JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Coors Beer

A bartender was working the late shift. While he was working, a beautiful blonde woman walked in and took a seat at the bar.

She ordered up a Coors and sat there drinking for a while. Suddenly, the woman passed out cold on the stool.

The bartender had a sudden thought, and so he cautiously looked around.
Seeing that no one was around, he closed up the bar, and took advantage of the situation.

The next night, the bartender was, again, working the late shift, but some of his friends stopped by, so he told them about the previous night and his good time with the blonde woman.

All of a sudden, the blonde walks in again. The bartender motions to his friends that she is the same lady.

The blonde sits down at the bar and orders another Coors. Eventually, she passes out. The bartender closes up shop, and him and all his friends take their turns.

The next night, the bartender is working the late shift. His friends show up, with all of their friends, and so there is a huge crowd in the bar.
The woman walks in again, orders a Coors, drinks it, and then passes out. So, the bartender closes up shop, and everyone has a turn.

The next night, even more people are waiting at the bar. The woman walks in and orders a Budweiser.

The bartender, his plans foiled, asks, "You don't want the usual?"

She looks at him for a minute and shakes her head. "No. Coors makes my pussy sore!"

Little Johnny came home from his hot date and sat down to talk with his dad. He had a
smile on his face. 'It must be true love, dad' he sighed.
'What makes you think that it is true love?' asks his dad.
'Well," says Little Johnny, 'Suzy started out giving me the best blow job I've ever had.'
'Nah,' replied his dad, 'that's not true love, it is just lust.'
The next night Little Johnny came in after his date, and sat down again to talk with his dad.
'For sure it is true love, dad.' he said.
'What makes you think that it is true love this time?' asks his dad.
'Well," says Little Johnny, 'Tonight Suzy gave me the best blow job of my life, then let me take her up the ass!'
'That's not true love, Johnny,' replied his dad, 'that is just infatuation.'
'If what Suzy and I have is just infatuation, then what is true love?' asked Little Johnny, confused.
'Well,' says his dad, 'if it was true love, she would let you fuck her up the ass first,
then give you the best blow job of your life!'

 

[melody]

Helping Couples

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy
in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he
felt he could not help them.

The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough
physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then
concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.

"On your way home from my office, stop at the grocery store and
buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your
clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you
make a bull's-eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and
knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape
using only your tongue.

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across
the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer
around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him
and consume the doughnut."

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more
wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Potter that they should see
the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Potters and said he would
not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he
conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Potters the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I
will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as
it will ever be. I cannot help.

"The Potters pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends
the Browns, now please, please help us."

"Well, all right," the doctor said. "On your way home from the
office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box
of cheerios..."
::::::::::
Do you know what happened this month back in 1850, in California?
California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like California today except the women
had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

 

[melody]

Dr. Chang

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had
a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might
have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the
medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well
known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "Ok, take
off all you crose." The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of
room."

The woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said,
"Ok, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem
vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see,
dat why you not haf sex or dates"

Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is
Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, "Ed
Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike
your ass."

*~»§«~*~» P «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~» P «~*~»§«~*

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold,
blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are
freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat
will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold."

The daughter replied, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."

The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the
daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter replied,
"Put it between my legs. It will warm up."

He did, and his nose warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and
he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and
she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask ?"

The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw
out!"

 

[melody]

Phunnie Chit

How To Bathe A Cat
Please forward to cat lovers everywhere who, like myself, are very concerned about their hygiene.
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The DOG

+++++

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an
apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there it
was too late, the man had died. While consoling the wife one of the
rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what
symptoms the
man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.
The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started
moaning and groaning and thrashing around the bed,
panting and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he
was going."

+++++

A woman walks into the dentist's office, takes off her
underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs
wide open.
"You must have made a mistake," says the shocked
dentist, "the gynecologist's office is one level
higher."
To that the woman replies, "No mistake, you installed
my husbands dentures last week, now you'll be the one
getting them out."

 

[melody]

A Sex Test For Rednecks

Answer the following questions with either True or False.

1. A menstrual cycle has three wheels....True or False.

2. Asphalt describes rectal problems....True or False.

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.... True or False.

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack....True or False.

5. The clitoris is a type of flower....True or False.

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle....True or False.

7. Semen is a term for sailors....True or False.

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly....True or False.

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus....True or False.

10. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit....True or False.

