JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Top 10 Things Not To Say To Your Girlfriends Parents

10. Gee, Pops, you're not nearly as big an asshole as your daughter said
you are.
9. Wazzzaaaaap!
8. The water in your toilet tastes funny.
7.You got a spoon and a lighter I can borrow? I left mine at home.
6. No... No... It's OK. I kinda like it when your dog humps my leg.
5. Your daughter is attractive, but have you seen the tits on her friend Joanne?
4. Hi, Mr. Jones. I'm Bob. This is Chuck, George, Steve and the midget
is Sam. Is Sally ready?
3. (While honking horn in driveway) Hey! I'm waiting out hear! Send the bitch out!
2. You should be proud, Mr. And
Mrs. Smith, you've raised a good girl. I can't get her to blow me no matter what I say.

And the number 1 thing not to say when you meet your girlfriend's
parents for the first time:

1. Man, living under the same roof with a piece of ass like that, I bet you wish you were anyone else but her father.


These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many,
many years. First guy asks the second guy,

"How have things been going?"

The second guy, speaking very slowly tells the first guy,

"I was almost married."

The first guy says in amazement,

"Hey, you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, "Yes, I went to a doctor and
he told me that if I speak slowly I
will not stutter."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how
he was almost married.

"Well, my fiancee and I were sitting on
her porch and the dog was scratching his
back and I told her that when we are
married, she can do that for me. And then
she threw the ring in my face."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the
first friend.

"Well, I speak so slowly, that by the
time she looked at the dog, he was
licking his balls!"

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

English: He's cleaning his automobile
Chinese: Wa Shing Ka
English: This is a tow away zone
Chinese: No Pah King
English: Is there a fugitive here?
Chinese: Hu Yu Hai Ding?
English: Small Horse
Chinese: Tai Ni Po Ni
English: Your price is too high!!!
Chinese: No Bai Nut Ding!!!
English: Did you go to the beach?
Chinese: Wai Yu So Tan?
English: I bumped into a coffee table
Chinese: Ai Bang Mai Ni
English: It's very dark in here
Chinese: Wai So Dim?
English: Has your flight been delayed?
Chinese: Hao Long Wei Ting?
English: I thought you were on a diet?
Chinese: Wai Yu Mun Ching?
English: They have arrived
Chinese: Hai Dei Kum
English: Your body odor is offensive
Chinese: Yu Stin Ki Pu
English: You know lyrics to the Macarena?
Chinese: Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
English: I got this for free
Chinese: Ai No Pei
English: Stay out of sight
Chinese: Lei Lo
English: Phew! Does this bathroom stink!
Chinese: Hu Flung Dung?


YOU KNOW YOUR LIFE SUCKS WHEN.....

A black cat crosses your path and drops dead. You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife. The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm. Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft. You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment. Your children's school calls to surrender. The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice. Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map. Your plants do better when you don't talk to them. All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists. Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection,plastic.


You know you are in the wrong Church when:
1. The church bus has gun racks.
2. The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.
3. The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version."
4. There's an ATM in the lobby.
5. Choir wears leather robes.
6. Worship services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake."
7. No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.
8. Karaoke Worship Time.
9. Ushers ask, "Smoking or Non-smoking?"
10. The only song the organist knows is "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."

 

[melody]

Thoughts On Aging

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.
--------
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his
utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for
the first time in two years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up, and
showed her his enormous boner.
... "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do
you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all
the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it!"


Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Joey-Jim asked. "Well didn't ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"


Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"

* * * *

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

*****

Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room. The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left. Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions. When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT , opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool. The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"

* * * *
An Irish drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. Puzzled at the non-Catholic service, he proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back, ever the open-minded fellow, and says, "Yes sir, I am."
The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.
Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
* * * *
A drunken Irishman gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes later, another loud scream reverberates throughout the bar. The bartender goes to the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there"? "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I flush something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls!"
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says....."You idiot--You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

 

[melody]

The Robot

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Let me tell you how she works.
If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her
right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex,
too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for
a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh!
Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil
sharpener!"
=======
A couple had not been married for long, when the husband came home one
day to find that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and
gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success. Two
days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the
kitchen. He asked her what she had been up to and why she hadn’t been
home for so long. She replied:”These four men kidnapped me and had wild
sex with me for a week.” The husband answered: “But it’s only been two
days what do you mean a week?” She answered “I am just here to get
something to fuck’n eat.”
========
A blonde decided to commit suicide. So, she thought being hit by
a train would not be that bad. She lay with her legs spread
over the railway line. The next day in the paper it read:
Train disappeared
Reward offered
=======
During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents, young Michael
cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women.
I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"
With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close
behind.
"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."
"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute,
I'll go with you."

