JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

He Wanted A Virgin

He wanted many things in a wife, but above all he wanted one who was a virgin. Falling madly in love with Summer, he decided to test her.
At a drive-in one night, he leaned over and asked, "Would you like to see my pee-pee?"

As he unzipped his fly, Summer covered her eyes. "No! No! Please put it back!"

Thrilled, he deemed Summer worthy of being his bride, and immediately proposed to her. On their wedding night, he was keenly anticipating the delight of introducing Summer to sex.

When she came to bed, he unzipped his fly and took out his member.

Summer smiled, "Oooooh...what a nice pee-pee."

He stroked her hair. "My dear, the first thing you must learn is that it really isn't called a pee-pee. It's called a cock."

"No," Summer said, studying it, "That's a pee-pee. A cock is long, fat and like Bubba's!!"

00000000

My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up
at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned
her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her
back over, and came all over her face and hair. I guess we don't
watch the same movies.

00000000

Did you hear about he new athletic shoe for lesbians? They are
called "Dikees" They come with an extra long tongue and you can get
them off with one finger!
A cook got his hand caught in a dishwasher - and they were both
fired.


Nasty Female Bashing

Q: What do you tell to a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, she has been told twice already.

Q: How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

Q. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.

Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A. It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? A.
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?
A. You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Q. Why do men fart more than women?
A. Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

Q: How do you get your wife to scream while you are having an orgasm?
A: Call her and tell her where you are.

A recent survey asked 100 sexually active women if their twat twitched after sex.
98% replied "No, he just rolls over and goes to sleep."

The three most amazing things about women are:
1 They can give milk without eating grass.
2 They can bleed for a week and not die.
3 They can bury a bone and not get their noses dirty.


Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.


They found a cure for mad cow disease:
A box of chocolate and a dozen roses

Q. Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
A. Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Why did God give men penises?
So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.

Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.

Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
Her navel.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

What's a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.

No Respect !

“My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.”
*
“I went to see my doctor… Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah…I told him once… Doctor…every morning when I get up and look in the mirror..I feel like throwing up; what’s wrong with me? He said..I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect”
*
“I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.”
*
“I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.”
*
“My dentist has bad breath……Why every time he smokes he blows onion
rings.”
*
“My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. I told him…If you don’t mind I’d like a second opinion…he said… Alright…you’re ugly too!”
*
“I was so ugly…my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!”
*
“I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said… Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said.. No..I hate myself now.”
*
“I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo.”
*
“I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code.”
*
“I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back saying…Caution Wide Load.”
*
“My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker”
*
“One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn’t ride around her. I told her that I didn’t think I had enough gas”
*
“I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out of two bed sheets.”
*
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet she won’t drink from my glass!”
*
“Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!”
*
“I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!”
*
“A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him…how am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo? He told me . . . that is why we give you 21 days.
*
“Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii…No days..just nights.”
*
“My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.”
*
“My wife isn’t very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said…did you see the guy that did it? She said … No, but I got the license plate.”
*
“A girl phoned me and said…Come on over there’s nobody home. I went over… Nobody was home!”
*
“I went to a massage parlor. It was self service
*
“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
*
“My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”
*
"I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.”
*
“Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him…Do you think we’ll ever find them.? He said..I don’t know kid.. there are so many places they can hide.”
*
“I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor… so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark…”
*
“On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it’s different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.”
*
“I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.”
*
“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday
*
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for the west!”
*
“My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.”
*
“When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father…I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through.”
*
“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”
*
“When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.”
*
“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
*
“What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!”

How To Keep A Woman Happy...

