JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Theory And Reality

A little boy had a homework assignment to compare theory and reality. The boy asked his father what the difference was between theory and reality. His father told him to ask his mother if she would give the mailman a blowjob for a million dollars. The boy asks his mother and she says she would. The boy tells his father she would give the mailman a blowjob for a million dollars. The father then tells the boy to ask his sister if she would give the mailman a blowjob for a million dollars. The boy asks his sister and she to says she would give the mailman a blowjob for a million dollars. The boy goes and tells his father both his mom and his sister would give the mailman a blowjob for a million dollars. "Well, in theory we're multimillionaires, but in reality we live with two cocksuckers" replies the father.

-----------

A couple are in the maternity ward of the hospital, waiting to see their first born child. The doctor comes in and says, "I have some bad news for you. Your child has been born with severe deformities."
The mother looks at the doctor and says, "Does he have legs?" "Well," replied the doc,"It's worse than that."
The mother asks, "Does he have arms?" "Well," replied the doctor, "It's worse than that. I think you had better come and see for yourself."
The doctor takes the couple to the intensive care ward, and there, lying all by itself on a bed, is a massive eye.
"Here is your child," the doc says, "I told you it was severe. All there is of him is an eye."
The father replies, "Well we will love him anyway!"
"That's not the worse news." The doc said, "It's blind!"

-----------

A man applied for a job with the council, but failed the medical because he didn't have any balls. Finally he managed to convince the doctor and the boss that it wouldn't make any difference to the way he worked.
"OK," said the boss, "you can take the job, but just one thing, you have to start at 8am every morning."
"Why," asked the man, "every one else starts at 7:30 am."
"Yeah," replied the boss, "but they stand around for half an hour scratching their balls!"

Migraines

A fellow went to see his doctor because he was having terrible
migraines. His doctor examined him and said. "Sorry, but there isn't
anything that I can do for you medically. But I will tell you what helps
me when I have a migraine. I get my wife to wet a face cloth with hot
water - as hot as she can safely carry - then she rubs it gently over my
forehead and after that we make wild, passionate love and my headache
disappears." The patient says, "I can't live with these headaches, so
anything is worth a try, no matter how far-fetched it sounds." A couple
of weeks go by and the fellow comes back to the doctor and he is
ecstatic. "Doc" he says, "you are a miracle worker. I tried your method
and have been able to get rid of every headache I've had since I talked
to you. By the way, you have a nice house!"
__________
Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced
" Please prepare for a crash landing ".

The first lady put on all her jewelry . Surprised by this the other
ladies questioned her actions.

The first lady replied, well when they come to rescue us they will see
that I am rich and will rescue me first.

The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her
top and bra.
Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well
when they come to rescue us they will see my great tits and will take
me first.

The third lady who was African not wanting to be out done took off her
pants and panties.
Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned,
well they always search for the black box first.
__________
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell
them apart.
__________
‎95% of all people have hemorrhoids.
The other 5% are perfect assholes!

 

[melody]

Masked Halloween Party

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.
The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party
and have a good time.
Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she
argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told
him there was no need for him to miss the fun.
So he took his costume and
away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened
without pain, and as it was still early she decided to go to the party.
Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have
some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not
around.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around
on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and
copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to
him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and
dry and devoted his time to the new action.
She let him go as far as he
wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off
they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking
at midnight, she slipped out, went home, put the costume away and got into
bed, wondering what kind of excuse he would have for his notorious
behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him
what he had done.
He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when
you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll
tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party I met
Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker
all evening.
But I'll tell you...the guy that I loaned my costume to sure
had one hell of a time!"

++++++++

A little girl and he mother were taking a walk in the park when they stumbled on two dogs having sex. The little girl asked her mom. What are they doing? Not knowing what to say the mom quickly answers, they are baking a cake. The next morning the little girl walks up to her mom and says. Mommy, I know what you and daddy were doing last night, the mom asks what?.... you two where baking a cake. The mom asks; and how do you know? The little girl says cause I wiped the icing off the couch to watch TV!

+++++++

One-day tits, ass, and pussy were all having a nice day. Tits asked ass how was his day, he replied, “boring as ever. I did nothing but shit all day.” Then ass asked tits how was their day, they replied, "oh nothing, just a little wet from here and there and always being held”. Pussy was so quiet, so tits and ass asked pussy how was his day, and he replied, “It was terrible, some big guy busted through the door, pinned me on the wall, and spit in my face.”