A Man's Birthday

It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it.

At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today."

"Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?," asks the Post Office worker.

"33," says the man. "Well, have a good day," says the worker.

"Thank you," replied the man. To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady,

"It's my birthday today."

"Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady.

"I'm..." "No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is."

"Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man.

"If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady.

"I don't believe it."

"Well let me prove it!"

"I'm not going to let you feel my balls!," says the man.

"Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady.

After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it."

After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims!

"How the fuck did you know that?!," exclaims the man, impressed.

"I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.

It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and before he can say anything, some talking came from the other end of the line and the husband says "How the heck do I know - what am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some bloke who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
Three people walked by a strip bar they walked in, the first guy licks a 100 dollar bill and slaps it on one side of her butt. The next guy also, licks a 100 dollar bill and slaps it on the other side of her butt. The third guy walks in takes out a credit card swipes it through her butt and takes the 200 dollars.

 

[melody]

A man applied for a job with the council, but failed the medical because he didn't have any balls. Finally he managed to convince the doctor and the boss that it wouldn't make any difference to the way he worked.
"OK," said the boss, "you can take the job, but just one thing, you have to start at 8am every morning."
"Why," asked the man, "every one else starts at 7:30 am."
"Yeah," replied the boss, "but they stand around for half an hour scratching their balls!"

===

Tired of being rejected, the husband walked into the bedroom after the
wife went to bed. As he handed her two pills and told her,
"Here, take these."
She asked, "What are these?" He told her, "They're aspirins."
"But," she said with a quizzical look, "I don't have a headache."
To which he replies, "Good, lets fuck."
===

Blonde Quickies!

Why did the blonde climb the chain link fence?
So she could see what was on the other side.

What does a blonde say when she finds out she is pregnant?
"Boy, I hope it's mine!"

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.
Why are blondes naturally good at blow jobs?
Because the anagram of BLONDE is BEND LO and BLO END!

What do you call a blonde giving you a wank?
A golden hand shaker!
How many blondes does it take to turn a computer on?
Just one. She masturbates in front of it!

Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
Because she had just blow dried her hair!

===

A Pollack was suffering from constipation, so his doctor
prescribed suppositories. A week later the Pole complained to the
doctor that they didn't produce the desired results. "Have you been
taking them regularly?" the doctor asked. "What do you think I've
been doing," the Pole said, "Shoving them up my ass?"

Mommy And Daddy

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

Mom : "Now what do I do?"

Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."
One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees... Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking."
One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"
Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

 

[melody]

My Penis Is Orange

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me.
My penis is orange."

The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he
can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy,
"This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot
of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy,
"How are things going at work?"

The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor
tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. The guy
responds,
"No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours
of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening.
I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours,
I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a
really great guy."

So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's
your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight
months ago."

The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys
stress.

But the guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag,
nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!"

So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires,
"Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"

The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home,
watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!!!"

The Nine Important Men In A Woman's Life....
1. THE DOCTOR: because he says, "Take your clothes off."
2. THE DENTIST: because he says, "Open wide."
3. THE HAIRDRESSER: because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown?".
4. THE MILKMAN: because he says, "Do you want it in the front or
the back?"
5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR: because he says, "Once it's in, you'll
love it!"
6. THE STOCK BROKER: because he says, "It will rise right up,
fluctuate for a while, and then slowly fall back again."
7. THE BANKER: because he says,
"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest.
8. THE HUNTER: (our favorite) because he goes deep in the bush,
shoots twice, and always eats what he shoots.
9. THE TELEPHONE GUY: because he says,
"Would you like it on the table or up against the wall?

Nursing Home Residents

Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home Residents. They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home.

The other woman said that her sex life was great!
"The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"

Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!" When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.