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Tulsa....True or False.

12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish....True or False.

13. Coitus is a musical instrument....True or False.

14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke....True or False.

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute....True or False.

16. A condom is a large apartment complex....True or False.

17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir....True or False.

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry....True or False.

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle....True or False.

20. An erection is when Japanese people vote....True or False.

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East....True or False.

22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass....True or False.

23. Pornography is the business of making records....True or False.

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin....True or False.

25. Douche is the French word for "twelve"....True or False.
_______________

One day a 5th grade class was taking a field trip but the weather
was extremely bad and the trip was to be delayed and they had to
stay in a hotel for the night. So Little Johnny was sleeping in the
same room as his teacher.

In the middle of the night the teacher woke up and was frightened by
the sight of Johnny standing right over her.

He asked if he could sleep with her cause he couldn't sleep.

She said okay, then Johnny asked to lay a little closer and she said
okay.

Then he asked if he could put his finger in her belly button and she
said "NO"

"But my mommy lets me do it when I can't sleep and it helps."

So the teacher says, "Okay fine, do whatever your mom lets you do."

A few minutes later the teacher says "OH. that's not my
bellybutton."

And Johnny says, "that's not my finger."

 

[melody]

Performance Evaluations

These are allegedly actual quotes taken from Federal Government
employee performance evaluations, some old and some new.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has
started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other
one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out
looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

A Poem For Us....

I shave my legs,
I sit down to pee.
And I can justify
any shopping spree.

Don't go to a barber,
but a beauty salon.
I can get a massage
without a hard-on.

I can balance the checkbook,
I can pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends,
about the size of my ass.

My beauty's a masterpiece,
and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit,
to others when I'm wrong.

I don't drive in circles,
at any cost.
And I don't have a problem,
admitting I'm lost.

I never forget,
an important date.
You just gotta deal with it,
I'm usually late.

I don't watch movies,
with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay,
to remember the score.

I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch.
And just cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch.

Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her.
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!

Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's best.
Look at me you idiot...
Not at my chest????

I don't have a problem,
With Expressing my feelings.
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling.

DON'T call me a GIRL ,
a BABE or a CHICK .

I am a WOMAN.

Get it, DICK?

:":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":"

In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or legs
called Philip. One day after school, Johnny goes round his house and knocks
on the door. Philip's mother answers the door, and says, "Yes Johnny, what
can I do for you?"
"Can Philip come out? - we're all skipping in the park"
Philip's mum says, "But Johnny, you know he's got no arms or legs."
"Yeah, I know," says little Johnny, "I just want to see his stumps bleed."

---------- Post added at 05:58 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 11:58 AM ----------

Confucius Says...

Confucius says:

'Passionate kiss, like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.'

'Virginity like bubble. One prick and all gone.'

'Man who run in front of car get tired.'

'Man who run behind car get exhausted.'

'Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.'

'Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.'

'Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.'

'Man who scratches arse must not bite fingernails.'

'Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.'

'Baseball all wrong. Man with four balls not able to walk.'

'Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.'

‘War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.'

'Man who sleep in cathouse by day sleep in doghouse by night.'

'Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.'

'It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.'

'Man who drive like hell bound to get there.'

‘Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.'

'Man who lives in glasshouse should change in basement.'

‘He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.'

'Man who farts in church sits in own pew.'

'Man with one chopstick go hungry.'

'He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.'

'He who masturbates in front of cash register come into money.'

'He who eat too many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.'

'He who eat cookie in bed, will wake up feeling crumby.'

'He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.'

'He who put face in punch bowl get punch in nose.'

'He who stick head in open window get pane in neck.'

'He who stick head in oven get baked bean.'

'Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs.'

 

[melody]

Invited For Dinner

A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he could
have a condom explaining that his girlfriend has invited him for dinner

and I think she is expecting something from me!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom; and as the young man is going out,

he returns and tells him: "Give me another condom because my
girlfriend's
sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative
manner when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom; and as the boy is leaving he
turns back and says: "After all, give me one more condom because my
girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always
makes allusions... and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is
expecting something from me!!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his
left,
the sister on his right and the mom facing him.

When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying:
"Dear Lord, bless this dinner... thank you for all you give us..!!!"
A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your
kindness..." Ten minutes go and the boy is still praying, keeping his
head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend
even more than the others. She gets close to the boy and tells him in
his ear: "I didn't know you were so religious!!!"

