JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

The Leper And His Meal

A leper goes into a Mexican restaurant and says: "I'll have a taco combination plate -- and you'd better make it to go."
The waitress, realizing that the leper is embarrassed by his appearance, says compassionately: "Sir, you're very welcome here. Why don't you sit down and eat here?"
So the leper sits down and when his food comes and he begins to eat, a piece of his earlobe falls into his plate. He hears guests gagging and says to the waitress: "look, I think you'd better just box this food up so I can eat it at home."
"Nonsense," says the waitress. "I won't hear of it."
So he takes a few more bites, and a piece of his nose falls off. More gagging from the patrons. "Look," he says, "I'm making people gag. Please, just box this up for me."
"Sir," says the waitress, "it's not you who's making these people gag. The lady behind you has been dipping tortilla chips in the back of your neck!"

==========

A girl came home from a date. Her mum had waited up for her, and when the girl walked in the door, the mother noticed she had rice in her hair.
"Sharon," she said, "you didn't tell me you were going to a wedding."
"I didn't mum," the daughter replied.
"I was giving a blowjob to this asian guy and he threw up on me."

==========

A man is driving down the freeway and immediately pulls over when he spots a little girl on the side of the road. He sees that she is crying and asks her what is wrong. The girl points over to a car that is crashed and turned over. The man says "oh no, where are your parents sweety?" She crys harder and points again to the wrecked car. The man pulls his fly down and say, "well sweety, today is not your lucky day..."

==========

Three blondes go into a resteraunt have a seat then start masterbating.. the waitress comes over and says "what the hell are you doing?"
the blondes point to a sign that reads..... "FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE"

A Farmer And His Three Daughters

OK... so theres a farmer, named John, an absolute fucken weapon, I mean the guys 6"4, 230 pounds- built like a rig...u'd never fuck with this guy. now John also happens to have these 3 really attractive, 17 yr old daughters, there really hot, and he's really protective of them... so every Friday night, guys come from all around the contry side just to try and pick up this farmers daughters, and he sits ther by the front door with his shot gun ready to blast any fucker that disrespects his daughters. so friday nite he's sittin there shot gun in hand drinkin a beer and the door knocks... this little scrawny kids at the door and stutters 'Hh-hhh-hi my names Jo im here to pick up Flo im goin to take her to the show... Farmer John sez now that doesnt sound to bad ya know, Flo comin on your goin to the show. 10 minutes later the door knocks again.. another young lad asnwers and sez hi im Eddy im here to pick up betty were gunna eat spaghetti. again farmer john sez ahh ya know that doesnt sound to bad either, Betty get goin.. after while the farmers gettin but pissed off... he didnt get to use his shotgun at all tonite, half n hour goes by and the door knocks again... he answers. the lad at the door goes G'day mate my names tucker.....farmer blows his fucken head off.


My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.


A woman with huge breasts was out for a walk when she was jumped by a man holding a gun. When he motioned for her to take off her blouse, she warned him he'd regret it, but he insisted. Next he made her take her bra off, and when a giant set of tits popped into view he began to get incredibly excited. "Take your skirt off," he demanded, ignoring her warnings that he leave off. So, off came the skirt, and then the panties, revealing an equally huge pussy, green and slimy and swarming with bugs. Shocked and repelled, he stepped back and dropped the gun to the ground. Grabbing the gun, the woman pointed it at him, smiled broadly, and commanded, "Eat Me."

 

[melody]

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman."

"Why the postman?"

"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

========
Guy says to his wife, “Alright you sexy thing, upstairs, now!”
The wife looks at him with a smile and says “Ohhhh, you horny bastard you!”
Guy reples “No seriously, hockey is starting… fuck off upstairs!”
========
There was a young lady of Clewer,
who was riding a bike and it threw her,
a man saw her there,
with her legs in the air,
and seized the occasion to screw her.
========
I went to the doctor the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, and drop-dead gorgeous! I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.” I said, “I think my penis tastes funny…”
========
There once was a lass from Kilkenny,
whose usual price was a penny,
for half of that sum,
you could finger her bum,
and have money left over for Denny’s.
========
I went into the Shell gas station this morning and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: How can you tell if your husband might be unfaithful?
A: Check and see if he has a penis.
========
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. “I’m 90 years old,” he says. “90!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?” “Oh, sorry…” says the old man, “How much do I owe you?”
========
“Get this…” said the bloke to his mates “Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. “Did he get anything?” his mates asked. “Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.”

The Farter Chart .... Types Of Farters
(Part 1)

VAIN : One who loves the smell of his own fart
AMBITIOUS : Always ready for a fart
LAZY : Just fizzles
AMIABLE : Likes to smell others' farts
PROUD : Thinks his farts are exceptionally pleasant
SHY : Blushes when he farts silently
IRREVERENT : Farts in church
SMART ALEC : Farts when ladies are present
CLEVER : Farts and coughs at the same time
SCIENTIFIC : Bottles his farts for later sniffing
STINGY : Belches to save his ass hole
TIMID : Jumps when he farts
CONCEITED : Thinks he can fart the loudest
UNFORTUNATE : Tries to fart but shits himself
FOOLISH : Suppresses a fart for hours
BEWILDERED : Can't tell his own fart from others
NERVOUS : Stops in the middle of a fart
MISERABLE : Can't fart at all
CONFUSED : Face is so much like an ass, fart can't tell which way to go
GROUCH : Grumbles when ladies fart
SNEAKY : Farts and blames it on the dog
DISAPPOINTED : Fart doesn't smell
CHILDISH : Farts and then giggles
FRESH GUY : Jumps in front of you and then farts
BIG BULLY : Farts louder than others
DUMB : Enjoys others' farts, thinks they are his own
CUTE : Smells your farts and then tells you what you were eating
WISE GUY : Farts and asks who shit
DAMNED MEAN : Farts and then pulls the covers over his wife's head
MUSICAL : Tenor or bass, clear as a bell, smells like shit and sounds like hell
ATHLETIC : Jumps in the air, farts 3 times, and kicks his heels 3 times
SLOB : Farts and stains his underwear
IMPUDENT : Farts out loud and then laughs
ENVIRONMENTALIST : Farts regularly but is concerned about the pollution
HONEST : Admits he farted but offers a good medical reason
DISHONEST : Farts and then blames the dog
THRIFTY : One who always has farts in reserve
ANTI-SOCIAL : Excuses himself and farts in private
STRATEGIC : Conceals his fart by loud laughter
INTELLECTUAL : Analyzes the smell of his neighbors' fart
WIMPY : Farts at the slightest exertion
SADIST : Farts in bed, then fluffs the covers
SENSITIVE : Farts and then starts crying
AQUATIC : Farts in bath, then breaks bubbles with toes
MASOCHIST : Farts in the bath tub and tries to bite the bubbles

 

[melody]

Stage Or TV

A woman walks into an agents office and says "I
want to be on stage or TV"

To which the agent replies, "well, what do you
do?"

