JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Piss Off!!

(the male author responds to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's rest room):

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something. You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted. After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood". Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back & compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood". Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet. I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!

 

[melody]

Condom Size

A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy."

"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."

So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller.
Then he pulls it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job.
Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it.
She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is beginning
to stumble back in.

She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?"

"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

Certificate of Upgrade to Complete Asshole
Awarded to____________________________________In recognition of your obnoxious attitude, ability to piss people off, complete asinine juvenile behavior and total dedication to personal gain without regard to the many hardships you have forced upon friends, family and others during your lifetime, you have become a legend in your own mind. To recognize your upgrade from half-assed to complete asshole, gives all concerned great satisfaction. If anyone, for any reason, doubts your status.
JUST BE YOURSELF......!!!!!
Effective as of this_____day of_________________2011
Per:____________________________
Authorized Signature

 

[melody]

The Big Sneeze

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"

The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."


Two faggots were visiting a zoo, when they found themselves at the
gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting there with a huge erection. Unable
to contain himself one of the men reaches in to touch it.
As soon as his arm goes into the cage, the gorilla grabs him, and takes
him into the cage... slams him to the floor and fucks him senseless.
A few days later in hospital the boyfriend visits and asks his partner
if he is hurt...
"Hurt... Hurt... You bet I'm hurt. He hasn't phoned, he hasn't written..."

 

[melody]

Naughty Nursery Rhymes

Abraham Lincoln Rhyme
Abraham Lincoln was a good old man. He hopped out the window with his dick in hand. he said, "Excuse me ladies, just doing my duty so why not pull down your pants and give me some booty."

Mary Mary Rhyme
Mary Mary quite contrary shaved her pussy cause it was so damn hairy.
Row Your Boat Song
Roll, roll, roll your joint twist it at the end, take a puff, that's enough and pass it to a friend.

Jack and Jill Went Up The Hill Rhyme
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana, Jack got high, unzipped his fly, and Jill said "I don't wanna"
Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.

I'm A Little Penis Rhyme
I'm a little penis,
Long and hard,
If you want to see it,
Come in my yard,
When I get all horny,
Then I spurt,
Push me in,
And pull me out!

Jack Rhyme
Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack burnt off his little Dick!

Mother Hubbard Rhyme
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cubbard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over,
Rover took over
And the bitch got a bone of her own!

Peter Peter Rhyme
Peter peter pumpkin eater
had a wife loved to beat her
smacked her twice across the head
fucked her ass and went to bed

Mary Had A Little Lamb Rhyme
Mary had a little lamb
she kept it in her back yard
when she took her panties off
his wooly dick got hard

Hickory Dickory Dock
Hickory Dickory Dock
The bitch was suckin my cock
The clock struck two
I dropped my goo
And dropped the bitch off at the next block!

Little Boy Blue
Little boy blue,
he needed the money.

Little Bow Peep
Little bow peep fucked a sheep
blew a horse, licked his feet,
she ate his ass so very nice
tongued his balls not once but twice.

Mary Had A Little Lamb Rhyme
Marry had a little lam
it's fleece was black as coal,
and every time it jump a fence
you could see it's pink asshole.

 

[melody]

They say when you can't sleep you should
go to bed with a good book ...
Hmmm, I'd rather take a friend who's read one : )


A man was brought before the judge and charged with necrophilia.
The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench,
I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing.
Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you
up and throw away the key!"

The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons!
#1~ It's none of your damn business
#2~ She was my wife
and finally . . .
#3~ I didn't KNOW she was dead . . . she ALWAYS acted that way!"

~ Alimony ~
The fucking you get for the fucking you got

Q ~ How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A ~ Give him an used tampon and ask him which period it came from

Q ~ Why did God give women yeast infections?
A ~ So they can know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt

~ Orgasm ~
The gland finale

Q ~ What's the similarity between a man and an uppercase Q?
A ~ They're both big fat zeroes with little dicks hanging off them


Your realize your husband has a terrific understanding of fashion

You discover he's a cross dresser

He dresses much better than you


When I was just a little girl, I used to like to sing,
and with my finger play with my little thing
But now that I've grow up, my finger has lost it's charm,
and to satisfy my needs, I need half a fucking arm.

 

[melody]

The Benefits Of Growing Older

...Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.

...You consider coffee one of the most important things in
life.

...You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

...You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor
to watch television.

...People who call at 9 p.m. ask, "Did I wake you?"