The boy replies: "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!!!"

#####

A Polish girl called up her druggist and asked him what she
could do for her boyfriend's dandruff. The druggist recommended
Head & Shoulders. She called back a week later and asked, "How do
you give someone shoulders?"

#####

Question: What's the difference between a young whore and an
old whore?
Answer: A young whore uses Vaseline and an old whore uses
Poli-Grip.

Question: Why should you wrap a hamster in electrician's
tape?
Answer: So it won't explode when you fuck it.

Question: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Answer: Full.

A fourteen-year-old boy from Bainbridge, Georgia, was making
love to his twelve-year-old sister. "Geez, Sis," he breathlessly
said, "you're almost as good as Maw!"
"Yeah," she gasps back, "that's what Paw said."

Q: What's worse than being pissed off?
A: Being pissed on.

Diary in a Health Club

If you read this without laughing out loud,
there is something wrong with you. This is
dedicated to every woman who ever attempted
to get into regular workout routine.

Dear Diary..
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my
husband (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club
for me. Although I am still in great shape
since playing on my high school softball team,
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations
with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who
identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and
swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started.

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.

Monday:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of
bed, but found it was well worth it when I
arrived at the health club to find Bruce
waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God
- with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
He took my pulse after five minutes on the
treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so
fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him
in his Lycra aerobic outfit.

I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he
conducted his aerobics class after my workout
today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as
I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time he was
around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally
made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my
back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then
he put weights on it! My legs were a little
wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.

Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying
on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my
mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long
as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on
top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my
screams bothered other club members. His voice
is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got
on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete
by elevators?

Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and
enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like
teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled
back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
half an hour late, it took me that long to tie
my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells.
When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's
room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment,
put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.

Friday:
I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being
has ever hated any other human being in the history
of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could
move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have
any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the < @*%23$>&*@*#$
barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the
sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum
laude from.)

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?

Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show
up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash
the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#&& Weather
Channel.

Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is
over. I will also pray that next year my husband
(the A**HOLE) will choose a gift for me that is fun
--like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

 

[melody]

Panties And Gloves

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's
birthday and as they had not been ****** very long, after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right
note.
Romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's
younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves.
The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During
the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the
gloves, and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the
contents, he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart
along with this note...

"Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
wearing any when we go out in the evening.
If it had not been for
your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she
wears short ones which are easy to remove.
These are a delicate
shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she was
wearing for the past weeks, and they were hardly soiled.
I had her
try yours on and she looked smart. I wish I was there to put them on
for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact
with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take
them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they
will be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will
kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them Friday
night.
All My Love,
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded
down with a little fur showing."
________

The naughty old bishop of Birmingham
buggered two boys whilst confirming 'em
as they knelt before god
he pulled out his rod
and pumped his Episcopal sperm in 'em

 

[melody]

Young Nuns And A Gorilla

Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in New York
City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo.
The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the bars,
lept to the ground and pumped her like crazy. Then he went back into his
cage,
straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest.
The young nun got up off the ground, straightened and dusted her
clothes, turned to her companion and said,"We shall never talk about
this, agreed?" The other young nun consented.
Twenty five years later the two nuns, who had stayed close friend, were
out having coffee, when all of the sudden, the second nun asked her
friend," I know I agreed never to talk about the event at the zoo but I
have one question."
The other nun stared and said,"O.K., one question!" The other nun
stammered, then asked, "Did it hurt?"
"Did it hurt? Oh yes it hurt! He never called..., he never
wrote..., he never sent flowers...!"
---------
One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love to his youngest
daughter. Yelling "You son of a bitch!" he shot the amorous salesman in
the groin with a .12-gauge shotgun.
The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a doctor. He
found one, but the physician took one look at the man's perforated
pecker and told him that nothing could be done for him.
"Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich man and
can pay you anything."
"Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do. However,
there's a man across the street who might be able to help."
"Oh? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman.
"No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you how to
hold it without pissing in your face."

 

[melody]

Signs You Might Be Gay

You wake up each morning and scratch someone else's balls.

You blow every paycheck on gerbils.

You get offended and/or turned on by the word "Fruit Loops."

Your fantasies include prison showers and dropped soap.

Anyone mentions "The Village People" and you think of your neighbors.

Your friends want to kill Richard Simmons. You'd rather paddle his cute
little ass.