It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an ass!"

________


Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Little boy blew
Little boy blew who?
Michael Jackson

Knock Knock. Who's there?
Boo. Boo who?
Well geez, I didn't mean to make you cry.

Knock, Knock whos there?
Atch; Atchwho? Bless you

Knock; knock Who's there?
Yule, Yule who?
Yule never know

Knock; knock Who's there?
Cargo Cargo who?
Cargo honk, honk

Knock, knock.
-Who’s there?
-Uask!
-Uask who?
-U ask to many questions!!

Knock knock joke
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Enid!
Enid who?
Enid some more pocket money!

 

[melody]

Mommy And Daddy

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

Mom : "Now what do I do?"

Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."
One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees... Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking."
One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"
Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

Batteries

A young lady goes to a store and says to the salesman,

"I need some batteries for my vibrator."

He motions with his finger, "Come this way..."

She says,

"If I could come that way I wouldn't need a fucking vibrator."

(((((

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs enough times that her husband finally asks

"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s" she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God. I thought you were sitting on the cat."
Two morons are riding around looking for a place to have a picnic. One moron says, "Hey, lets have a picnic over there under that tree." The other moron says," No, no, lets have it in the middle of the road." They fought and came to a decision to have it in the middle of the road. Not long afterwards a car came speeding towards them, swerved off the road and ran into the tree. One moron says, “See if we were over there we would be dead right now."
A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word fascinate in a sentence. Brian raises his hand and says, "The sky is fascinating."
The teacher says, "No that's fascinating."
Jennifer raises her hand and says, "When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated."
The teacher says, "No that's fascinated."
So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her tit's are so big she could only fasten eight!

 

[melody]

Are You Friendly to Animals?

Sadly, only one out of every two people is friendly to other creatures.
Find out if you are a heartless monster.

1. If you find a robin who cannot fly, what do you do?
a) rescue it and nurture it (in the after-school TV special style)
b) leave it be
c) call your mother about exactly how to give that duck sauce recipe a
reddish flair.

2. If there is a mouse that has moved into your house, what do you do?
a) trap it humanely and release out it in the countryside.
b) use whatever mousetrap is necessary
c) enlist a stray cat, then afterwards call your mother about that
cat-sauce recipe

3. When your dog messes on the new carpet, what do you do?
a) reprimand it with stern wording
b) beat the dog so it won't even move for the next two weeks
c) dogs don't need sauce, it would be best just to grill them up in a
natural state

4. Do you eat veal?
a) not at all
b) I eat what I want to eat
c) if it moves, it's the main course at my next meal

5. What do you hope the future will hold for the animals of our planet?
a) freedom, health, and happiness
b) factory-farm efficiency worldwide
c) giant shish kabobs

I think you know which answers mean animal-friendliness. It's simple.
If you picked a), you're a real animal-lover. If you picked b), you're
not so friendly. If c) was your letter of choice, you're probably pretty
hungry. So don't let me stand in the way, I'm sure there's a stray cat
just waiting to be a part of your next stew.

 

[melody]

Sex Education

A fifth grade teacher is told she must teach sex education to
her class. Unfortunately, she is a math teacher and knows
little about teaching sex ed. She decides to use her math
techniques to teach the subject, and thinks flash cards will
work well.

The next day in class, she explains that a new unit of sex ed
is to begin. She holds up the first flash card, a picture of a
breast, and asked "Does anyone know what this is?"

Little Suzie responds, "I know, I know! It's a picture of a
breast and my mommy has two of them!"

The teacher says, "Very good Suzie, you get a star for the
exercise."

The teacher grabs the next card and holdups a picture of a
penis. She asks, "Does anyone know what this is?" and Little
Johnny's hand shoots into the air as he hurriedly says, "I
know I know!! It a penis and my daddy has two of them!!!"

The teacher corrects him saying, "Now Johnny, It is a penis
but I'm afraid your daddy can't have two of them."

Little Johnny says, "Sure he does, he's got a little one he
pees out of and a great big one that he brushes the sitter's
teeth with!"

nnn

Three men, an Italian, a Jew, and a Pole, are sentenced to
spend 15 years in solitary confinement. The Judge, feeling
sorry for the men, decided to allow each to take with him
whatever is the one thing they feel they can't live without.

