cant stop laughing
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JeSt fOr LaUgHs...
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MY PRIVATE PART DIED
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace..
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little
crazy,
she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please
accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the
hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
(You've gotta love this .)
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING, SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU.
Thanks Little Johnny!
=============
Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."
========
Q: What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
A: We really do taste like chicken!
Q: What's the first sign that you've been kidnapped by an idiot?
A: He puts the return address on the ransom note.
Q: What's the second sign that you've been kidnapped by an idiot?
A: When your parents ask for proof that you're alive, he sends you home to tell them.
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace..
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little
crazy,
she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please
accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the
hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
(You've gotta love this .)
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING, SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU.
Thanks Little Johnny!
=============
Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."
========
Q: What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
A: We really do taste like chicken!
Q: What's the first sign that you've been kidnapped by an idiot?
A: He puts the return address on the ransom note.
Q: What's the second sign that you've been kidnapped by an idiot?
A: When your parents ask for proof that you're alive, he sends you home to tell them.
Little Johnny And Little Susie
Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but
they know that they are in love. One day they decide
they want to get married, so Little Johnny goes to Susie's
father to ask him for her hand.
Little Johnny bravely walks up to him and says
"Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love
and I'm asking for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith
replies, "Well Little Johnny, you are only 10.
Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Little
Johnny replies. "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can
both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to
get a job. You'll need to support Susie."
Again, Little Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...
Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Little
Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks
for a moment trying to come up with something that Little Johnny
won't have an answer to. After a second,
Mr. Smith says, "Well Little Johnny, it seems like you have got
everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you.
What will you do if the two of you should have little ones
of your own?"
Little Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says
"That's okay, I'll just keep fucking her up the ass for now..."
Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "shit" meant.
Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".
Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.
Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".
Next day he comes home a asks what does "fuckin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".
That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.
He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin'".
Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but
they know that they are in love. One day they decide
they want to get married, so Little Johnny goes to Susie's
father to ask him for her hand.
Little Johnny bravely walks up to him and says
"Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love
and I'm asking for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith
replies, "Well Little Johnny, you are only 10.
Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Little
Johnny replies. "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can
both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to
get a job. You'll need to support Susie."
Again, Little Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...
Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Little
Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks
for a moment trying to come up with something that Little Johnny
won't have an answer to. After a second,
Mr. Smith says, "Well Little Johnny, it seems like you have got
everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you.
What will you do if the two of you should have little ones
of your own?"
Little Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says
"That's okay, I'll just keep fucking her up the ass for now..."
Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "shit" meant.
Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".
Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.
Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".
Next day he comes home a asks what does "fuckin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".
That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.
He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin'".
Firm This Up.
A woman comes out of the shower one morning. Her husband sneaks up behind her, grabs a hold of her breasts, and says 'honey, if you firm these up a little bit you wouldn't have to wear a bra quite as much.'
She was furious and didn't speak to him for the rest of the week.
The next week, as she comes out of the shower, he sneaks up behind her again, grabs a hold of her buttocks, and says 'honey, if you firm these up a little bit, you wouldn't have to wear a girdle quite as much.
Well she was furious.
Next morning, he comes out of the shower, and she sneaks up behind him, grasp a hold of his penis, and says 'you know honey, if you firm this up a little bit, I wouldn't have to see your brother quite as much!!!"
00000000000
The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston and it changes it's own
oil every four weeks. It's only a pity that the management system is so
fucking temperamental.
00000000000
A woman was shopping in a furniture store for a new mattress.
As she bent over to examine the tenth mattress she had considered,
she suddenly let out a horrendous fart.
"Excuse me," she said, embarrassed, to the clerk who was helping her.
"Heck, I'm used to it, lady," he said. "When you see the price
on that one, your gonna shit!"
A woman comes out of the shower one morning. Her husband sneaks up behind her, grabs a hold of her breasts, and says 'honey, if you firm these up a little bit you wouldn't have to wear a bra quite as much.'
She was furious and didn't speak to him for the rest of the week.
The next week, as she comes out of the shower, he sneaks up behind her again, grabs a hold of her buttocks, and says 'honey, if you firm these up a little bit, you wouldn't have to wear a girdle quite as much.
Well she was furious.
Next morning, he comes out of the shower, and she sneaks up behind him, grasp a hold of his penis, and says 'you know honey, if you firm this up a little bit, I wouldn't have to see your brother quite as much!!!"
00000000000
The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston and it changes it's own
oil every four weeks. It's only a pity that the management system is so
fucking temperamental.
00000000000
A woman was shopping in a furniture store for a new mattress.
As she bent over to examine the tenth mattress she had considered,
she suddenly let out a horrendous fart.
"Excuse me," she said, embarrassed, to the clerk who was helping her.
"Heck, I'm used to it, lady," he said. "When you see the price
on that one, your gonna shit!"
Blonde And A Brunette
A blonde, a brunette and a red head are in the copy room
of their office building when the red head goes over to
the corner of the room.
She stands with a puzzled look on her face for a second
then says 'This looks like a semen stain'.
The brunette walks over to look as well as touch the
stain. She says 'Looks and feels like semen.'
The blonde comes over, looks at, touches, then tastes the
stain. She says 'looks like it, feels like it and tastes
like it, but it's not from any man in this office.'
=======
A little old man went into a drug store to buy Viagra. He says, "Can I
have six tablets, and can you cut them into quarters for me?"
"I can cut them into quarters, sir," says the pharmacist, "but a quarter
won't give you a full erection."
"I don't mind," says the old man. "I'm 96 and don't have any use for an
erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my
slippers."
=======
Q: What is the only time a chick should fake an orgasm?
A: When she has a Pit bull humping her leg.
Q: What is the definition of a Tampon?
A: A beaver dam.
Q: What is the difference between pussy and apple pie?
A: You can eat your mom's apple pie.
Q: Why does a dog lick his ass?
A: Because he knows in 5 minutes he'll be licking your face.
A blonde, a brunette and a red head are in the copy room
of their office building when the red head goes over to
the corner of the room.
She stands with a puzzled look on her face for a second
then says 'This looks like a semen stain'.
The brunette walks over to look as well as touch the
stain. She says 'Looks and feels like semen.'
The blonde comes over, looks at, touches, then tastes the
stain. She says 'looks like it, feels like it and tastes
like it, but it's not from any man in this office.'
=======
A little old man went into a drug store to buy Viagra. He says, "Can I
have six tablets, and can you cut them into quarters for me?"
"I can cut them into quarters, sir," says the pharmacist, "but a quarter
won't give you a full erection."
"I don't mind," says the old man. "I'm 96 and don't have any use for an
erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my
slippers."
=======
Q: What is the only time a chick should fake an orgasm?
A: When she has a Pit bull humping her leg.
Q: What is the definition of a Tampon?
A: A beaver dam.
Q: What is the difference between pussy and apple pie?
A: You can eat your mom's apple pie.
Q: Why does a dog lick his ass?
A: Because he knows in 5 minutes he'll be licking your face.
Little Johnny In Class
One day, Johnny was sitting in class when the teacher came in. She
announced that they were going to play a little game where she would say
a letter, and she would pick one person in the class to say an animal
that started with that letter.
So first the teacher said the letter "C", and there were several kids
with their hands raised, but Johnny was jumping up and down, so the
teacher thinking, "Oh no, not Johnny" picked on Susie. Susie said,
"Cow."
The teacher said very good. Next the teacher said the letter "S". There
was Johnny jumping up and down trying to get the teacher to call on him,
but instead she called on Billy. He said "Snake". Good she said.
Next she called out the letter "R", and once again there was Johnny
jumping up and down, in the aisle to get the teacher's attention. So the
teacher thinks to herself, "I can't think of anything bad that starts
with an 'R'", so she calls on Johnny.
"A Rat..." Johnny says, spreading his hands about 12" apart, "with a big
fucking dick this long."
~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~
How are women like snowflakes???
They are all beautiful.
They are all different.
They can be cold as ice.
But they'll all melt when they land on your tongue.
~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~
With all the cold weather and snow we are getting lately, here's an
important tip that'll save you some time and money:
Q: How do you turn a washing machine into a snow plow?
A: Give the bitch a shovel and send her outside.
