JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you,
I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night,
and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly without any reservations,
you laid on my naked body... you sensed my indifference,
so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation,
and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.

Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail,
only the sheets bore witness to last nights events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you..............................

You fucking mosquito!!

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤«

Did you hear about the new douche they've made for women???
It's made of Marijuana, Arrid Xtra Dry, and Kentucky Fried Chicken.
It leaves you high, dry, and finger licking good!

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤«

What did the teacher do for the girl who was having trouble with sex education?
He kept her in class and pounded it into her!

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤«

One day the teacher says, "OK, class, we are going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'PERHAPS' in it."
David says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework!" The teacher says, "Very good David."
Mary says, "The sky is very dark.....perhaps it is going to rain!" The teacher says, "Very good Mary."
She then asks dirty Johnny at the back of the classroom if he has any sentences.
Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were going to shit on the piano!"

 

[melody]

Midlife

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so
old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half-full...of
course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are
floating in it.

Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no
longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can
see your rear end without turning around.

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you
realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in
film.

You know you've crossed the midlife threshold when you're in the
grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in
the produce department.

Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's
more like Splat!)

Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're
now sitting on your biggest ones.

It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife...jiggly, yes; jiggy,
no.

Midlife is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand
McNally.
(more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of
Wisconsin).

Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top
and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things
will too!

Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your
latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this
I have stretch marks?

Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself...and your chins follow
suit.

Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, you'd need a
control top flea collar.

Midlife is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you
still retain is water.

You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the "big" is
life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before
it's no longer a healthy choice?

 

[melody]

The Pickle Factory

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the
pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it,

but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once
that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put
my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My! God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired"

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."
____________

A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow
goes into her breast They are both quite startled. The man turns to her

and says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll

forgive me."

She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
____________

A whorehouse gets busted. The girls are lined up out front, and a cop is
going down the line giving them all tickets. A little old lady comes
walking up to the girl at the end of the line and says, "What're ya all
doin' here in line like this?" The girl is annoyed, so to be a
smart-ass, she says, "Lady, we're waiting in line for our lollipops."
The little old lady says, "Oh, that's nice. I didn't have one in so
long, I think I'll get in line here with ya." So she gets in line, and a
few minutes later the cop gets to this little, shriveled-up old lady.
He says, "Lady, aren't you a little old for this?" She looks him right
in the eye and says, "As long as they keep makin' 'em, I'm gonna keep
suckin' on 'em.

 

[melody]

¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡

Dear Aunt Nasty,

I've been ****** 2 beautiful women now for over a year. They
each excite me very much and I have feelings for the both of
them. Each has expressed a desire to get married. I wouldn't
mind marrying either of them but which one should I choose?
They are both executives and make decent money and care for me
dearly. How do I choose?

signed,
Choosy Choice


Dear Choosy,

Oh my, What a question! And I cannot believe you haven't figured
out the most obvious answer for yourself. You marry the one that
is the most proficient in the sex department. Which one likes it
the most? Which one is willing to do what you like? Which one
gives the better blowjob?

Hope that helps!

Aunt Nasty

~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~

Dear Aunt Nasty,

I'm a man with a major dilemma. I am married to the mother of
my daughter whom I adore more than life, but recently, I've
met the most beautiful woman whose soul matches her outer
beauty. She is the perfect woman for me in all but one area.
She is wanton and eager, and all that a man could want in
bed, but no matter what she does, she can't make me cum, so I
am cheating on them both in order to have gratification. What
should I do? Oh, I almost forgot, I can't leave my wife
because I would never get to see my daughter.

Futilely Frustrated


Dear Frustrated,

Well! Wow! That is some dilemma! The daughter issue does seem
to put a real bind on things. My advice in this situation....
hmmmm,...Remain in your marriage and talk to this wonder woman.
Be HONEST. Tell her your concerns, AND about the sexual concern
too! Then tell her what it is that DOES make you cum. If she
cares, she'll either go the distance or she won't. Either way,
you'll be better off and you won't be wasting precious time in
finding out.