Oh what a man must go through.............
How to make a woman happy?
It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest (white lies okay)
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
50, keep the heat up

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. to never forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

1. Feed him
2. Fuck him
3. and Shut the fuck up.

 

[melody]

Two Worms

Two worms live together on a golf course.
The first worm says, "What kind of day is it?"
The other worm says, "You know, I don't know, but I was thinking of
going up and checking it out." The first worm says, "That's a good
idea. Why don't you do that."
So the second worm starts on his way up
through the dirt.
At the same time, two lady golfers are walking along
the fairway. The first one says, "Jeez, I gotta wiz."
Her friend says,
"Well, it's very early. There's nobody else here on the course.
Do it right here. Nobody will know."
The first lady says, "You think so?
Right here?"
Her friend says, "Yeah." And she agrees to do it, because
it helps the joke. She pulls down her skivvies, and lifts up her little
golf dress and she squats.
She's just about to commence when the worm
pokes his head up out of the grass right below her. She lets fly, and
forget it, he gets drenched. He's dripping wet as he goes back down
through the dirt. He goes up to the first worm, and he's soaking wet.
The first worm looks at him and says, "Oh, it's raining, huh?" The
second worm says, "Not only is it raining, but it's raining so hard the
damm birds are building their nests upside-down!"

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

There were three babies in a mother's womb. It was very dark in their.
One of the babies said, "When I grow up, I want to become an engineer
so I can lighten this place up."
The second one said, "I want to become a doctor, so I can help people."
The third one was quiet for a while and finally said,
"When I grow up, I want to become a boxer."

"A boxer?!?" the other two said.

"Yeah, so I can kick the shit out of that guy who comes in here
everyday and spits on us," replied the third one.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Three couples went to New York for a weekend but didn't have reservations.
They were amazed to find only two rooms left in the whole area. Each room
had one bed. They took the rooms and decided to have the three women
share one bed and the three men share the other.
In the middle of the night, one man got up to leave. Another man asked
him, "What are you doing?"

The first man answered, "I'm going to see my wife."

The second man asked, "What do you mean you're going to see your wife?"

The first man said, "I'm going to see my wife. I've got the biggest erection
I've ever had."

The second man said, "Well, then, take me with you."

The first man said, "Why should I take you with me?"

The second man answered, "Because you're holding MY dick."

 

[melody]

Application To Date My Daughter
(This is very long but hysterical)

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.

1. NAME _______________________________
DATE OF BIRTH ________________

2. HEIGHT ______________ WEIGHT __________
I.Q _______ G.P.A.____________

3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________
DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________

5. HOME ADDRESS _________________
CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP __________

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?
___yes ___no

If No, EXPLAIN

7. Number of years your parents have been married

8. Do you own a van? ______
A truck with oversized tires? ______
A waterbed? _________

Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring,
or a tattoo? _____________________

(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)

9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?

10. In 50 words or less, what does
"DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?

11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
12. Church you attend _____________
How often do you attend ______________________

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother
and priest/rabbi/minister?

14. Answer by filling in the blank:
Please answer freely.
ALL answers are confidential
(That means I won't tell anyone -ever- I promise.)

a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is_____________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my _____________
c) A woman's place is in the_____________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is_____________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is_____________

(NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue.
Leave premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ____________________________________

Please Review the Following
Ten Simple Rules for ****** My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be ******. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


I SWEAR THAT I HAVE READ ALL THE RULES AND THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

Signature (That means sign your name)
____________________________________

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.

If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back).


This is your "last chance" to check your answers.
Perhaps you should check your response to question #10. This guy didn't get it!

Do you still want to date my daughter?

_____ Yes, please accept my application

_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house.

 

[melody]

Hillarious Miscellaneous

When the gynecologist confirmed her suspicion that she was pregnant,
Judy got a little scared. "It'll be my first baby," she confessed with
a blush, "and actually I don't know the first thing about how babies
are delivered."

"Don't worry about a thing," reassured the doctor. "It's really not all
that different from how the baby got started in the first place."

Startled, Judy exclaimed, "You mean twice around the park with my legs
hanging out of the cab?"

@@@

A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The
bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is.
All he says is, "All lawyers are assholes."
A man sitting in the corner shouts, "I take offense to that!"
The pissed off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
He replies, "No, I'm an asshole!"

@@@

What do the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?
Toast is brown on both sides.

@@@

A fairly standard ABC rating system by which all women can
be categorized:

A - I'd bang her silly.
B - I'd let her swallow my hot load.
C - I wouldn't fuck her with someone else's dick.

@@@

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack".
The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".
The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."
The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."
The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

 

[melody]

Why Sheep Are Better Than...