You're best friends with the girl you took to your high school prom.

You think Pamela Anderson dresses nice.

You dress like Liberace on casual Fridays.

Your idea of "getting lucky" on the weekend is finding Ralph Lauren
sheets on sale.

You start to cry when your boss says you can't have the day off for your
birthday.

You don't know the score of the game last night, but you do remember
that the players had some of the roundest asses you've ever seen.

When someone asks you if you're a pitcher or a catcher, your first
thought isn't about baseball.

When you see a handsome police officer following you on the highway, you
speed up instead of slowing down.

You've wondered if Batman and Robin share a bedroom.

You noticed that Ricky Martin shaved his chest for his last video.

You're the one everyone turns to when they need someone to plan a
surprise party.

You can recite the next line of the following song: "The minute you
walked in the joint, I could see you were a man of distinction."

When viewing straight porn videos you watch the women give head and
think, "they're not doing that right."


The Last 10 Things Any Woman Would Ever Say

10. Could our relationship be more Physical? I'm tired of just being
friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that
way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit
are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.

Thor The Viking God Of Thunder

Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Odin were up in Valhalla,
when suddenly Thor said to Odin, "It's been a long time now. I really
need to have sex."

Odin stood and pondered for a while, before replying, "Go to Earth, O
Thor, and find thyself what they call a 'lady of joy' and treat her to
your manly pleasures."

And this Thor did. The next day, he came back up to see Odin, and told
him of the previous night's events. "My friend," he said, grinning from
ear to ear, "It was wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times.."

"37 times!" exclaimed Odin. "That poor woman! Mere mortals cannot endure
such treatment. You must go and apologize this instant!"

So Thor went back down to earth and found the aforementioned prostitute,
saying. "I'm sorry about last night, but you see, I'm Thor..."

"You're Thor?" shouted the girl. "You're Thor? What about me? I'm tho
thor I can hardly pith!"

_________________________________________________

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and,
after staring for some time at the only woman seated
at the bar, he walked over to her, placed his hand
up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry.
I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.

"That's funny," he muttered, "You even sound exactly like her."

 

[melody]

Different Kinds Of Boobs And Weenies


A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all
the different kind of boobs?"

Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if
we didn't. There are all kinds of breasts depending on a woman's age.

In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In
her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a
bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions, Dad?"

"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of
weenies are there?"

The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a
man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's weenie is
like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a
birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas
tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."
=====
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected
=====
Body Found

Today, police found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby.
They describe him as having a Beer Belly,
Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and a Small Dick.
I was just checking to make sure that you are okay.
=====
A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor.
She explains the problem to the doctor, who asks her to sit down.
He gets out his torch and says, "Open wide!"
"I can't," said the blonde, "The chair is fitted with arms!"
=====
An elderly Blonde Floridian called 911 on her cell phone
to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

 

[melody]

Marital Difficulties

John & Marsha were having marital difficulties, neither being able to satisfy the other sexually.

One day Marsha visited her friend Dorothy, who was quite a woman of the world, and casually mentioned the problem.

"It's not the first time I've heard of it," said Dorothy.

"You can go to all the doctors in the world and they can't help you. But there is a remedy."

For God's sake, Dorothy, tell me what it is!" exclaimed Marsha.

She said, "Well, since you insist, and against my better judgment, I will tell you. The only remedy is for John to eat it."

"Oh, no!" exclaimed Marsha, "He would never do that!"

Dorothy shrugged. "There you have it -- take it or leave it. You asked and I told you."

Driving home, Marsha prepared an unusually fine supper for John that night. When he returned from work he enjoyed it mightily, but wondered a bit about the reason for it.

"That was a great meal," he said. "Anything unusual happen today? Enjoy your visit with Dorothy?"

Marsha told John of Dorothy's suggestion.

"Absolutely not!" he exploded.

"I won't engage in such disgusting practices."

But Marsha urged and begged until finally John gave in.

"OK," he said. "I guess it won't hurt to try it once."

Marsha went up and got into bed, pulling the covers up to her neck.

When John arrived he surveyed the scene and tried to decide how to proceed. Finally he raised the covers at the foot of the bed and crawled under them.

Groping around until he located his target, with much hesitation, he undertook his task.

No sooner than he started, Marsha broke wind explosively.

Under the covers, a muffled voice was heard to say....