Shorties

I'll bet ******* Web sites* would be more successful if
they would just include yes/no check boxes for pragmatic
characteristics like "enjoys farting loudly in public" and
"sucks one mean-ass cock."
=====
Remember: People who live in glass houses
can see you masturbating in their bushes.
=====
The 3 tragedies in a man's life:
1- life sucks
2- job sucks
3- Wife does NOT!
=====
They now say that tests on monkeys prove that HIV can be transmitted
through oral sex. What I want to know is, what weirdo was hired to blow
the monkeys ?
=====
Unlike those perverted sickos,
I masturbate while only *imagining*
myself wearing women's clothes.
=====
"Well," replies Fred, "truth be known, I'm just bored with screwin the
same hole night after night after night.
I guess I'm hankering' for a bit of variety."

Jim replied, "Well, if you want variety, why don't you just, you know,
turn her over every now and again?"

Fred says, "What? And have a house full of kids?"
=====
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
=====
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."

 

[melody]

How To Shit Like a Woman

Under no circumstances, use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any stomach pain may be caused while waiting to get home.

With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pot by your boyfriend/husband. Also, wipe his pubes off the seat with some toilet paper.

Flush the toilet twice before starting. Then wash your hands three times.

Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).

Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent any chance of a splash back.

Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat (hover) over the seat as opposed to taking any risk of touching it with bare flesh.

Release solids, but DO NOT make any sounds whatsoever.

Rise and quickly flush before direct eye contact is made with any feces.

Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per role).

Wipe once and throw paper into the pot. Do not look at the paper at all.

Repeat the previous two steps at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sport.

Flush the toilet twice, bleach it, and leave the lid in the down position for your husband/boyfriend - this is now law in most civilized countries.

Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.

Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.

Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.


Guy walks into a bar and sees his friend, head hanging down, nursing a drink. Naturally he walks over and asks "What's Wrong?" His friend replied, "I'm in deep shit. This morning the police arrested me for pissing in the shower. The first guy says, "That's kind of gross but I there's no law against it." His friend answered, "I didn't think it was a big deal either but those people at Home Depot are being real shit heads.


A man was sitting next to a woman in a mini bus that was traveling on a long and lonely highway for hours. It was beginning to rain; so all the windows were closed. The man needed to fart, but was scared that the woman would smell.

Very gingerly he lifted his tail and farted silently, he smelt it and wanted to form a conversation with the woman just in case she smelt it. He looked out the window and said to her "You see that black cloud in the sky? That has rain behind it."

She then said, "You smell that fart? That has shit behind it."

The Sheepherder And The Tough Woman

A sheepherder made it in to San Antonio, Texas, after 10 years in the
bush. He found a saloon and approached the bartender. He told the
bartender "I need a woman."

The bartender said, "There are women all over San Antone for a price."

The sheepherder replied, "Just any woman won't do. I ain't fucked
nuthin' but goats 'n sheep for the last ten years. They got cockle
burrs 'n mesquite thorns around their pussy and my old dick is tough
with calluses on it, and I need a good tough piece of ass."

So the bartender tells him, "Well, you're in luck. The toughest broad
in all San Antonio has a room right up stairs." The bartender picks up
the phone, contacts the lady, explains the situation, and tells the
sheepherder to go on up.

The sheepherder gets a small ice bucket with two Lone Star long necks
(the favorite brew in San Atone), and proceeds up the stairs. When he
gets to the room he says, "The barkeep told me you are the toughest
broad in town."

The lady is livid, and says, "Well he's a lyin' son of a bitch. I'm the
toughest broad in Texas, and probably in the whole United States."

Excitedly, the sheep herder says, "Well, you're just what I'm looking
for." He then turned and leaned over to set the bucket of beer on the
coffee table.

Just then, the woman threw her skirt up around her waist and bent over
and grabbed her ankles. Her brown eye was looking him right in the
eyeball.

A bit surprised, the sheepherder says, "Damn, baby. I know you're
tough, but I don't wanna do ya that way."

To which the wench replies, "Who said any thing about that? I thought
you wanted to open your damn beers."

^~*~^~*~^~*~

Q: How many feminists does it take to get to the center of a
tootsie-pop?
A: None, they are all too busy sucking my dick.

Q: What do a gun and a wife have in common?
A: Keep 'em around the house long enough and you're bound to shoot 'em.

Q: What does a 14 year old girl from Tasmania say after the first time that she has sex?
A: Get off of me Dad you're crushing my cigarettes..

Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat.

 

[melody]

Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their
little angel appeared to be in good health, they were
concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared,
"Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, and there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me ?"

"Just take two," Betty replied.

"The rest are for your father.
-------------
Know what you call a blonde wearing pigtails?
a blowjob with handlebars
Q: What did god say after making Adam?
A: I can do better.
Q: Then what did he say after creating Eve??
A: Fuck, guess I was wrong.
--------------
The three husbands stayed in one tent

and the three wives stayed in the other.

At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled,
"Wow, unbelievable!"

Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"

Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."

"How come?"

"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on
I've ever had in my life!"

