JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation.

He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.

Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. "Are you hurt?" she asks.

She replies, "Of course I'm hurt! He hasn't called! He hasn't written!"


The once was a girl named Straight
Whose pussy smelled like bait!
Whenever Jeff pounds her
The room reeks of flounder
Her twat, she needs to refrigerate.


Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk.
Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly,
points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb behind him and says,
"Dog shit, 20 feet back."


A blonde from Arkansas is going on her first overseas trip. She drives
all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport. In the passport
office, the government official sees that she is visibly puzzled
filling her passport application.

The passport official looks over her shoulder and sees the blonde
trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.

The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this
question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."
"Doesn't matter," the blonde answers.

Women's Smarts

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.

He loved money more than just about anything.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.

He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.

"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!!!!?

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."

Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman

Escaped Prisoner

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too."

 

[melody]

Disorder In Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent -- don't miss the last one.
________________________________________
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've not forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when
he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_____________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo
or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
_____________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep
, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
_____________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_____________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
____________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
____________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
____________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height
and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
_____________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_____________________________________
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school
did you go to?
A: Oral.
_____________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was
dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy.
____________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
____________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

THE DO'S AND DON'T'S OF JERKING OFF!

Do jerk off as much as you like. Don't worry you won't go blind from
jerking off unless you shoot sperm in your eye.

Do try to put yourself in an area where you won't be caught.

Do have a place to shoot your load already set up.

Do hide your spankerchief so no one can find it.

Do jerk off in the shower, as this will hide any and all evidence of
your perverted behavior.

Do drink cranberry juice as often as you can. This builds up your sperm
count incredibly!

Do not get sperm on yourself.

Do not shoot your load on a thick rug and then try to clean it up with
toilet paper.

Do not hold your load in as long as you can in hopes that you'll shoot
it across the room. This can cause irreversible damage to your johnson.

Do not flex your legs too hard before you blow your load or you'll get a
cramp and ruin the moment.

Do not use your porn magazines as your spankerchief. That is future jerk
off material and if you spunk in it, you won't be able to use it again!

Do not ever jerk off while taking a shit. That is fucking disgusting!

Do not attempt to stick your finger in your ass while jerking off. That
would make you gay. (Not that there's anything wrong with that)

Do not use Icy Hot for lubrication!

Do not, under any circumstances, try to shoot your load into your own
mouth! (unless you're gay then it's ok)

Do not participate in any group jerk off sessions or any circle jerk
events. If you do, don't get anyone else's sperm on you.

ggg

TOP 10 OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES

1. Sag, You're It!
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
4. Kick the Bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
6. Doc, Doc Goose
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
8. Hide and Go Pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10.Musical Recliners

 

[melody]

The Color Of God

A Black priest and a white priest were arguing about what
color God was.
The argument was getting heated when one of their parishioners
suggested they hold a combined prayer meeting and ask god.
"Tell us, oh God," they chanted. "If your holy presence could be
considered black or white!"
There was a pause and a great voice filled the church and said,
"I am what I am!"
"Told you so!" said the white preacher.
"What do you mean?" asked the black priest.
"Well," replied the white priest. "If god was black he'd have said,
I is what I is, man!"

{}{}{}{}{}

Why was the two-piece bikini invented?
To separate the meat section from the dairy section.

Q: Why does a necrophilia wait six weeks before he fucks a stiff ?
A: Because then he can stick in it anywhere he likes.

Q: What's blue and fucks old people?
A: Hypothermia.

Q: What did the maxi pad say to the fart?
A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

Wife: "Why don't you ever call out my name when we're making love?"
Husband: "Because I don't want to wake you."

{}{}{}{}{}

Little Johnny and Susie were playing doctor on the back porch when Susie's mom popped in on them. "You're gonna get a good lickin' when daddy gets home," she said. Susie replied, "Johnny's been doing that all afternoon."

 

[melody]

Be Careful When You Masturbate!

Let's just say, *hypothetically,* that I decided to flog my dolphin last night just before retiring for the evening.

And let's just say that when I went to pee in the morning, some dried manchowder might have dried up around the opening to my prick, blocking the flow of urine.

And let's just say that that blockage, might have caused urine to back up inside my rod for a second or two, creating an unusually fierce spray of piss pressure once said blockage was busted.

And let's just say that this high velocity piss-stream shot off at a 45-degree angle to the left because of said blockage.

Let's just imagine that this 45-degree angle cause me to hit the ear of the cat who was perched not too far away, causing said cat to FLIP OUT, screech, and perform a 4-legged leap with a half-twist and quarter roll (difficulty of 6.8).