The woman says, "well I cant sing or dance, I
can only do this..."

She picks up her skirt and starts to whistle
'twinkle twinkle little star' out of her minge.

"THAT'S FANTASTIC!" the agent says, "Hang on a
minute," he picks up the phone and calls one of
his agent friends, "Listen to this" he says
to his friend excitedly and puts the telephone
next to the woman's minge, she starts to whistle
the tune again in perfect rhythm. "what do you
think of that?" he says to his mate.

"Just sounds like some cunt whistling to me!"

====================================

A Polish girl went to the gynecologist.
She disrobed and got up into the stirrups.
The doctor was so shocked at the neglectful state of her vagina
he asked, "When was the last time you had a checkup?"

"Well, to be honest with you," she blushed,
"I've never had a Czech up there, but I have had several Hungarians."

====================================

Women are just like orange juice cartons. Its not the shape or the size
that matters, or even how sweet the juice is. It's getting those
fucking flaps to open!

====================================

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far....

 

[melody]

Feminist wisdom

Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong-

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.
(Unknown)

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin-

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being -- hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-

Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome-

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman-

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-

I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited-

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine-

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

Stuck To The Bathroom Floor

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, “Bruce! Bruce!” and he came running in.
“Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor,” she said.
“S’truth, Sheila!” Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. “You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber.”
They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor.
“No way, we can’t do it!” Cobber said, “So let’s try Plan B.”
“Plan B?” exclaimed Bruce, “What’s that?”
“I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her.” replied Cobber.
“Spot on.” Bruce said, “While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples.”
“Play with her nipples?” Cobber said, “Not exactly a good time for that mate!”
“No…” Bruce replied, “But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper!!!”
________

Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that
connects the eyeball to the asshole?
It is called the anal optic nerve.
It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it
doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
________

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the
escalators for over four hours.
What did the blonde do when she broke her Tupperware?
Called the plastic surgeon.
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?
A crazy bitch who will find you!

 

[melody]

Mommy, Mommy!

Mommy, Mommy! I'd like to play marbles now!
Shut up, we'll get Grandpa's glass eye when he goes to sleep!

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all the dog food?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.

Mommy ! Mommy ! I don't want to go to England!
Shut the fuck up, and keep swimming!

Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to visit Grandma
Shut up and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise.
Shut up and eat around it!

Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.

Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles.
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor

Mommy, Mommy! I'm sick of learning how to swim!
Shut up or I'll flush it again!

Mommy, Mommy! I HATE spaghetti!
Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm.

Mommy, Mommy! Why are you moaning?
Shut up, and keep licking.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I buy a new dress?
You know it won't fit over your iron lung

Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers!
Shut up and eat your french fries!

Mommy, Mommy! I'd like to play marbles now!
Shut up, Grandpa wants his glass eye back!

Mommy, Mommy! Don't push me towards the
elevator shAAAAAFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT

"Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again?"
"Shut up, you know that grandma's leg isn't infected anymore."

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is how to learn to swim?
Shut up and get back in the sack!

Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!

Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts.
Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.

Mommy, Mommy!, can I lick the bowl?
Shut up and flush the toilet like the other kids.

Mommy, Mommy!, When is the pool going to be ready?
Shut up and keep spitting.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't like the crunchy stuff in my pea soup!
Shut up, do you expect me to strain Grandpa's vomit?

Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Shut up and get away from the dart board!

Mommy, Mommy! Can we have the nice yellow pudding again?
Shut up, you know that grandma's leg is no longer infected.

Mommy, Mommy! Suzi got run over by a steamroller.
Shut up and get the maple syrup.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!

"Come upstairs, son, like a good boy."
"No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again."

Mommy, Mommy! I just sucked Daddy and my mouth smells shit!
Well, your little brother probably has diarrhea...

Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy bent over and crying?
Shut up and eat your hot dog!

Yo Mama Comebacks!

Let's get off moms, 'cause I just got off yours.
Let's get off moms, 'cause she can't handle those five men on her now.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mom!
I ain't got nuthin' bad to say 'bout Yo mama, 'cause her face says it all!
I'm sorry, I shouldn't talk about Yo mama, 'cause I don't even know the man.
Hey keep my mom out of this and I'll keep this out of Yo mama!
If I wanted any lip from you I'd jiggle my zipper.
If I wanted a comeback, I'd just wipe it off Yo mama's chin.
Hey, if I wanted a comeback, I'd wipe off your chin.
Nice comeback muthafucka, you can scrape that off Yo chin and use it again!
Hey I don't have a mom, me and my dad just use yours!
Hey, I got nothing to say about Yo Mama 'cause she's a real saint... a Saint Bernard.
Man, I ain't even gonna talk about yo daddy 'cause I know him. He's got a human body but a dog's behind... and around the way we call him a bitch.
Man, that snap is so old you might as well be bustin' knock knock jokes. And speaking of knock knock, that's what my balls were doing on Yo Mama's chin last night.
Man, that snap was staler than yo breath.
Man, that snap is so old, the last time I heard it my grandfather was still wearing a leather condom.
That was good, but not as good as Yo mama was last night.
Man, that snaps older than Yo grandma's kick-start vibrator.
Man, that snaps older than the crust in Yo Mama's underwear.
Speakin' of Yo mama, when I was doing her doggy style last night, I realized which side of the family you get your looks from.
Speak where I fucked you last night, you fart you're a liar!
(If your car is insulted) Well, it rides better than Yo mama.


Q: What always happens to the blonde who puts her panties on backwards?
A: She gets her ass chewed out.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is really conceited?
A: She screams out her own name when she comes.

Q: Why won't blondes drink beer on the beach?
A: Because they're afraid they'll get sand in their Schlitz.

Q: Why do blondes get excited when the speed up to 65 miles per hour?
A: Because they know at 69 they get to blow a rod.

A boy bagging groceries at the checkout counter says to
a customer, "Boy, you're just about ugliest woman I've ever
seen."
"Young man!" she snaps, "I didn't come here to be insulted!"
"Really? Where do you usually go?"

