JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

A Nude Beach

A couple takes their son on vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

Definitions

MADAM: One who offers vice to the lovelorn.

MARCONI: The first man to send a message through a length of spaghetti without it touching the sides.

MINE SHAFT: What a German calls his dick.

MONOLOGUE: A discussion between man and wife.

NONDESCRIPT: A television play.

ODIOUS: Not very good poetry.

ORGY: Grope therapy.

PARENTS: Couples who practice the Rhythm Method.

PEDESTRIAN: A motorist with teenage sons.

PIMP: Nookie Bookie.

PIMP: Public relations man for a public relations girl.

PORNOGRAPHY: Clitertature.

PREMATURE EJACULATION: The come before the scorn.

RACIAL DISPUTE: When the course judge calls for a photo.

RED RIDING HOOD: A Russian condom.

REFLECTION: What a girl looks at, but is not given to.

SAGE: A bloke who knows his onions.

SITTING PRETTY: Sitting Bull's gay brother.

SNOW JOB: How a woman defrosts her man.

SNUFF: Sufficient unto the day.

SONATA: A song sung by Frank.

SPECIMEN: An Italian astronaut.

STALEMATE: A husband who has lost his ardor.

TEAR JERKER: A bloke who cries while wanking.

TRUE LOVE: An injection with affection to the midsection from a projection without objection.

VICE SQUAD: The pussy posse.

VICE VERSA: Dirty poetry from Italy.

VIRGIN: A girl who whispers sweet nothing doings.

VIRGIN: A girl who won't take in what a guy takes out.

VIRGIN: Any Hicksville girl who can outrun her brothers.

VIRGIN SQUAW: Wouldn't Indian.

WELSH RAREBIT: A Cardiff virgin.

WET DREAM: A snorgasm.

ANTI-CLIMAX: Bore-gasm.

CORPORATE VIRGIN: New girl in the office.

DESPERATE STRAIGHTS: Sex-starved heterosexuals.

GAELIC: An Irish Lesbian.

INCEST: Relatively boring.

INCEST: A game for the whole family to play.

LUBRICATED CONDOMS: Bedroom slippers.

MASTURBATION: I-balling.

SELF-DECEPTION: Faking an organism during masturbation.
____________________

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring
cut off his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket
and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

Which is worse?
1) having your mistress find out you're married.
2) explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got.
========
A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"
========
A little boy walked in on his parents having sex. He sees his mom bouncing up and down on his dad, and he says "Mommy, what are you doing?" She said, "Well, daddy's too fat so I thought I'd try to flatten him out." The boy replied, "Why bother, every Tuesday the maid comes over and blows him back up again!"
========
Why is a woman like KFC?
......Because after that succulent breast and tender thighs all your left with is a greasy box to put your bone in!!!


Idiot Jokes

A guy at the bar sits down and sees a beautiful creature sitting at the other end of the bar. He calls the bartender over and says, “Bring me a whiskey, and buy that woman a drink.”
The bartender tells him, “Listen, pal. Save your money. She’s a lesbian.” “A lesbian?’ says the guy. “It doesn’t matter. Buy her a drink.”
The bartender brings the guy his whiskey and then gets a drink for the woman. Upon receiving her drink the woman looks over at the man, takes a sip, nods her thanks, and then looks away, retuning to her drink.
The man calls the bartender over and orders, “Buy her another drink! Whatever she wants!” I’m telling you,” the bartender tries to explain, “You’re wasting your money. She’s a lesbian.”
The man insists, and so the bartender gets the woman another drink. She nods her thanks to the guy, but that’s it.
This happens five or six more times, but the woman just sits over at the other end of the bar, minding her own business. By now, though, the guy is getting pretty looped, so he goes over to the woman and slurs, “Excuse me, can I ask you something?”
The woman replies, “Sure.” “So tell me,” says the guy, “where are from in Lesbia?"


There was this man who was just getting married, but he didn't know how to have sex. So he asked his dad, "What do I do?" His dad said, "Take a walkie-talkie with you and I will tell you what to do” So he gets married and carries his newly wed into the honeymoon suite and throws her on the bed. He walks into the other room and calls his dad on the walkie-talkie, "Dad, what do I do?" "Ok, first take off her clothes and start kissing her." So, he does what his dad said. Then he goes into the room and calls him, "Now what?" "Then you start touching her." So he starts to touch her. Then he goes back to the walkie-talkie, "NOW what?" "Ok, son," replies his dad. "Now here comes the best part. Take what you and me BOTH have.... and stick it into her!" So the man runs into the room and sticks the walkie-talkie into her.


A guy goes into a bar and tries to pick up on the barmaid. After many advances the barmaid gets fed up and tells him, “Look I'd really love to take you home but I'm on my menstrual cycle.” Not to be discouraged the fellow say’s “that’s all right I'll just follow you in my Hyundai".


One day a man was walking in the street. He met another man who asked him what happened to his ears as both were covered with bandages. He said "I was ironing my clothes when the phone bell rang. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron, and so I burnt my ears". The man asked, "So what happened to your other ear?" He said, " That same stupid guy called again!


A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from
the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the
window and yells "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and yells "FUCKING CUNT!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve,
he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.


A foolish man is making love. Afterwards he says to the woman, “What’s the matter?
Didn’t you like it?”
The woman says, “Of course I liked it. What gave you the idea that I didn’t?”
“Well,” says the man, “you moved.”

 

[melody]

5 Levels Of A Hangover

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively
well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still
feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak& fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you
have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is
only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the
fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some
definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds
you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to
drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed
watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3
iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else
you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and
has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but
that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For
the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the
bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair
hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five
shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who
enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually
annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping
out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust
in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to
get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability
to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the
foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this
morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge
of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole
purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all
over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now....

Real Or not?
(Very long, but very interesting)

*A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
*A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
*A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
*A snail can sleep for three years.
*All Polar bears are left-handed.
*American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
*Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
*An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
*Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
*Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
*Butterflies taste with their feet.
*Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.
*Cat's urine glows under a black light.
*China has more English speakers than the United States.
*Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
*Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
*Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
*Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
*February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
*Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
*I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language
*If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.
*If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
*If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
*If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
*If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
*In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
*In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
*It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
*Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
*Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
*Michael Jordan made more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
*More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
*No word in the English language rhymes with month.
*Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
*On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
*One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the '30s lobbied against hemp farmers, they saw it as competition.
*Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
*Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
*Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
*Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."
*Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
*Starfish haven't got brains.
*Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
*The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
*The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.
*The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
*The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
*The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
*The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
*The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
*The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
*The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
*The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
*The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
*The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
*The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
*The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
*The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
*The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
*There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
*TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
*Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
*You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
*You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
*You share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world.

****** DICTIONARY

ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

****** - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, ****** repulsive men or spending time around children.

EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

PRIG - a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married.

EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT:
Lost her boyfriend because she forgot where she laid him.
Thought that asphalt was rectum trouble.
Was called tapioca because she could be made in a minute.

 

[melody]

Chocolate vs. Sex

1) You can GET chocolate even if you are ugly and fat.

2) "If you love me, you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4) Two People of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7) If you bite the nuts too hard, the chocolate won't mind.

8) You can safely have a chocolate while you are driving.

9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

11) You can have chocolate any time of the month.

12) You don't get curly hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13) When you have chocolate it does not keep the neighbors awake.

14) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

15) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

16) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

17) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

18) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

19) Good chocolate is easy to find.

20) With chocolate, size doesn't matter.

21) You can have some dark chocolate if you want something different.

22) You can get creme filled chocolate and suck out the creme and swallow it.

Condoms

A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms, and a sales girl approached him.

Sales girl: Can I help you, Sir?

Young man: Yes, I want to buy some condoms.

Sales girl: What size do you need, Sir?

Young man: I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size I would need.

Sales girl: May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need?

As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance: "Give me a SMALL one... Wait! Make it MEDIUM...Wait! Make it LARGE... Shit! Give me a TISSUE !!!"
----
A blonde and a brunet are getting in the elevator, along comes this really hot guy. The girls noticed he has a really bad dandruff problem. The brunet whispers to the blonde, "Someone should give him head and shoulders", and the blonde says, "How do you give shoulders.
----
Three rich guys were telling each other what kind of antique auto they
were going to give their girl friends for Christmas. One guy said, "I'm
going to give my girl a Kaiser and surprise her." The next one said,
"I'm going to give my girl a Frazier and amaze her." The third guy said,
"I'm going to give mine a Tucker..."
----
There once was a man from Boston.
The car he drove was an Austin.
There was room for his ass
and a gallon of gas
but his balls hung out so he lost 'em.

There was a young lady of Spain
Whose face was excessively plain
But her cunt had a pucker
That made the men fuck'er
Again and again and again.

There was a young woman of Sydney
Who could take it clear up to the kidney.
But the thrust of Alphonse
Barely reached to her mons
So he left her unsatisfied, didney?

Annual Office Christmas Party

After the annual office Christmas party, John woke up with a pounding
headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of
the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to
make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of
him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad
as I think?"

"Oh, Even worse," she assured him, her voice laden with scorn. "You
made a complete ass of yourself! You succeeded in antagonizing the
entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the company
to his face."

John looked up and replied, "He's a jerk! Piss on him!"

"You did," Louise informed him. "And he immediately fired you."

"Well screw him and his whole board of directors," growled John.

Louise quickly remarked, "John, I'm really glad you feel that way...
because I did! You're back to work on Monday."

----

Q. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
A. Cuz they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
Said a specialty hooker named Jean,
Who made the Jacuzzi her scene,
"A rub-a-dub-dub,
Three men in a tub
Not only come close, they come clean.'

----

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with
each other for quite a long time. Urged on by their friends, they
decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long
conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed

finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject

of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about Sex?' he
asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses,
then leaned over towards her and whispered; 'Is that one word or
two?'

 

[melody]

The Morning After ...

I finally woke up that morning
Light was streaming, dawn was dawning.

My head and tongue a fuzzy mess
And on the floor there lay a dress.

So, gingerly, I felt across
The bed. I wondered, at a loss.

Of course - the party - too much beer
I can't remember getting here.

Between my legs I was aware
A nice erection standing there.

I'd better try and have a look
At who I hadn't meant to hook.

I turn to face the dress's owner,
Tight grip on my morning boner.

I prayed that in my drunken stagger
I hadn't bagged a true two-bagger*

Thank God, I thought, she's not a slag
No need to wear a paper bag.

A big girl though, there was no doubt.
Her folds of skin went in and out

And out and in and out and in
You'd never ever call her thin.

But I'm no image of perfection
And anyway - there's my erection.

So there she lay, within my reach,
More ripples than a sandy beach.

I shook her shoulder and woke 'er
Needing her conscious to poke 'er

She stretched, she yawned, she smiled at me
My red-hot cock pressed to her knee.

She glanced down, giggled and she spoke
"I can't eat that 'coz I might choke!

Hang ten, big boy, as you're willing,
I have a hole in need of filling."

I didn't need a little "please?"
Without delay I'm on my knees.