Aunt Nasty

~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~

Dear Aunt Nasty,
I have had a problem for years. Its my legs. I seem to get tired
when I walk on two. I've been trying to get the third leg to help, have
you got any suggestions on what to do? It just doesn't want to grow up
anymore.
Signed,
Left in Limb-o


Dear Lefty,
I must say, your problem caused me a few sleepless moments
(until...I remembered that I didn't know you, so it didn't *really*
matter to me.) I had to take the matter up with my guru, but you'll be
happy to hear he was able to come up with a solution. And it's one he
says *you'll* understand, but that other people won't.

He told me to tell you "Try pulling the fat back!" He's of the
opinion that if you could see it and it could see you (with it's one
"lone" eye) it might feel more co-operative and give you a leg up.
Aunt Nasty

 

[melody]

Neighborly Love

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house
next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe
in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a
magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his
lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could
stand it no more. Walking to the
front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The
husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

"Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how
beautiful your wife is."

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts
are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those
breasts."

The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears
and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few
moments.
Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.
"OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss
my wife's tits."
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire
hang free
at last.

Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against
them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the
husband gets
annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.

"I can't" replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.

"I don't have ten thousand dollars."

~~~~~~~~

Jane: I can't understand why men are so afraid
of commitment!

Martha: Tell me about it! I dated one guy for a year
and a half, and I finally had to give him an ultimatum.

Jane: What did you say?

Martha: I just told him, "Look, either you tell me
your last name, or it's over!"


More to come later....just remember there are "No Holds Barred"!!

 

[melody]

Ladies Night Club

Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a
$10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the
$10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.
She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks
it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out
a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I'm worried
about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of
his butt cheeks, again.

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy
gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the
guy's egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I
reached for my wallet. What could I do?

Then the woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed
the 80 bucks, and went home.


"Mom, can I ask you something?"
"Sure! What about?" replied mother.
"Well, I'm already fourteen and.. I think it's just proper that I
should own one."
"Own 'one' what?" mother asked suspiciously.
"Could you buy me a push up bra?"
"No."
"But my nipples are already prominent and it catches attention."
"Nope."
"I think it would be just proper at my age..."
"I said no way...!"
"But all of my friends wear.......!"
Morris! How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls!?"


Q: Why did god give women nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men.
Q: Why do gay men have mustaches?
A: To hide the stretch marks.

Q: What's the difference between a boxer and a woman?
A: A boxer stands up to get knocked down and a woman lies
down to get knocked up.

 

[melody]

Checking account

A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore." "Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank." "Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language." "Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says. "Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?" The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?" The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it." The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars." The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?"


There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked,"How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

 

[melody]

Things That are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk:

~ Innovative

~ Preliminary

~ Proliferation

~ Cinnamon


Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:

~ Specificity

~ British Constitution

~ Passive-aggressive disorder

~ Transubstantiate


Things that are fucking impossible to say when you're drunk:

~ Thanks, but I don't want to have sex with you.

~ No, thanks, I don't need another drink.

~ Sorry, but you're not really my type.

~ Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

~ I'm not interested in fighting you.

~ Oh, I just couldn't; no one wants to hear me sing.

~ Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance.
I have no coordination, and I don't want to look like a fool.

~ Where is the nearest restroom? I refuse to vomit in the street.

~ I'm going home; I have work in the morning.

*~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~» «~*~»§

"Doctor, I've got this problem," a man says. "My secretary,
she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work
I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch.
And
before I leave work at the end of the day, she really works me over."

"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac," the man continued. "I
service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half
hour everyday at lunchtime and then we have a marathon session each
night before we go to sleep."

"I still don't know what your problem is," said the doctor.

"You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells."

 

[melody]

Scraggly Cat

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was
a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair
all matted down.

We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat". We
felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said would let us
know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer)
said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks! " He reminded
the vet that it was his WIFE who wanted the dirty cat, NOT him

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my
husband "El-Cheap-O," and my husband calls him "El-Take-O." They
love to hate each other and constantly "snipe" at each other, with
my husband getting in the last word on this occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is
located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of
people waiting to see him. A side door opened and in leaned the
vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your
wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved and she now smells like a
rose Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who
the father is!" And he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even...


Vinnie walks into a store. He says to the salesgirl,