The Italian says, "I'd like to take my woman with me."

The Judge reluctantly agrees, and the Italian takes his wife
and heads off to solitary.

The Jew says, "I'd like to take a telephone with me."

The Judge agrees, and off goes the Jew with his telephone.

The Pole pulls out a hand-held calculator and feverishly
punches the buttons for a few minutes and then announces, "I'd
like to take 3,000 cartons of cigarettes with me."

The judge agrees, and off goes the Pole with his cigarettes.

After 15 years they open the Italian's cell, and out comes the
Italian with his wife and 15 children: "It wasn't so bad...."

The Jew emerges and announces he is now a multi-millionaire,
having set up a successful business by telephone.

The Pole then comes out, trembling like a leaf, and shakily
asks, "Anybody got a match?"

---------- Post added at 06:03 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 12:08 PM ----------

Gay Hitchhikers

A truck driver pulled over to the side of the road and picked up two homosexuals
who were hitchhiking.
They climbed into the cab and the truck driver pulled the rig back onto the highway.
A few minutes later, the first fag said. "Excuse me, but I have to fart." He held his breath,
then the truck driver heard a low "Hsssssss."
A few miles down the road, the second fag announced, "Excuse me, but I have to fart."
The announcement was followed by another low "Hsssssss."
"Jesus Fuckin Christ!" the truckie exclaimed. "You fairies can't even fart like men. Listen
to this." A moment later he emitted a deafening staccato machine gun burst from his arse.
"Ohhh!" one fag exclaimed, turning to the other. "You know what we have here, Bruce?
A real virgin"

nnnnn

Mum walked into the bathroom one day and found
young Johnny furiously scrubbing his dick with a
toothbrush and toothpaste.
"What the hell do you think you're doing, young
man?!" she exclaimed.
"Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna
do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm
gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my
sister's."

nnnnn

A little girl was licking a lollipop at a hairdressers a drops it into a heap of cut hair lying
on the floor, the hairdresser says to her: Oh, "have you got hair on your lollipop"?
"No", answers the little girl, "I'm only three."

nnnnn

Q: Why is a turd better than a woman?
A: Because after you lay a turd you don't have to hug and kiss it.

Q: What is the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A: The toilet won't follow you around for three months when you're finished using it.

Q: Did you hear about the new deodorant called Umpire?
A: It's for foul balls.

Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So no one confuses them with feminists.

Q: What is the difference between American sewers and Mexican sewers?
A: Mexican sewers have diving boards!

Q: How do we know God is a man?
A: Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.

It's A Bit Rich

A guy walked up to a hooker and asked how much she wanted for a hand job.
"$100!" she replied.
"Fucking hell!" replied the guy, "That's a bit rich isn't it?"
"See that Porsche parked over there?" said the hooker, "I own it because I give the best hand jobs in town!"
The guy thought this was OK and agreed on the price. The hand job went on for hours. The guy loved it so much that he asked how much it would cost for a head job.
"$250!" replied the hooker.
"Fucking hell," said the guy, "That's a bit rich isn't it?"
"See that block of apartments behind the Porsche?" replied the hooker, "I paid for that with cash because I give the best head jobs in town!"
"Wow," said the guy, "I'll give that a go as well!"
When the pro finished the best head job he had ever had, he asked the hooker how much it would cost for the real thing.
"Well," replied the hooker, "You see that big factory behind the apartment block?"
"Yeah!" said the guy excitedly, "I see them!"
"Well," the hooker sighed, "That would be mine if I had a pussy!"

[[[[[

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator
told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

"There was a long pause and finally Bubba said,
"How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and
you pick her up there?"

[[[[[

The new substitute teacher was introducing herself to the
class. "My name is Miss Prussy. That's like pussycat only with
an 'r'."
The next morning, she began class by asking if anyone
remembered her name. Little Johnny's hand shot up from the third
row. "Yes," he proudly exclaimed, "You're Miss Crunt."

[[[[[

Question: Did you hear about the two sailors and the nurse
who were stranded together on a desert island?
Answer: After
three months, the nurse was so disgusted with what she was doing
that she killed herself. Then, after three more months, the
sailors were so disgusted with what they were doing, they buried
her.