She kneels before me on the bed,
Her ass a foot above her head.

And as I gaze, inside my mind
I see a rhino from behind.

But when I grip on to her hide
I know I have to slip inside

I give my cock a mighty thrust
Into the object of my lust.

I knew I'd take her breath away
But hadn't guessed what she would say -

"You've got it wrong you fucking clown -
You should be fucking one hole down!"

Christ, I hadn't meant to hit her
Unfair and squarely in the shitter.

Although it slid in well before
Ouch - not so easy to withdraw!

But pretty soon I got it right
The other tube not quite so tight.

Her fat ass wobbled, I was brave
And clinging on I rode the wave.

She grunted, gasped and begged for more
I thrusted, slammed, called her a whore

I slapped her ass 'til it turned pink -
Her pussy got a milky drink.

I couldn't leave her up like that
I flipped her over, ate her cat.

Well, let's just say that in the end,
I made myself a fucking friend.


A woman is in the hospital in a coma and the nurses are giving her a sponge
bath, and as they touched her private parts they noticed a slight response.

They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as
this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of
the coma."

The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the
curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and
goes into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlines ..no pulse ... no heart
rate.

The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his
pants and says, "I think she choked."

*****
What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.
*****
There was a young man from St. Claire,
Who made love to his wife on the stair.
The banister broke,
So he doubled the stroke.
And finished it off in mid air.

*****
There was a young man named Dave,
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said, "What the Hell... you get
used to the smell, and look at
the money I save."

*****
How can you identify the Polack at a Cock fight?
He's the one who brought the duck.
How can you identify the Italian at the Cock fight?
He's the one who bets on the duck.
How can you tell if the Mafia is involved in the Cock fight?
If the duck wins,

Condom Slogans

THE FOLLOWING IS A LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK


Flying Intercom

A plane is flying over the Atlantic Ocean as the pilot is
finishing an announcement on the intercom. Putting the mike down, he
hits the Off switch. Unbeknownst to him, the switch
is malfunctioning and his conversation is broadcast into the
passenger area.
"Take over for awhile, Dave," the pilot says to his co-
pilot. "I think I'll go take a shit and then bang that new
stewardess."
At this statement the passengers fly into a frenzy of conversation
and gossip. The stewardess is greatly embarrassed
and can no longer stay at her post, so she hurries toward the
cockpit. But in her haste she trips and falls to her knees in the
aisle. She happens to land next to a sweet little old lady, who turns to
help her up. As she does, the lady says sweetly, "Don't rush, dearie; he
said he had to take a shit first."


What do you get when you cross a whore and a computer?
A fucking know-it-all!
~~
What's a Polish cocktail?
A glass of water with a booger in it.
~~
A Polish girl was stopped for speeding and hauled down to
the police station. The desk sergeant stood up, unzipped his fly,
and the girl cried out, "Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
~~
First Jew: "Do you like pussy cats?"
Second Jew: "Yes, I do, but Pussy Cohen is okay too!"
~~
Do you know what a gynecologist is?
A spreader of old wives' tails.
~~
What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
Answer: Gonorrhea!
~~
Question: What's 3 two-letter words that mean small?
Answer: "Is it in?"
~~
While baking a cake one day, a Polish mother was asked by her
little boy if he could lick the bowl. The mother said, "No, flush it
like everyone else does."
~~
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling,
this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His wife is lying in bed and replies: "That's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I wasn't talking to you."

 

[melody]

Killer Biscuits
Only in America...

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Lisa Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Lisa replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Lisa is a blonde.

=====

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich 1.50
Chicken Sandwich 2.50
Hand Job 10.00
Checking his wallet he finds one single tenner, he walks up to the bar beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?", "I was wondering", whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "Indeed I am." The man replies, "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich."

=====

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead enter an elevator. As they walk in they notice a small puddle of white liquid on the floor of the elevator. The brunette bends down for a closer look, and states, very matter of fact, "It looks like cum". The redhead stoops down a little closer, takes a deep breath through her nose, and proclaims, "Yes, and it smells like cum". The blonde stoops down yet closer, puts the tip of her finger into the puddle, touches it to her tongue and exclaims, "Well, it's nobody from our building."

25 More Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say:

11. I think belching is really sexy.
12. Sure, I'd love for us to have three-way sex with my best friend.
13. Why don't you go out with your friends to see the strippers tonight?
14. I could never be with any other man, but I don't mind at all if you see other women.
15. I insist that you always put your mother before me.
16. I love a good cigar after sex.
17. I think we should spend our life savings and buy a big, old bass boat.
18. Move over, I'm driving. I love city traffic.
19. The smell of oil and gas makes me horny. Let's do it on the workbench.
20. That porn star Dixie Dynamite sounds like one heads-up chick. I wish I could meet her one day.
21. It's so romantic when you pull out and cum on my back.
22. Let's skip that stage show with Mel Gibson and go watch the Tyson fight at a bar.
23. Hey, we didn't have sex last night!
24. That shirt doesn't smell bad enough to need washing. Wear it again today.
25. Your buddies tell the best stories. I could listen to them all day.
26. I understand.
27. You don't swear enough.
28. I love it when you finger me while you drive.
29. Let's stay at that dirty, old motel on the highway. It's cheaper and we can spend the money we save on beer.
30. Don't fix the toilet, I'll just keep going in the bushes outside.
31. Sure, you can wear your old cowboy boots at our wedding. They go with anything.
32. Sleeping with all the guys on the softball team doesn't make that girl a slut! She's just really friendly.
33. I farted again. Lift the covers so we can smell it.
34. Don't dirty a knife or fork, eat with your hands like me.
35. Oh yeah, any hole you want.

A Local Strip Club

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling
or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing
himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local
strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his
usual Budwieser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says,
"You must come here a lot for that woman to know that you drink
Budweiser."

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League.
We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around
Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the
club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she
can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming
at him.

The cabby turns his head and says,
"Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave!"

*****
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

*****
A blonde goes over to her friends' house wearing a T.G.I.F.
tee-shirt. "Why are you wearing a 'Thank God it's Friday' tee- shirt
on Monday?" "Oh damn!" the blonde says, "I thought it meant 'Tits Go
In Front'!"

*****
Little Miss Druggy sat in her buggy,
Smoking an ounce of weed.
Along came a spider
Who sat down beside her
And sold her a pound of speed.

 

[melody]

Out Rhyme The Bartender

A woman walked into a bar and she saw a sign above the bar that read=20
'Out Rhyme the Bartender, Place Your Bets'.

So the lady put $20 on the bar and the bartender said
"Let's hear it."
"Two and two is four, four and five is nine,
I can tell you the length of yours,
but you don't know the depth of mine."

Stumped, the bartender matched the lady's bet, and she
finished her drink and left. She walked into another bar and
she saw the sign above the bar that read

'Out Rhyme the Bartender, Place Your Bet's'. So the lady put
the $40 dollars on the bar and said,

"Two and two is four, four and five is nine,
I can tell you the length of yours,
but you don't know the depth of mine"

The bartender said "You've got me stumped" and the lady left
with the $80 dollars. It was getting late, so she figured that she
would stop in one more bar before she went home.

Again she saw the sign that read 'Out Rhyme the Bartender, Place Your
Bets'.
The lady, pretty confident by this time, placed the $80 on the bar and
recited her rhyme

"Two and two is four, four and five is nine,
I can tell you the length of yours
but you don't know the depth of mine."

The bartender said "That's a good one", and the lady started to reach
for the money on the bar. The bartender stopped her by putting his
hand over the money and looked into her eyes and said,

"Two and two IS 4, four and five IS nine,
but I can piss in yours, you can't piss in mine."

-----

Q. How can you tell a head nurse?
A. She's the one with the dirty knees!
Q. What do you call three lesbians in bed together?
A. Ménage é twat.
Q.What do you call hemorrhoids on a fag?
A. Speed bumps.
Q. What is the noisiest thing in the world?
A. Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.
Q. What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A. A pubic hair.
Q. Define "Egghead:"
A. What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

Buckwheat And Darla

Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla: "How do
you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
She says, "Buckwheat is dumb."
The teacher says, "Now spell 'stupid.'"
Darla says, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."
When the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell
dictate."
Buckwheat stands and says, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Buckwheat ponders for a few seconds, then spurts out, "I may be dumb
and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"
--------
Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.
"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull
the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine what's that?", she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone."
-------
What's the difference between a drug pusher and a hooker?
The hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

If size doesn't matter, how come my girlfriends vibrator isn't three
inches long and crooked?
-------
A young boy knows about sex and where babies come from because his
mother told him that "the man puts his penis inside the woman and she
gets pregnant." A few days later, after pondering this for some time,
the boy asks in all the innocence and wonder of a child, "Does the man
ever get his penis back??"

Think you know everything?

1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back on the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand ..now you know everything.

 

[melody]

Seedy, Seedy, Seedy!!

This seedy looking girl walked into a seedy looking bar. A
couple of seedy looking customers stood at the other end.
"Gimme a Rheingold," she said.
She took the glass of beer and swallowed it with one gulp. Then she
fell to the floor in a dead faint.
"Come, give me a hand," the bartender called to the two seedy
looking customers. The two men helped the bartender carry her into the
back room and laid her on the bed. One of the seedy men glanced around
and said, "Listen. Nobody'll know. How about we all give her a quick
fuck?"
They did just that. An hour or so later, she came to and said,
"Where am I? What time is it? I've got to get home." And out she went.
Next afternoon, there were six men hanging around the bar when the
same girl came in, walked up to the bartender and said, "Gimme a
Rheingold."
She drank it down in one gulp and then fell to the floor in a dead
faint.
The men carried her to the back room and the fucking performance was
repeated, except that now there were seven, including
the bartender.
The next day when she came in, there were twenty-four men, all
waiting around.
"Gimme a Rheingold," she said. She swallowed it in one gulp, fell
to the floor in a dead faint, and was carried to the back room, where all
twenty-four men fucked her.
When she arrived on the fourth day, the word had really gotten
around, and there were more than seventy seedy men in the bar, waiting
eagerly with lustful eyes and eager cocks. As she walked up to the bar
on this fourth day, the bartender pushed a glass of beer toward her.
"You want your Rheingold, Miss?" he said.
"No," she said. "You better give me a Schlitz. That Rheingold
makes my pussy hurt."

99999

Viagra For The Old

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terribly, doctor, terribly."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

The Original Dictionary Of Obscure Sexual Terms:

Angry Dragon -- Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.

Arabian Goggles -- A "seldom-seen" maneuver when you put your testicles over her eye sockets while getting head. (Picture it: ass on forehead) It may be anatomically impossible, but what the fuck else is new.

The Bait N' Tackle -- The sailors used this one in the old Navy days. Before you go off for a long, lonely voyage, get yourself a tall jar and fill it completely with earthworms. When you get lonely, open the jar and fuck away. The earthworms will provide some slithery stimulation, and your protein load will keep them nicely fed. Gone fishing!