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit
her grandmother, when suddenly The Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind
a tree.
"Ah-ha....," The Big Bad Wolf said, "Now I've got you and I'm going to
eat you!"
"EAT! EAT! EAT!..." Little Red Riding Hood said angrily, "Damn it,
doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
No Panties
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is
walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and
buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."
The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks
her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the
money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money,
the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her
shortest dresses and runs out to the church.
As soon as the mother sees the priest
coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the
priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says,
"Take this money and for God's Sakes, buy yourself a razor!"
-===(
A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and
finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says, "What the hell
are you two doing?"
His wife turns to the stranger and says, "Didn't I tell you what a
stupid shit he is."
-===(
Mrs. Speidell, who was a little on the chubby side,
was at her weight-watchers meeting . "My husband insists
I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a
woman with a trim figure." she lamented to the woman next
to her.
"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that?"
"He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."
-===(
Young Jimmy was taking confession when he told the priest
that he was having impure thoughts about his sister.
"Is this a sin, Father" he asked.
The priest nodded and said, "Yes Jimmy, indeed it is a
sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."
One day, Johnny was sitting in class when the teacher came in. She
announced that they were going to play a little game where she would say
a letter, and she would pick one person in the class to say an animal
that started with that letter.
So first the teacher said the letter "C", and there were several kids
with their hands raised, but Johnny was jumping up and down, so the
teacher thinking, "Oh no, not Johnny" picked on Susie. Susie said,
"Cow."
The teacher said very good. Next the teacher said the letter "S". There
was Johnny jumping up and down trying to get the teacher to call on him,
but instead she called on Billy. He said "Snake". Good she said.
Next she called out the letter "R", and once again there was Johnny
jumping up and down, in the aisle to get the teacher's attention. So the
teacher thinks to herself, "I can't think of anything bad that starts
with an 'R'", so she calls on Johnny.
"A Rat..." Johnny says, spreading his hands about 12" apart, "with a big
fucking dick this long."
~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~
How are women like snowflakes???
They are all beautiful.
They are all different.
They can be cold as ice.
But they'll all melt when they land on your tongue.
~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~
With all the cold weather and snow we are getting lately, here's an
important tip that'll save you some time and money:
Q: How do you turn a washing machine into a snow plow?
A: Give the bitch a shovel and send her outside.
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit
her grandmother, when suddenly The Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind
a tree.
"Ah-ha....," The Big Bad Wolf said, "Now I've got you and I'm going to
eat you!"
"EAT! EAT! EAT!..." Little Red Riding Hood said angrily, "Damn it,
doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
No Panties
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is
walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and
buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."
The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks
her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the
money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money,
the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her
shortest dresses and runs out to the church.
As soon as the mother sees the priest
coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the
priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says,
"Take this money and for God's Sakes, buy yourself a razor!"
-===(
A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and
finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says, "What the hell
are you two doing?"
His wife turns to the stranger and says, "Didn't I tell you what a
stupid shit he is."
-===(
Mrs. Speidell, who was a little on the chubby side,
was at her weight-watchers meeting . "My husband insists
I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a
woman with a trim figure." she lamented to the woman next
to her.
"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that?"
"He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."
-===(
Young Jimmy was taking confession when he told the priest
that he was having impure thoughts about his sister.
"Is this a sin, Father" he asked.
The priest nodded and said, "Yes Jimmy, indeed it is a
sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."
Ten Things You Should Never Say To A Woman During An Argument:
1. Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
2. Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.
3. You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread.
4. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it
5. You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
6. Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.
7. Whoa, time out. Football is on.
8. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!
9. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
10. Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.
The businessman spent a good half an hour in the hotel lounge
bragging to the hooker about how big his dick was. Finally she
suggested they retire to his room and check it out, and he
willingly agreed.
The guy stripped off his clothes, jumped on top of the hooker,
entered her, and said triumphantly, "Why don't you open your
mouth, baby, so I can see the end of my prick?"
"Open my mouth?" scoffed the hooker. "Why don't you wiggle your
ass so I can feel it?"
Young Amy likes lifting her dress,
And removing her panties to press
In a manner obscene
'Gainst the washing machine
To relieve all her work-a-day stress.
Double Martini
While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive woman sat
down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and
the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm
celebrating." "I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses
with him. "What are you celebrating?" he asked. "For years I've been
trying to have a child," she answered, "today my gynecologist told me
I'm pregnant!" "Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As
it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were
infertile. But today they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?" "I
switched cocks." "What a coincidence," she said, smiling "That's
exactly what I did!"
lllll
Morris that walks into a house of ill repute in Nevada
and says, "I'll give $20,000 to any woman here
who'll come into the desert with me and do it MY way."
One of the ladies agrees, and off they go driving into the
desert. After about an hour of hot sex she gets curious,
and asks him,...."Just what is your way?"
"On credit."
lllll
Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take
them while driving.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
Be really good to your family and friends. You never
know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
1. Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
2. Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.
3. You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread.
4. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it
5. You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
6. Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.
7. Whoa, time out. Football is on.
8. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!
9. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
10. Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.
The businessman spent a good half an hour in the hotel lounge
bragging to the hooker about how big his dick was. Finally she
suggested they retire to his room and check it out, and he
willingly agreed.
The guy stripped off his clothes, jumped on top of the hooker,
entered her, and said triumphantly, "Why don't you open your
mouth, baby, so I can see the end of my prick?"
"Open my mouth?" scoffed the hooker. "Why don't you wiggle your
ass so I can feel it?"
Young Amy likes lifting her dress,
And removing her panties to press
In a manner obscene
'Gainst the washing machine
To relieve all her work-a-day stress.
Double Martini
While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive woman sat
down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and
the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm
celebrating." "I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses
with him. "What are you celebrating?" he asked. "For years I've been
trying to have a child," she answered, "today my gynecologist told me
I'm pregnant!" "Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As
it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were
infertile. But today they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?" "I
switched cocks." "What a coincidence," she said, smiling "That's
exactly what I did!"
lllll
Morris that walks into a house of ill repute in Nevada
and says, "I'll give $20,000 to any woman here
who'll come into the desert with me and do it MY way."
One of the ladies agrees, and off they go driving into the
desert. After about an hour of hot sex she gets curious,
and asks him,...."Just what is your way?"
"On credit."
lllll
Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take
them while driving.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
Be really good to your family and friends. You never
know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
50 Dumb Uses For Used Condoms...
1) Bicycle handle grips.
2) French tickler animals.
3) Shower caps for people with tiny heads.
4) Put one on a lightbulb for mood lighting.
5) Fill one with helium and tie a note to it.
6) Get 1000 and make a submarine.
7) Put one over the showerhead to surprise Dad.
8) Put 'em on your cat's feet to keep it from climbing the curtains.
Sex with the Straight Boys
A true life tale of what breeder boys don't want to admit
by someone who knows.
I was the guy in high school who called the band members faggot. I was the one who threw all the fem guys in the trash cans. I was the jock, I played sports, had a cool car, went out with the cheerleaders, and tried to be the all around stud.
I was QUEER.
I didn't want anyone to know, and no one did, but everyone did.
I fucked all my friends, and they sucked and fucked me. See, as long as you didn't LOOK like a fag, or WALK like a fag, or KISS another guy, you could have sex with anyone. I did, I had sex with everyone.
ALL my straight ,kick some faggot ass friends. We never talked about it, we just did it. We did it when we were drunk. We did IT when we were rolling around wrestling, we did it at night, in the head, in class when the lights went out and the movies started. WE ALL DID IT.
The dirty little secret all straight men have is that they got hard/ get hard over anything. Given the opportunity, they will CUM with anyone, anything, if they are normal.
The only guys who didn't had tiny little dicks, or some sort of COCK abnormality. And of course we never had sex with the faggots.
I got better, but lots of the QUEERS who are out there have not. They are still yelling FAGGOT out their car windows at people they don't even know, or attacking people just because they are not "straight."
I can spot the real faggot miles away, they are in their glass closets, trying to hide behind their hate and violence.
The only person they are fooling is themselves.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peckers
and shoved them up his butt!!!
There once was a crooked man
Who lived in a crooked house
And had a crooked penis
At least he wasn't straight.
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack me off and suck my dick.