 

[melody]

Convenient Store

A man and woman stop at a convenient store. The man waits in
the car while the woman goes in. After a length of time, the
man goes in to look for the woman.

Man to clerk: Young man have you seen my wife?"

Clerk: "Yes, she already left." The man, knowing his wife did
not come out, calls the police.

The police find her locked in a back room naked and tied up.

Man: "Honey are you OK? Did he hurt you?"

Woman: "No, he just licked me all over."

Man: " Officer, I want this man arrested for assault."

Officer: " Sir, I'm afraid I cant do that."

Man: "And just why the heck not?"

Officer: ... "He has a lickher license!"

~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~

There was a young lady from Saratoga
Who practiced an extreme form of Yoga
Tying the body into boy-scout knots
Which gave young men the hots
But frustration, when they couldn't untie her.

~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~

Q. If a doctor of geriatrics treats old people, and a doctor
of gynecology treats women; then, what does a geriatric-
gynecologist specialize in?

A. Spreading old wives tails.

Syndrome

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him:
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."
So they asked him:
"Well, what do you have?"
And the old man said: "I thought It was a fart........... but I was wrong."



My wife was standing in front of her mirror admiring her
clothing. "Look, dear," she said to me "I can still get
into the same skirts I had before I got married." "Yeah," I snorted,
"I wish I could say the same."



Abe went to a brothel and told the madam, "I want a girl with
big boobs and a small box."

"Why?" she asked him.

"Never mind!" replied Abe. "I`m paying for it. I want a girl
with big tits and a small cooze!"

"No problem," said the madam. "Go straight up the stairs to
room 23."

A few minutes later there was a knock on the door, and a young
woman walked in.

"Okay," she said, "are you the guy with the big mouth and the
small pecker?"

 

[melody]

To All Employees Who Work Overtime:

Oh husband, oh husband, I tremble with fear,
You've been on overtime almost a year!

And since you are gone till way late at night,
A good piece of ass seems way out of sight.

Oh husband, dear husband, please don't be a fool,
working this overtime is wasting your tool.

Far better it is to be poor all your life
Than to bring a soft peter home to your wife.

Oh husband, dear husband, now don't get me wrong,
The money is good, but so was your dong.

You came home from work just able to creep;
I feel like screwing! But you want to sleep.

Each evening, dear husband, you crawl into bed;
Your intentions are good, but your pecker is dead.

I play with your pecker all wrinkled and dry;
I get so damned mad! I could lay down and cry.

I have pleaded with you dear, with tears in my eyes;
I have played with your balls, but your pecker won't rise.

For in this whole world, there is only one sin,
For which there's no pardon and never has been;

And that is a man who's so foolish and mean
That he gives up Fucking to run a machine!


Mummy! Mummy! I'm getting dizzy!
Shut up son, or I will nail your other foot to the ground!

Mummy! Mummy! Dad's been run over in the street!
Shut up son and don't make me laugh, you know my lips are chapped!
Mummy! Mummy! Everyone at school calls me a pansy!
Don't worry dear, just hit them over the head with your handbag!
*
Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"
*
Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. "But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."
*
Why do you fuck sheep on their backs?
So you can kiss them.
*
Why should you always wrap hamsters in masking tape?
So that they don't split when you fuck them.
*
What's the difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is using one feather and perverted is using the whole chicken.


Break The Ice

The first day of school was going good for the new teacher and in an
attempt to "break the ice" with the little second graders, she began to
ask each student what their fathers did for a living.
...
"Mary, what does your daddy do?" asked the teacher. Mary replied, "My
daddy is a mailman". "That's great Mary. Every town needs a mailman to
deliver the mail," said the teacher.

"Nancy, what does your daddy do? asked the teacher again. "Oh, my daddy
is a mechanic", replied Nancy. "That is really great Nancy..we need
mechanics like your daddy to keep our cars running," said the teacher.

Looking in the back of the room she spotted a rather sad looking Johnny.
"And, Johnny, what does your daddy do?" asked the teacher. "W-well, my
daddy died last summer", said Johnny in a broken voice. The teacher
really felt bad and wondered how she could get herself out of this one. "Well,
I'm ah, really, um, am sorry to hear about your daddy Johnny," stammered the
teacher. "What did your daddy do before he died?" she asked. Johnny
calmly replied: "Well, he turned blue, then he shit in his pants."

