JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

Christmas Song

Dildoes and corsets and Chainmail Bikinis
Black Leather cages you lock on your weenies
Fetish and fashion and pierced nipple rings
These are a few of my favorite things ...

When the lash bites
When the crop stings
When it hits the Spot
I simply remember my favorite things
And it makes me feel ... so hot!!

Wrist cuffs and collars and straps of black leather
Chrome chains and Padlocks to hold them together
Tease whips and gags sort the girls from the boys
These are a few of my favorite toys ...

Nip Clips and Clit clips and Ball gags and Blindfolds
Dildoes and butt plugs to stop up your assholes
Enema pipes and some new "KY" gel
All delivered in brown paper, so the neighbors can't tell ...

Bottle green panties like the girls wore in school
A brief French maids outfit to make your mouth drool
Black halter tops and a PVC skirt
And a long leather whip ... Oh yes, that will hurt!!

Floggers and paddles and crops of black leather
Rubber and latex are fun in all weather
Canes of rattan that deliver a sting
All these and more are my favorite things!!!

When the lash bites
When the crop stings
When it hits the Spot
I simply remember my favorite things
And it makes me feel ... so hot!!
 
Why Santa Can't Possibly Be A Man

a. Men can't pack a bag
b. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
c. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen
with all those elves
d. Men don't answer their mail
e. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in
just as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly"
f. Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them
g. Having to do the Ho-Ho-Ho thing would seriously inhibit their
ability to pick up women
h. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

Roses are Redish, Violets are Bluesh.
If it wasn't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish.

Why did Frosty the Snowman pull his pants down?
He was waiting for the snow blower!

Top 10 Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid

10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"

9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes.

8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and
handling.

7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam
peanuts.

6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.

5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list.

4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee.

3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard
and I'll put the hurt on you."

2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."

1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"


Father Christmas was in the Grotto, when after days of young children
filing past, he was confronted by a lovely looking eighteen year old
girl.

She sits herself down on Santa's knee and he asks her what she wants for
Christmas. She says, "Well Santa, I've got no pubic hairs on my pussy,
and I wondered if you could get me some for Christmas?"

Santa replies, "Well I don't know, if I can get you Pubic hairs on your
Pussy, will white whiskers do?"
~~~~~
That wily old pervert St. Nick
Made good use of the curve to his dick.
He glazed the whole shaft
Painted stripes, then he laughed
As he offered young ladies a lick.

The night started with hot sexual talk,
As they screwed they lost track of the clock.
Throughout the next day,
They continued to play,
Until neither were able to walk!

Twisted Sing-A-Longs

Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer

Rudolph the red nosed wino,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you got too close to him,
He would take off his clothes.
All of the other winos,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any wino games.
Then one chilly Christmas Eve,
Rudolph froze to death in an alley.
End of story.
~~~~~

Deck The Halls
See that drag queen his name's Molly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
For 50 bucks he'll make you jolly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
See him in his gay apparel.
Fa La La La La La La La La
You should meet his brother Carol.
Fa La La La La La La La La

Whore's Business

Sung to the Tune of ~ White Christmas

I'm waiting for a whore's business,
But I'm three dollars short on dough.
While her earrings glisten,
Her pimp will listen,
He's hiding close by in a Roll's.

I'm waiting for a whore's business,
Although I'm shriveled from the cold.
She will warm my body,
And act real naughty,
As well as all the other things she's told.

I'm waiting for a whore's business,
She's got my money in her fly.
Her large breasts are bobbing,
Makes my dick start throbbing,
As I watch her pimp mouth the word "Goodbye.

"I'm waiting for a whore's business,
She has a beautiful dark tan.
As she peels off her clothing,
I am filled with loathing,
And discover that she really is a man.
 
The Top 15 Reindeer Games

15. Strip poker with Santa's granddaughter

14. Attach the Mistletoe to Santa's Ass

13. Spin the Salt Lick

12. Crapping down the chimneys of non-believers

11. Moose or Dare

10. Flying into the "No Fly Zone" over Iraq just to watch Saddam do a slow burn and Santa dampen his Depends

9. Bait-and-Shoot Elmo

8. The Annual Turn-Frosty- Yellow-from- 50-Paces Contest

7. Scare the Holy Crap Out of the Airline Pilot

6. Convince the Elves to Eat "Raisinets"

5. Pin the Tail on Santa's Big Fat Animal-Abusing Ass

4. Hide the Venison Sausage with Vixen

3. Elf Tossing

2. Sniff the Tail on the Donkey

and the Number 1 Reindeer Game...

1. The "Rudolph the Shitfaced Reindeer" Drinking Game

Things Santa Shouldn't Say To The Girls

1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

2. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?

3. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!

4. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

5. I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!

6. Some of my best toys run on batteries.

7. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)

8. I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you?

9. Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!

10. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman

1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have
had
in the past.
2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the
closet.
4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
6. When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can throw it on the curb
and
have it hauled away.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
9. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the
back of your pickup truck.