What are little fags made of?
Dicks and butts
What are little dykes made of?
Hot clits, baby, hot clits
What are little Queers made of?
Dykes and Fags and Bisexuals
and Transgender people and etc.
9) Blow a bunch up and tie them to the cars outside a wedding.
10) Put one on your nose and be Bobo the clown.
11) Water wings for those non-swimmers.
12) Use 500 of them to spell out "We Want Women!!" on your house.
13) Jello molds.
14) Finger puppets.
15) A wind sock.
16) Use as a bobber when fishing.
17) Put them on soda cans to keep the fizz in when you're not drinking
it.
18) Practical joke: Put one on an exhaust pipe.
19) Suspenders.
20) Recycle as a Burger King ketchup baggie. (or would mayonnaise
be better?)
21) Small animal muzzle.
22) Put them on your fingers & play proctologist.
23) Put them on your toes to make swimfins.
24) Draw eyeballs on them and make funny glasses.
25) Automatic door closing devices.
26) Have 'water' balloon fights.
27) Glue a bunch together and use to replace silicon breast implants.
28) Freeze them for an all- natural popsicle.
29) Glue several together and sell as a "Stretch Man" toy.
30) Use for a Xmas stocking stuffings for those that screwed you.
31) Ear/nose plugs.
32) Use 365 of them to make into a tire, and call it a "Good Year".
33) Replace those old "Dr. Scholls" shoe cushions.
34) Feed them to your pet iguana, Clyde.
35) Paint scales on them & put them in a fishtank.
36) "I challenge you to a duel!"
37) Drain plugs.
38) Put them in with your tax return.
39) Go see "Saturday Night Fever" and throw them at the screen.
40) Punching bags.
41) Hang them on the blades of a ceiling fan.
42) Send 69 of them to your ex-girlfriend.
43) Novelty key rings.
44) Hang them all around your windshield and be a chicano.
45) Spell "Happy Birthday" on a cake.
46) Break out your paints and make wax fruit.
47) Glue them on your nipples and try to swing them in opposite
directions.
48) Make a patch work "water" bed.
49) Put your money in one. Nobody will steal it!
50) Stick one on the bridge of your nose and run around saying
"Gobble Gobble".
1) Bicycle handle grips.
2) French tickler animals.
3) Shower caps for people with tiny heads.
4) Put one on a lightbulb for mood lighting.
5) Fill one with helium and tie a note to it.
6) Get 1000 and make a submarine.
7) Put one over the showerhead to surprise Dad.
8) Put 'em on your cat's feet to keep it from climbing the curtains.
Sex with the Straight Boys
A true life tale of what breeder boys don't want to admit
by someone who knows.
I was the guy in high school who called the band members faggot. I was the one who threw all the fem guys in the trash cans. I was the jock, I played sports, had a cool car, went out with the cheerleaders, and tried to be the all around stud.
I was QUEER.
I didn't want anyone to know, and no one did, but everyone did.
I fucked all my friends, and they sucked and fucked me. See, as long as you didn't LOOK like a fag, or WALK like a fag, or KISS another guy, you could have sex with anyone. I did, I had sex with everyone.
ALL my straight ,kick some faggot ass friends. We never talked about it, we just did it. We did it when we were drunk. We did IT when we were rolling around wrestling, we did it at night, in the head, in class when the lights went out and the movies started. WE ALL DID IT.
The dirty little secret all straight men have is that they got hard/ get hard over anything. Given the opportunity, they will CUM with anyone, anything, if they are normal.
The only guys who didn't had tiny little dicks, or some sort of COCK abnormality. And of course we never had sex with the faggots.
I got better, but lots of the QUEERS who are out there have not. They are still yelling FAGGOT out their car windows at people they don't even know, or attacking people just because they are not "straight."
I can spot the real faggot miles away, they are in their glass closets, trying to hide behind their hate and violence.
The only person they are fooling is themselves.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peckers
and shoved them up his butt!!!
There once was a crooked man
Who lived in a crooked house
And had a crooked penis
At least he wasn't straight.
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack me off and suck my dick.
What are little fags made of?
Dicks and butts
What are little dykes made of?
Hot clits, baby, hot clits
What are little Queers made of?
Dykes and Fags and Bisexuals
and Transgender people and etc.
9) Blow a bunch up and tie them to the cars outside a wedding.
10) Put one on your nose and be Bobo the clown.
11) Water wings for those non-swimmers.
12) Use 500 of them to spell out "We Want Women!!" on your house.
13) Jello molds.
14) Finger puppets.
15) A wind sock.
16) Use as a bobber when fishing.
17) Put them on soda cans to keep the fizz in when you're not drinking
it.
18) Practical joke: Put one on an exhaust pipe.
19) Suspenders.
20) Recycle as a Burger King ketchup baggie. (or would mayonnaise
be better?)
21) Small animal muzzle.
22) Put them on your fingers & play proctologist.
23) Put them on your toes to make swimfins.
24) Draw eyeballs on them and make funny glasses.
25) Automatic door closing devices.
26) Have 'water' balloon fights.
27) Glue a bunch together and use to replace silicon breast implants.
28) Freeze them for an all- natural popsicle.
29) Glue several together and sell as a "Stretch Man" toy.
30) Use for a Xmas stocking stuffings for those that screwed you.
31) Ear/nose plugs.
32) Use 365 of them to make into a tire, and call it a "Good Year".
33) Replace those old "Dr. Scholls" shoe cushions.
34) Feed them to your pet iguana, Clyde.
35) Paint scales on them & put them in a fishtank.
36) "I challenge you to a duel!"
37) Drain plugs.
38) Put them in with your tax return.
39) Go see "Saturday Night Fever" and throw them at the screen.
40) Punching bags.
41) Hang them on the blades of a ceiling fan.
42) Send 69 of them to your ex-girlfriend.
43) Novelty key rings.
44) Hang them all around your windshield and be a chicano.
45) Spell "Happy Birthday" on a cake.
46) Break out your paints and make wax fruit.
47) Glue them on your nipples and try to swing them in opposite
directions.
48) Make a patch work "water" bed.
49) Put your money in one. Nobody will steal it!
50) Stick one on the bridge of your nose and run around saying
"Gobble Gobble".
The Benefits Of Growing Older
...Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.
...You consider coffee one of the most important things in
life.
...You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
...You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor
to watch television.
...People who call at 9 p.m. ask, "Did I wake you?"
...You send money to PBS.
...You can tune people out and pretend you are hard of hearing
and they believe you.
...You don't have to worry about the cops being called when
you throw a party because the neighbors don't even realize
it.
...In a hostage situation you are likely to be released
first.
...People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
...Things you buy now won't wear out.
...There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
...Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning
to pay off.
...Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
...It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to
stick..
...No one expects you to run into a burning building.
...Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather
Service.
...Your eyes won't get much worse.
...Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a
manageable size.
...You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who
walks into the room.
...You can do anything without worrying about what people think
about you, because you just don't give a shit what they
think.
*******
A guy is in the pub toilet having a p*ss when the door opens. In walks a very large, very muscular guy. This guy proceeds to pull down his pants, revealing a monster prick.
To the man’s amazement, the muscular guy growls and slams his dick into the sink attached to the wall. It shatters, spraying pieces and water everywhere. Next, the muscular man growls louder, and slams it into one of the stalls, making the entire thing collapse. Then he slams it into the wall of the room, knocking a very large hole into it.
The giant approaches the scared guy having a p*ss.
"Hey, mate, do you see this very large, very strong cock?" he asks.
"Yes, " replies the guy taking a leak.
"Do you know what I am going to do with this very large, very strong cock?"
"No, I’m afraid I don’t, "
"I’m going to shove it up your @rse !"
"Jesus, that’s a relief. I thought you were going to hit me with it!"
A Lovely Young Thing
The playboy encountered a lovely young thing on one of his trips abroad
and decided to marry her. Blessing the fact that she was not only a
virgin but totally naive, he seized on the wedding night as a chance to
break her in right, and had her suck him off a number of times. The
next
day the bride went to see her mother, and burst into tears almost
immediately.
"Oh, Mother," she sobbed . "I did so want to have children,
and now I just know I never shall."