"I want to buy some toilet paper."
She says, "What color?"
He says, "Give me white. I'll color it myself."

Blonde Moments!

Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down
and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks
and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No.
Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one
half hour later they were both killed by a train.

 

[melody]

Old Folks

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50 or hovering over 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to be nice and conform to the fashions that the designers in NYC, California, and/or Paris inflict upon the world.

So I made a sincere study of the situation and here are the results. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together:

1. A nose ring and bifocals,

2. Spiked hair and bald spots,

3. A pierced tongue and dentures,

4. Miniskirts and support hose,

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads,

6. Speedos and cellulite,

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar,

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor,

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge,

10. Bikinis and liver spots,

11. Short shorts and varicose veins,

12. In-line skates and a walker


Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.

Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."

Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.

Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.

Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday

Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.

Q: Why did they kick the midget out of the nudist colony?
A: He was getting into everybody's hair.

 

[melody]

Two Old Ladies

There was this guy who took very good care of his body. He lifted
weights, and jogged six miles everyday. One morning, he looked
in the mirror and admired his body. He noticed that he was sun-tanned
all over, except his penis, which he decided to do something about.

That afternoon he went to the beach, got completely undressed and
buried himself in the sand, except for his penis.

Two old ladies came walking along the beach. Upon seeing the thing
sticking out of the sand, one old lady began to move it around
with her cane, remarking to the other old lady, saying, "You know,
there really is no justice in the world."
The other lady said, "What do you mean by that?"
The old lady said, "Look at that, when I was 20.
I was curious about it, when I was 30, I enjoyed it, when I was 40, I
asked for it, when I was 50, I paid for it, when I was 60, I prayed for
it, when I was 70, I forgot about it and now that I'm 80,
the damn things are growing wild and I'm to old to squat!"

==============

You are suffering form what is technically known as an Electra
Complex," the psychiatrist is informing his blonde female patient.
"In other words, you are in love with your father."
The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.
"Now, now," comforts the shrink. "It's not all that bad."
"Yes..(sniff)...yes, it is," gets out the blonde between sobs.
"I have no chance at all...he's a married man!"

==============

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The
prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of
August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand.
"I don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no
reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of
August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."

 

[melody]

The Wedding Night

David was going to be married to Jenn, so his father sat him down for
a little chat. He said, "David, let me tell you something. On my
wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed
them to your mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.' She did and
said, 'These are too big I can't wear them.' I replied, "Exactly I
wear the pants in this family and I always will." Ever since that
night we have never had any problems.

"Hmmm," said David. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, David took off his pants and said to Jenn, "Here,
try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large.
They don't fit me." David said, "Exactly, I wear the pants in this
family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jenn took off her pants and handed them to David. She
said, "Here, you try on mine." He did and said, "I can't get into
your pants." Jenn said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-
ass attitude, you never will."

They lived happily ever after.

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

A lesbian goes for her annual physical. After the ob/gyn completes
the physical she says, "Well, you seem to be in perfect health, I
couldn't find a thing wrong in my exam. Furthermore, I'd like to
compliment you on your excellent personal hygiene. I have hundreds
of patients, and I can't think of a one of them who keeps her genital
area so clean and fresh." The patient says, "Well, there's a
perfectly good reason for that, you see, I have a woman in three
times a week."

More Cum Swallowing Tips

When my man comes in my mouth I always swallow. My technique is simple: I have my man put his cock inside my mouth as far as possible and give him a nice head job until his cock swells up and he can't hold it anymore and he comes in my mouth. There is no pulling his cock out when he starts to come because I want it all, every last drop of cum. After he pulls his hard cock out of my mouth, I show him his cum in my mouth before I swallow it. Sometimes I will spit it in my hand and then lick it off my hand, or spit it into my coffee cup - makes my coffee taste 100 percent better. One more thing, too - instead of jam or butter, I spread cum on my toast - delicious and no calories!
- JJ, U. S.

ZZZZZ

I find it easier to swallow if I give the blowjob upside down. (Head hanging over the side of the bed, or if you have gravity boots, these are ideal.) This makes it just slide right down your throat with no thought required.
- Laura, Charleston

ZZZZZ

Diet is the answer. A few years ago, when I was smoking and drinking like hell, it was easy to guess how it tasted from the expression of my partners. I quit smoking, drink lot less, do sports, eat huge amounts of protein and healthy stuff. I happened to taste my cum (it was an accident, folks) and man, I'm happy for the women who taste it - they won't crave candy anymore.
- James, L. A.

ZZZZZ

When you feel your man about to come (usually tightening up or a moan or grunt) put his cock to the back of your throat so you don’t need to taste or feel the texture of the cum. -
Jackie, N. Y.

ZZZZZ

Swallowing cum is mostly psychological.
The thought that cum is an excrement tends to make it seem dirty or unhealthy. Just remember this as you taste cum - it is the purest of pure. It has to be to make little babies. Also, guys need to remember to keep their cocks and crotches clean. Just like a pussy that's been well fucked over a period of time, if the cock isn't kept clean, it will smell unenticing.
- Doug, U. S.

ZZZZZ

I barely tried swallowing because of one bad taste experience, but now I always have a glass with Coca Cola ready. After swallowing I drink some cola and it really helps getting rid of the aftertaste.
- Joyce, Holland

 

[melody]

Real Woman vs. Martha Stewart

Martha's way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice
cream drips.

The Real Women's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you
are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
~~~~~