Let's just say there may have been an empty glass resting on the back of the toilet, which may or may not have been tossed off the back of the toilet by said cat in the aforementioned jump.

That glass, we might say, falls really close to my foot, lodging a small shard of glass into my left foot.

This lodging of said glass shard may have caused me to immediately grab said left foot, creating a situation of hopping on one leg (while still relieving myself, mind you) on a tile surface which is becoming increasingly wetter by the second.

Let's just say that it only takes a few hops on one foot on a slippery surface to end a physical event of such fashion.

AND LET'S JUST SAY that once my foot was taken out from underneath me, that I crashed into the shower door, knocking it off it's tracks and causing me to fall in the shower and somehow ending in a back down, face up position, legs elevated, with blood running down my leg, pee streaming down my body to my neck, and a new head-welt with massive headache to boot.

Let this be a lesson to you, next time you feel like rubbing your pole.
------

Q: What did the tampon say to the other tampon in school?
A: I'll see you next period.
------

"It's my code," says a mailman named Drew,
"To unzip, then deliver a screw.
If virgins, when nervous,
Resist postal service,
I explain that the male must get through."

ASK AUNT NASTY

Dear Aunt Nasty,
I have a girl that I'm banging, she lives in the next state, about 350
miles from me, I see her about once a month, and we have a great sexual
relationship and are in love, she is planning on moving in with me this
summer. the problem is oral sex, in that she will not give it to me, I
know she does not like to suck, and this is something that I feel I need
to have a long term relationship work. I could probably coerce her into
doing it, but knowing her heart wasn't into it would probably destroy
the fun in it for me. should I tell her not to move in here with me, and
end the relationship? or should I just let her move here and hope thinks
work out?
Gene

Dear Gene,

My Goodness!! I sometimes think the world has lost all sense of
reality... Your letter is so full of contradictive statements, that I
must insist, you need to seek help for your problem. You obviously
don't know if you are coming or going. How can you have a great sexual
relationship, if you are not getting what you need?
How can you say you are in love, when you are already ending the
relationship before she even moves in?? Oh yeah and since when did a
woman's enjoyment or the lack thereof, make any difference in your
enjoyment of it. Just close your eyes and fantasize. Be a MAN!

And after you receive help from a good therapist...remember Aunt Nasty
loves oral sex, and is reputed to give the best head this side of the
atlantic...

Aunt Nasty

Dear Auntie,
This matter is getting old. (maybe that's the problem) My problemis
still that LEG. You know the one that doesn't want to help much.It seems
that now more than ever it's being LAZY.
Please tell me, how can I get it motivated? Or what do you suggest I do
to encourage it? And don't tell me VIAGRA, the last thing it needs is a
crutch.

Signed
Kansas K_ _ _ _ _

Dear Kansas,
You poor poor thing...You are in terrible shape, aren't you?? There is
an old adage that says "Use it, or lose it!" The more you exercise that
leg, the more you will be able to use it. I suggest that you start by
stroking it at least a little each day, until such time that you have
"assistance". AND I would never suggest Viagra,
If I can't get a man hard by "natural" means then it means he is either
dead or homosexual, and with my oral talents, even the gays don't stand
a chance. I would suggest you cum see me, but from your letters I don't
think you would be "up" to satisfying my voracious hunger! But if you
start a regular "exercise" regime, you might be
able to build up the "stamina to go the distance."

Aunt Nasty

 

[melody]

Arnold

A blonde guy goes to the big football game, he has great seats on
the 50 yard line, 8 rows up, perfect.

Just before kickoff he hears someone behind him yelling,

"Arnold, we're up here, Arnold!"

He turns around and misses the kickoff! A short while later, just
as the quarterback throws a long bomb, the same guy starts
yelling,

"Hey Arnold, we're up here, Arnold!!"

Again he turns around and again he misses the play

This goes on for every big play. He hears the guy shouting,

"Hey Arnold, look up here!" He turns around and misses the play.

Finally, fuming mad, he turns around, pulls out his binoculars
and scans the crowd for the guy doing all the yelling. He
eventually spots him, after missing yet another big play. He runs
up the stands, nearly to the top of the stadium. Pulls the guy
out into the aisle, picks him up by the lapels and shouts,

"Shut-up, my name isn't Arnold!!"

+++++

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from skipping."

One Hole Behind

A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting. He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.

While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request.

She said "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell"?

She replied, "if I told you, you would only laugh." "No I wouldn't", he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.

"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."