Ballsacking -- Takes some luck of the gene pool, but if you're able to do it, always great fun. While you are straddling her, take your nutsack and spread it out over her face like pizza dough.

Bear Claw -- A synonym for extremely large pussy lips.

Beef Curtain -- The shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-Doh from an hour or so of jimmy-jam.

Beer Dick -- This is what most guys get after a good night of drinking. They tend to fuck anything with a pussy while experiencing beer dick.

Blumpy -- You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her sucking you off while you are on the shitter.

The Bronco -- You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab her tits as tight as possible and yell another girls name. This gives you the feeling of riding a wild bronco as she desperately tries to buck you off.

Brown Bagging It -- Sometimes you meet a girl with a body like there's no tomorrow but a face like a mangy dog. Don't let that body go to waste and let her hideousness stop you from fucking her though. Just draw the smiley face on a brown paper bag, place it over her head, and fuck away while keeping your composure and piece of mind.

Brown Necktie -- You're about halfway through ass-wrecking a chick, and instead of filling up her keister with your demonseed, you pull out and proceed to tittie fuck her, leaving a brown streak between the funbags.

Brunski -- When a man puts his face between a woman's breasts and quickly moves his head back and forth while saying "Brunski" in a very drawn out and exaggerated manner. (There are many other variant names.)

The Bullwinkle -- The sign given to a friend in hiding while doggie styling' some chick. It is performed by placing both hands over the head, with palms facing out and waving wildly. Can be supplemented by shouting "Hey Rocky." (Make sure to use appropriate Bullwinkle voice tone.)

Butter Face -- When you see a chick with an awesome body, "but her face", is nasty.

The Canine Special -- Liberally apply peanut butter to your dick and call over the family dog. Lick Ubu lick. Good Dog. Arf!

The Carpet Cleaner -- While banging a girl doggy style, tie her arms behind her back, lift up her hips, and run around the room pushing her face first across the carpet. Not recommended with large women.

The Chili Dog -- When you take a hot dump on a girl's tits and then proceed to titty fuck her.

Chocolate Pizza -- Happily discovering hemorrhoids while eating a shitty brown eye.

Cleveland Steamer -- The act of leaving a shit stain on the rib cage of a woman while receiving penile pleasure from friction between the mammaries.

Cock-Stuffing -- Apparently somewhat on the fringe in gay circles, but involves using thin, cylindrical items (thermometers, wire, rubber worms, etc.), and inserting them into the dick hole. Over many months, continue to gradually ream out the hole-at-the-head with larger items, thus ultimately allowing your "buddy" to obtain the goal of fucking your urethra. Wow!

Cold Lunch -- The act of vomiting directly onto some chick's head while she's performing fellatio.

The Concoction -- First, ejaculate all over the floor. Next, have your psycho bitch girlfriend menstruate on your semen. Stir it with your finger until you get a nice thick pink mixture. Proceed to paint yourselves up silly, just as if you were in kindergarten again.

Cop's Delight -- The act of taking a girl in the ass, pulling out, and spewing all over her "pastry buns", thus transforming her rump into the allusion of an over sized, quivering glazed donut.

The Corkscrew -- Cross your fingers, middle over index. Twist your wrist back and forth and go to work on your desired orifice. With practice, you'll have the effectiveness of a dill press and within weeks you'll be able to bore through wood.

The TRUE Story Of Jack And Jill.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jack pulled down his pants.
Jill said, "What's that?"
Jack said, "I don't know."
Jill pulled down her pants and
Jack said "EWE!! What's that?"
Jill said, "I don't know."
And then they went home.

Later on, Jill went to her mom
and pulled down her pants.
Jill said, "mommy, what is that?"
and her mom said,
"that's your garage,
never ever let a car park on your garage."
Jack went to his dad and pulled down his pants.
Jack said, "daddy, what's this?"
His dad said
"That's your car,
don't park a car in anyone's garage till you're older."

The next day Jack and Jill went up the hill again.
Jack pulled down his pants and Jill said,
"Ewe, what IS that?
Jack said, "That's my car,
I'm not supposed to park my car in anyone's garage."
Jill pulled down her pants and Jack said
"Ewe, what IS that?
Jill said, " that's my garage,
I'm not so posed to let any car park in my garage."
And then they went home.

Jill's mom saw Jill come in and asked
why she had blood all over her hands.
Jill says, "Jack tried to park his car
in my garage so I ripped off his back tires!!"

@@@

This boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy???!!!" "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up."

"I've already said NO, and NO!"

"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

"My love.. don't be like that.."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her night gown with hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says."

Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will comedown and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

Sonofabitch

There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and
spitting.

He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "Damn,
that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that sonofabitch can
drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive"... then spit.

A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here? You
keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit."

"Well," says the guy, "my friend just got a brand new sports car, so
he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride.
So, I say sure, why not?
He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains.
After we
have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!!
He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed
and the road is all twisty and curvy.
We're going faster and faster,
and it's hard to stay on the road.
I've got my fingers embedded in
the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!!
We're
going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot
drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler truck right on our butts, and an
overturned motor home right in front of us.
Well, I figure this is
it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turned to him and said,
"Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow
job you've ever had!"

He paused ... then spit. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN **DRIVE**!!"

======

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

 

[melody]

Boyfriends Parents House

A woman goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. This is to
be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They
all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning
to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the
broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other
choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty
little fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before
she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father
looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet,
and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!!!"
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her
face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain
again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and
longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!!!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought, 'yes!' A few minutes later
the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even
think about it.
She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

()()()

A lawyer, an economist, and a teacher were going to the bathroom. The lawyer gets done, washes his hands, and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands. He says "I was taught to be thorough." The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel. He says "I was taught to be environmentally friendly." The teacher gets done and leaves without washing his hands. He says "I was taught not to piss on my hands."
()()()
I went into the Shell gas station this morning and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
Man: "God, why you make woman so beautiful?"
God: "So you would love her."
Man: "But God, why you make her so dumb?"
God: "So she would love you!"

The Womanizer

A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him,
until he betrayed the wrong woman-- a practicing witch.
The morning after she caught him with another girl,
he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead.
He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to
ridiculous proportions throughout the day.
In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician who examined
the man and ran tests on the strange tissue.
By now the bump was three inches long, and starting to take
an oddly familiar shape.
"What is this thing growing out of my head, Doctor?"
"We've run every test we know to confirm the findings,"
he said gravely,
"but they all tell us the same thing.
The bump in your forehead is developing into a fully grown penis."
"I can't believe this! Isn't there anything you can do?"
"I'm afraid not. Removing it would kill you."
"I'll be a freak! No woman will come near me!"
"There's more," said the Doctor.
"You're going to experience vision problems."
"Will I go blind, Doc?" said the man.
"No, you'll just have trouble seeing with testicles
hanging in front of your eyes."


Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"
"I couldn't even get on the fucking bed

Real Leprechaun

A guy is in a bus station, and goes into the men's room to piss. When he walks in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous dick he had ever seen. As he pees, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him if he is indeed a real leprechaun.
The little man says, "Aye me boy, I'm a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes."
"Oh neat," comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"
"Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick until I come." The man is a bit taken aback, but agrees, because he knows he can wish for anything he wants later. After the green man has come, he starts to walk away.
The guy says, "Hey, what about my three wishes?" The leprechaun asks, "How old are you me boy?"
"25," he says.
"Aren't you a bit too old to still be believin' in leprechauns?"

,,,,,:

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?
A: A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.

Q: Why do men have assholes?
A: So they won't be total pricks.

Q: Why do women take longer than men to reach orgasm?
A: Who cares?

Q: Why are there so many homes for battered women?
A: Because they just don't fucking listen!!

Q: What's considered foreplay in Arkansas?
A: When the man says, "Brace yourself, Linda Lou."

Q: How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry?
A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she's old enough. If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit.

Q: What did the maxi pad say to the fart?
A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

Q. How do you re-fit an old whore?
A. Shove a five pound ham up her pussy and pull out the bone.

A girl is watching her father shower. She points to his penis and says, "Daddy, when will I get one of those?" He looks at his watch and says, "When your mother leaves for work!"

Seedy, Seedy, Seedy!!

This seedy looking girl walked into a seedy looking bar. A
couple of seedy looking customers stood at the other end.
"Gimme a Rheingold," she said.
She took the glass of beer and swallowed it with one gulp. Then she
fell to the floor in a dead faint.
"Come, give me a hand," the bartender called to the two seedy
looking customers. The two men helped the bartender carry her into the
back room and laid her on the bed. One of the seedy men glanced around
and said, "Listen. Nobody'll know. How about we all give her a quick
fuck?"
They did just that. An hour or so later, she came to and said,
"Where am I? What time is it? I've got to get home." And out she went.
Next afternoon, there were six men hanging around the bar when the
same girl came in, walked up to the bartender and said, "Gimme a
Rheingold."
She drank it down in one gulp and then fell to the floor in a dead
faint.
The men carried her to the back room and the fucking performance was
repeated, except that now there were seven, including
the bartender.
The next day when she came in, there were twenty-four men, all
waiting around.
"Gimme a Rheingold," she said. She swallowed it in one gulp, fell
to the floor in a dead faint, and was carried to the back room, where all
twenty-four men fucked her.
When she arrived on the fourth day, the word had really gotten
around, and there were more than seventy seedy men in the bar, waiting
eagerly with lustful eyes and eager cocks. As she walked up to the bar
on this fourth day, the bartender pushed a glass of beer toward her.
"You want your Rheingold, Miss?" he said.
"No," she said. "You better give me a Schlitz. That Rheingold
makes my pussy hurt."

99999

Viagra For The Old

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terribly, doctor, terribly."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

 

[melody]

The Seizure

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few
drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed. They're having
a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic
seizure. She was shaking and foaming at the mouth.

Our uninformed male thought this was incredible, the best
sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking
and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get
nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked
what the problem was and he replied,

"I think her orgasm's stuck!"

=====

If I had a rooster, and you had a donkey, and your donkey
ate my rooster's legs... what would you have?
Two feet of my cock in your ass.

=====

"After 10 years of marriage, sex with my wife is down
to three times a year."
=====
"Same here pal. As a matter of fact, if mine wouldn't
sleep with her mouth open, I'd have none at all."
There was this guy riding down the road when he sees this pretty young lady standing with her thumb out. The driver pulls over and offers her a ride.

She gets in and later on down the road she says, 'My name is June Hanson.' He says, 'My name is Gene Snow.' Later on down the road she looks over at him and says, 'Why do you keep sizing me up?' He says, 'I was just wondering what it would be like to have eight inches of Snow in June.'

Penis Treatment

Jack goes to the doctor and says, "Doc I'm having trouble getting my
penis erect. Can you help me?"

After a complete examination, the doctor tells Jack, "Well, the problem
with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged.
There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an
experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?"

"Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from
the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently, then says, "Well, the thought of going
through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for
it."

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use
his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his
girlfriend
and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the
middle of
dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point
of being painful. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His
penis
immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table,
grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile,
"That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

With his eyes watering, Jack replied, "Well, I guess so, but I don't
think I
can fit another roll up my ass."