"Now, now, dear, what makes you so sure?" asked the mother soothingly.
"Because." she wept, "because I'll never learn to swallow
that dreadful stuff!"
~~~~~~~~~
There was a young fellow named Paul
Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
But the size of my prick
Is God's dirtiest trick,
For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"
~~~~~~~~~
There was a debauched little wench
that nothing could ever make her flinch.
She admitted men's poles,
At all possible holes,
And she'd bugger, fuck, jerk off, and french.
~~~~~~~~~
"Good morning, ma'am, I've come to ask for collections, for the
Salvation Army," said the man in the bright red Santa suit to the woman
who opened the door wearing nothing but panties and a see-through
negligee.
"How do I know that?" the young woman replied. "How do I know you're
really with the Salvation Army? How do I know you aren't some sex
fiend
who has come to take advantage of a poor, defenseless female who's all
alone in her house ... and will be until 5:30pm this evening?"
...Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.
...You consider coffee one of the most important things in
life.
...You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
...You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor
to watch television.
...People who call at 9 p.m. ask, "Did I wake you?"
...You send money to PBS.
...You can tune people out and pretend you are hard of hearing
and they believe you.
...You don't have to worry about the cops being called when
you throw a party because the neighbors don't even realize
it.
...In a hostage situation you are likely to be released
first.
...People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
...Things you buy now won't wear out.
...There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
...Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning
to pay off.
...Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
...It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to
stick..
...No one expects you to run into a burning building.
...Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather
Service.
...Your eyes won't get much worse.
...Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a
manageable size.
...You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who
walks into the room.
...You can do anything without worrying about what people think
about you, because you just don't give a shit what they
think.
*******
A guy is in the pub toilet having a p*ss when the door opens. In walks a very large, very muscular guy. This guy proceeds to pull down his pants, revealing a monster prick.
To the man’s amazement, the muscular guy growls and slams his dick into the sink attached to the wall. It shatters, spraying pieces and water everywhere. Next, the muscular man growls louder, and slams it into one of the stalls, making the entire thing collapse. Then he slams it into the wall of the room, knocking a very large hole into it.
The giant approaches the scared guy having a p*ss.
"Hey, mate, do you see this very large, very strong cock?" he asks.
"Yes, " replies the guy taking a leak.
"Do you know what I am going to do with this very large, very strong cock?"
"No, I’m afraid I don’t, "
"I’m going to shove it up your @rse !"
"Jesus, that’s a relief. I thought you were going to hit me with it!"
A Lovely Young Thing
The playboy encountered a lovely young thing on one of his trips abroad
and decided to marry her. Blessing the fact that she was not only a
virgin but totally naive, he seized on the wedding night as a chance to
break her in right, and had her suck him off a number of times. The
next
day the bride went to see her mother, and burst into tears almost
immediately.
"Oh, Mother," she sobbed . "I did so want to have children,
and now I just know I never shall."
"Now, now, dear, what makes you so sure?" asked the mother soothingly.
"Because." she wept, "because I'll never learn to swallow
that dreadful stuff!"
~~~~~~~~~
There was a young fellow named Paul
Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
But the size of my prick
Is God's dirtiest trick,
For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"
~~~~~~~~~
There was a debauched little wench
that nothing could ever make her flinch.
She admitted men's poles,
At all possible holes,
And she'd bugger, fuck, jerk off, and french.
~~~~~~~~~
"Good morning, ma'am, I've come to ask for collections, for the
Salvation Army," said the man in the bright red Santa suit to the woman
who opened the door wearing nothing but panties and a see-through
negligee.
"How do I know that?" the young woman replied. "How do I know you're
really with the Salvation Army? How do I know you aren't some sex
fiend
who has come to take advantage of a poor, defenseless female who's all
alone in her house ... and will be until 5:30pm this evening?"
Time To See The Dentist
There was this young couple who have dated since high school, but they
have never had sex because the boy's mother always told him that what a
woman has between her legs has teeth. For obvious reasons, the boy has
always been afraid to venture down there.
They finally marry, and on their wedding night, the young groom walks
out of the bathroom to find his new bride dressed in a very sexy
negligee and lying invitingly on the bed. She says to him, "Oh honey,
Sex Laws
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania:
There is a law against: having sex with a truck driver in a toll booth.
In Nevada:
There is a law against: having sex without a condom.
In Willowdale, Oregon:
There is a law against: a husband talking dirty in his wife's ear during sex.
In Clinton, Oklahoma:
There is a law against: masturbating while watching two people have sex in a car.
In the state of Washington:
There is a law against: having sex with a virgin under any circumstances (including the wedding night).
In Tremonton, Utah:
There is a law against: having sex in an ambulance.
In Newcastle, Wyoming:
There is a law against: having sex in a butcher shop's meat freezer.
In Alexandria, Minnesota:
There is a law against: a man having sex with his wife with the stink of onions, sardines, or garlic on his breath.
Illegal to have sex with halitosis in Minnesota!>
In every state in the union:
There is a law against: having sex with a corpse.
In Ames, Iowa:
There is a law against: drinking more than three slugs of beer while lying in bed with a woman.
In Fairbanks, Alaska:
There is a law against: two moose having sex on the city sidewalks.
In Kingsville, Texas:
There is a law against: two pigs having sex on Kingsville airport property.
In Ventura County, California:
There is a law against: cats and dogs having sex without a permit.
In Washington, D.C.:
There is a law against: having sex in any position other than face-to-face.
here's the moment we've been waiting for.... It's time to consummate our
marriage."
He is apparently flustered, and says, "Oh, no....I'm not going down
there!"
The confused bride asks, "But honey, why not?"
He turned to her and said, "Well, my mother always told me that what a
woman has between her legs has teeth."
The bride laughed and said, "That's nonsense; here, let me show you."
So, she whips off her negligee, spreads her legs open, and pulls her
nether lips apart, saying, "See honey?... No teeth!"
The groom quickly replies, "My God! With gum disease like that, it's
no *wonder* you have no teeth!!"
A 16 year daughter shows up in the house really late after her first date.
Her angry mother asks her where the hell she's been all night.
"Mom, I think I am in love!"
"What do you mean, that's not likely on your first date!"
"Yeah, but I sucked his dick and then he fucked me in the ass."
"That's not love, my little one, that's lust. When you first get fucked in
the ass and then suck his dick - that's love."
There was this young couple who have dated since high school, but they
have never had sex because the boy's mother always told him that what a
woman has between her legs has teeth. For obvious reasons, the boy has
always been afraid to venture down there.
They finally marry, and on their wedding night, the young groom walks
out of the bathroom to find his new bride dressed in a very sexy
negligee and lying invitingly on the bed. She says to him, "Oh honey,
Sex Laws
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania:
There is a law against: having sex with a truck driver in a toll booth.
In Nevada:
There is a law against: having sex without a condom.
In Willowdale, Oregon:
There is a law against: a husband talking dirty in his wife's ear during sex.
In Clinton, Oklahoma:
There is a law against: masturbating while watching two people have sex in a car.
In the state of Washington:
There is a law against: having sex with a virgin under any circumstances (including the wedding night).
In Tremonton, Utah:
There is a law against: having sex in an ambulance.
In Newcastle, Wyoming:
There is a law against: having sex in a butcher shop's meat freezer.
In Alexandria, Minnesota:
There is a law against: a man having sex with his wife with the stink of onions, sardines, or garlic on his breath.
Illegal to have sex with halitosis in Minnesota!>
In every state in the union:
There is a law against: having sex with a corpse.
In Ames, Iowa:
There is a law against: drinking more than three slugs of beer while lying in bed with a woman.
In Fairbanks, Alaska:
There is a law against: two moose having sex on the city sidewalks.
In Kingsville, Texas:
There is a law against: two pigs having sex on Kingsville airport property.
In Ventura County, California:
There is a law against: cats and dogs having sex without a permit.
In Washington, D.C.:
There is a law against: having sex in any position other than face-to-face.
here's the moment we've been waiting for.... It's time to consummate our
marriage."
He is apparently flustered, and says, "Oh, no....I'm not going down
there!"
The confused bride asks, "But honey, why not?"
He turned to her and said, "Well, my mother always told me that what a
woman has between her legs has teeth."