*You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.

*Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.

*Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a
social disease.

*Nuttin' beats mutton!

*Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to
go get a towel.

*Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your
weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they
have to be home early.

*Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.

*Sheep never ask about your former lovers, and
then get pissed off when you tell them.

*No matter how old or ugly you are, you can
always find a willing ewe.

*Sheep are never concerned about their reputation.

*Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time you
couldn't get it up.

*Sheep won't ask if you're gay when you can't get
it up for the second time.

*Sheep never insist on eating out.

*You'll never catch your sheep masturbating to a
picture of Brad Pitt.

*Sheep don't get suspicious if you have to work late.

*Sheep don't smell like tuna fish.

*Sheep don't get moody once a month.

*You can eat a lamb chop without getting wool stuck
in your teeth.

*A sheep doesn't expect you to support her for the
rest of her life after one roll in the hay.

*A sheep never wears curlers and a mud pack to bed.

*A sheep doesn't stop screwing after the honeymoon.

*A sheep won't get drunk and throw up in your car.

*A sheep won't think that a weekend stay-over entitles
her to rearrange your furniture and put up new curtains.

*A sheep won't expect you to pay...and pay...and pay...
and pay.

*A sheep will never complain about the spittoon in your pickup.

*A sheep will never throw out your old copies of Playboy.

*A sheep won't care if you keep your fish bait in the
refrigerator.

*Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth

*A sheep will never sue you for palimony.

*A sheep won't care if you screw her sister.

*A sheep won't care if your secretary is better looking than she is.

*A sheep will never tell you the ceiling needs to be painted while you're screwing.

*Sheep never have a headache.

*A sheep won't use your razor to shave its legs, or your pocketknife to open a paint can.

*A sheep won't leave wet nylons hanging all over the bathroom.

*A sheep will never ask you to stop on the way home from work and pick up a box of tampons.

 

[melody]

So this guy goes out looking for the skankiest, sleaziest whore he can find, because he wants a REALLY kinky experience. So he finds one and takes her up to a cheap motel room.
He gets down between her legs to go down on her and to his delight, there is a septic boil between her pussy and her asshole. He starts sucking the puss out of it.
After about 10 minutes she exclaims: "I have to piss."
"It's okay," he answers, "piss on me." So she does, and he drinks it, letting some dribble down his chin.
A little later she says "Sorry, but I have diarrhea -- I really have to go."
"It's okay," he answers, "do it on me." So she does, and he lets it go all over his mouth and face, and smears it all over himself, and swallows some of it.
So he's REALLY into it, licking the shit and piss and pus off her pussy and ass, when he glances up and notices she's picking her nose. He jumps up and shouts:
"What are you trying to DO, bitch?! Gross me out?!"


A miner comes out of the bush camp after several months of very hard work. When he gets to town, he decides to go to the local whorehouse so as to unload some pent up frustrations. He picks out a whore, takes her to her room, and she gives him a skillful blow-job. When she's done, she reaches under the bed, pulls out a big mason jar and spits his wad into it.
"What the hell is THAT for?" he asks.
"Well", she says..."Me and my girlfriend have a running contest. Whoever has more at the end of the week...gets to drink both."


A doctor goes to his office one Monday and is shocked to find that it has been ransacked and the files have all been mixed up. He sees the file for Mrs. Smith, but her chart is mixed up with some of the others and he can't tell which is which. He finally narrows it down to two charts, and he decides to call her house. Mr. Smith answers the phone.
"Mr. Smith, this is Dr. Jenkins. I have bad news. Your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer's Disease -- I don't know which.
"Well, what should I do?" asks a distraught Mr. Smith.
"Drop her off at the edge of town," says the doctor, "and if she finds her way back, DON'T FUCK HER!"