 

[melody]

Statements / True Meanings

Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
True Meaning: "I'm poor."

Statement: "I need you."
True Meaning: "My hand is tired."

Statement: "I am different from all the other guys."
True Meaning: "I am not circumcised."

Statement: "I want a commitment."
True Meaning: "I'm sick of masturbation."

Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."

Statement: "It's just orange juice, try it."
True Meaning: "Three more shots, and she'll have her legs around my
head."

Statement: "She's kinda cute."
True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the
head might be necessary."

Statement: "I don't know if I like her."
True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."

Statement: "I miss you so much."
True Meaning: "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to
look good."

Statement: "Was it good for you?"
True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."

Statement: "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
True Meaning: "Is my penis really that small?"

Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."
True Meaning: "Who the hell are you?"

Statement: "Do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find
out sooner or later."

Statement: "How much do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on
their way to tell you by now."

Statement: "I have something to tell you."
True Meaning: "Get tested."

Statement: "I'll give you a call."
True Meaning: "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than
see you again."

Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

Statement: "I think we should just be frien
ds."
True Meaning: "You're ugly."

Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"

Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"
True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."

90909090909

Michael Jackson strolls up to a little boy on the street corner and says,
“Would you like to see my new puppy?”
The little boy says, “For $20.00 I’ll even play with his bone.”

Michael Jackson in a car pulls up to a schoolboy and says, “Hey little
boy, I’ll give you $100 if you let me spank your sweet tight little ass.”
“Like fucking hell," he replied, "I’ll give you $200 if you let me
smash your old useless dick with a hammer.”

 

[melody]

Love, Lust, Marriage

Love - when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust - when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage - when your belt won't meet around your
waist, and you don't care.

Love - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust - when the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage - what's a climax?

Why Fishing Is Better Than Sex

A big, juicy worm always gets a fish excited.

You don't have to eat a fish while it's still flopping around.

You can take a leak in the bush anytime you want.

Stroking your rod won't piss off a trout.

Sipping a beer and scratching your balls is all the foreplay expected of
you.

Anything you stick in a fish's face, it eats.

A fish will never gag, choke, or come up for air.

A red snapper won't cry if you call it a flounder.

You wear rubbers on your feet, not on your dick.

If you want a bigger pole, you can have a bigger pole.

A smart fish knows when to keep it's mouth shut.

It's okay to cook a fish to make it taste good.

Fish bite for a guy of 60; same as they do for a guy of 20.

You're never called a jerk when you throw back an ugly fish.

Fish are real happy when you pick up your gear and go home.

aaaaa

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a
90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's
house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered...
"I thought he was dead!"

aaaaa

A young man walked into the doctor's waiting roomed and noticed the only other
patient present was an older dude. "Wh-wh-wh-why are y-y-you h-h-h-h-here," he stuttered.
"I have a prostate problem."
"A p-p-p-prostate p-p-problem? Wh-wh-wh-what's th-that?" the young man asked.
"That means I piss like you talk."

Love - when you show concern for your true love's feelings.
Lust - when you show concern for whether your partner is cute & sexy.
Marriage - when your only concern is what's on television; & where is the
remote?

Love - when your farewell is, "I love you, darling."
Lust - when your farewell is, "Same time next week?"
Marriage - when your farewell is, "Don't forget to
pick up the kids on the way home."

Love - when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
Lust - when you only see each other in the bedroom.
Marriage - when you never see each other awake.

Love - when your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust - when your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage - when your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love - when you're interested in everything your partner does.
Lust - when you're only interested in one thing.
Marriage - when you're not interested in what your
partner does; and where IS that darned remote?


There was a young man from Florida
Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her,
When they got into bed
He cried, God strike me dead!
This ain't a puss - its a corridor!"

Said a woman with open delight
"My pubic hair's perfectly white
I admit there's a glare.
But the fellows don't care
They locate it more quickly at night."

There was a young man from Kent
Whose cock was so long that it bent
To save him the trouble
He put it in double
Instead of coming he went

 

[melody]

Too Many Children

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The vet told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could
fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly
alternative,"
said the vet, "is to go home,get a cherry bomb," (fireworks are
legal in Alabama) "light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can
up to your ear and count to ten."

The Alabamian said to the vet, "I may not be the smartest tool in
the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me, " said the vet.

So the man went home, lit the cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count.

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas,
Mississippi,Michigan, Ohio, and West Virginia.

NNNNN

A guy rushes into the bar and tells the bartender, "The beers are on
me! My wife ran away with my best friend." The bartender smiles and
asks, "That's a shame, how come you aren't unhappy?" "Why should I
be unhappy?" replies the guy. "They saved me a fortune. Both of them
are pregnant!"

NNNNN

Q: What's the best-selling brand of lipstick in
Greece?
A: Preparation H.

Q: What time is it when a elephant sits on your fence?
A: Time to get a new fence!

Q: What do you call priest poo?
A: Holy SHIT!

NNNNN

A Swedish guy walks ot of church and the pastor asks him, "Why do you have that black eye my son?"
"Well" the Swedish guy says, "I saw Mrs. Foster standing up in front of me and she had her dress cramped up her butt. I thought she didn't want it like that and so I took it out for her. Then, wham, she punched me in the eye!
"But my son" the Pastor says, "how did you get your other eye blackened as well?"
The Swedish guy says, "Well now I thought that Mrs. Foster must like her dress cramped in her butt, so I shoved it back up!

More Degenerate Dictionary

Foggy Windshield
Spilling your massive load on the glasses of some four-eyed filthy slut.

Fortune Cookie
This maneuver is intended to teach fledgling hookers to swallow what we give them. If after a sensational round of knob-slobbing, the slut deposits your wealth elsewhere than her stomach, quickly take your knee to her jaw. Your new lucky number is equal to the amount of teeth you knock out. Confucius would be proud.

Fountain of You
While sitting on her face and having her eat your ass, jerk off like a madman. Build up as much pressure as possible before you release and spew like a venerable geyser all over her face, neck and tits. (Better in her bed.)

Four Wheel Drive
Fucking, or getting fucked during the peak of your genital herpes flare up, cause while you fuck, it's a bumpy ride.

Freeing the Tadpoles
Dropping a nice healthy load of your ball juice.

Freudian Slip
Shitting in your pants while farting. Farting is what you are doing, but shitting is your subconscious wants.

