Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

Q. What's a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
A. All it takes is one prick and its all over.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.

Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

Q. Why did God create alcohol?
A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.

Q. Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A. Their shaky hands!

Q. What is better than a cold Bud?
A. A warm bush.

Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use some lubricant.

 

[melody]

Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.

Q. Why don't little girls fart?
A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.

Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins !

Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Q. What's the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. They don't stop for directions.

Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!

Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
A. The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!

Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead?
A. Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it.

Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.

Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur traders.

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.

Q. What’s better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.

Q. What did Adam say to Eve?
A. Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!

Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an alter boy

Q. Why don't witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
A. Better traction.

Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. Push it aside and keep on eating...

 

[melody]

Sex Q&A

Q. What do you find in a clean nose?
A. Fingerprints!

Q. Did you hear about the blind circumcisionist?
A. He got the sack.

Q. Did you hear about the gay guy that's on the patch?
A. He's down to four butts a day.

Q. Did you hear about the kid napping?
A. Yeah, he woke up!

Q. Did you hear that the new and politically correct name for "lesbian".
A. It has been changed to "vagitarian".

Q. What's the definition of "Tender Love?"
A. Two gays with hemorrhoids.

Q. Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London?
A. They were REALLY pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.

Q. What does a poof and an ambulance have in common?
A. They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!

Q. How can you tell if you are in a gay amusement park?
A. They issue gerbils at the tunnel of love.

Q. Did you know 70% of the gay population were born that way?
A. The other 30% were sucked into it.

Q. Hear about the new gay sitcom?
A. "Leave it, it's Beaver."

Q. Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
A. He found a hare up his ass.

Q. How can you tell if a novel is homosexual?
A. The hero always gets his man in the end.

Q. How can you tell if a Western is homosexual?
A. All the good guys are hung.

Q. Why can't scientists find a cure for AIDS?
A. They can't get the laboratory mice to arse fuck.

Q. Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his Viagra?
A. So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the arse.

Q. Did you hear about the two gay judges?
A. They tried each other.

Q. Did you hear about the gay truckers?
A. They exchanged loads.

Q. What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A. A fruit stand!

Q. What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
A. Male fraud.

Q. What's the difference between a hamster and a cow?
A. Cows survive the branding.

Q. What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A. A wet nose.

Q. Why does a dog lick its penis?
A. Because it can't make a fist.

Q. What do you call a hillbilly who owns sheep and goats.
A. Bisexual.

Q. What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A. Gonorrhoea.

Q. Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?
A. It's for the Christmas period.

Q. How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A. The best ones squirt when you eat them.

Q. A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in fifth grade. Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
A. When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

Q. How can you tell she's a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.

Q. Why did god give men penises?
A. So they'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!

Q. Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients?
A. They hid their own eggs!

Q. What's the hottest thing in the world?
A. Two rats fucking in a wool sock.

Q. What do your parents' car and testicles have in common?
A. Hit either one of them and you're grounded.

Q. What do you get when you cross a brassiere with Texas?
A. Playtex.

Q. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
A. Beef strokin' off.

Q. What's female Viagra?
A. Jewellery

Q. Why doesn't Smokey the bear have any kids?
A. Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.

Q. What's the difference between the San Diego Padres and a Prostitute?
A. Nothing, they both suck!

Q. Did you hear about the new Exorcist Movie?
A. They got the Devil to come in to take the Priest out of the child.

Q. How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?
A. 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.

 

[melody]

Why Girls do well in exams.



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[melody]

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the
house, slams the door
and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Morris, pack your bags. ....I won
the lottery!

The husband says, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter to me," she says. "Just get the hell out."

 

[melody]

A Huge Boil

A woman walks into the doctor's office with a huge boil on her ass.

The doctor squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus core.
He says: "This is too big a job for me. I'm going to have to send you to Gus the pus sucker. "

The woman goes to Gus who looks at the bulging red, inflamed boil festering with pus and says "this is no problem," and he proceeds to press his lips to her ass and suck out the pus and core of the boil.

Halfway through, the woman farts. Gus stops what he's doing and angrily says:
"You know lady, its people like you that make this job fucking disgusting."

 

[melody]

Two necrophiliacs are walking down the street when they pass a funeral home. One turns to the other and says: "Hey, you wanna go in for a couple of cold ones?"