With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said "see I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

 

[melody]

Country Club Braggart

An important executive was telling friends at his country club about
some of his experiences. "So I bought this yacht that could carry fifty
people and I took it out for a maiden voyage and it hit a reef and sunk.

"Then I bought an airplane and on the first flight it hit another plane
on the field and burned up.

"Then I married this beautiful blonde and no sooner did I get home than
I found her fooling around with the chauffeur and I had to divorce her."


"So what's the moral?" one of the others asked.

"Clear as a bell," said the old man. "If it swims, flies, or fucks,
lease it, don't buy it."

¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤

Q: How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?
A: Give the bitch a shovel.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Let's keep incest in the family.

Constipation is the thief of time; diarrhea waits for no man.

Q: Why did Dorothy get lost in Oz?
A: She had three men giving her directions.

Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide all his eggs?
A: He doesn't want you to know that he fucks chickens.

A Trip To Rome

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome?
Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something
special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small,
the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him.
He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's
brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine
were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel,
the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave
us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the
shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the
Pope walked through the door and shook my hand; I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"

 

[melody]

Not A Virgin

A girl about to be married confessed to her close friend that she was
not, as her fiance thought, a virgin. She asked her friend what to do.
"No Problem," said the friend, "Just buy a piece of raw liver and shove
it up inside you. It will make you tight and he will never know the
difference." The girl followed this advice and on her wedding night the
groom consummated the marriage with tremendous energy in the bed, on the
floor, in the bathtub, under the kitchen table, everywhere. She fell
asleep blissfully, but when she awoke she was devastated to find the
following note pinned to her pillow: Dear Jane: Last night was pure
heaven. Unfortunately, since we will never be able to repeat that
performance, I am leaving you forever.

P.S. Your pussy is in the sink.

@@@@@

What your sleeping position says about you!

According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say
the position you sleep in says a lot about you.

They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who
sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on
their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.

@@@@@

There once was the plumber from Leigh
was plumbing his maid by the sea
said the maid: stop plumbing
I hear someone coming
said the plumber, still plumbing, its me

Elephant Jokes!

Q: Why are elephants large, gray, and wrinkled?
A: Because if they were small, white, and smooth they would be aspirins.

Q: Why did the elephant wear dark sunglasses?
A: So he wouldn't be recognized.

Q: What did Tarzan say when the elephant came up over the hill?
A: Nothing. He didn't recognize the elephant because he was wearing dark sunglasses.

Q: What did the cat say to the elephant?
A: Meow.

Q: Why do elephants wear red toenail polish?
A: Oops, sorry, no Polish jokes allowed.

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A: So they can hide in the strawberry patch.

Q: But there aren't any elephants in the strawberry patch!
A: See, their camouflage is working.

Q: How do you get an elephant to the top of an oak tree?
A: Plant an acorn under him and wait 50 years.

Q: What if I don't want to wait 50 years?
A: Put a parachute on the elephant and drop him from a helicopter.

Q: How do you get an elephant down from an oak tree?
A: Tell him to sit on a leaf and wait until autumn.

Q: Why are alligators long and flat?
A: They must have gotten too close to the oak tree.

Q: What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
A: About 3000 miles.

Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a flea?
A: An elephant can have fleas, but a flea can't have elephants.

Q: What's the difference between an elephant and an egg?
A: If you don't know, I hope you don't do the grocery shopping!

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: It was the chicken's day off.

Q: Why did the Frenchman sprinkle salt on the road?
A: To keep elephants away.

Q: But there are no elephants in France.
A: See, it's working!

Q: What do you do with a blue elephant?
A: Cheer him up.

Q: Where is the best place to see a herd of charging elephants?
A: On television.

Q: How do you keep an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.

 

[melody]

A man says to girlfriend, "I'm feeling kinky tonight. How about I cum in your ear, baby?"

His girlfriend answers, "No way! I might go deaf."

Her guy replies dryly, "Bullshit! I've been cumming in your mouth for twenty years, and you never shut the fuck up."

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤«

According to a new survey, 76 percent of men said what they look for most in a woman is intelligence, a sense of humor and a good personality. Good looks, big titties and a great ass don't count when selecting a woman.

This survey was published in "Full Of Shit Magazine."

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤«

A camel and an elephant meet.
The elephant asked the camel:
"Why do you have your breasts on your back?"
The camel, clearly irritated, replies:
"What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤«

An ugly woman was walking along the street and a guy comes and asks her, "Are those two kids yours?"

"Yes," sad the lady.

"Are they twins?"

"No, no, the girl is 12 and my boy is 7. How come you think that they are twins?"