Fumilingus
When a man (or woman) performs cunnilingus on a woman and she farts directly in his face.

FUPA
Pronounced foo-pa and is abbreviated for "fat-upper-pussy-area". It's that nasty gut or pot-belly in the lower abdominal area of a woman. This term has a more derogatory affect when applied to younger women, since a fupa is far less appealing when seen on them.

Fur ball
You're chomping away at some mighty trollop who has a mane in between her legs the size of Lionel Richie's afro, when a mammoth hair ball gets lodged into your throat.

G Factor
When you convince your wife/girlfriend/hump buddy to do the most outrageous/kinky/nasty stuff and she is a pro and really enjoys it (like taking on your two buddies and their girlfriends while wearing nipple clamps and a dog collar and leaving no hole unmolested and capturing it all on video). Makes you sit up straight and say "Gee, I had no fucking idea."

Gay Poupon
The slimy see-thru brown coating a gay guy gets on his dick during some hot hairy butt sex. I overheard people joking about this at a time when I would not have preferred to lose my appetite. Can apply to heterosexual butt action as well I suppose, but the term generally loses its humor.

Gaylord Perry
Going to only one knuckle during an anal probe is for wimps. Make this famous knuckle ball pitcher proud and use multiple knuckles on that virgin corn hole. A minimum of two knuckles required (either on one finger or on multiple).

German Tourist
A chick so nasty and vile just for fun you and your buddies wind up fucking, pissing and shitting on.

Glass Bottom Boat
Covering a chick's face with Saran Wrap and then defecating on her head, thus creating the illusion of looking upward through a glass bottom vessel.

 

[melody]

If Women Ruled The World.....

....Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

....PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

....Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

...Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

...A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing

.....Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

....Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

...."Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

....Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

....Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

....Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks"

....Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.

....Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

....Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

....Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."

....Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

....Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.

...Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.

....All toilet seats would be nailed down.

....Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

....TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.

....All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator

....During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.

....Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.

....After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.

....For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.

Why I Play With My Cunt


· BECAUSE I WAS NOT BREASTFED
· BECAUSE MY CRIB WAS PADDED AND I LIKE THE FEEL OF STEEL
· BECAUSE I WAS SPANKED BY MY BABYSITTER
· BECAUSE THE KIDS USED TO CALL ME HALF-BREED
· BECAUSE MY FATHER IGNORED ME AND MY MOTHER FUCKED THE BOTTLE
· BECAUSE MY BROTHER JERKED OFF TO AUNT JAMIMA
· BECAUSE MY DOG WAS KEPT IN BONDAGE TIL THE DAY HE DIED
· BECAUSE A WHITEBOY TOOK MY VIRGINITY
· BECAUSE I WAS NEVER TAUGHT HOMOSEXUALITY IN HEALTH CLASS
· BECAUSE THE SANDMAN WAS A LESBIAN
· BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD
· BECAUSE MY CUNT IS SELFISH
· BECAUSE IT'S SELF-GRATIFICATION
· BECAUSE MY PERIOD FEELS LIKE A BULLFIGHT
· BECAUSE I HATE THE SMELL OF PORK
· BECAUSE I LOVE THE TASTE OF PUSSY
· BECAUSE I CAN'T FIST MY OWN ASSHOLE
· BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON MY HANDS
· BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE A BABY WHEN I SHAVE IT
· BECAUSE MY PLATFORM HEEL WON'T FIT INSIDE
· BECAUSE MY VIBRATOR ISN'T POWERFUL ENOUGH
· BECAUSE TRANSSEXUALS TURN ME THE FUCK ON
· BECAUSE SCENES FROM CALIGULA RUN THROUGH MY HEAD
· BECAUSE CINDERELLA WASN'T MY SLAVE
· BECAUSE IT THROBS LIKE A DICK
· BECAUSE I SLEEP ALONE
· BECAUSE OF THE QUESTION OF DEATH
· BECAUSE FRIDAY FOSTER SAYS I'M A PERVERT
· BECAUSE THE THOUGHT OF TREE VIRGINS IN HORSETAILS
· BECAUSE MY DOUBLE-DONG WAS STOLEN
· BECAUSE I SMOKED MY LAST CIGARETTE
· BECAUSE I WANT TO SPIT-SHINE PRINCE'S BOOTS
· BECAUSE I HATE SLOPPY BLOW-JOBS
· BECAUSE THERE ARE NO MORE VIRGINS
· BECAUSE I CAN'T GIVE THE GOVERNMENT AN ENEMA
· BECAUSE WHORES BECAME EXPENSIVE
· BECAUSE I HATE THE THOUGHT OF CLOTHING
· BECAUSE I'M THE BORDERLINE OF A DYKE AND A BOY
· BECAUSE I WANT TO BE SADDDLED AND TRAINED LIKE A HORSE
· BECAUSE SLAVERY WAS IN MY ROOTS AND I THIRST S&M
· BECAUSE I CAN NEVER GET ENOUGH PUSSY
· BECAUSE THE SOUND OF A WOMAN'S VOICE OVER THE PHONE
· BECAUSE WHEN IT'S WET IT GLAZES MY FINGERS
· BECAUSE I WANT TO BE GANG-BANGED BY FEMALE INMATES
· BECAUSE I WANT TO FUCK FOR FOOD AND WATER
· BECAUSE I WASN'T BORN IN A CHASTITY BELT
· BECAUSE I LIKE TO WORK MY PUSSY
· BECAUSE I WAS BORN A BITCH
· BECAUSE I LIKE MORE THAN ONE ORGASM
· BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO SAY 'I LOVE YOU' TO ANYONE
· BECAUSE IN MY MIND I CAN BE FUCKING ANYONE I WANT
· BECAUSE IT'S HEALTHY
· BECAUSE I'M A VAIN BITCH AND ONLY I KNOW HOW TO LOVE MYSELF...

 

[melody]

Grandma And Grandpa

Grandma & grandpa laying in bed one night, when grandma says to grandpa,
"Hey, grandpa now that you're retired, is there anything that you always wanted but never got?"
"Yeh, there is", said grandpa.
"What is it?" asked grandma. "Maybe I can get it for you."
"Well, grandma, I always wanted a blow-job," said grandpa.
"A blow-job is what you want, then a blow-job is what you'll get. But I don't know how to give you one," said grandma.
Grandpa says, "Well I've often heard the boys at the plant before I retired, say that in order to get it right,
their wives practiced on Ketchup bottles."
Grandma says, "O.K. I'll practice all day tomorrow and give you a blow-job when we go to bed."
The following night grandpa was waiting patiently with a super hard-on. Grandma approached grandpa,
grabbed his penis with her left hand and began punching the top of grandpa's penis with her right hand.

zzzzz

HENPECKED HUSBANDS

* He comes right out and says what she tells him to Think.