Martha's way #2:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Women's Way:
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
~~~~~

Martha's way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry
cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Women's Way:
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
~~~~~

Martha's way #4:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."

The Real Women's Way:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too darn bad. Please
recite with me, The Real Women's motto: The way I make it is the way you eat
it, and the way you like it!!!
~~~~~

Martha's way #5:
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will
keep for weeks.

The Real Women's Way:
Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
~~~~~

Martha's way #6:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful
glossy finish.

The Real Women's Way:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over
the crust so I just don't do it.
~~~~~

Martha's way #7:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.
The throbbing will go away.

The Real Women's Way:
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You might still have
the headache, but who cares?
~~~~~

Martha's way #8:
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They
give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Women's Way:
Ask "useless" to do it, while he's sitting on his butt watching TV.
~~~~~

And finally the most important tip

Martha's way #9:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use
in casseroles and sauces.

The Real Women's Way:
Leftover wine??????

 

[melody]

Some Things You Just Can't Explain.

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes
in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful
day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got
the
bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got
the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the
bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the
right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as
got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with
her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and
tied her tail to the rafter.
In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

DID YOU KNOW...Frozen shrimp left sitting out for about 3 days in a
small
enclosed area tends to smell like the vagina of an 80 year old
hooker?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

George meets up with a friend on the street, and the friend can tell
George is really pissed. He asks him what the matter is.
George replies, "The people at Victorias Secret are SO rude. There I am
in their store and I'm trying to buy some panties for my lady, and I'm
picking some out... and the manager asks me to leave!! All I was trying to do
was decide which ones I liked.
So - I took the panties out of my mouth and took my business elsewhere."

 

[melody]

Horse Auction

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his
father. He watched as his father moved from horse
to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's
legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why
are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying
horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy
and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think
the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

ttttt

A middle aged husband and wife were having
sex in the missionary position. Fifteen minutes went
by. Thirty. Forty-five.
Finally, the wife blurted out, "What's the matter,
honey, can't you fantasize about someone else, either?"

ttttt

Q: Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters
will improve your sex life?
A: Because if you can eat that stuff, you'll eat
anything.

ttttt

Door bell rings. The man from next door says he needs help. His wife is having a seizure. Next door on the floor the wife is naked and thrashing about wildly. The man says help me hold her down. Once the wife's limbs are pinned the man rips off his clothes. "When I climb on let her loose!"

ttttt

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted in front of my wife."
The drunk replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

 

[melody]

A Dwarf With A Lisp

A dwarf with a lisp goes to an agricultural show to buy a mare.
He wanders around until he comes across a beautiful mare inside
a small enclosure with a farmer standing at the gate. He goes up
to the farmer and says, "Excthuth me, can I have a look at your horth?"

"Sure", says the farmer, "come on in."

The dwarf wanders round and round the mare and then stops, says to
the farmer "Her eyeth, her eyeth, I want to see her eyeth."

The farmer has to bend down and pick up the dwarf to show him the
mare's eyes. "Nith eyeth, nith eyeth, I like thith horth, I like
thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth."

Once again the dwarf wanders around the horse, in turn asking the
farmer to pick him up and show him the mare's ears and exclaiming,
"Nith earth, nith earth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth,
I think I want to buy thith horth."