*****
What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
Men usually miss all three.

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

How can you tell a macho women?
She rolls her own tampons.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q: What's a woman?
A: Something you lie on when your having a fuck.

Q: What is the difference between a woman and a donkey?
A: None, you can ride them both!

Q: What's the difference between a woman with PMS and mad cow disease?
A: Two tits!

 

[ehdrian]

Bro, frm whr u get all these jokes?..So many of them..

 

[DanzEterna]

You may have read this before but It still gives u a good laugh.


This is the reason why English should be taught in Malaysian schools - especially proper pronunciation.




One of the main reasons why in recent years the Malaysian Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representatives were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago.

It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA , Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore were being asked 3 simple questions:

MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with 'L'
Miss USA : Lamp
Miss Singapore : Light bulb
Miss Malaysia : LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter 'L'

MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name me an animal starting with the letter 'L'
Miss USA : Lion
Miss Singapore : Leopard
Miss Malaysia : LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no!

MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that starts with 'L'
Miss USA : Lexus
Miss Singapore : Lamborghini
Miss Malaysia : Lolls-Loyce
Judge: Oh my God!

MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a fruit starting with the letter 'L'
Miss USA : Lemon
Miss Singapore : Lychee
Miss Malaysia , with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN!!

This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Malaysia should really be disqualified ; and they decided that since Miss Malaysia was having so many problems with the letter 'L', they decided to give her another chance.

Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human anatomy starting with the letter 'L'
Miss USA : Lung (applause)
Miss Singapore : Liver (even more applause)
Miss Malaysia : L*N C**U!

The Judges fainted..!!! "

 

[ehdrian]

good one danz..really LMAO..

 

[Izso]

Ehdrian - Melody is a sister.. not a bro la.

 

[DanzEterna]

Ehdrian - Melody is a sister.. not a bro la.

i also call my sis in laws bro too kekeke....kinda used to it...

 

[ehdrian]

Oops, sorry melody..my bad..

 

[DanzEterna]

IF YOU CANNOT LAUGH AT THIS ONE- THEN YOU HAVE A PROBLEM

What's in the box?

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food.

She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.


The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot
sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat.

A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants
proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it
back to the store.

They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.

Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog
food without proof that you have a dog.

A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants
proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog.

She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.

The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the
hole.

The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box
that would harm her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it
out.

She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit."

The little old lady said, "It is, I want to buy

three rolls of toilet paper."


Don't mess with old people.

 

[melody]