The bride laughed and said, "That's nonsense; here, let me show you."
So, she whips off her negligee, spreads her legs open, and pulls her
nether lips apart, saying, "See honey?... No teeth!"
The groom quickly replies, "My God! With gum disease like that, it's
no *wonder* you have no teeth!!"
A 16 year daughter shows up in the house really late after her first date.
Her angry mother asks her where the hell she's been all night.
"Mom, I think I am in love!"
"What do you mean, that's not likely on your first date!"
"Yeah, but I sucked his dick and then he fucked me in the ass."
"That's not love, my little one, that's lust. When you first get fucked in
the ass and then suck his dick - that's love."
In A Public Park
Two gay guys were caught in the act in a public park by a policeman. As
the cop tried to arrest them for their act of public indecency, they
bolted away. The cop pursued after them and managed to catch one of
them. He told him, "When I catch your boyfriend I'm going to shove this
nightstick right up his ass." Just then a voice calls out from behind a
tree. "Yoo-hoo, Officer. I'm over here."
_____
A lady called a music store about a recording, but dialed wrong and
connected with an auto mechanic instead.
She asked, "Do you have two lips and seven kisses?"
He said, "No..But I have two balls and seven inches."
She responded, "Is that a record?"
He said, "No...But it's a damn good average"
_____
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove
a "curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce
you man and wife."
_____
"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician
solicitously.
"Nah," replied the blonde mother to be.
"He and my husband don't get along."
Two gay guys were caught in the act in a public park by a policeman. As
the cop tried to arrest them for their act of public indecency, they
bolted away. The cop pursued after them and managed to catch one of
them. He told him, "When I catch your boyfriend I'm going to shove this
nightstick right up his ass." Just then a voice calls out from behind a
tree. "Yoo-hoo, Officer. I'm over here."
_____
A lady called a music store about a recording, but dialed wrong and
connected with an auto mechanic instead.
She asked, "Do you have two lips and seven kisses?"
He said, "No..But I have two balls and seven inches."
She responded, "Is that a record?"
He said, "No...But it's a damn good average"
_____
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove
a "curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce
you man and wife."
_____
"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician
solicitously.
"Nah," replied the blonde mother to be.
"He and my husband don't get along."
A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators when the clerk
said, "Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most
realistic model." The woman said, "You mean it's shaped exactly like
a man's penis?" "No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five
minutes it goes soft for the rest of the night."
ddddd
Q. What's the difference between a women that's had a child and a women who hasn't?
A. One has a has a tiny tot, and one has a tiny twat.
Q: What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A: Michael Jackson slumber party.
ddddd
A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation.
The doctors said it was touch and go.
My ex's parents always told him he could be what he wanted to be, so
he became an asshole
ddddd
This blind man was feeling his way down the street with his cane, he passes by a fish market and stops. He takes a deep breath and announces, "Good Morning Ladies."
ddddd
A cowboy walks into a bar and says, "Okay, which one of
you assholes painted my horse's balls yellow?"
A mean 6'8" gunfighter walks up and say, "I did."
"Oh," the cowboy swallowed. "I just wanted you to know
that the first coat is dry."
ddddd
Betty and Rose were talking about their sex lives and Betty said that
her new boyfriend always wants to perform cunnilingus, all the time.
"Wow," said Rose, "You are really lucky, but if you want to prevent him
from doing that, just rub a little garlic down there."
Betty said, "I tried that already, and the next night he came to bed with some bread, olive oil, and a head of lettuce."
said, "Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most
realistic model." The woman said, "You mean it's shaped exactly like
a man's penis?" "No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five
minutes it goes soft for the rest of the night."
ddddd
Q. What's the difference between a women that's had a child and a women who hasn't?
A. One has a has a tiny tot, and one has a tiny twat.
Q: What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A: Michael Jackson slumber party.
ddddd
A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation.
The doctors said it was touch and go.
My ex's parents always told him he could be what he wanted to be, so
he became an asshole
ddddd
This blind man was feeling his way down the street with his cane, he passes by a fish market and stops. He takes a deep breath and announces, "Good Morning Ladies."
ddddd
A cowboy walks into a bar and says, "Okay, which one of
you assholes painted my horse's balls yellow?"
A mean 6'8" gunfighter walks up and say, "I did."
"Oh," the cowboy swallowed. "I just wanted you to know
that the first coat is dry."
ddddd
Betty and Rose were talking about their sex lives and Betty said that
her new boyfriend always wants to perform cunnilingus, all the time.
"Wow," said Rose, "You are really lucky, but if you want to prevent him
from doing that, just rub a little garlic down there."
Betty said, "I tried that already, and the next night he came to bed with some bread, olive oil, and a head of lettuce."
The Sponge
A woman took her young son with her into the shower for the first time. Naturally, he wanted to know why she didn't have a dick, and what the fuzzy thing she had instead was.
"Oh, that's my sponge." she replied with embarrassment. To save her from any more red faces, she made sure he only saw her when she was wearing panties. "Mummy, where's your sponge?" the kid asked one day. "Oh, I've lost it." she lied. A few months later she was washing up when the kid came running in, all excited. "Mummy, Mummy, I've found your sponge. You know the sponge you lost." The kid squealed. "The lady next door is wiping Daddy's face with it!"
«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»
MASTURBATION ... A solo played on a private organ.
Platonic Relationship:
What develops after two good friends are tired of fucking each other.
«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»
A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man
noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner's
toes would rise. Later that night, while going at it pretty
hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still.
Confused, he asked, "Why is it that when we do it in bed, your
toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't?"
"Silly," she replied, "I take my pantyhose off in the shower!"
«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»
This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the doctor. "Doctor I think I have the crabs." "When was the last time you had sex?" The doctor asks. "I have never had sex. I'm still a virgin." she replied. The doctor thought this was very strange so he told her to get on the table and he would examine her. After the examination he said, "I have some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you don't have the crabs. The
bad news is you've got fruit flies. Your cherry rotted."
«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»
The new husband and his bride were in bed, when the husband says, "Honey, anytime you wake up and want to have sex, you don't have to say a word, just reach over and pull my dick a couple of times," "And if I don't want sex?"
"Pull on it forty or fifty times," the husband said.
Q: What do you call a fag that doesn't have aids?
A: A lucky cocksucker.
Q: What did one gerbil say to the other when they saw the faggot
….swish into the pet store?
A: "Don't panic! Just turn your back and act like a dog!"
Q: Did you know 70% of the faggot population were born that way?
A: The other 30% were sucked into it.
Two faggots are living together. Bruce goes out to work while Cyril
stays at home everyday to do the housework.
One day Bruce comes home and finds Cyril with his bum in the fridge.
"What are you doing Cyril?" he asks, to which Cyril replies, "Oh Bruce, I thought you might like something nice and cool to slip into when you came home."
Two fags were walking down the street and passed a handsome guy. One
fag turned to the other and said, "See that stud there, Steve?"
"Sure."
"Well, let me tell you, he's a tremendous fuck!"
"No shit?" Steve asked.
"Well, hardly any."
@@@
These poofs were sitting in a spa, and generally enjoying the spa bubbles,
when a great stinking wad of semen rises to the surface. The first poof looks
straight at the second one and said "DID YOU?", to which the other replied "No" and so he looked at the third one and said "DID YOU?" to which the other replied. "No" so he looked at the fourth one and said "DID YOU?" to which the other replied "No". The first one looked at the other three once more and yelled "OK! Who the fuck Farted?"
A faggot visited his bum buddy in the hospital. "What did they do?" he asked his pillow biting boyfriend lying in the bed.
"They removed my tonsils, pulled out my teeth, and cut out my hemorrhoids."
"My God," gasped the poo bandit. "A complete hysterectomy!"
Q: How do faggots spell relief?
A: N-O-A-I-D-S.
Q: Hear about the new gay sitcom?
A: "Leave it, it's Beaver."
Q: Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
A: He found a hare up his ass.
Q: What does AIDS stand for?
A: Arsehole Injected Death Sentence!
Two gays got into a heated argument, with one of them saying, "Well, you
can kiss my ass!"
The other one blurted out, "This is no time to talk about romance,
Bitch!"