The farmer is starting to get pissed off by this stage because the
dwarf is quite heavy.

Suddenly the dwarf stops in his tracks and says, "Her twat. her twat,
I want to see her twat!"

The farmer, infuriated, pick up the dwarf and drives him head first
into the mare's backside. He leaves the dwarf's little legs kicking
and wanders off to talk to his friends for a couple of minutes. He
then comes back and extracts the dwarf from his predicament, "SCHLOOOOP!"

The dwarf wipes himself down and says, "I think I better wephrase
that... I'd like to thee her gallop!"
====================
A young virgin marries a Greek man and before the wedding her father
tells her that, being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn the other
way in bed one day, but that she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't
want to. Sure enough, after a couple of months, her husband asks her
to turn over and she says

"No, my father said I don't have to do this."

Her husband says "OK, that's fine by me, but I thought you wanted
children."

Street Insurance

She Had Plenty Of Insurance. Unfortunately, Her Pimp Died.

Today almost every hooker understands how important it is to
have life insurance. The streets can get pretty rough.
But, what if her pimp is offed?

Who's going to find new Johns?
Who's going to supply the crack?

Clearly his loss would create financial hardships for her and
the two mulatto kids he left behind.

With Metropolitan Street Life's new Whore plus plan, a
prostitute can get permanent insurance protection that provides
door-to-door limo service, up to three fixes daily, and a big
ugly motherfucker with a gun - just as if your main man was
still around.

All we ask in return for a safe future is 50% of the action.
That's probably a better deal than HE gave you, and WE won't
beat you upside the head!

METROPOLITAN STREET LIFE
Professionals Helping Professionals.
====================
Three guys went to a night club one night. The first guy went in
and a dancer put a doughnut on his dick and ate it off. He went
back outside really happy. The next guy went in and sure enough
the dancer put a doughnut on his dick and ate it off and he went
outside really happy. The third guy went in and came out really
sad. The other two guys asked him what happened and he replied,
"They put a cheerio on mine!

 

[melody]

Bowling Night

Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a bud at the end of the first nine, honey.

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi ! Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time."


A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady
cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
This is not a phrase we men normally use so he went on his way
looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man
came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished
his shopping.
He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady
was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to
have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said,
"When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier
standing in there at attention?"
The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I
saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags!!!

Funny Sexual Positions

All The Sexual Positions That You Can Try With Your Special Someone Tonight!


Dirty Elvis: Is making the bitch look like a dirty Mexican not enough? Well, thank God for the King. Start to give the woman the Dirty Sanchez, but instead of wiping your shit finger on her upper lip, you give her some nice long Elvis sideburns. If your lucky she'll O.D. on the toilet and you won't have to call her.

Double Whammy: Very simple and funny position. All you do in donkey punch the bitch INTO a table time. Easy, and you can check off two sex positions at once.

People's Pussy: When you've got some stank bitch from behind and the nasty pussy smell starts creeping up to your nose, shout out at the top of your lungs, "CAN YOU SMELLLLLLL what my COCK is fuckin'" Then answer your own question with a resounding, "YES!" and drop a sharp elbow on her chest. As she looks up at you in dismay, be sure to give her the people's eyebrow.

Spartan War Helmet: Your laying the bitch down, giving her a tea bag to warm up the sack, and what do you know, Athens is attacking, and she has to go to war. Now, be a nice guy and help her with her helmet by flopping your nuts over her eyes, and slapping your dick right down her nose. Now she's ready for battle.

Starry Eyed Surprise: This is when your girl is sucking on your nuts and right before you blow your load you tell her to look up at the beautiful stars, and when she does, bust a nut in her eye and yell "starry eyed surprise!"

Carbonated Cum (CGSB): The once in a lifetime act when blowing a hot steamy load down the back of the girl's throat, proceed to give her a large cold bottle of your most favorite carbonated drink and make her guzzle it down. Then, shake her head vigorously back and forth to create the Cum Guzzling, Sperm Burping effect.

Aztec: It's called the Aztec because it will only be done in a drug induced cracked out prophetic haze. A dick in the stink, six fingers in the pink, and three fingers in your own ass. Although it's never known to have been performed, hopefully it will catch on.