**********

Little Suzie is sitting in a barber shop, eating a Hostess snack cake while the barber cuts her hair.
A customer passes by and says, "Sweetheart, you're getting hair on your Twinkie."
Little Suzie looks up with a big smile and said, "I know, and I'm getting tits, too!"

 

[melody]

A man enters a coffee shop and sits down. The sign on the counter says the special of the day is chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take the chili."
"I'm sorry," says the waitress, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl." says the waitress.
So the man just orders some coffee. But after a while, he notices that the guy next to him is finishing his meal and the bowl of chili is still full.
"Excuse me," he says to the man, "But are you going to eat that?"
The other man replies, "No."
"Would you sell it to me?"
"You can have it for free if you want it."
So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he comes across a dead mouse in the bowl. Immediately, he pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other man looks over sympathetically and says: "That's about as far as I got, too."

 

[melody]

What They Really Mean
Ever wonder what your partner is really saying?
Here is what they say, and what it really means:

Did you come? == Because I didn't.
I have something to tell you. == Get tested.
I'm a Romantic. == I'm poor.
I'll give you a call. == I'd rather have my nipples eaten off by wild
dogs than see you again.
Trust me. == I'm cheating on you.
I love you. == You're a good lay.
I think we should just be friends. == You're ugly.
Haven't I seen you before? == Nice ass.
I want to make love to you. == Let's fuck.
Was it good for you? == I'm insecure about my manhood.
We need to talk. == I'm pregnant.
I had a wonderful time last night. == Who the hell are you?
I've been thinking a lot. == You're not as attractive as when I was
drunk.
I've learned a lot from you. == Next!
I want a commitment. == I'm sick of my dildo.
I think we should see other people. == I have been seeing other people.
Let's get married. == Now can we fuck?
We don't have to do anything until you are ready. == Put out or get
out.
I feel it's time to express our love for each other. == Give me head.
I still think about you. == I miss the sex.
Is there something wrong? == Is it supposed to be this soft?
You're so mature. == I hope you're eighteen.
Yes...Yes...*scream!* == Aren't you done yet?

 

[melody]

New Job

Bobby walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, hmm?"

Bobby says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"

The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round. Monday evening arrives. Bobby comes back into the bar and says, "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"

Bobby looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says, "You mean they'll PAY me too?"

 

[melody]

Freezing Cold

A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance and falls in.

There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!"

At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar and hears the noise.

He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you idiot, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!"

 

[melody]

Drunken Excuses

Two guys are sitting at a bar. After a bunch of drinks over several hours, one guy hiccups, drops his head down to his chest, pushes himself away from the bar, and proceeds to hurl all over himself.

Wiping his mouth off on his shirtsleeve, he says, "Man, I gotta go home. I'm already two hours late, and now I've thrown up all over myself. My wife is gonna kill me.

The second guy turns to the first and says, "Naw she won't. Listen, you got twenty bucks?"

The first says, "Yeah, why?"

The second drunk says, "Take the twenty and put it in your front pocket. When you get home and your wife asks what happened, you tell her some guy threw up on your shirt and he gave you twenty bucks for the dry cleaning. I do it all the time."

The first guy says, "Great idea! Let's have another round", and the two continued to drink for the next couple of hours.

Eventually they head home. Sure enough, the first guy’s wife is waiting up for him. As he walks through the door, she takes a look at him and says, "Look at you! You're pathetic!! You're five hours late, drunk as a skunk, and you've got dried puke all over the front of you! What have you got to say for yourself ?!?"

He says, "Wait honey, listen for a second. This drunken guy threw up on me and gave me twenty bucks to get my shirt dry cleaned, I swear. Check my front pocket."

She reaches in and pulls out the money. She says, "Wait there's 40 bucks in here!"

He says, "Oh yeah, he crapped in my pants too!!"

 

[melody]

A man walks into a whorehouse late one night. He wants to get
a good-looking whore, but they're all occupied right now. He
ends up with the most God-awful-looking, old, saggy bitch, and
he was so disgusted, all he could do was shit in her face.
To his surprise, he enjoyed this a lot. This became a nightly
affair for him, as he would ask for the old whore and shit in
her face.
Unfortunately, after a couple weeks, the thrill wore off, so the
next time he went in, he asked for a pretty girl and fucked her.
As he was leaving, the old whore ran up to him, fell at his feet
and said, "What's the matter, don't you love me anymore?"