* She does not have to raise the roof, all she has
To do is raise an eyebrow.

* He always has the last word - he says, "I'm sorry".

* He was a man about town; she has turned him into
A mouse around the house.

* The last big decision she let him make was whether
To wash or to dry.

* He was a dude before marriage - now he is
Subdued.

* He goes to a woman dentist - it's a relief to be told
To open his mouth instead of to shut it.

zzzzz

A soldier known only as Sarge
Had sex with a hooker named Marge
Though only a grunt
He assaulted her cunt
And gave her a hon'rable discharge.

Granny's Shrimp

Little Johnny runs into the living room one day and says, "Mom, why
has Granny got a shrimp between her legs?"

"Don't be silly; Granny hasn't got a shrimp between her legs!" his
mother replies.

But Little Johnny is insistent "She has, she has!" he shouts.

With this his mother grabs Little Johnny by the hand and says, "Ok,
I have had enough of your foolishness. Show me!"

Little Johnny drags his mother into grandma's room where, being a
very hot evening, Granny is fast asleep on top of her bed with no
clothes on. Little Johnny drags his mother to the end of the bed
and points between Granny's legs. "Look I told you so" he says.
"See the little shrimp!"

His mother calmly decides she had better explain. "OK, Johnny, I
know it looks a bit like a little shrimp but it's called a
clitoris."

"That's funny" retorts Little Johnny "It tastes like shrimp..."


There was a young girl named O'Malley
Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
She got roars of applause
When she kicked off her drawers
But her hair and her bush didn't tally.

There Was A Young Lass Of Decatur
Who'd Become A Wild Masturbator.
''Men Are Miss or Hit
When Tickling My Clit,
That I've Purchased A Big New Vibrator.

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A. So what’s your question?
One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Ouch you fucking wanker!" later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do." the priest says "Well, have you tried smacking them?" she said "No, doesn't the church look down on that?" the priest says "Well, yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception." The next day, the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy says "Well, gimme some fucking waffles." The mom backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes very quiet. his mother asks him what he wants for breakfast, and his reply was "Well you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles!"

 

[melody]

Things Never To Say During Sex...
Part 2

42) I think my dad is listening at the door.
43) smile for the camera, honey!!!
44) take off that damn monkey glove!!
45) get your hand out of there!!
46) I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
47) I knew you wore a padded bra!!
48) cover me boys, I'm going in!!!
49) DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
50) Fire one!
51) God, that is small!!
52) hold on, let me change the channel...
53) who smells like fish?
54) is it O.K. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
55) your best-friend does it much better.
56) hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
57) hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
58) you're fogging up the wind-shield.
59) can I borrow 5 bucks?
60) what the hell noise was that?!
61) stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
62) shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
63) you know, you're not really attractive.
64) I'm sorry, I was not listening.
65) what, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!!
66) stop interrupting me!!
67) I have to take a shit.
68) did I leave the iron on?
69) your breath is funky.
70) (start singing Green Day) .
71) is it O.K. if I call someone, its O.K. though, keep going....
72) its OK honey, I can imagine that its bigger.
73) god I wish you were a real woman.
74) why can't you ever shave your legs?
75) by the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog....
76) oh Susan, Susan... I mean donna.... shit.
77) your breast milk is like my mom's....
78) you're hairy!!
79) your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
80) is it O.K. if I never see you again?
81) did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
82) don't make that face at me!
83) all of a sudden I have a headache.
84) you're boring.

IN HONOR OF STUPID PEOPLE....

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are more actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer
"Do not use while sleeping."
(But I just don't have time when I'm awake!)

On a bag of Fritos
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(As opposed to....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom)
"Do not turn upside down."
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding
"Product will be hot after heating."
(And you thought?)

On an auto sun screen
"Do not cover windshield while driving."
(Where's the challenge?)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this
medication."
(Yeah, you tell a 5 year-old he can't drive.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(There goes my whole night!)

On most brands of Christmas lights
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to....)

On a Japanese food processor
"Not to be used for the other use."
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Duh)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Then use Dial soap like regular soap.)

On a laser pointer
"Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye."
(Why didn't I read that first?)

On a child's Superman costume
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(That's gotta be false advertising.)

On a Swedish chainsaw
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Hands, I can understand... but genitals?! It takes a REAL man!)

Excuse me, I've got to go out and get me a Swedish chainsaw....

 

[melody]

First Game Of Golf

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the
wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest
house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be
careful!
Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how
much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm
voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that
was done: glass was all over the place and a broken antique bottle was lying
on ts side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch
asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm
a genie and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now
that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you
each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'
'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out,
'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete
with servants,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes
will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune and all those houses. What do you think?' She mulled it
over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our
good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind but what about you, honey?'
'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for
you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest
of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the
genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are
you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said.
'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

()()()()()

The waitress in a greasy spoon restaurant asked his customer if he
were ready to order.
"Yes," the man replied, "but first I'd like to know how you prepare
your chickens."
"Well," answered the waitress, "first off we jest tell them straight
out that they are gonna die."

()()()()()

A blond guy told his pal, "I am going to break up with Muffy."
"What did she do to deserve that?" his friend asked.
"She told me she is bi-sexual."
"Dude! That sounds hot!" his friend answered. "So, what's the
problem?"
"What's the problem?" the blond guy exclaimed, "Who wants to
fuck just twice a year?"

Top 10 Reasons For Getting Out Of Sex:

10. I'd love to honey, but I just banged your sister.

9. We're out of paper bags for your head again.

8. You haven't shaved in so long I'm afraid I'd feel I was making love to Big Foot.

7. You're 20 bucks short.

6. We're out of gin again.

5. I used my last sponge for the dishes.

4. Sorry, this isn't a conjugal visit.

3. I can't tonight honey, I spent myself earlier watching all those porno's.

2. Only if you put on this wig and act like a Chinese hooker.

1. Your gynecologist just called. You still have crabs, and you know I don't like seafood.

========

How do you get a lesbian to like you?
Don't be a dick.
What do lawyers and prostitutes have in common?
They're both paid to get you off.