That wily old pervert St. Nick
Made good use of the curve to his dick.
He glazed the whole shaft
Painted stripes, then he laughed
As he offered young ladies a lick.

I wonder what Christmas will be,
No merriment, good cheer or glee,
Now that Santa's arrested,
Because someone protested,
That he laid some doll under their tree.

Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its "sell by" date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
 
Ten Signs He Wants To Get Laid

1. Watching a nature show where animals fornicate, he keeps winking and
doing the eyebrow thing.

2. When you ask him what kind of car he likes to drive, he solemnly
replies, "The skin bus to tuna town," and then laughs until he cries.

3. You note that integrity is so important in a man, he notes that what
he looks for in a "chick" is "you know."

4. He whispers,"you' re beautiful," to your thighs, then glances up at
your face and says, "oh you, too."

5. When you comment on the rarity of men these days who seek mature
relationships, he giggles quite a bit.

6. In conversation with others, he refers to you as his "quality tail."

7. Washing dishes after you've cooked him dinner for the first time,
you reach behind you to take the paper towels off the paper-towel rod
and then realize that you don't own a paper-towel rod.

8. When you're insulted by his "motel" suggestion at the end of your
first date, he looks impressed and says, "hotel."

9. When you proudly recount your glorious high school valedictory
speech to him, he praises "your multi-talented mouth."

10. When you tell him what you do for a living, he stares at your
breasts and loudly asks, "What do they do?"


There were two gay guys living together.

One was more feminine and the other more masculine. The masculine one
lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him. So,
one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and
if there was something he could do about it.

Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy, and really
the only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline
all over his chest daily and perhaps the skin would become stimulated enough
to produce hair.

The masculine homosexual was elated. He went immediately home and
smothered his chest in V-gel. When his partner came home and jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, "What in the hell are you doing?"

The masculine one explained what the doctor said and waited for comment
from his partner.

Finally, his partner said, "Don't you think if that was true that you
would have a pony tail coming out of your ass by now?"

Bar Room Chat Translations

"You get this one, next round is on me." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

"I'll get this one, next one is on you." (Happy hour is about to end...now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be 4.50 a pop.)

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." [female] (I'm easy.)

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." [male] (I'm gay.)

"Ever try a body shot?" [male to female] (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

"Ever try a body shot?" [female to male] (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)

"I don't feel well, let's go home." [female] (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

"I don't feel well, let's go home." [male] (I'm horny.)

"Who's got the next round?" (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

"What do you have on tap?" (What's cheap?)

"Can I have a white Russian?" [male] (I'm really gay.)

"Can I have a white Russian?" [female] (I'm really easy.)

"That person looks really familiar." (Did I sleep with him/her?)

"Can I just get a glass of water?" [female] (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

"Can I just get a glass of water?" [male] (I'm annoying, and cheap to boot.)

"I don't have my ID on me." [female] (I'm 19.)

"I don't have my ID on me." [male] (I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.)

"Excuse Me." [male to male] (Get the fuck out of the way.)

"Excuse Me." [male to female] (I am going to grope you now.)

"Excuse Me." [female to male] (Don't even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of the way.)

"Excuse Me." [female to female] (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)
 
The night before XXXmas

Twas the night befor Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"

He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.

"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!"

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"

The Fucking Night Before Christmas, Dammit!

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Everybody felt shitty -- even the mouse.
Mom at the Whorehouse and Dad smoking grass;
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece to see what the matter
Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment: it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment the fat fucker fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch blew the chimney apart,
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
"Piss on you all and have a hell of a night!"

Xmas Carols for the Alternative Sexual Lifestyle:

Little Hummer Boy

A Lay In A Manger

Oh, Cum All Ye Faithful

I Came Upon A Midnight Queer

Here Cums Santa Claus

I'm Creaming On A White Christmas

You Boff The Red-nosed Vain Queer

Oh, Hole-y Night

Santa Claus Is Cumming, You Clown

Frosty The Blow Man
 
Another Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.
No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.
There'd be no damn reindeer, and so stupid clatter.

There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.
I'll be alone, my computer and me.
I won't race to the window, to see him arrive.
I'll just sit right here...with windows ninety-five.

There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around.
None of my regular buddies are found.
I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.
Age, sex, location is all that's about.

As, I was about to go check out the net.
I got an E-mail which I didn't expect.
A lady told me, she had read my profile.
And, ask, if I might like to chat for a while.

She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave.
But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.
She said, it's the first time, she'd ever been on.
But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.

She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.
But, she said, her husband, left it on... tonight.
He's away on some business; He'll be gone all night.
So, she thought she'd use it, " I guess it's all right."

She started to tell me, about her whole life.
How she was expected to be a good wife.
She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.
Because she was forced, to do such silly deeds.

She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.
Then finally told me.....she was oversexed.
She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told.
He was always too busy, and getting too old.

Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.
She asked me to teach her , to have cyber-sex.
I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.
Then after an hour, she got really good.

After five hours, my fingers were sore.
I told her, that I couldn't go anymore.
She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.
And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.

She said she would be on, the same time next year.
Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here.
She said only...on this night, she could be found
It is only...this night, her husband leaves town.

She said bye, and signed off...and i had to pause.
I think I just cybered with Mrs. Santa Claus!

Ask Aunt Nasty

Dear Aunt Nasty,

My boyfriend has been after me to try anal sex with him, but I
keep telling him no. I have tried it before. It hurt and I
didn't like it at all, but I can't tell him that because he
thinks he is the only one I have ever been with. It is
starting to become an issue, and while I don't want to lose
him, I do not wish to have to suffer through anal sex.

sincerely,
No Butt
~

Dear No Butt

My dear, you simply haven't had anal sex performed correctly
if you didn't like it. My goodness no! I thought the same
way for many years, and then one day, my lover surprised me
at the PERFECT time, and I have been hooked ever since. You
simply haven't experienced an *orgasm* until you've
experienced an anal orgasm. And try double penetration for
the absolute *ultimate* in orgasms.

Aunt Nasty

========== ========= ========= =========

What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving
professional man who will just love them for who they are.

What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with
them only because no other woman wants him.
~~~
What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and
Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and
can suck the chrome off a flag pole.

What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those
80 extra lbs. the moment after she says "I Do", beginning
with the wedding cake!
~~~
What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the
time to kiss and gently caress, slowly building up to a
wonderful joyous experience together.