Wrecking Ball: Do your girl from behind while standing. While she's bent over, grab both of her wrists. Pick a nearby target, and swing that bitch's head into it like a wrecking ball.

Hotdog in the Hallway: Jesus Shit, This thing here is like a throwing a hotdog in a hallway.

Pumpkin Love: This is when you are fucking a girl who you hate, and you want to make her cry. After about 3 minutes of fucking, tell her to hop off the nuts, and then go fuck a pumpkin, cum in it, make her eat the insides of the pumpkin, and then break that fucker over her head. Hop off the nuts, thanks.

Sandbag: When you are doing a girl on the beach, just before you raid her womb, remove the rubber (without getting caught of course), and proceed to bang away until you blow your load, without pulling out. As you dismount and prepare for departure, grab a handful of sand, throw it in her eyes, and run away giggling hysterically while leaving her blinded, butt-naked, and knocked up. Especially lots of fun when accomplished during the spring break season.

Rusty Trombone: The nastiest instrument known to humanity. You get your girl to start corn holing you with her tongue, as she rims you, she gives you a reach around and starts to jerk you off. Play that tune, you sick fuck.

 

[melody]

ROBIN HOOD

(The Untold Story)

You've heard the tale of Robin Hood
And how he did poor people good
There is more to this famous story
of Sherwood Forest's pride and glory

At night when all the robbing was done
The merry men would have some fun
In fact it would be fair to say
The merry men were rather gay

As Little John starts to unwind
Robin takes him from behind
As they frolic in the grass
Robin rams it up his arse

One night when they were all at play
A gorgeous maiden came their way
She sauntered up to Friar Tuck
And said "I'm Marion - wanna fuck?"

Friar could not believe his ears
"She's offering sex to all us queers!"
While he recovered from the shock
Robin presented her with his cock

Marion's clothes were off in a flash
And three merry men all had a bash
For Marion this was sheer bliss
As they filler her every orifice

When all was done she gave a whine
"Thank you boys for a lovely time.
But for your pleasure you must pay
I've got the pox - have a nice day."

"Now listen here" said Friar Tuck
"We really don't give a fuck"
"The laughs on you, you silly cow"
"We're all got AIDS - so who's fucked now!"

Senior Citizens

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night
after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center
to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin
to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Mildred
and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?" and he replies

"SEX!!!"

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I
held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held
it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige", says Mildred, who gently unzips his
trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden
where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Howard's
manhood.

Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting
place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Howard and make sure that
he was O.K.

She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him
sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was
holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel
have that I don't have?!?"

Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's!"

99999

An old guy knocked on the door of the local brothel.
"What can I do for you, old man?" asked the madam at the door.
"I want a girl." the old man said.
"For you it will cost $100." replied the madam.
"Your putting me on?" the old man exclaimed.
"Nah," the madam replied, "That will cost you an extra $10!"

 

[melody]

Married Life

This guy has been married for about 6 months when he runs into a guy
from his wedding party. The guy asked him how married life was treating him.
The married guy replied,
"Great except for one problem, our sex life. Everytime I am getting
off, she isn't, and every time she is, I'm not.
We are frustrated because we heard it is so much better when you get
off at the same time."

The guy from the wedding party replied, "There is a simple solution to
that. The next time you are and she's not, give her a little jab in the
stomach. For some reason that makes women get off."
Even though it was against his better judgment, the married man
promised to try it, and the two parted their ways.

About 3 months later, by chance they met up again and of course the guy
is eager to find out what had happened. He replied, "Hey, is everything
better on the home front?" The married man replied, "Not exactly!!! I
did exactly as you told me to. I was getting ready to
get off, so I punched her in the stomach. She pissed in my face and
almost bit my dick off!"
==
John was talking to Alan.
"So, Alan, how's it going with the ladies?"
"Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects."
"Really?"
"Yep, whenever I mention sex, they object."
==