After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"

"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"

"Because that's my dick you're holding."


Jarred is in bed with a girl and no matter
what he does, he just can't seem to get
an erection.
She says,Come on, will you?Do SOMETHING!"
He says, "Like what?"
She says,Put your foot in."
He sticks his foot in, and she has a merry
old time riding it.
A few days later, his foot is swelling up,
has a runny, red rash, and it's starting to itch.
He goes to the doctor to have it looked at.
The doctor says calmly,
Well, my friend,it seems you have gonorrhea
of the big toe.
Jarred says,GONORRHEA OF THE BIG TOE?
Jeez, Doc, I bet that's pretty rare!"
The doctor says, "Yeah, it's pretty rare."
Of course, it's not as rare as the girl who
was in here this morning
with athlete's pussy."

ttttt

John sat glumly all evening eyeing his wife suspiciously. Finally, he
blurted, "Linda, admit it. You've been sucking off the dog!"

"What?!" she shouted. "How can you say such a thing?"

"I've been watching you two," Herb answered, "and every time you yawn,
he gets a hard-on!"

ttttt

Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island. After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself.

After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her.

After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again.

ttttt

Two gerbils are walking down the road and they pass this gay bar,
the first gerbil says to the second, "Hey! You wanna get shit faced?"

 

[melody]

Cool Pick-lines

169. I'm not trying anything, I always put my hands there.
170. You know how they say skin is the largest organ? Not in my case.
171. (leaning over to whisper) I think about you when I masturbate.
172. I'm gonna have sex with you tonight so, you might as well be there.
173. I'll bet you $50 I could get all your clothes off in 30 seconds.
174. I'm sorry I'm an artist and it's my job to stare at beautiful women.
175. Hi. You'll do.
176. Nice to meet you, I'm (your name) and you are...gorgeous!
177. Your name is Sandra, huh? Can I call you Sandy? Really, what time?
178. Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot.
179. Have you seen (any movie)? Would you like to?
180. If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me?
181. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
182. That dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
183. (With hands on shoulders) Oh, those are shoulder blades, I thought they were wings.
184. Pardon me, are you in heat?!
185. You know, I never was to good at math...like if I put you and I together, I'd get 69.
186. You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!
187. You're good at math right? Is 69 a perfect square?
188. Was your father a farmer? Because you sure have grown some nice melons!
189. Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!
190. Hey Baby! I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag!
191. Hey Baby! I'd like to use your thighs as earmuffs.
192. Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
193. When she asks, "What do you think of this (dress, sweater, blouse, etc.)" Say: I like nothing better.
194. At the dinner table, if you eat together, pick up the bread and ask, "Wanna roll?"
195. That's a really nice smile you've got, shame that's not all you are wearing.
196. Ask girl if she likes jewelry. Then grab your nuts and say, "Then suck this, it's a gem!"
197. (Good looking waitress pouring a drink) Say when! As soon as I finish this drink.
198. Lie down. I think I love you.
199. What's a nice girl like you doing with a face like that?
200. My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.

Teeth Down There

A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her.

The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt.

"GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened.

So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down below.

By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action.

After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" while pointing to her privates.

"HELL NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there."

"What?? No I don't," she responds.

"Yes you do," he says. "My mom told me that you do."

"No I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she screams. With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there."

He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised."
__________

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital.
The doctor says to the old man,
"I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."
The old man says, "What?"
So the doctor says it again..
Once again the old man says, "what?"
So the doctor yells it,

"I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"

With that the old woman turns to the old man and says,
"He needs a pair of your underwear!"

 

[melody]

Shipwrecked

A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island.
There was nothing for him to do except play with himself.
After many years even that stopped.
He was always preparing for the day when he would be saved.
One morning he saw a ship turn into the cove and he quickly ran to
the woodpile and started it afire.
He then threw wet seaweed on top and the smoke was bellowing
high in the air.
All of a sudden the ship starts to come his way.
He gets all excited and thinks I am finally going to be saved.
The first thing I want is to take a hot shower ,
then they are going to give me some clothes and I am going
to go upstairs and have a nice dinner.
I will find a nice lady to dance with then I will take to her cabin
and we can kiss and I can fondle her body.
She will start to take off her clothes and she will be wearing red satin panties,
and I will rub them.
With this, he starts to get an erection; he slips his hand into his shorts,
grabs his pecker and yells,
"Ha, Ha, Ha - I LIED ABOUT THE SHIP."

:-);-0;-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):

Every time an Indian walks into the chief's teepee he sees that
the chief is masturbating. They finally realize this is a serious
problem, so they fix him up with a nice woman, and she starts
living with him in his teepee.

One day, one of the Indians walks into to chief's teepee, and
there's the chief masturbating again.