"Because I can't believe someone as ugly as you has been screwed twice."

I Want A Raise

Our maid asked for a raise, and my wife was upset about what she was thinking and decided to talk to her about it. She asked, "Maria, why do you want a raise?"
Maria: "Well, 3 reasons. First, I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband, he say so."
Wife: "Oh!"
Maria: "Second reason, I cook better than you do."
Wife: "Not true, who said that?"
Maria: "Your husband, he say I cook better."
Wife: "Oh!"
Maria: "Third reason is that I am better lover than you."
Wife (really angry now): "My husband said that, too?"
Maria: "No, the gardener, he say I better lover than you."

SAD NEWS
Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough and Dill Dough. Plus, they have one in the Oven. Services were held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

MOWING THE LAWN
So I was sitting out on the front porch watching my girlfriend mow the lawn when this old lady comes to the fence and yells, "You ought to be hung, making her mow the lawn in this heat."
I called back, "I am, that is why she is mowing the lawn."
"Headache"
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Only on Saturdays," she says.The doctor advises her to do it more frequently, since it invigorates and boosts circulation.
"I can't," says the woman. "All those other nights I am home with my husband and have a headache."

 

[melody]

The Usual Way

When the gynecologist confirmed her suspicion that she was pregnant, Ann got a little scared. "It will be my first baby," she confessed with a blush, "and I do not actually know the first thing about how babies are delivered."
"Do not worry about a thing," reassured the doctor. "It is really not all that different from how the baby got started in the first place."
Startled, Ann exclaimed, "You mean, five tequila shooters and then a ride in Charlie's truck?"
_______

The young hooker reports for her first day at the brothel. The madam says to her, "Do you have any questions?"
The hooker replies, "Yes, I was wondering how long penises should be sucked?"
The madam says, "The same as the short ones."
_______

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I do not sell more cars this month, I am going to lose my fucking ass." Too late, he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.
"That is okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem. If I do not sell more ass this month, I am going to lose my fucking car."

As Day Approaches Night

As day approaches nightfall
My tongue has one desire
To slip between the lips of your pussy
Ignite that lustful fire

Fingers play along the rim,
To search for growing clit
To gently probe around her base
Add tender subtle flick

Fingers reach, and gently search
To find that special spot
The one to inflame passion
In a pussy now red hot

You start to shake, and quiver now
Your pussy is alive
As orgasm engulfs you
The goal, for which I strive
~Author unknown

Ö¿Ö¬

Rose walked into a Lexus dealership. She browses around,
then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As
she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart
escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to
see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales
person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there
standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this
lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are
going to shit when you hear the price."


The bar was getting ready to close,
so Robert asked the nearest woman,
What would you say to a little 'oral' activity?
That all depends, she quickly responded.
Your face, or mine?

Ö¿Ö¬

A man has just jacked off and is staring at the sperm in his hand.

He says thoughtfully, "Any of you could have been a great person.
Perhaps a scientist, a best selling author, even the President of the United States."

He then raises his hand and licks it clean.

"Guess I'll give you another chance."

What I've learned ...

I've learned
That it's not what you have in your life that counts ...
But how much you have in your bank accounts

I've learned
That you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes ...
After that, you'd better have huge tits

I've learned
That you shouldn't compare yourself to others ...
They are more fucked up than you think

I've learned
To say ~ Fuck'm if they can't take a joke !

Ö¿Ö¬

My husband calls me a double bagger.
Not only does my husband put a
bag over my face when we're making love, but he also
puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.

 

[melody]

Performance Appraisals Revisited

GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS ......= Able to bullshit
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS ......= Spends lots of time on phone
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE ...............= Not too bright
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED ...= Made no major blunders yet
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY .........= Too ugly to get a date
ACTIVE SOCIALLY ................= Drinks a lot
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY ......= Spouse drinks, too
INDEPENDENT WORKER .............= Nobody knows what he/she does
QUICK THINKING .................= Offers plausible excuses
CAREFUL THINKER ................= Won't make a decision
AGGRESSIVE .....................= Obnoxious
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS ...= Gets someone else to do it
EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL ......= Speaks English
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL .= A nit picker
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES .......= Is tall or has a loud voice
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT ...= Lucky
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR ...........= Knows a lot of dirty jokes
CAREER MINDED ..................= Back Stabber
LOYAL ..........................= Can't get a job anywhere else

*****

Heading for Trouble

A guy and his son go into a bar. The son is just a head though. The man asks the bartender for two shots. The man takes one shot and gives the other one to his son. The son swallows down the drink and out pops an arm. The man thought,''Hey this is good.'' So he asks for two more shots. He drinks one and gives the other to his son again, and out pops another arm. The man the asks for a double and gives it to his son. The son throws it down and suddenly explodes. The bartender looks over at the man and says,'' Looks like he should have quit while he was ahead.'