A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that
her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible!" says the doctor.
"Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams,
then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes
her
knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere
she
touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she
says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken.

Diagnostic Machine

This guy goes to the doctor due to a wicked headache that's been hanging
around for over a week. He asks the doc if he could provide something to
make it go away.
The doc has just purchased a new diagnostic machine (similar to those used to
diagnose car problems, except this one diagnoses humans), and he's been
dying to try it out on his first patient.
He says to the guy "not only will this thing tell you what's wrong with you,
but it will even prescribe a remedy. All you need to do is provide a urine sample,
which I will then pour into this funnel at the top.
The guy does as instructed, the doc pours the sample into the analyzer,
then after about 20 seconds of beeping noises, buzzing,
and flashing lights the machine spits out a piece of paper into the bottom tray.
The doc picks up the paper, reads it, and then says, "you have tennis elbow".
The guy says, "that doesn't make sense. I don't even play tennis,
and my elbow feels fine. My head on the other hand is fucking killing me..."
At this point the doc interrupts and says, "nonsense, this device doesn't lie.
I want you to go home and soak that elbow overnight and then come back
and see me tomorrow morning, and don't forget to bring another urine sample with you."
The guy leaves, but on the way home decides that this doctor is full of shit.
He then has an idea.
Once home, he finds a mason jar and deposits a small urine sample into it.
He then gets his wife, daughter, and dog to also make a contribution.
Not satisfied with this he scrapes some oil off the garage floor under where his car is
parked and drops that into the mix, and for the icing on the cake he chokes his
chicken long enough to get the desired results, drops that into the jar, seals the lid,
and then gives the concoction a good shake.
"There ya go, doc. Stick that up your computer!"
Next A.M. he hands the doc the jar. Doc pours the contents into the machine.
This time it takes a full 10 minutes for the paper to drop.
Doc picks it up and begins reading:
"Your wife's pregnant, your daughter's
fucking the entire football team at Richmond High,
your Doberman has rabies,
your Volvo needs an oil change, and if you don't quit spanking your monkey
you'll never get rid of this tennis elbow!"

*****
What are the three good things about being women?
1. You can bleed without cutting yourself
2. You can bury a bone without digging a hole
3. You can make a guy cum without calling him
*****
What's the difference between stress, tension & panic?

STRESS is when wife is pregnant.
TENSION is when girlfriend is pregnant.
PANIC is when both are pregnant.

A Check-up

A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up.

The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up.

So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer?"

The girl replied, "...uh ...not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."

"Okay...let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested.

"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried.

"Okay then," so he put the thing in the girls butt.

Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!"

The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."

&&&&&

A young girl is feeling under the weather so she goes to the family doctor. “Young lady,” says the doctor, “you’re pregnant.”

“But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists, and in our colony we practice sex only with our eye.”

“Well, my dear,” said the physician, “someone in that colony is cock-eyed.”

&&&&&

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions", he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

&&&&&

A distraught man goes to see a psychologist.
“How may I help you?’ the doctor asks.
“Doc, every night, I have the same dream. I’m lying in bed and a dozen women walk
in and try to rip my clothes off and have wild sex with me.”
“And then what do you do?” the shrink asks.
“I push them away,” the man says.
“Then what do you want me to do?” the shrink asks.
“Break my arms!”

 

[melody]

Two Little Boys

Two little boys are sitting in the living room watching TV with their
parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod
toward upstairs. The father "gets" the message, and they both get up and
heads toward the stairs.
The mother turns back to the two boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a
minute. You two stay here and watch TV we'll be right back, OK?"
Two boys nod OK, and the parents take off upstairs. The older of the two
boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and
tiptoes upstairs. AT the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad's
bedroom and shakes his head.
Back downstairs he goes to his little brother, "Come with me," he says,
and the two little boys' tiptoe up the stairs.
Halfway up, the older brother turns to the other and says, "Now I want
you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust your ass for
sucking your thumb.

]]]]]

Really Gross!!

Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner,
Playing with Grandma's twat.
He stuck in his pinky,
Pulled it out stinky

]]]]]

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant.
This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has
any questions.

She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How
much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman
and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to
describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

Smooth Skin

A guy walks into a pub to meet his mates for a beer.

They are amazed at how healthy he is looking. In particular he has fantastically good looking smooth skin on his face with a totally radiant glow.

"Jim you are looking fit and healthy. Started a new diet?"

"Nope," says Jim.

"So, you've joined a fitness club then?"

"Nope," says Jim.

"But your face looks so fresh and healthy. Let us in on the secret Jim. What are you doing?"

"I've got a new girl friend," says Jim.

"But how does that get you healthy looking smooth skin on your face?"

"Well" says Jim, "my new girl friend has got the hairiest pussy I've every seen. In fact she's like a wire brush down there!"

*****

A little lad asked his mom "is it bad to have a willy"? No, said his mother why?
Cause daddy is upstairs trying to pull his off

Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A. You give him a used tampon and ask what period it from.


Q. Why do ballerinas wear leotards?
A. So they don't stick to the floor when they do the splits

Q. Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?

A. Bachelors go to the fridge see nothing they want and go to bed. Married men go to bed see nothing they want and go to the fridge.
*****
Two sperms are swimming along after being ejaculated, one turns to the other and says "I’m exhausted, how much further to the egg?" the other replies... “We’ve got a long way to go yet, we've just past the tonsils
Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
Extra traction in the mud!


Q. Why do brides wear white?
A. So the dishwasher matches the fridge and stove

*****

A guy goes to the doctor. He says to the doctor, "Doc, you got to help me, I've had this erection for weeks. It hurts so bad, I can't put up with it anymore. So, can you help me?" The doctor says, "I can help you." So he licks his two fingers and smacks the guy's dick. Then a bug flew off and his dick went back to normal. Then the guy said, "Doc, I feel great now! How much do I owe you?" The doctor says, "Find me that bug and you don't owe me nothing'."
*****
A woman was walking by in a bar when a man stopped in front of her and rubbed his nose with his hand.
The woman, confused and irritated, asked, “What are you doing?!"
The man replied with a smile, “Just clearing a place for you to sit."

Little Old Lady

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one
day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she
must speak with the president of the bank to open a
savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After
much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally
ushered her into the president's office (the customer
is always right!).The bank president then asked her
how much she would like to deposit.

She replied, $165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her
bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she
came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm
surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where
did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I
make bets."

The president then asked,"Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you
$25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet.
You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take
my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that
my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there
is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer
with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the
bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror
checking his balls, turning from side to side, again
and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he
was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls
were square, and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little
old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's
office.

She introduced the lawyer to the president and
repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls
are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old
lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all
see.

The president complied.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls, and
then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot
of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly
banging his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's
the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that
at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's
president's balls in my hand."

Confused Little Johnny

Little Johnny came home from school one day confused. His mother was
Jewish and his father was Black. So Johnny asks, Mommy am I more
Jewish or more Black?

What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just
have to ask your father, his mother tells him.

So, when his father arrived home from work, Little Johnny asks the
same question, Daddy, am I more Jewish or more Black?

What kind of question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more

Jewish or more Black? asks dad.

Well, it's like this dad ... Tommy down the street wants to sell his
bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to talk him down to $25,
or wait until it's dark and steal the thing.


Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
They don't know the route.

What does a blonde do when someone says its chili outside?
She grabs a bowl.


The Italian says, When I've a finisheda makina da love with my
girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she
floats a 6 inches abov'a da bed in ecstasy.

The Frenchman replies, Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished
making ze lovewith ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body
and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12
inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy.

The Redneck says, That's nothing buddy. When I've finished doin
it to myolady I get out of bed, walks over to the window and wipes
my dick on the curtains.
She hits the freaking roof!!!

 

[melody]

FOOTBALL MOVES IN SEX

Hike = Up the rear
Reverse = 69
Sack = Girl takes control and gets frisky
2-pt. conversion = multiple orgasms
Prevent Defense = Condom/protection
Face Mask = guy pulls girl head down to blow him
Shotgun = Touchdown in a car
Two minute warning = Guy gives the girl a warning before he blows
his load.
Holding = Cuddling
Super bowl = Wedding or Prom night
Huddle = Multiple participants
Madden '99 = Cyber sex
Instant replay = When you tape the two of you having sex
Illegal Use of the hands = Masturbation
Ball Hog = Slut
Onside Kick = Making up after a fight
Double Header = Two mates in the same night
Tight End = Virgin
Wide Receiver = Girl that's loose
False Start = Guy/Girl gets shut down (denied)
Pass Interference = Some stupid kid interrupts before you can get some
Fumble = cheating (problem in the relationship)
Putting it through the uprights = self explanatory
Special Teams = Prostitute/Gigolo
Unsportsmanlike Conduct = Bragging to your friends about your activities
Double Coverage = Two condoms
-------
Ode To My Ex

I do not want you anywhere
Not in my house
Not in my chair
Not outside
Inside
Up the stair
Not in my car
Not in my shop
Not anywhere you slimy sot

Not sitting
Standing
Laying down
Not here
Not there
Not anywhere
Not on my porch
Not in my yard
Not by my truck
You lousy fuck

So stay away
You dirty Louse
I do not want you at my house

A Little Doggie

A little girl is walking along in the park when she comes across 3
little dogs sitting there. She bends down to stroke the first dog and
says "How are you today little doggy"?
To her utmost surprise the dog answers "I am very happy and contented,
and have been going in and out of puddles all day".
The girl then turns to
the second dog and says " How are you today little doggy"?
The dog answers "
I am very happy and contented, and have been going in and out of puddles all day".
The girl then turns to the third dog and say "Little doggy you don't
look as happy and contented as the other two, why would this be"
At this the third dog answers "because my name is Puddles"
===

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey..." asked the brunette at the wheel ,"Any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them.
"Yeah.......looks like it..."
"Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again......
"Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....."
===
What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
===
Confucius say...Man with athletic fingers-makes broad jump!
===
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
===
Why do Jewish women like circumsized men best?
Because Jewish women like 10% off ANYTHING!!

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.

One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.

And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store.
Amen.

@@@

Creation:
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.

Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' .."

After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing
around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and
firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his
desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes,
as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless
you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two
dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth.

Ruined the whole fucking thing.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING TOO OLD WHEN:

1. Your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you have to reply,
"Well, I can't do both."
2. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, but you're barefoot.
3. You see a Serious Babe, and all that happens is, your pacemaker opens your garage door.
4. You don't care WHERE your wife goes, as long as you don't have to go along.
5. You are getting warnings to slow down from your doctor, instead of from the police.
6. "Getting a little action" means you have enough fiber in your diet.
7. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the mall parking lot.
8. An "all-nighter" means you don't have to get up out of bed to piss once.
========
Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint
she replied that she suffered from a discharge.
He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table.
She did so.... The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her
"private parts."
After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?"
"Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear."
========
Kathy and Suzy are having a conversation during there lunch break.
Kathy asks, "So, Suzy, how's your sex life these days?"
Suzy replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind."
"Social Security?" Kathy asked quizzically.
"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."