He says, "Chief, what are you doing? We fix you up with a
beautiful woman."

The chief says, "Her arm get tired."

Teeth Down There

A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her.

The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt.

"GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened.

So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down below.

By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action.

After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" while pointing to her privates.

"HELL NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there."

"What?? No I don't," she responds.

"Yes you do," he says. "My mom told me that you do."

"No I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she screams. With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there."

He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised."
__________

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital.
The doctor says to the old man,
"I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."
The old man says, "What?"
So the doctor says it again..
Once again the old man says, "what?"
So the doctor yells it,

"I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"

With that the old woman turns to the old man and says,
"He needs a pair of your underwear!"

 

[melody]

Temperature

Though it had never happened before, Dr. Jones was so smitten with his
lovely if naive young patient, Mrs. Smith, that he just knew he had to
have her. Telling her that he needed to take her temperature, he took
his dick in hand and slipped it inside her. Just then, Mr. Smith walked
in. "Hey!" he yelled. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
Dr. Jones muttered, "Taking your sick wife's temperature, of course."
Mr. Smith grabbed a scalpel from the cabinet. "Okay, Jones," he said.
"But when you pull that thing out, there damn well better be numbers on
it!"

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Tarzan is being interviewed by a reporter ...

Reporter: "Tarzan, what is your mate's name?"

Tarzan: "Name Jane."

Reporter: "What's her whole name?"

Tarzan: "Hole name 'pussy'."

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

What women want in bed: A passionate lover who
takes the time to kiss and gently caress, slowly building
up to a wonderful joyous experience together.
What they get: Wham-Bam-Thank You Ma'am,
Belch, Fart, Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

What women want in a relationship: A handsome,
loving professional man who will just love them for who
they are.
What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who
stays with them only because no other woman wants
him.

 

[melody]

The Devil In Hell

Three men died and went to hell. When they get there the devil asks the first guy why he was there and he replied "I have a drinking problem." so the devil puts him in a room with every kind of alcohol he can imagine, then he locks the door. He then asks the 2nd guy why he was there the guy then says, "I can't stop cheating on my wife." The devil then puts him in a room with the hottest girl ever and locks the door. Then he asks the last guy why he was there he reply "I’m a pot smoker.” So the devil locks him in a room with lots and lots of pot. In a hundred years the devil comes back and unlocks the first door and the guy comes out and says,” I will never drink again! "So the devil sends him to heaven. He goes to the 2nd door and opens it and the guy comes out and says" I will never look at another woman again!" so the devil sends him to heaven. Finally he goes to the third door and opens it and goes in and there is the pot smoker sitting there with tears coming down his face. When devil asks him what is wrong he replies, " Hey man you got a light?"
=======
My nookie days are over,
my pilot light is out,
what used to be my sex appeal,
is now my waterspout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
from my trousers it would spring,
but now I’ve got a full-time job,
to find the blasted thing,

It used to be embarrassing,
the way it would behave,
for every single morning,
it would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
it sure gives me the blues,
to see it hang its little head,
and watch me tie my shoes!

Author unknown

=======

Two morons are riding around looking for a place to have a picnic. One moron says, "Hey, lets have a picnic over there under that tree." The other moron says," No, no, lets have it in the middle of the road." They fought and came to a decision to have it in the middle of the road. Not long afterwards a car came speeding towards them, swerved off the road and ran into the tree. One moron says, “See if we were over there we would be dead right now."

 

[melody]

Naughty Quikies

Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms?
They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.

Define "Egghead "
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

KY Jelly has jumped on the Millennium bandwagon with the
slogan for their new product: "Y2K-Y Jelly : when you want to put four digits where only two could fit before!"

Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
He did okay until his business fell off.

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis
in a knot?
"How come?"

Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
"They'll never see you coming."

What's the definition of eternity?
The length of time between when YOU come
and SHE leaves.

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank you notes to write.

How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat?
By sitting down before the last guy gets up.

Have you heard about the blind hooker?
You've gotta hand it to her!

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.

Can you say three two-letter words that mean small?
Is it in?

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws
old ladies?
A bingo machine.

If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A hole in it.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One...men will screw anything.

What is the difference between "ooooooh" and
"aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.

What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool
from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.

What is the definition of wicker box?
It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to JLo.

Q: What do you call a fag bar with no bar stools?
A: A fruit stand!

Q: Why was the cannibal walking through the jungle eating monkey shit?
A: He had just ate a Lawyer and had to get the taste out of his mouth.

Q: Why are bachelors thin, and married men fat?
A: Bachelors come home, check to see what's in the fridge, and go to bed.
….Married men come home, check to see what's in the bed, and go the fridge.

Different Scenarios

1st Scenario...

Daddy and Mommy are fighting in the living room, right before their
little son.