"Thank God for that breath of fresh air."
======
A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt, and was named "Amal." The other twin went to a family in Spain, and they named him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responded, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Farmer Johnson

It was around 8:00 on a Friday night. Farmer Johnson was sitting in his living room

listening to his radio when he heard a knock at his door. He stood up and answered the door. The young man standing there said "My name is Joe, I’m here for Flo we are going to the show is she ready to go?"

The farmer called his daughter down the stairs, and she and her date left.

A little while later another young man knocked at the door, and when the farmer answered the door, the young man said, "My name is Eddie, I'm here for Betty, and we’re going steady, is she ready?"

The farmer called his second daughter down the stairs, and she and her date left.

Not too long after that, another young man knocked at the door.

the farmer again answered the door. The young man standing there said, "My name is Chuck, and I drive a truck..."

Before the young man could say another word the farmer shot him dead on the spot.

***********
A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a rather large building; they were amazed by everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.
The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw."

************
One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started ****** girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

 

[melody]

Period Euphemisms

Sometimes a more discreet euphemism for "being on your period" is preferable, such as...

Miss Scarlett's Come Home to Tara

Trolling for Vampires

A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy

Saddling Old Rusty

Feelin' Menstru-riffic!

Clean-Up in Aisle One

Massacre at the Y

T-Minus 9 Months and Holding

Game Day for the Crimson Tide

Panty Shields Up, Captain!

Taking Carrie to the Prom

Playing Banjo in Sgt. Zygote's Ragtime Band

Ordering l'Omelette Rouge

Arts and Crafts Week at Panty Camp

Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System

Aunt Floe is visiting

4343434343

It was Elroy's first day in second grade.

When he came home his mama asks him how school was...

"How was school my boy?"

"It was nice mama - the teacher asked me to draw a cat and when I
did she give me a gold star - is it because I am Black?"

"No Elroy - its because you are so clever"

Next day Elroy comes home and mama asks him how school was...

"How was school Elroy?"

"The teacher asked me to draw a dog - and when I did she gave me
a gold star - Is it because I am black?"

"No Elroy - it is because you are so clever"

Third day - Elroy comes home from school

"How was school Elroy?"

"Mama - I am confused, today we were changing for sports. All the
white boys have these little pee pees and I have this huge
schlong - is it because I am black?

"No Elroy - it is because you are twenty-one"

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear Connie,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left,
I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded
little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one
to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come
crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that
my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't
miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who
makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we
let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says:
"There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts
of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.
two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me.
I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my
desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies
that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice-skating can give you.
I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass
that just wouldn't quit, every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the
couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've
made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a
perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case,
yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person?
Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie?
I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know,
maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a
half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel
so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her
slutty, shameless hunger, but something else; some nagging feeling of
loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel
the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?
Nothing feels the same without you. Oh, Connie, I'm just going crazy
without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember
Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well,
she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured
I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant
till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses
of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom.
And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything,
you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight
or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden,
she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts
it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And
it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking,
"Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old
vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order.
I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her
shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time.
She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general.
She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're
doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times.
Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is
think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just
about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole
anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you
about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between
us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's
cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart
you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all
the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the
same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me
know where the fucking remote is?
Love,
Dan

 

[melody]

How To Ask A Man To Do Something

Always remember these five important rules when asking a man
to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

1a. Then give him a Blow Job

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage
with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or
four hours, max.

3b. Then ... give him a Blow Job

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. A blow job will
usually do just fine. Or, offer to cook him something
that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his
remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and
microwave again for another 35 minutes. Or, threaten to
not give him a blow job.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or
"do as I say and no one will get hurt".

7. When all else fails ... Blow Job.

OK, seven rules.

How to Piss Off A Woman

Tie her to the bed, describe all the erotic things you plan to do. Then go bowling.

Ask her how she prepared a meal. If she wants to know why you want to know, say "So I don't make the same mistakes."

Tell her YOU have a headache, but you're willing to suffer with it through sex just to please her.

Imitate her having an orgasm while dining out.

Fake your own orgasm while dining out.

Tell her you've applied for the position of blowjob inspector at the nearest whorehouse.

After sex tell her the doctor assured you it isn't contagious. Then faint.

The New Hooker

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

She said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine".

"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.

She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much".

"So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either".

"Finally I said, well, how much do you have"?

The marine said that he only had $25.

The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand"

He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand..."