An Italian In Detroit

You must use an Italian accent for this joke to work:

One Day Ima go to Detroit to a Bigga Otel, I go down to eata breakfast,

I tella waitress, I wanna two pisses of toast. She brings me only one
piss.
I tella her I wanta two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say to her
you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better not
piss on the plate you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and
she calla me a sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eats lunch at drake restaurant. The waitress bringa me a
spoon anda knife but no fock. I tella her, I wanna fock. She tella me
everybody wanna fock. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on
the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna Ma
bitch.

So I go back to my room inna Otel, and there's no sheet on my bed. I
calla the manager anna tella him I wanna sheet. He tells me to go to
the toilet.
So I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on my bed. He say you better
not sheet on the bed you sonna ma bitch.

I go to check out anda the man at the desk say. Peace to you, I say
Piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch.

I go back to Italy.


An American businessman is in Japan. The Japanese
businessmen take him out, get him drunk, and send him
upstairs with a hooker.

As he's fucking her, she starts screaming, "Nashagai ana!
Nashagai ana!"

He's going, "Yeah, baby, take it all..." He keeps pumping,
and she keeps screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!"

The next day he's playing golf with one of the Japanese guys,
and he slices the ball, and it goes way off to the right.
The Japanese businessman says, "Nashagai ana."

The American asks, "What does that mean?"

The Japanese replies, "Wrong hole."

 

[melody]

He Is Going To Die

Two guys are out hunting and the one stops to take a pee and while he has his penis out he gets bit on the head of his penis by a snake.

The other hunter takes out his cell phone to call his family doctor to ask what he should do for his friend.

The doctor replies, "make a small incision between the two fang marks and suck the poison out and then take him to the hospital for further treatment".

The hunter that was bitten asked his friend what the doctor said and the other hunter replied "you're gonna die".
---------

The difference in definition between "guts" and "balls"

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the lads,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your
wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty".
---------

A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, "I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang...so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear..."

"But how did you burn the other ear?" The doctor asked.

"How do you think I called you people?"

Lesbianism

These two lesbians walked into a bar One extremely pretty and one extremely ugly.

The pretty one said to the ugly one "I get us a drink".

So she walked up to the bar and said to the bar-tender "Two Jim beams and coke"

The bartender got the drinks and said, "That's $10."

She said, "I don't have any money."

The bartender said, "Well how are you going to pay for them?"

She replied, "I'll show you my tits."

He looked at her and replied, "O.K."

So she showed him her tits, then took the drinks back to the table.

The ugly one said,"How did you pay for those?"

The pretty one said, "I showed him my tits and he gave them to me for free!"

The ugly one said, "I try that." So she walked up to the bartender and said,

"Two Jim beams and coke please".

The bartender said, "That will be $10 please."

The ugly one turned around and said, "I don't have any money!"

The bartender said, "Well how are you going to pay for them?"

She replied, "I will show you my tits"

He replied back, "You're ugly so your tits will be ugly!"

So the ugly one said, "O.K. then I will let you smell my friends pussy!"

The bartender replied, "What that one over there?" (pointing to the good looking one) She said "Yeah."

The bartender said, "Sure!"

So the ugly one leaned over the bar and breathed in his face.

 

[melody]

Translating "Personals"

GUIDE TO TRANSLATING "PERSONAL" ADVERTISEMENTS

Independent Thinker . . . . . . . Crazy.

High-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy, hyperactive, and throws things.

Free-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy and irresponsible.

Ample . . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.

Huggable . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.

Zaftig . . . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY Large.

Fat and Sassy . . . . . . . . . Large and loudmouthed.

Slender . . . . . . . . . . . . Skinny.

Svelte . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anorexic.

Petite (I am). . . . . . . . . . Short.

Petite (you are) . . . . . . . . Size 2.

Dynamic . . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy.

Assertive . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy with a mean streak.

Excited About Life's Journey . . No concept of reality.

Moody . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive.

Unpredictable . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and off medication.

Soulful . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and quiet.

Poetic . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and boring.

Looking for Mr/Ms Right. . . . . Looking for Mr/Ms Rich.

Very Human . . . . . . . . . . . Quasimodo.

Uninhibited . . . . . . . . . . Lacking basic social skills.