Daddy : " Oh!!! You Bitch! "
Mommy: " What?? You Bastard! "
Son : " Daddy, Mommy, what's Bitch and Bastard?" At this
moment, Daddy blushes. He quickly thinks up of something.
Daddy : " It means Ladies and Gentlemen, Son. "
Son : " Oh I see! "

2nd Scenario...

Little Son was watching a TV show about premarital sex, and there
they mentioned the words 'breasts' and 'penises'. Mommy was
reading the papers.

Son : " Mommy, what's breasts and penises? " At this moment,
Mommy turned blue, and quickly thought of something to say.
Mommy: " It means coats and hats, Son. "
Son : " Oh I see! "

3rd Scenario...

Daddy was shaving his beard and Son passed by the toilet.
Suddenly, Daddy cut himself and screamed...

Daddy: " OH SHIT!! "
Son : " Daddy, what's shit? " At this moment, Daddy's eyes
bulged, and quickly thought of something to say.
Daddy: " It means shaving cream, Son. "
Son : " Oh I see! "

4th Scenario...

Christmas is approaching, and Mommy was stuffing the turkey
into the stove. The turkey just wouldn't fit into the stove, so she said...

Mommy: " Oh FUCK! "
Son : " Mommy, what's fuck? " At this moment, Mommy froze.
She quickly thought of something to say.
Mommy: " It means stuffing, Son. "
Son : " Oh I see! "

5th scenario...

It's Christmas eve! Little Son exuberantly opened the door to let all
his uncles, aunties, cousins and friends come into the house.
Proudly, he said...

Son : " Welcome in, Bastards and Bitches! Please put all your
breasts and penises at that corner of the house! My parents are
busy at the moment. You see, Daddy is putting shit on his face
upstairs and Mommy is fucking the turkey in the kitchen, but don't
worry, they'll be out here in a minute!

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

A guy walked into the doctor's surgery for an appointment.
"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked
"I'll need the information for the doctor."

"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very
large and almost constant erection."

"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but
maybe I can squeeze you in."

 

[melody]

Happy Marriage's

Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table
unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,
fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and
don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any
comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or
not."

SHE'S GOOD!)
_____
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
_____
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (he's a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated
husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
_____
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in
spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts
at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right
back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

Summers In Florida

I love The Heat

April 30th:
Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this is a
state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy
evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a
blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

May 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a problem, I live in an
air-conditioned home and drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure
to see the sun every day like this I'm turning into a real sun
worshipper.

June 5th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms
and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. NO MORE
SHOVELING SNOW EITHER!
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 1st:
The temperature hasn't been below 90 all week, not even at night. Where
are those ocean breezes we heard about, still seems hot. Getting used to
it will take a while, I guess. I sure miss my LP collection, though. I'll have to
remember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my car. Got one of
those fuzzy steering wheel covers, cheaper than the burn ointment for my hands. I always
wondered what burnt flesh smelled like.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.)
Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson
though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, he'd swollen up to the
size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door he exploded all
over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away.
The car now smells like Kibbles and poop. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th:
Ocean breezes, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is on the
fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he
needed to order parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be a
hurricane.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting the
swamp mosquitoes that are as big as B-52's. $1,500 in darn house
payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th:
100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500
and gets the temperature down to about 90. The electric bill is almost
as much as the house payment. And two old lady drivers almost ran me off
the road. I hate this state.

Aug 8th:
If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to
tear his head off. Damn heat! By the time I get to work, the radiator is
boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like a roasted
cat!!

Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny.
It's been too hot for two #@*& months and the Weatherman says it might
really warm up next week. And whoever came up with the statement, "it
maybe hot, but at least you don't have to shovel it" should die from
heat exhaustion. Doesn't it ever rain in this Godforsaken place??

Aug 14th:
Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack the
window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to
fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?". My wife had to spend the
$1,500 house payment to bail me out jail.

Aug 30th:
Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rains
finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell and drove
the damned roaches out of the ground. I wasn't aware they could fly! The
Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Caribbean with its new $500
windshield.

That does it, we're moving back to New York where all you
have to worry about is getting mugged.

I hope this state breaks in half and floats to Cuba.