 

[melody]

An Amish Boy

A young Amish boy, Little Johnny, is sitting on his bed reading
The Bible. Suddenly, his father storms in, grabs him and drags
him out into the pasture. In the pasture is one sheep chewing
grass. His father points to the sheep and says, "Thou hast had
sex with yon sheep!"

Little Johnny kneels and says, "Father forgive me for I did
indeed spill my seed in yon lowly beast."

Saddened his father says, "Thou art forgiven my son. But know
this... there will be REAL trouble if I taste it again!!!"

TTTTT

Two kids playing in a lane found a donkey who had died with a
hard on.

Being the mischievous kind of boys, they cut off the donkey's
dick and began brandishing it in the air.

Just then, a police officer on his bicycle came up the lane, and
the boys not wanting to be caught with it, tossed it over the
wall of the Nunnery.

Sister Agnes and Sister Mary taking their afternoon stroll found
the dick in the bushes. "Oh sweet Jesus," says Sister Agnes.

"What's wrong?" asks Sister Mary. "You've gone as white as a
sheet."

"It's those dirty protestant bastards," Sister Agnes replies.
"They have murdered Father O'Toole!"

TTTTT

Bear and Rabbit are side by side, shitting in the woods. Bear
looks at Rabbit and asks, "Do you have trouble with shit
sticking to your fur?"

Rabbit says, "No, not at all."

So the Bear picks up the Rabbit and wipes his ass with him.

Nasty Dirty Chit!

Q. What do you call a female copper who shaves her pubic hair?
A. Cuntstubble

Q. What do Prince Charles and a tampon have in common?
A. They are both stuck up cunts.


A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. She tells the man,
"Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held
against you."
The drunk replies, "Tits."

Limerick humor:

Mary had a little shock
For men who wanted fanny
She made them grope her throbbing cock
coz Mary was a trannie

The cunt is a hole that never heals.
The more you rub it the better it feels
and all the soap from here to hell
can never get rid of that fuckin smell

There was a young man from Maricious
who said 'wow that shag was delicious
but the next time I cum
It’ll be up your bum
Coz that scab on ya cunt looks suspicious!!

A hooker of note called Miss Flux
would charge at least 200 bucks
but for that she would suck you
and jerk off and fuck you
the whole thing was simply Deluxe

Sing a song of syphilis, a fanny full of crabs
Four and twenty blackheads, twice as many scabs
When the heads popped open, The crabs began to sing
Wasn't that a filthy cunt to put your penis in!!


A woman is standing naked in the bathroom in front of the mirror,
touching and fondling her breasts. Her husband walks in and asks, "What
the hell are you doing?"

His wife replies, "I've just been to the doctor and he told me that I
had the breasts of a 20 year old."

"Humph," grunted her husband, "What did he say about your fifty year old
cunt?"

"To tell you the truth, dear, he didn’t even ask about you."

Care Package

A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi a few months ago. So she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.

Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his best friend's ding dong. After a few seconds, he blows his load in her pie hole and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."

I love to suck a great big tit
inch by inch, bit by bit,
I love to see her big breasts bare
they make my cum fly through the air.

Oh goodness gracious what big boobs!
They make my cum spurt out in goobs!
Their great to lick and squeeze and suck
not to mention titty fuck!

They say that having such big boobs
are really just a waste
but it takes more than just a mouthful
to get the greatest taste!


A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day.
His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.

She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"

"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"

The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."

"That's right, Dad."

"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."

"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

How Dogs Are Better Than Men:

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they
never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

The Great Aussie Love Poem

Of Course I Love Ya Darling You're A Bloody Top Notch Bird
And When I Say You're Gorgeous I Mean Every Single Word

So Ya Bum Is On The Big Side I Dont Mind A Bit Of Flab
It Means That When I'm Ready There's Somethin' There To Grab

So Your Belly Isn't Flat No More I Tell Ya, I Don't Care
So Long As When I Cuddle Ya I Can Get My Arms Round There

No Sheila Who Is Your Age Has Nice Round Perky Breasts
They Just Gave Into Gravity But I Know Ya Did Ya Best

I'm Tellin Ya The Truth Now I Never Tell Ya Lies
I Think It's Very Sexy That You've Got Dimples On Ya Thighs

I Swear Upon Me Nannas Grave The Moment That We Met
I Thought U Was As Good As I Was Ever Gonna Get

No Matter Wot U Look Like I'll Always Love Ya Dear
Now Shut Up While The Footys On And Get Me Bloody Beer!

 

[melody]

The Fat Man

After eating an enormous plate of Beans and downing 3
coffees the fat man left the restaurant. On his way home
he farted all the way. He eventually shits himself halfway
on his journey home.

He decides to hitch-hike and immediately someone pulls
over and gives him a ride. The driver was a talkative
chap and was questioning the fat guy what a guy does
for a good time in this small town. The Fat guy couldn't
get a word in, as the driver was going on and on. After a
while the driver couldn't take the smell and eventually
pulls over and starts throwing up on the side of the road.
The driver kept yelling back, "Jesus, I don't want to
know what you do for a good time if you smell like that".
Concerned, the fat man gets out of the car to try to help
the driver, only to make him more sick with his
progressive smell. The driver yells, "get the fuck away
from me you fat stinkin' bastard.. You smell like shit!!"
Insulted at this point the fat man whips out his cock
and pisses all over the driver who is on all fours still
yakking away. The driver yells at the fat man and says,
"what the hell did ya do that for?", to which the fat man
replied, "Urine for a good time."
=========
Here I sit in gassly vapor,
some dumb fuck used all the paper.
No longer will I sit and linger,
look out asshole here comes my finger
=========
A man received a phone call from a mortician in another
town. Seems his mother-in-law had passed away.
The mortician wanted instructions as to whether to prepare
her for burial or cremate the woman.
The man replied quickly, "You'd better do both! Don't take any chances!"

I Just Love Fishing

A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide.
One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."

"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"

"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"

A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."

"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."

The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."

"Yeah, but she's got pyorrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."

Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."

"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck his dick.

Q: What's grosser than gross?
A: When your girlfriend does a split and your best friends class ring falls out.

Q: What do you call a bloke with a one-inch dick?
A: Justin.

Q: How do faggots dispose of their condoms?
A: By Farting

Q: How do you make paper dolls?
A: Fuck an old bag.

Q: What'd you call a woman masturbating?
A: A bushwacker.

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot Chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

"What Would You Do If You Woke Up And Had A Penis?"

Here are women's actual responses...

*I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it,
whatever
he is doing I'll be there prodding him with it."

*I would write my name in the snow."

*I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say: 'Where
is my raise?'"

*I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll
over and try something new."

*I would want a big one and show it off to everyone."

*I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed."

*I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing."

*I would measure it both ways."

*Pee off of a tall building."

*I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed."

*I would treat women better with it."

*I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day."

*Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit
the water and not pee all over everything."

*Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it."

*I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot."

*Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what
was the best."

*Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around."

*See how many donuts I could carry with it."

*Check out my boyfriends gag reflexes!"

******

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a
recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an
orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

Dogs Versus Women/Men

26 reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
6. A dog's parents never visit.
7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point
across.
9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or
desk.
10. Dogs seldom outlive you.
11. Dogs can't talk.
12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a
day.
13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you
get another dog?"
17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them
away.
18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you
a pervert.
19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just
think it's interesting.
21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.
25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.
And, last but not least:

26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff!

 

[melody]

Really Horny

This guy is really horny, can't seem to control it even with a good
wank, so he finally gives in and goes to a brothel. Unfortunately,
he's just about flat broke, and only has a fiver.

The madam looks at him as if he was mad. "A fiver? You have got
to be kidding. Get out of here."

"Please, I've been wanking for weeks, and I need a woman. Isn't
there anything you can do?"

"Well, all right, give me the fiver and you can see Isabel in #13."

The guy thanks the madam and rushes up the stairs. He goes into
the room, closes the door and turns on the light, only to see the
oldest, ugliest woman he's ever laid eyes on.

He thinks, "Sheesh, didn't think I'd end up with a charter member
of the oldest profession, but hey - I'm too desperate to care."

He turns the light off so he doesn't have to look at her, disrobes
and climbs in bed. The old crone rasps "Put it in!", but he can't
because it's too dry and scratchy.

"Hold on a minute," she mutters. She sits on the side of the bed
and fiddles with her crotch for a minute. Then she turns back
and says, "OK, do it now!"

The guy climbs aboard and finds she is as warm and wet as any
young woman. "Wow," he says, "what did you do, use some sort
of special lubricant?"

"Naw," grins the old woman. "I just picked the scabs off and
let the pus run a bit."
+++
There once was a girl from Shrilanka
Whose cunt was as big as a tanker
You could go for a swim
In the depths of her quim
And you needed a lamppost to wank her
+++
Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've
got another dress for you to clean."

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

"No," says Monica. "Mustard."

EXPRESSIONS FOR HIGH STRESS DAYS

1. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine.

2. Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.

3. Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we now?

4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

Computer Illiterate Tech Support Calls

(Shaking Head)
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
"Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realized that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a fucking people person?

7. You! Off my planet!!

8. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

9. I wish for world peace, harmony and nakedness.

10 Let me show you how the guards used to do it

11. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

12. Allow me to introduce my selves.

13. Whisper my favorite words: I'll buy it for you.

14. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

15. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

16. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

17. How many times do I have to flush you before you go away?

18. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

19. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

20. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

21. Can I trade this job for what's behind door # 2

22. Okay, okay, I take it back! UNFUCK YOU!

23. Just smile and say "Yes Mistress,"

24. Mommy, I want to grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.

25. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

26. This is a mean, fucking cruel world & I want my nappy and medication right now.

27. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic except my friends deep
inside the earth.

28. Earth is full. Go home.

29. Is it time for your medication or mine?

30. And which dwarf are you?

31. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Marriage Contract For Women

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that...
Section 1.
In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes,wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
Section 1.01
And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
Section 1.02
I will never ask for more *foreplay*.
Section 2.
I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
` Section 3.
Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.
Section 3.01
I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.
Section 3.02
And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
Section 4.
After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
Section 4.01
I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.
Section 5.
In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
Section 5.01
I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.
Section 5.02
I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine month pregnancy.
Section 5.03
I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
Section 5.04
I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard...
Section 6.
After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have"ruined me for other men".
Section 6.
I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*.
Section 6.01
With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.
Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.
Signed ____________________________________ (female)

 

[melody]

The Confessional

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a
wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren,
and great grandchildren. Last month, I picked up two college
girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with
each of them three times. Now they tell me that they are
both pregnant."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Abe And Becky

Abe and Becky Wassermann, an old couple, who
hadn't celebrated Halloween In a long time
decided to dress up and go out.

The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped
... naked and tied a lemon
Between her legs.

When she came out, the old man cried, "You
can't go out like that!"
She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."

Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came
out stark raving naked with
A potato tied to his tallywhacker.