Did you hear about the divorced redneck?
He wondered if his ex-wife was still his sister.
==
The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her
husband, "You know, you're really a lousy lover!"
The husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"
==
What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every
once in a while you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your
eyes.

Life

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.

"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."

"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."

"You're both wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house."
======================================================
What did the post card say from the blonde?
Having a good time. Where am I?

Did 'ya hear about the blonde who..............
Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
================================================
One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor. The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself." So he went out and bought a starter pistol.
Luckily, when he got home his wife was already naked in bed, ready for him, so they got in the 69 position and started in. Soon he felt the urge to shoot his load, so he fired the pistol.
The next day he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went. He said, "Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, shit in my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up."
=========================================================
Joe met Suzi in a nightclub.

They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the eveningSuzi invited Joe to her place, where they quickly got involved in a verypassionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Suzi began tenderly stroking Joe's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Joe comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more?

Suzi replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine... "

 

[melody]

The Gynecologist

A girl goes to the gynecologist for the first time. She's up in the
stirrups, and the doctor notices she's trembling. He says: You're
nervous, aren't you?
Yes, it's my first visit to a gynecologist.
Would you like me to numb you down there?
Oh, yes please.
He sticks his face between her legs and goes Num, num, num .

yyyyy

CONFUCIUS SAY:

Woman who springs on innerspring this spring, gets offspring next spring.

Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter.

Sex on beach is like American beer - very near water.

Woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp cock.

Man who buy drowned cat, must pay for stinking wet pussy.

Girl who is wallflower at party, may be dandelion in bed.

Man who keep feet firmly on ground, have trouble putting on pants
Woman who slides down banister, makes monkey shine.

yyyyy

My wife came home from the doctor's the other day and said that he told
her she couldn't make love. I've known this for years I want to know how
he found out!

yyyyy

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without
her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for
herself. The next day her mother called to see how everything went.
Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble
trying to eat the turkey said the daughter.
Did it not taste good her mother asked.
I don't know,the blonde said. It wouldn't sit still!

A Pig Farmer

A pig farmer in Alabama was trying to get his pigs to breed,
with no success. Every morning, he'd run outside to the barn and
perform a pregnancy test on the female pigs. Everyday, the results were
negative.
The farmer was baffled.

One day, he called the local vet and asked for some advice. The
farmer explained that he couldn't get his pigs to mate. The vet
replied, "Try artificial insemination."

"What's that?" the farmer asked.

The veterinarian said, "It just means if you can't get your pigs
to mate, you'll have to do it for them."

So the next day the farmer rounded his pigs into the back of his
pickup and headed into the woods. Soon he stopped, and one by one he
shagged each of the pigs.

Later that week, the farmer checked the pigs. None of them were
pregnant! So the farmer took the pigs out again and shagged them
really good.

After days of this, with no pregnant pigs, the farmer gave up.
One morning as he went to feed the pigs, he arrived to find that the
pigs were all missing! He ran back inside the house and shouted,
"Wife! The pigs are gone!"

His wife replied, "Honey you're not going to believe this, but all of
your pigs are sitting in your pickup, and one of them is honking
the horn."
o0o0o0o0o0
A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, "I want
me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I
find'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the
condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the
farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is
for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you
mean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here," argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it,
my wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it."