Irreverent . . . . . . . . . . . Mean and lacking basic social skills.

Aging Child . . . . . . . . . . Self-centered adult.

Freedom-loving . . . . . . . . . Undependable.

Young at Heart . . . . . . . . . Over 40.

Youthful . . . . . . . . . . . . Over 50 and in major denial.

Chatty . . . . . . . . . . . . . Never shuts up.

Humorous . . . . . . . . . . . . Watches too much TV and never shuts up.

Financially secure (I am). . . . Has a job.

Financially secure (you are) . . Rich.

Affectionate . . . . . . . . . . Horny.

Romantic . . . . . . . . . . . . Horny.

Passionate . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY horny.

Construction Worker

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One
day a construction crew turned up to build a house on the lot.
The family's six-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next door. She hung around and
eventually the construction workers adopted her as a kind of
mascot. They chatted to her and gave her little jobs to do and at
the end of the week presented her with a pay envelope containing
a dollar.

She took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate
words of admiration and suggested that they take it to the bank
the next morning to deposit it in her account.

When they went to the bank, the teller was equally impressed, and
asked the little girl how she had come by her earnings.

"I've been building a house this week," she replied proudly.

"Goodness!" said the teller. "And will you be building a house
next week, too?"

"Yes," answered the little girl. "If we ever get the fucking
bricks."

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*

Jenny, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys
at the age of 19. Today she was asking her aunt Martha for advice with
boys.

"Martha," she started, "I've just started French kissing Tommy and I
need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble on my
boyfriend."

"Swallow." her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular
later on."

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*

Q: What happened when the blonde robbed the bank?
A: She tied up the safe and blew the guard.

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*

Managing to pull himself onto the bus early one morning, the drunk stumbled over passengers, knocked over bags and briefcases, and finally fell into a seat beside a prim old woman. He slumped over her, and she pushed him back. “Mister,” she said indignantly. “I hate to say it, but you are going straight to hell!”

Startled, the drunk leapt to his feet. “Christ, I’m on the wrong bus!”

 

[melody]

The Tent Pole

John woke up one morning with an enormous erection so he turned over to
his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened
though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little
boy into the room and asked him to bring it to his wife. The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her
husband. The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son
to bring it to his wife. The note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her
husband. The note read:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*

How do you fuck a fat chick?
Get a pound of hamburger and a poodle. Put the hamburger in her pussy,
and while the dog eats the hamburger, fuck it up the ass.

Older And Balder

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge.

"Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute.

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up on her fat ass ...

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤«

Yo mama's so greasy, she sweats Crisco
Yo mama's so greasy, she sweats butter and syrup and has a full time job at Denny's wiping pancakes across her forehead.
Yo mama's so greasy, she squeezes Crisco from her hair to bake cookies.
Yo mama's so greasy, she uses bacon as a band aid.
Yo mama's so greasy, I buttered my popcorn with her leg hairs.
Yo mama's so greasy, her freckles slipped off.

 

[melody]

Funny Chit

Husband wakes at 5 in the morning feeling realy horny, He nudges his wife and says,"honey give me a blow job." His wife says, "sweetheart i'm tired, just have a wank in a glass and ill drink it in the morning."

Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people have a chance to have sex
Q: What are the bumps for around a woman's nipples?
A: It's Braille for "Suck here"!
Q: What do gay termites eat?
A: Wood Peckers.

Shagga and Ferret went to the Pub for a few drinks,
Shagga says to Ferret,
”Mate,would you screw a Sheila (female) that had bad
Breath and rotten teeth”
Ferret looks at Shagga aghast and says”No way”
“Mate,would you Screw a Sheila that was 50kg
Overweight and had skin rashes and Ezcma”.
“Stop,your making me sick”replies Ferret.
“Mate,would you screw a Sheila that had bad body
Odor, didn’t shave under her armpits and had Tinea
Between her toe’s and a smelly rash in her groin”.
Ferret turns a sickly white “Yuk,of course I wouldn’t,
that’s to disgusting to even think about”.

“SO HOW COME YOUR SCREWING MY MISSUS THEN”.

BIRTHDAYS of UNIMPORTANT PEOPLE

Feb.16th...Melissa Gersh-First woman to be penetrated with a Viagra
enhanced penis.

Jun.7th... Carlos Jeromack-Inventor of the cardboard man hole cover.

Nov.23rd...Gloria Wouwerman-Last woman to board a lifeboat on the
Titanic, before it sailed.

Mar.13th...Isaac Grimaldi-Opened the first Kosher restaurant in Saudi
Arabia.