The old woman says, you're going out like that?"
And he replies,
"Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator

**********

Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and
daughter-in-law.

Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and
asked if he could have one.
His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one
they're very strong and expensive."

Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they?"

His son replied, "$10 each."

Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank.
He told his son that he would leave $10 under his pillow that night.

The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and
said, "Dad, I told you it was only $10.
There's $110 under my pillow!"
Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!"

Man: "What sins? "

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."

11111

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a
stiff
one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And, how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and
knees.

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

11111

Mary comes home from her date with Tom and is on cloud nine. She happily
tears off her clothes, tosses them all around the room jumps into bed
and falls fast asleep. The next morning her mom comes in and wakes Mary
up and says, " How was your date last night?"

"It was alright, I guess."

"It must have been a lot better than that," says mom, " Your panties are
still stuck to the ceiling."

How To Impress A Woman

As if I'd know.

Compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.


How to Impress a Man

Show up naked.
Bring food.

Well at least we're easier to please.
_____________________________

There was old guy named Lee,
Who was stung in the balls by a bee,
He made oodles of money,
By oozing pure honey,
Every time he attempted to pee.
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
So Jack could lick Jill's fanny.
Jack got a shock
And a mouthful of cock,
'Cause Jill's a fucking tranny!

Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
___________

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside.

He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job.

A job that no man has ever succeeded at nor has ever even dared try."

"Poof!" said the genie.

"You're a housewife!"
___________

Why is Mr. Potato Head the perfect man?
He's tan, he's cute, and if he looks at another woman, you can rearrange his face.
Question: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Answer: Because he had his own drumsticks!
What's twenty feet long and smells like urine?
A crowd of old people line dancing.

 

[melody]

Short Jokes

An LPN working at her nurse's station sees a doctor coming towards her
from the other end of the corridor. As he gets closer she notices that
there is something odd or different about the doctor. Finally when he
reaches the nurse's station she realizes that there is something
strange on his ear. Out of curiosity she finally asks, "Doctor, What
is that behind your ear?"
He pulls it off, looks at it and responds, "Shit, it's a rectal
thermometer, some asshole's got my pen."

@@@@@

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I
had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked.. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.

@@@@@

Little Johnny is wandering up and down the aisles
of a supermarket crying his eyes out.

"What's the matter fella?" asked a stock boy.

"I've lost my mommy!" wailed Little Johnny.

"Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothed the stock boy.

"Now tell me, what's mommy like?"

"Bourbon and men with big, hard cocks,"
sobbed Little Johnny.

@@@@@

A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd gone off men for
life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good," she moaned.
"From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested
plastic companion," she said.
"What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend. "That's
simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual!"

Read Upon Bathroom Walls

"This is a teepee
where you peepee.
This is not a wigwam
where you beat your tomtom."
(Submitted via email; location not specified)

lll

"Here I sit in a misty vapor
Some damn fool stole the toilet paper
My bus is late and I cannot linger
Lookout butt here comes my finger"
(From a bus station bathroom in Philadelphia)

lll

"This is where Napoleon blew his bone apart"
(Scratched into the wood barrier between urinals in
a Bodega bay campsite bathroom)

lll

"I fu*ked your Mom"
(written underneath) "Go home dad you're drunk."
(Somewhere in Orlando, FL)

lll

"Those who write on shithouse walls roll their shit into little balls.
Those who read those words of wit, eat those little balls of shit."
(A men's restroom in Sierra College, Rocklin, CA)

lll

"If a tree falls in the forest, and there's nobody
around to hear it - who gives a fu*k?"
A men's room in an Atlanta bookstore

lll

(arrow pointing to toilet paper dispenser)
"Turban repair kit"
(Porta toilet, Pittsburgh, PA)

lll

(Written on the front of a condom machine)
"This gum tastes like shit!"
(Booches Bar and Grill, University of Missouri,Columbia)

lll

"Hi, I'm Gonorrhea.
Have a seat and I'll be right with you"
(Submitted via email; location not specified)

lll

"There was an old man from Peru,
Who fell asleep in his canoe.
While dreaming of Venus,
He played with his penis,
and awoke in a boat full of goo."
(On a bathroom wall in the Coz Chemical building,
Northbridge MA)

lll

"Here I sit broken hearted
paid a dime only farted.
Second time took a chance,
saved my dime shit my pants."
(In a bathroom stall in a Winnipeg restaurant)

lll

"In the days of old
when knights were bold
and toilets weren't invented.
They'd drop there load
by the road
and ride away contented."
(In a bathroom stall in a Winnipeg restaurant)

lll

"BEER DRINKERS LAMENT:
I sit inside this dim lit stall,
and scribe these words upon the wall
For relief has come to me alas
cause I've expelled some noxious gas.
And the reason for this woeful wit,
Is I loaded up my pants with shit."

lll

"Fix this toilet!"
The response: "We're actors, not plumbers."
The response to the response: "Then act like plumbers."
(At a playhouse theatre in Boston)

lll

"Did you know that this porcelain instrument upon
which you are sitting is
really a very powerful telescope?
Spread your legs and stick your head down
between them.
Look way down and over to the back.
There! See it? Uranus!"

lll

"Here I sit, same as ever
Took a shit, pulled the lever
The toilet clogged, the water flowed
Look out world, its the motherload"

lll

It's a wonderous thing the magnificent turd
to describe beauty there's nary a word
some may float while others may sink
but if you pluck them out there'll all going to stink
(Lnwood IL. police department latrine.)

lll

"Shithouse poets when they die
should have erected where they lie
in memory of their caustic wit
a monument of solid shit"
(No location specified)
lll
"If you want to crap at ease
put both elbows on your knees
give a grunt,and give a squeeze
and out will come like rotten cheese."
(Men's room at Old Sturbridge Village in Sturbridge, Massachusetts)

lll

"Here lies the bones of screwy Rick
Cursed at death with a corkscrew dick
Spent his life in a futile hunt
To find a girl with a corkscrew cunt
He found that girl, but now he is dead
The no account bitch had a left-hand thread."
(In a bar long since closed in Greensburg, PA)

Calories We Burn While Having Sex:
(This is very long, but it has useful information)

The Act of Insertion
If the man is ready (same vice-versa).........1/4 calories
If the woman is not (same vice-versa).........274 calories

YYYYY

Satisfying Partner (organ size)
Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a Shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.

Normal size............22 calories
Oversize.................15 calories
Tremendous............8 calories
Teensy-weensy.......163 calories

YYYYY

Positions
Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other)..........20 calories
Woman on top, man on bottom.........................................25 calories
Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities,
this position affords a better view of the clock.
From the rear (Mysterious variation)..............................40 1/2 calories
Standing
Both partners of equal height......................................18 calories
Woman 1 foot taller than a man..................................90 calories
The man will have to make several rigorous leaps into the air
in order to achieve even minimal satisfaction
While in traction.............................................................124 calories
(very useful during ski season)

YYYYY

Locations
On a bar stool....................20 calories
Rear of a Honda Civic......38 calories
In a phone booth
Standing.......................14 calories
lying down...................274 calories
On an airliner
Aisle seat....................24 calories
Middle seat.................42 calories
Window seat...............30 calories
In the lavatory.............100 calories

YYYYY

Possible Side Effects of Intercourse
Bouncing........................7 calories
Sliding around................9 calories
Serious Skidding............12 calories
Full cartwheel................20 calories
Whiplash........................27 calories
Knee burn.......................6 calories
Chafed elbows...............5 calories
Chafed nose...................11 calories

YYYYY

Sex Related Noises
Short gasps (per gasp).....................................3 calories
Wheezing.........................................................5 calories
Squeals............................................................4 calories
Ecstatic moaning..............................................11 calories
Low growling..................................................8 calories
Squishing.........................................................10 calories
Shouting...........................................................16 calories
Screaming........................................................18 calories
Urgent begging.................................................22 calories
Any short speech giving partner directions......25 calories
"Please don't stop," "Faster," "Just a little more"
are common examples

YYYYY

Approaching Orgasm
Letting go..........................................................5 1/2 calories
Controlling yourself.........................................79 calories
Digging nails in your partners back back.........11 calories
Trembling........................................................15 calories
Shaking............................................................20 calories
Shuddering......................................................25 calories
Trying to keep eyes open................................33 calories

YYYYY

Orgasm
Real............27 calories
Faked.........160 calories

YYYYY

Orgasmic Intensity Scale
Expression didnt change...............1/2 calorie
Face turned purple........................15 calories
Orchestra swelled.........................6 calories
Magical explosions.......................10 calories
Blazing Sheets...............................25 calories
Earth moved..................................30 calories
Vesuvius erupted...........................47 calories
You began moaning in Latin..........60 calories

YYYYY

Pulling Out
After orgasm...................................1/4 calorie
A few moments before orgasm.......500 calories

YYYYY

Multiple Orgasms
For woman
2......14 calories
5......30 calories
8......47 calories
Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of "reduced sanity" that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship and ride a Moped.
For Men
2......21 calories
3......39 calories
4......57 calories
For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.

YYYYY

Special Orgasms
Clitoral...............15 calories
Vaginal...............21 calories
Penile.................21 calories
Scrotile..............15 calories
Rectal................25 calories
Oral...................30 calories
(can also occur during an especially good meal)

YYYYY

Premature Ejaculation*
During insertion.............................2 calories
During intercourse.........................5 calories
approx.. 2 sec's or 3 thrusts after insertion,
which ever comes first
During foreplay.............................3 calories
Immature ejaculation.....................4 calories
similar to premature ejaculation except male
acts childish and throws a tantrum

*Often caused by an inability to do things right.

YYYYY

Consequences of Premature Ejaculation
Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the footy on the tv.

For Woman
Frustration..........................................8 calories
Anger.................................................15 calories
Violent mood swing...........................20 calories
Suppressing rage................................25 calories
Not suppressing anger........................65 calories
in extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks,
and gently massaging partner's head with a tire iron.

For Men
Cursing..............................................10 calories
Apologising.......................................3 calories
Snivelling..........................................5 calories
Pleading for mercy............................8 calories
Begging for another chance...............15 calories

Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 sec's of sex.

YYYYY

Possible Side Effects of Good Sex
The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:

Swooning.........................6 calories
Palpitations......................10 calories
Shortness of breath..........5 calories
Perspiring........................8 calories

YYYYY

Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex
A less-than-sunny desposition........1 calorie

YYYYY

Recovering
Un-entwining............................................3 calories
Regaining motor control of pevis.............7 calories
After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist
to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk ( put one foot
in front of the other), which will seriously impair your chances of going
to the bathroom or getting a juice.
Standing up...............................................9 calories
Getting some juice....................................11 calories

YYYYY

Rolling Over and Going to Sleep
After intercourse............18 calories
Classic behavior for shiftless men who believe they've done their job
and are now entitled to a rest. This "rest" may include snoring.
During intercourse.........32 calories
Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.
During foreplay.............12 calories
Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.