There was a young lady named Hicks
Who delighted to play with men's pricks,
Which she would embellish
With evident relish,
And make then stand up and do tricks.
~~~
There was a young lady named Mable
Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
Then cry to her man,
'Stuff in all you can -
Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able.'
~~~
There was a young lady named Mabel
Who said, 'I don't think that I'm able;
But I'm willing to try
So where should I lie -
On the bed, on the floor or the table?'
~~~
Priscilla, her breasts bouncing gaily,
Liked to screw with a friendly Israeli.
Just the thought of his schmuck
Got her ready to fuck,
Which they did six or seven times daily.
~~~
A methodical fellow named Wade,
Could recall every girl that he'd laid.
He recorded each poke,
Every thrust, every stroke,
And precisely how much he'd been paid.
~~~
There once was a miss from Wake Forest
Who had a gigantic clitoris.
Most people, you see,
Thought her name was Marie,
But her intimates knew her as Horace.
~~~
There was a young lady from China,
Who had an enormous vagina,
And when she was dead,
They painted it red,
And used it for docking a liner.
~~~
There was a young man from Savannah,
Who met his end in a curious manner.
He whittled a hole
In a telephone pole
And electrified his banana.
~~~
"You, choirboy!" ordered the pastor
"Bend over the pew for your Master!"
He said with a moan
As he slipped him a bone.
"Now just wag your tail a bit faster!"
~~~
There once was a Queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
Till a Prince from Peru,
Who came for a screw,
Had to hunt for her twat with a terrier.
~~~
A bugger who buggered some sheep
Tried to bugger a ewe in her sleep.
She awoke with a start
And she ripped a great fart.
Now he's covered in shit three feet deep.
~~~
There was a young lady of Worcester
Who dreamt that a rooster seduced her.
She woke with a scream,
But 'twas only a dream
A lump in the mattress had goosed her.

Greek Style

A man goes into a little neighborhood pub, and when he sits down, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar.
He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn't take long before he is on the stool next to her.
They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman, "You're really hot!"
You're pretty cute, too," she says to him. "I'll tell you what. I live just around the corner. What do you think about coming up to my place?"
It sounds great!" the man eagerly replies.
"Before we go up there though", the woman says, "I have to ask you one question: Do you like doing it Greek style?"
"Well...uh.. .I'm not exactly sure what that is, man answers, "but it sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go!"
So the two of them walk over to her apartment.
As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man can't believe his eyes. The woman has an incredibly beautiful body.
"Now, you're *sure*," the woman asks, "that you want to do it Greek style?"
"Definitely! " the man replies.
"All right, then," says the woman. "Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees."
"Sounds like fun!" the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man.
She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"
"Yeah! Yeah!" says the man.
The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He can't move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest. One more time she says, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"
The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts.
"Yeah!" he mumbles, "Greek style!"
The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out, " HEY GUS!"
=====
What is the difference between a Hobo and a Homo?
A Hobo is a loner who doesn't have any friends.
A Homo has friends up the ass.
Q: What'd the wife do when she found out her husband was a fag?
A: She turned around and took it like a man!

 

[melody]

A Condom

There were two people having sex in a car. They finished up and the guy threw the condom out the window.

His girlfriend got mad at him as she wanted to go again but that was their last condom.

So he got out of the car and went to find the condom.

He found that a little boy had found it and when he asked for it back the boy refused. "C'mon" he begged, "I'll give you a dollar."

"Well," the little boy thought, "Okay."

So the little boy ran home. "Mom, you'll never guess what just happened! I sold this guy a Twinky for a dollar, but I tricked him. I sucked the cream out of it first!"

yyyyy

Frannie went to the doctor, saying she had a problem with her aviaries.
The doctor said, "Frannie, you're being silly. You mean ovaries.
Aviaries are where you find birds."
Frannie shook her head and said she meant *aviaries*.
Not prepared to argue, the doctor told her to get on the couch for an
inspection. After a quick look, he said, "Well, Frannie, you're right!
There's been a cockatoo in there."

yyyyy

Q. What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A. A salad shooter

Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
A. Bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator, goes to bed.
Married man comes home, sees what's in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.

Q. Why did the boy fall off the swing?
A. He didn't have any arms.

Q. What's the definition of eternity?
A. The time between when you cum and she leaves.

Q. What's gray, sits at the bed and takes the piss?
A. A kidney dialysis machine.

Q. What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pubic hair?
A. Cunt Stubble.
Q. Why did God invent yeast infection?
A. So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying cunt.

Q. Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar?
A. They went outside to exchange blows.

Q. Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him?
A. He came home shit faced.

 

[melody]

White Man & Black Man

A white man noticed the impressive length of the black man's
penis at the adjacent urinal. Sure wish I had one like yours.

The black man replied, You can just tie a string around it and hang a
weight on the end of the string. Put the weight down your pant leg and
you can have one like mine.

The white man thanked him for the suggestion and left.

Some weeks later, they met again in the lavatory.

The black man asked how the project was going.

Great,I'm half way there!

Really? said the black man.

Yes. It's turning black!


Confucious Say.....

It takes many nails to build a crib but one screw to fill it.
*Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*Man who sit on tack, get point.
*Man with hand on tool not always mechanic.
*Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.
*He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
*What is the definition of a smart ass?
*Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is.

()()()()()

Why do men love blow jobs so much?
They love all jobs they can lay back and watch a woman do.
What's the difference between people who pray in church and those
who pray in casinos?
The ones in the casinos are serious.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer.
You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer... TWICE!

Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground instead of the usual six feet?
Because deep down, they are really good people.

What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you
How did the blonde burn her nose?
Bobbing for French fries.

Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
They keep breaking them with their hammers.

Two blondes stopped in their car to let a funeral pass by.
Who died? the first blonde asked.
I think it was the person in the casket replied the second blonde.