Dec.3rd...Jacques Q. Moed-Paid $6.4 million at Christie's auction for
the original Cinderella slipper (autographed by her stepmother).

Apr.25th...Helen Bardot-Made millions by adding numbers to alphabet soup

recipe.

July 5th...Gerard K. Nerney Jr.-Sued 'K-Mart' claiming they used his
middle initial without his authorization (settled for $1.49).

Oct.18th...Rodrigo Keller-Patented the first contact lens for seeing-eye
dogs.

Jan.30th...Jessica Rolex-Developed soundless wind chimes.

Aug.2nd...Rev.Francis Goldblum-Proposed that 'death by stoning' become
an alternative to the electric chair or lethal injections
...hey it's biblical.

May 22nd...Sherry Sugarman-Successfully marketed recycled pixels to
third world countries.

Sept.9th...Dr.Vinton Fiorina-Locates surplus mother's milk for needy
infants in large families.

~~~~~~

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this
see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother
is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She
explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and
that it is just not appropriate.

"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I
can display my hanging baskets."

 

[melody]

Still A Virgin

There was this old lady about 80 years old who had amassed a vast
fortune in her life and the surprising this was she was a virgin as the day she was

born. Since she had never married, she decided she would like to get
merried. But she wanted to marry a man who was as virgin as she was.
So she used some of her fortune and searched the world over to find this
virgin man.
Finally she found him in Australia. Due to their ages, the courship was

brief. And after the ceremony thry retired to their suite in the hotel.
while she was in the bathroom getting all gussied up, she heard this
awful noise in the other room.
She stuck her head out to see and saw her new husband had moved all the
furniture to one corner of the room.

She says,"MY God man, what are you doing?"

He says, "Well missy, I haven't made love to a woman before, but if it
is anything like screwing a kangaroo, I"m going to need all the room I can
get."
--------------------

A drunk man was casually taking a leak into a drinking fountain in
the park. A police officer came up to him and yelled frantically,
"What the hell do you think you`re doing? There`s a public toilet
just half a block away!"

The man, amazed, yells back, "What do you think I have, a hose?!"


Johnny was working at the fish plant in Carbonear when he accidentally
cut off all ten of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in St. John's .

The doctor looked at Johnny and said "Let's have the fingers, and I'll
see what I can do."

John said , "I haven't got the fingers."

What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2009. We've got
microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put
them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

John says, " How the hell was I supposed to pick them up!!!."
=======
Just as he was leaving for work the man's wife told him that there was a leak in the plumbing.

He told her to call a plumber and have it fixed.

When he got to work he gave her a call and asked "Has the plumber come yet?"

She replied "Not quite but I've got him breathing hard."
=======
A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."

 

[melody]

Talking About Sex

A man and his son were talking about sex. The son asked his father, "dad, what does a pussy look like?"
The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"
"Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied.
The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"
"Yeah" said the son.
"Well, what about after sex?" said the son.
His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!!
-----------
Women are just like orange juice cartons.
Its not the shape or the size that matters,
or even how sweet the juice is.
It's getting those flaps to open!
-----------
Q: What's the useless skin around a vagina called?
A: The woman.

Q)What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A)Divorced


Q: Why did God invent yeast infections?
A: So that women too would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt!

Addicted To Cigars

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, re wrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."


I was lying in bed with my blonde girlfriend last night when she said, "I think my boobs are too small, I'm going to get a boob job."

"Hmm," I replied, "my hands are too small... what do you think I should do?"

"Do you want a hand job?"

She's a keeper.


There once was a husky young Viking
Whose sexual prowess was striking.
Every time he got hot
He would scour the twat
Of some girl that might be to his liking.
It always delights me at Hank's
To walk up the old river banks.
One time in the grass
I stepped on an ass,
And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."

 

[melody]

A Redneck Girl

This Redneck girl asks her father if she could borrow the car to
go out one Friday night. Her Pa says to her "Okay, but you know
what ya gotta do first." So, she gets down on her knees and starts
sucking. After a few strokes, she stops and says, "Hey Pa, why
does your dick taste like shit?" To which her dad replies " Aw hell,
I forgot, your brother has the car tonight!"
=======
Down at the Bowery a wino told his drinking buddy, "I'll never forget the
first time I turned to drink as a substitute for women.
"Yeah ? What happened?" his friend inquired.
"I got my dick stuck in the neck of the bottle." the wino answered.
=======
Q. What Do You Call A 1000 Pound Woman On A Bar Stool With A New Condom?