There was an auto race from San Francisco to Miami between a car
load of fags and a car load of lesbians. Who arrived in Miami first?
The lesbians did. They "headed" down highway 69 doing lickitty split
while the fags were still in San Francisco packing their shit!
A woman took her young son with her into the shower for the first time. Naturally, he wanted to know why she didn't have a dick, and what the fuzzy thing she had instead was.
"Oh, that's my sponge." she replied with embarrassment. To save her from any more red faces, she made sure he only saw her when she was wearing panties. "Mummy, where's your sponge?" the kid asked one day. "Oh, I've lost it." she lied. A few months later she was washing up when the kid came running in, all excited. "Mummy, Mummy, I've found your sponge. You know the sponge you lost." The kid squealed. "The lady next door is wiping Daddy's face with it!"
«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»
MASTURBATION ... A solo played on a private organ.
Platonic Relationship:
What develops after two good friends are tired of fucking each other.
«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»
A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man
noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner's
toes would rise. Later that night, while going at it pretty
hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still.
Confused, he asked, "Why is it that when we do it in bed, your
toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't?"
"Silly," she replied, "I take my pantyhose off in the shower!"
«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»
This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the doctor. "Doctor I think I have the crabs." "When was the last time you had sex?" The doctor asks. "I have never had sex. I'm still a virgin." she replied. The doctor thought this was very strange so he told her to get on the table and he would examine her. After the examination he said, "I have some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you don't have the crabs. The
bad news is you've got fruit flies. Your cherry rotted."
«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»
The new husband and his bride were in bed, when the husband says, "Honey, anytime you wake up and want to have sex, you don't have to say a word, just reach over and pull my dick a couple of times," "And if I don't want sex?"
"Pull on it forty or fifty times," the husband said.
Q: What do you call a fag that doesn't have aids?
A: A lucky cocksucker.
Q: What did one gerbil say to the other when they saw the faggot
….swish into the pet store?
A: "Don't panic! Just turn your back and act like a dog!"
Q: Did you know 70% of the faggot population were born that way?
A: The other 30% were sucked into it.
Two faggots are living together. Bruce goes out to work while Cyril
stays at home everyday to do the housework.
One day Bruce comes home and finds Cyril with his bum in the fridge.
"What are you doing Cyril?" he asks, to which Cyril replies, "Oh Bruce, I thought you might like something nice and cool to slip into when you came home."
Two fags were walking down the street and passed a handsome guy. One
fag turned to the other and said, "See that stud there, Steve?"
"Sure."
"Well, let me tell you, he's a tremendous fuck!"
"No shit?" Steve asked.
"Well, hardly any."
@@@
These poofs were sitting in a spa, and generally enjoying the spa bubbles,
when a great stinking wad of semen rises to the surface. The first poof looks
straight at the second one and said "DID YOU?", to which the other replied "No" and so he looked at the third one and said "DID YOU?" to which the other replied. "No" so he looked at the fourth one and said "DID YOU?" to which the other replied "No". The first one looked at the other three once more and yelled "OK! Who the fuck Farted?"
A faggot visited his bum buddy in the hospital. "What did they do?" he asked his pillow biting boyfriend lying in the bed.
"They removed my tonsils, pulled out my teeth, and cut out my hemorrhoids."
"My God," gasped the poo bandit. "A complete hysterectomy!"
Q: How do faggots spell relief?
A: N-O-A-I-D-S.
Q: Hear about the new gay sitcom?
A: "Leave it, it's Beaver."
Q: Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
A: He found a hare up his ass.
Q: What does AIDS stand for?
A: Arsehole Injected Death Sentence!
Two gays got into a heated argument, with one of them saying, "Well, you
can kiss my ass!"
The other one blurted out, "This is no time to talk about romance,
Bitch!"
There was an auto race from San Francisco to Miami between a car
load of fags and a car load of lesbians. Who arrived in Miami first?
The lesbians did. They "headed" down highway 69 doing lickitty split
while the fags were still in San Francisco packing their shit!
First Sexual Encounter
I was just laying around reminiscing the other day, bored by the
continuing rain, when out of the blue I remembered my first sexual
encounter. I was about 15 or 16 and in a Catholic all boys high school
and had a date with what the rest of the basketball team had described
as a sure thing.
-
After being harangued, reminded and constantly lectured about the evils
of sin, sex and fallen women, by the good Brothers, I decided that I had
better get some protection for my anticipated first decent into the
depths of sex, sin and who knew what other tempting depravities.
-
So I went to a local corner drug store in another neighborhood, to buy a
package of condoms, so I wouldn't be recognized, and have, god forbid,
someone tell my parents.
-
After I was at the druggist's counter, in the back of the store, where
the older guys told us they stocked the rubbers under the counter, I was
shocked to have a beautiful older woman come out of the back room to the
counter. I blurted out my request and it was quite obvious that I was
new at it. -
-
She handed me the package, smiled and asked, if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly had some trouble managing to stutter out a "No."
-
So the lovely lady, who seemed to be enjoying my obvious discomfort,
unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She
cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still
looked confused and was obviously very red faced too. So she looked
around the store and seeing that It was empty, She said," "Just a
minute." And walked to the door, and locked it.
-
Taking me by the hand, she led me into the back room, proceeded to
unbuttoned her blouse and remove it. She unhooked her bra and laid it
aside. and to my utter amazement, asked, "Do these excite you?"
-
I was so dumb-struck, mesmerized, breathless and aroused that all I
could do was manage to nod my head quite vigorously, in the affirmative.
-
She then said, it was time for me to slip the condom on and as I was
slipping it on, she was busy dropping her skirt, removed her panties and
was laying down on a desk.
-
"Well , come on", she said, "We don't have much time." So I hesitantly
climbed on top of her, and she took care of the rest. It was so wildly
wonderful, much more exciting than any of the thrill rides that came to
town with traveling carnivals. But unfortunately, I could no longer hold
back and pow, I was done and my ride was over within a few minutes.
-
She looked at me with a questioning frown. and asked, "Did you put that
condom on?"
-
Grinning from ear to ear, quite happy with my swift passage from virgin
to an experienced man of the world, pulling up my pants, I said, "I sure
did." -
-
And proudly held up my thumb to show her.
A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased some
refreshments and showed his date to her seat.
Soon after the onscreen action started, she put her hand on the
man's lap. Looking over at him, she remarked: "I see this is
getting you excited, too. But how come it's so cold?"
"Because you're jerking off my popsicle!" the man replied.
I was just laying around reminiscing the other day, bored by the
continuing rain, when out of the blue I remembered my first sexual
encounter. I was about 15 or 16 and in a Catholic all boys high school
and had a date with what the rest of the basketball team had described
as a sure thing.
-
After being harangued, reminded and constantly lectured about the evils
of sin, sex and fallen women, by the good Brothers, I decided that I had
better get some protection for my anticipated first decent into the
depths of sex, sin and who knew what other tempting depravities.
-
So I went to a local corner drug store in another neighborhood, to buy a
package of condoms, so I wouldn't be recognized, and have, god forbid,
someone tell my parents.
-
After I was at the druggist's counter, in the back of the store, where
the older guys told us they stocked the rubbers under the counter, I was
shocked to have a beautiful older woman come out of the back room to the
counter. I blurted out my request and it was quite obvious that I was
new at it. -
-
She handed me the package, smiled and asked, if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly had some trouble managing to stutter out a "No."
-
So the lovely lady, who seemed to be enjoying my obvious discomfort,
unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She
cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still
looked confused and was obviously very red faced too. So she looked
around the store and seeing that It was empty, She said," "Just a
minute." And walked to the door, and locked it.
-
Taking me by the hand, she led me into the back room, proceeded to
unbuttoned her blouse and remove it. She unhooked her bra and laid it
aside. and to my utter amazement, asked, "Do these excite you?"
-
I was so dumb-struck, mesmerized, breathless and aroused that all I
could do was manage to nod my head quite vigorously, in the affirmative.
-
She then said, it was time for me to slip the condom on and as I was
slipping it on, she was busy dropping her skirt, removed her panties and
was laying down on a desk.