 

[melody]

A Beautiful Blonde

A beautiful blonde walks into a bar, sits on a stool and orders a beer.
The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.
It hits the blonde woman and splashes all over her boobs.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and then licks the beer off her boobs.
Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens.
So, after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out.
The next time the bartender serves a beer and it hits her boobs,
the man jumps up, starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!
He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?'
"Helloooo!", says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'
=====================================================================
A Polack who'd recently come to the United States walked into a bar
one day carrying a pistol, a bag of shit, and a dead cat. He asked the
bartender for a shot of rye. He downed the whiskey, picked up the
pistol, and fired three shots into the bag of shit. Then he picked up
the dead cat and started gnawing.
The bartender asked the Polack what the hell he thought he was doing.
I want to be like American man," the Polack said. "Drink whiskey,
shoot the shit, and eat pussy."
=====================================================================
My blonde girlfriend told me, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to
rip me off, but I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker
fluid.
=====================================================================

Did you hear about the blonde skydiver?
She missed the Earth!

Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances to get pregnant?
She blew it both times!
=====================================================================
Confucius say...
Crowded elevator smells different to midget...

 

[melody]

Breast Fed

A young woman with a baby was shown into the examining room. The
doctor examined the baby and then asked the woman, "Is he breast fed
or bottle fed?"

"Breast fed," replied the woman.

"Strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

The woman did as she was told and the doctor examined her breasts.
He squeezed and pulled each one for a while and then he sucked hard on
each nipple. Finally he remarked, "No wonder this child is suffering
from malnutrition. You don't have any milk!"

"That's right," said the woman. "This is my sister's child."

"Well," said the startled doctor. "I had no idea. You shouldn't have
come."

"I didn't," replied the woman, "until you started sucking on my second
breast."

0000000

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this
problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never
smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least
20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was
farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next
week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know
what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still
silent... stink terribly."

"Good!" the doctor says, "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses,
let's work on your hearing."

0000000

This guy goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a lady
sitting by herself.
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you. Alcohol has a bad side-effect on for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they spread."

 

[melody]

What Guys Really Mean

**Keep this in mind next time he changes his font color**
*Green* - I love you!
*Blue* - I'm cool
*Purple* - I'm Sexy
*Pink* - I'm gay
*Red* - I'm feeling romantic
*Yellow* - I'm happy
*Orange* - I'm a psycho
*Aqua* - I'm sad
**What He Says...What he means**
He says: "I'll call you tomorrow!"
He means: "Be lucky If I ever call again!"

He says: "I just wanna be friends"
He means: "That's the excuse I could think of not 2 go out with u"

He says: "Lets go back to my place"
He means: "Lets get it on!"

He says:= "I like those pants!"
He means "I wonder how fast I can get them off of u!"

He says: "You look a lot better this year!"
He means: "Last year you were a dog!"

He says: "Yea, you look cute, I guess"
He means: "You are butt ugly!"

He says: "I like your shirt a lot"
He means: I like what's under more!"
/////
A guy found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it. The genie popped out
and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want."
The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer. "I want to be
hard all the time and get all the ass I want."
"As you wish," the genie replied.
So, the genie turned him into a toilet seat
/////
A man and his foreign wife are having sex. When finished she stands up and lets out an extremely loud fart. Her husband says, “Honey, what in the world was that?" His foreign wife replies, “Front side so happy, backside laughs out loud!"

 

[melody]

Breast Fed

A young woman with a baby was shown into the examining room. The
doctor examined the baby and then asked the woman, "Is he breast fed
or bottle fed?"

"Breast fed," replied the woman.

"Strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

The woman did as she was told and the doctor examined her breasts.
He squeezed and pulled each one for a while and then he sucked hard on
each nipple. Finally he remarked, "No wonder this child is suffering
from malnutrition. You don't have any milk!"

"That's right," said the woman. "This is my sister's child."

"Well," said the startled doctor. "I had no idea. You shouldn't have
come."

"I didn't," replied the woman, "until you started sucking on my second
breast."

0000000

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this
problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never
smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least
20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was
farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next
week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know
what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still
silent... stink terribly."

"Good!" the doctor says, "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses,
let's work on your hearing."

0000000

This guy goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a lady
sitting by herself.
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you. Alcohol has a bad side-effect on for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they spread."

 

[melody]

Buying Condoms

A man walked into the drugstore and shyly asked the pretty girl working there if he could buy some condoms.
Seeing his discomfort, the girl decided to have some fun.