"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge, then what did you do?"

"I loaned him $75!" she said.


A study in Scotland showed that the kind of "male
face" a woman finds attractive can differ depending
on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is post-menstrual she may be
attracted to plain facial features.

When pre-menstrual she can be attracted to more
feminine features in a man.

If she is ovulating she is attracted to men with
rugged, masculine features, and if she is menstruating
she is more prone to be attracted to a man with a
pair of scissors shoved in his temple.

 

[melody]

Laws Of Reality

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become Coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll To the least accessible corner.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, You never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late For work because you had a flat tire, the very next Morning you will have a flat tire on the way to work.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), The one you were in will start to move faster than the One you are in then.

Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in Water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting Someone you know increases when you are with someone
You don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone That a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is Inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are Furthest from the aisle arrive last

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot Coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which Will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people In a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an Open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a Floor covering are directly correlated to the newness And cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you Are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you Don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 

[melody]

Writing Home the Easy Way

Date: ___________

Dear Parent(s),
I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us.
Please send:
__ Money (Cash)! Amount: $_______
__ Food (Cookies)! Dozens: ________
__ Clean clothes!
Relationships:
__ What?
__ I am in love with myself
__ I am in love!
__ I am engaged
__ I got married last weekend
My Roommate:
__ Worships the ground I walk on
__ Gave me a black eye
__ Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason
__ Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed ???
__ Has fleas
My Professors are:
__ Sadistic water walkers
__ Mental institution escapees
__ Brain dead nerds
__ Super oxygen thieves
Latest News:
__ I wrecked the car
__ I can't use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit limit
__ You are going to have a grandchild
__ False alarm - you are NOT going to have a grandchild
Food:
__ Is great!
__ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
__ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals
Grades:
__ I am making all A's
__ I am not being properly challenged
__ I will be home after this semester
I study:
__ Night and day
__ All the time
__ 80 hours a week
__ Only on Sunday afternoon
__ None of the above
Daily Devotions:
__ I read my Bible everyday
__ I can't read
__ Someone stole my Bible while I was at one of the local bars
On my last visit home, I left:
__ My glasses
__ My paper that was due yesterday
__ The clothes you washed for me
__ My (girlfriend's) birth control pills
__ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment
__ Other _____________________________________________
Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One) or UPS (Blue)
Laundry:
__ My white underwear is now _________________
__ I am saving money by not using detergent
__ Don't worry, I washed my clothes last semester
__ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains
My room:
__ Can pass your "white glove" test
__ Is only _____% full
__ Could not be located last Saturday night
__ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training
Parties:
__ I don't inhale
__ I only go to meet people
__ Haven't been to one since this morning
Hope you:
__ Miss me
__ Can live without me
__ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence
Salutation:
__ Your Daughter,
__ Your Son,
__ Yours,

 

[melody]

Shamri In Church

One day this girl called Shamri needed to use the bathroom really badly. So Shamri goes into this church and finds a priest. Shamri asks,"Father,where's the bathroom?"
The priest replies,"Upstairs to the left."
Shamri thanks him. Now Shamri doesn't know the difference between left and right, so she goes upstairs and turns right. She finds a big hole in the floor and thinks to herself, "This must be where the priest meant. What she didn't know is that the priest is below the hole giving a ceremony. He is holding a big, silver tray right below the hole and says, " Father Lord give us bread."
At that moment she shits into the hole and the shit lands on the tray.
He thanks the Lord. Then he holds up a silver cup and says, "Father Lord give us wine." And Shamri pees into the cup.
Now the priest is impressed and shouts, " Is there anything I can do for you?"
Shamri shouts back, "Got any toilet paper?!"

|||||||

John grew up on a remote dairy farm in Minnesota, and finally decided it was time to get some experience with women.

So he drove the pick-up into the nearest city and managed to find a prostitute who was more than willing to initiate him into the mysteries of sex.

Undressing, the hooker lay down and proceeded to instruct him carefully.

"Stick it in, honey...all the way...now pull it out... okay, back in, slowly......more, oooh, more....Now back again---"

"For Christ's sake," interrupted the sweating farm boy, "could you make up your mind??"

|||||||

Two men walked into a bar, the other one ducked.

Q: What time is it when a elephant sits on your fence?
A: Time to get a new fence!

Q: What do you call priest poo?
A: Holy SHIT!

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick.