What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank- You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart,
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
~~~
What men expect out of a marriage: 3 loving children who
honor their parents.

What they get: 3 hellions who are a combination of their
parents every fault and make their life a living hell.
 
**Long Pause**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the

table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy
that

Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he
didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the
bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***


Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool, what swimming pool? Is this 937-2819?"


A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl.

She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked.

The petting went on and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying it, but suddenly objected,

"Ouch! Your ring is hurting me!"
"That's no ring... That's my watch!


One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am.... could I see your drivers license...?" "What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer.
After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop. "Registration..... what's that?" asked the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment," said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute," said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?"
"Yes," replied the officer.
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher. "Uh... yes" replied the cop.
"Here's what you do," said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants." "WHAT!!? I can't do that. It's..... inappropriate," exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me..... just do it," said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs, "Oh no ... not ANOTHER breathalyzer."

HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE FROM THE PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF KALIFORNIA

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none of them are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Flower.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and
Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember.....is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking place can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11.Un like back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball
cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney, really is George
Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember....is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news
station "Storm Watch"
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
early to avoid all the weather related accidents.
17. Hey!!!!! is pot illegal?
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal
trainers, and cosmetic surgeons.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20 If you drive illegally, they take your driver's licence. If you're
here illegally, they want to give you one.

A little boy wakes up one night and walks into his parent’s bedroom
while they're making love;
the mother rises up in surprise and says "Oh honey you go back to bed now."
And the little boy says "but I want to sleep with you tonight."
The mother says,
"No honey not tonight, you know that little brother or little sister you've always wanted?"
The little boy say's "Yeah"
The mother replies "well your daddy and I are making that for you
and it'll be here in about 9 months, so you go back to bed now."
The little boys say, "Oh Boy, O.K. I'll go back to bed.

So the next day the father pulls up into the driveway
and sees the little boy sitting on the front porch just balling his eyes out.
The father jumps out of the car and runs over to the little boy and asks,
"What in the world is the matter son?"
The little boy replies with sniffles and tears streaming down his face
"Daddy you know that little brother or sister
you and mommy were making for me last night?'
The father replies "Yes son"
The son screams "Well The Milkman Came and Ate It Up This Morning!!!"
 
Pick Up lines

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed
bag.

3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.

7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.

9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas,
could I meet you between the holidays?

11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount
you or eat you!

12. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

13. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?

14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and
I'll give you the meat.

16. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in
those pants"

17. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

19. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a
light switch away.

21. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous
curves ahead, yield?

22. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into
this motel room.

23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you
blow the hell out of me.

24. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking
to you.

27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be
coming too.

28. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat
me to it.

29. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

Women's/Men' s English

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

``Yes = No
``No = Yes
``Maybe = No
``I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
``We need = I want
``It's your decision = The correct decision should be
obvious by now
``Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
``We need to talk = I need to complain
``Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
``I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
``You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
``You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you
ever think about?
``Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
``This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
``I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and
wallpaper
``Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
``I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
``Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something
expensive
``How much do you love me? = I did something today you're
really not going to like
``I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and
find a good game on TV
``Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
``You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
``Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead
``Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and
walk him until he goes to sleep
``I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think
this is important
``The same old thing = Nothing
``Nothing = Everything
``Everything = My PMS is acting up
``Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole

MEN'S ENGLISH

``I'm hungry = I'm hungry
``I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
``I'm tired = I'm tired
``Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex
with you
``Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex
with you
``Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with
you
``May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
``Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
``You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to
fondle you
``What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a
big deal out of this
``What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted
psychological trauma are you going through now?
``What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the
question
``I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
``I love you = Let's have sex now
``I love you, too = Okay, I said it, we'd better have sex
now!
``Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it
better before
``Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it
doesn't look that much different!
``Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that
I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to
have sex with me
``Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you
to have sex with other guys
(while shopping)
``I like that one better = Pick any
freakin' dress and let's go home!
``I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well
together = I am gay.
 
Uncle Bruce...
(The Agony Aunt With Balls)

Extracts from the problem page of the famous Australian men's magazine