YYYYY

Trying Again
If the woman is ready...........5 calories
If the man is not....................156 calories

YYYYY

Dreaming
Regular dream.................2 calories
Wet Dream......................16 calories
Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner;
Add 20 calories if your partner notices
Wet Trance......................20 calories
Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist

YYYYY

Group Sex
Introducing yourself.....................3 calories
Overcoming shyness....................8 calories
Swapping partners
Willingly.................................4 calories
Unwillingly.............................62 calories
Jealousy......................................16 calories
Partner having more fun than you are
Mixed doubles............................26 calories
Being nice to everyone...............100 calories
Anger..........................................10 calories
You suddenly realise that you're wanted for you body and not your mind.
Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.
Finding your clothes....................5 calories

YYYYY

Masturbation
For pleasure only...................................6 calories
For exercise, too....................................10 calories
For relief from tension...........................12 calories
To pass the time.....................................7 calories
To avoid overeating...............................16 calories
To get in touch with inner self...............10 calories
To get in touch with outter self..............10 1/4 calories
To avoid insanity..................................24 calories
To avoid spending money on a date......9 calories

In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping and binge's, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.

Using
Your hand(s):
Regular way......................................11 calories
Your finger(s)...................................9 calories
Tweezers..............................................2 calories
An inflatable doll.................................24 calories
Any fruit or vegetable..........................19 calories
except watermelon or a sprig of parsley
A vibrator:
Hand-operated.................................12 calories
Windup............................................9 calories
Electric............................................5 calories
Anything not mentioned here.................50 calories
In a pornographic movie theater
Purchasing the ticket.........................2 1/2 calories
Finding isolated seat.........................78 calories
Adjusting raincoat.............................3 calories

YYYYY

Typical Sex-Related Fears
Partner hates me for what I did............................4 calories
Partner hates me for what I didnt do....................8 calories
Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual.......10 calories
Climaxing too soon.............................................5 calories
Climaxing too late...............................................6 calories
Not climaxing......................................................20 calories
Partner thinks of me as a sex object.....................9 calories
Partner doesnt think of me as a sex object...........47 calories
Partner will neglect to administer last rites
should I not recover from orgasm......................88 calories

YYYYY

Personal Fears
Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm....6 calories
Stretch marks that look like a plowed field........................8 calories
Penis envy.........................................................................72 calories
Body odor of a disgruntled yak..........................................25 calories

YYYYY

Getting Caught
By partner's spouse.........60 calories
By your spouse................60 1/2 calories
Trying to explain.............165 calories
Stuttering.........................28 calories
Throwing-up...................40 calories

Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed

YYYYY

Almost Getting Caught
Trying to remain calm...........................100 calories
Fright (includes trembling)...................66 calories
Leaping out of bed................................25 calories
Getting dressed in one large motion.....300 calories
Thanking partner quickly......................2 calories
Jumping out of window........................15 calories
add 5 calories if window wasnt open
Landing................................................1 calorie
Running very fast.................................50 calories
YYYYY
Now go and find your partner
and lose those calories
and have FUN!

Bubba, Daryl And Gomer

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty
badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the
body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer were
sent for.
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him
over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope,
ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he
brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer
took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real
bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it
ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a......."

"What? He had two assholes! said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two a........ Every
time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two a.........”


One morning a woman and her baby were taking public transportation.
As she entered the bus the driver said, "Wow! That is one ugly baby."
The woman, deeply hurt, just continued onto the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.
The man asked, "What's wrong, you look mad?"
She replied, "I am." "That bus driver just insulted me."
"You shouldn't take that from him," the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect.
If I were you, I would take down his badge number and report him."
"You're right sir, I think I will report him," she said. The elderly man said,
"You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."


After returning home from an examination, the young woman phoned her gynecology’s and asked. “Doctor, would you see if by chance I left my panties in your office?” He looked in the examining room, returned to the phone, and told her, “I’m afraid they are not here.” “Sorry to trouble you, doctor,” she said. “I’ll try my dentist.”

Two morons are riding around looking for a place to have a picnic. One moron says, "Hey, lets have a picnic over there under that tree." The other moron says," No, no, lets have it in the middle of the road." They fought and came to a decision to have it in the middle of the road. Not long afterwards a car came speeding towards them, swerved off the road and ran into the tree. One moron says, “See if we were over there we would be dead right now."

 

[melody]

Unable To Perform

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to
perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few
things, but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him, "this is all in your mind," and refers
him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink
confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor
tells him, "I can cure this," and throws some powder on a flame, and
there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.... The witch doctor says
"This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you
have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The
witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down.
But be warned it will not work again for a year!" The guy goes home and
that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news.... So he
is lying in bed with her and says '123', and suddenly he gets an
erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"
=====
Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comes home from
work and leans against the freshly painted wall. The next day, she says
to the painter, "You wanna see where my husband put his hand last
night?"
He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work ahead of me.
Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?"
=====
A man goes to his psychiatrist complaining about marriage problems. The
shrink asks him, "Do you talk to your wife during sex?" "Sure," says the
guy, "I've got a cell phone!"

MYASS

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as 'Millennia Year Application Software System' (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, 'I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.' I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business.

As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, 'here, stick this in MYASS.' It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, 'Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.'
;;;;;;;
There once was a young man named Bruno,
who said, "Firetrucking is one thing I do know.
"Sheep are just fine,
"And women devine,
"But, llamas are numero uno!"
There once was a male prostitute,
he got paid to play other guys flute,
when a guy paid in cash, he got it up the ass,
But with a check he only got blew
There once was girl named Sattie,
she liked to get a litle kinky,
she brought out her whip, and in one quick un-zip,
she was fucking a dog named Dottie

Tale Of Freddy Law

This is the tale of Freddy Law
whose sexual equipment got jammed in the door.
By the time they freed him, he didn't feel well
for his private parts were mangled to hell.

They rushed him to hospital, the ambulance flew,
but when they arrived, there's nought they could do.
What a bad blow for Fred, condemned without choice,
to live with no sex and a high squeaking voice.

But lucky for Fred, so he wouldn't feel a fool,
some bright spark suggested a "Bionic Tool".
A smart new electric one, made out of brass,
though the batteries would have to be kept up his arse.

Now newly equipped and after a rest,
Fred thought he would put the tool to the test.
So finding a woman, the nearest one handy,
supplied her with drink and made her feel randy

She, without waiting, put her hand in Fred's flies,
as she felt what was there, gave a cry of surprise.
"That's my Bionic Chopper. Now lets have some fun".
"Cor blimey" she said, "It felt like a gun."

They both stripped quick and Fred entered her fast,
he turned up the control knob and gave her full blast.
They clung to each other as Fred's dick shook some more,
then they bounced off the bed and onto the floor.

Now the pace hotted up and they started to choke,
as the room became filled with blue dirty smoke.
With a bang Fred's left bullock shot up in the air,
and his other one went bonkety-bonk down the stair.

So back for repair went Fred full of woe,
Was this how his sex life was destined to go ?
To return to his doctor at the end of each shag
with his tool in his pocket and his balls in a bag ?

But they fixed up young Fred, made him manly again,
for they boosted his batteries with a flex from the main.
So if he cant get a girl, now poor Fred doesn't cry,
he just flicks on the switch and jerks himself dry
======

Suffering from a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay fellow goes to
see his doctor. After his examination the physician prescribes
suppositories twice a day.

When it comes time to use the first suppository the young man is
concerned he will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom,
bends over and looks through his legs into the mirror to line up
the target.

All of a sudden, his penis starts to stiffen, blocking his view.

"Oh, stop it," the young man scolds his organ, "it's only me."

Cultural Differences Explained

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.

Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for
Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who
belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of
themselves.

Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively
patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they
can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to
perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American
channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there
watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball,
and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and
rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey,
hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing
baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms
in every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it
"English".

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything
they say in an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on
an island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live
on an island.

Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, &
liquor in a backwards country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, &
liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally
suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally
suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure
are inherited things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several
beers.

 

[melody]

Happy Valentine's Day!

Valentine Slogans

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, So right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

**********
On Valentine's Day a drunk young man walked up to
an attractive girl and said, "Do you mind if I ask you a personal
question?"
"Yes, but I know you're going to ask eventually anyway, so
let's get it over with."
"Great. How many men have you had sex with?"
"That's my business!" she snapped.
"Cool! How much?"

**********

On Valentines Day, Paul is walking to his
girls house one afternoon and passes a florist shop. On a whim he buys
a big bunch of flowers for her. When he gets to her house he holds the
flowers out to her. Instead to taking them she slides her panties off
from under her skirt, lays back on the couch, spreads her legs and says
"This is for the flowers." Paul looks at her and says " Oh come
now, surely you have a vase around here somewhere."


I'll tell you a short poem;
I'll try to make it quick.
The subject is quite simple:
The joy of having a dick.

Penises are super things;
You ladies should be jealous.
An organ surrounded by sensitive skin
That's smooth and rarely hairless.

It starts to grow dramatically,
When you're about thirteen.
Your testicles on either side;
Your willy in between.

It dangles neatly down below;
Soft, obedient and loyal.
At the slightest hint of lust,
It's ready to uncoil.

Handle it with love and care;
For it can give great pleasure.
Has it grown since last weekend?
And when did you last measure?

Some people fret about its size;
They give it lots of thought.
Is seven inches long enough?
It makes guys quite distraught.

They peek across in urinals,
To compare and try to see
But if another glances back at them
There's no way that they can pee

Without this fabulous organ,
No shag would be complete.
Lesbians will try their best;
But must admit defeat.

It has two main bodily functions,
I'm sure you'll all agree,
To start a whole new life,
And of course, daily to pee.

But I think the thing that's marvelous;
About that one eyed brute
Is that when its trying to procreate,
It knows which fluid to shoot.

It remains with you;
Until you're old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though,
Or you'll be thrown in jail.


A guy goes into a bar and picks up a tall woman.
After a night of drinking and dancing they go back to his place.
She unzips his fly and starts playing with his dick.

"Wow," he says, "you really know how to handle a dick!"

"I should," she replies, "I used to have one."

Geisha Girl

On a business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night
having wild sex with a Geisha Girl.

Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird green,
festering sore growing on his Penis.

He went to the doctor, Dr. Jones, who, after hearing of his Orient
trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and
the only cure was complete amputation. Joe was horrified, and decided to
get a second opinion.

Joe contacted Dr. Smith and showed him the green growth. Dr. Smith
said "I am sorry but Dr. Jones is correct. We must amputate right away"
Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an
oriental doctor.
They must deal with this all the time. He went to Dr. Chu Wong.

Dr. Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said "These
Amadican Doctors - so quick to Chop Chop chop" Amputation not necesally.

Joe was relieved. Dr. Wong said "You wait three weeks and it fall off
on its own.


An elderly couple were sitting in the old folks home when the man turns to the woman next to him and say's, "How about a good old fashioned fuck?" The woman agrees and they go to his room.
After they have a good fuck the guy turns to the woman and say's, "If I would have known that you were as tight as a virgin I would have asked you for sex ages ago."
The woman replied, "And if I would have known that you could get such a big hard on I would have taken my tights off!