A. 1/2 Ton Pickup With Good Rubber!

Q. What Do You Call A 400 Pound Woman Who Likes Both Men And Women?
A. A Bisexual Built For 2!

SEX: The only activity where you start at the top and work your way
to the bottom, while getting a raise.

Penis: The only thing that a woman hopes she will find hard to handle.

Q. What Do You Call A Female Midget Who's Nice And Gives Head?
A. Short, Sweet, And To The Point!

 

[melody]

Cannibals

Three ecologists are exploring the deep jungles of the Amazon
searching for new plant life when they are captured by a tribe of
cannibals. They are taken back to the village to be tried by the
chief. The chief stares at the white men and is about to give the
usual 'let's boil them alive' orders, when he gets an idea.

"I shall let each of you go," he says, "if you can go out into
the jungle and within one hour, come back with 10 identical
pieces of fruit." The men are overjoyed when they hear this so
off they run into the jungle to gather fruit.

Half an hour later one of them comes back with 10 peaches and
proudly brings them to the chief. The chief looks at the fruit
and tells him that he will let him go if he can shove all 10
pieces of fruit up his rear end without changing his
facial expression.

He notices all the serious faces of the tribesmen so he starts to
shove one up there, but with the peach halfway in he lets out an
agonizing shriek of pain. The chief promptly gives the order to
kill him.

10 minutes later the second guy comes back and sees his friend
lying dead in the dirt. The tribesmen grab him and tell him to
open his hands for the chief. In his hands he holds 10 identical
berries. When the chief gives the same orders he is visibly
relieved and quickly begins to shove the fruit up his rear end.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9... and suddenly the guy busts
out laughing! Not amused, the chief once again gives the order to
kill the guy.

Now the two dead guys are up in heaven discussing what had just
happened. "You only had one more berry to shove up and you were
home free! Why did you start laughing?"

"I couldn't help it. I lost it when I saw Fred coming down the
path with 10 pineapples!"

=====

Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.
Schizophrenia beats being alone
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

 

[melody]

Two Bar Women

This man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the
way. He calls the bartender over and says, "I'd like to buy those two
ladies a drink."

The bartender replies, "It won't do you any good."

The man, with a confused look on his face says, "It doesn't matter, I
want to buy those women a drink."

The bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and the ladies
acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads. About a half-hour
later, the man approaches the women and says, "I'd like to buy you two
another drink."

The women both reply, "It won't do you any good."

The man says, "I don't understand. What do you mean it won't do me any
good?"

The first lady says, "We're lesbians."

The man replies, "Lesbians? What are lesbians?"

The second woman replies, "Lesbians... We like to lick pussies."

The man says, "Bartender, three beers for us lesbians."

**********

At the YMCA one day, a really fat man called Auschef got out of the
shower and Thorn saw him.
Thorn said, "I don't mean to be rude, but you are FAT!"
Auschef said, "Yeah, I know I'm really big."
Thorn asked, "Man, how long's it been since you've seen your dick?"
Auschef says, "LONG time, Man."
Thorn asks, "Well, why don't you diet?"
Auschef asks, "WHY? What color is it now?"

 

[melody]

John's Wife

John gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been crying.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."

"WHAT!!" he shouts.

With that he grabs a baseball bat from the closet and storms down to the doctor's office, straight through the reception. Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of giving another lady an examination. She screams and tries to cover herself.

Without waiting, John charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert, how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!!"

The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith but there has been a misunderstanding. I told your wife she has Acute Angina."

*****

Husband and wife in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: "Oh, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He: "I found the remote."

My Cock Is So Big...

My cock is so big, its a tight fit when I'm bangin' your loose momma!
My cock is so big, there's still snow on it in the summertime.
My cock is so big, I have to call it Mr. Cock in front of company.
My cock is so big, it won't return Spielberg's calls.
My cock is so big, it graduated a year ahead of me from high school.
My cock is so big, clowns climb out of it when I cum.
My cock is so big, it was overthrown by a military coup. It's now known
as the Democratic Republic of My Cock.
My cock is so big, it has casters.
My cock is so big, I'm already fucking a girl tomorrow.
My cock is so big, ships use it to find their way into the harbor.
My cock is so big, there was once a movie called Godzilla vs. My Cock.
My cock is so big, I entered it in a big-cock contest and it came in
first, second, and third.
My cock is so big, it has a three-picture deal.
My cock is so big that the head of it has only seen my balls in
pictures.
My cock is so big, Henry Aaron used it to hit his 750th home run.
My cock is the Walrus, goo goo g'joob .
No matter where I go, My cock always gets there first.