...You send money to PBS.

...You can tune people out and pretend you are hard of hearing
and they believe you.

...You don't have to worry about the cops being called when
you throw a party because the neighbors don't even realize
it.

...In a hostage situation you are likely to be released
first.

...People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

...Things you buy now won't wear out.

...There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

...Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning
to pay off.

...Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

...It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to
stick..

...No one expects you to run into a burning building.

...Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather
Service.

...Your eyes won't get much worse.

...Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a
manageable size.

...You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who
walks into the room.

...You can do anything without worrying about what people think
about you, because you just don't give a shit what they
think.

...You can eat dinner at 4:00 PM.

...You can live without sex but not without glasses.

...You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

...You sing along with the elevator music.

 

[melody]

The Extraordinary Wisdom Of Confucius
(Part One)

!Secretary not permanent until screwed on desk.
! Man who let woman on top is fucking up.
! Man who stand on toilet get high on pot.
! Woman who spend much time on bedspring may get offspring.
! Sex on beach is like American beer - fucking near water.
! Man like baby - want to suck tit all day.
! Naked man fears no pick pocket.
! Man who masturbate only screwing himself.
! Man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
! He who outruns the cheetah is fucking fast on his feet.
! Even the greatest of whales is helpless in the desert.
! The hand that turneth the knob opens the door.
! Schoolboy OK to masturbate as long as it's not against Principal.
! Schoolboy who mess around with school girl during wrong period get caught red-handed.
! He who eats too many jelly beans, farts in living colour!!
! Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.
! Hockey player on ice have big stick.
! Man trapped in sewer eat shit and die.
! Man who fuck ugly dog get howled at.
! Girls should not marry basketball players because they always dribble before they shoot.
! It take square ass to shit brick.
! Woman who dance while wearing a jock strap have make believe ballroom.
! He who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep.
! Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
! A girls best asset is her lie ability.
! Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters into his own hands.
! He who chases cars will soon get exhausted.
! Wash your face in morning neck at night.
! Man who kiss girl's behind get crack in face.
! Man who gets kicked in testicles left holding the bag.
! Woman who fly air plane up-side down, have big crack up!
! Man who take woman on camping trip have one intent.
! He who refuses to listen is lying.
! When lady says no, she mean maybe. When lady say maybe, she mean yes. When lady say yes, she no lady
! Wise man never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
! He who sniffs coke drowns.
! Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
! Man who piss into wind get wet.
! Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
! Man who pull out too soon get hit in rear end.
! Man who eat pussy do lip service.

 

[melody]

Pick -Up Lines

Lets play Titanic, when I say iceberg, you go down.

You must be high jumper, because you make my bar rise.

Call me Fred Flintstone, because I'll make your Bedrock.

If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?

Would you wear shoes if you didn't have any feet? Then why are you
wearing a bra?

Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk by again?

You must have a mirror in your pocket because I can easily see myself
in your pants.

What time do you have to be back in heaven?

I seem to have lost my phone number, can I have yours?

If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

How about you sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that
pops up.

I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?

Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?

Do you sleep on your stomach? "NO." Can I?

Playing doctor is for kids. How about me and you play gynecologist.

If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you.

Excuse me, do you give head to strangers? Well then, allow me to
introduce myself.

The word for the day is legs. Lets go back to my place and spread the
word.

Do you have some Irish in you? Would you like a piece of Irish in you?

The last time I saw you, I was dreaming.

Hi, my name is Ken. Don't forget it because you'll be screaming it
later on tonight.

I'm new in town, could you give the directions to your apartment.

I love every bone in your body. Especially mine!

That's a nice smile, its just too bad thats not the only thing you're
wearing.

All those curves, and me with no brakes.

 

[melody]

Penis & Vagina

GIRLS REACTION TO PENIS SIZES
9 INCHES - Oh Shit, pain!!
7 INCHES - Oh, I'm in heaven
6 INCHES - OH PERFECT
5 INCHES - UMMMM OK
4 INCHES - PUSH MORE
3 INCHES - IS THAT IN???
2 INCHES - IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!!

AGES OF VAGINA:
16 TO 19 BRAND NEW.
20 TO 28 SLIGHTLY USED
29 TO 36 SECOND HAND
37 TO 45 SUBJECT TO REPAIR
46 TO 55 FOR LUBRICATION
56 TO 60 TOTAL WRECK
61 TO 70 CLOSED FOR RENOVATION!!!!!!!