 

[melody]

Jacko's Q's & A's

Michael Jackson had a boy. He also became a father.
He asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could
he have sex. The doctor told him he should wait until
the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old.
~~~
Michael decided to have a boy of his own because it's too
expensive to rent them at $2 million a pop.
~~~

Michael Jackson and Woody Allen on child psychology:
"Spare the rod, and spoil the child."
~~~

Michael Jackson and Pee Wee Herman are releasing
a new music video. It's titled "I'll Beat It For You."
~~~
Did Jacko commit the attack-o?
Is he guilty of an illegal fudge pack-o?
Cut the man some slack-o.
It's evidence we lack-o.
Maybe he just squirted lotion on the kid's back-o.
~~~
Q: What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?
A: "Got two fives for a ten?"

Q: What is Michael Jackson's alma mater?
A: Bring-em Young.

Q: Did you hear about the duet by Michael Jackson and Elton John?
A: It's called "Don't Let Your Son Go Down On Me."

Q: Why does Michael Jackson hide for a couple hours after
one of his little friends leave?
A: It takes that long to get the bubble gum off his dick.

Q: What's the difference between Mr. Potato Head and Michael Jackson?
A: Michael Jackson has had more noses.

Q: Why did Michael invite MacCauly Caulkin to the house?
A: He's like the little boy he never had.

Q: Why did Michael really to go to rehab?
A: He's a crack addict.

Q: What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Little Boy Blew.

Q: Did you know that Michael Jackson is 45?
A: Yeah, but he still feels like a 13 year old.

Q: How did Michael get in trouble?
A: He was feeling a little Randy.

Q: How is Michael dealing with his problems?
A: He's holding his own.

Q: How did Michael actually proposition the little boy?
A: It was just a slip of the tongue.

Q: What's sex like for Michael?
A: Child's play.

Q: How is Michael now?
A: Feeling a little crotchety.

Q: Hear about the new Michael Jackson doll?
A: It comes in a little can.

Q: Why does Michael like children so much?
A: He knows how they feel.

Q: Why was Michael Jackson relieved of his Cub Scout Leader duties?
A: He was up to a pack a day.

Emoticons/Assicons

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_O_) And more....

(_ x _) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass
(_._) A flat ass
(_^_) A bubbly ass
(_!__) A lop-sided ass
(_o^o_) A wise ass
(_13_) An unlucky ass

You have just been e-mooned!

 

[melody]

Naughty Little Johnny

Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly
letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school.
When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior,
Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody,
and I'm very proud of that fact."
The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will
you stop?"
Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the
floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one.
Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny
little speck of dust off the paper.
The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and
farted but when she was done, and there was not a trace of chalk dust
left on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her
do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny
peeked up underneath her skirt.
"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly,
"you've got a Double-Barrel!"

]]]]

Tim: Sam, I hear you just got married again.
Sam: Yes, for the fourth time.
Tim: What happened to your first three wives?
Sam: They all died, Tim.
Tim: How did that happen?
Sam: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Tim: How terrible! And your second?
Sam: She ate poison mushrooms.
Tim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Sam: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Tim: I see; an accident.
Sam: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.

]]]]

How are new girl friends like a fresh roll of toilet paper? Sometimes
it's hard to get the first piece, but after that you can rip one off
anytime.

]]]]

Excess is the part of breast that does not fit in your mouth and
surplus is the other breast.

]]]]

Description of a muff dive.
Starts out like butterfly sucking pollen and ends up like a bulldog
eating yogurt.

 

[melody]

A Pending Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!!

--------------

A 90 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season.

But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

 

[melody]

Kenny, Stinko Drunk

Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me
back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but
knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent
back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and
clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until
he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Kenny

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting on the bed!!!


A young boy knows about sex and where babies come from because his
mother told him that "the man puts his penis inside the woman and she
gets pregnant." A few days later, after pondering this for some time,
the boy asks in all the innocence and wonder of a child, "Does the
man ever get his penis back?
Paul - yes - but women like to keep a hold on the man's balls indefinitely!

 

[melody]

Rules And Instructions On Being A Man

( Part 1)

1. Don't call. EVER.
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun
to let her figure it out by herself.
3. Lie.
4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic
and unoriginal, such as "spike"
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell
them you mailed it to them/already gave it to them.
6. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone
about it.
7. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to
answer, a grunt will do.
8. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter
what, it isn't your fault.
9. Lie.
10. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women
than baths.
11. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help
- don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
12. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone,
use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises
are permissible.
14. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big
penis)
15. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his
name in urine.
16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her
best friend. She will then see what she's missing and
love you for not giving up on her.
17. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
18. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your
girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style
on picking up chicks.
19. Lie.
20. Deny everything. Everything.
21. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about
her. Especially female friends you suspect may have a
crush on you. (Probably all of them - you're a man
remember?) They really want to know.
22. Don't have a clue.
23. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
24. No means yes.
25. Yes means no.
26. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will
shrivel. You may get sick or even die. This is one of
the most important rules.
27. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible
positions and locations.
28. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak,
sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
29. Feelings? What feelings?
30. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than
you at something, either pretend it's not true or kick
their ass.
31. Lie I tell you!!
32. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are
backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If
you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a
loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you
take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you
can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
33. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have
sexual meaning. Twist.
34. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like
various genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh,
make sure you make a replica of your penis. Exaggerate
the dimensions by 25%).
35. Lie.
36. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about
saying it.
37. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not
satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not
worth it.
38. Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her
back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.
39. Lie.
40. Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.
41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
42. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget
trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day
and eye color.
43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they
can't see you.

 

[melody]

The Fart Chart

1.. AMBITIOUS : Always ready for a fart

2.. AMIABLE : Likes to smell others' farts

3.. ANTI-SOCIAL : Excuses himself and farts in private

4.. AQUATIC : Farts in bath, then breaks bubbles with toes

5.. ATHLETIC : Jumps in the air, farts 3 times, and kicks his heels 3 times

6.. BEWILDERED : Can't tell his own fart from others

7.. BIG BULLY : Farts louder than others

8.. CARELESS : Farts in church

9.. CHILDISH : Farts and then giggles

10.. CLEVER : Farts and coughs at the same time

11.. CONCEITED : Thinks he can fart the loudest

12.. CONFUSED : Face is so much like an ass, fart can't tell which way to go

13.. CUTE : Smells your farts and then tells you what you were eating

14.. DAMNED MEAN : Farts and then pulls the covers over his wife's head

15.. DISHONEST : Farts and then blames the dog

16.. DISAPPOINTED : Fart doesn't smell

17.. DUMB : Enjoys other farts, thinks they are his own

18.. ENVIRONMENTALIST : Farts regularly but is concerned about the pollution

19.. FOOLISH : Suppresses a fart for hours

20.. FRESH GUY : Jumps in front of you and then farts

21.. GROUCH : Grumbles when ladies fart

22.. HONEST : Admits he farted but offers a good medical reason

23.. IMPUDENT : Farts out aloud and then laughs

24.. LAZY : Just fizzles

25.. MASOCHIST : Farts in the bath tub and tries to bite the bubbles

26.. MISERABLE : Can't fart at all

27.. MUSICAL : Tenor or Bass, Clear as a bell, smells like shit
and sounds like hell

28.. NERVOUS : Stops in the middle of a fart

29.. PROUD : Thinks his farts are exceptionally pleasant

30.. SADIST : Farts in bed, then fluffs the covers

31.. SCIENTIFIC : Bottles his farts

32.. SENSITIVE : Farts and then starts crying

33.. SHY : Blushes when he farts silently

34.. SLOB : Farts and stains his underwear

35.. SMART ALEC : Farts when ladies are present

36.. SNEAKY : Farts and blames it on the dog

37.. STINGY : Belches to save his ass-hole

38.. STRATEGIC : Conceals his fart by loud laughter

39.. THRIFTY : One who always has farts in reserve

40.. TIMID : Jumps when he farts

41.. UNFORTUNATE : Tries to fart but shits himself

42.. VAIN PERSON : One who loves the smell of his own fart

43.. WHIMPY : Farts at the slightest exertion

44.. WISE GUY : Farts and asks who shit

 

[melody]

In Heaven

One day, Curt died.

When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away.

He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 250 pound, hopelessly stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it.

Curt decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.

So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Little Johnny up ahead.

Little Johnny was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with.

When he approached Little Johnny he asked him what was going on, and Little Johnny replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money... even more then you did."

They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Curt, Little Johnny, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Curt and Little Johnny could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centrefold.

Stunned, Curt and Little Johnny approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon.

They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.

Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining.

This has been absolutely the best time, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to.

There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand.

After every time we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Fucking income taxes!"

 

[melody]

Crap Encyclopedia:

(This is Long But Hilarious)

Every once in a while each of us experiences a perfect crap. It's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is the smooth-sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver.

But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet paper only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

On the other hand (so to speak) there is:

The Beer Crap
Talk about nasty craps. Depending on the crapper's tolerance, the beer crap is the result of too many beers. It could have been two or 22, it doesn't matter.
What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy crap accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chilli Crap
Hot when it goes in and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chilli crap stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

The Cable Crap
Long, curly and perfectly formed like two feet of telephone coaxial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, 'Did I do that? Where did it come from?' You leave the toilet pleased with yourself.

The Latrine Crap
In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it - where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to crap. Tip: don't ever look down the hole.

The Mona Lisa Crap
This is the masterpiece of craps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make Da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid camera, but maybe that's going too far.

The Empty Roll Crap
You're done... you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains... no, someone would say, 'Where are the curtains?' Then what would you say. The rug? Too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every 'empty roll crapper' must face... pull up your daks, tighten your arse and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.

The Splash Back Crap
You send the crap on its way; it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: blot instead of wipe.

The Aborted Crap
You are in mid-crap when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off; go for the phone and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you've gotta do.