-
"Well , come on", she said, "We don't have much time." So I hesitantly
climbed on top of her, and she took care of the rest. It was so wildly
wonderful, much more exciting than any of the thrill rides that came to
town with traveling carnivals. But unfortunately, I could no longer hold
back and pow, I was done and my ride was over within a few minutes.
-
She looked at me with a questioning frown. and asked, "Did you put that
condom on?"
-
Grinning from ear to ear, quite happy with my swift passage from virgin
to an experienced man of the world, pulling up my pants, I said, "I sure
did." -
-
And proudly held up my thumb to show her.
A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased some
refreshments and showed his date to her seat.
Soon after the onscreen action started, she put her hand on the
man's lap. Looking over at him, she remarked: "I see this is
getting you excited, too. But how come it's so cold?"
"Because you're jerking off my popsicle!" the man replied.
Cartoon Characters Q's & A's
Q. Why was Snow White kicked out of Disney Land?
A. She kept sitting on Pinnochio's face and saying 'Lie you bastard,
lie!'
Q. What's red and has seven dents in it?
A. Snow White's cherry.
Q. Did you hear the sad news that all of the California raisins are
dead?
A. All the police know so far is that it is a cereal killer...
Q. What do you get when a Unicorn is run over by a Mac truck?
A. "Creamed" corn.
Q. What do you call the best student at Unicorn school?
A. The "A"corn.
Q. What do Unicorns call their father?
A. "Pop" corn.
Q. What do Unicorns use for money?
A. Corn "Bread."
Q. Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
A. "t'da dump, t'da dump, t'da dump dump dump."
Q. What's big, savage, and goes "shhhhhhhhhhhhh".
A. Conan the Librarian.
Q How did Capt. Hook die?
A. Jock itch!
Q. Have you heard of the 'Divorce Barbie'?
A. She comes with all of Kens stuff...
Q. How do we know the Cinderella story was written by a woman?
A. Because if it was written by a guy, the prince woulda fucked her til
12 and then she would have turned into a pizza.
Q. Did you hear that the Energizer Bunny died?
A. Somebody put his batteries in backward, and he kept coming, and
coming, and coming...........
Q. What did pinochio say to his girlfriend????
A. Sit on my face and i'll tell you some lies..!!...
Q. Do you know how they make baby smurfs?
A. They smuck.
Q. What is "smore play"?
A. It's what smurfs do before they smuck!!!
Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him.
Q. What do you have when you have a green ball in each hand?
A. Kermit's undivided attention!
Q. What do you call Miss Piggy's douche?
A. "Hog wash!"
Q. What did Miss Piggy say when Gonzo called her?
A. "I can't talk right now - I've got a frog in my throat."
=====
There once was a girl they called Trish
Who was quite a delectable dish
Men savored her lips
Then brought bags of chips
For her pussy smelt strongly of fish
Q. Why was Snow White kicked out of Disney Land?
A. She kept sitting on Pinnochio's face and saying 'Lie you bastard,
lie!'
Q. What's red and has seven dents in it?
A. Snow White's cherry.
Q. Did you hear the sad news that all of the California raisins are
dead?
A. All the police know so far is that it is a cereal killer...
Q. What do you get when a Unicorn is run over by a Mac truck?
A. "Creamed" corn.
Q. What do you call the best student at Unicorn school?
A. The "A"corn.
Q. What do Unicorns call their father?
A. "Pop" corn.
Q. What do Unicorns use for money?
A. Corn "Bread."
Q. Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
A. "t'da dump, t'da dump, t'da dump dump dump."
Q. What's big, savage, and goes "shhhhhhhhhhhhh".
A. Conan the Librarian.
Q How did Capt. Hook die?
A. Jock itch!
Q. Have you heard of the 'Divorce Barbie'?
A. She comes with all of Kens stuff...
Q. How do we know the Cinderella story was written by a woman?
A. Because if it was written by a guy, the prince woulda fucked her til
12 and then she would have turned into a pizza.
Q. Did you hear that the Energizer Bunny died?
A. Somebody put his batteries in backward, and he kept coming, and
coming, and coming...........
Q. What did pinochio say to his girlfriend????
A. Sit on my face and i'll tell you some lies..!!...
Q. Do you know how they make baby smurfs?
A. They smuck.
Q. What is "smore play"?
A. It's what smurfs do before they smuck!!!
Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him.
Q. What do you have when you have a green ball in each hand?
A. Kermit's undivided attention!
Q. What do you call Miss Piggy's douche?
A. "Hog wash!"
Q. What did Miss Piggy say when Gonzo called her?
A. "I can't talk right now - I've got a frog in my throat."
=====
There once was a girl they called Trish
Who was quite a delectable dish
Men savored her lips
Then brought bags of chips
For her pussy smelt strongly of fish
A fellow went to his doctor complaining that his asshole
was feeling terribly sore. The doctor asked him to drop
his drawers and bend over so he could take a look.
"It's amazing!" the doctor said, as he pulled a $20 bill
from the fellow's anus. Another $20 bill appeared behind
the first one, so the doctor pulled it out, too.
And then another! And another! And many more.
Finally, the doctor had pulled the whole pile of $20 bills
from the fellow's ass, and began to count it. (I sure hope
that the doctor doesn't lick his thumb when he counts money)
The doctor mentioned, "There was $1980 stuck in your anus!"
And the fellow replied, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand!"
88888
In my study of Human Nature there is only one universal truth
about men that I have found...
....Gay or straight... they all want blow-jobs.
88888
"Mom, I'm pregnant," announced a teen.
"How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?" asked her mom. "That I
should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and went with
the biggest."
88888
There was an old maid from Luck,
Who took it into her head to fuck.
She was about to resign
'Till she hung out a sign:
"Come in, I've decided to suck."
88888
A little boy wearing a cowboy hat and toy sixguns walked into
an ice cream store and asked for a banana split. The girl waiting on
him said, "OK, would you like your nuts crushed?"
"Fuck no, lady! How would you like your tits shot off?"
was feeling terribly sore. The doctor asked him to drop
his drawers and bend over so he could take a look.
"It's amazing!" the doctor said, as he pulled a $20 bill
from the fellow's anus. Another $20 bill appeared behind
the first one, so the doctor pulled it out, too.
And then another! And another! And many more.
Finally, the doctor had pulled the whole pile of $20 bills
from the fellow's ass, and began to count it. (I sure hope
that the doctor doesn't lick his thumb when he counts money)
The doctor mentioned, "There was $1980 stuck in your anus!"
And the fellow replied, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand!"
88888
In my study of Human Nature there is only one universal truth
about men that I have found...
....Gay or straight... they all want blow-jobs.
88888
"Mom, I'm pregnant," announced a teen.
"How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?" asked her mom. "That I
should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and went with
the biggest."
88888
There was an old maid from Luck,
Who took it into her head to fuck.
She was about to resign
'Till she hung out a sign:
"Come in, I've decided to suck."
88888
A little boy wearing a cowboy hat and toy sixguns walked into
an ice cream store and asked for a banana split. The girl waiting on
him said, "OK, would you like your nuts crushed?"
"Fuck no, lady! How would you like your tits shot off?"
Two morticians are sitting around at the end of the day:
"Did you see that cute redhead they brought in yesterday?"
"Yeah, she was really something!"
"Did you see the clit on that girl?"
"Yeah, it was like a pickle!"
"Well, it wasn't that big . . ."
"No, but it was that sour!"
This teenager shares a room with his kid brother -- he's got the upper bunk and the kid has the lower bunk. One night the teenager sneaks a girl into the bedroom and begins fucking her in the top bunk. She starts getting loud, so worried, he whispers: "Look, don't be going 'harder,' 'deeper,' my brother might hear and tell on us. If you want it harder say 'tomatoes,' and if you want it deeper say 'lettuce.'" So they're going at it hot and heavy and she's screaming "LETTUCE!" "TOMATOES!" "LETTUCE."
Next morning, the kid says to his brother "Hey, next time you make sandwiches in the bedroom, be more careful -- last night you dripped mayonnaise all over me!
Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. Push it aside and keep on eating...
Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
A. I feel like a kid again!
This guy only had $5.00, but he just had to have some sex, so he went
to the whore house & asked what he could get for $5.00. The madam
said she didn't have anything, but the guy insisted he HAD to get laid.