 

[melody]

Cyril And Cecil

Two gay guys, called Cyril and Cecil naturally, are in a train compartment with just one other passenger, a City type reading his Daily Telegraph.
"Cecil?" asks Cyril. "Do you mind if I fart?"
Cecil replies, "Of course not, luvvy! Go ahead!"
And with that Cyril emits a "Pffffffffff!" like an emission of steam, barely audible.
A few minutes later Cecil asks, "Cyril? Do you mind I have a little farty poo?"
"No darling!" says Cecil.
And Cyril duly replies with a "Psssssssss!", a mere whisper in the air.
The City gent puts down his newspaper and says "I couldn't help overhearing you two chaps, but would you mind awfully if I had a fart?"
Cyril and Cecil reply "Don't be shy on our part, ducky!"
And with that the City gent lets out a"HRRRRRMPPPPPHHHHHHFFFFFFFF!", window-rattling, triple salko, 10 pints of Guinness and a vindaloo of a fart with possible follow through!
With that, Cyril turns to Cecil and says, "You can always tell a virgin!"


How do you brainwash a blonde?
Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
***
WHY CAN`T BLONDES WATER-SKI?
When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.
***
If you think that sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.
***
How does a lesbian hold her liquor?
By the ears.
***
Q. How does an asthmatic lesbian breathe?
A. In snatches.
***
What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.
***
What do you call a jewish homosexual?
A Heblew
***
Did you hear about the gay bank robber?
He tied up the safe and blew the guard.
***
What were the two gays doing in the telephone box?
Ringing each other.
***
Two gay guys are in a bar and a beautiful blonde walks in wearing a tight t-shirt with no bra. "God, look at that," says one gay guy, "it's enough to make you want to be a lesbian."

 

[melody]

Disabled Swimming Contest

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they’re all in the pool

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some twat puts a swimming cap on me!"
*********
3 Tampax are going down the street, Maxi, Slim, and Ultra
Which one says "Hello" ?
.

None - they’re all stuck up cunts!!!
*********
Q: What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
A: A blow job with handle bars

*********

Two blacks and a Polack are walking down the street. One black snaps his fingers and says, "Yo man, I got the rhythm." The other black snaps his fingers and says, "Yo man, I got the rhythm." The polack snaps his fingers and says, "Yo man, I got this snot on my finger!"
*********
A recent study asked a group of women if their cunts twitched after sex.

98% said "No, he just lays there scratching his balls"
*********
A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, shooting him right through the penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor.

When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card.

"This is my brother’s card. I’ll make an appointment for you to see him."

The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor?"

"No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He’ll show you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye."

 

[melody]

Groaners

In which battle did Napoleon die?
His last battle.

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom of the page.

The Talahatchie River flows in which state?
Liquid.

What is the main reason for divorce?
Marriage.

What can you never eat for breakfast?
Lunch and Dinner.

What looks like half an apple?
The other half.

If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
It will become wet.

How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.

How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack!

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away!)

She was engaged to a man with a wooden leg, but broke it off!

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A Local Area Network in Australia is a LAN down under!

Every calendar's days are numbered.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My friend just hired an Eastern European cleaner. It took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak!

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit!

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery!

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Broken Nose

A girl meets her friend......
"Whassup? You look so pale."
"I'm going to drown myself."
"What's the problem?"
"No one wants to fuck me. My pussy stinks."
"Relax. I'll introduce you to a boxer. His nose is broken, he can't smell a thing!"
She meets the boxer. They're in the bed when suddenly the man gets up and starts putting his clothes on.
"Hey, what's the wrong?"
"Your pussy stinks!"
"But your nose is broken! You can't smell it!"
"Yea, but my eyes are watering!"
=========
Big Dicks are good ones for fuckin'.
But Huge Dicks I say keep on truckin'.
'Cause smaller ones I've found,
As my tongue makes it's rounds,
Are the perfect size for suckin'.
=========
Q: What's the difference between a child molester
and a fucking freak?
A: Political correctness.

Q: What does a Jewish woman say just before she has an orgasm?
A: "Sorry Mom, but I have to hang up now!"

Q: Why are blondes like Corn Flakes?
A: Because they're simple, they're easy, and they taste good!

Q: What's the most common cause of hearing loss among men?
A: His wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Q: How long did it take to fill the red sea?
A: A very long period.
Why is a joke like pussy?
Neither is any fun if you don't get it !!