"Daddy?" a young boy asked his dad, "How much does it cost to get
married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for mine."

Why do so many women fake orgasms?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

========

One morning a husband a wife were having breakfast together when the
wife said to her husband,
"You know the neighbor lady told me she and her husband have sex every
day. Why can't you do that?"

The husband replied, "Because, I hardly know the woman."

========

How do you know your mistress or wife has gained too much weight?
She fits into your clothes.

What did the left testicle say to the right testicle?
This guy in the middle is a dick.

========

"My teacher is really giving me a tuff time" Little Johnny told his
father.

"Handle it this way Johnny," his father advised. "Take special care with
your personal appearance and attire. Pay attention in class. And do your
assignments and homework promptly."

"I really don't think that'll help Dad," Johnny sighed. "She hissed at
me during study break that she's 3 weeks overdue."

 

[melody]

Cardiovascular

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, Your husband is suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system.
He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die.
First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.
Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed.
On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked So,
I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did the tell you?
You're going to die, she replied

Old Pick-up Lines

"What's a nice girl like you doing in a place
like...where exactly are we again?"

"Do you smell that? That's either love, or
I used too much ointment this morning."

"Yes, I'm 92... but I have the body of a
78-year-old."

"WHO'S your granddaddy?"

"Your beautiful blue eyes are like limpid
sapphire pools. Your blue hair, too."

"Hey babe, looking for a good time? How's
about coming home with me and...
Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z."

=====

Q. Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A. Because it kept falling out when she stood up.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND,
the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

zzzzz

The teacher once asked the class to make a sentence with the phrase
"pistol too".
Little Jimmy raised his hand, and after being recognized, said
The lone Ranger tamed the wild west with his faithful Indian companion
and his pistol too.
Very good says the teacher.
Little Johnnie raised his hand, and after being called on said
Down at our house we make homebrew, drink till twelve and piss till two.

zzzzz

A blonde went out to her mail box and looked in, closed the door and
went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked in
the mail box again. She did this several times and her neighbor that was
watching her said, You must be expecting a very important letter today
the way you keep looking into your mail box...
The blonde answered no, I am working on my computer and it keeps
telling me that I've got mail.

 

[melody]

A Blind Lumber Man

The foreman at the lumberyard needed a replacement for an employee who just quit;
and while he wasn't eager to hire the blind man (because of the obvious risks involved), the blind man begged for the chance.
"You'll see," he said. "Just put me in front of a pile of lumber. I sniff the lumber and know what type it is I will stack it accordingly."

So the foreman agreed to give it a shot.
Positioning the blind man in front of a stack of wood, he asked what type it was. Ahhhhhhhhhh..." said the blind man, taking a deep breath. "Pine, twelve-foot," and stacked it in place.

The foreman was surprised and repeated the test with oak and redwood, fir and mahogany, but the blind man didn't miss once.
Then, getting a sly look on his face, the foreman called up to the office secretary.
"There's a blind man applying for a job and I don't want to hire him.
He says he can tell what kind of wood we have just by sniffing it.
I want to confuse him.. come back here, take off all your clothes and lay on top of that pile of wood."

The secretary stripped naked and draped herself across the wood.
Sniffing furiously, the blind man then looked puzzled. "Gee, I don't believe I've ever smelled wood like that before... let me take another sniff."

He went closer and sniffed the wood again.
"DAMN, I have no idea what that is... can you turn it over?"
The secretary turned over.
The blind man went near the pile of wood and took another deep sniff.
"Well?" the foreman asked. "What kind of wood is THAT?"
"Hmmm..." said the blind man, "I'm not sure, but near as I can tell, it's the shit house door off a tuna boat."

------------

Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly
homes.
"Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice a week. How many can
you do?"
"Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!" "Almost every
night!!?????"
"Yup! Monday, almost. Tuesday, almost. Wednesday,............"

Bleeding

Around lunchtime Sheryl left school and headed for home, crying because
her first period had started and she had no idea what it was.
The girl's teacher was reluctant to get involved, so she suggested
Sheryl talk to her mom.
She was walking home when she ran into little Johnny.
"Why are you crying? Asked little Johnny.
"I'm crying because I'm bleeding," she replied.
"Give me a look," said little Johnny.
She lifted her skirt and showed him.
"Fuc*in' hell!" said little Johnny. "No wonder you're bleeding some
bastard's cut off your cock!"

=======

A policeman cruising past a bar after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out front. He goes around the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the ass of the other.

"So, what's going on here?" the cop asks.

The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."

The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!"

The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"

=======

Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
Under the vacuum cleaner.

=======

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to
take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.

The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.

The pro said "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too
hard grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis.".

The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards
straight down the fairway.

The pro said "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this
time take the club out of your mouth."

 

[melody]

You know That You Are Going To Have Good Time On Your Wedding Night If:

~*~You walk into the bridal suite and trip over a case of condoms.

~*~ You sit on your husband's lap, then realize he is standing up.

~*~ Your husband asks if you want to play a "get acquainted" game called
"The Convict and the Milk Maid."

~*~ You get a beautiful silk nightgown with fur around the hem. The note
in the box says, "To keep your neck warm"

~*~ You discover that someone has added a pair of knee pads to your
trousseau.

~*~ You ask your husband why he is taking so much time in the bathroom,
and he says, "Because I'm doing my tongue exercises."

~*~ Two rough men appear at your bridal suite door carrying a glass
slipper, a case of champagne, a tub of whipped cream, a large box marked
"Danger Nuclear Vibrator", and six months of back copies of the magazine
"German shepherd love"

~*~ You ask your husband why he is carrying a salami in his pajamas, and
he says, "Salami? What salami?"


There once was a chick named Alice
Who used dynamite for a phallus
It blew a hole in her vagina
Like South Carolina
And flung bits of her tits to Dallas.
==================================
There once was this dude named Matt,
Who was short, bald, ugly, and fat,
I'm willing to bet,
The only pussy he'd get,
Is when he goes home to his cat.
==================================
There was old guy named Lee,
Who was stung in the balls by a bee,
He made oodles of money,
By oozing pure honey,
Every time he attempted to pee.
==================================
There once was a technician named Lil
That took a chance on a Nuclear Pill.
They found her vagina,
In South Carolina,
And her boobs in a tree in Brazil!

A Wealthy Couple

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they
advised their butler that they were giving him the evening
off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite
late. The couple went to the ball and dinner.