She asked what size he needed. He said he didn't really know.
So the girl said they come in three sizes, and that there were three holes in the fence outside that they used for sizing tests.
He should go outside and put his tool to the test.

When he went outside, the girl snuck around the fence, when he put his tool through the first hole, she caught him and gave him a hand job.

When he put his tool in the second hole, she gave him oral sex.

When he put his tool in the third hole, she had her pants down and she took him inside herself.

When he was finished, the girl ran around the front.

He walked up and she asked, "So, what size do you need?"

He answered, "I've decided not to buy any condoms;
but I do want 8 feet of that fence!"

"""""

A popular whore house was visited by a lesbian. The lesbian
requested a 15 year old, and the madam replied: "I'm sorry, we
don't serve minors to lickers."
Why is having a good shit better than sex?
Because you don't have to kiss it afterwards
What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
~ A circus is a cunning array of stunts.

"""""

A male-to-female transexual was being interviewed on a radio talk show.
The DJ asked the transexual "What sort of pain did you experience
during the operation?"

The transexual replied, "Well, when they cut my penis off, that really
didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. Then they implanted the
breasts in my chest, well, that really didn't hurt too much either..."

"Then you didn't experience any real physical pain at all then?"

"You're joking! What really hurt was when they removed half my brain
and doubled the size of my mouth!"

 

[melody]

Hospital Benefactor

A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the local hospital. During her
tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my GOD!" said the woman. "That's disgraceful. Why is he doing that?" The
doctor that was leading the tour explained, "I am sorry, but this man has a
very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he
doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode and he will die within
minutes." "Oh, that's terrible," said the woman. In the very next room they
could see that a female nurse was performing oral sex on a different male
patient. "OH my GOD!" said the woman, "How can that be justified?" The
doctor replied, "Same illness, better health plan."
A woman went to the doctor and upon examination, was told that she
was going to need a root canal done. She asked the doctor if a root
canal would hurt. He said a little more than having a baby.
She said I would rather have a baby.
He said well make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.
=======
What does walking a tightrope across the Grand Canyon and
having an 80 year old woman give you a blow job have in
common?
~You just have to remember one thing --- Don't look down!!
What would you call a horny Eskimo dwarf?
~A "frigid midget with a rigid digit."
What's the most active muscle in a woman ?
~ The penis.

Redneck Love

When Van was just a youngster, he went to the chemist and asked the pharmacist, "Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?"
The chemist replied, "Son, do you know what condoms are used for?"
"Sure do. They keep you from getting venereal diseases."
The chemist was impressed. "That's right, son. Do you know what the ribs are for?"
Van paused and then answered, "Well, not really, but they sure do make the hair on my goat's back stand up!"

 

[melody]

You Know It's Time For A Diet When:

You dive into a swimming pool so your friends can go surfing.

You have to apply your makeup with a paint roller.

Weight Watchers demands your resignation.

You step on a pennyweight scale that gives you your fortune and it
says,
"One at a time please!"

Your face is so full that you look like you're wearing horn-rimmed
contact
lenses.

The bus driver asks you to sit on the other side because he wants to
make a turn without flipping over.

You're at school in the classroom and turn around and erase the entire
blackboard

They throw puffed rice at your wedding.

You hiccup in your bathing suit, and it looks like someone adjusting a
Venetian blind.

You fall down and try to get up, and in the process rock yourself to
sleep.

jkjkjk

On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, 'positive' messages on someone's
answering machine? They usually go something like this.......
"Hi, it's
a great day & I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The
thought for the day is, 'Share the love.' Leave your name & number
after the beep. I'll get right back to ya." >>

"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling..... Speaking of being
'positive', your test is back. STOP sharing the love!" Click.

jkjkjk

The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it
about time that she understood the facts of life.
"Liza," she began, "I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how
life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady's tummy and..."
"It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom," interrupted the daughter,
"but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm."

 

[melody]

The doctor tells his patient: "Linda, I have some good news and some
bad news."
Linda asks for the good news first.
"Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't
suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared."
"And the bad news?" Linda asks.
To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being a
natural bitch."
...