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear One Woman Say To Another Woman:

1. That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind
keeping my husband company while I go for a swim?
2. Oh, look, that women and I have the same dress on! I think
I'll go introduce myself!
3. His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am,
and I'm happy for them both.
4. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.
5. He makes more money than I do, so I broke up with him.
6. I'm sick of ****** doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-
fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day!
7. We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to
help him with the color choices!
8. He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!
9. Why can't I find a guy who'll have a wild carefree night of
sex and then just go his separate way for once?
10. I just realized -- my butt doesn't look fat in this -- my
butt is fat!

Little Johnny

The new school year started and the grade school teacher wanted some
students to tell a brief story about summer vacation. Several students
eagerly raised their hands including Little Johnny. The teacher asked Alice
to tell a story.

"We took a trip to the Grand Canyon during vacation" Alice said. "We rode
donkeys down a steep trail to the bottom of the canyon, it was fun."

The teacher asked for another volunteer, several students eagerly raised
their hands including little Johnny. She was afraid to call on little
Johnny because he swore a lot in last years classroom. The teacher chose
Fred to tell a story.

"My Dad and I went on a fishing trip way out in the country. We stopped at
a small pond, I cast my lure into the pond and caught the biggest trout we'd
ever seen! We started a campfire and cooked the trout, it was great!" Fred
reported.

"That nice Fred, now how about another volunteer". Several students were
waving their hands. The teacher felt sorry for Little Johnny and wanted to
give him another chance. "My Dad and I went on a deer hunting trip. We saw
a huge 18 point buck in the field, my Dad aimed and shot it right in the
asshole" Little Johnny said.

The teacher was mad, "Johnny you mean rectum" she said.

"Wrecked 'im, you bet it wrecked 'im...shot his balls clean off."

 

[melody]

Love In The Back Seat

A guy and a girl on a date park the car and make love in the back seat.
The girl wants it again and the guy obliges. She wants more still and so
the guy says, "Excuse me a minute. I have to relieve myself." While out
of the car, he notices a guy changing a flat tire. He approaches the guy
and say, "Look, I've got this gal in my car I've given it to her four or
five times already and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if
you'll take over for me."The stranger walks back to the car and, before
he can introduce himself, the girl is all over him. Sure enough, a cop
monitoring the area notices the bouncing car. He knocks on the window
and shines a light on them. "What's going on in there?"
"I'm making love to my wife."
"Why don't you do that at home?" asks the cop. "To tell you the truth, I
didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."

A man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of tequila. The bartender asks, "Why so many buddy?" The man replies, "I'm celebrating my first blow job". The bartender says, "Well hell, congratulations, I will give you one on the house for free." The man says, "No thank you, if the first 6 shots don't get the taste out of my mouth one more won't make a difference."


A guy walks into a bar, puts his pet rabbit upon the mahogany, and starts drinking. While he is drinking, the rabbit starts doing little rabbit pellets on the bar.
After awhile, he leaves, and another guy, a real loudmouth, walks in. He says," Hey bartender, give me a drink for me, for you, what do you say, there's nothing to do."
He has a few drinks, and the whole time he's running his mouth, annoying the bartender.
Finally, he spots the rabbit pellets. He says, "Hey bartender, what are these?"
The bartender say's, "They are smart pills."
The loud mouth replies, "Can I try a few?"
The bartender says yes and the loudmouth starts popping a few into his mouth, chews for awhile, then spits them out and shouts, "Yuck! These taste like shit!"
The bartender says, "Your getting smarter already!"


Down at the pub a drunk was telling his drinking buddy, "I will never forget the first time I turned to drink as a substitute for women."
"Yeah, what happened?" said his friend.
"I got my dick stuck in the bottle neck!" he answered.

Taking A Shit

Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. Then he came back and the other said "That was fast." "Well I need to take a shit but I've got nothing to wipe my ass with." The other answers, "That's easy just go on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass with it." "O.K." he says as he goes back over to the bush. Later he comes back with a really upset look on his face and says "That was a terrible idea. Not only did I get SHIT all over my hands, I've got 4 Quarters Stuck up my ASS!"

********

A man at a nudist camp got a letter from his mother asking for a picture. Since the only pictures he had were taken in the nude, he cut one in half and mailed her the part showing only from the waste up.His mom wrote back after receiving the photograph and said, "thanks for the picture. Can you grandma have one too?" The guy thought, since grandma can't see well, I'll just give her the bottom half, and he sent it. After getting her grandson's picture, she wrote to him and said, "nice picture, but your hairstyle sure makes you nose look long."

********

A man and his wife were doing yard work. The husband said to his wife, "Your butt is as wide as the grill." She ignored his remark.
A little later, the husband took his measuring tape and measured his wife's rear end while she was bending over working in a flower bed. "Geeze, honey, it IS as wide as the grill!" She again ignored his remark.
Later that night, while in bed, the husband started to feel frisky. He rolled over to start something with his wife and she calmly rolled away from him saying, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, forget it!"

]********

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery
with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she
whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy."

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and
said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

The Brothel

Two eight-year-old boys played in a vacant lot everyday, and across the
street was a brothel. Day after day they saw men go up, knock on the door, go
in,
and eventually come out happy and smiling. One day they became curious
and decided to see what was going on. The madam answers the door and looks
down at the boys, and asks what they want. They explain what they saw, and
tell her that they are curious as to what goes on inside. The Madam thinks for a
moment, shrugs, and says, "Do you have 5 dollars?"
Both boys dig deep into their pockets and come up with a total of 50
cents.
She says, "OK, that will have to do," as she proceeds to lift her skirt
and pull down her panties. She tells both boys to take a sniff, which they
do.
She closes the door and the kids proceed home. About halfway down the
block one boy turns to the other and says, "Ya know
Joey, I don't think I coulda stood 5 dollars worth of that."


The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his
breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there
is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in
the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."


Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who
will be coming to school."
"That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say
when u told her u are the only child?"
"She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"

A Blonde's Message

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!"

The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?"

"Yes, anything" the blonde promised.

With that, the man said, "Follow me" He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door" She did.

He then said, "Get on your knees" She did.

Then he said, "Take down my zipper" She did.

He said, "Go ahead...take it out" She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well... go ahead!"

The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly "HELLO.....MOM, can you hear me???


Bananas are better than Men because...

You don't mind swallowing a banana.

Bananas are always stiff.

Bananas don't know how to fart.

A bananas only purpose is to satisfy you.

No one cares if you have two bananas in bed with you at the same time.

Another woman will never try to steal your banana.

Bananas can last the whole night through.

Even the smallest bananas are at least eight inches long.


A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in June, and left me $10,000." said the friend. "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000." The man looking concerned says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." The friend continues, "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!" "Then this month,..." continued, the friend, "Nothing! Not a single dime!"

 

[melody]

"You Gotta Help Me Doc!"

A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doc, you gotta help me!"

The doctor says, "What's your problem?"

The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my morning flagpole,
give the missus a quick one, then go to work.

I car-pool with the next-door neighbor's wife and she gives me a
blowjob during the ride to work. Once I get to the office I do
some work and then at morning coffee break I go into the
photocopy room and have it off with one of the young office
girls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her
a good bonking. For afternoon coffee I give the boss's wife a
good servicing. I then go home and slip the maid a few inches.
Then at night I give the missus another screw..."

"Well" said the doctor. "What's your problem?"

The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate."

o0o0o0o0o0

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR SON HAS
GROWN TOO OLD FOR BREAST FEEDING

10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.
1. Beard abrasions on areola.
o0o0o0o0o0
In days of old
when knights were bold
and no one was particular,
They lined them all against the wall
and fucked them perpendicular!

Repairs

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife
interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's
been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it
look like I have a G. E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't
think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have
Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the
front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he
says.
"Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I
don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides
to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he
goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.

Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.
He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either
give him a blow job and fuck him, or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooooo! Do you see Betty Crocker written on my
forehead?


A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"


A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".

Cheating On Her

Mrs. Jones had a feeling that her husband was cheating on her so
she got two of the kids from next door to spy on him and see if he
was cheating on her. The two boys climbed up a tree and looked
onto Mrs. Jones's bedroom window and saw Mr. Jones having sex
with Miss Smith and went back and told Mrs. Jones what they saw.
It happened three times in one week which upset Mrs. Jones,
so she filed for divorce.
While in court the judge asked if Mrs. Jones had any witnesses, to
which she replied, "Yes, two boys from next door."
The judge asked one of the boys to explain what he saw.
He said, "Judge, I climbed up in the tree and saw Miss Smith and
Mr. Jones take off all there clothes and started fuck-in."
With that the Judge got upset and said, "You can't use that language
in this court," and thru him out.
When he asked the second boy to explain what he saw, he told
him to explain to him without using the bad language.
"Well, Judge," he said, "there was Mr. Jones and Miss Smith in the
bedroom, and they took off all their clothes. There was ten toes up
and ten toes down, Two big asses going round and round,
Meat fly in and meat fly out, If that ain't fuck-in you can kick me
out!"

YYYYY

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said,
"If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.'
A little voice from the back of the room asked,
'How the fuck will that help?"

YYYYY

What's the difference between Yo mama and a water buffalo? About 25 pounds.
Yo mama's such a lazy ho, the only thing she won't do is the dishes.
The other day when I went over to your house to visit your sister, Yo mama ran out from under the porch and bit my leg.
Yo mama's such a ho, when you step on her feet her legs pop open.
Yo mama reminds me of a toilet, fat, white, and smells like shit.
If Yo mama had as many dicks sticking out of her as she's had stuck in her, she'd look like a porcupine.

Tasteless Death Jokes

A strange looking man walked into a funeral home and said to the mortician, "I will give you $100 for the vagina of the blonde lying in that casket in the front room."
The mortician looks at the guy in disgust, "Are you mad?" he replies, "I could lose my license!"
"How about the $200 then!" the man says.
The mortician thought about this for a moment, then said, "All right, you have a deal, but keep it quiet OK?"
Locking the doors and pulling the drapes, he went to work, scalpel in hand.
In minutes he was holding a dripping bloody pussy at arms length, and he asked nervously, "How would you like it wrapped?"
"Never mind wrapping it," said the man, "I will eat it here!"

nnnnn

The Top Ten Reasons Why Suicide Is Better Than Sex!
10) You can still commit suicide when you're drunk.
09) You don't have to worry about 'safe' suicide.
08) Nobody wakes you up to ask for more.
07) There is no limit to the number of techniques.
06) Nobody ever asks for a long term suicide commitment.
05) Who cares if you get a disease?
04) Doing it by yourself is just as good.
03) It's easier than finding a date on a Saturday night.
02) Nobody ever complains about 'bad' suicide.
01) You don't have to clean up the mess.

nnnnn

What did the husband do when he saw his wife staggering around the backyard?
He reloaded and shot her again!
What's the worse thing about having to kiss Grandma?
When the coffin lid falls and hits you on the head!
How does an artist draw an LA gang member?
Outlined in chalk!
How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow fell on her!