"Cobbler's", starring the legendary "Uncle Bruce,"... the " agony aunt
with Balls"

Dear Bruce;
Q: I have some lucky condoms that I keep in my wallet. I am
beginning to wonder if they really are lucky as they have been there for
two months.
A: Jesus mate, no worries. Men only use rubbers when they
are sober anyway. Guess that means you've been pissed for two months
which makes you one lucky b@st@rd! Just on a medical note rubbers are
good when you do an Abo as they are smelly b@st@rds, Oh and Roos too,
helps avoid bush rash.

Dear Bruce;
Q: My girlfriend got upset when I suggested I use an old
girlfriend's vibrator on her.
A: No worries. I've seen this before.
Women need reassuring. Tell the stupid bitch that you have cleaned it
since you last used it. Sometimes Sheila's get hung up on hygiene.

Dear Bruce;
Q: I gave my sister one up the shitter and now she wants me
to do her mate.
A: Eh mate you're from Melbourne right? No worries mate,
as long as her mate is a Sheila it's ok.

Dear Bruce;
Q: After my last Hockey game I got an erection in the
showers. Is this normal , I am a single guy and like girls.
A: Nah mate
you're queer. Only queers play hockey.

Dear Bruce;
Q: My wife says I don't use enough lubricant before we have
sex.
A: Exactly how many beers are you drinking before you root her ?

Dear Bruce;
Q: I am beginning to suspect I am gay. I wear leather
trousers and have just grown a Freddie Mercury moustache. I don't know who to turn to.
A: Get a grip of yourself man. Face facts, be logical:
You're queer, no one likes you , get a gun, blow your brains out.

Dear Bruce;
Q: My girl friend says we don't do enough foreplay.
A: Geez
mate, you had me stumped for a bit. I didn't recognize the word
Foreplay. Then it struck me, Fore is what you shout in golf.. Jeez guy,
men don't play golf with women but it's ok for her practice putting with
your dick.

Dear Bruce;
Q: I fooled around with a Kiwi and now I have a dose. What
do I do ?
A: Deny ,deny, deny, deny, deny and never ever ,ever, ever
,ever admit to going with a kiwi.

Dear Bruce;
Q: The boys are telling me there is such a thing as Dingo sex.
What is it ?
A: There are two types. The first one when you wake up next
to a f*cking ugly Sheila and you chew your arm off to escape rather than
wake her, just like a dingo caught in a trap, and the other one is when
you drink too much and your old boy it Dingo in and dingo hard.

New Years Poem

T'was the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.

I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all
and to all a good diet!
 
Payback's a bitch

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's cock and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.


A gynecologist examines a lesbian and remarked "Madam that is the cleanest vagina I have ever seen"
She replied "Thank you, I have a woman in twice a week !"
=====
A salesman knocks on a house door. Little Johnny answers the door, dressed in a pair of underpants, huge joint in one hand and a can of beer in the other.
"Hello little boy, is your Mummy or Daddy in?"
"What the fuck do you think?"
=====
A middle aged woman is looking in the mirror one evening and says to her husband....
"GOD LOOK AT ME, I look fat, old and ugly. Please pay me a compliment"
"YER FUCKIN EYESIGHT IS RIGHT ON" He says

New Year's Resolutions
New Year's Resolutions For Him & Her [Him (Y) / Her (X)]

X - Lose weight / Go on a diet / Drink more water
Y - One case beer per weekend (unless having guys over or
Superbowl weekend)

X - ONLY - one chocolate bar per week
Y - ONLY - three nights at topless bar per week

X - Workout - Jog/Step Bench 5 times week
Y - Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom
TV remote

X - Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine
Y - Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria's Secret catalog mailing
list

X - Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting
Y - Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing

X - Get organized/clean house
Y - Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother)

X - Buy new Daily Planner
Y - Buy new little Black Book if no luck under furniture

X - Find out name of tall good-looking guy in Finance
Y - Score with tall, long-legged Blond in Finance

X - Read More / Less TV
Y - Buy Dish - More sports channels!!

X - Watch quality TV with positive messages
Y - When surfing DO NOT stop on "Allie McBeal" -EVER

X - Plan budget / Save more money
Y - Only three nights at topless bar per week
 
Ten Indications of a New Year Hangover

You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets.
Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."
Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.
The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.
You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
Your catch phrase is, "Never again."
You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.
Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"

==========

The New Year's Eve party had turned into a regular marathon with numerous guests coming and going.
At one point, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to the bar in the basement.
He sat there happily for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face. "You know," he confided to his host: "I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my driveway."
The guest continued: "My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved."

New Years Resolutions For Pets

15. I will not eat other animals' poop.

14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.

9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.

8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!

6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.

5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.

3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND
============
New Year Resolutions For Nerds
16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.

14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.

10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

6. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

5. No more downloads from Alt. binaries*

4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...

3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

1. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
 
Naughty Shorties

A man's balls had turned brown and he was worried so he made an Appointment with his doctor.

When he got home from the appointment he sat down in his chair in the living room.

He hollered for his wife to come from the kitchen.

After a while when she didn't come he hollered again.

After the third time she hollered back, "I haven't got time. I am fixing dinner; I have clothes here to iron, the baby is crying and needs changed. I don't have time to wipe my ass.

He said," That's what I want to talk to you about".
__________

May your bleeding piles torment you
And corns grow on your feet
And crabs the size of horse turds
Get on your balls and eat
And when you're old and feeble
A syphilletic wreck
May your head fall through your asshole
And break your fucking neck
__________

There was once a man from Boston,
who bought himself an Austin
He had room for his gas,
And half his ass,
but his balls hung down, and he lost em.
__________

Old Mother Hubbard, went to the cupboard
to get her dog a bone
When she got there, she found the cupboard
was bare, but the dog
had a bone of his own.
__________

Ginger was feeling quite gruff
'Til he placed his head in her muff
Then she purred like a kitty
When his tongue hit her clitty
Saying, "I just cannot get enough!"
__________

While Greeley was fucking Miss Klutz,
She said as he plunged in his putz,
"Do you love me dear Greeley?"
He answered, "Not really,
I just wanted to blow off my nuts."
__________

Three gays are in a spa bath - Suddenly a blob of semen floats to the
surface of the spa.
They all look at each other and one says to the other two:
"Ok, which of you two morons farted?"
__________

The New Zealand couple finally worked out a solution to the eternal
love triangle. They ate the sheep.
__________

A Kiwi farmer was counting his sheep:
"205, 206, 207, hello darling, 209, 210...."
__________

The farmer's wife gave him a plate of grass for his dinner.
"What the hell's this?" he exploded.
"If its good enough for you girlfriend then it's good enough for you!"
she said.
__________

Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
and didn't know where to find them
But a search revealed they where in the next field
With a dirty big Kiwi behind them.

"Advice For Young Girlfriends"

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to
love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as
emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember
is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes,
however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem
strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or
embarrassed.
After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave
you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf.
Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar
for the purpose of consuming large
amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies.
Don't feel left out -- while he's
gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or
perhaps even going out to buy him an
expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do
after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a
sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few
beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an
expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true.

The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer
than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual
organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your
lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his
laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.
 
Little Johnny

Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse in school and asks
his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and
replies, "Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time."

Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go
there, too, but his father insists that he's too young.

Saturday night rolls around. Johnny's dad and a few of his
friends head out to Mable's ("Liquor In The Front, Poker In
The Rear! -- Our Customers Come First!) for a "good time."

Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.

After his dad and his dad's friends have been safely inside for
some time, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The madame
opens the door. "Yes?" she asks.

"I'm here to have a good time!"

The madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted
soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts
and then bids him goodbye.

When he gets home, his dad is frantic. (Dad obviously had
come and gone at Mabel's.) "Where have you been?"

"I went to a WHOREHOUSE!" Johnny proudly boasted!

Johnny's dad blanched. "Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?"

"Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just
licked the third one!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his
neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're
going to have a baby! Until the doctor confirms the test result we
can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell,
because the couple hasn't paid their last bill:

"Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a
bull, rushes to the electric company's office the first thing the next
morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month
overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to
do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle!"

Splitting Headache

I cuddled up to my wife and softly whispered into her ear: "Could we make love, please dear?"

She rolled over away from him. "Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied rather tersely.

Too horny to read the obvious signals the husband pleaded. "Please, honey. I'll only stick it in for a minute"

"What do you think I am," his wife retorted, "a fucking microwave?"
------------
Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.
"What's up Dave" asked the Landlord...
"It's not like you to be so down in the mouth"
"It's my four year old son..." the man replied.
"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting
in school? - my lad's just the same - forget
about it, it happens to boys that age" said
the landlord, sympathetically. " I only wish
it was that" continued the customer, " but it's
far worse than that. The little bastard has got
our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbor pregnant."
"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the landlord
"It's not" said the man...
"the little shit stuck a pin in all my condoms"

------------

Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
A. You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.

Q. What happens when you kiss a canary?
A. You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.

Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.

Q. Why do bunnies have soft sex?
A. They have cotton balls

Q. How can you tell if you are in a gay amusement park?
A. They issue gerbils at the tunnel of love.
 
In The Pub Toilet

A guy is in the pub toilet having a piss when the door to the
bathroom opens. In walks a very large, very muscular guy. This
guy proceeds to pull down his pants, revealing a very large penis.

To the man's amazement, the muscular guy growls and slams his penis
into the sink attached to the wall. It shatters, spraying pieces and
water everywhere. Next, the muscular man growls louder, and slams his
penis into one of the stalls, making the entire thing collapse. Then
he slams his penis into the wall of the room, knocking a very large
hole into it.

The muscular man approaches the scared guy having a piss.

"Hey, mate, do you see this very large, very strong cock?" he asks.

"Yes," replies the guy taking a leak.

"Do you know what I am going to do with this very large, very strong cock?"
the muscular man asks.

"No, I'm afraid I don't," says the first man.

"I'm going to shove it up your arse!" exclaims the muscular guy.

"Jesus, that's a relief. I thought you were going to hit me with it!"

====================

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.
"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive."
The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.
"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief.
"My husband just found another one."

====================

Q: Did you hear about the new deodorant called Umpire?
A: It's for foul balls.

Q: Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library?
A: Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been coloured in yet.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.

Golden Gate Bridge

Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph.
Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar.
Bob pulled over like a good citizen, recalling Rodney King and recent
illegal alien incidents.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were
going BOY?!?"
Bob thought for a second and asked, "Uhhh, over 55?"
"93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!"
"But if you already knew," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion,
"That's speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a
good look at the Bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a job!
Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob recanted, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on
his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?"
"I'm a Pussy stretcher!!!" replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?!?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a Pussy stretcher!!!"
Of course the cop asked, "What does a Pussy stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "Girls call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I
go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more,
and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther
apart until it's six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and
asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot Pussy?"
Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar detector and stick it
at the end of a bridge.
___________

At a party a guy cornered a girl and whispered something
in her ear.

"You filthy pervert!" she shrieked. "What makes you think
I'd let you do a thing like that to me?" Then her eyes narrowed and
she said, "Unless you're the son-of-a-bitch that stole my diary....
 
A Farmer And His Attorney

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend
him against a charge of bestiality.

"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and
doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued,
"who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to
pick a jury."

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately
had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his
testimony.

"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when
he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."

The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up
hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next
to him, "You know, a good goat will do that