What's the most important question to ask when you want to have safe sex?
What time will your husband get home?
A couple is making out in the movies.
She says, "Harry, I think I just swallowed your gum."
He says, "No, I was just clearing my throat."
...

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister.
"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!" "Calm down,
my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think.
Every
marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna.
"But what am I going to do with the BODY?"
...

Q. Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A. Their shaky hands!
Q. What is better than a cold Bud?
A. A warm bush.
Q. Did you hear about the blind circumcisionist?
A. He got the sack.
Q. Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London?
A. They were REALLY pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.
...

There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
but now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
THERE once was a man from Rangoon
Who was born nine months too soon.
He didn’t have the luck to be born by a fuck
So he was scraped off the sheets with a spoon!
There was a young girl from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue
She said with a grin
If they pay to get in
"They can pay to get out of it too!"

 

[melody]

Temper Tantrum

A little boy was having a complete temper tantrum in the middle of the
sidewalk, blocking all passersby. One of them was a white haired old minister,
who leaned over and whispered something in the boy's ear. Immediately the
boy stopped crying and sat up, allowing pedestrians to proceed.
"Why, that was nearly a miracle, Reverend!" said the lad's mother. "I
have never been able to get such results with Rotten Billy. What did you
say to him, anyway?"
"I merely informed him that if he didn't shut the fuck up and move I was
going to kick his pathetic ass all the way to the moon."

mmmmm

Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson's latest project is with Barney?
A: It's Barney's new theme song (to the same tune as the old one):
I touch you, you touch me,
We don't tell your family . . .

Q: What are the most unfortunate words a doctor can choose to utter as a
comfort to a patient nervously awaiting a circumcision?
A: "It won't be long now."

Q: Did you hear about the first effort towards sexual application in the
genetic engineering of food?
A: They are trying to imbue the characteristics of a Mexican jumping bean
into a cucumber to create the world's first organic vibrator.

I knew a guy who was into bondage, bestiality, AND necrophilia but he finally
gave it up. He said it was too much like flogging a dead horse.

Q: What do lesbians usually do for dinner?
A: Eat out.

Q: How many straight male hairdressers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Both of them.

Q: How can you tell when your chick is too fat to fuck?
A: When you pull her panties down to her knees, and her pussy is
still in them.

Q: What is the difference between herpes and AIDS?
A: One is a love story, and the other is a fairy tale.

Q: What does a fag get after being shut in a room with 100 of his sex-crazed
peers?
A: About a quart.

 

[melody]

Police Jokes

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Peter. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Peter, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Peter, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
______

A guy is out one night with his girlfriend and they’re driving eighty miles an hour in his new sports car. She leans over to him, opens his fly, and reaches in. Suddenly a deer jumps in front of the car. He turns the wheel and finally comes to a rest. When the police get to the scene, the guy is still buckled in and alive. The cop says, “Your girlfriend was thrown from the car and killed. You sure are lucky.” “Lucky? Go look in her hand!”
______

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911. In less than five minutes, a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. I can't believe how materialistic you high rolling' lawyers are, he said. You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else. How can you say such a thing? asked the lawyer. The cop replied, didn’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you. OH MY GOD, screamed the lawyer, My Rolex!!!!
_________

Father O'Grady was saying his goodbye's to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
What's bothering you so, dear? inquired Farther O'Grady.
Oh, father, I've got terrible news. Replied Mary.
Well what is it, Mary? Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father.
Oh, Mary said the father, that's terrible.
Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?
Well, yes he did father, replied Mary.
What did he ask, Mary?
Mary replied, He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'

 

[melody]

Nasty Phunnies

Maria is sitting on her stoop eating a slice of pizza.
Two of her girl friends walk by and notice that she's not wearing
any underwear.
"Hey, Maria," one of them calls out, "Did you take off your
panties to keep yourself cool?"
"I don't know about keeping cool," she said, "but it sure keeps the
flies away from my pizza!"
ggggg
What's protein?
someone that's a girl who's too young to fuck.
Question: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a
telephone pole?
Answer: A twelve-foot cock that wants to reach out and touch
Question: What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
Answer: The wheelchair.
Question: If a man has a 10 inch cock growing out of the top of
his head, how much of it can he see?
Answer: He can't see any of it because his two balls are hanging in
his eyes.
Question: Why do farts smell?
Answer: The Lord put a smell in them so the deaf could enjoy them,
too.