The Caesarean Crap
Pain, that's what this crap and childbirth have in common. It's simply a case of too much crap trying to go through too small a hole and there's no obstetrician to help.

The Alfresco Crap
Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambience that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of Brownies or a patch of poison ivy.

The Tijuana Trot Crap (also known as Delhi Belly, Rabat Runs, Seskatchewan Squits, Balsall Heath Balti Bypass)
The phrase 'shit happens' really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position.

The Machine Gun Crap
You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machinegun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran - cradling his umbrella like an AK47.

The Sound Effect Crap
You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or workmates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:
1. Flush the toilet.
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem.
3. Drop a handful of change on the floor.

The Security Crap
You have enough on your mind when you're in the toilet without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-crap mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this... hum loudly.

The Cling-On Crap
For the most part you've completed your crap, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use the toilet. So you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.

The Houdini Crap
You go, then you stand up to flush and the damn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe... maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? You'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

The Hangover Crap
You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again... up down, up down. Don't you wish Mum was close by.

The Porta-Pottie Dump
Construction workers and outdoor concertgoers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, 'It's like taking a shit in an upright coffin.' It's claustrophobic and it smells bad. Best advice: go in a paper cup.

The Proctologist Crap
In the beginning, the Lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump because there is nothing biblical about it. You run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The crap is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it?

The Whole Roll Crap
No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.

The Graffiti Crap
You flush the crap and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the crap to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curly-Q hangs there... love it or leave it, it's your choice.

The Encore Crap
'Ahhh!' You're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the toilet when you feel another crap on its way. You have to return for a curtain call.

The Born Again Crap
This is a dump that's going badly. You say, 'Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion.' You always get through it, but seldom keep the promises you made in desperation, because a born-again crap is like childbirth - you forget the pain quickly.

 

[melody]

A Catholic Tale

As I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this persons condition.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling some long ago priest who made an admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out!"

A Redneck Letter

Dear Son,

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

00000000000

Max and Ernie are playing racquetball at the local gym. As they are changing clothes in the locker room Max takes off his T-shirt and shorts. He is wearing a bra and a lace garter belt. "My God," says Ernie, "when did you start wearing women's underwear?" "Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment."

 

[melody]

Queensland

In the north of Australia is a place called Queensland which is
very hot, humid and the pubs are rough.

Anyway, this posh pommie (English) bloke is travelling through
Queensland in the middle of summer by bicycle and is caught in a
huge tropical storm. He sees a sign which says there is a pub 18
miles up the road. So he rides his bike to the pub and when he
finally gets there his appearance resembles that of a drowned
rat.

Anyway, the locals hardly even look up from their beers as he
walks on, dripping wet, and heads up to the bar and orders a
scotch on ice. The barman gives him the worst scotch he has ever
tasted but the pommie drinks it down and asks the barman where
the dunny (toilet) is. The barman tells him it is outside.

So the pommie trudges outside into the rain and all he can see in
the rain is two big piles of poo, one much bigger than the other.
So the pommie walks over to the smaller pile, relieved that
someone had the sense to start a new pile since the larger one
was clearly unmanageable.

He has his pants around his ankles and is in the process of
relieving himself when a gunshot rings out and a bullet smacks
into the heap just beside his head.

Well the poor pommie turns around, in a somewhat vulnerable
position, and sees this huge Aussie guy standing at the door of
the pub with his still smoking gun in his hand.

"What..What is going on?" Stammers the poor pommie.

The huge Aussie responds "Get the hell out of the Ladies you
dirty bastard."
----------
One time when I was visiting Toronto I asked a chap where I could find a good house of ill repute. He gave me an address and said to ask for Sally.

I went to the address and requested Sally. She took me to a room, stripped down and said, "Go ahead, but let me know how it is."

After a few minutes I said, "It's not bad but a bit loose."

She said, "Get off for a moment."

I did that and she reached down and fiddled about with her privates.

"Try it now." she said.

I did and found it better but still a bit loose, so I told her so. She repeated her actions and when I tried it again it was perfect.

When we were finished and I was paying her I asked, "How do you manage to adjust it's size to fit anyone?"

"Well," she said, "I've been in this business for some time and have developed warts on one side and wormholes on the other. I just button them up."

Cat Food

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she
suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for
my husband! He?ll be so pissed if it's not ready on time."

When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted
lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the
supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with
the lettuce leaf.

She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror
as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You
can make this for me any day.?

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the
same dish. She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed!?

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the
clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that
cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly
knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the windowsill
while he was licking his butt."


There once was a man from Alsass
Who had balls made out of brass
He rubbed them together
In stormy weather
And lightning shot out of his ass!
*****
There once was a woman from Wheeling
Who got a funny feeling
So she laid on her back,
Spread open her crack,
And pissed all over the ceiling.