~~~~~

Little Jill comes home from playing at Johnny's house. "Hey Mom, guess
what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!" Mom is understandably
confused for a second, then asks, "What, you mean it's shaped like a
peanut?" "No silly, it's salty!"

~~~~~

Two guys are drinking at a bar.
The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something,
and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?"

The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets,
and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits,
and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh'
I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh'
The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last
week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?',
I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'

Denise's Grandma

Denise was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a hotel, and Denise was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Denise's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear? "Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Denise told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age?
How do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."

The policeman fainted.

http://us.mc375.mail.yahoo.com/mc/[email protected]&subject=PPC

AN OLD GEEZER

An old geezer in an old people's home takes a fancy to a woman who is
also staying there. One day he plucks up the courage to go and talk to
her and after a while he says he would like to make love to her. She
agrees that when everybody else goes on a day trip they both stay behind
at the home and get down to it.

The old man goes to the woman's room and asks her how she likes to be
made love to. She tells him that she loves a man to go down on her and
asks him if he would mind. He says he would love to do that for her and
goes for it.

After about 30 seconds he comes back up and says that he is sorry but it
just smells too bad down there. She thinks for a minute and tells him
that it must be the arthritis. He looks and her confused and states that
surely you can't get arthritis down there and even if you could it
wouldn't cause that smell.

She says "No it's the arthritis in my shoulder; I can't wipe my ass
properly!"

{}{}{}{}

We lay upon the grassy bank,
my hands were all a quiver,
I slowly undid her suspender belt
and her leg fell in the river.
 
Mrs. Schmidlap

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."
The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"
So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."
Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."
One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt.
He said to her, “If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle.”
The wife was angry but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, “If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.”
The wife grabbed her husband’s penis and replied, “and if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your bother!”
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

nnn

A man was lying on his deathbed, his wife there to comfort him during his last moments. Being a good catholic and a strong believer in confession he began to say something that he felt he needed to get off of his chest before passing from this present life. As he began to speak though, his wife told him not to speak, to save his strength but he would hear nothing of the sort for he knew the end was already near. So his faithful wife listened as he said in his rapidly fading voice, “honey, I love you so I feel like I should be the one to tell you this. I cheated on you with your sister, your sister's friend, and your sister's friend's sister.'' Now the man, having spent the last of his strength lay quietly as his wife looked at him with lovingly understanding eyes and said, ''I know...that's why I poisoned you.''

The Blonde Lottery

A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, You have to meet me halfway on this... You have to buy a ticket."
======
A Brunette a Blonde and a Red head are all in the third grade,
who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde,she's eighteen.
A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street.
The brunette says to the blonde, "My boyfriend has dandruff so I give him Head and Shoulders."
The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?!?!"
Q. How do you know when a blonde's having a bad day?
A. Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
======
In Las Vegas there's a nightclub that has a very special mirror in the ladies room. When you stand in front of this mirror and tell a lie the mirror swallows you.
A rather ugly woman stands in front of the mirror and says: '' I think I am the most beautiful woman in the whole world!''
SHUM! The mirror swallows her
Then a fat woman stands in front of it and says:’ I think I am the sexiest woman on earth!''
SHUM! The mirror swallows her.
Afterwards a very good looking-sexy blonde stands in front of the mirror and says:
''I think.''
SHUM!
 
Cyber-Sex Dear John Letter:

You never know, this might come in handy one day.

Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name),

Best Friends

There's these three guys, best friends since childhood...
One of them is ****** an absolutely stunning babe, and is always bragging to
his buddies about the sex they have.
Then one day, for who knows what
reason, the guy decides that he's getting tired of the lovely lady, he
needs some new thrills in his life, and pulls a complete 180, declaring he's gay.
"Damn," his friends say, "you know that you're probably going to get AIDS and die!"
Hey, I'll take my chances," he says. "I just needed some kind of
change, and wow, did I find it!"
Well, to make a long story short, in a couple years he indeed
contracts AIDS, and is told he only has a few months left.
As he's
lying on his death-bed, he calls his old friends together one last time.
"Guys," he gasps, "you've got to promise me one last thing."
"Sure," say his mates. "What can we do for you?"
"When I'm dead and buried, will you make sure I have the nicest
tombstone you can find?" he asks. "And will you make sure something's
written on it that everyone will remember me for?"
They promise him, and with one final gasp dies... But remembering
their promise, his friends found a beautiful granite stone, and had it
engraved:

Ashes To Ashes,
Dust To Dust,
If You'd Stuck To Pussy,
You'd Still Be With Us.

*Ideal Wife*
The Ideal Wife should be beautiful,
but not so beautiful that people think
you married her only for her beauty.
And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy,
but not so wealthy that people think
you married her only for her money.
And The Ideal Wife should be gentle,
but not so gentle that she can't
suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.


A couple had been married for thirty years.
On their anniversary they decided to
go back to the same hotel where they
had spent their blissful wedding night.

The husband was lying on the bed when
the wife came out of the bathroom
totally nude, just as she had done
thirty years ago. Standing seductively
before him, she asked, "Tell me, darling,
what were you thinking thirty years ago
when I came out of the bathroom like this?"

"I took one look at you and thought I'd
like to fuck your brains out and
suck your boobs dry!"

"And what are you thinking now, baby?"
she asked huskily.

"I'm thinking I did a pretty good job of it."

I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action:

_____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of "brb gotta pee" took some of the romance out of it.
_____ Your use of the term "the ol' cyber ball and chain" to refer to me has hurt my feelings.
_____ I've found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation.
_____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest:
· __ You typed: "I remove my bra" when you claimed to be a man.
· __ You typed: "I enter you" when you claimed to be a woman.
· __ You typed your own name at the end.
· __ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel.
· __ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me.
· __ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.
· __ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __jpg __ police record.
· __ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges.
· __ Mommy says I need to spend less time on the computer.
· __ Your mommy called me and yelled at me because of all the time you're spending on the computer.
· __ I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord, and I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the end of times come. They are closer than you think.
· ___ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating.
· ___ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole.
· ___ I am entering the witness protection program.

Please understand,__ [screen name] and/or __ you misbegotten son of a bitch__ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia], that there is nothing personal in this. We've simply grown apart. Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney,
__ Respectfully,
__ Gleefully,
__ I have to go before the warden calls "lights out,"
__ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs,
__ Good riddance,
[Name or alias]

P.S. I suggest that you refrain from using recycled pixels
 
Larger Breasts

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion: ` "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a
piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few
seconds." ` Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper
and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts."How
long will this take?" I ask. "They will grow larger over a period of
years," he replies. ` "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet
paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years. Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't
it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk
again

======

Over at Hillcrest Baptist Medical Center late yesterday was a lady who'd swallowed a super Gillette razor blade.
As she sat awaiting her ride she said her doctor'd discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomyand a hysterectomy, but also'd castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, given her vicar a hair lip -- 'n still there were 5 shaves left!

=======

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below
sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth, but with no scuba
gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 feet, and the
guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went down 25 feet
more, and minutes later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set,
and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep
without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written,
and wrote, ..."I'm drowning, you fucking moron...!"

Apples

A man is driving down a country road when he sees a sign,
"Apples $5.00 each." Intrigued to find out why an apple should
Cost that much, he stops and asks the farmer why the apples
Are so expensive.
The farmer says, "These are special peanut butter and jelly
Apples. Here, try one."
The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable; I taste the
Peanut butter but not the jelly."
The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does and he savors a
Sweet jelly.
The farmer says, "I've got ham and cheese apples, too, but
They're $10.00 each."
The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, "Wow,
These are great but I taste the ham but not the cheese."
The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does, takes a bite and
A rich, creamy cheese taste fills his mouth.
The farmer says, "N ow, if you really like those, I've got
Some very special apples that cost $50.00 each. They're pussy
Apples."
The man cannot resist and buys one. He takes a bite and says,
"YUCK, these taste like shit!"
The farmer says, "Turn it around."


John was in a bar looking very dejected.
His friend, Steve, walked over and asked,
"What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law, " John replied,
While shaking his head sadly. "I have
A real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has
Problems with their mother-in-law. "
"Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."
 
Complete Asshole

Certificate of Upgrade to Complete Asshole
Awarded to____________________________________In recognition of your obnoxious attitude, ability to piss people off, complete asinine juvenile behavior and total dedication to personal gain without regard to the many hardships you have forced upon friends, family and others during your lifetime, you have become a legend in your own mind. To recognize your upgrade from half-assed to complete asshole, gives all concerned great satisfaction. If anyone, for any reason, doubts your status.
JUST BE YOURSELF......!!!!!
Effective as of this_____day of_________________2012
Per:____________________________
Authorized Signature


A lady and her husband have been arguing back
And forth for some time. She makes an appointment
To see her doctor and tells him, "My husband
Has been complaining that my pussy has an odor,
But I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't
Smell anything."

The doctor examines her, and then says,
"Ma'am, you need an operation."

She says, "On my pussy?"

He says, "No, on your NOSE!"

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"'Good", she replied "Get your own damn blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

Reasons For Leaving Jobs

My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned because I couldn't Concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it,
so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor,
but I just wasn't suited for it.
Mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory
but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber,
but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef,
figured it would add a little spice to my life
but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker,
but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician,
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor,
but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory;
I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch,
so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company,
but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes
but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center),
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting,
but the work was shocking.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks,
but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
You got any ideas?
I'm opened for suggestions .........maybe you have something that WORKS..........because I don't.

()()()()()

Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.
Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"
Mary Elizabeth turns and says, "Mine does..."
 
A Gorilla In Heat

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of
gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female,
became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon
examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the
problem: she was in heat. What was he to do? There was
no male of this species available. While reflecting on
their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an
employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.
Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to
satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the
zoo administrators thought they might have a
solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy
the female gorilla?

He was approached with a proposition: would he be
willing to screw the gorilla - for five hundred bucks?

Mike replied that he might be interested, but would
have to think the matter over. The following day, Mike
announced that he would accept their offer, but only
under three conditions:
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her,"
and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring
that may result from this union."
The zoo administration quickly conceded to these
conditions,
but what could be the third?
"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week
to come up with the five hundred bucks."