After an hour and a half, the wife told her husband that she
was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and
finish some work for the next day. The husband responded
that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very
important people who were his new business partners.

So, the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out
on the couch watching TV. She slowly moved towards him and
sat down very seductively. She asked him to come closer.
Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his
ear:

"Take off my dress...."
"Now, take off my bra."
"Next, remove my shoes and stockings."
"Now, remove my garter belt and panties."

She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice
shouted:

"The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, your ass is
fired!"


The sweet young thing was telling the Evangelist that she had been sleeping in another bedroom since she had caught her husband sleeping with the neighbor.
"It's your duty to forgive him, my child," intoned the minister as he patted her hand. She fell into his arms gently sobbing.
"But," he added, as his grip tightened, "How'd ya like to get even with the S.O.B. first?"

 

[melody]

Roses

I boarded the train and took my seat. The seat next to me was empty,
but not for long. A young mother boarded with her 5-year-old
daughter and Mom sat down in the seat beside me. I offered my seat to the
little girl but Mom said no, she'd sit the young one on her lap. So
here I am holding my roses, now with a little lady straining to see
what I was holding. "What ya got, mister?" she asked. (Mom is
getting a bit flustered and tells her to mind her business.)

I leaned the "package" over a bit and she looks and says loudly,
"Ohhhh, ROSES!, who are they for?"

(Now, Mom is embarrassed and tapping her on the rear telling her to
sit down.)

I said, "they're for my girlfriend".

She says again with a loud voice, "WOW, pretty RED ones, and a lot
of them, too! Man, you really must have fucked up!"

Needless to say, nearly everyone on the train was in stitches,
except Mom who was now trying to crawl between the seats!
___________

A woman was called in front of a Texas grand jury for manslaughter after
she shot a mugger 6 times in the back as he was running away with her
purse.
He grabbed the purse and ran, she had her hand on the gun in it, and was
left with the revolver in her hand.
When asked by the grand jury why she shot the man 6 times in the back as
he was running away, she replied under oath:
"Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time it only went click."
___________

There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose prick was so long he could suck it,
One day, in a glass,
He saw the hole of his ass,
And then broke his neck trying to fuck it.
___________

Jenna, despite her good looks and charm, had still never
dated any boys at the age of 19. Today she was asking her
aunt Martha for advice with boys.

"Martha," she started, "I've just started French kissing
Tommy and I need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to
dribble on my boyfriend."

"Swallow." her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular
later on."

Phat Jokes

There was a guy who really loved fat women. He would always go nuts over them. He went to a bar one night and noticed a fat woman walk in. Well he literally wet his pants, so he went over to her and eventually ended up at her house, and sweet talked his way into her bed.
Anyway, they started fucking away and after awhile the guy says, "Can we turn the light off please?"
"Why," said the fat woman, "Am I that ugly?"
"No," replied the guy, "It's just that while I'm fucking you I keep burning my arse on the lightbulb!"



How do you know when your woman is too fat?
When she needs an hour to take a shit - 45 minutes just to line her arse up!

How do you find a fat girl's cunt?
You flip through the folds until you smell shit, and then go back one!

How do you fuck a fat girl?
Roll her in flour and head for the wet spot!

How can you tell when your girlfriend is too fat?
When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo!

How can you tell when your overweight?
When you step on your dog's tail and it dies!

How do you know when you are just TOO fat?
Your car has stretch marks!

What do fat women and mopeds have in common?
They are both fun to ride but you don't want your friend's to see you on either of them!


Mick, a 400 pound country boy had a lot of trouble getting dates with girls. His friends, however, found a 350 pound girl who seemed willing to go out with him. Before his first date, Mick's friend's advised him to be nice to her at first.
"Compliment her on something." They told him, "Chicks always like to hear good things about themselves!"
Mick decided to give it a try, so he left to pick up his hefty honey. His friends were surprised when Mick returned an hour later, all alone.
"What happened?" his friends asked.
"I dunno," Mick replied, "After walking her from the door to the car, I took your advice, and she ran off crying."
"What did you say to her Mick?" his friends asked.
"I told her that for a fat, ugly broad, she didn't sweat so much!" cried Mick.

 

[melody]

Lacey Knickers

Two pedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came
across a pair of small lacey knickers on the ground.
The first one picks them up, smells them and goes:
"Aahhh... A seven-year-old girl".
The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes:
"No, no ... Definitely an eight-year-old girl!"
The two of them are then smelling them in turns and arguing:
"An eight-year-old!", "No, a seven-year-
old!", "Definitely an eight-year-old!" ... and so on.
The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help
but ask them what the commotion is all about.
The first pedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out
the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff,
and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says:
"Definitely an eight-year-old girl!... but not from my parish!"
====================
The other day a friend and myself decided to try out an aerobics video
because we were both feeling very unfit. We put the tape in and started
to copy the movements. After a few minutes we had chopped each other's
arms off with chain-saws. It was only then that we realized that I had
accidentally put "Psycho Killers III" in the video by mistake!
How we laughed!!!!
====================
Q. What's the worst thing about growing unemployment?
A. It gets harder to fuck your girlfriend with her husband home.

Q. What's the similarity between a carton of milk and a woman?
A. They both need their flaps pushed back before you can get to the
good bits.
====================
for forty days I drove a truck
forty women I began to fuck
thirty women I knocked up
if that's not fucking I give up

An Orphanage

Nuns ran an orphanage for girls in a rural part of Georgia. One day,
the Mother Superior called in 3 teenage girls who were about to leave
and seek their way in life.

"You have led a very sheltered life and you are going into an extremely
sinful world." she said. "I must warn you that men will take advantage
of you. They'll do anything to get their way. They'll take you to
restaurants, buy you drinks and dinner, then back to their apartments
and motels where they'll undress you, do terrible things, give you
twenty or thirty dollars and kick you out."

"Excuse me, Mother." one of the girls asked. "You mean men will take
advantage of us and give us cash?"

"Yes child, why do you ask?"

"Because the priests only give us candy!"

yyyyy

How can you tell your daughter's being abused at her day-care center?
You hand her a broom and she straddles it.

How can you tell your son's being abused at his day-care center?
He won't use a pacifier unless it's got hair on it

yyyyy

A heckler asks an overweight comedian "How come you
are so fat?" The comedian replies Well, everytime I
screwed your mother, she gave me a biscuit."

yyyyy

Mary: I suspect that my ex used to visit prostitutes before we met.