Question: Why do men like big tits and tight pussys?
Answer: Because they have big mouths and little penises.
ggggg
Sadie Goldstein was on a safari. She was taking pictures when a
huge gorilla swung down out of a tree and carried her off to his lair,
where he ripped off her clothes and used and abused her in ways she had
never even heard about or thought possible.
Luckily, a rescue party found her while her captor was in search of
a banana, and took her back to civilization. While she was recuperating
in the hospital, her best friend came to visit.
"Sadie! Such a terrible experience, but at least you're alive."
Sadie was silent. "Sadie! Say something!"
"Say? What's to say? It's been two weeks; he doesn't call, he
doesn't write..."

 

[melody]

19 Things NOT To Say To The Police Officer

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been going 125 mph just to keep up
with me!
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be
a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish
high school instead.
9. I pay your fucking salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained
specialist?
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one
of us does.
14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence; bet I can
outrun you.
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they're too dumb
to work at McDonald's?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around--That's how
far they are ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my
gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal
and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

@@@@@@@@@@

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying
home
Because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" her boss asks to which she replied in a weak
Voice:
"I have a case of ANAL GLAUCOMA."
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
She explained:
"I can't see my ass coming in to work today."

@@@@@@@@@@

A depressed blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from
a tree in the park. A little bit later, a man was walking his dog and
spotted her hanging from the tree. He asked her what she is doing
and she replies, "I'm hanging myself." "You're supposed to put the noose
around your neck, not your waist,' said the onlooker. "I tried
that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breath."

 

[melody]

The Witness

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi
at the airport. It was after midnight.

While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness
as he suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch
her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back
and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied
when I told you I inherited money.

He paid for the new golf clubs I bought you. He paid for the Corvette
I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our
house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays
the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he
catches a cold."
=====
Why Men Get Out Of Bed
A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:
- 5% said it was to get a glass of water.
- 12% said it was to go to the toilet.
- 83% said it was to go home
=====
The teacher says, "Let's discuss what your fathers do for a living."
Mary says, "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts bad guys in jail."
Jack says, "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all sick people better."
The teacher says, to Dirty Johnny, "John, what does your Dad do ?"
Johnny says, "My Dad is dead."
... She says, "I'm sorry to hear that.
But what did he do before he died?"
Johnny says, "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."

 

[melody]

The Non-Erection Cure

There was a man who had a problem getting an erection so he goes to the
doctor. The doctor takes all kinds of tests and finally decides that he
can cure the man. The doctor tells the man to go home and wait until
his wife is asleep, and then to reach down between her legs and get a
little love juice on his finger and rub it under his nose, and that
this would stimulate his brain and then he would get an erection.

The man takes the doctor's advice and that night after his wife has
gone to sleep he reaches down between her legs and gets some of her
juice and he rubs it on his upper lip right under his nose. After a minute or
two he starts to feel a tingling between his legs, so he grabs some more
juice and rubs it under his nose. The next thing he knows he has a full
erection.
He is real excited he wakes up his wife to share in the good news. He
wakes her up and says look what I have. She rolls over and looked at
him and says "You wake me up at two in the morning to show me that you
have a Bloody Nose???


Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a jar of
peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

Q: What do blow jobs and flowers have in common?
A: After the first year they are only given on special occasions!
Q: In prison, how do they separate the men from the boys?
A: With a crowbar
_____

"Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?"
"I used two fingers."
"What for?"
"I needed a second opinion."
_____

little Johnny came over to Mary Sue's house...
they got bored and decided to play doctor....
Mary's mom walked out, and to her horror, Johnny had been eating her out...
her mom said,
"Mary, when your daddy get's home, your gonna get a good lickin!" Mary's response was,
"but Johnny has been doing it all day!"