~~~~~

A WOMAN'S REFLECTION ON MENOPAUSE:
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able
to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking
red dent on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

A Trip To Rome

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome?
Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something
special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small,
the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him.
He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's
brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine
were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel,
the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave
us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the
shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the
Pope walked through the door and shook my hand; I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"

~~~~~

Q: How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?
A: Give the bitch a shovel.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Let's keep incest in the family.

Constipation is the thief of time; diarrhea waits for no man.

Q: Why did Dorothy get lost in Oz?
A: She had three men giving her directions.

Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide all his eggs?
A: He doesn't want you to know that he fucks chickens.

MALE DICTIONARY FOR FEMALES

Just in case we don't understand one another.
1."I'm going fishing" -
Means.. "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety"
2. "It's a guy thing" -
Means.. "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
3. "Can I help with dinner?" -
Means.. "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"
4. "Uh huh", "Sure honey," or "Yes dear" -
Means.. Absolutely nothing; it is a conditioned response.
5. "It would take too long to explain" -
Means.. "I have no idea how it works".
6. "We're going to be late" -
Means.. "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac".
7. "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind"
Means.. "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra".
8. "Take a break honey, you're working too hard" -
Means.. "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner".
9. "That's interesting dear" -
Means.. "Are you still talking?"
10."It's a really good movie" -
Means.. "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women".
11."That's women's work" -
Means.. "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless".
12."You know how bad my memory is" -
Means.. "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday or our anniversary."
13."I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses" -
Means.. "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe".
14."Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal" -
Means.. "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt".
15."Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing" -
Means.. "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon".
16."I can't find it" -
Means.. "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless".
17."What did I do this time?" -
Means.. "What did you catch me at?"
18."I heard you" -
Means.. "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
19."You know I could never love anyone else" -
Means.. "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse".
20."You look terrific" -
Means.. "Oh God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving!"
21."I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are" -
Means.. "No one will ever see us alive again".
22."We share the housework" -
Means.. "I make the messes, she cleans them up".
 

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