Jill: What makes you think so?
Mary: Well, one night we were just playing around, and he picked me up
and headed for the bedroom.
Jill: So?
Mary: So I giggled and asked, "Should I struggle?" And he asked, "I
don't know. Does that cost extra?"

 

[Gamabuchi]

why almost all the jokes are base on sex??

 

[melody]

A Wealthy Socialite

A wealthy socialite had a night out on the town with her friends. She
awoke the next morning, totally naked and with a monster of a hang-over.
So she rang for the butler and asked for a cup of strong black coffee.
"Geeves" she said, "I can't remember a thing about last night. How did I
get to bed?"
"Well Madam, I carried you upstairs and put you to bed" "But my dress?"
"It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I took it off and hung it up" "But
what about my underwear?"
"I thought the elastic might stop the circulation, so I took the liberty
of removing them".
"What a night!" she said. "I must have been tight!" "Only the first
time, Madam."

@@@

An 8 year old girl ran in the house and asked her mom "am I old enough
to have a baby?".
Mom being very surprised at the question quickly answered - NO you are
too young.
The little turned around, ran back out doors and yelled - OK boys back
in the tent same game.

@@@

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally
swallowed his glass eye.
He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot
about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions,
undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he
looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him. "You
know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

The Piss List or...
Why Pissing Standing Up Ain't All It's Cracked Up To Be

Morning Missile.
This is only one of the reasons why the morning ritual can be a less
than pleasant experience. Actually, pissing any time with a hard-on is a
really difficult task, not just in the morning.

Split directions.
You're anxiously waiting to relieve yourself. Then, when it comes out,
it shoots out in two different directions! Usually happens after a night
of passionate love making which leaves you so tired you don't shower
before you go to sleep.

Hey! You pissed on my shoe!
Usually happens in public rest rooms or at road-side "piss stops".
Sleepiness, hangovers or split directions (see above) are usually to
blame.

Urination spasm.
When you get this weird orgasm-like spasm that happens just when you
begin to piss. Sometimes your whole body shakes uncontrollably.

Putting the seat up.
This is actually a hygiene thing. You don't like to touch any part of
the toilet before you touch Mr. Johnson. After you're finished you'll
touch anything, even elephant diarrhea.

Putting the seat back down.
Ladies, this is really a big pain in the butt. Guys - easy solution!
Next time you need to piss, don't put up the seat. When the old lady
sits down on that wet (and cold) seat, she won't ever complain about you
leaving it up again.

Stage fright.
Once in a while, in a public restroom with a dozen or so guys all
whizzing at the same time, the piss just refuses to come out. How bad
you have to go really has nothing to do with it, either. Plus, after a
few minutes of you just standing there, doing nothing, the other guys
start giving you those funny looks...

Those nasty fumes.
Sometimes, when your urine is especially acidic, when it is so hot that
steam rises from it, when the color is so yellow it looks like German
dark beer, you just wish that you had a pair of nose plugs. And forget
turning your head. You'll just smell the fumes from the guy next to you.

Dick trickle.
For some reason, right after you finish pissing and put Mr. Johnson
away, no matter how hard you shake, a little more piss decides to
trickle out, leaving a cool, moist area in your underwear, and a growing
dark spot on your pants.
Usually happens right before a first date or an important business
meeting.

Those damn zippers.
You don't know real pain until you've zipped your dick up in your
zipper. And, you know that you won't be able to pull your zipper back
down by yourself, because you know what it felt like going up! On such
occasions, you need a close
friend with a blindfold, a pair of vice grips, and a handful of valium.
A sound-proof room would be nice, too!

Leg splash.
Usually happens whenever you aren't wearing long pants (shorts, a robe
or underwear are optional). Caused by your stream hitting the water and
splashing all over everything around it! The only thing worse is if your
aim is really bad
and you start pissing on the seat, right next to your leg.

 

[melody]

Where'd You Do It Last?

If you don't laugh at the end of reading this then there's something
wrong with you... Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work
and hearing this. Many Chicago folks did hear this on the WBAM FM
morning show in Chicago.

The DJ's play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is
called "Mate Match". The DJ's call someone at work and ask if they are
married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers
"yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with
phone number) for Verification.

If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both
win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made
the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is
possibly the funniest thing I have heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all
went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you heard of Mate Match?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know were giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida
if you win. What is your name? First only please.

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean that you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously "Yes I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sarah"

DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She's gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! "

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said
that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, a trip would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?"

Brian: Laughing Hard " I ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us
for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh Huh..."

Brian:"...and the Mother In Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I have done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his
wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

Three Minutes of Commercials Follow

DJ: "OK audience, let's call Sarah, shall we? "

(touch tones...ringing..)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar from WBAM, we are live on the air and I have
Been speaking with Brian for a couple hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooo do you know the rules of
'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No"

DJ: "Good"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer the questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
your answers match Brian's answers, then both of you are off to Orlando,
Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World, Sea World, Tickets to the Magics
game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"


Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright, when did you last have sex, Sara?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's good enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question,
Sarah. You are one last question away from a trip to Florida. Are you
ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: "Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?"

Sarah: "In the ass...."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station
break."

The 98 Year Old Man

There was a 98 year old man who moved into a nursing home.
For his age, he was very fit and in really good shape. The nursing
home's doctor came in to give him his physical and the man said,
"How old do you think I am?"
The doctor checked his heart and lungs and had him do a few
exercises and said, "I would say you were around 78."
The old man smiled told the doctor that he was actually 98
years old.
The man was walking out of the doctor's office and saw a
little old lady sitting there. She was pretty gray and was all
bent over. The man said to the lady, "How old do you think I am?"
She looked him over pretty good then told him to pull down
his pants. He did as he was told. Then she told him to pull his
underwear down also. He obeyed. She reached over and fondled his
various parts and counterparts. She kept this up for quite
sometime. She appeared to be in deep concentration. She finally
looked up at the man and said, "I'd say you were 98."
The man was stunned! He said, "How could you tell?"
"I heard you tell the doctor."

nnnn

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
"How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night.
At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra
tablet...and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off
to question the nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing?," he says, "I'm told you're giving an
85-year-old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him
a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well.
The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him
from rolling out of bed."

nnnn

Have you heard about the woman who had sex with a racehorse?
She's now in a stable condition.
Why is it that a woman can guide a 1.5" diameter penis into an inch
diameter vagina in pitch black darkness without looking and cannot park
a 6 foot car in a 7 foot parking spot in broad daylight?