokes

On Halloween, this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden red hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an witch, and was just delightful. The woman said, "What are you supposed
to say sweetheart?" The little girl looks up at the woman and says...

"Twick or Tweat!" The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time." Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!" The husband agrees with his wife, this little witch is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag. The little witch looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says... "Thanks lady, you just boke my fu--in' cookies!"

 

[melody]

CHILI TASTER

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK,
who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an
outstanding Famous
celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off,
because no one
else wanted to do it. Also the original person called
in sick at the
last moment, and I happened to be standing there at
the judge's table
asking directions to the beer wagon when the call
came. I was assured
by
the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all
that
spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer
during the
tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers
to put the
flames
out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not
sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
walkie-talkie in 3 extra
beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.
Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of
red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
by now. Barmaid
pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the
front part of my
chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but
was unable to
taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me
with fresh
refills; that300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT,
just like this
nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more
tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus
my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage.
Sally
saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from a
pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop
screaming. Fuck those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of
spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except that
slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I
am worried about
Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress
as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a fucking grenade in my mouth,
pull the fucking
pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the
sight in one eye,
and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.
My shirt is
covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my
fucking mouth. My
pants are full of lava-like shit to match my goddamn
shirt. At least
during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop
breathing, it's too painful. Fuck it, I'm not getting
any oxygen
anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
fucking 4 inch hole in
my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili,
neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 passed
out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was
unable to report.)

 

[melody]

Holy Shit!

A couple has been ****** for three months, and the sex is getting dull.
One night they're lying in bed when the girl shyly says, "Harry, want to try something new? It's very kinky."
He says, "Sure."
She says, "Stand over me and take a shit on me."
So he's pretty shocked, but he figures well, if it's what she wants he'll do it. He stands up, straddles her, squats a bit, and takes a dump on her chest.
She says, "Now lie in it on top of me and screw me."
So he lies on top of her, with the shit oozing between them, and she gives him the wildest hump he's ever had.
So the next time they're fucking, she asks him to do it again. He stands over her and grinds out a huge turd onto her chest. Then he lies on her, and they have another incredible lay.
As time goes on, Harry really gets into it. He eats like a horse on the days before their dates, because it seems the more he craps on her, the better the sex is.
One Thursday night, he has the runs, so on Friday morning he eats a few cheese sandwiches and downs a whole bottle of Kaopectate before he goes to work, so he won't have any catastrophic accidents at the office.
That night, he goes to her house, they go in the bedroom and get undressed, she lies on the bed, he stands over her, and squats down, and grunts...but nothing comes out. He strains a bit, and grunts, and then llbbt!...a little fart...but nothing of any substance. For a few minutes, he's pushing and grunting, when suddenly she starts sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" he asks.
"You're seeing someone else!"

 

[melody]

Poems for Pervs

Give me a muff

With thighs on each side

That's furry and pink

And all covered in stink

I don't even care

If it's old or it's new

'Cause, what the hell ...

It's something to screw!

=====

Have you heard of the new book entitled
"1001 Sex Secrets Men Should Know?"
It contains comments from 1001 different women
on how men can be better in bed.

I think that women would actually settle for three ...

Slow down
Turn off the TV
and
Call out the right name

=====

Little Bo Peep, has lost her sheep,
And doesn't know where to find 'em...
But a search revealed,
They were out in the field,
With Little Boy Blue behind 'em.

=====

A Gynecologist says to a Lesbian
"You have the cleanest pussy I've ever seen."
The Lesbian replies,
"I should have, I have a woman in twice a week!"

 

[melody]

A Businessman

The businessman spent a good half an hour in the hotel lounge
bragging to the hooker about how big his dick was. Finally she
suggested they retire to his room and check it out, and he
willingly agreed.

The guy stripped off his clothes, jumped on top of the hooker,
entered her, and said triumphantly, "Why don't you open your
mouth, baby, so I can see the end of my prick?"

"Open my mouth?" scoffed the hooker. "Why don't you wiggle your
ass so I can feel it?"

=====

There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."

Once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole
Nosed into her hole
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.

 

[melody]

Thoughts On Aging

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.

 

[melody]

A PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday,
23% on Tuesday,
40% on Wednesday,
20% on Thursday,
and 5% on Fridays
Help me to remember that when I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
That it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.

=====

Confucious Say.....

Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.
It takes many nails to build a crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who sit on tack, get point.
Man with hand on tool not always mechanic.
Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.
He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
_______________________________________________________