====

Paddy was looking for work, and his mate told him that they needed someone up at the Blacksmiths. Paddy went to see the bloke, and said, "My mate tells me your looking for someone to work here."

"Yes, that's right." said the Blacksmith, "Can you shoe Horses?"

"I'm not sure," said Paddy, "but I once told a Donkey to fuck off."

 

[melody]

The Extraordinary Wisdom Of Confucius
(Part Two)


! Man with tool in woman's mouth, not necessarily a dentist.
! Woman who bake beans and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
! Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons
! Never eat yellow snow.
! Boy who plays with himself pulls boner.
Woman who wears padded bra, makes mountains out of molehills.
! Girl who marry detective must kiss dick.
! Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.
! War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left
! Virginity is like a balloon, one prick all gone.
! Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
! Confucius say too fucking much!!!
! Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
! Man who fart in Church sit in own pew.
! Man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money.
! Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole woman have more!
! Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
! Rape impossible. Woman run faster with skirt up than man run with pants down.
! Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!
! Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
! Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy.
! He who lives in glass house dresses in basement.
! Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly.
! Virgin with thimble on finger never feel prick.
! Man with one chopstick go hungry.
! Man who date flat-chested girl have good reason to feel low-down.
! Man who lifts stones off woman get rocks off.
! Man who go to bed with diarrhea wake up in deep shit.
! Boy who diddle little girl do diddly squat.
! Man who pulls on woman's bra-strap may get bust in mouth.
! Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
! Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock
! When in doubt, whip it out.
! Man who lay maiden in pantry get ass in jam.
! Girl who go to bachelor pad for snack get tit-bit
! A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
! Girl who is wallflower at party is dandelion in bed.

 

[melody]

Funnies

Sheriff walks up to a gay cowboy, and says, "pardner, you've got 5 minutes
to blow this town."
Gay cowboy looks around slowly and says, "this is a pretty big town, I'll
need a couple of hours."

============

A man is walking past a cliff and notices that a little girl is
standing close to the edge, crying her little eyes out. He goes up to her and
asks gently:
"What's wrong, honey?"
"D-d-d-daddy! "she wails pitifully."H- he fell off the cliff!"
"Awww,poor thing!" says man kindly and starts to unzip his pants. "It's
just not your day, is it?"

============

Q. What's better than screwing two eighteen year olds at once?
A. Not a damn thing!


There was a man from Cuba
Who stuck his dick in a tuba
His newly wed bride
Blew on the other side
And his dick flew off to Aruba

 

[melody]

Blondies

How do you know if a blonde has been playing with your computer?
The joystick is wet.

Why is a blonde like a stamp?
They both get licked, stuck, and then sent on their way

Why is a blonde like a shotgun?
Give her a cock and she's ready to blow

Why are blondes like TVs?
Any three year old can turn them on

Why is a blonde's coffin triangular?
Because when she lies on her back her legs open

What do you call a virgin blonde?
A myth

What did Santa say when he saw the three blondes?
Ho Ho Ho!

How can you tell if a blonde has been in the fridge?
There's lipstick on the cucumber

What are the two hardest years in a blonde's life?
Sixth grade.

There are three 6th grade girls: a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.
Which one has the biggest tits?
The blonde....she's 18.

 

[melody]

Alternate Nursery Rhymes

Peter, peter, pumpkin eater,
Had a wife, Liked to beat her,
Smacked her
twice around da head,
Fucked her ass, Den went to bed.
~
Old mother hubbard, Went to da cupboard, To get her old dog a bone.
When she bent over, Rover took over, And gave da bitch a bone of his own
~
Hickory, dickory, dock,
This bitch was sucking me cock
Da clock struck two,
I dumped me goo
And dropped her at da end of da block.
~
Mary had a little lamb,
She kept in da backyard.
When she took her panties off,
His wooly dick got hard
~
Little boy blew......, He needed da money.
~
Dere was an old lady oo lived in a shoe.
She ad so many kids Her uterus fell out, innit
~
Peter, peter, pumpkin eater,
Had a wife, Liked to beat her,
Smacked her twice around da head,
Fucked her ass, Den went to bed.
~
Old mother goose, Yeah, I fucked her
~
Jack and Jill went up da hill Each with a dollar and a quarter
Jill came down with two dollars fifty,
Da dirty hoe.
~
Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
Trim that pussy,
It's too damn hairy. bitch.
~
Little Miss Muffet,
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider,
and sat down beside her,
And said, hey,
what's in da bowl bitch?
~
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a big fall,
All da king's horses and all da king's men,
Said, served you right you fat fucker. Bitch.