She finally felt sorry for the poor bastard, so she took him up to a
really old lady who cleans up the place , and said he could have her for
$5.00. They started getting it on, but it was really dry & rough. After a
while, however, it got _really_ moist & smooth. He finally exploded, and
they started talking about it.
He told her how rough it was to start, but how GREAT it got, & that it
was the best he'd ever had, once things started moving!
She said, "Yea, I know what you mean, once all those blisters popped,
it really felt great for me too!"
"Did you see that cute redhead they brought in yesterday?"
"Yeah, she was really something!"
"Did you see the clit on that girl?"
"Yeah, it was like a pickle!"
"Well, it wasn't that big . . ."
"No, but it was that sour!"
This teenager shares a room with his kid brother -- he's got the upper bunk and the kid has the lower bunk. One night the teenager sneaks a girl into the bedroom and begins fucking her in the top bunk. She starts getting loud, so worried, he whispers: "Look, don't be going 'harder,' 'deeper,' my brother might hear and tell on us. If you want it harder say 'tomatoes,' and if you want it deeper say 'lettuce.'" So they're going at it hot and heavy and she's screaming "LETTUCE!" "TOMATOES!" "LETTUCE."
Next morning, the kid says to his brother "Hey, next time you make sandwiches in the bedroom, be more careful -- last night you dripped mayonnaise all over me!
Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. Push it aside and keep on eating...
Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
A. I feel like a kid again!
This guy only had $5.00, but he just had to have some sex, so he went
to the whore house & asked what he could get for $5.00. The madam
said she didn't have anything, but the guy insisted he HAD to get laid.
She finally felt sorry for the poor bastard, so she took him up to a
really old lady who cleans up the place , and said he could have her for
$5.00. They started getting it on, but it was really dry & rough. After a
while, however, it got _really_ moist & smooth. He finally exploded, and
they started talking about it.
He told her how rough it was to start, but how GREAT it got, & that it
was the best he'd ever had, once things started moving!
She said, "Yea, I know what you mean, once all those blisters popped,
it really felt great for me too!"
"Barbender, Barbender"
A very drunk lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy." The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.
"Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."
Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray."
`````
Q: What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
A: They both get loaded from the rear and go Woo-Whoo!
Q: What do Michael and homework have in common?
A: Both are a pain in the ass to kids
`````
This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside. The blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?" The guy says, "Yea, he licks pussy." So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment. They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all. the blond says, "Well? what's up?" The frog still does not move. So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
`````
A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".
Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".
She turns to him smiles, grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother".
`````
Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."
"Listen Honey," drawled the lady, "If you can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested."
A very drunk lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy." The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.
"Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."
Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray."
`````
Q: What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
A: They both get loaded from the rear and go Woo-Whoo!
Q: What do Michael and homework have in common?
A: Both are a pain in the ass to kids
`````
This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside. The blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?" The guy says, "Yea, he licks pussy." So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment. They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all. the blond says, "Well? what's up?" The frog still does not move. So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
`````
A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".
Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".
She turns to him smiles, grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother".
`````
Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."
"Listen Honey," drawled the lady, "If you can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested."
Dictionary Of New Slang.
*AEROPLANE BLONDE: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
*AUSSIE KISS: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
*BADLY PACKED KEBAB: A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.
*BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
*BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
*BEER SCOOTER: The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it i.e." I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".
*BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch
*BREAKING THE SEAL: Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
*BRITNEY SPEARS: Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britney's please"
*BRUCE LEE: Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).
*BUDGIE'S TONGUE: The female erection.
*DOUBLE-BASS: A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. (The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.)
*ETCH-A-SKETCH: Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.
*GOING FOR A MCSHIT: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.
*GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
*HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT: A vigorous masturbation session.
*JOHNNY-NO-STARS: A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
*MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually f-all in there worth seeing.
*MONKEY BATH: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa! Aa!Aa!".
*MUMBLER: An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. I. e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
*MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
*MYSTERY TAXI: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
*NELSON MANDELA: Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
*PEARL HARBOUR: Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbor" out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)
*PICASSO ARSE: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
*SALAD DODGER: An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
*SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die
*SWAMP-DONKEY: A deeply unattractive woman.
*TART FUEL: Bottled Alco pops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.
*TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around and talking bullocks
*TITANIC: A lady who goes down first time out.
*TODGER DODGER: A lesbian.
*UP ON BLOCKS: Menstruating i. e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage.
e. g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".
*WANK SEANCE: During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.
*AEROPLANE BLONDE: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
*AUSSIE KISS: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
*BADLY PACKED KEBAB: A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.
*BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
*BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
*BEER SCOOTER: The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it i.e." I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".
*BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch
*BREAKING THE SEAL: Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
*BRITNEY SPEARS: Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britney's please"
*BRUCE LEE: Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).
*BUDGIE'S TONGUE: The female erection.
*DOUBLE-BASS: A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. (The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.)
*ETCH-A-SKETCH: Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.
*GOING FOR A MCSHIT: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.
*GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
*HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT: A vigorous masturbation session.
*JOHNNY-NO-STARS: A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
*MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually f-all in there worth seeing.
*MONKEY BATH: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa! Aa!Aa!".
*MUMBLER: An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. I. e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
*MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
*MYSTERY TAXI: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
*NELSON MANDELA: Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
*PEARL HARBOUR: Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbor" out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)
*PICASSO ARSE: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
*SALAD DODGER: An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
*SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die
*SWAMP-DONKEY: A deeply unattractive woman.
*TART FUEL: Bottled Alco pops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.
*TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around and talking bullocks
*TITANIC: A lady who goes down first time out.
*TODGER DODGER: A lesbian.
*UP ON BLOCKS: Menstruating i. e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage.
e. g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".
*WANK SEANCE: During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.
Training Courses For Women
Women think they already know everything, but wait... training courses are now available for women in the following subjects:
*Silence, The Final Frontier: Where no woman has gone before.
*The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making deposits.
*Parties: Going without new outfits.
*Man Management: Minor household chores can wait till after the game.
*Bathroom Etiquette 1: Men need space in the bathroom cabinet too.
*Bathroom Etiquette 2: His razor is his.
*Communication Skills 1: Tears - the last resort, not the first.
*Communication Skills 2: Thinking before speaking.
*Communication Skills 3: Getting what you want without nagging.
*Driving A Car Safely: A skill you can acquire.
*Telephone Skills: How to hang up.
*Advanced Parking: Backing into a space.
*Water Retention: Fact or fat.
*Cooking 1: Bringing back bacon, eggs and butter.
*Cooking 2: Bran and tofu are not for human consumption.
*Cooking 3: How not to inflict your diets on other people.
*Compliments: Accepting them gracefully.
*PMS: Your problem... not his.
*Dancing: Why men don't like to.
*Classic Clothing: Wearing outfits you already have.
*Household Dust: A harmless natural occurrence only women notice.
*Integrating Your Laundry: Washing it all together.
*Oil and Gas: Your car needs both.
*TV Remotes: For men only.
*~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~*
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. " Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
Women think they already know everything, but wait... training courses are now available for women in the following subjects:
*Silence, The Final Frontier: Where no woman has gone before.
*The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making deposits.
*Parties: Going without new outfits.
*Man Management: Minor household chores can wait till after the game.
*Bathroom Etiquette 1: Men need space in the bathroom cabinet too.
*Bathroom Etiquette 2: His razor is his.
*Communication Skills 1: Tears - the last resort, not the first.
*Communication Skills 2: Thinking before speaking.
*Communication Skills 3: Getting what you want without nagging.
*Driving A Car Safely: A skill you can acquire.
*Telephone Skills: How to hang up.
*Advanced Parking: Backing into a space.
*Water Retention: Fact or fat.
*Cooking 1: Bringing back bacon, eggs and butter.
*Cooking 2: Bran and tofu are not for human consumption.
*Cooking 3: How not to inflict your diets on other people.
*Compliments: Accepting them gracefully.
*PMS: Your problem... not his.
*Dancing: Why men don't like to.
*Classic Clothing: Wearing outfits you already have.
*Household Dust: A harmless natural occurrence only women notice.
*Integrating Your Laundry: Washing it all together.
*Oil and Gas: Your car needs both.
*TV Remotes: For men only.
*~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~*
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. " Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
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