 

[melody]

A wino walked into a bar one day, and started begging for drinks.
One of the patrons tells him he'll buy the old sot a drink, but
first he has to take a drink from the spittoon over in the corner.
The wino is in a bad way, so he takes the guy up on his offer, goes
over and picks up the spittoon, raises it to his lips, and starts
chugging away.
The guy at the bar, who didn't really believe the wino would take
him up on his offer, is horrified. "Stop! Stop!" he yells, "I'll
buy you a drink now!"
But the wino keeps on drinking from the spittoon.
Again the guy at the bar calls out, "Stop! Put the spittoon down!
I'll buy you a drink!"
But the wino keeps on drinking. Finally, after about five minutes
he stops, and puts the spittoon down.
So they guy at the bar says, "Hey, didn't you hear me telling you
to stop? Why didn't you stop?"
"I couldn't," the wino replies, "it was all one string."

 

[melody]

Q: What did the Mexican do with his first 50 cent piece?
A: He married her.

Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Mexico?
A: Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Q: How do you know when you're on a Jewish golf course?
A: The players don't yell "FORE!" they yell "$3.99!"

Q: What did the blind, deaf and dumb kid get for Christmas?
A: Leukemia.

Q: Why aren't there any Indians on the starship enterprise?
A: Because they don't work in the future either.

Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who went duck hunting?
A: He didn't get any because he couldn't throw the dog high enough.

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

Q: Did you hear about the homo Mountie?
A: He jumped on his whistle and blew his horse.

Q: What do you call a Muslim roofing contractor?
A: Shiite on a shingle.

Q: Why is a pedophile like the turtle?
A: 'Cause he got there before the hare.

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it!

Q: What has 100 teeth and can hold back a huge monster?
A: My zipper.

Q: What's the difference between spit and swallow?
A: Forty pounds of pressure on the back of her head.

Q: How do you know if a man has a really ugly wife?
A: Her pet name is "Spot".

Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people could have sex too.

Q: Did you hear about the girl who went on a fishing trip
with 6 guys?
A: She came back with a red snapper.

Q: What is green, two miles long and has an arsehole every two feet?
A: The St Patrick's Day parade.

Q: Why was John Wayne's toilet paper taken off the market?
A: Because it was rough, tough, and didn't take shit from any asshole.

Q: Why do Italian men have mustaches?
A: So they can look like their mothers.

Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbitt died in a car accident?
A: Some prick cut her off.

 

[melody]

One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught his wife
in bed with his best friend.

Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend to death.

His wife said, "Ya' know, if you go on like this, you're going to lose
ALL your friends."
_____

Licking a pussy is dangerous to your health because it is:
5% urine
3% acidic
2% fatty
and
90% highly addictive
_____

When I was young and in my prime
I used to jack off all the time
Now I’m older with much more sense
I use a knot hole in the fence.

 

[melody]

Little Johnny & Susie

Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they know that they
are in love. One day they decide they want to get married, so Little
Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Little Johnny
bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love
and I'm asking for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Little
Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Little Johnny replies.
"In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there
nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll
need to support Susie."

Again, Little Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Susie makes 5
bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month,
and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Little Johnny has put so
much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up
with something that Little Johnny won't have an answer to. After a
second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Little Johnny, it seems like you have got
everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What
will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Little Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "That's okay, I'll just
keep shagging her up the arse for now..."

 

[melody]

The Kindergarten Class

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the
time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was
calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon Little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes
could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of
chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Little Johnny had in mind for
his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period." reported Little Johnny.

"Well I can see that" she said, "but what is so exciting about a
period?"

"Fucked if I know" said Little Johnny, "but this morning my sister said
she missed one. Then Daddy had a period, Mommy fainted and the man
next door shot himself!?"

 

[melody]

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a
week later.

Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last forever.

Q. What's better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.

Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A. A bloody waste of fucking time.

Q. What's the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back?
A. A police horse.

 

[melody]

One day an old farmer fell asleep in the top level in a 2 level hay
shed. When he woke up, he found his son having sex with his girlfriend
on the bottom level of the hay shed. He decided he wouldn't disturb them,
so he laid down and rested. After a while he heard his son say, "Father,
father up above. Give me strength for one last shove."
So the father, being smart, replied, "Son, son down below. Get off and
give your father a go."