 

[melody]

Pissed Off

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we
were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front
door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by
my fingernails! "

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a
lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when
they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet
is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose
right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were
only SIX inches off the ground!!"

 

[melody]

Sizes And Ages

GIRLS REACTION TO PENIS SIZES
9 INCHES - Oh Shit, pain!!
7 INCHES - Oh, I'm in heaven
6 INCHES - OH PERFECT
5 INCHES - UMMMM OK
4 INCHES - PUSH MORE
3 INCHES - IS THAT IN???
2 INCHES - IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!!

AGES OF VAGINA:
16 TO 19 - BRAND NEW.
20 TO 28 - SLIGHTLY USED
29 TO 36 - SECOND HAND
37 TO 45 - SUBJECT TO REPAIR
46 TO 55 - FOR LUBRICATION
56 TO 60 - TOTAL WRECK
61 TO 70 - CLOSED FOR RENOVATION!!!!!!!


A blonde goes into a laundromat and asks to have her sweater cleaned.

The Laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "Come again?"

The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."


A big heavy set housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, "Come here quick, Mike! I'm paralyzed! I can't get up!"

He comes in, takes a look, and says, "Stand up, you silly old bat.

You're kneeling on one of your tits."


There was a lady from Kent
To a football game she went
She stood near the goal
And opened her hole
And in the football went!

 

[melody]

Lost in a Snowstorm

A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it. Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart.

Q's & A's

Q: What happened when the blonde tried to give her boyfriend a blow-job while he was driving?
A: They both fell off the motorcycle

Q: What do a blonde and a barn have in common?
A: They always have a cock in them

Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

Q:Why did the blonde have lipstick all over her steering wheel?
A: She was trying to blow her horn

Q: How do you tell if a bank robber is blonde?
A: She ties up the safe and blows the guard.
Q: Why can't a blonde count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked down the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she had given her last blow job.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a redneck?
A: If she can chew tobacco and suck dick at the same time and still know which one to spit out.

Q: What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
A: A blow job with handle bars.

Q: What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
A: A mobile sperm bank!

 

[melody]

As I Lay Me Down To Sleep

As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman, who's very cheap.
One who's sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she's mostly wrong.
One who sucks and doesn't speak.
And promises to do so, once a week.

I pray that she is very randy,
'Cause one like that would come in handy.
Opens her legs and lies on the floor,
And once I'm done, she begs for more.

Oh, send me a woman who will not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and that's lots from behind!
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin'
And brings ME a beer, when she comes from the kitchen!

I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.
Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait,
so I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late.

Amen.


There once were three women from Birmingham
And this is the story concerning them.
They lifted the frock
and tickled the cock
of the Bishop while he was confirming them.

Now the Bishop was nobody's fool
(He'd gone to a good public school)
So he pulled down their britches
and buggered those bitches
with his ten inch Episcopal tool.

When he'd filled up the last one with goo
She said, as the Bishop withdrew
"The Vicar is thicker
and quicker and slicker
and longer and stronger than you!"

Ray and Bubba, two old Navy buddies, are on leave and decide to go to Bubba's house and get drunk. Lo and behold they run out of beer, so Bubba says that he will go for more. As he is leaving he tells his wife, Linda-Lou, to show Ray her best Southern hospitality.

She agrees.

Bubba comes back with the beer and finds Ray and Linda-Lou screwing right on the kitchen floor. Bubba yells, "What are you doing Linda-Lou?"

She replies, "You told me to show Ray my best Southern hospitality."

Bubba then says, "Well, girl, arch your back! Poor Ray's balls are on the cold floor!"

 

[melody]

Blonde Moments!

Blonde Go Ice-Fishing
This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!"

Beware the Trees
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

 

[melody]

A Nude Beach

A couple takes their son on vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got.
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A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"
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A little boy walked in on his parents having sex. He sees his mom bouncing up and down on his dad, and he says "Mommy, what are you doing?" She said, "Well, daddy's too fat so I thought I'd try to flatten him out." The boy replied, "Why bother, every Tuesday the maid comes over and blows him back up again!"
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Why is a woman like KFC?
......Because after that succulent breast and tender thighs all your left with is a greasy box to put your bone in!!!

 

[JaswinderSingh]

lol jokes nice thread